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Posts by deepakbaniya
Joined: Nov 24, 2011
Last Post: Dec 6, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 91  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 94 / page 2 of 3
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deepakbaniya   
Jul 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'houses on another planet' - Should humans attempt to colonize space ? [8]

D. Baniya! thanks....and always need your help!

nguen, you are very welcome! I will try my best to help you, and consequently learn myself while reviewing others.
# To improve the language, write as much as you can and post in EF. Many active reviewer like Ahmad,
Dumi,Thao
...provide meaningful comments.
# Read others writing and comment if possible.
# Write unknown, interesting words, sentences in notebook and try to use them.
# There are numerous website which help to improve speaking, reading and writing.
( I don't think I can provide their links here as per the EF rule, Can I?
Good Luck, Happy Reading! : ]

deepakbaniya   
Jul 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Leisure activities - Spend your free time outdoors or indoors. [2]

. One benefit is that doing outdoor activities such as soccer and baseball isare good for one's health.

Something else that is good is that playing these sports is tohelped to keep my body fit,

with moreother people.

outdoor activities such as going skiing,

activities like going hiking, sunbathing, going biking,...
Admittedly, indoor activities are fun. There's no doubt that indoor activities like reading a book, watching TV or listening to music can also bring

deepakbaniya   
Jul 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Money Vs., Development' - my essay grammer, structure and overall quality [2]

Shall we burn all our money?

( Starting with a question is a wonderful idea to grab attention of the reader. But the word "burn" is giving little bit "odd" feeling, in my view.

always praises those who are in with the latest trend and expensive fashion and alienates those who do not follow this trend. A cursory reading of Christopher McDougall's Born to Run will make us realize and understand why it is effective and advisable to run naturally and barefoot instead of running wearing a runningon shoes with a modern cushioned sole. In this reading we can see how McDougall arguesillustrates that whenhow money and sponsorships from big shoe companies entered into the world of running, and what was the cause and effect of such entry.the whole running world went into a downward spiral.

Your grammer is very good. Your critique is not well enough regarding the McDougall's writing. You need to catch the "Gist" of the write up and concentrate on that to put your opinion. better to avoid such discriptions, for example;

Basically what he meant is that after years of data one can come up with equations and theories about running but that the real answer to becoming a fast runner was in the soul of running. That runners run because they like it and they enjoy it. That they are Natural Born Runners.

deepakbaniya   
Jul 19, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Media can destroy reputation' - GRE ISSUE [3]

I think I Swerved off topic a little.

Nidhi, yes you did. : )

Claim: It is no longer possible for a society to regard any living man or woman as a hero.
Reason: The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished.

The essay prompt claim and reason is asking how media scrutiny can harm any hero's image.
It is good to provide examples of a "hero" who was once considered genuine, selfless but later on
proved to be hypocrite after a report on media.

deepakbaniya   
Jul 18, 2012
Undergraduate / A Bloomfield College Admissions Self Recommendation [5]

"Life has no smooth roads for any of us; and in the bracing atmosphere of a high aim the very roughness stimulates the climber to steadier steps, till the legend, over steep ways to the stars, fulfill itself." W.C. Doane

( its better to connect this with your sentences.)
deepakbaniya   
Jul 16, 2012
Writing Feedback / Claim and Reason. How much do you agree or disagree? -- Essay Evaluation [2]

Rachit,
It is always helpful to include some example to make the context more clear.

For example;
you can include the current example of JP Morgan hedge fund loss incident which
is in fact double as compared to what was told before which is enclosed in their quarterly profit report last week.

deepakbaniya   
Jul 15, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'universal pills' - If you could create one invention ,what would it be? [8]

Nowadays, many foodstuffs are low in nutrition but with many artificial additives, which could be poisonous to the body (This looks irrelevent to the topic) . .

I suggest to continue writing about the "new invention," why it is necessary, how it contributes to society, and if possible how it can be invented.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 12, 2012
Dissertations / need thesis topic for Mphil computer science.. efffective ideas.. [8]

Harvinder,
This is very vague for anybody to suggest any advice as you have not cleared out your interest, your strength, your past courses etc.
I am not expert in your field but if you provide some more information about your subject, interest areas, future plan, strength and weakness.. somebody might suggest an idea.

Good Luck!
deepakbaniya   
Jul 12, 2012
Book Reports / My topic for a persuasive essay on the novel 1984 (help with topic and thesis) [2]

Erin, your subject seems interesting and challanging despite it is vague.
What does the "Big Brother" refer to? Is it the government of a country.
If it is, some country might change facts, harvest propaganda but we can not
generalize all the country in the world. If you are able to support with facts and
figures, then it is different story.

Citizens of most of the country have the constituational right to question their authority. If you link the
government propoganada , media censoring,and the peoples' valid question to the authority and their
results or finding related subject would be a good research, in my view.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / today most of the young children use mobile phone ,what is your opinion? [4]

On the other hand ,some expert believe that pupilchildren ( essay is asking about children not students - make it relevant ) need more concentration and focus on their school and lesson ,and think that when student are in school not necessary to have mobile phone ,because same new technology device such as mobile do distract pupil to read your assessment. they like to send new SMS and soJme new Lmusic and photo to each other and this type of activity take a lot of time.

rather than getting distracted by phone. Children might get engaged in texting each other or playing games in the phone.

You must be good essay writer in your native language. You wrote in perfect format-,
Introduction, supporting paragraphs and conclusion. But, you need to improve your sentences and vocabulary.

How?
- read as many written essay as you can.
- write yourself too and post it on EF.


I have not reviewed your conclusion paragraph. If possible write whole essay again and post here.
Good Luck!
deepakbaniya   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experience in health care prior to a PA' - motivation towards becoming a PA [11]

Did you take a look at the rest of my essay is it okay?

Rudy,
Apparantly,Your content is good. My suggestion is "Spice it up."
Usually its boring and dull to read others story, unless you make it interesting, flowing and capable of binding readers till the end.

Your story is wonderful and miracle. You can make it better. Think how to make it interesting, Read...edit, reread ... edit and reread.. edit ... read as a storyteller and

reader . Then edit it , you can make it even better.
.


I read your whole essay. If possible edit one more time and I will review if it is needed.

With best,
deepakbaniya   
Jul 8, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experience in health care prior to a PA' - motivation towards becoming a PA [11]

Imagine being given this wonderful news that you could be delivering this beautiful baby girl in the next 32 -42 weeks and in just 26 weeks you end up delivering a premature baby girl and told that she would not be able to breath properly or eat by herself without a tube inserted into her mouth or nose. This beautiful baby girl happens to be me , born may 17 1991 at St. Thomas hospital weighing one pound two ounces. I have a lot of appreciation for all healthcare providers including the once that took care of me when I was born. Without them, I would not be alive today. I've always had a motivation of being some type of healthcare provider that would be able to provide for children in particular.

Is there another way I could say what I'm trying to say?

Here is an idea of saying your stroy;

Weighing one pound two ounces born at twenty-six week gestation in May 17 of 1991, instantly tangled in medical tubes and wires under ultraviolet light inside the incubator, I was perilously premature. I would not be alive in order to thrive for my brightest future today, if doctors and healthcare providers' hard work had not had turn into miracle. Since I realized this, I have determined that I would find a career in healthcare field particularly related to infants and children.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

1. This aberration is still relevant and practicable today.
2. In my opinion ( I agree), This aberration is still relevant and practicable today.
You mean second sentence is right here.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

Doesn't the first paragraph say I am Agreeing? what do you think?

(This aberration is still relevant and practicable today, ... In other words, peoples supporting good ideas of authorities and rejecting or helping to amend unfruitful agendas are conducive to ideal society.

I do not think I have to write the word "I agree..." to agree with the statement.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Research Papers / Looking for research titles in line with the field of teaching [6]

Hi deepakbaniya! If you wouldn't mind, can you give me idea regarding this matter?

I suppose you should concentrate in your topic instead of trying to find new one. This is a strong topic. Can you post what you submitted to your professor then we can share some ideas based on that.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / Questioning Authority: Agree or Disagree (GRE Issue Essay) [11]

The well-being of a society is enhanced when many of its people question authority. Write a response, in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your positions.

"Question Authority," the ubiquitous bumper sticker in late seventies suggested to question every existing authority which could be parents, employers or as big as the government. This aberration is still relevant and practicable today, despite the wide agreement that authority; refers to the government institutions in this essay; have an obvious intent of fostering society's well-being, residents' continued watchdog mentality contributes to enhance conditions of their social surroundings. In other words, peoples supporting good ideas of authorities and rejecting or helping to amend unfruitful agendas are conducive to ideal society.

First, government authorities are bigger in scale and often complex in composition compared to individual or community. Besides their own intricacy, they have to focus for larger areas. This might prohibit the institutions from focusing on small problems of any particular area, which could be "huge" for the residents but nominal for authority compared to big problems in other areas. They might divert the resources into considerably higher important area. Such indifference on small problems might transform it into chronic and incurable.

As it is known, "Prevention is better than cure," people should question authorities before a small ameliorable problem turn into unceasing or needs more money to contain. For example, Japanese government said that, Fukushima nuclear disaster caused by the devastating tsunami was because of Japanese peoples' reluctance in questioning authority.

Second, while authorities are often elected through the majority of votes, the susceptibility of favoring their supporters' neighborhoods or their voting blocks and paying little or no attention to the rival or opponents areas cannot be negated. Such partialities attribute to unequal dissemination of services, physical infrastructure, or natural resources. Local residents' delegation or media coverage helps to avoid such circumstances. We learn some issues only after questioning authority.Informations sometime designated as "classified" by authorities come out after harrying government . This helps to keep government honest and stop unethical practice, if not at least lessens.

Opponents of this idea argue that questioning the authority might jeopardize sensitive issues like religious harmony, foster rebellion and create chaos and unrest. Such sentiments are undeniable but great social changes have always come only after questioning the authority. Whether it is Dr Martin Luther King; Mahatma Gandhi; or Libyan people, their collective questioning conduced to the great social change.

Thus, to conclude, "it is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority," as suggested by Benjamin Franklin but keeping it peaceful, modest and inoffensive because "too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought," as stated by John F Kennedy, must be our utmost attention.

Thanks for reading and appricaite any suggestion !
deepakbaniya   
Jul 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'to improve language little by little' - Children Learn Foreign Language Early [2]

Nowadays, The 21st century ( either Nowadays or 21st century - use only one) made a huge steps in developing technologies and reached many goals that made our life better. Language is the most important tomedium of communicateion.

The first and second sentences are disconnected to each other. What technological developments have to do with language learning , ------ if possible,[establish that link to make both sentences interconnected.

It is not enough to be able to speak One languageis not enough to get through connected with the outside world. I am strongly put upagree with the idea that children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. In the following paragraph I will make a list ofelaborate or state or describe some reasons to show my point of view. .

First of all, If one wants to see outcome soon, one must start soonerat early age . Children like "a new paper" ( you tried to use analogy here. This is very GOOD. ..but it is not clear enough). and it is easy to learn a new language. We should teach them when they were a little child. ( my suggestion is; Children are like "clay to potters," Teaching at early age can mould them into multilingual communicator.
In the modern life, we haveThis skill helps to deal with customers, cultural exchange culture with an other countries, read academic documentation s or even make friends all around the world. all of them is the reasonThat is why wechildren should beto become at least a bilingualism . So, the early children learn a new language is better than the one learns later.
( this sentence is repeated .. delete it or say it differently)

[i]Klien,
You should include some more reasons. You pointed out children's learning capacity is better in first reason. and your second reason also carry almost the same meaning as the first. Think about more "Reasons"... why on early age or why not inj school etc..


Some suggestions;
# children at school learn with specialised materials using structured method . This helps to grasp new language easily without much effort.
# speaking new words is fun among peers. Sharing secrets among close friends in unknown language. Helping learn faster with fun.
# high school or college level students have to concentrate in other more important areas of study. So they do not get enough time to concentrate in learning new language.

....
deepakbaniya   
Jul 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'the depth and the width of the Brim river' - GRE Argumentative [2]

some more flaws;
# the quantity of basket found in the village across the river. Is it only a couple of baskets in particular area or large amount in various areas. If author could establish it was found in different part of the village, his argument would be more authentic.

# writer said "no Palean boats are found," how about other boats. He should have stated no boats remain were found, instead of ascertaining "Palean boats.""


just an idea!

You have good command in reasoning and writing. You will score good!
Keep up the good works!
deepakbaniya   
Jul 4, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing-international organisations should provide poor countries [6]

I agree with Mr. Zafari. It requires to either agree or disagree with the statement. Being indecisive or taking both side is not a good option.

But, sometimes it is not easy to support one side completely and unable to gather enough points for opposite side for an essay. In such dilemma, you can elaborate advantage and disadvantage of each situation in two or three different paragraphs ( after Introduction paragraph) and conclude with your preference ( agree or disagree) weighing disadvantage and advantages . it is good to include a suitable discription or comparision sentence with agreement or disagreement.

Still, taking one side is the best option.

please check my essay briefly if possible and please tell that how much band can i get in ielts if i wrote like that.

madan,
Start your one thread for the review. There is "New Thread" button on top left side of the EF homepage. Click on it, provide suitable subject line, post your essay.
deepakbaniya   
Jul 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Stressful jobs and long working day_problem and solutions [7]

Aprilapril,
I suppose your points for possible solution is not strong enough.
Think about some more solutions for stress at work besides the point you already stated.
I would like to suggest some ways to reduce stress at jobs;

# Providing fitness room / recreation room ( video games , yoga etc.) at break time. Or even working out
Whole department together once a week which not only brings interaction among coworkers but also keeps healthy and
relaxed

# providing individual cubicles for every employee which gives a sense of
Own place to the employees.

# providing longer contract 5 or 10 year etc.

And my suggestion for transition sentence;
# Companies should focus on overcoming such or any other kind of stresses in order
to achieve efficient and steady work performance. Increasing salary, reducing working shift
hours, providing recreation facilities or redesigning work space are some examples which contributes
to reduce stresses. ( now you can elaborate each points further...)

Or
# As stressed workers impede company's performance, it is essential to work towards abating it. Increase in salary,..., ... , are helpful in providing some sort of job satisfaction and assurance among workers.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 30, 2012
Essays / How to start to write an essay? (help and advice needed) [7]

I agree with Dumi.
Nice concise post on how to write essay.

# it's always better to "outline" ideas on bullet points before writing.
Then elaborating them into sentences to paragraph ..,
deepakbaniya   
Jun 29, 2012
Dissertations / need a guide on writing theses proposal on informal sector [4]

Can you elaborate little bit about the subject.
And what do you want to accomplish?

What is your subject area? I am guessing -"economics."
Or it is architecture...?

If you provide little bit detail, it will be easy for Forum user to get into discussion.
deepakbaniya   
Jun 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / THE CHILD IS FATHER OF MAN [4]

It states that a child makes himself known by his actions whether his deeds are pure or impure further it reveals that a person carries all those traits, mentality and attributes whether positive or negative which he was used to express in his childhood.

Isn't this sentence too long. How about putting full stop in between further and impure to divide into two sentences.

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