Writing Feedback / Essay on Responsibility for WW II [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to provide feedback on your excellent essay!

they had strong arguments to advocate a policy of appeasement during the 1930s, despite it proved a failure to prevent WW II. - You could say "despite its proving to be a failure at preventing WWII" or or "despite the fact that it proved to be a failure" or "despite its failure to prevent WWII" [that would be my choice].

Consequently, Europeans had not voted to be led by belligerent political leaders

Moreover, Chamberlain and Daladier might have noticed that industrialization had not only permitted improvement in the quality of the military arsenal

Hitler had always firmly taken a firm stand against communism, and Europeans, especially Great Britain and France, [delete "which"] might have thought that Germany could act as a buffer

Subsequently, the policy of appeasement was not efficient to stop Hitler's desire to fulfill his people's wishes,

one should bear in mind that they did their best to preserve peace and prevent a global conflict whereas Hitler was firmly determined to enter war; he is the sole person to blame for WW II.

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Article Essay; 'Ellen Goodman has been a journalist' [4]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! I can't tell you whether it met the guidelines, as you did not include the guidelines. :-) Here are some editing suggestions:

what made his relationships with his family nonexistent.

the author did provide some issues to make you think even in our own everyday life. - It's confusing to use "you" (second person) and "our" (first person plural); pick one voice and stick with it.

go at 3 a.m. or in the blink of an eye.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Math, Physics and Calculus; Governor's School Program [2]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start here. I have a couple of suggestions for you:

By studying Engineering as my major in college, I could also pursue a career in Engineering as well. - It's best to avoid stating the obvious. This really goes without saying.

I would love to use my interest in math and technology in my future career to work on improving the world through Engineering. - I think you should provide a little more detail about how you envision your future. I realize it's early yet for you to decide specifics, but if you could at least give some of your ideas about how you might "improve the world through engineering" it would help them to understand your aspirations better, and make you stand out from the other candidates. Also, don't capitalize "engineering" unless it's part of a title, as in "College of Engineering."

This program would expose me to how the major would be once I get to college. - This is a little awkward. You could say "expose me to the rigors of the major" or something like that.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "A Hero in Disguise"; My best friend had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia [2]

Greetings!

This is a well-written and moving essay! I like tone, which is simple, yet poignant. I have just couple of editing suggestions:

But a pitiful math grade does not define life; there comes a point where I have to get over it and move on. - These are two independent clauses, so use a semicolon instead of a comma.

It was through his courageous act that I was able to appreciate the simplest joys in life,

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Gamers - classification essay [5]

Greetings!

Perhaps you should consider saying "There are many different types of gamers, but there are three dominant ones which should be avoided at all costs." That way, you're not impliedly telling your reader that they shouldn't play games with anyone. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Analyze the short story "The Flowers" by Alice Walke [3]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing advice! There are a couple of things I noticed. First, you sometimes switch tenses from present tense to past tense. You need to keep the tense consistent. Second, your essay is more summary than analysis. The part where you noted the laying down of the flowers as a symbol of lost innocence was good, but you need more analysis like that. Here are some specific editing pointers:

Myop, a ten year old African American girl, whose parents were poor

The cove she comes upon is gloomy, damp and has a mysterious silence.

She sees the brittleness of his death when she discovers his "large white teeth, all of them cracked or broken" showing that he might have been beaten before his murder.

The destruction of her childhood innocence was recognized at the end of the story with the statement "And the summer was over." - The part in bold is written in the passive voice, which should be avoided when possible. Was recognized by whom? Try rewriting this without using passive voice.

Alice Walker dramatically shows what impact it is on a child and how quickly she can lose her childhood innocence with the realization of how prominent racial violence was in rural Georgia during segregation. - I don't think the child's realization was "how prominent racial violence was in rural Georgia"; I think it hit a little closer to home than that. See if you can expand this a little and make it more personal to the character.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Setback essay - Applying to Tech College [4]

Greetings!

Yes, although it was good before, I think you've definitely improved it! I have just a few suggestions:

considering that I was being offered the opportunity to go to one of the top schools

I wasn't sure whether this would be an agreeable. - You can say "I wasn't sure whether this would be agreeable" or "I wasn't sure whether this would be an agreeable experience" but you can't say "I wasn't sure whether this would be an agreeable."

But instead of transferring out, I decided I wasn't going to take the coward's way out

Brooklyn Tech [delete "had"] showed me a world of academic insightfulness

Maybe on my list it had been in that ranking,

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Gamers - classification essay [5]

Greetings!

You've written on an interesting topic! Here are some editing tips for you:

Video games are meant to be played by a broad variety of people. Playing a generic game, these gamers start to show their true colors. There are three main classifications for gamers. These gamers, who should be avoided at all costs, come in flavors of aggressive, cute, and back-seat. - This paragraph is a little confusing to me because it sounds as if there are three types of gamers, all of whom should be avoided; if that's the case, wouldn't there be no one left to play with?

The dangerously aggressive gamers are the ones to be reckoned with. These men and women rush in and start virtual wars by any means necessary. Incendiary, destructible weapons are worshipped. - Avoiding the passive voice is easy; just say, "They worship incendiary, destructible weapons."

If they were to die, harsh, guttural sounds will be heard and controllers would be thrown against the wall. - You are changing verb tense and again using the passive voice. Instead, you could say "You can tell when these berserkers have been killed--they emit harsh, guttural sounds, then throw their controllers against the wall."

Cute gamers' purpose for playing the game is to look at cute things. Cute gamers are mainly female but there will be an odd male sometimes. Cute gamers express their glee for cute things by hugging the television and engaging in baby talk towards the game. Like the other two gamers, empty servers will be in wait for cute gamers. - This last sentence did not make sense to me.

Handing the controller for the back-seat gamer would end with no result, rejecting to play. - This sentence also has problems, grammatically. I think perhaps you meant to say, "Handing the controller to the back-seat gamer would only result in his rejecting the chance to play."

These gamers would rather watch other people play in order to insult them since they are, in theory, better than everyone else. - You could do that last phrase a number of ways, but I think it sounds better like that.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Death Penalty Should Not Be Banned - Essay [3]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing tips (some changes are in bold) :

Next to the banned books, the legal drinking age and child abortions, [add comma] one of the most publicly debated issues is the death penalty.

In Taylor's essay there is a survey conducted recently about public opinion toward capital punishment statutes in the United States, from the result done by the Harrison poll - This is very awkward; better would be: Taylor's essay contains results of a Harris poll about public opinion toward capital punishment laws. [check this, but I think you'll find it's Harris, not Harrison]

The result are kind of surprising due to it's huge numbers and supports; considering that most of the voice hear from the public when the question asked legal statues of capital punishment is usually abolish it. - I think I understand what you are trying to say, but the English is a little garbled. Better would be "These results are surprising, considering that most people, when asked, say they think capital punishment should be abolished." (At least, I think that's what you meant.)

In the paragraph where you mention the increase in the UK crime rate, I had to wonder, though, if the crimes which have increased are crimes for which the punishment was formerly death. If crimes which were punished not by capital punishment, but by prison, have gone up, how is abolishing capital punishment to blame? And hasn't crime increased greatly in the U.S. during the same period?

our bodies are all made up of small cells

DNA is what make out of the all the chromosomes. - I'm not sure, but I think you meant to say "DNA is what all of our chromosomes are made of."

My suggestion is that you read the essay out loud to a friend who is a native English speaker, someone who can point out the grammatical errors for you. Unfortunately, on this free site, there is a limit to how much in-depth editing we can provide.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Mathew & my family; University of Miami - Most significant person [4]

Greetings!

I have just a couple of suggestions for you:

I would always defend myself and say "No I don't," although, deep inside - In American English, the comma goes inside the quotation mark.

I thank Matthew every dayfor influencing me in such a way that has left me to see the better side of life. - This is a common error. The word "everyday" means ordinary, or something that is so usual it is used frequently; "every day" (two words) means "every single day."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The State of Education in America [2]

Greetings!

Your essay is well-written, albeit a little depressing! You make some valid points. Here are some editing suggestions:

Gatto discusses the American approach to education and its not so hidden agenda:

American society will soon take on its terrifying atmosphere.

The most disturbing aspect of American culture is that the majority of people do not seem to be at all concerned that they are being manipulated.

You use a comma before most of your quotations, when you should use a period: Gatto illustrates the apathy that students exhibit in learning environments. "They said ...

This is an example of our culture's indifference to political happenings

The students pick up on the teachers' disinterest in the subject matter,

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SCARY MOVIES; What is your most frightened experience? - college essay [13]

Greetings!

To me, your next-to-last sentence (the one before the bolded one) would make an excellent ending. I think if you stop the essay there, it will end on the right note. It shows that the event, however frightening it may have been, had a lasting impact on your life with some positive effects. A conclusion which hints at the future (when, as you say, you are faced with a problem), and shows that your future will be somewhat changed by the events related in the essay, is a good one.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Need help to start my essay about film "An Inconvenient Truth" [3]

Greetings!

Fortunately, much has been written about Al Gore's documentary, global warming, global warming skeptics, and various other aspects of the subject. Whether you've seen the movie or not, you should not have much trouble finding examples of what other people have written about it. Just make sure that you do not plagiarize anyone else's work; use your own words to present your opinion.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Setback essay - Applying to Tech College [4]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! Here are a few editing suggestions:

My first choice had been Stuyvesant.

I ended up in the latter. - You can't put another name before the "latter" you are referring to, or it sounds like Stuyvesant was the "latter" you are referencing. Just say "I ended up in Brooklyn Tech."

It showed me things that [delete "maybe"] Stuyvesant might not have been able to show me. It oriented me to subjects where I hadn't dared venture before.

In the paragraph where you suddenly go from not liking your school to being glad you're there, the change is a little abrupt without any real explanation. You might want to spend a little more time explaining what caused your shift in thinking.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssauForum.com

Undergraduate / Reflecting on life at 65-regrets, accomplishments ect. [8]

Greetings!

You are a much better writer than you give yourself credit for! While I think it's quite good as it is, if you wanted to spice it up just a little you could employ a technique that uses a personal anecdote to draw the reader in and engage the emotions. For instance, when talking about your visits to the nursing home, you could add a touching story about a woman whose family never came to visit her, but whose life you were able to touch by reading to her and listening to stories about her childhood. Even if you have to invent most of the details, I'm sure you can draw on some real-life episodes to help you create it.

Aside from that, I have only a couple of editing tips:

a positive difference in people's lives.

I have had countless incredible experiences related to my profession.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Choosing the areas of academic interest - U Mich short answer II [2]

Greetings!

Your essay is excellent! There is very little to change; just one typo that I found:

I didn't even know what it was and it certainly sounded like something farfetched.

Your love for the subject really comes through! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Birthday party this weekend" UF ESSAY [3]

Greetings!

You've written a very moving essay! Good work! I have just a few small suggestions:

"We're having your brother's birthday party this weekend," is what my mother calmly said to me after I came home from school one day.

only reminiscing about the "good times" I had had with my little brother during class. - This makes it sound like the good times you had with your brother only occurred during class. I think you mean to say that the reminiscing happened during class. If that's the case, say "only reminiscing during class about the "good times" ...

and that life was too short.

maybe even help find a cure for cancer.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Science Fair victory' - Diversity Essay for University of Michigan [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! I have just a couple of suggestions:

simply being a New Yorker makes us understand diversity because we are diversity. - I think it would sound better to say "because we are so diverse." Or, you could say "because we epitomize diversity."

to be read and learnt from. - This doesn't really make sense to me; I'm not sure exactly what you are saying here. Also, "learnt" is a British spelling; American English would say "learned."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Poetry Essay (the poet's attitude toward war) [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to give you some editing pointers on your very fine essay!

[delete In] "How to Die" is stunningly picturesque

This very same depiction of battle that is beautifully illustrative is also terribly romanticized.

It presents the perspective from which Read views war [delete as]:

Sassoon's sarcasm is cleverly woven in the poem: - The past tense of "weave" as "weaved" is usually reserved for motion: "The drunk's car weaved back and forth through traffic." Here, "woven" is more accurate.

which can be clearly seen in line 12 where the polysyndeton found in "wreaths and tombs and hearses" serves to symbolize the extravagance placed on military deaths.

The second stanza (LL 9-16), however, mocks the way those who aren't present at the war [better would be "who aren't participants in the war"], idealize the reality of war to the point of absurdity.

Good analysis!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'eliminate discrimination'; Equal numbers of male and female students? [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some editing advice for your essay.

Regarding =[delete "to"] the idea that universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject,

everyone has the right to study regardless of whether they are men or women.

so now you can see women in those countries can study whatever they want and take many important positions including [delete "the"] Ministers and Presidents. However, the situation is a quite contrast in the developing countries,

women in these countries could not reach knowledge of the world - this is a rather awkward phrase; better would be "women in these countries do not have access to education"

it seems that women are not suitable for technical subjects - I don't think you meant to make a sexist comment, but you did! Don't say "not suitable"; this means women aren't capable of doing it. I think you meant to say that there are statistically fewer women who are interested in the hard sciences and technology.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssyForum.com

Writing Feedback / Consumers advertisements; analyze the ads' use of ethos, pathos, and logos [5]

Greetings!

You've been working hard! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

The IBM article appears to be using logic because it illustrates how corporations need to look into ways of reducing energy costs associated with computer data centers.

In my opinion, [delete of] the Bomgar ad [delete it] lacks substance of logic for the product they're trying to sell.

Some questions that may be asked: who is Bomgar? Is it a fly-by-night organization?

A consumer may second guess not only the credibility of the product, but that of the organization as well. -Are you sure you mean "creditable" instead of "credible" and

"creditability" instead of "credibility"? Normally, one speaks of the credibility of a company, i.e., their believability and trustworthiness. That makes more sense than "honoring" IBM.

we are going forward in [delete leading] manufacturing a product that will be eco-friendly. - "leading" does not really make grammatical sense in this sentence.

It takes plenty of social responsibility to make a claim like this,

you have 30 seconds to capture an audience's attention

Most consumers want a quality product

The Bomgar ad makes assumptions with their advertisements; perhaps they should work on marketing brand. - "marketing brand" does not make sense; perhaps you mean "marketing their brand."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssyForum.com

Essays / The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - Book review [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

The message is here is trying to telling us to be aware of evil as it shows up in many disguises. (Or, you could also say "guises".)

In the case of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, it is the sin of gluttony (misplaced desire of food).

Things such as [omit ;] the cracking of the Stone Table, the role playing of prophecies, the self-sacrifices, the public humiliation before death, the resurrection and the references to Christmas, Adam and Eve are also suggestive of religion.

It also helped us gain knowledge on the fundamentals of basic good and evil.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / need help for "presentation summary" essay [3]

Greetings!

I think you're doing very well considering English is not your first language! Here are some editing suggestions:

I put lots of effort on keeping "eye-contact", putting "clinches", speaking at a normal speed, and behaving naturally.

I used clinches and thought-provoking questions as much as I could to relate better to the audience.

My strengths in the speech were that I tried to keep the public involved by being reader-oriented when I used the "you" form in my speech.

Next time I will definitely think of a strong introduction that would grab the audience's attention.

"Large numbers of people avoid that part of the city",

If I had done this I would have given out better the rest of my presentation. - I'm not quite sure what this means. Perhaps you meant "I would have improved the rest of my presentation."

I think I have "stage fever", - I have never heard of that; I think you meant "stage fright."

Once I began to talk my confidence vanished

I noticed that I tend to talk more in front of the class than during practice with my partner.

Generally, the whole presentation should be given [delete "out"] in a more informal and captivating way.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Consumers advertisements; analyze the ads' use of ethos, pathos, and logos [5]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to check your grammar, grammar, grammar! (and spelling :-))

In today's marketing strategies, advertisements can be a major contributor to the way a business markets its product to the public.

I will give some history of two organizations in the computer industry and evaluate how their computer ads influence consumers today.

The first company that will be considered is IBM, which is a world leader in innovative computer technology and was founded in the years of 1888 - 1924, through mergers of computing tabulating recording. - Technically, the company can only be "founded" once; therefore, it was founded in 1888 and developed into the giant it is today.

The second company that will be considered is Bomgar. This company was founded in 2003 and specializes in appliances for remote support for PCs.

The only other suggestion I might make is that you give a little more detail about the Bomgar ad. I felt I didn't really know why you didn't like it.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on achievements from my professional life [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to give you some editing tips for your excellent essay!

I was leading a group of Japanese and Western colleagues in my role as a team leader for the quality assurance of this project.

I realized that if no party is willing to respect the culture of its counterpart the success of the project will be put at risk.

Thus, I consciously started going out for lunch all together, which should provide a basis for communication in a more relaxed environment. - This sentence is a little awkward. There are many ways you could fix it. One would be: Thus, I decided to start organizing lunch parties, to provide a basis for communication in a more relaxed environment.

I was very happy to see that my actions resulted in a much better working atmosphere

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on global citizenship [2]

Greetings!

You've written a really great essay! I have just a couple of suggestions:

Then, towards the end of junior year, I made a decision that changed my entire life.
In my senior year, I decided to try something completely different. - This threw me for a moment, because you say "junior year" and then suddenly are talking about "senior year"; I had to re-read it to understand that you meant you made the decision in junior year to do something different in senior year. You could fix this confusion by saying, in the second sentence, "I decided that in my senior year, I would try something completely different."

It is a mindset. The feeling of connection between every person on earth, no matter their background, and the commitment to learning from everyone and teaching them in turn. - Technically, the second sentence is a fragment. You can get by with this in fiction writing, but here, you might want to change the punctuation like this:

It is a mindset: the feeling of connection between every person on earth, no matter their background, and the commitment to learning from everyone and teaching them in turn.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Physical limits' - My UF aplication essay [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing for your excellent essay!

Limits are meant to be pushed, some farther than others. - When referring to distance, it's "farther"; when referring to something additional ("we'll touch on one further item"), it's "further." You could perhaps make an argument either way here, but my choice would be farther.

Having my body thrashed for hours on end has prepared me, not only physically, but mentally, [add comma] for the rigors of college

your men are counting on you to help them in their time of dire need.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / question about UC ; Describe the world you come from [11]

Greetings!

Because the prompt says "or" I would take it that any one of those topics in the list, or any of them in combination, would be all right. Keep in mind that the really important part is your dreams and aspirations, as this will tell the school the most about whether and why they should admit you. It sounds to me as if your crazy Christmas festivities would make very interesting reading! I'd go for it!

Once you've written it, I'd be happy to help with some editing, if you like.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'playing my character' - Howard University - My Admission [3]

Greetings!

I've done some editing for you and will give you some suggestions:

Born Allen Deon Logan on the day of April 16, 1989 at Arlington Hospital located in Arlington, Virigina at approximately 5:34 a.m., weighing 5 pound exactly making me the second child of Frances Walters. - I would leave this out; it is a rather dry list of statistics that doesn't add anything to why the school should admit you as a student.

Throughout my childhood I was always ambitious and open to learning new things. At the age of seven, I won my first basketball championship game. Shortly after that, I was getting ready to go to summer camp. Summer camp was one of the best things I loved about summer time. During summer camp I learned about sportsmanship and communication and just relaxing and having a good time with my peers to express myself.

While in Junior High School I started getting interested in the computer field. I was also chosen out of my eighth grade class to participate in a computer engineering summer program at the University of District of Columbia located in Washington D.C. While attending the University of District of Columbia, I learned how to use various kinds of software, build and break down computer hardware. At the age of 13 years old, I auditioned for my first play. During the audition I was extremely nervous but glad my nervousness didn't show while playing my character in front of a live audience. Later that day, I was selected to play Malcolm X; I was so excited!

Entering high school was a major step for me. During the first day of high school I was thrilled to meet new people and enjoy the fact of being a high school student, but at the same time I was ready to learn. I was also looking forward to the upcoming school year. In the tenth grade, my guidance counselor started informing me about different colleges and career opportunities. She asked me various questions concerning my goals and achievements; one of the questions was, where did I see myself in ten years? I told my guidance counselor that my goals are to be a successful, educated young man, to attend Howard University, be an entrepreneur and own numerous businesses around the country, advance myself with as much experience as I can, and attain a degree during my four to five years in college. I also informed my counselor that I finished a summer program at the University of District of Columbia and that I'm looking forward to what the future holds for me. I said that in ten years, I see myself as a young professional business man.

While completing my high school education, in the eleventh grade I took a plumbing/heating course to advance myself with a trade. During the first day of this course my teacher, Mr. Goldsmith, explained what the course would cover for the next two years. In plumbing class I worked on water heaters, toilets, sink faucets and other projects. Toward the end of the eleventh grade school year, I received an intern position with a federal government contractor. While working for the company I received a lot of government and I.T. experience. This intern position really made me focus on my career. Reaching my senior year of high school, I really got serious about going to college. The college that I strongly feel that I want to attend is Howard University. Throughout my four years of high school I feel that I accomplished a lot and I am looking forward to the future.

You might want to add a little more at the end about why you chose Howard University in particular, as opposed to another school.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on Development of Nuclear activities in Iran [2]

Greetings!

I'm glad to help with some editing tips. Due to the length of your essay, I can't correct every error, but I'll point out a few and give you some general advice:

Knowing when and when not to use an article (a, an and the) can be very tricky if English is a second language for you. Notice that in this sentence, when you are referring to a specific age, it's "the Nuclear Age" but when you are speaking in more general terms (countries, but not specific countries) an article is not used:

Now the whole world is facing a new era called the Nuclear age, where [delete "the"] nuclear energy has become a very essential issue for [delete "the"] countries all over the world.

However the nuclear program's development has its limits - this is really a rather awkward way of saying it; better would be "Nuclear development has its limits"

The problem is considered to be remote, because they don't need to start a war, because similar sanctions were applied against Iraq in 2002 which ended in [delete "the"] failure. - I'm not sure I understand why the problem is "remote"; this is unclear.

Because Iran had failed to adopt the previous resolution which was slightly simpler than the present which did not carry such embargoes and complicated sanctions to be suspended. - this is a sentence fragment.

The point is that, in case [delete "if"] Western countries and the United States stop economic relations with Iran

You've been working hard--keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay on Reactions to Western Imperialism in Asia [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to give you some editing tips on your excellent essay!

Those two characteristics are not without reminding early modern European empires that later gave birth to the scientific Revolution and that spread Industrialization. - I found this sentence a little confusing.

The Western technological advances empowered the British to force China to accept Great Britain's terms of commercial relations

Furthermore, even [delete "the"] Sun Yat-Sen's revolution in 1911 proved to be a failure as regards the creation of new institutions to change [delete "the" (optional, but preferred)] Chinese society.

On the other hand, taking advantage of the changes due to the isolationism under [delete "the"] Tokugawa

Such a reaction [delete ","] turned out to be a clever choice

Accordingly, Japan appreciated the returns of its political, economical, and cultural investments in [delete "the"] Western culture

that country benefited from a period of prosperity and expansion in addition to preserving its sovereignty, whereas the Chinese experience was limited to enduring the assault of [delete "the"] Western Imperialism.

its integration in the nascent globalization of world affairs after having accepted becoming a dependent sovereign state.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "It shouldn't hurt to be a child" - child abuse essay [2]

Greetings!

You've done a good job researching your topic! I can give you a few editing suggestions.

When you give the example of the boy who was tickled, you then go on to say, "Let's explore the differences in these cases of abuse" which makes it sound as if you are going to compare Mike's case with Timmy's case. What you do instead is to explore the different types of abuse, which is a slightly different thing. You might want to change the wording just a little.

This needs a word added: How would you sleep at night knowing that an innocent child could be suffering at the hands of those who are supposed to be their protectors.

The only other thing I would question is whether you were instructed to write it as if you are addressing the reader--in fact, lecturing the reader. Normally, one would not, but perhaps you were given different instructions.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The theme of Linda Pastan's poem "Ethics" - Literature Essay Help [6]

Greetings!

It appears to me that it is still more summary than an analysis of technique. The only technique you really mentioned, toward the end, was imagery. Your essay is more about the underlying meaning of the lessons taught in the poem than it is about the actual writing of the poem itself AS a poem; that is, how the poem was written, rather than why. Your instructor seems to want more how and less why.

Here are a couple of editing pointers:

In Linda Pastan's poem, "Ethics," the theme is that - you need a comma after "Ethics"

One year Pastan decided to answer her teacher's question with, "why not let the woman decide for herself?"

Again, I would urge you to make a list of the types of techniques you have studied in class and see how many of them you can find in the poem, so that you can give examples.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SCARY MOVIES; What is your most frightened experience? - college essay [13]

Greetings!

I think I understand what you are trying to do with the last sentence, but to me it seems a little out of place. There is no rule that says that an essay about a frightening experience cannot end with a note of optimism. If you start that last sentence with "Falling uncontrollably," it sounds as if you are falling, literally, every time you remember. I think you'd be better off without that phrase in that place.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Consumers advertisements; analyze the ads' use of ethos, pathos, and logos [5]

Greetings!

Well, it's a little difficult to say, since you haven't written about the second ad yet. However, just in general, doing a compare and contrast might work. But keeping them separate might also work. I think it would be best if you went ahead and finished your rough draft and let me take a look at it tomorrow; it'll be easier for me to know how to help you, once I've seen your approach.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / need help for "presentation summary" essay [3]

Greetings!

While I see the mistakes your instructor is talking about, it seems rather punitive to fail you when the whole point of the class is to learn! Your biggest problem that I see is your tendency to drop articles (a, an, the). It would take a long time for me to go through and put in every a, an and the that you omitted, so I am just going to point out a few, plus some other errors.

In the "Downtown Eastside" presentation Dupinder and I reviewed the poverty and drug addiction problem in downtown Vancouver.

In my part of the speech I covered a brief history of downtown Vancouver;

Generally speaking, my part of the presentation served as an introduction and connection to [delete "the"] Dupinder's part - "War on Drugs".

which explains why this place became the home of many homeless people with different backgrounds.

thus they are an essential part of a person's life.

Just because they have addictions or mental issues does not mean that they do not have feelings, or a story to tell.

I think your instructor is being too harsh; I'd be inclined to ask him whether the point of taking a class is to learn, or merely to show off what you already knew before you got there! :-)

Good luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Thesis Statement Re: Early Mortality of Rock Stars [10]

Greetings!

I think it really is coming along very well! Some suggestions for the body:

One of the somewhat foreboding tracks on the album: "Handshake Drugs." - I wasn't sure what this sentence was meant to do. It feels rather as if you presented half a thought and left it hanging there, or that it is left over from the sentences earlier in the paragraph.

Jeff Tweedy has tried to rise above the "drug-addled rock star" stereotype. Because of that, he has distinguished himself from others. - This can't stand on its own as a paragraph. It's unclear what its function is.

Because of his desire for normalcy, Jeff Tweedy tried to eradicate [delete "of"] his feelings of depression, panic attacks, and chronic migraine headaches with pain pills.

Is there anything about his personal life or his plans for the future that you could put into the conclusion? That would help give it a sense of going forward, and avoid stagnation--a sort of "down the long, dark tunnel into the light" kind of feel would be a good way to end.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "My family", the greatest influence on me [2]

she was looking for the hope to change

In my case, my mom as a single mother in her native country saw that the laws favored men and that they didn't respect the women of their country. She in turn chose to find a place where there was equality. - I would put these sentences into the preceding paragraph. Paragraphs should typically be no fewer than three sentences long.

Lots of times I would begin to speak in English at home, which came easier to me, and it was more of a struggle to learn another language.

There were many years that my family sought for a way to become Americans; it was a constant struggle and worry for me.

patriotism of the country I had lived in so long.

As you can see I have preserved in having the nationality of this country - Did you mean "persevered"?

To preserve to be the one to accomplish what those of my family have not is a dream that I hope to achieve. - I think you must mean "persevere" here, also. This sentence is a little unclear, even with the correct word. What has your family not accomplished?

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / question about UC ; Describe the world you come from [11]

Greetings!

The prompt wants you to describe the world you come from, and your brother is a part of that world. You might want to start by describing your family and where you live, briefly, before going into the story about your brother's heart problem, but I think that once you give it that context, the story will fit the prompt quite well.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Purpose of App; Why I chose Penn State University [3]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing advice.

I was not born in Germany but rather in Pakistan, yet I call Germany my home--not because I have the urge to be modern or western, but rather because of what Germany has given me and how it has shaped my personality. Yet, I am proud of my heritage and consider the South asian region as one of the richest in culture and history.

because they are not German,

while being the child of parents who are not wealthy or educated,

because not everyone with not good grades has to be disinterested in studies or his field. - I would advise removing this phrase; it's a little unclear and perhaps a little negative.

I made several suggested changes here:
During my studies, I travel in the world of Adam Smith and contemplate free market economics; I discuss the philosophical aspect of human interests in Leviathan; I travel with Marx, but my journey does not end here. It goes on when I ride a sad train with Anna Karenina, fight alongside Napoleon, write down the family values described by Jane Austen, paint a picture with Oscar Wilde, or write letters with Hemingway.

but who thinks about the majority of the world for those who do not have this privilege and these opportunities? - This question does not really make sense to me, and rhetorical questions are generally not advisable in this type of writing.

a speech made by President Dr. Graham Spanier of Penn State University, where he emphasised the importance of educating youth on the global economic revolution (1). His promotion of education and his understanding of youth was quite impressive and his views appealed to me. [b]I agreed with him and want to direct my life toward helping the less privileged.

Good job! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com