Undergraduate / An essay for Harvard Leadership Conference for Taiwanese students [3]


I'm not quite sure what you mean here. Also, you take a long time to build up to the point.


who is we?


So I assume this is your goal, and also the problem that you are trying to address


stronger collaboration*
I'm sure that those steps you list are great steps, but they don't show how YOU would resolve the problem of non-extracurricular interest. Maybe add a more personal touch? ..if you have time


, and what should they do with this role?


what do you mean by this? they hold access to those opportunities? public hearings?

These are all good ideas to motivate Taiwan's youth to self-determination, but what would YOU do personally? what steps will YOU take?

"I realized that not many foreigners know about Taiwan, and some even confuse Taiwan with Thailand." seriously:? "I had no option but to fill in "Taiwan, Province of China" in my nationality." Meh, Taiwan doesn't have official status as a nation, though some forms do place Taiwan separately. You should mention the independence issue. Totally fits here too. Time though :/ that's the problem

I like your ending. There's quite a few tense errors in here. Hope you catch them, but content is more important, focus on that

Strength- not quite the effect that shows you are an active person, though you have a few instances of motivation. You don't quite answer this either: "How would you approach this problem? "

Other than that, I like the point made here

Poetry / Billy Collin's "The Listener" [3]

Hi Shawn,
Hopefully you contribute a bit more before you ask a question? I'm not sure what your writing background is. I doubt many others do either here. If you could provide us with what you thought the theme was first, maybe we can help a bit more?

Also, I'm not sure if you are allowed to post things from other sites, but you could write the poem here. If it is this poem: tinyurl.com/L1sten3r, then maybe the "theme" could be about life/being passive/love/nobility/nature/etc.. There's a bunch of things that a poem can signify. It all depends on what you take from a poem, at least that's how I see it. Depending on what type of theme you need, you could also talk about the sensory detail in the poem. It's up to you~

Writing Feedback / Does having a lot of options make people happy? [2]

Funny situation. Are you saying that your teacher gives you good marks/scores/grades even though you thought this was a poorly written paper? Let's read...


why the Question mark at the end? Maybe an exclamation mark intended? If you wanted to just have it as a statement, then 'Now that's what I call a good question. It would be hard for* me to answer it!'


Once I read this sentence, I thought something was awry. You go from happiness, to asking questions, to good question, to different people types...I'm getting a bad feeling from this chain. Unless this "it" here refers to that first question. I guess the issue is the chain of three pronouns. Try to keep them, the pronouns, clearly connected with what they are meant to substitute.


works here, but they don't 'what'? Maybe "simply can't stand making such choices." or "simply dislike open ended possibilities." I think the latter fits better. What do you think? :] hehe


So, here I want to pause and ask you, what made you think of this question? is there a background to it? something that made you think about it? And back to editing- 'each one answered* this/the/my question'


did each of them give you three answers? or did they each give you a single, different response? (hint: exclamations are fun, but use them sparingly. Instead of surprising your reader/audience/teacher with these !!!!, you need only use one, try to make more analytical or critical statements. This will greatly improve your writing style and hopefully get you to write more about what you think.


First paragraph I assume? Quite short. I'm not sure if you enjoy using adjectives (you have countless ones to choose from), but you could use some more of those, and add in a transition here or there. A topic sentence would be good, but I'm not sure if you need that for such a short piece. Grammatically, you can split the first sentence into maybe two, or possibly even three smaller clauses. That last sentence "Seeing new..." is a clear attempt at commenting on her response, or seems so, but you can add more. Explain why it doesn't make her bored, explain that a supermarket has countless more options and merchandise than a minimart, explain that more clearly than "more variety"- more variety of 'what'? These can seem really simple things to talk about, but if you can link them well together, you can tell the reader more of what you think. Maybe you know those things, but organize them and write them down.


Second paragraph is three sentences! Good job. Again, those "it"s need to be addressed properly. Every time* she goes to a cafe with her friends, she freaks out because she doesn't know what kind of coffee, let alone what kind of drink she should buy.

freaks out-colloquial but ok I guess? or maybe not...this is your essay, use your own style.
Same issue with "type of whatever." type of whatever she wants/needs to buy/eat/drink/etc. Be more descriptive. Finish those thoughts.

Using "There is..." sounds somewhat odd. Again, if you add a description, you could say, "On the menu, she sees Expresso,..." Changing the way you write can make a big difference.


Miss MiddleRoad. It's always good to have these people/thoughts around.
What do you mean Lizzy doesn't think about it? What do you mean by your parenthetical statement? (why is it there?) why not so that people from all pay scales/ people from all walks of life/ people with different tastes/ etc? I say this because "slums" are not a people. :/ Again, you can write more here I assume. You could even state those choices I wrote a second ago and use those. Talk about them. What is good, what is bad, etc.


Do* options make people happy?
Since you didn't really analyze anything, I'm not sure a "in conclusion" statement would work. You address the happiness issue only in the introduction and the conclusion. I don't remember a happiness reference in the body. You could write about being happy there too. Again, with this type of paper, I don't know if you are allowed to use personal pronouns, but I assume you can, since you used them earlier. Last statement makes sense. However, prove it in the essay. Make your point a strong one.


What exactly are you trying to do? write better? get advice on better writing? simply get other opinions? I read your other thread; it seems like you write well. Good is subjective :] I can say that you can definitely improve your writing. I assume you live in America? If not, pardon my ignorance.

~Sorry I got carried away

Cheers,
Jon

Graduate / Brandeis International Business School, International/cross-cultural experiences [5]

your experience with challenge will help you excel in the classroom. your move with your ability to adjust, and your understanding that there is more to learn as a drive to learn.

to answer, the question, do what you did here. talk about the change, your goals, your experiences.. you somewhat answered it already. just organize those thoughts. good luck~

whats the word count by the way?*

Writing Feedback / Computers and operation systems - My introduction [5]

Hi Roze,
<comments> (suggestions)

Okay, this intro is a start... I'm guessing you didn't write the rest out yet? What exactly are you trying to write about in this essay? Is it


? or are you trying to talk about Mac OS X specifically? make it clear early and take some of the other parts out for later in your essay.

bon chance~

Essays / Why animal experimentation is not a acceptable practice (essay ideas) [6]

Hi Atu
Welcome to EssayForum

So, this essay that you plan to write here, was the question one you made for yourself? Your three ideas:


are a good start I guess. What about these did you want to talk about, and why these three? If you can explain that, you can write about it too.

Ask yourself how you want to start. Do you want to use an example/a case study? a quote? or maybe even an overarching moral obligation? What do you want to write about? How you start will lead to what you end the essay. Personally, I would start out with something about how animal experimentation is an existing practice and what it is. Then I'd write that these practices are unacceptable because of (such and such reasons...). Then make a statement to conclude the intro. I'm not that great of a creative writer, but you could incorporate those previous techniques I mentioned. There are many, many ways to write an essay. Do what best fits you and your writing style.

*hopefully, your spelling will be better in the essay. (no texting syntax please)

Undergraduate / "It started with a soccer ball" Tufts Optional Essay [3]

start earlier next time? :]


have* never


Having/Holding/Maintaining such*


set for myself*


hope to succeed* in

so yes, this essay is quite bare. I'm not sure how much time you have left~2 hrs? but you could mention how soccer is pertinent to your current activities. As you say here, soccer was something you did before, not recently, or so it seems. connect that excitement for soccer with other things that you are now doing. Maybe emphasize that you still have that passion for soccer, that you still want to be active in it (or something). Also, the first three paragraphs are too much about other stuff not really answering the prompt other than saying you had a hard time being accepted as a soccer player.


doesn't bring to light that you were excited about it. this has a negative connotation and isn't all that great to end your intro~


You don't exactly answer this. you say you made a team, but make the point stronger- that it didnt matter that you were kicked off. You decided to make your own team!

good luck at Tufts~

Undergraduate / Essay: Why Art? Honours program - they need a good enough essay to confirm. [2]

Interesting response in you're first paragraph. you use second person to address the reader, but this makes it a unique, tho informal essay.


comma missing or something here


the question goes unanswered. what do you mean, so why not art? though you continue this throughout the essay, I think it seemed stronger in the first paragraph. here, the repetition seems out of place (to me).


a mouthful~edit?


run on? or continuation of previous sentence?


yet to many*


again, I'm quite confused. If I haven't placed them with care, then is it still art? This mug cups business sounds somewhat harsh and untransitioned. did that artist's picture have a mug cup?


Are you saying that by writing down your idea of art, you are not limiting that to other people? the "art is in the eye of the viewer? and what do you mean by "this"?

You ask again, Why not art?, several times, I don't think you need to repeat that many times.
Basic idea I get from this essay is that you see art as a method to immerse yourself in, as anything with a purpose (explicit, or implicit) behind it, and that there are thoughts behind the artist's painting/artwork.

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

Now that the application season is over for most applicants, how did YOU fare? accepted, rejected? waitlisted? :? would be nice to hear where my fellow forum members are going

Research Papers / Need help with thesis - research paper about global drug trade & proliferation. [2]

to make a thesis, you need information, a background of the drug war topic




this is just some general info. you can find this online as well
here's another thread to look at
https://essayforum.com/research-papers-11/earth-space-science-class -thesis-statement-help-15699/

Grammar, Usage / Sentence Problem - it's a fragment, how to reword it? [9]

violence increases in our country day by day. <this fits here as a stand alone sentence.
if you have something else like, i want to stop the violence increase in our country day by day...then maybe the second? but stick with the violence increases~

Undergraduate / Rice - Why xxx school of study (interested in science) [5]

your English is really great~


is strongly the right adverb?



nice usage of the words here. another thing, try not to use the word science too many times.


keep there parallel.

overall, very nicely written. good luck at Weiss.

Graduate / Statement of objective-SINGAPORE MIT ALLIANCE SMA [4]

I looked around at your other posts. you're very formal I guess, always the Hello :P
(turn off the caps lock)
so what IS your question :? what does all that in bold mean?
It means write a statement of purpose on why you want to follow this field. show what your goals are, show what type of interests you have, and what in your experience will help you in this field.

Sorry if this is less clear. an SOP is a paper explaining your reasons for doing something...which is in this case, applying for this program. good luck~ hope you have some friends who can help you

Letters / curriculum vitae for the admission in p.hd.-SMA (singapore M.I.T.ALLIANCE) [4]

I was looking thru unanswered threads, like I always do, but what exactly do you need help on here? how to lay out a resume for this one program offered by those jointed universities? there's always Google, but I'm not sure if you can get access to it. :O

if you can use google, then search there for resume templates

a curriculum vitae is a summary of your academic and work history... so I'm guessing resume is the same...there's lots of examples online

here's a one right off of Google: rockportinstitute.com/resumes.html

Undergraduate / 'Changing people's lives' - Community Service- Synthesis Essay [5]

Oxymoron in that she suggests making a voluntary action mandatory

Undergraduate / 'Lyricist and theatrical actor' Univ. of rochester #2: your contribution to the university [3]

auteur. cool word
a lyricist of* or in? I'm not sure which one works.
not sure you need to say seven years. we hope adcoms can add
woah. you flop from acting to foreign exchange. you don't talk much about it.
une seule experience, s'il vous plait, ou vous pouvez ecrire plus
I like all the terminology... interesting stuff.


you only state one objective...


I believe that these...adviser*...arts will ...UoR's...<what do you mean here? that UoR had many styles of ind. study? I don't quite get it>

overall, on the point, only last part is a bit hard to understand. good luck at UoR~

Undergraduate / 'Changing people's lives' - Community Service- Synthesis Essay [5]


While it may seem an*
Iono. I like your way of writing, it's ..i guess different. I feel like changing parts, but much of it is good as is. One thing I did notice was that you mention community service should be mandatory. however, adding the volunteering part confuses the issue a bit. either say that com. serv. should be emphasized more and leave in the volunteering. or take out volunteering and just mention the community service. You're placing com. serv. and volunteering side by side and saying they are the same. yet i don't think they exactly are. you could add that voluntary com. serv. is even better, and shows personal growth/motivation/etc... but iono..i'm having a difficult time connecting them, maybe because I worked with people doing mandatory com. serv because they were on probation (not the same, at all) I do agree with your points though, about com. serv.


teaches* make sure you quote accurately. i think you missed a comma somewhere


a part*


Having all* sounds a bit better, how do u eliminate diversity :? this is a strong statement, maybe nice it down a bit by adding could help eliminate*?


maybe shorten this news summary to point out the main ideas. just a funny thought: not all of us teenagers have grandmothers in a hospital. you should try to lead away from his example and lead it to more pertinent points for the general public


so here you could replace "at places" with a main point from the summary, something like: and volunteered their time with the community...<sounds better:?>


use a dash instead of the "and" here, it makes it a stronger sentence.


sounds somewhat repetitive of the previous sentence. you drag on the life attitude changes for these three sentences :/ true points though


activity* not subject, yea?


here it sounds somewhat extended of your previous paragraphs somewhere up there. and your last sentence, is also repeat :/
some ideas for a stronger, more synthesized conclusion would be to talk about the generalities of com. serv. and say that in light of these benefits of such activities, schools should make this worthwhile opportunity a mandatory one. Here you can mention the oxymoron statement and make a concluding statement of how com. serv could be voluntary, but the positive results outweigh the negative impacts, if any. Moreover, etc...you could keep going.

great ideas. as for the synthesis prompt, I think you cover only one aspect of this issue :? you don't exactly synthesize two ideas. or maybe you did. im not sure. :/ synthesis usually means a pro and a con and then a resulting better solution/compromise. maybe you could add in a little something about how while com. serv. should be voluntary, it should be made mandatory. you say something like this, but make it clear. the major portion of the essay would be the synthesis I guess. I liked reading through this. maybe I'll go out and do something. hope your teacher likes your paper.

Research Papers / Earth and Space Science class, Thesis Statement Help [5]

ideas: sure thing. one would be to say that human induced causes are the major factor in global warming. another would be to say that the earth is a constantly changing habitat that goes through cycles and natural change (humans are only a small part). OR make a middle path. since this is a research paper, I'd suggest you do some preliminary research before writing out a thesis. that way you will have an idea of what you want to write and you won't have flop back and forth with the paper. point to remember, present an argument that you support, one that you can find facts and evidence to support.

to present an argument, you need a question, maybe write a question here for people to see? or ask yourself one, and place yourself in a spot to answer it. good luck~

Essays / What's In A Name (people's names have significance)? Critical essay. [5]

haha. I agree with nick names. I really dislike Jonny*

so a thesis.. along the lines of what you have there at the end.


quite agreeable, and from there you can talk about how names are just additives to a person, and usually not an intrinsic part of people's personalities. I would like to know what you think. Interesting topic btw. for discussion at least, but for an essay, yea, this should be banned. haha. you taking a philosophy class? or is this somehow pertinent to some English topic?


Here you can talk about how Kimberly is significant in that it is a name you go by, an address that people have to speech and refer to the individual you. you could also talk about how it is important as it has been the name you have been called your entire life (I assume) and that there are memories that go along with a name. About cultural issues about naming, there are apparent trends about parents hoping their children will be like a model figure and thus name them as such, but really...I agree with you. it's the environment. Great ideas for thought :P

Essays / What's In A Name (people's names have significance)? Critical essay. [5]

names. I would think 3 pages is a lot. maybe just organize into a structured essay :]

lol. let's see... begin with either a general statement about names, maybe something about how names are so important, but how sometimes it may appear that we get our names randomly...< then again, what is YOUR stance on names?> after that, you can say something about naming and the issues around it <thesis. try not to use direct words from the prompt.> Then off to presenting examples or supporting things that you will talk about after.

so... you just writing about first names? or last and middle and other names too>?

Book Reports / comparing the tragic flaws from Frankenstein, Hamlet and The Great Gatsby [3]

well, it may be a bit late, but there are a lot of character's in each of these novels/play that you can indulge in. maybe the one that stands out is the main character's un-assertiveness and lack of resolve (as in hamlet and gatsby) but also how they stick to a single ideal of beauty/family/something. wish you had asked for more, because I don't know what you want to do with this. what "ideas" need to be organized here?

Undergraduate / Iowa State University First Year Honors Program Essay: 5 year Space Mission [2]


O really? not to disprove you, but it was newly discovered by the Europeans, namely the English. The indigenous Africans already lived there. maybe just say how it shows the interaction of one nation with another, that two distinct civilizations met in this novel...which really quite dark.


pray tell how that book shows complexity? the whole going native, fallacy, ludicrousness of the European approach to the natives was horrid. I, as the reader, may wonder of the things in this book that you understood.. talk about those as examples..

While yes,


, you don't say how.. maybe mention that there has to be diplomatic and strategic approaches to unearth or uncover new territories, planets, etc. I like the reality check, but reality check what on your actions? not to do some things, to do some things more, to not do anything at all for some things? tell the reader what you think about this book.. maybe more about the strongest impact this book may have..for me it was the horrible state of power and mismanagement of resources that will remind me to think about my endeavors thoroughly before I embark on a journey where you can't turn back. (while the narrator goes back to England, you as a space-ranger (haha) may not be able to


Ok, so music, why not a portable computer? lol. a PSP or something can sub as an mp3. well, about this sentence, why can u not last without music? what about music is so important? you say


, but is that the only importance of music? maybe because listening is so passive, you can say you want to bring your electric violin (assuming you can get one) because as an honors essay, I don't think passiveness and relieving stress through using music during free time looks all that well/strong. is this really you? are you INSEPARABLE with that device? tell me more about why..less of this:


free time. lets just say that you are in space for a long time, mp3's are such a limited device... if you really want to talk about it, tell more about it...how it would let you flourish. I advise the violin/psp/something that reflects you as a person and not just a stressed music fan- sound reasonable?


Good item, but I have to wonder, will you swim in space? haha. maybe the memories are nice, floating in space with yellow goggles. I like the image :] but the luck thing...why is that significant? you say it will


here I must ask, what did you gain, what journey in swimming? think of what you did in swimming, was it individual races/relays? what about that will reflect on your future (in the spacecraft, i.e. college)

Ok, great. you have your items, you're all set to go, but what did you leave behind? If you could, maybe an intro, that introduces in short, these items and their importance. then again, if you find that hard, I think I would too. Overall, grammar is good. just some things that leave me wondering about who you REALLY are. things that stood out, you are a swimmer (endurance) and an avid music fan (passive/creative in that you make music with a violin) there are many things left unsaid that you can say.

Book Reports / Arthur Miller's The Crucible - essay [6]

my first concern: what is the topic/prompt?
you say Miller tells...writes...writes...uses...uses...uses... :X


Here it sounds like "He [Miller] writes ...and denies..." Make sure the parallel is between the correct subjects.
That interjection about page 102...is that crucial to the essay?
I believe you can combine that sentence about tone/metaphors/epiphanies with a previous sentence. by metaphor, do you mean allegory? it this was the thesis sentence, the ending half of the sentence is confusing. you have a chain of three verbs that I'm not sure what you mean.


would be sufficient, yes?
About topic sentences, what I do is either a transition or a short overarching analysis that you will prove in that paragraph: main idea/evidence/analysis/transition...repeat...

about incorporating tone into a play, I don't think one word succinctly explains the tone of their relationship. maybe the fact that this was a Puritan village and such words were condemned and it shows Proctor's feelings toward Abi...that can come in the center of that para...but make a more general topic sentence, then narrow down with evidence, and make it sufficiently analyzed so that you prove how Miller uses these techniques to show that perspective about truth and deceit.

That's a lot to talk about in the intro, but I'm guessing the prompt is something~ Evaluate how the author uses tone/metaphors/epiphany to develop his perspective on sins and truth.? <Random guess.

Undergraduate / "to explore the present" - COLUMBIA ESSAY [3]

haven't read the other one, but I'm somewhat iffy about that speech you make. it sounds nice, with some grammar mistakes, but overall, it sounds true and genuine. I'd advise just paraphrasing, which would allow you to elaborate on some thoughts.

This is like a story of yourself buried inside another story. It's interesting as such, but your point is somewhat left out along the edges. so, if I were to go along the prompt, I'd be asking myself, what is this person Weili telling me about himself? he's nervous at times, but he's willing to say what he see's as true. he's also writing a storyline essay, it's different

(sorry if you're a girl xD I don't think girls play baseball, but ok.)

just wondering, what would be a prompt for your specific answer?
i'll go look at the other one now~

Undergraduate / Tufts Self-identity [7]

ooo~ same prompt :]
I like your first line, but it jumps from food, to cultures, to beats, and creativity...bit of a jumble


what do you mean here? isn't making beats creative? or did you mean something else


nice~ will this be your "voice"? however, what does this have to do with the next sentence about fortune cookie slips? and how does Peter Singer connect with slips of paper?

Animal lover..woah. you were just talking about food. now the beasts themselves?


ok..I'm sort of getting your flow; it's different to say the least. about the they here, are you saying that people claim to be hateful? or that most people are not as full of hate as many claim they are. :?

I like the "I am an amalgamation..." lol. funny. wish people could be packaged like that. would make for great new years presents.

Feedback. hm. what to say, it's a lot of information, but you don't specifically say what form your


. Also you don't quite reflect on what voice you will bring. maybe you can focus each short paragraph on those three things:


and work to make your ideas flow more because without an intro, each idea stands on its own until an somewhat concluded ending.

Undergraduate / TUFTS! MY OBSESSION WITH FOREIGN MUSIC [4]

foreign music! woo. but no bumping please.


long winded.


not to be anal or anything, but I get excited doesn't sound exactly exciting.


same thing as get excited? maybe switch/swap/insert/delete/etc..


On occasion, I have abandoned...*


what's this supposed to mean? you've gone back to a previous hype? what bands btw? 2pm/gdragon/suju?


make it sound like this is EXCITING...I get a feeling this was not written with umph~ unless your tone is different, but it just doesn't sound positive. Why mention the bad, the retrogress when you can mention the NEW, the exotic, the EXPLOSIVE or SOOTHING rhythms of these different cultures and ethnic/linguistic bands...

Okay...so here's what I thought. I like you excitement for music. I like how you involve yourself with what you hear and enjoy living with different cultural tones/moods/etc. HOWEVER, you don't place that music in good light. you list jumping back and forth from one band to another, seemingly at random.

The prompt:


Do you talk about a voice? what will you ADD? different tastes in music? linguistic experience? what?~

Undergraduate / plain awesomeness,How family history/culture/environment influenced who you are [3]

is the question how has* family/culture/...?


Bearing this title...lawn jockey-haha,


why?


and prove* to the...


the 'you' can be changed out.
if you want, explain more than just being a voice, explain how you did that...
what did you mean by path of perseverance?
why the slang? to emphasize your Latino background?
You can talk about that...about how this is you culture, your background, how people in you community aren't educated in the way that the majority is? that this is the culture you come from. The urbandictionary thing...is that also part of your culture? You don't really mention environment, but I'm not sure you have to. You do address how you've been motivated to do things differently, but can you make that more clear? The who you are part of the prompt you did answer I guess..

what was the actual prompt for this?

Undergraduate / Labor vs. International Relations! [4]


the studies of* ? unless it's just one study...


the nevertheless statement doesn't fit exactly. and did u mention the ambassador topic earlier? "its ability to nurture those with a wide range of interests." what does this mean? that ILR nurtures __what__ with interests? <I'm confused here>



if possible, combine w. previous sentence?


Hope you mentioned this earlier too.

It's fine as a conclusion, but what was the prompt? somewhat stands alone here, and that doesn't make it sound as nice

Undergraduate / Cornell Hotel Management Essay [2]


interested in how hotels run
As such,
About the hotel, maybe mention staff* at Lanesborough


haha. maybe satisfaction?


I don't see the point much in this paragraph. and it's somewhat informal~the you. the next paragraph is also about hotel location. I dont see YOU much in this essay.


runs on :/

Comments: yes, you do say what you learn, but it's minimal about yourself and what you gained...other than it's important to have great service/location. you also didn't really mention hospitality management, whatever that is. grammar isn't bad, some are great sentences. overall, interesting points, but you need to expound more about how they contribute to your future success...good luck~

Undergraduate / Brown-Best advice: "Be sexy, confident" [6]


haha. maybe a "will not let" will connect better.

Interesting piece of advice. I don't think it contradicts your common app because you still mention the hardships, etc

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]


like I said in a previous thread about research papers, what do you plan on talking about? what aspects of this topic? narrow the choices down (dangers/applicable history/current legislation/current debate/etc)

introduction:talk about some history, briefly, followed by the importance of the issue. then narrow down what you want to talk about, set the stage so to speak. last part of the intro should be a short conclusion of what you find

thesis can go in conclusion here or in the first paragraph of the intro. just a note: Introductions can be longer than just one paragraph. If you want to lay out subtitles in you paper, that will work too.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]


missed my mark*? I love to daydream <maybe consider a dash to join with the next sentence.>


nor star* I like the parenthetical statements
About the title, you don't have to put one right? This one does fit somewhat, but why dream a "little" dream? why the little, just wondering.

The essay turned out great though! Imagery is quite nice too. haha
Good luck!

Student Talk / For college students who use this service - have you gotten into the colleges? [21]

haha Tim. yes, all those speeding/parking/j-walking tickets will beef up your college prospects. gotta steal a car and get it moving :]

Undergraduate / Overcoming the Peer Pressure... [Common App Essay] [2]


you have got to be kidding...no pun intended here? or..you being funny...

about an ending, im not sure what you really need to say because you talk about so much. what prompt was this? you talk a lot about different events, but can you focus on one thing and talk about that? most likely you will have to talk ab out impact/influence, so you can talk about how you overcame peer pressure and took the initiative to be a friend to other lonely people at your school?

Undergraduate / Common Application college essay-- Tennis [3]

age of algebra? whats that? algea bras xD? jk ^^


sweated*


were you cut? im confused here. what did you mean by the start of the new paragraph?
main thing i couldn't get through was the last paragraph, while i somewhat get the calvin and hobbes? allusion, it's somewhat non flowing with the rest. also those other activities...iono if they need to be there

overall, very nice imagery..a bit too much about the sunscreen. haha. tmi xD
about tennis.. 5th doubles? how does that work? i thought a team was 3singles, 3 doubles. ~ 9people plus subs...so were u not a starter? or what..other than that, most of the flow was understandable. if you want to have stuff cut, focus more about the experience and it's affect on you..how it impacted you. no pun intended ;]

Book Reports / My intro of Hamlet essay - Why did so many characters die [2]

hamlet hamlet...
is this a book report summary? analysis? depends what the assignment you have to do. if it's summary, then ok, you have a lot here. if it's supposed to be more analysis, this is WAY too much plot summary.

that thesis, it does show what you will talk about, but if you want a stronger one, maybe say what that cause of these deaths are..the spying/distrust/war/insecurities/etc...something that you can focus on more on. this will let you narrow down the essay and smooth it down.

if your first line was the question you're trying to answer, then less of these explanations in the intro, and more general discussion to lead into these as a thematic essay...

in the end, it all depends what type of essay you are going for

Undergraduate / "Everybody thinks of changing humanity, and nobody thinks of changing himself" NYU Abu Dhabi essay [2]

hi. i think this question has a catch..you have to approach it by saying that maybe you dont want to change the world, but maybe you want to help it...just something you may add.

about your first paragraph, less about others, and you somewhat set yourself up for a self centered essay. you do say you will be able to better humanity...through changes, so i guess that's a start.

another thing, try taking out things in third person, like one, his, himself, etc. make it more YOU
your grasp of English seems strong enough. i think you can say much more about yourself, but use less words to say what you have already

that last paragraph, however, is great. i like the quote use, though you can talk about it more. i believe you can talk more about this section, about how nyu will change you..then you can use those examples/scenarios you have before.

merry xmas~

Undergraduate / "Like a Pair of Shoes " Is this really a setback [2]

is this really a setback? If you focus more on what you had to face with your twin, maybe...if you talk about the things that couldnt make you keep going forward. <that's what a setback is i think>

about resolution,..what you will do in the future, you do say that you will have to solve those problems, maybe you can say that your setback is that time you couldnt bear having a twin,..that may be a better focused essay on something that you solved and dealt with. that way you can also talk about the outcome's effect, etc. about this setback in the future, you somewhat have a base in that last para about problems

voice tense in the end is somewhat off.

merry xmas~

Undergraduate / stanford supplement: what makes stanford a good fit for you? [6]

what I meant by the arrogance thing was that you don't really show that you want to be part of the community there, that you don't show you will give back, etc. I didnt mean it in a bad way~

Scholarship / "Anything is possible if you wish hard enough"Founder's scholarship to study abroad! [2]


is altered the right word? yes it means change, but altered seems to fit elsewhere.


why why the two hand exposition?


prematurely as in before other people? before you could control it? explain.


what do you mean here?


and here?
this sentence was quite long.


this is still somewhat vague. while you have the commitment to do something, what is this "something"?


another run on. make sure those commas go right after the word, like this. don't leave them hanging. what did you mean by long-term goal? the one you mentioned in the previous paragraph? you keep moving onto new little topics, from your self development to your passion for art to your self worth to wanting to be an expert. then this paragraph keeps moving...onto creativity, business skills, experiences in mass media...

You don't outline strongly what YOUR dreams are, nor do you say what your ambitions for the future are...until the end of the third paragraph. make sure tense is consistent throughout. so you want to immerse yourself in knowledge and in different cultures, say that earlier?


with the assistance*

your point is made further into the essay, so that part is good. you still need to work on phrasing here and there, but word choice is good, though sometimes misused. good luck!