Undergraduate / "transition to college" - Common Application Essay on Diversity [3]

I could not take it anymore; it was injustice, it was racism. ----- I fixed this run-on sentence with a semi-colon.

Add a sentence to that first paragraph -- right at the end -- and let it be a thesis statement that proclaims the main idea of the whole essay.

...and had an ego even bigger than his. -----> this is an interesting way of expressing it, but a little confusing. Maybe you want to say you were "just as stubborn as him" instead.

Ha ha, what a great story. I think, though, that you should say a little more about the fact that you regret using violence, and that you feel very bad about it (even if you secretly feel proud of it, as I would if I were you). This will make the reader appreciate you even more.

That is when I discovered I had befriended a group of...

Graduate / Law School PS -Not Sure This Sums It Up... [3]


These two sentences do not go together. The thing to do is write a good intro sentence and then follow it up with something that builds on it. I like your opening sentence, but please elaborate on it in the second sentence.

Oh, ha ha, okay, now that I actually read the 3rd sentence, I see that the only thing necessary to fix it is to put it all together as one long sentence:

While I was growing up, my family ran a homeless and battered women's shelter, and every day brought someone new with some issue -- usually legal -- that kept them in a stagnant and unproductive lifestyle.

By doing this, you make it sound like it makes sense. But without putting those 2 sentences together it creates a moment of confusion for the reader at the end of that second sentence, and it is no good to confuse the reader right at the start of the thing...

Every day must be 2 words here in the first para. As one word, it is an adjective.

I knew this is what I wanted to do from a very young age. Now, this sentence ends the first para, and I think it is not good enough. You already said you knew this from a young age. Use the last sentence to help the reader prepare for what is coming, as a way of giving the reader a sense of what is going on so she does not have to follow you from one idea to the next. You can write a sentence that says, "This essay is intended to explain... and also to give some of my ideas for wanting to ...

And that way, the thesis sentence will "support" all these ideas, including the one about your grandfather, which is a perfectly valid and very nice reason for wanting to succeed in law school.

:-)

Undergraduate / Hamilton book review, My thoughts after reading "the stranger next door" [4]

It was not until the time I held the book in my hand that I realized the author of the boo k The Stranger Next Door was Amélie Nothomb -- a celebrated, successful, and very marketable Belgian writer who is still unknown to most Chinese people.

Above, I added a dash and fixed your phrasing of the sentence.

"I" realize surprisingly that only by being ruder can one overpower the rude behavior of others, and only by being more discourteous can one overpower their discourteous manner.----- I wonder if I understood your meaning correctly here.

...ruin Bernardin's plan to commit suicide and force him to be alive; "we" force an entry into Bernardin's house and take away his wife.


I think you should suggest an answer to this question, and after you do, mention the name of the book or the author again as you give one fnal reflection. Extend this last paragraph to be 4 or 5 sentences, and add "something extra" ... an insight for the reader to take away and think about after finishing the essay.

:-) Kind regards!

Undergraduate / best advice - what and why? [7]

I eat around an average of three per day. Being warm makes me happy, so by default, it follows naturally that sunshine and quilts make me happy. ---> nice!

...and I think it would be fantastic to win the lottery someday. ---> I think so, too, but I don't think this is a good way to end the first paragraph. You are ust listing things, and that is not good. End the first paragraph with a main idea, a theme that all the paragraphs support. What is the main theme of the whole essay?

Express that theme in the last sentence of the first para and all throughout the last para.

:-)

Undergraduate / Colby Supplemental Essay - "The ultimate measure of man" [4]

It means you should explain the quote with your experience as an example, or explain your experience using the quote as a way of articulating certain truth about it.


If you make this claim, you had better spend a sentence or two somewhere in the essay demonstrating that you already have some understanding about what cancer is and what we have been doing to try to treat it. If you know a little about it, you can demonstrate that in a sentence; if you can't then making this claim makes the essay a little weaker.

I like your essay, and I like your way of thinking, but the essay should indeed include that quote in the first paragraph. The essay will have to be completely changed in order to be about this quote. Can you choose a different quote?

Undergraduate / Why Lafayette? - "diversity and academics at lafayette" [4]

The academic curriculum is perfect for me; a wide range of courses, a student to faculty ratio of 10:1. ----> don't tell them about the ratio; this is not a contest to see who visited the website... I think it must be annoying when hundreds of essays cite the ratio and make general statements about the strong reputation for XXXXXX, and [. . .] highly competent faculty ...

No, you need to tell them something they don't know, some thing interesting. "I want to attend Lafayette, because it will enable me to learn from professor XXXX XXXXXX, whose recent article about (some engineering thing) changed my perspective on Engineering."

From among the many available schools with excellent Engineering programs, I choose Lafayette for its _________ program and its _____________ club. My intuition tells me that these two experiences represent....

Undergraduate / "WHY" - engineering department, NORTHWESTERN SUPPLEMENT [6]

Hi Jonathan, you can post your next draft any time you want, I look forward to seeing your progress. :-) You don't have to wait for the original draft to be deleted.

Undergraduate / "Childhood Disappoinment": Stanford Supplement Essay on Intellectual Vitality [3]

What do you mean Santa is not real!! Who do you think left all these presents at my apartment!?

...to which these children cling...

Santa Clause has an e at the end, I think.


I don't know if compounded disappointment can lead to optimism...

I don't think the end of this should be about the divorce, because it equates the theme of disappointment with your own disappointment, as if you are still struggling with the idea that Santa is not real. It will be better to read some articles about what psychologists say about finding out Santa is not real, and you can cite the articles as you discuss the nature of this disappointment.

Undergraduate / 'university that has great regard for the students' - Why Yale - Short Answer [10]

Attending small schools in impoverished countries -- (name the countries) -- has limited...

I also think this sentence should be followed by a sentence that gives an example of the circumstances at those schools -- something interesting to illustrate what was not available to you at these schools, or what was wrong with them.

In that last sentence, it will be nice to refer to a specific goal that Yale will help you to achieve -- a goal to achieve during the net few years, while you are a student there.

Undergraduate / "Virola", A time I used my creativity essay! [5]

I think it'll be better with these two words omitted:
Using a 50 square centimeters, board I created a wonderland.

I think it is not necessary to say "board."

If you want to improve it, use good composition:
Write an interesting first sentence to grab the attention. Include about 4 or 5 sentences in the first paragraph. End the first paragraph with a proclamation of your main idea, your thesis statement. Then, let the first sentence of every paragraph be a "topic sentence" that gives the main idea of the paragraph.

Finish with a conclusion paragraph that explains the thesis statement again, using a whole para to reflect on it. Don't just let your last para be one sentence long.

:-)

Undergraduate / Cornell Architecture Supplement Essay : Why Architecture? [2]

As an artist and an admirer of dynamic structures, I cannot remain ...

Having a fascination for various cultures and architectural styles, I would travel the world, sit down with each building, and have a long, sile nt conversation -- be it the Bird's Nest or Notre Dame. Eventually, after gaining sufficient education and experience, I would establish my firm, and use that platform to...

I added some commas above. I like what you said about silent conversations with buildings, but i don't know if other readers would appreciate that idea as much. Maybe it needs another sentence of explanation.

:-)

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplement Seeking the Relationships Between the Outerworld Help [17]

Some of this material would be better if you revised for conciseness. For example:
But to stop now, after opening ? Not after opening that window, that window of possibilities?

Sometimes, if you say the same thing in fewer words, it is more powerful.

I think your interests are already 'focused toward' medicine: But it's the Premedical Society that really will help me focus my interests toward medicine, as broad as they are, by allowing me to start my understanding of medical school at the age of 19 as oppose to 23.

Maybe you can say something specific about the atmosphere you will enjoy in this program that will... not focus your interests, but rather... prime your mind for med school. It will establish for you a mindset focused on medicine.

:-)

Undergraduate / *NYU Supplements- My Summer, Day with Celeb, Limerick, 2050 Movie, Why Pre-Med* [5]


This is a funny style you use, here. I think it could be even better. They don't ACTUALLY care what you did over the summer, so how about putting this sentence at the beginning to intrigue them. Delve into it. :-)

You can have punctuation in the poem if you want... I would use a comma at the end of... er... like this:
bound,
ground.
within,
For against your darkness I shall win.
Triumphantly I shall rise when (as?) the birds sing.

I like your way of thinking and writing.

Undergraduate / nyu haiku about midgets (nyu supplement) [14]


My favorite haiku ever

Undergraduate / May 3rd, 1998 -- Pepperdine Essay [4]

But being born was the first unconscious decision I made; I said I was up to the challenge of living, ready to take anything that life threw at me!

I think that needs an exclamation mark above to show that you are saying something in a cool way, making an interesting thought about having been born. The exclamation mark expresses enthusiasm, and that makes it so that it makes sense to say you "decided to be born." Also, I think the word unconscious is not necessary in this sentence.

I have been raised from an early age in preparation for the days when the blessings bestowed upon me can be returned in a way that improves the world.

Nice job! :-) Great enthusiasm here...

Undergraduate / UVA Supplement-Doodling- 'the artistic girl who doesn't like to doodle' [5]

This is a run-on sentence here:
Half the class is asleep, the other half is mindlessly staring at their paper doodling.
Let's make it:
Half the class is asleep. The other half is mindlessly staring at their papers, doodling.


Oh, you are making a statement AGAINST the concept of multi-tasking, and this is ery interesting! Often, multi-tasking is explained as a good thing, but the Buddhist practice of mindfulness says otherwise. Maybe you want to mention multitasking and mindfulness in this essay.

Please consider making the last paragraph the intro paragraph! It is great.

:-)

Undergraduate / Stanford Essay: Describe Yourself Walks! [2]

On my walks I not only get to see a gorgeous backdrop, and I also catch a glimpse of who I am. ----> the "not only but also" kind of sentence is so common in these essays; let's not start with one. I like it this way, with "and." I hope you do, too!

:-)

Put the name of this song in " " marks. On my walks I not only get to see a gorgeous backdrop but I also catch a glimpse of who I am.

I accidentally bump into a friend. We laugh and realize that we're going to be late. Punctuality is very important to me. I ask him if he wants to race. He accepts, and we...

Undergraduate / if you like in-n-out burger.....READ THIS UPENN ESSAY. [3]

You get the award for best username, ha ha.

If you search this site, you'll see about a gazillion of those page 217 essays, and they might give you good ideas. There is a big controversy over whether they mean p. 217 out of a life story or out of one's story up until now.

...that made it possible to test babies for the likelihood of... ---> got any other ideas for the discovery you will make? This one refers to a controversial subject that might strike a nerve with some readers. No big deal, though! I think it is great.

I also like the way you began this essay; many people start with an ellipsis (...), but the first few words you chose are especially cool.


This part is a little dull and weird, creating the image of stuffing ("deliciously fresh?") burgers into your face. This writing is so good, I know you can come up with a better use for this part!

:-)

Undergraduate / Describe an academic project : DNR orders- Notre Dame essay! [2]

I think you should cut out this sentence. Since childhood, I have been more fascinated by dissecting frogs or chickens than polishing nails with five different colors or doing make up with my friends. It says something similar to what is said by the sentence that follows it, and it unnecessarily adds a theme of make-up and cosmetic stuff that may detract from the meaning of the paragraph.

...everything and anything that is related to human body, because ___________________________________ and extend my knowledge in the field of medical science.
Now add one more sentence to this first para -- a sentence that mentions the DNR work, because you made the DNR work a theme of the essay ... so it should be supported by the thesis statement.

:-)

Undergraduate / NOTRE DAME SUPPLEMENT+GEORGE WASH: being the political "bow" [4]


Some days, we just don't have inspiration. Maybe today is better! Look at it again.

As a Filipino students are basically confined to two...

the beginning is very interesting! I like your second sentence.

...would be a fit just right perfect field for me.

It has become the breeding ground of academic freedom, cultivating its students' awareness of poverty and injustice that plague the world of today.

Undergraduate / 'Responsibility shapes me' - Code honor-(Trintiy College essay) [3]

...set of strict principles that define what honorable conduct for individuals.


BEFORE you write this sentence, introduce paragraph 2 with a sentence that includes the word responsibility again. Start para #2 with a sentence that has "responsibility" in it, and then let this sentence be the second sentence of paragraph 2.

:-)

I'll add some dashes below for this long sentence:
In addition, I got great pleasure from my practice of responsibility; this includes a time when I sacrificed my lunchtime help classmates with their homework, and when I volunteered in the School Chorus Competition as a conductor -- a role I was unfamiliar with but soon managed to master -- when I found that no other classmates knew the conducting skills .

Undergraduate / elaborate on one of your activities (150 words) What are you writing about? [5]


What's this!?


This adds some nice energy to the essay. I was about to ask you, "that's where WHAT all began," but I see that you answered this question immediately after you raised it. This paragraph is cohesive and pleasant to read, so you are off to a good start! Is photography involved with your intended major? It might be nice to connect this to your intended major at the end.

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]

Yep, they certainly do deny a lot of clear headed students. And then again, plenty of times they admit students who are not-so-serious. College is a business, after all.

This point about having a clear plan, though... I think that is indeed an important part of the psychology of admissions.

Undergraduate / Williams Supplement (300 words) ~ look through window at signif enviro. to you [3]

As snowflakes fall outside the fog-stained glass, I look inside the window---> Do you mean you are on the inside, looking out? ...you cannot look inside a window. I think you should reword that slightly.

Okay, there is no reason to do a paragraph break after that first sentence. You should put the first 4 sentences together as one paragraph, including "...nothing without the people." Then, you should add a thesis sentence that refers to the way you can see, in retrospect, that the people contributed to your "determination, competitive spirit, and joy." That way, the essay will begin and end with the same theme.

Scholarship / Engineering and Mathematics, subjects in which you excel or have excelled. [3]

The ability to solve a problem of whatever size by the use of mathematical calculations and scientific equations is __________. (how about a more descriptive adjective? Is it something other than extraordinary? Is it comforting or empowering, for example?

At first, I massacred each object as any seven year-ol d would, but...-----> ha ha, I like your use of massacred here, but it actually is not quite right. A massacre involves many, not each. Know what I mean?

I think the last sentence of the first paragraph should be like an arrow telling the reader the direction the essay is going. It should be like an indicator to tell the nature of the essay. The way you end your first para seems to conclude what you said in it, but the reader is still left wondering if this theme will be kept or not. I think you change the last sentence of the end of that para so that it announces the main idea of the essay, and the idea should be more specific than just


You should use this sentence to announce the theme, the central truth of the essay, which might be something that enables the reader to think of math and engineering in a new way -- your personal philosophy of science.

Undergraduate / Fishbreak's Common App Essay - - Topic of your choice [2]

Today, the double bass never leaves my side, even when I am engaged in volunteer work.----> i think you just have to write volunteer, not volunteering...

Well, this essay really seems like a big success. It does not need to be changed much, because it PROVES something. The way you wrote this essay has a sort of dramatic climax at the end, where you describe the climax of the song, and it creates an excellent effect. It's as if the essay builds up to a culmination at the end, there. If I had a hat on, I would take it off, and my hat would be off to you, ha ha.

So... I think this is a good job. If you want to make it more persuasive, make a connection between this empowering experience (i.e. mastering your music) and your intended career. By doing that, you'll take all the convincing power of this essay and apply it to the assertion that you must be enabled to take the next step in your academic process.

Undergraduate / the Gunn Robotics Team, Another Common App Essay: Significant Experience [2]


Too much quickly in this sentence, but more importantly...

The essay is great!! You did a fine job of presenting this experience and telling what you learned. Now, you can talk a little about your intended career so that the reader sees a connection between this experience and your grand process of laying the foundation for your career.

Undergraduate / What don't you know? The answer? Death. [2]

As unfamiliar as I am with death and what truly causes it (or what change of experience it causes), so too am I to the loss of a parent as a result of such a traumatic death.

So... this essay became a matter of spirituality. You imply that you hope to be strong enough to have faith like your cousins, but the title of your essay suggests that you "don't know." So... what is the real purpose of this essay? What does it really mean?

Sometimes you have to not know first in order to eventually know. Sometimes thinking you know can prevent you from actually knowing, and it is only when someone has the doubt you have that she is able to actually know.

:-)

Let's give this essay a theme, so that it expresses a certain truth while expressing what you do not know.

Sorry for your loss! I hope you hae a flash of intuition that makes death a non-issue.

Undergraduate / "my intellectual and emotional being" - Tufts Supplement [3]

My Cuban background has enlightened in me the force to work for the goals I most desire to reach. Can you write this sentence in a way that is simpler? It is confusing!

Having learned about the extremes my family faced to escape a corrupt society, and to provide me with the opportunity to grow as an intellectually, has...

Right here, can you say something more specific? Give the reader the main theme of what your education is all about, your philosophy of success ----> ...pushed me to pursue an exceptional character as well as to challenge myself academically.

Undergraduate / "Rationality became a straitjacket" - Princeton Quote Prompt [2]

That quote and first paragraph have me feeling intrigued! Good job...

I stepped through the broken fence, slid down...----- before this sentence, the paragraph needs a topic sentence. The topic sentence can establish the theme of the para, and it can also set the scene where you were stepping through the broken part of the fence. Can you segue from the Rational Man to this scene?

Toward the end, it seems like a little too much self-aggrandizement, a little to much celebrating your virtue. I think the end should go back to that quote, and it is also necessary to show that you understand how Talem intended these words with regard to economics.

:-)

Undergraduate / UMich Admission Essay: Interests and aspirations in engineering [2]


Don't start with a boring, general, simplistic sentence! Start with a sentence that raises questions in the reader's mind.

...that at age _______ I could even recite a list of all the proper nouns in some of the articles.

...and succeeded in being admitted into Shanghai Jiao Tong University, one of the best engineering universities in China. -----okay, but please add one more sentence to the end of this first paragraph, a sentence that expresses your plan and passion for engineering -- your personal philosophy of engineering and an idea about your future. Let the last sentence of the first paragraph be a powerful one that lingers in the reader's mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / Contributing to Global Health Affairs society by working as an active member - Upenn supplemental [3]

I think you should do this:
Benjamin Franklin strived to establish the foundation of the University of Pennsylvania. When I first learned about him, I was not sure whether I would be a good candidate to make a great contribution Mr. Franklin had done. However, I realized that I need to take a small step at a time. First, I want to take a part in a community where my interest lies in. I am fascinated by how deeply...

I think it should start with, "I am fascinated.."
I think you should cut out the part about Franklin. Do not start with a sentence that says he strived to establish the school. The reader already knows that.

And the first paragraph should end like this:
Because of these aspirations , I would like to join Global Health Affairs from Penn Nursing of the University of Pennsylvania. (Now add a sentence that expresses the central idea of the whole essay. After giving this thesis sentence, end the first paragraph.)

:-)

Undergraduate / U Chicago supplement: tell us about a few of your favorite books. [3]

This is one of the best, most eloquent and thoughtful reviews of a book I have ever seen! I hope you do not have to cut any of it in order to make room for discussion of a few other books.

Perhaps at the end of the essay, you can name a few other favorite books so as to fulfill the requirement, but use them as reference points for explaining why this book is foremost in your mind.

Undergraduate / Common App Activities Short Answer- "Rhythm" [2]

Check this out! wussu.com/laotzu/laotzu08.html
In action, watch the timing.

One unnecessary comma:
From the rapid-fire pulsation of the heart as I sprint down the soccer field to t he calculated, carefully delivered speeches of Model UN, and even the steady drudge of spackling when rebuilding homes in New Orleans -- ev erything I do has a meter, cadence and tone.

...and I added a dash at the end.

It will be nice if you say something about rhythm instead of just referring to it. Give a sentence that answers the question, "Does rhythm come from within you, or is it something that occurs naturally in nature and to which you are sensitive?"

Writing Feedback / the gap between poor people and rich people - ielts writing [4]

Health problems represent an issue that has been considered by most people nowadays. Some people complain that there an insufficient number of is a few of sports facilities are available in the residential area. They have no place to spend time for doing exercises. Others disagree about this, saying, "The high health level is results of people have a high willing to do exercises." (now add a sentence where you give your opinion)

The number of sports facilities should be increased, especially in the residential areas, offering a convenient opportunity for people; they would prefer to spend time for sweating ???.

Limited space and large amount of population are ____________ in a busy city; the quota for ...

The increase of sports facilities is not enough. The improvement of people's willingness to participate in sports is more important. In my opinion, it is more important to give the public encouragement than to build more facilities for exercise. the benefit of doing exercises .and encourage them to do exercises. Keep practicing! You have many mistakes. However, your English sure is better than my Spanish!!!

Undergraduate / Imagination and creativity - Who Am I? That's what defines me as a person. [2]

That first paragraph describes several steps of a complete process that ends with sharing your art, but shouldn't it also end with a thesis statement? You should include something in that first para besides description of the process.


Ah, all kids do that. It is not so impressive the way you wrote it here...

As I learned how to write, these ideas were translated into words----obviously!! No stating the obvious...

Nylon strings are great!

Right now, this just talks about you. People are always bored when we tak just about ourseles. Talk about a concept: I suggest coming up with a philosophical or pragmatic observation based on your creation of both literary and musical art.

"When seeking wisdom, look for the similarities." -- Mitose.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay for Cornell: Topic of My Choice- "Proud to be Boricua" [2]


This essay gets off to an energetic start, and that is very impressive. How about this part, though? You presume to know what an ordinary Latina is, and then you distinguish yourself from her by using skin and hair color as your criteria. Who cares about skin and hair color? I think you should scratch that part and acknowledge that there is no "ordinary Latina."

Is Boriqua supposed to be capitalized in that first sentence?

What is this essay about? You should choose a theme, a moral of the story. Express that them at the end of the first para and at the beginning of the second para.

Book Reports / "The Struggle Of Women in Afghanistan"; "A thousand Splendid Suns" [4]


This is not strong. In order to be strong, it has to be sharp. A sharp thesis is one that is "narrow," and by that I mean it has to say something more specific. I could say the Star Wars trilogy is a story of good verses evil in a futuristic, distant past, but that would not be very sharp. It is sharper if I make KEEN observations: The Star Wars trilogy expresses ideas that parallel Eastern philosophy's notions of mastery, energy, and spiritual enlightenment. -----> after making this thesis, I can argue about it.

Who would argue with your thesis? Nobody! So make an assertion that is specific enough for someone to argue with it. That makes it meaningful!

You might want to pull out 10 quotations/citations from the book, look at them all together, and then wait for a thesis statement to come to mind.

Undergraduate / Duke Pratt Engineering Essay: Why biomedical engineering at Duke? [2]

Einstein distinguished science from engineering when he explained, "Scientists investigate that which already is; engineers create that which has never been."
This is such an excellent thought, and such an excellent reason to choose engineering, that I almost feel like it should be the first sentence of the essay. Yes, I think maybe it should be. Consider moving that sentence to the start, and then continuing:

From the time I learned the...

And the first paragraph can end like this:
...came down to a pure science or engineering. Reflecting on that quote by Einstein, I decided that I wanted to _________ (state specific intentions for your career and specific contributions you would like to make). <-------let that be your thesis statement, and then end paragraph one.

Paragraph :
I established m foundation as an engineer during experienced this first hand numerous Science Olympiad projects since seventh grade -- namely constructing robots, building balsawood bridges, designing mousetrap cars, and experimenting with rockets.

Undergraduate / My stated career choice is "Undecided" - Brown- What don't you know? [2]

Science teaches us that the universe is expanding. ----> can you say this first part n a more sophisticated way? For example, you can google around and find out when this idea of expansion was first introduced and scrutinized. Don't just say "science teaches us..." because that sounds like a simple understanding of science.

I ponder, I theorize, and I even believe, but I do not know.

Now, the real problem with this essay is that you start right in on the descriptin without giving any real intro. You just start listing things you do not know, and you explain them eloquently, but you really should start by giving a good theme in the first paragraph.

Then, give all these examples as ways of supporting the theme. The theme is about you and your importnt observations about things we don't know, and perhaps the implications of the fact that we cannot know certain things.

:-)