Book Reports / American Dream in the 20th Century (The Great Gatsby) [3]

Don't mention the book until you do a body paragraph about it -- unless the bok is a central theme of the essay. I think it's not, though. I think the essay will be about research, Gatsby, and a lot of things people said about the dream.

Bruce Springstein has an interesting quote about it... but I can't remember what it is!! Google around. Also Google this: Hoschild, "American Dream"

But my main suggestion is to take out the example (Gatsby) and keep this intro all about the main theme for the essay. You might want to write the intro after you have written the body paragraphs.

Undergraduate / UM setback essay- my failed experiment. [7]

Yes, this will be a big success. It's awesome.

How about switching to the present verb tense in that last para, though? Like this:
I am determined to apply science for practical outcomes, even though it means a lot of studying, repeated trials, and waiting. My failed experiment has replaced my vain assumption with new determination, and with this I am going to pursue my old goal of becoming a chemist.

Undergraduate / UT Liberal Arts School, Sociology major with a minor in Business Foundation, SOP [6]


This is confusingly awkward.
how about:
Understanding how and why social conditions such as these are allowed to develop or why the factors that lead to these conditions arise is important to me, because I want to __________.

Let's not say "my belief" about things. My belief is that people are not concerned with my beliefs. I'll just sow them my belifs by making confident assertions, like this: My belief is that m Many of the factors that allow...

I volunteer regularly with the Meals on Wheels program in the local communities around Austin. --- this sentence does not belong in that last paragraph. It is great that you do meals on wheels, but mention it somewhere else.

:-)

Undergraduate / "hard work and honesty" - My fascination with cornell, transfer essay [10]


This sentence says the virtues were raised by your parents. Chenge this way:
Raised by highly religious and industrious parents, I gained appreciation for the virtues of hard work and honesty were imbued in me at a very early stage in my life.

I was taught the benefits of reaping the fruits of personal labour. ---- this sentence was a little too flowery and complicated.

After being exposed to the realities of life and experiencing the lives of the underprivileged...

Don't forget to capitalize Cornell!!

:-) great job

Undergraduate / Clark Atlanta University: Preparing yourself for future leadership. [4]

Use commas:
In order to become a good leader, I must enhance my abilities, which will require motivating myself as well as others.

But does the enhancement of your abilities really require motivating others? Maybe you should replace require with involve.

All of this will come to fruition for me as I attend the prestigious, HBCU, Clark Atlanta University.

Writing Feedback / essay about yasser arafat [5]


Yes, I see that Paradokht already told you to capitalize proper nouns.

Also, write Nobel Prize, not "nopel"

Arafat had many achievements to talk about.

Arafat was buried in Ramallah after the strong rejection by the Israeli government of an effort to bury Arafat him in Jerusalem, as he had wished before of his death .

Writing Feedback / work that one finds fulfilling or work that pays well? Van Gogh, C.Marx examples [3]

Yes, add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph. Make it a sentence that answers the question clearly. That will be your thesis statement.

In the conclusion paragraph, I see that you name "fulfilling" jobs as the ones you favor.
Some jobs may be dull, yet they guarantee decent income and fame, while some others may be enjoyable yet lead to destitution. ----- I added some commas

I appreciate the latter for the simple reason that it differentiates a real man from those who survive idealessly. It is not about being man or woman.. and the word idealessly seems wrong. Maybe you should use the word fulfillment, like in the prompt:

I appreciate the latter for the simple reason that it creates the possibility of fulfillment in life. (Add another sentence or maybe even 2 sentences.)

:-)

Undergraduate / USC transfer majoring in communication: What Matters to Me and Why [6]

With one fourth of my life having slipped...

The desire to learn is one of my driving for ces, and the ability to think critically is another essential element I value.

I like your formula!!

...logic and good reasoning, which represent are what I would like to think as a good investment of my time.

Essays / To write an essay regarding attitude [8]


This is a good start for your essay!

I hate to face subjects that involve language, because I am from Malaysia, and I am more familiar with Chinese than English. That is why I sometimes have a bad attitude about language studies. I am trying to change my attitude, because ___________...

Start with one sentence, and then write a few more sentences about the same idea. When you have a whole paragraph, post it here to get some help.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Sing with your heart, not with your mouth." - Gettysburg Supplement. [4]


Is this supposed to say three years ago?

...I was appointed to the position Worship Leader and given the opportunity to lead music for the kids and youth at a community church. At the start, I thought having this title was nothing to care about, and that it didn't come with any responsibilities.

Use a colon to show "more is to come":
This time, I wholeheartedly sang for one purpose: to touch the hearts of others. ---- great sentence!!!

use a semi-colon to put 2 sentences together:
Singing, is more than an act of the voice projecting a melody; its music making a difference.

:-)

Undergraduate / UC Berkeley graduate admission essay - Achievement [5]

After all, not even two years hav e passed since I starred at the face of certain death.

Okay, when you tell the story, you use the past tense, so when you do the intro you should use the present tense:
Standing on the edge of the dock over Mountain Island Lake, I look at the vast...

Wow, crazy story. I think it is great, but that last sentence is awfully boring. The "accomplishment" needs to be expressed a little more here. You'll need to describe how you gradually overcame your fear. The accomplishment is what the essay is supposed to be about, so spend a little more time with it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

You might be looking for info in a way that is too specific. It is always hard to answer WHY questions, especially when they involve legislation.

The thing to do is write ABOUT what is happening and the reasons given. CA is the good case study to use, and I just read this article

businessweek.com/news/2010-01-12/california-gay-marriage-ban-on-trial-in-san-francisco-update3-.html

That article has what you need! :-)

Undergraduate / Franklin and Marshall Supplement Essay -- my desire to be a future physicist. [4]

See the TOS about all your options. Also check out the FAQ.

Goo luck!!!

Undergraduate / Gettysburg College: Why? Why? Why did you choose us? [7]

Yes, it is good that you express what it is about YOU that makes this school right for you. Frisbee, IA, soccer, and game club. But add to this so that the reader can see a little about what your plan is. What is it that makes this school better for you than any other school? All schools have the stuff you mentioned. Is there a prof who has written articles that enlightened you about IA? Show how someone with your unique plan would be best prepared at this school. The essay is still superficial; show that you have a plan and that this school is part of it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Machiavelli and Lao Tzu - compare and contrast essay [2]

Check verse 17 of the Tao. I see that you ended this essay with an inaccurate statement about what Lao Tzu said about the best kind of leader!! being loved is second best, not best. :-)

Among these educated people, Machiavelli was one who suggested the methods of becoming a powerful prince through many examples and the histories of Kings kings that had lived in the past.

Three major differences between their suggestions contrasting approaches were their suggestions pertaining to about war, fortune and mercy.

At the end of the first para, you named war as one of the 3 differences... so it is redundant to start para #2 by saying this: Machiavelli and Lao Tzu had different ideas about war. ---- find a better topic sentence, one that expresses what the difference is. Apply this advice for each topic sentence. Instead of just stating the obvious with those topic sentences, use them to capture the truth of the difference. For example:

With regard to mercy, Mach. advocated for harsh applications of justice and firm control, while Lao Tzu remained committed to the notion of "ruling by letting things take their course."

Undergraduate / Academic History: University of Washington essay revision [3]

...a blanket of dismay and disgust. ---- no comma necessary here.

You are a good writer; how did you fail your classes?!

Due to my progress away from mediocrity, I have concluded...

watch out for this typo:


You'll do great, for sure...

Undergraduate / neurological and social causes and treatments for anxiety disorder-UT Austin SOP [5]


No, it should be a statement of your PURPOSE. You should show them that you have a well-defined plan, something you want to accomplish in the next 5-10 years, and especially while attending this school to which you are applying. I think the most important thing to do is show the reader that you are not one of those kids that is just being ushered through life by adults. Show that you have a clear plan and that this school is part of it.

:-)

Graduate / Personal Statement for Public Health (MPH programs) [3]


You used "words" twice in a row here.. how about:
...make out her words. I offered words of tried to offer comfort and waited patiently for her cries to subside.

Replace that dash with a period:
...began to grasp the magnitude of her this unexpected call. My youn ger sister was pregnant at age 16.

Wow, the rest of this is so impressive, I don't know what to say! At the end, you might want to mention your sister again so that it brings the essay "full circle" back to the topic from the beginning. Great job!!

Research Papers / What do you guys think about "the affirmative action"? (some questions for you!) [4]

Hi Brittany,

Tell me what you think about the answers to these questions, and then I'll tell you what I think! :-)

Research Papers / Research paper on "Passing" by Nella Larsen [3]

First divide the questions up and give a paragraph to answer each:

Discuss the way Irene and Clare confront demands of "Safety" versus the appeal of "risk."

Are there sexual dimensions to this struggle?

Who wins/survives this passionate battle that involves race, sex and class distinctions?

Has Larsen constructed a satisfying conclusion?

For each of these, give a topic sentence and then elaborate and give examples to extend that sentence into a whole paragraph. When you have responded to these 4 questions, you'll have 4 paragraphs already. Include a quote or citation in each paragraph.

Then, you will see that a theme has "emerged" in those paragraphs. Go back and write an intro to express the main theme. When you do everything one step at a time, it is easy!

For good sources online, you can look at google scholar or findarticles.com, or you ca just do a search for the name of this book and see what other people have written about it.

:-)

Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

Hi, I'm sorry! You must have submitted by now. This opening sentence is still WAY awkward, though:
"Do you speak English?" a French man, who visited our family as my dad's guest, asked me once.

I guess I would use the passive voice in this case:
"Do you speak English?" I was asked this question by a French man who was visiting our family as my dad's guest. asked me once.

Good luck!! The rest of it is looking good, and there is some kind of vivid, real quality to this essay -- something that draws the reader into the scene where the conversation takes place. I like it!

Undergraduate / Lehigh University Admissions Officer letter ("I anxiously wait for my decision") [4]

Out of all the schools that I have looked at, Lehigh still stands out as number one on my list, especially because of _______________.
It is such a nice beginning, and now I think you should add a reason right here at the end of that sentence above. Let it be the theme the reader remembers you by.

I want nothing more than to attend Lehigh University in the fall of 2010 in order to lay the foundation for my career as a ____________________. I am working as hard as possible to make this happen.

And let's use a semi-colon here to put these two sentences together:
I think that I have a lot that I can contribute to any college campus; I have been...

You make a great impression!

Undergraduate / "Why I chose to major in Nursing" - Help on a cause and effect thesis [6]

Twenty years after high school, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up: A nurse!
After high school I married into the military, which moved us around a lot. I managed to get schooling and job placement as a dental assistant.

peruse pursue

Writing Feedback / Trying to be "Little Miss Perfect" - Can someone give me feedback on this essay [3]

Let's do this part in the past tense and omit some unnecessary words:
I feel that I have always felt that I had to go above and beyond to please everyone, and to show everyone around me how intelligent I wasI feel that and what I am truly capable of. The funny thing is, I do not know how to please myself. In my head I feel like if I am going to do something, I should do it right the first time and take it on full force. In my life there has been no room for "failure." I have felt the need to succeed and ...

As you continue to work with this essay, see if you can find ways to omit unnecessary words so that the essay packs a harder punch. You use too many words.

You end the first para with an admission that no one is perfect, but later you say you still don't accept failure. Which is it? I like the fact that you adhere to this non-acceptance of failure. Perhaps you can affirm that you still make it your policy to never tolerate a half hearted effort even though you no longer keep unreasonable standards for yourself. This essay will be memorable and powerful if keep that theme of tackling challenges full force.

:-)

Undergraduate / Goizueta Essay on Leadership [4]

Let's add a comma:

The PVS Panthers fervently drove the soccer ball down the field and scored point number seven, demolishing the opposing Brownsville Road team.

Getting rid of "fervently" makes the sentence great!

...was in euphoria felt euphoric as the Panthers were crowned champions of the entire recreation league for the fifth straight season.

I like this theme: "this was for me." You should add one more sentence to the end of the intro para, before beginning para #2, and make it a sentence that introduces this theme. That way, you it will be really impressive when you come back to that theme at the end.

:-)

Book Reports / George Orwell's Animal Farm Essay (active voice, little forms of be, present) [3]

Use commas this way:
Sadly, though, soon after the animals conquer and drive out their master there comes along yet another suppressing figure.

They feed the animals more lies than they do rations of food, they make them work to nearly death, and convince them that the lives they now lead are far greater than the lives they had under human control.

The sentence above is the last sentence of the first para, so it lingers in the reader's mind. Make it a thesis statement that captures the main idea you have for the essay. Let it be more than just a description of the story; let the essay (and the thesis statement) have a memorable theme or message - something you are saying about Animal Farm.

Know what I mean? Plant a seed, make a memorable theme instead of just describing.

Undergraduate / Rough draft--Reflection on Goals, University of North Carolina at Wilmington [3]

When you make your thread titles, please use words that will help people to search EssayForum in the future for topics like yours. That is what we mean when we ask for people to use "descriptive thread titles." :-)

When you are writing something tha is important to you, you can observe some of the rules we don't ordinarily observe in ordinary speaking. One rule of style is to avoid starting sentences with "There are" or "there is." Lik this:

There is A quote in John Irving's novel A Prayer for Owen Meany that reads,...
In this way, you can avoid taxing the reader's attention with a lot of unnecessary words.

There are t I intend to develop two goals while at school: exploring possible careers, and developing my time management skills.

But you have already developed these goals, so we write:
I intend to pursue two goals while at school: exploring possible careers, and developing my time management skills.

and I changed that semi-colon into a colon.

:-)

Undergraduate / Franklin and Marshall Supplement Essay -- my desire to be a future physicist. [4]

Use dots for U.S. instead of US

This first para seems to take a long time to make its point. I'll try to pack it tighter:

To be well acquainted with the admission process in the US, The first thing I did after my final exams was to visit the United States Educational Foundation in Nepal. In the Friday session, the advisors described to us the process of application step by step, the first of which was to search and choose colleges. After attending the Friday session, I went directly to the library on the ground floor. There, on the wall, I saw some flags of US Colleges and Universities. A blue flag in the first row caught my attention. It read Franklin and Marshall College. I asked for permission to use a library computer and started exploring that college. From that day, I have explored the college nicely and have found it a great fit for me. F and M was the first and the best college I found researched. Therefore, choosing to apply there was not a difficult decision for me.

Now it's a little less tedious to read. With all the details, the reader can get overwhelmed.
I see that the whole essay is written very well, but like many good writers you use too many words! Revise for conciseness. :-)

Undergraduate / Essay for UW Madison (just describing a story, not a resume :) [3]

On the first day of my sophomore year, I finally realized how difficult it is to get into a statistic class in this campus. Every class was full; you could not even put an extra chair there. Though I had requested override even before summer bread started, only a few professors replied, and they told me I could do nothing but just wait until others dropped their spots.

"I am an international student, b ut I am not disabled!"

I found a corner right away after I went out his office, cried aloud : dignity lost, success vanished, hope fade away... I drowned in an unaccountable indescribable sadness.

This is such a meaningful essay. I'm glad you wrote about this; it's something that is important to a lot of people.

I have learned that happiness exists not only in things you love to do, but also in things you have to do. --- great, great, great ending.

Undergraduate / become a heart surgery doctor, My success in the future lies in my own hands. [2]

Salah, it's so nice of you to make al these great corrections! Check out the EF_Contributor page.

I know that the road ahead will not be easy for me, but I cannot stop here. I need to move on in order to reach my goals. My future success in the future lies in my own hands.

Undergraduate / "Zip-lining in Ecuador" - USC Transfer Essay [2]

This is the part that I think needs something more:
... along the way, as being somewhere new is like delving into the unknown.----- This is a great build up to segue into a memorable thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, so add one more sentence. This sentence is too long to linger in the reader's mind. write a short sentence after this, before ending the paragraph.

Also the last paragraph: You gave great descriptions of the experience, but... say specifically what is important to you during that last paragraph.

I'm confident in my ability to face challenges in the future in areas associated with causes about which I'm passionate.

Undergraduate / "I was born and raised as a bahun' - Commonapp Personal Essay [9]

Use a comma here:
Was I an Australian kangaroo, or had I grown up becoming a Guinean one?

This is a great idea; I think any reader is going to like it.

Look for ways to get rid of long, cumbersome phrases:
For me, adjusting to the city was not the issue, considering the fact that because our bahun family had been living there for generations.

it is defined by the different places, and more accurately, the different cultures he has come across.---- excellent! So make sure you mention in this last paragraph that the Australian kangaroo in the example turned out to have been a Guinean one.

Undergraduate / Gettysburg College: Why? Why? Why did you choose us? [7]

This is the sentence that needs some work:

Her suggestion compelled me to explore the school's web resources and learn more about it; the more I learned, the more interested I became.

I learned that I can achieve academic success while keeping up with my social life. --- you should write something else here; I don't think this is specific enough, but I bet you can say something that more accurately captures the social and intellectual atmosphere that seems to be at the school.

:-)

Faq, Help / Help to understand one of the rules (You get what you give!) [11]

You can look at the bottom of the page and click on "Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, TOS"

:-)

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

Well, there are tons of good sources. Some are not scholarly, but they show what is going on right now:
balancedpolitics.org/same_sex_marriages.htm
or these people, oh my word...

nogaymarriage.com/tenarguments.asp

For scholarly articles, I usually recommend google scholar or questia.com

However, this is about recent things, like how CA law has changed, so I think newspaper articles might be good too
nytimes.com/2010/01/15/us/15sfbriefs.html

Undergraduate / Penn State -- yourself, your experiences, or activities [6]

Te first sentence is a lot of unnecessary stuff, I think. To understand where I come from as a student, it is important for me to explain the challenges I have gone through as a student and as a person, but it is also important to mention my achievements especially as a leader and volunteer. That gets rid of a lot of characters.

Start like this:
I moved to California from Nigeria two years ago, and __________ (add something here to make this sentence more substantial... to let the reader know why you are mentioning the move. I know you will explain it in the next sentence, but I think this first sentence should give a bit more explanation, too). While I was in...

Two years before my graduation, I had completely lost interest in academics. ------ why even tell them about this? Is it necessary to talk about it? What is the main idea of this essay, that is what you have to decide.

Whatever the main idea is, write about it in both the intro and conclusion. :-)

Also, make sure you use descriptive words in your thread titles at essayforum!

Undergraduate / Hospitality Administration - Cornell Transfer Admissions Essay [10]

...and stared longingly towards the candlelit diners.

However, this would be neither my first nor my last set back.- no need for commas

or

However, this setback would neither be my first nor my last.

If you still have time to work on the essay, you might want to try compounding the message of the essay by adding a theme. You mention green development. How about making green development a theme for the essay? It can be what really makes it all meaningful. That is just one idea... you can add any theme you want. In President Obama's State of the Union Address, he points out that 'the nation that leads the clean energy economy will be the nation that leads the global economy.' Can this same principle apply in the hospitality industry?

However, this is already great. The beginning has a sort of movie-like quality when we visualize the kitchen and you are thinking about going back to school.

Undergraduate / fascinated by psychology: "reasons for transfering and the objectives...." ComAp [5]

Here is a place where a long sentence would be good:
When I was 13 years old, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and possible borderline personality disorder, and I grew to understand that her often erratic behavior had taught me at an early age to be sensitive to minute changes in peoples' moods.

That way, you don't have ne sentence (the one about her diagnosis) that seems out of place in the paragraph.

Or you can use a semi-colon:
When I was 13 years old, my mother was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder and possible borderline personality disorder; I grew to understand that her often erratic behavior had taught me at an early age to be sensitive to minute changes in peoples' moods.----- it keeps the sentences together because they go together.

Undergraduate / human personality, law - University of Chicago essay [6]


The body is the embodiment of it. The personality is not an embodiment.
Also, this says:
human personality is ...the -------> irrefutable and universal right.
So, human personality is both embodiment and a right?

I'm sorry to be critical!

Now, they asked about the human personality that can be uplifted or degraded. Could King have been talking about a COLLECTIVE personality shared by all humanity?

Undergraduate / My view on diversity...DePauw supplement... [10]

Five years back, when a French __________ (you should add an interesting noun here that expresses who he was or what role he played. A French teacher? Waiter? Police officer?) me this question, I was taken aback.

I thought it was a common gesture throughout the world. --- right after this sentence, you need a sentence that tells the reader that the French guy explained to you about the head wag. ---then continue---> When a British friend of mine asked me the same question during my stay at Bhakunde, I explained to him what the Frenchman explained to me: "It's same as the forward nod. Just a bit of our unique style you see!"; with a subtle sense of pride, I replied when a...

Am I even understanding correctly? I hope so...
anyway, revise for clarity. :-)

A f ew months before earlier, I had gone to a...

At Bhakunde, I understood that diversity is nothing to be tolerated or adjusted for. Rather, it is something to embrace and appreciate. --- how about like that?

Nice ending, you did a great job creating a sense of diversity in the essay. Good examples, too.