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Posts by katev
Joined: Nov 1, 2012
Last Post: Jan 24, 2013
Threads: 18
Posts: 111  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 129 / page 2 of 4
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katev   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / TRAFFIC JAMS & RULES - UNC Chapel Hill /Solving Problems [3]

society?", "Well", I replied, "we do, but people rarely follow it."

society?" Well," I replied, "there are, but people rarely follow them."

even the law only allow two, and red lights hopelessly stare at drivers running the light all the time

even though the law only allows two, and red lights flash in a vain attempt to stop drivers from running them (something like this, it needs rewording)

"It's consciousness.

not sure that "consciousness" is the right word. Conscious implies being awake. You make it seem as if those in Vietnam are asleep at the wheel

"Are there rules in this country?", "Ouch" I think to myself.

in this country?" "Ouch," I think to myself.

raise conscious in people

this is the right use, but "raise awareness" might sound better

it is not easy to self-realize but there is a solution

it is not easy to "self-realize"? . However, there is a solution

When they have consciousness

again, wrong usage

The answer is: no!

Simply put: no.
katev   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / In Which I Contemplate the Definition of Hipster- Common App Essay [3]

the fecal matter of specially fed cats turns into a gold mine for entrepreneurs in the cat poop tea industry

This and the following statement don't fit with the list that starts with "in lieu of this"
Also, I have no idea what you mean and the cat poop thing is sort of a put off

essence of the word an oxymoron

paradox? oxymoron is like "jumbo shrimp" or "freezer burn"

Also, I wouldn't end by saying a "Here's the lesson:" sort of thing
katev   
Jan 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / My grandma has made a lot for our family - essay [2]

What is the prompt? This is sweet and all, but I know nothing about you. I don't think you even mentioned yourself once other than how much you love your grandmother.

If this is an influential person essay, you need to say how she influenced you.

She usually has taught her grandchildren how to be a good person and have a good manner

She has taught her grandchildren good manners and things it takes to be a good person (You can mention yourself here)

made my grandma fell in love again

grandma fall in love again

So, she has lived with her daughters - my aunt

she has lived with her daughters, my aunts

I really admire my grandma about what she had made for family and I

I truly admire my grandma for all that she has made for my family

And I also love her. whenever you meet her

I love her. Whenever you meet her...
katev   
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'consumer's subconscious' - Psychology and Business; Cornell Supplement [2]

College of Arts and Sciences:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study. (500 words max)


My friends never fail to tell me that I read too much into things. I never fail to tell them that they are only taking things at face value. Where they see a catchy commercial, I see a genius attempt to persuade the a consumer's subconscious. After taking a step back and analyzing this habit of mine, I realized that all of my previous life experiences could culminate with two fields: psychology and business.

When I first decided to pursue/give in to my naturally curious tendencies, I was unable, as my high school no longer offered a psychology course. However, when I had the opportunity my senior year, I joined the Online School for Girls, which offered an AP Psychology course. I was thrown into a completely online world focusing on a completely new subject.

As I grew acclimated to this new and challenging class style, I also grew to love Psychology. The vast wealth of knowledge that this online course has offered me leads me to want to push myself even further. The way psych... I would love to expand my understanding of psychology through Cornell University's Psychology major.

Cornell's extensive academic opportunities would allow me to pursue not only my interest in psychology, but also my interest in business. The option to pursue majors and minors in more than one field has always been a factor in my college search, as I am not certain about my academic major. While my love for psychology has flourished with my choice to take an online course, it was my experience interning with a local successful bakery owner that peaked my interest in business.

Coming from a family of businessmen, an interest in business has always been prevalent throughout my life. My mother created her own flower business in California, my grandfather created a successful airplane parts company that my father now runs, and my aunt was the first woman publisher at Time, Life, then People magazine. I attempted to follow in their footsteps from a young age. I held lemonade stands on sunny summer days, and made homemade dog treats and sold them around my neighborhood. However, it was not until my experience with Kat Gordon, owner of Muddy's Bake Shop, that I really became interested in majoring in business. Her unique approach at entrepreneurship led me to see a true connection between psychology and business. When you walk into her bakery, you feel as if you are walking into someone's home. Drawings from the customers hang on the wall, and board games and puzzles cover the coffee tables. Kat Gordon undoubtedly had the zaniest staff and the happiest customers in all of Memphis. As she taught me the ins and outs of her business, it was the little things she did such as not making the icing colors too bright so kids wouldn't completely ruin their clothes with food dye that brought me to see how she saw her customers: her family. Kat Gordon always kept in mind the feelings of her customers. Her compassion as a business owner made me realize just how valuable pursuing both psychology and business would be. Although the two fields do not necessarily go hand in hand, I hope to harmonize these two academic interests of mine throughout four years at Cornell University.

**this is an old essay that I'm re-writing to fit Cornell. There are some unfinished thoughts, but in order to include more about Cornell I have to take out some things first. What can I get rid of or shorten?**
katev   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Short 1000 Characters; Olympic Games: Worth the Cost? Wake Forest Supp [9]

Birdiee; that is the point of this prompt! I think it's ridiculous as well, but I am supposed to provide a rational argument for a stance that I do not support. Like the prompt asked, I stated my belief first then argued for anti-Olympics.

do you underline the title or put it between quote marks? I don't want to risk them thinking that the title is part of the essay...
ALSO. if I choose topic of your choice, do I have to write my own essay question?

I didn't title mine, but you should just center your title and put it on a separate line followed by your essay.
You do not have to write your own question, just talk about whatever you want

Can you actually read my essay now?
katev   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Short 1000 Characters; Olympic Games: Worth the Cost? Wake Forest Supp [9]

Oh, I wasn't sure since you posted on my Wake Forest forum...
You don't put anything on the main common app essay, it does it automatically. Just look at the Print Preview option

elina855; That's the whole point of the question. You state your opinion and then argue for a stance that you don't believe in. I believe in the Olympics and have written a whole paper arguing for their continuation. However, the prompt asks that I "state your true opinion first and then argue the opposite position"
katev   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Central American immigrants and American Dream - Columbia Supp. 2 [7]

I read because of its potential knowledge

the "its" here is pretty ambiguous

lucrative learning

lucrative is sort of an odd word choice in that it often implies monetary gain

If I were to ever be accepted into your extraordinary center of learning.

I agree to not end your strong essay with this weak statement. You don't want to qualify your statement, be confident! They'd rather read "I would do "this" at your University" than "I could do "this" if you were to ever accept me"
katev   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Short 1000 Characters; Olympic Games: Worth the Cost? Wake Forest Supp [9]

Make a rational argument for a position you do not personally support. For clarity, please state your true opinion first and then argue the opposite position. Consider an issue that has affected you personally. 1000 characters

After enrolling in a summer course where I studied the effects of the Olympics, I believe that the Olympic Games are worth the political, environmental, and financial cost.

The Olympic Games not only cost billions of dollars to put on, but they also harm the environment, provide an often abused political platform, and create a competitive sense of nationalism and tension. The grand buildings that must be built to host large quantities of spectators cost billions of dollars for the host country and its citizens. Post-Games, these grand buildings built for hundreds of thousands of people are now inefficient but must be maintained by the host city. The amount of reconstruction and demolition done to prepare for the two-week long event also causes great harm to the environment. Additionally, countries have used the Games as a political platform hundreds of times. Boycotts, gestures made by officials and athletes, and simply not inviting a certain country all create great political tension.

I'm at 1000 characters on the nose. I'd like to have a better conclusion, but I need to compress other things first.
katev   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / EASYGOING/KPOP FAN/ INDEPENDENT; Stanford /Letter to Roommate - Future Friend [4]

Through this letter, I think I've shown you a glimpse of my character and idiosyncrasies. Of course, there is much more to me than the 2000 character limit can convey, but I'm sure you'll find out the rest over our year together. Let's make the most of it!

I wouldn't try to break the fourth wall here. You've sort of lost the illusion of you talking to your roommate by talking about the character limit and saying things like "I know it's not much"

Also, not to be mean, but I could replace "Steven" with any other name and this letter could probably work for someone else. What is something that you could add that would really stand out in the AdCom's eyes? Add some of that wit if you want to! You really have to let your personality shine through!
katev   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Life of Pi; Living colorfully; UVa supplement [2]

I really need some help with this one! I'm not sure where to go or how to spin this so it reveals something good about me! Here's the prompt

We are looking for passionate students to join our diverse community of scholars, researchers, and artists. What work of literature has surprised, unsettled, or challenged you, and in what way? (250 words)

I first came across Life of Pi by Yann Martel the summer before my junior year. Luckily, my English teacher decided to change the syllabus and assign the novel that year. Having already read the book for pleasure, I was excited to gain a new perspective on the book and all that Yann Martel crafted.

I am a surprise ending kind of reader. If there is some sort of unexpected twist at the end, I am almost guaranteed to fall in love. In the case of the Life of Pi, even a self-proclaimed plot twist expert like myself could not have foreseen the ending of this novel. The majority of this novel was spent detailing the trials and tribulations of a boy separated from his family and stuck on a raft in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The ending was spent in an arguably similar, yet starkly different manner. Throughout the first part of the novel, the boy was stuck on the raft with an orangutan, a zebra, a hyena, and, most importantly, a ferocious Bengal tiger. However, after facing doubt from reporters that he could have survived 227 days on a raft with a carnivorous tiger, the second part of the story was about a boy who was stuck on the raft not with animals, but with humans. The reporters, along with the readers, were then faced with the challenge of which story they believed. After analyzing the novel from a purely literary perspective, it was clear to me that Yann Martel is really asking how readers would choose to live their lives. Accept what is believable and live a yeast-less existence, or choose to challenge your beliefs and live a colorful life. This work of literature has led me to challenge how I choose to believe things. Instead of leading a "yeast-less existence," I choose to live colorfully.

It's over the word limit by about 50 words!
katev   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Life of Pi; Columbia Supplement/Meaningful Book: [3]

I'm writing about Life of Pi as well! I feel the same way about the book's meaning to me! However, I think you use words that sound very forced. Your use of synonyms makes it seem as though you had the original word and then searched for the most complicated replacement. You definitely have an elevated style of writing, but your use of phrases like "purveyor of esoteric ontological questions" or "zeitgeist" seem a little out of place still
katev   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Google/ "Hands Out, Eyes Open"; Barnard Supp/ First learn? "majored in unafraid" [6]

Zora Neale Hurston '28, an author whose books I have read many of,

Hurston, an author who wrote some of my favorite books... Not sure how you want to phrase this, but this is awkward and you can't end in a preposition

Being an avid fan of her works, I always

You could maybe give more reasons why it's a good choice for you. Sure, Hurston was great so maybe that means Barnard is great, but why is it perfect for you?

an event held by the Brooklyn Public Central Library to support fellow teenage poets, spoken word artists, and emcees as they present their material

Library that allows fellow teenage poets, spoken word artists, and emcees to share their material

Growing up, it wasn't wrong to say that I had a visceral fear of public speaking. I

It wasn't wrong?

my self confidence was zilch

I don't think something can be zilch
Try to relate this more to the prompt. Say how and why you were suddenly "unafraid." I think conquering your fears is different than being unafraid, so show how you were truly unafraid.
katev   
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / The Alchemist ; NYU /What intrigues you? [13]

I agree that you need to focus more on the Law of Attraction if that's what intrigues you. If you want to talk about the Alchemist because it fits the "piece of literature" requirement in the question, then introduce it, but then say that it's significance is that it led you to the LoA. You can transition better to the second paragraph by briefly explaining the law and then saying that you intended to use it for things in your life.

This allowed me to earn the leadership roles I wanted(what is "this"? is it the law or your positive changes? If you want to say that the LoA got you those roles, maybe allow for some concessions like "this, I believe, was part of the reason I got these..." , such as senior class vice president, Mr. Echo (a community service representative for my school), and many more. I will continue to apply the Law of Attraction to my life and like Santiago, fulfill my destiny, by becoming a successful filmmaker.

katev   
Dec 29, 2012
Graduate / I'm most interested in Digital Signal Processing SOP for MS in Electrical Engineering [2]

I am always curious to cutting-edge technology, and I subscribe several technical journals

I am always curious about cutting-edge technology, and I subscribe to serveral...

which work as a repository of knowledge inspire me to be better qualified for research and also keep me informed about the recent breakthroughs

which provide me with a wealth of inspiration to become better qualified for research...

Hi, I'm not exactly familiar with SOP's, but from what I have read you are very specific in your reasoning. The support that you include is great evidence for why you want to be an engineer. Your essay is very impressive
katev   
Dec 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Fascination with Eye Contact; Yale Supp/ learn more about you [6]

I will edit your essay if you look at mine!
Yale #2 prompt: Please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application (500 words)

For the first five years of my life, school picture day was always a big production. Every year, before I left for school on that fateful day, my mother would put me in my prettiest dress and adorn my hair with bows and barrettes. She would push me out of the car, always leaving me with the words "Look at the camera!" When it came time to wait in line, my teacher would stand near me, dropping hints that my mother had so obviously planted such as "You should see the photographer's face when she takes your picture, it super funny!" However, when I sat down on that stool, all requests to look at the camera went out of my mind. Looking back at my school pictures, I have no idea why I refused to look at the camera. Sure, I looked ridiculously adorable with a shy little smirk on my face and my eyes glued to the ceiling, the wall, the floor, anywhere but directly at the camera, but I still question why for five years I never had one normal school picture. Now, I grew up as a very shy child. I had decided early in my childhood that adults expected to be impressed by what I had to say. Talking to my parents' friends was a daunting task to me, the terribly meek and timid five year old. I suppose that it was this personality trait that repeated failed me when it came to school pictures. *However, having matured a great deal since my averted eye phase, I have come to realize the great importance of eye contact.* (This is just a sentence I came up with, not sure where to place it and/or if I want to keep it)

Growing up with this camera eye contact problem, when the topic of oculesics, the study of eye-related nonverbal communication, came up in my AP Psychology course I was particularly intrigued. How is it that humans are able to communicate without speaking a word?

This is all that I have come up with so far for my Yale 500 word supplement. I know that I can write more about eye contact, I was just wondering if I should bother. Is this a good/interesting topic?



  • Here's just 3 examples, haha!
katev   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Medical school; William and Mary Sup;Unique and colorful? [2]

Stumbling my way into the bathroom I was met

Stumbling my way into the bathroom, I was met

apocalypse movie I let out

apocalypse movie, I let out

shower I proceeded

shower, I proceeded

This had become such a common occurrence that we established a system

This has become such a common occurrence that we have established a system

'Model Monday.

'Model Monday.'

fictitious (somewhat) aspirations

(somewhat) fictitious aspirations

1812 Overture, as excitement.

? with excitement?

By this time it has become such a daily routine that I hardly consider it anomalous anymore

Sort of repetitive. "By this time it had become regular so I don't consider it irregular anymore..."

knowing that the hard work I put in now will benefit me in the future

A little out of place. If you're being honest enough to talk about messy bed head and "much needed showers," I don't think inserting this fits with your essay

passionately consummate in his profession

Can't help but find this awkward. Even if it has two meanings, "passionately consummate?"...

Whoa. This just took a turn from refreshingly honest and colorful to talking about your academic passions and intentions... You have so many things to work with from this essay that make you "unique and colorful," so don't end with talking about medicine/school, they tried to steer you away from that with "Beyond your impressive academic credentials..."
katev   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Commitment and care; Lehigh/ Unique aspect [2]

Unlike many schools that let students make their own decisions

Are you saying you don't want to make your own decisions... not exactly a good aspect in the minds of the AdCom, i'm sure

What is the question??

Many schools provide this opportunity, it's called Career Services. I think you should find a different answer to the question. Although I don't know what the question is, I know that I can replace "Lehigh" with any other school and "College of Business and Economics" with any other college and "business major" with any other major
katev   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Scale and size / NYU Supp/ What Intrigues you? [3]

Having personally visited it's headquarters in Mountain View myself, the workplace is something to behold.

Having visited its headquarters in Mountain View, I know that the workplace is truly something to behold.

technicality, scale and size

technicality, scale, and size are what truly intrigue me

It feels otherworldly when one thinks about it

Odd phrasing. It's a little impersonal

to a lot

in a lot

It is one of these really smart people that I wish to become

I wish to become one of these really smart people (you make it sound like you wish to become smart, not an employee of Google...)

but because it is the humane thing to say

That's why it's the right thing to say, you go back on your argument here

This is why Google intrigues me, it is all and more that I wish to be a part of.

Don't end your essay like this, in my opinion. Say why it intrigues you without saying "THIS is why Google intrigues me"
katev   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Choosing intellectual engagement; Bowdoin supplement [7]

I get a little jumbled in the middle, but I can't seem to find what's so odd about it. I'll throughly edit yours if you glance at mine!

Having completed a semester of my AP Psychology course, I have still never met my teacher in person. I have never seen my classmates. I have never held my textbook in my hands.

However, despite all of these seemingly non-engaging aspects, I have become more involved in my own education than ever before.
I was weary, at first, of the thought enrolling in an online class. I would be attending a new "school" alongside my real school. I would have classes with people from all over the nation. I could only talk to my teacher through Skype or email. However, from the moment I decided to push myself by signing up for this online course, I have experienced an unprecedented style of learning that led me to change my idea of intellectual engagement. I was immersed in a world of true fascination. The students who surrounded me chose to be there. The difference between this online course and a "real" course was almost tangible. The difference was not in the obviously different online world in which we learned. Rather, the difference was found in the interest and passion that fueled this class. At Bowdoin, not only are there a variety of opportunities to learn, but there is also a strong desire amongst the students to take up these opportunities. From the alumni I have visited with, it is clear to me that Bowdoin students have a passion not only for their school but also what they learned during their years at Bowdoin. This level of intellectual engagement is unparalleled by most colleges. I find myself, yet again, seeking the opportunity to learn beyond what is imaginable and hope to achieve this at Bowdoin.

I changed a few things, but I'm still at 283 words out of 250 words.
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / "Fatty-Tatty" Common App Essay [3]

It loses the

You lose the

Everyone, however, knows that you are not one of them

This doesn't really logically follow the train of thought that you were giving before. In other words, the "however" doesn't really give what the reader expects after your previous statements.

quit, times

not the right punctuation I think

The large krnkevinc had shrunk...

But his confidence had grown.

Maybe say "The large Kevin Chung had shrunk, and (or 'but,' if you really want to) his confidence had grown.
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / My love for HG; "What excites you about architecture?" Supp [2]

mutual wish

had our wish granted

ten-dollar

ten dollar

can see past my once shallow idea of architecture

can look back on my once shallow idea of architecture
What was your once shallow idea? Was it that HGTV represented architecture?

no aesthetic bounds but still must obey physical limits

Maybe say, is only bound by physical limits. Not sure, just sounds odd

The benefit of becoming an architect

The aspect of architecture
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / What part of us speaks to one genre, one beat, one sound? ; NYU supp- What intrigues? [4]

"Nothing" I responded

Nothing," I responded.

shredding to their fingers' tips

shredding away at their guitars

deviant from a sixteen year old, high schooler's life.

different than a sixteen year old high schooler's life

Lincoln; and while such contributions have proved instrumental to our capabilities as humans now, we forget the importance of... nothing

Lincoln. While such contributions... we forget the importance of 'nothing.'

I might have just answered my own question.

I missed the answer...

Are you saying that the idea of 'nothing' intrigues you?
Not sure how your in depth description of your experience with Motley Crue contributes to your essay. I understand that was a break from school and a chance to feel "nothing," but I'm not convinced that they're correlated.
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Biggest student volunteer groups; Emory Supplement_Why Emory? [2]

discrimination and loneliness, and I see the world in a different way than many other people

you make these sound connected, but they are not necessarily directly related

Emory's spirit of giving and the way this school's education is based on service to other

spirit of giving and the basis of education being service
(this is an odd phrasing)

These are all good reasons!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Computer Handbook ; Duke University Supp/ Why engineering? [2]

At the time I didn't understand the more difficult terms

At the time, I didn't...

I will make a living

Maybe don't mention monetary reasons. You certainly can, it just seems like it deducts from your passion, in my opinion

Besides the fact that Duke has a strong engineering program, I want to study engineering

These two are unrelated. The reader would expect something about Duke following that beginning

The opportunities at Duke seem endless, but I am eager to explore my internship opportunities

This is not a "but" situation. The opportunities at Duke are endless, and I am excited to explore my opportunities. I get that you are implying that internships provide something that Duke doesn't, but that's not true.

but my goal is to work with IBM.

You don't need to mention Google if you want to work with IBM. Just say that Duke works with IBM, as I'm sure that's true too

I understand that Duke has many career opportunities, but the way you write it makes it sound like you're applying to gain the connections. You don't mention enough how Duke will help you foster your talents. It sounds very much like "I have all these great ideas in my head, and Duke will help me get connected with IBM to share these ideas." You don't want to come off this way if you want to get in
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / "I am an Albanian" ; Stanford: Writing a note to future roommate! [8]

; beginning with skiing, listening to music, playing soccer, watching movies, fishing, travelling and ending with reading, drawing, swimming and hiking.

Can't use a semicolon here. Also the whole "beginning with... ending with..." doesn't really fit, since you include a lot of things

Together with my father we would

I would work with my father to...

This significantly shaped my school life as I became more and more interested in mathematic

This led me to become more interested in mathematics...

perform an imaginary move

not an imaginary move, rephrase

become FRIENDS

this is a little much. It's great you want to be friends with your roommate, but it's a little youtube.com/watch?v=vfthzU3V4zo in my opinion, haha

Btw I

NEVER use text lingo! By the way,
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Loving supportive relationships with parents; Brown Supp (Something You Created) [4]

Your grammar and wording is good, but I'm not quite sure that you reveal enough about yourself. The point of these is to show a part of your personality. Many children go through the phase of not wanting to be involved with their parents to becoming close once they have to leave for college, you need to show how you've become a better person because of this relationship you've created. Also, you need to state more clearly what you have created. Don't say flat out "I created a relationship with my parents," but it needs to be a little more obvious than it is now.
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / "Birthday"/ Joy it brought to my childhood; What is your favorite word and why? [5]

This is a good word to choose. You can make a lot of things of it. You just have to spin it into a character trait. Maybe, you like to think to the future (expecting birthdays) and it always gives you something to look forward to. You have become a more motivated and positive person because of your love for birthdays... I'm not sure if this is true, but you need to spin your story in a similar way!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Buffy the Vampire Slayer ; Common App- Character in fiction [3]

I'm just going to be upfront and say that I've decided to take a risk with this essay.

Is this a part of your essay?

most important

(important?)

storytelling; I didn't believe

storytelling, but I didn't believe

a quirky showwith a silly name

I didn't realize it at the time .

What I did realize was that other great things, like Buffy, were not perfect

I realized that other great things, like Buffy, were not perfect

I can see myself changing the world in whatever way I choose to

I think this is different than self-doubt. Maybe elaborate/explain how you still have self-doubt, because it sounds like you've overcome a great deal of it

I think you can write about it!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Love-Hate Relationship while playing piano; Common App/ Extracurricular [5]

the piano- I love

the piano. I love

the amalgam of numbers

Now is not the time to show off your extensive lexicon... haha. Just say mixture. That is unless you would normally say amalgam

to me, yet at times

to me. Yet, at times,

hackneyed theme

your other reasons are reasonable, but saying piano is hackneyed makes it seem like you really hate it...

'Participation'.

'Participation.' I don't think these two need quotes and capitilization

I boomerang back and finger each black and white key again, in preparation for now and next time

Odd phrasing. I always come back to play the black and white keys again

I owe to my piano the importance of perseverance and dedication

I owe my appreciation of perseverance and dedication to the piano

Not sure if you should give not winning a reason for hating piano. I know you are saying much more than this, but in essence it can seem sort of immature to say something along the lines of "if I can't be the best, then I don't like it as much." Colleges want to see that you push yourself, but more so motivated by desire and passion, not "oh phooey."
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Research opportunities and the campus nature; UW- Madison/ Why UW-Madison? [3]

a small girl

a young girl

zoos; I loved

zoos. I loved

their easygoing way of life of simply following their instinct and curiosity

You should rephrase this, it's a mouthfull

if biology refers to physics

when biology combines with physics

offered a precious

offered the precious

prodigious faculty

prodigious? maybe choose a different word

I am eager to learn from them not only technical lab skills

I am eager to learn no only technical skills.... from such (great?) professors.

I will take a good and important step

Choose a better adjective other than "good"

Maybe rearrange your last couple of sentences so that once you end with Madison.
You bring up a good point when you say

As I pursue biophysics as a researcher, I have one thing that I always want to have in mind: my love for the nature.

but at that point in your essay, it seems out of place. You gave all your reasons why Madison would advance career and you end it nicely... then you start up again. It is a little unnatural to read
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Potential Differences; LMU Supp/ Reality and recreating [3]

There are exceptions, there always is,

there always are

but such discussion rarely ever materializes because people view social media and instant communication as a means for social behavior, not as a way to think critically and perform introspection.

I would have to disagree. This is pretty broad generalization and essentially not true

serious, personal reflection

serious personal reflection

stated; this is a

Don't think you can use semicolon

But that is only one way of using the technology; one form, one possibility

Good and valid point

is to deny its benefits alongside its flaw; its potential is lost when it is considered a problem, when it does not have to be.

is to deny all of its possible uses (or something else, but you need to rephrase the first part). Also, don't use a semicolon

And the annihilation of that barrier has facilitated, more than anything, the free flow of ideas

How we, as individuals, choose to use them

It depends on how we, as individuals, choose to use them (pretty sure that is the situation in which you could use a semicolon, or you could keep your separate sentence)
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / I had officially commissioned a merchandise graphic ; Common App [2]

became a top played in my music library

became (one of?) the most played in my music library

The combination of the unique pairing of a violin and their pop-punk sound, along with their positive, relatable lyrics captivated my ears

The combination of their pop-punk style with their unique use of violin, as well as their positive and relatable lyrics,(not sure if this needs a comma) captivated my ears

And that warm summer evening of June 2012, on the beach of Ventura, California has become one of my proudest memories.

That warm June evening on the beach of Ventura, California has become one of my proudest(fondest)(edit: after reading your essay, I see why its your proudest, but it still seems like an odd adjective to use at the beginning) memories.

(create a better transition by adding something like "it was the way that I got there that added to the greatness," or something like that (in your own word style))

raison d'ĂŞtre

Had to google this (and I take French ahah)... If you think it's common enough that the adcom will appreciate it, go for it.

d'ĂŞtre, graphic design

maybe ĂŞtre: graphic design.

through my dedication and hard work, I keep on keeping on

Odd sentence...

That one shirt everyone has, that's been worn a thousand times, no matter how many holes or washes it's had.

This is kind of mixed up and confusing

This is so cool!! Very unique! Couldn't help but look your designs up, they're very good!
Maybe mention that you have a graphic design business, it makes it more understandable that Yellowcard management would email you, not just like they emailed a random fan to draw up something they thought was good! You're a pro, flaunt it!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An Unexpected Journey and Winning the Green Card' Common Application [33]

I don't think it's too formal, but I understand how it feels to have your writing picked apart. I, personally, don't think the tone sounds too different, but, then again, I didn't write it.

I didn't see any problem with you using "emotional wreck," that's a little more personal.
If you don't like the final tone, though, by all means change it! Colleges want to hear your personality through your essays, and if this doesn't feel like you, then definitely change that (without compromising grammar, brevity, and meaning, of course.)

I'm applying to College of Wooster, Vanderbilt, Kenyon, Colgate, U of Richmond, Wake Forest, UVA, Bowdoin, Duke, Denison, and Washington University in St. Louis!

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