Writing Feedback / why people work? mainly for pride, honor, fame, respect, enjoyment [2]

Hello,
please see my edits below.

Work isan important part of everyone's life.

They feel pride in serving their nation.
Besides that, work is the only tool that that can make someone famous. No it is not. Kim Kardashian is famous because of her dad. Not because of work. Do not use absolutes in an essay. There is almost always an exception.

Every work is equal but still some professions are highly respected like doctors, engineers etc. Thus, social stigmas in the society plays role when people choose their field. Are you talking about fame or social status? they are both good points, but different. If you want to keep both, expand a little on this point and the last point

I hope these edits helped. Be careful with fame and social status. They are two different things.
Also, watch out for grammar. Just take your time and be careful about it.
Overall, this was a very interesting read. You did well organising your thoughts.

Graduate / Professional opportunity, professional goal(s) and how it envisioned - SOP for submitting MAIDP [2]

Overall, it is very good. There are just a few sentences were you focus a lot on the demand, which is important to mention that you are aware of that, but you only need to state that once. Here are some suggestions for this issue.

Unfortunately, the professionals' availability are insufficient

Looking through the immediate demand of professionalat the opportunities forof disaster psychological professionals,

This was just a quick read through again, but be careful with that kind of language.

Another thing, if you are from Indonesia, say so. Make it personal for you. You don't have to change much in that paragraph, just note that being from that country, you have a strong sense of duty to help your people. Or something like that.

Overall you are doing great, especially for an ESL student. Keep it up!

Writing Feedback / I wish... I knew Goa Gala-Gala. My narrative essay about a secret place. [5]

The last paragraph is very confusing. Maybe break it into more paragraphs and add more explanations to help it.
Other than that, it is very interesting. I can see you worked really hard on this (and your other writtings - I've edited a few)

Keep up the good work!!
Hope this helped

Essays / Help me to find samples of essay for financial aid application [6]

I don't know where to find samples, but if you follow a basic format and then post it on here for help that should be fine. Give us the prompt and word count too please.

Intro:
Intro sentence
quick summary about self
thesis (why you are a good fit and three main points)

Para 1
First main point
specific examples
conclusion sentence (transition to the next point)

Para 2
Second main point
examples
conslusion and transition

Para 3
3rd main point
examples
conclusion

Conclusion
re-state your main points. bring them all together, making it clear why you are a good candidate for the aid.

If you have a short word count requirement, only use 2 main points. three is just the basic idea.
Hope this helped. Please post your essay when you write it!

Writing Feedback / Chalk and Cheese. Not all siblings have the same personality, some are as different as polars. [4]

This was well thought out, but be careful with wordiness and word order. You frequently have awkward sentences.
Also, be careful with run-on sentences.
Hope this helped

Undergraduate / One name became the center of my world - Haruki Murakami; Hamilton Sup [2]

Your conclusion has very little to do with the rest of the essay. For the conclusion, summarize your main points and emphasize why you would be a good fit for this university.

Also, it is helpful to include the prompt for essays.
Hope this helped

Essays / Write a story based on: "U have let me down for the last time" - he roared [5]

Yes, I think that would be a great idea.

Scholarship / What is an intellectual concept that you find stimulating and what does it tell us about you? [3]

First introduced to the concept in world history class, existentialism fascinates me. I was first introduced to the concept of existentialism in world history class, and I became immediately fascinated.

Existentialism dictates that every person has an individual sense of truth and free will they are able to act upon candidly .

This is a good start to explaining existentialism. But maybe you could add more about the history. When did it start? Who started it? Where did it start? How did is spread?

A good thing to ask is the 5 W's and H questions. Who, what, when, where, why, how? Answer all of these in as much detail as you can and you have a good descriptive essay.

Scholarship / "deserving party" - I am aware that only a limited number of students are granted scholarships [9]

Hello,
sorry about the mistake earlier, but I am glad that my corrections were still of some help to you.
Here is some more feed back:
Your thesis is good. I can follow your points clearly from that. Great job!
You also have a strong conclusion. One correction: Once again, I am grateful foryou are considering my application and ...

Overall, you did a great job. Just a few grammitcal and technical suggestions below.

I have been a consistent performer in my academics

During my tenure as a school leader of ( you do not need to mention the years attended here. That should be in the rest of your application.

colleagues and I have organized a wide range of events like school day,

Essays / Overprotection leeds to Destructive behaviours in children [5]

That is not a problem. I would be happy to edit it for you :)

Scholarship / I saw various doctors in the news coverage of the conflicts in Europe and Middle East [5]

After completing my college applicationeducation? I will be able to apply my gained knowledge to practical purposes use it in and through my years in medical school.

You say, "I am committed to completing my college education" a few times. Change the wording so it is not reduntant.

Last but no least, I am interested in MSMP because it will allow me to go to a place I have never tobeen before, and learn from individuals who I would not been able to learn from were not for this generous opportunity.

This is a very well written essay. Great job! I hope you get into this university.
I have given some suggestions above. Overall you did a great job, but there were just some word choice options that needed fixing.
Also, be careful with using phrases multiple times. Sometimes you are a little redundant.
Hope this helped.

Writing Feedback / "Grades" - immense educational pressure put on the little children in our South Asian societies [4]

This is a very interesting story. I did not see any major grammatical errors, but it is always good to read through a few more times to check.

One thing I would do is explain what those letters are and what she did exactly that is going to let her parents down. Maybe it is obvious to you, but I have no idea what she did.

It is intriguing not to mention what she did in the beginning, so I would mention it towards the end to keep the readers interest. Maybe right before she runs to her mom for comfort.

You could also spice up that last sentence a bit. Maybe talk about how, even though she is strict, her mother is a good and comforting mother as well. Despite that she is afraid of letting her mom down, she can also seek comfort in her.

One thing I would change is the part where you ask "Should an 11-year-old be thinking about..." Either take it out or expand on it.

Scholarship / I do believe in maximizing my potential for success. Major experience and its influence on me. [3]

While I am not an advocate of spreading ones self too thin, I do believe in maximizing my potential for success.

As a result, I have put many things on my plate, thus sacrificing both adequate rest and leisure time so that I may lay the groundwork for my future medical career .thus learning to balance both my personal life and my professional life adequately.

My epiphany arrived I discovered I was passionate about medicine while I was volunteering at a local hospital. I enjoyed being able to make a difference in the hospital's daily routine.

... ultimately encouraging me to pursue a career in the medical field.

It still needs to be cut by about 35 words, but I cut it down as much as I could.
Also, you do not stick with the prompt very well. You can cut everything out except for the part about the hospital. talk more about what happened while you were there instead of talking about how you have sacrificed leisure time (that does not sound good)

Hope this helped

Writing Feedback / Columbia and Yamhill - population in the state of Oregon by Country - IELTS writing [3]

Overall, it is immediately apparent that Washington was the most country in term of population sincehad the highest population from 1940 untilto 2000.

In 1940, Columbia and Yamhill were athad a fairly similar population of 30,000 and 28,000 people . Meanwhile, Washington stood at 75,000 andmade this country to become the top between those three countries., making this county the mosat populated in the state of Oregon.

Be careful with countRy and county. Washington is not a countRy. In this case, it is a county in the state of Oregon. Make sure you specify that because Washington is also a state.

Also, be careful with wordiness. Some of your sentences have too many words or awkward word order.
Other than that it was well written.
Hope this helped.

Undergraduate / Science is a wonderful and amazing subject that helps us to explain the world. My favorite class [6]

My favorite class is science because I like doing the experiment, learning something new after each labs .

All of these questions can be answered by using the knowledge from science.

From learningBy studying science, I can get many experience and knowledge.

OnIn lab, one reaction can create another reaction.

If the people who were doing the experiment are not careful, they might get the wrong reaction and repeating it again.

Science is an interesting subject ,developing my patience and diligence, and gained valuable experience when doing lad and project.It helps develop my patience and diligence and teaches me valuable experiences while in lab and doing projects.

Please be careful with grammar and word choice. There are simple errors in your writing that can be fixed by a careful read through.
Also, stay on topic. The prompt is WHY is this your favorite class. You explain WHAT science is. Not WHY you like it. You talk about why at the very end. You need to say why from the beginning. Use specific examples of why you like science, and then use the words, I like it because.... It facinates me becasue... or something like that

Writing Feedback / The components of a thermos flask to maintain hot liquid (IELTS 1) [4]

Hello, I have done some edits below. I hope this helps. Please be careful with wording. You add some words that are not necessary. Also, if you are only going to use one word (thermos or flask) use thermos. Just because flask is the portable bottle that you carry alcohol in. It is just a connotation issue. Other than that, your description of the thermos was really well written.

However, it has an essential function to keep water still warm.

In general, the thermos flask is arranged ofhas two layers, both in its body and lid.

First, the inner part, consistings of a silvered glass envelope having less an infrared radiation and a poor conductor, is the vacuum flask.

The main element of this, that is the insulated support, is positioned in the bottom between the vacuum flask and outer case.

It has possibilitythe abilityto keep hot liquids on the inside of the bottle still warm within some hours.

Moving to a more detailed analysis from, the picture reveals the thermos bottle is formed from cap and cup, composed of plastic .

By opening the cup, people can consume the water.

Undergraduate / Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park experience - Applying for Japanese Studies and Sociology [4]

The world changed forever when Hiroshima was destroyed by an atomic bomb; my perspective on life was significantly altered when I set foot on Ground Zero. My parents and I visited the Hiroshima Peace Memorial Park in November 2007. I remember being stunned when I saw the park for the first time. As a little girl, it was very hard for me to understand how this beautiful and serene place had once witnessed one of the most horrific moments in history. The A-Bomb Dome was definitely a sight seared into my memory. Unlike any other tourist sites where tourists typically leave after posing for a photograph, I noticed many people standing in silence as they reflected upon the terrors that the now skeletal structure of the former Prefectural Industrial Promotion Hall had encountered . Some were even moved to tears. A strange cocktail of anger, sadness and tranquility bubbled within me and wrestled for dominance as I said a prayer for the victims. After leaving the A-Bomb Dome, we made our way to the Peace Memorial Museum. The museum itself served as a poignant memoir for visitors. Both the details of the bombing and its aftermath as well as the survivors' stories were well-documented. There were numerous disturbing displays clearly reminding us of the atrocities of the catastrophe: shadows of the vaporized victims imprinted on various surfaces due to thermal radiation, watches literally frozen in time at precisely 8.15 a.m. (the time of the explosion) , macabre wax figures with rotting skin and badly charred items . I was transfixed when I saw a blackened lunchbox. The simple contents of Shigeru Orimen's lunchbox not only mirrored the food shortage endured during wartime but also painted a moving portrait of a mother's love. A year later, I chronicled my humbling experience at Ground Zero in an essay for the International Essay Writing Contest for Young People. Even though I did not win any prize, nonetheless the valuable insights I have gained regarding the importance of humanity were priceless. I hope that I shall be able to pursue the Japanese Studies and Sociology courses offered at FASS because I believe that there is interconnectedness between Japanese culture and the relevance of peace to this era which has been unfortunately besmirched with hurtful stereotypes and terrorism . Therefore, without a doubt a well-rounded education at NUS will equip me with the necessary skills to make a positive impact in the world.

Wow, this is amazing. I was an East Asian Studies major, so I found this really interesting. I hate that you have to shorten it! I took out some things that I thought you could do without, but if you need to shorten it more, I would pick what you think is your weakest point and take it out. For me, that would be the part about saying a prayer (I like it a lot though...it is hard to pick)

How much to you need to shorten it by?

I hope this helped!

Essays / FAMU College Entrance Essay about myself and my future contribution to the school community [4]

Strong transitions utilize the first sentence of one paragraph and the last sentence of another to help the paper flow smoothly. They often use the same language (at least one word that is similar or the same) to connect the two main ideas of the paragraphs.

Colleges like to here about something that makes you human. They can see your accomplishments and all that on the rest of your application. For the essay you want to show them something that makes you uniquely you. I was advised to write about a hard time that I overcame, and talk about the main characteristic that helped you through that time. Colleges want to see that you are a person that can over come difficulties as well as perform well in school.

I wouldn't write about race unless you were a direct victim of racial discrimination - it is a very common topic to pick and I think (and many professors that helped me write my essay think as well) that it is overdone. Again, if you were a victim of some sort of hate crime or a teacher treated you poorly or something then by all means, tell your story.

I hope this helped

Writing Feedback / Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace [4]

Your conclusion counters everything you said in the paper. In the essay you said that working at home is not good. but in your conclusion, you said that it depends on the person. You give counter arguments for working at home, and then go against what you said by saying that it is okay to work from home if you have the right personality. (I would also change the argument about the woman working at home. It is an over generalization. I am a woman working from home, but I don't have kids, so that statement doesn't apply)

hope this helped

Undergraduate / I started clicking all the different tabs; My Stanford "Intellectual Vitality" [2]

Hello,
your story is very well written and very interesting. You start off very well, but the end is a little lacking. I would suggest going into more detail about what you did while you dad was gone. How did you find out what to do? what exactly did you learn?

Also, add more about what you are interested in now, other than gas prices. what do you want to do with economics.

I am not sure if this is a college entrance essay, but if it is, you need to work in a thesis and organize your essay through main points. You can use your story to start your essay, but you need to go into more detail about why you should be accepted into their university. You need more than that you became interested in economics. How did this guide you in high school and your younger years? what did you do that was related to economics? etc.

Hope this helped.

Scholarship / My life has always fixated on robotics - one of reason why I chose study in Scotland. [3]

Your first sentence should be two sentences. Also, be careful with capitalization and punctuation. You capitalize a few things in the middle of the sentence and you use a colon instead of a comma in a few places.

Also, your word order is a little off. Be careful with this because it makes reading your essay hard to follow. I have given some examples of corrections below.

would help me in contributingto the development of mankind which is like giving back what I have

grown because of them

In this state am elated to embark toScotland not

only because of Scottish universityies leading in the world rankings, but also the country whichis always showing willingness to support researchers.

Your opening and closing paragraphs are good. I can see you worked hard on those, but the wording in your body needs work still. It is difficult to follow. please use the above examples to help you re word the body.

Hope this helped

Writing Feedback / Opening scenes of God Father 1 & 2 ; NCEA Level 3 English Film Study Essay [3]

This is very well written. You do a great job explaining the scenes to the reader. You could do a little better explaining the relevance though. The whole paragraph is explanation and very little relevance. You should add a few more sentences about how the things you describe demonstrate the movie is about revenge. For example, when you are talking about the mother and the camera angles showing her, I am not sure how it pertains to your main point.

Perhaps if you described the scene first, and then spend 60% of the paragraph explaining relevance.

Here are some grammatical corrections,
You do not need a comma after scenes 1 and 2.
mourners are in the mercy of a greater power- either God or a Don

I hope this helped

Scholarship / Bullying/ threatening/ comrades; GATES Scholarship; Unfairly treated [2]





This is an interesting essay. I have a few suggesations. First, do not use kid. It is slang and inappropriate for a college entrance essay. Second, I would not refer to your classmates as comrades. Comrads are like brothers, people who know each other well, and a lot of you are obviously not close.

Writing Feedback / The carbon cycle in our life - from fossil fuels to photosynthesis [3]

The diagram illustrates the way in which the how carbon is recycled in the daily life. It can be seen that there are three stages in the process, beginning withthe exploration of fossil fuels and decomposition of natural resources, (step two, and step three) .

To begin, the fossil fuels are exploited from the earth's layer which layer? there are many by the factory. This process is produceds air pollutionone of which consists ofis carbon dioxide. Other ways to produce this gas is from the vehicles which are generated the carbon dioxide to the air and how breathing process works repeatedly . Vehicles also produce this gas and contribute to air pollution.

Following this, the amount of the carbon dioxide in the air is becomes one of the materials to do photosynthesisI am not sure what you mean by the rest of this sentence , which leaves keep the gas, and this process is generated energy for plant life. The plants also are got the food offeed animals. Due to the decaying, after the natural resources was done, they experienced the decomposition process. This process can be saved the carbon dioxide in the land. Furthermore, the process of decaying can save carbon dioxide in the land.

Hope this helps

Writing Feedback / Critique practice GRE "Analyze an Argument"(head of household) [2]

Your essay is a little hard to follow. I think if you write a clearer thesis it will be easier to understand. State your opinion and all of your supporting main points. Then follow with your main points in the order you said them in your thesis.

Also, for each main point, use the language they used in the prompt to clarify which part you are answering.
Advice for writing a timed essay: write down all your main ideas first on a separate paper and write your thesis from that. This makes a really rough outline. Once you have that write a paragraph for each sentence. It helps you organize in a timely manner.

Essays / Overprotection leeds to Destructive behaviours in children [5]

Hello,
There are many directions you can go with this topic.
1) leads to low self-esteem
2) these children tend to be less successful because they do not know how to handle challenges in life
3) this behavior is often linked to some emotional issue with the parent. In this case, they will pass on some of their emotional baggage as well as low self-esteem problems, giving their kid more issues

4) these children are often "afraid" of the world
5) they have poor skills working on a team because they do not know how to compromise
6) they have a hard time holding jobs
and many more points about this.
Hope that helped

Undergraduate / Essay : an incident or set of incidents in your life that had the most profound influence on you ! [5]

It wasM y father who had had a stroke and was rendered paralyzed, unable to move or speak .

Scholarship / "deserving party" - I am aware that only a limited number of students are granted scholarships [9]

Start with to "Whom It May Concern" It sounds more professional while sir or madam sounds very fancy and kind of frivolous.

Dear Sir or Madam ,To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to apply for a scholarship for the duration of my studies at ABC. I am aware that only a limited number of students are granted scholarships. However, I am sure you will find me a deserving party.because.... (add three main points here. This will also allow your reader to follow your essay clearly

I have always been a consistent performer in my academics and have always been able to maintained an excellent score of 80 % and above right from my higher secondary to my undergrad degree.

Writing Feedback / Children of helicopter parents are more likely to feel depressed and less satisfied with their lives [3]

Hello,
I know this is only a proposal, but you still need to have a clear thesis and 2-3 main ideas that you will use to back up your thesis. This should be in the first paragraph, or, in this case, a few sentences in. You want the reader to know exactly what you are arguing.

You also need to make the rebuttals clearer. A rebuttal is bringing in an argument FOR helicopter parenting and how it will help the child, and THEN rebutting it to back up your argument.

Also, I would work on organization. You should explain what helicopter parenting is and how it developed in the first paragraph. Then you would have at least one paragraph per main point and per rebuttal. Make sure you have sufficient evidence to back up your points.

IN the case of the rebuttal, have evidence both for and against your argument. Bringing validity to the counter argument and then thoroughly debunking it makes your argument stronger. A lot stronger.

Be careful with word choice:


Lastly, your paragraph about how this started as a way to make up for being absent seems like you are overgeneralizing. I know many stay at home moms (who were raised by stay at home moms) who are helicopter moms. and many dads who are helicopter dads. Do you have evidence to support the claims you make in this paragraph? If not I would revise it to something that you can back up.

Undergraduate / I spent most of my adolescence reviewing literature about flight principles [3]

Hello,
be careful will dangling modifiers. I had added in some corrections below, but please edit for more errors.


This fascination and innate curiosity led me to ....


During a laboratory session on flight management and guidance systems (FMGS) at ENAC I was learninged the principles used by on-board systems to guide the aircraft along its intended path. Prompted byas a result of my eagerness to learn more about the topic,[/quote]

Other than a few grammatical errors, this essay was well written. Good luck
Hope this helped

Undergraduate / "Gay man of color"; It is imperative for me to be a sinner - Stanford essay [7]

What you have written is well written and poetic. However, you need to expand on each of your ideas and stick to the prompt more clearly. The prompt is what matters to you and why. So use that language to clarify. Say directly it matters to me to be a part of the LGBTQ community and to find self-acceptance." or something like that. then incorporate that into your essay throughout.

Then the why. why do you want to go to Stanford to find this? Talk about how the experiences of your friends making fun of you affected you. Did you further reject yourself? How did you come to accept yourself? Or, if you have not yet, what part of the process are you in? If you are still searching, talk about that search.

The part about the government "killing all the fun" - change that. It sounds a little strange in this essay.

Undergraduate / "I am a psychopath" Psychiatry dep. accepting essays from people with disorders on their experiences [2]

Hello,
So I suppose I don't need to tell you your essay is well written. However, I would make one suggestion. The end sounds like you have just kind of given up. Like your just going to allow yourself to be defeated by your psychological condition. I think the university will be looking for people who want to overcome it. Even if you have not found that answer yet, at least show that you are trying, determined, and have no intention of giving into the abyss of loneliness.

The part about self-awareness is great. You know who you are, you accept what is wrong and its limitations, but again, you just give into it. You sound a LITTLE like you are using it as an excuse (and I don't mean this to sound insensitive, I have severe depression and severe PTSD, so I know what it is to fight against a psychological disorder)

But I think it is important to show you are fighting back. Otherwise, why should they pick you over the thousands of people with these disorders who are fighting and overcoming?

Other than that, great job

Scholarship / Losing My Grandmother To Depression - Scholarship Essay [2]

Hello,
I have a few suggestions
1) a lot of children see really bad things, so I would take out the part that says they don't. Unfortunately, that is just not how life is.

2) do not end on a negative note. You are angry with your grandmother and that is fine, but end on a note saying how this taught you to deal with the problems of life and that you see how depression and suicide affect others so strongly.

Lastly, your harshness towards depression shows that you do not understand it and have not researched it. I would not let on that you do not know what it is. It is classified as a disease, and if this is an essay for a college entrance acceptance, the people reading will most likely be somewhat knowledgeable about the disease. Also, negativity like that does not look good in this type of essay.

If you are still emotionally hurt, you may not be ready to write about this. I know I had to change my personal statement because I was trying to write about something I was not ready to write about. Just some food for thought.

Hope this helped.

Graduate / Life's meaning is not defined by its length or the material abundance - Special Education SOP [2]

Hello,
That was a very well written essay.
I would suggest that you state why you want to go to the university earlier. They say that this is very important so I would work it in from the beginning.

I would suggest that after the very first paragraph you add a "Thesis" statement stating why you want to go there. EX: I love working with children and believe that the program at your university will be very will suited to help me achieve this goal" or something like this.

Then add in other sentences in each paragragh to reinforce this. I would add these sentences in at the end of the paragraph so it sticks in their mind.

Other than that it was a great essay. If you stick just a little more to the guidlines and make sure they understand from the beginning why you want to go there I think it will be a great essay.

Hope this helped

Scholarship / The value of education is something I have understood since a very young age. Scholarship statement. [3]

Hello,
The fist suggestion I would make would be to organize the first part. I would keep the parts about how you understand how important education is and how you challenged yourself together. Then I would transition to the money situation.

Also, I think instead of waiting until the end to start talking about why you deserve the award, I would add that within your essay. You can say things like I have always challenged myself to do better, thus making me a perfect candidate for the scholarship.

for the end I would just reword and restate your main points about why you are deserving of the award.
Once you finished that, just edit it for grammar and I think you will have a very strong essay. It seems like you are a very dedicated and eager student and it shows through in your paper. Good luck!

Grammar, Usage / Future perfect continuous tense and its usage! [5]

Hello,
The grammar in this sentence is correct. However, you need background in order for it to make since. For example, She has already been singing for seven years, and you have just started. Therefore, by the time you have been singing for seven years...

It would also be helpful to explain why this is relevant. Is this person trying to compete with the person who has been singing for longer?

I hope this helped

Essays / Write a story based on: "U have let me down for the last time" - he roared [5]

Hello,
This quote seems to be said in anger at someone. You could write about any relationship that is going through a difficult time, EX: a friend who repeatedly lets you down, a parent who was negligent, a sibling who always got into trouble and expected you to help them out.

One direction you could go in terms of meaning is how complicated human relationships are. We are constantly let down by the people around us, yet we continue to try to make our relationships with them work. Also, we let others down. Not out of spite, but just because we are human and make mistakes.

You could start the story off in a fight, and do a flashback type set up where you explain how the characters got into the current situation as you progress. Or you can start from the beginning.

I think you have the potential to write a very good story off of this.
Hope this helped

Research Papers / How to weigh the cost and benefits of reloading your own ammunition [2]

Hello,

I am not sure what the questions was exactly, but from your post it seems as though it wants to know the pros and cons of reloading your ammunition.

First off, I would like to say that your essay was well written. However, you talk about HOW to reload your ammunition and how much it will cost etc. You do not actually make an argument for reloading your own ammunition rather than buying it from the store.

You could make a thesis saying something like "Reloading your own ammunition is more cost effective and shows more responsibility as a gun owner because it teaches you about your firearm, you become a more accurate shooter and it is cheaper.

Then you would make paragraphs arguing why these three points (or any points you think are important) make it a better choice.
It would also be good to present the counter argument. EX: Some people think that it is not a better choice because it is too difficult (or whatever argument people have against your point of view) Be sure to rebut the counter argument. This will make your paper much stronger.

I think a lot of the points you made in this essay will be good for supporting your argument, you just may want to restructure it so it has a clearer argument.

Hope this helped

Writing Feedback / Cultures .. one view of their dynamics; Pilgrims of Eastern origin [2]

Hello,
You bring up interesting points in this essay. However, the organization is a bit confusing.
First, you main points do not seem to be connected. It might be helpful to read this over and find what your thesis is, and put that at the beginning instead of the theoretical questions. And from there create an outline

It seems as though your main points are 1) If North America had been discovered by another culture, it would have been very different
2) The unique situation gave the founders a good chance to make a change in the world.
3) How this benefits the world.
It would be helpful to write simple sentences (after creating an outline) about your supporting facts and create paragraphs off of that.

Also, please watch out for wordiness and word order. A lot of your sentences are hard to follow. EX: "What is sweeping over the world is the discovery which happened in that country" could be shortened to "The discovery that happened in that country is sweeping over the world"

I hope this helped

Undergraduate / Growth of Resilience - UC Personal Statement 2 [4]

Hello,
The organization and grammar in this essay are overall very good.
However, I have some suggestions about the content. First of all, I would not criticize yourself in the essay. Calling yourself "pathetic," for example, sounds like you are seeking sympathy too much.

I would also incorporate your final point throughout your essay. At the end you say you "simply grew up". Elaborate more on what you mean by this. Also, I would not use that phrase. I would say "I learned to smile at criticism even though it hurt me. I knew if I listened, and tried to improve on what the person said I would become a better person/student etc." Add sentences throughout like this one, demonstrating how you learned from each of these experiences as a child.

If you add stuff like this, I think your essay will turn out very good.
I hope this helped.