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Posts by deremifri
Joined: Dec 25, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 135  
From: Germany

Displayed posts: 144 / page 2 of 4
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deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / intellectual engagement essay (for college app) [8]

Here's my suggestion, do not know if it makes sense to you:

You should just talk about that interest and not grades are what defines intellectual.
The fact that you include the smartest part makes the point a little less powerful
(because caring only for grades is bad, but being smart..., I hope I am getting my point across)
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / intellectual engagement essay (for college app) [8]

I would recommend to cut that kids are not intellectually engaged anymore (this is so generallized, it can only be wrong) and add a personal story.

Beginning great, then not so good.

I would very appreciate feedback on my essay.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Internship programs, Why Boston essay, International student body [4]

Here's the thing:
You say you visited the website obsessively, twice a day (will they believe it)
and the list of things you like sounds just as though you copied it from the website.
They want you to be passionate,
if you are passionate about international students,
then you should focus on that.
And do not say it will be easier to adapt, this sounds bad.
Say something how you appreciate diversity.

Check out my essay, thanks.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shadows"- work experience, will review your essays [11]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

As a Jew I am deeply concerned with the difficult relationship between Jews and Muslims and
I have a deep love for acting which lets me understand other people.
This is why I was fascinated to star in the movie project "Shadows" which promoted exchange between Jewish and Muslim teenagers.
The casting process consisted of role-playing and included over 200 applicants.
Because of our success in these a Muslim girl and I were chosen to be in the actual movie where we would meet at night and talk about our culture.

For the movie I came up with funny anecdotes, told deeply personal stories and endured two hour long rehearsals in the cold happily, believing in the importance of dialogue.

Therefore I was happy that the headmaster of the girl's school was so impressed with the result that he would play the film for all students. We had actually made an impact.

The project had also great impact on me. I became good friends with the girl which showed me that true cultural understanding is possible.

Please be as harsh and honest as you can.
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Supplement Essay-How I Developed Interest in Cancer [19]

The conclusion would be stronger if you did not use past tense.
And maybe you could make your own experience with cancer work better for you in this essay.
Cancer needed to stop, and I was going to help it along the way
This seems awkward, help it?
along the way?
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Kit Kats: Common Application Essay [10]

I don't know about the switch in the last sentence from I to this girl.
It seems a little random
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / McDonald's "Work experience"- will review your essays [5]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

"The professor grills burgers at McDonald's", my friend said when I told him about my new job. Admittedly, fast food is not as intellectually challenging as the things I usually concern myself with. However, McDonald's gives me an opportunity to learn from life.

I started at McDonald's with the resolution to find out what some people had to endure their whole life. I experienced the total physical exhaustion after a day filled with monotony, pressure and suspended breaks.

However, I started to really understand when I talked with an old African immigrant who had worked for McDonald's for ten years. "I have to support family", he said wearily. When I looked in his apathetic eyes I intensely felt the hopelessness of a man stuck in a meaningless job for the rest of his life and knew why he did not protest low salary or unfair treatment.

It was a beautiful moment; something I thought of as impossible had happened: True understanding between two totally different people had taken place.

997

Please be harsh
deremifri   
Dec 29, 2011
Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Harvard Supplement question - no word limit?

So, this supplement does not have a word limit.
This freedom intimidates me, sort of.
Does anybody have a suggestion on how to decide how many words to use?
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Writing Feedback / Change is inevitable; 'What motivates people to change' - SAT ESSAY [6]

Here's the thing:
SAT essays are not scored logically.
Do a little research and you will find that the prime and most impotant factor is length.
Although the collegeboard talks a lot about progression of thought and some other categories,
the fact is that the SAT is a standardized test and that the scorers have only very limited time to
look through your essay. That is why they need an objective criterium (the point of standardized tests),
and the only objective criterium is length.
So in the end nobody can tell you which score you will get, sorry.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / MIT: How has your world shaped your dreams? [2]

first sentence: interesting office
second sentence: yet was there often. I think yet indicates some sort of contradiction,
which is not here.
the girl part is not necessary.
Maybe try to add something about what fascinated you about engineering.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement - Physics and Astronomy [6]

Acutally, I think quantum physics is not really related to astronomy or the theory of relativity.
This is the whole point of modern physics, to find a link between those two.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'being a American' - Common APP Achievement Essay [8]

This is probably a unique topic, so there could be some potential.
However, do not, really do not simply say that you wanted to be an American because you watched television.
This makes you look like a mindless tv-zombie-slave.
You have maybe two things to make this essay better:
Reflect on the values and attitude of the people you saw on TV, or what America represented to you
and why you liked them
Then reflect on the cultural assimilation as an accomplishment, try to describe manners and attitudes
you adopted and so on.
The proof of your being American sounds also not convincing.

If you got time, please check out the essay at the bottom of movie.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia Supplement Essays (Why Columbia and Why Biology) [5]

Your first essay is a little stuffed.
You list just too many aspects that are unrelated.
If you like you could link them maybe like this:
Difference in the world (main topic),
easier to do if good education,
aesier to do if good staff
easier to do in a good location

Hope this could help. Would you like to read my revised movie essay (it's short and on the bottom)?
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dear Admissions Staff, I don't give a Shih Tzu' [19]

I've been there when she has existential crises, and I was there to see her float back to reality

You should maybe use one tense here, now you are using three.
By the way, what is going to happen to Prince once you are admitted? (A serious question, that needs to be adressed)
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Movies- "Tell us something you do for pleasure" MIT [19]

Acutally, a major point of my essay is the power of mind and the purity.
Let me explain:
the mind is usually constrained by reality, but making a movie it can do whatever it likes, it is unfiltered by reality. This unfilteredness causes the raw power or purity. purity cleanses me and motivates me in real life. i will try out to make this clearer, but thanks to everybody, a great help.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

One suggestion: If you leave this quote like it is, it sounds as if you are seeking opportunity to praise yourself. So either
find a way to connect it to the rest or omitt it.
two times making it dfficult in a row
The first sentence of the conclusion does not make sense. Not regreting something is no contrast to valuing it, isn't it?
The true meaning of leadership part is really strong.
Other than that good flow, and smooth progression.

If you like, the bottom of my movie page has a very short essay. I d like to hear your opinion.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Kaustubh Desai" - Stanford 2: to your new roomate [8]

One suggestion:
maybe say of myself, not identity. Here's why:
The beginning is so wonderfully unique and direct, that something that appears in every second essay like aspects of my identiy
is a little off.
Before you get to the ipod your essay is perfect, but then you do not use a transition.
maybe browse my ipod
and the facebook part does not fit there. You do not need some witty comparison at this point anymore, you are just trying to be sympathetic.

And thank you very much for reading my essay.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Walking is what matters to me' - Stanford supplement. Need help. [5]

The problem is that your prompt is what matters to you? A good answer is always somehow about life
There is the possibility that your essay will look more as an activity essay about walking.
To be honest walking is probably not the best topic for this prompt, unless you have something very original
and compelling.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / My name is Jason - Common App Essay [9]

Suggestion: Don't overuse maze.
Try maybe to incur some other philosophical conclusion about maybe decision making and see if it improves your essay.
You have an interesting topic and a nice writing.

I think in the course of this evening I have lost all pride, so who cares:

Please, please please give me feedback on my movie essay which is at the bottom of the movie essay site. I am really desperate.
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Walking is what matters to me' - Stanford supplement. Need help. [5]

Your conclusion is ok, but the rest lacks focus.
You just tell something how you often walk, sometimes redundant "Waking with out feet" how else would you walk,
and I don't understand why walking is important to you. Walking can calm everybody down when they are under pressure.
You have to focus maybe more on the metaphorical aspects of walking, taking life slow, enjoying it and so on.

If you got time, please tell me your opinion on the essay on the bottom of the Movie essay page,
deremifri   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Big zhou, my chemistry teacher [11]

To me it sounds like you should focus on Zhou's passionate side of personality and try to say how this instills
passion in you.

By the way, please look at the revised version of the movie essay, not the one of the top, I am getting really desperate.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dear Admissions Staff, I don't give a Shih Tzu' [19]

You mention hugging two times, which is redundant.
Other than that, I cannot add anything new.
You are a good writer.

Look I really would appreciate a sophisticated opinion on my revised movie essay,
so if you have time please help me out a little.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / Lets have a momentary leave from reality- Stanford commonapp [8]

Hopefully, we can have these momentary leaves from reality in our dorm next year, together.

What works great is your social skills, since these are important for a college student.

Mind taking a look at my revised movie essay?
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'academic excellence, location, small student body' - Why Tufts? [5]

I have read this grow as a person and as an academic before, since this is so common. Try to be original.
"I am drawn because of Tufts because it" that can't be right.
Could you talk a little more about yourself?
Apart from that quite nice.

I would like to invite you to review my revised movie essay.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I stand my ground and dig deep' - Common App Essay [3]

Don't try to force it. Do not list the activites, the adcoms see that you are just trying to show off.
Maybe you are a little too discriptive: you should try to figure out what you want to convey, what you can convey logically related to the topic, and then do it concisely

What is the topic of your essay?

Mind taking a look at my movie essay, it's reaaaally short
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'part of Team Tanzania' - What matters to you and why? Stanford APP [6]

I agree with SeniorMel,
and maybe you want to make clear what you performed.

Also you should focus. The part of being selected to go, preparing and then not going is not focused enough.

I would appreciate feedback on my essay.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Essays / Yale supplement moment in history question [9]

I was probably just kidding, although this is really cool I spend 75 dollars on this application, so I don't want to mess it up.

But I am glad that someone does what has to be done.
Do you think you could post your supplement here after the deadline?
I would love to hear that.
deremifri   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The origin of us' - Johns Hopkins Supplemental [10]

You should work on your conclusion. It does not relate to something you have said before and it seems trite and unoriginal.

If you got time, leave feedback on one of my essays.

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