Undergraduate / The 'why us' kind of question, Lehigh Essay # 1 [8]

When trying to envision my...

I don;t think it is very strong to say it is a "comfortable place to pursue your goals." It might be better to say it is better than the other options available you you, and then list a few reasons why it is better. That'll let the reader know exactly what your plan is all about.

I am astounded by the student to faculty ratio of 9:1, which gives a great opportunity for a close relationship with professors and students inside classrooms; personally, I am not as comfortable or focused in large classes. The fact that my courses do to have to be devoted to only one department is reassuring, I would definitely want to continue my studies in economics after high school.

You really do write as well as many native speakers of English. Many people do not learn to write so thoughtfully or eloquently. Your mistakes are only small ones.

Grammar, Usage / a disgusting sentence -wording grammar question [7]

The professors are also practicing physicians, and this authenticity reflects the real-world approach to education that draws me to [name of school].

I think the "ugly" way you had it was actually very good!

Undergraduate / nursing or occupational therapy - Dominican [3]

As he picked my eight year-old self up from...


Ah, it is so impressive that you engaged the situation instead of averting your eyes from the unpleasantness and heartache. I bet you made his world a little better at that time.

You did a great job so far, for sure. Still, you are right: you did not talk about what you will contribute to the profession. A big part of nursing is providing excellent care, definitely, but another part is contributing to the profession itself. Ask yourself what is sometimes missing from the nursing and occupational therapy professions that you might be able to add with your great intentions and enthusiasm.

Undergraduate / essay on my contribution to a diverse community of students--feedback wanted [3]

Well, I like the way this essay looks; you make a strong case for your assertion that you learned important skills because of thew kind of education you received and the role you played as an older sister. If you want to include some mention of culture, it sems the last paragraph is the place for it, as you are talking about what influences your viewpoint.

You expressed what you would like to contribute very nicely, but it could still be better defined. You could tell about a specific plan you have to contribute; for example, if the school does not have a club that you wish it had, maybe you can tell them you plan to start one. That might maximize the impressiveness.

:-)

Undergraduate / yet another common app activity - persistence vs misconceptions [5]

Did you mean to say, "I was faced with the task of making dead-end phone calls to every store and restaurant."

Yes, the essay never feels as authentic if you recycle material from other essays you have written. It's like eating leftovers. In that second essay, I think your comment about feeling like a geek does not really go with the main idea of the essay. I like the first one a lot more.

Graduate / SOP PhD in Molecur Biology/Genetics [10]

Use a comma for compound sentences:
My goal is to become a scientist at a leading research institute, and I am...

Also, "scaffold toward" is not quite right:
...confident that my experience and technical skills provide me with good scaffolding as I make my way towa rds a successful career in research.

And it is best to be gender-inclusive:
...and healthier for common, struggling people.

Kind regards! I wish you good luck in your meaningful aspiration!

Undergraduate / a student-run tutoring club - MIT Challenge Essay [3]

It took a significant amount of time for the tutoring club to gain momentum. ----> the way you had written it was perfectly alright, but I thought I would give you the word significant to consider...

This is such good writing, I wonder if you want to check out the EF Contributor page and continue your tutoring here with us!

With these three solid paragraphs, there is not much room for improvement, but one thing that might be nice would be to add some thoughts at the end about what lesson you learned from this. I see that you do mention that you succeeded because of not having allowed yourself to falter when it was discouraging, but maybe you can do even better than that. What was it that caused them to start taking an interest? Was there something you initially had done wrong? What did this experience teach you about the science of leadership and the psychology of motivation?

Needless to say, this essay is quite impressive because of your great accomplishment.

Undergraduate / Stanford Short Answer #2- Things my Roommate needs to know [8]


Ever play that song called "I will follow you into the dark" on the guitar? It is one of the most awesome songs to play on the guitar...

Okay, the first essay has very eloquent writing, but you did not structure it like an essay. If you were just talking to someone, it would be okay to simply discuss one subject after another like this, but in an essay you should give an intro paragraph about the theme for the whole essay. That means you have to consider all these qualities together and see what they represent collectively. Whatever it is, mention it both at the beginning and at the end. That way, the 3 qualities (expounded in the body paragraphs) will all serve to support the thesis statement.

For the second essay, your idea is clever, but it has ben done lots of times! Even in this forum I have seen this strategy used. The problem is that you are sort of refusing to do what they asked you to do! The reader might be okay with that, or she might not be. I think you probably find lots of subjects to be intellectually engaging... how about music theory?


But you did not name a single aspiration! I think this prompt calls on you to tell a little about your plan for the future, and tell why Stanford is the place you choose. What professors, programs, or resources make Stanford better for you than other places? I think talking about the small class size is not so strong; talk in terms of your clear plan and your interests. Why is Stanford part of your plan? Show that you have a plan.

Sorry to challenge you to change so much!! :-) enjoy it.

Undergraduate / "As a devout Catholic" - Notre Dame optional statement! [3]


It will be better if you name some of those great things!! :-)

As soon as I saw the Gold Dome I knew that in this environment I would feel encouraged to work hard and to the best of my abilities.

Undergraduate / Activity Essay for Common Application (paintings) [8]

Adverbs and adjectives are often what cause floweryness.

Maybe try this:
Meticulously, I brush a glossy layer of gel onto the surface of my...

In this manner I apply art, the glossy gel of my mind, to all that comes into my visual space.

I don't think this is too flowery!

Undergraduate / My Mother's Words--CommonApp Essay [5]

I, the youngest, was four years old when the letter was written. My sister was nine , and my brother eleven .

No, I don't think it would be good to put them all in one paragraph. I like it that you give them their own small paragraphs. That sort of organization is why we need paragraphs, actually.

The difficult challenge, though, is to find a way to express how they influenced you altogether. You say they are a piece of who you are, so in both the first and last paragraph name the qualities of your personality that are rooted in this wisdom from your mom. If you name the parts of your personality that are influenced by these -- in both the first and last paragraph, they will become the theme of the essay. They may be hard to explain, but if you explain them in a similar way at both the start and end of the essay the reader will remember them as the theme, and that will cause the essay to make a greater impression.

:-)

Undergraduate / Notre Dame Supplement Essay on project during high school [2]

This is such a strong, thoughtful essay; it seems to have everything. It catches my attention at the start, and the topic is a good one.

Here is a place, though, where the paragraph does not begin with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph:
The telescope basically just takes pictures of wherever you set its coordinates to, but with these pictures the amount of things one can discover is limitless. For my project I decided to determine the distance ... In this paragraph, it would be good to use a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph. Maybe if you switch the order of these two sentences above, it would be better, because the sentence about your project determining the distance could be a good topic sentence.

Another possible way to make it even more impressive would be to figure out a skill or insight you gained (doing this project) that will also help you in your chosen field of study.

:-)

Undergraduate / Late in explaination ("someone couldn't keep their promise with me") [2]

That was the day on which our class said goodbye each other after three years of high school.

The date coming, I realized that you had already taken Miss Hein to go her home. There remained only me in the empty school yard. I felt the bitter realness of your behavior. My heart was broken as though I had just lost something from it.

These are some other ideas, even though Jonathan did a great job.

:-)

Undergraduate / Boston University Supplyment-the three key words to describe you [5]

He seemed to be melting as sweat streamed down from...

I was born with a feeble constitution and in my first fifteen years I was really accompanied by various medicines, including orally administered medications as well as injections. ----> separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma.

Among all my personal attributes , I do always think these three are most important keys for success; not only for my own success but also for the entire BU community.

Undergraduate / "To be different from the world" - notre dame essay [10]

I abhor when people heedlessly mistake me because I want my personality to define who I am, not my physical appearances.--Well, this probably is the result of people's inability to relate deeply with one another. Also, some people just do not have good visual memories; I can hardly remember what anyone's face looks like. It is great that you are resisting the pressure to conform to a stereotype.m I think this essay7 presents you as a hard working student and also as a real person with strong emotions and sensitivity.

Capitalize Catholic in that second essay. For the second one, I also think it would be good to choose one program that "attracts you," even if you might not be sure that it is what you want to do with your career. Just describe one that attracts you, and let your sense of curiosity about the subject be inspiring to the reader.

:-)

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement Essay on my Drama Team Experience [6]

Oh, I missed part of your question. Yes, I think you should not focus entirely on the content. The important part is how it influenced you, even though technically it is supposed to be about the play. Talking about how the play affected you is still talking about the play.

:-)

Undergraduate / The Discoveries of Technology - Supplement Essay for CMU [4]

No, the title is not good enough. I think you already know that, though, because the title is so boring and general! :-) But I think you can come up with a better title. What is the main truth of this essay? What is the single, meaningful idea that the whole essay represents? By identifying a central idea, you make the essay sharp like a sword.

I saw something unique about this college, which was having more males than females, and I have always wanted to attend a college that was unique to me.---> Of all the ways the school could be unique to you, why would you choose to talk about the male to female ratio? Seems like a bad explanation to give; intellect and enthusiasm are most important among peers, regardless of gender.

I think three paragraphs would be better... maybe you can cut an unnecessary sentence out of that 2nd paragraph and merge the last paragraph with it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Not quite an enigma" -Stanford Prompt [5]

At the beginning, you introduce the idea of an enigma, disqualify yourself from being one, and then change the subject to trivia without giving any explanation of the was you might like to be an enigma or the ways you are not an enigma. So... I recommend working on that.

However, more importantly, this is a great great essay!!

Tis essay needs to be divided into 2 or 3 paragraphs, and you should come up with ONE main theme that you put forth both at the start and at the end. Let the first para introduce the main idea and give examples, and then the second para can be about another dimension of the main idea, and the last para can find a clever way to reinforce the main idea again.

It should be easy to meet that challenge, because you have so many good examples. So... I challenge you to identify the main idea of yourself, ha ha. :-)

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - extracurricular activiry-sustainable [4]

I participated in founding and flourishing the sustainability group this year for...
I like your use of "founding and flourishing." However, it is the organization that flourishes, not you! Still, I think it works.

After that, I have engaged in organizing a compost project in my college through the efforts from building hand-made woody composter and publicizing the compost concept to my surroundin in my area.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay A person you know is planning to [6]

I focus on high school education as a major advantage. The person is able to choose a suitable school for his teenager. His teenagers have an opportunity to learn and exchange knowledge with professionals and use technologies which help facilitate their learning. If a person moves to my city, it cannot be denied that benefits are given to newcomers as do city residents.

Furthermore, after attending this school, his son became more knowledgeable than he used to be.

Use a spell check program:
...end of each semester .

Nice! You make some mistakes, but your meaning is always very clear. Kep practicing!!

Undergraduate / mathematics, Wellesley-Describe your intellectual interests.... [5]

Before 2008, A.D. I was a mathematics 'crack'. I took the subject for granted, as I could easily score an A plus without so much looking at a mathematics book.

Keep the tense consistent:
Into my exams, I just went in assuming that I am great at calculus, so I really did not need much preparation.

You obviously are an impressive student! I hope the physicians who take care of me will always be people with your good attitude and work ethic.

I think you should give a sentence of explanation after this, so that the reader knows what you mean. Give a sentence to explain that the life skills it taught you are the ones you used to rise to the occasion and improve your achievement.

Grammar, Usage / Antisemitism or anti-Semitism? [8]

I read some articles by people who study the history of Judaism, and they write anti-Semitism... so, that is how I write it, because it is appropriate to capitalize "Semite."

Undergraduate / From the stage to my life - Commonapp Essay,do you think it's boring or trite? [6]

Well, the writing is obviously very eloquent, so the reader will know that you are intelligent and articulate. Your writing shows that you are a methodical thinker. However, the essay can make a stronger impression if you make the main idea stand out in the reader's mind. The way to do that is to add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to let the reader know what it is all about. It is very confusing if you end the first paragraph without having named the type of event that was taking place and then begin the 2nd paragraph without telling the reader what this is all about.

So... make it stronger by letting the reader in on what it is all about.

Undergraduate / Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.) [7]

...and engage petty conversation with us -- a group of year-one and year-two, innocent schoolboys and schoolgirls.

9-year ...nine year-old stomach...

I did it purposefully so as to make my way home as less painless as possible.

I turned around and ran like Arnold in The Terminator. ---> you are a brilliant story teller!! Very good detail. I ran, not for the safety of my body, but for the sake of saving two pieces of square, compacted rice. I love it, and I love the ending. I'm your biggest fan.

I hope you keep writing!

Please check out the EF Contributor page!

Undergraduate / 'different cultural background' - Equity and community-Lehigh supplement [5]

No matter how differently you define "Equity" and "Community" in your personal understanding of the terms, it they still will have the same essential for its meaning. ----> I don't think this is a true statement. They do not mean the same thing, but you can say:

...they still will have a close relationship.

I think it will work if you make that change.

Undergraduate / Why Brown: comparison with heaven; I need inspirations [5]

My physical experience with intellectually vibrant communities like Brown is limited, and phrases like "unique student body" or "exploration of different ways of thinking" simply feel a little incomplete ambiguous in the way "the reign of righteousness" does. __> consider putting this sentence at the beginning, before the question about why people want to go to heaven. See if you like the way it reads if you put this sentence first. I think that will help the reader to get what you are saying. Also, make it all one paragraph until "...reason why I am applying."

That is not necessarily a better way to do it; just see if you like it and decide.
:-)

Undergraduate / "vocal lessons at The Westminster Choir Conservatory" - NYU supplement [4]

I spent the remainder of my vacation living life; seizing every precious moment with vigor and zeal.

I laughed until I cried and explored until I bruised. ---> good sentence!!

I conquered fears and braved the unknown. I danced to the melodies of the beaming sun, the gleaming ocean, and the twinkling stars. I danced to the harmony of laughter and tears. Surrounded by fond kinship, I danced to the symphony of life.

This is great. Your writing is powerful...

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplementary Essay: Benjamin and the Community [4]

Each community has the potential to create its own smaller community within it, and in these sub-communities people can benefit one another in a more direct way. that benefits one another.

Especially in medical school, I recognized that, despite the competition among medical students, all of them benefit the community in their medical discoveries.

?Not only outside the university, I am interested in recreational activities and long distance running inside the university.?)---this part should not go in the last paragraph. It should be in the middle. Also, I don't know quite what you mean. You are not interested only in studying at the university, but also in running; is that what you mean?

Undergraduate / my participation in football - Elaborate on one of your extracurricular activies [3]

My four years playing this brutal sport has have left memorable moments that I will continue to think about (active voice) will be continued to be thought about as I move in life. The invaluable lessons I learned, the friendships I created, and the exhilarating moments of close victories are experiences to which no other activity can c ompare. to .

:-)

Undergraduate / An academic experience (project)--Harvard Common Supplement Essay [4]

"Do, or do not. There is no try." -- Yoda

Writing Feedback / Do you agree to "Watching Television is bad for children"? [5]

Today, children prefer to got go overseas for their education , and for this reason it is necessary for the children to communicate in an additional language so that they understand the culture and behavior of people of other countries. There are also many private institutes have been set up in my country,for example, which provide foreign language courses to children and help them in learning foreign languages. But, this is one unfortunate fact is that in many developing countries, there are many schools which do not offer foreign language assistance to children, and they have to go out to private institutes which charge them a huge amount of money .

Moreover, as many overseas Industries and Companies have established their call centers and back offices, many jobs in my countries requires an individual to be fluent at least in one foreign language in order to qualify job criteria. So this might justify support the assertion that learning an foreign language is necessary.

In nutshell, i believe that learning a foreign language is important to gain more potential to reflect demonstrate our capabilities in order to gain a secure future job. A lso, as children are very creative at young age, which I consider this to be the best time for them to learn a new language.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for the Columbia College--the circumstance of my upbringing [5]

Well, I don't know if it is specifically good for Columbia. I don't know how schools differ in that regard. But I know that it will seem more impressive if you make it so that each point you make is part of one theme that you mention at the beginning and then repeat at the end, so that the reader will be left with a strong impression about the essay's main idea. If you advance the main idea at the start and at the end, the reader will have it as an idea to "take away from" the reading of your essay, and that is how to impress a reader.

Undergraduate / 'My first instrument' - Common App Essay, Topic of my Choice, Music [3]

Maybe it is better to write Rhythm & Blues instead of RnB.

Growing up in my home, I was always surrounded by music. This sentence is not really helpful... sort of slows the paragraph down. Sometimes taking out unhelpful sentences is like weeding a garden.

I see that Hakeem gave some good suggestions, too! And how about this awkward sentence:
My first instrument was the recorder, which I started to play at about the age of eight; this was the instrument I played as part of my church ensemble. I gained experience with it for about a year performing at various church events and services, but soon I realized that it was not the instrument for me.

Writing Feedback / The Sentinels [5]

Likewise! I'm socially awkward in real life, though, and more confident in writing. Do you know what I mean about not understanding the meaning of look over? I might be able to understand all of it much better if I knew whether you meant "overlook" or "take a look at."

Undergraduate / Common App. - Person who has influenced me, describe influence [Steven] [4]

Steven must be a being with some impressive wisdom and courage. I hope I can be like that when my time comes. Well, how are you going to end the essay? I think you can use a conclusion paragraph that evaluates your own thinking; you don't have to assert anything necessarily, but instead you can speculate about the ways in which this experience may have affected decisions you have made. Sometimes it is hard to know just how an experience affected us, so we need to analyze out ideas and interests and think about how they reflect the change that happened in you because of the experience.

Undergraduate / "Carnegie Mellon? What? Mellon like a watermelon?"; MAJOR & WHY CMU? [6]

The first paragraph is a play on words, and it is just not as good as it could be if you took a different approach. I hate to be a negative Nancy, but I think it should be rewritten.

Also, there is a lot wrong with this sentence:
First of all, Carnegie Mellon is known for as a technical institute, and that attracts me first and foremost.

Just say: I hope to be accepted to Carnegie Mellon's ________program, because...

And yes, you really should choose a program. You can change your mind later, but be decisive right now. Be the kind of person who has seen how much is wrong with the world and has a clear, urgent plan for taking action.

Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]

Sorry! I didn't mean to neglect you. :-)

My surprise was because I knew that I had not made a good impression on the Principal. did not have a good enough impression on me.

I don't think the word principal is supposed to be capitalized, is it? Is "principal" a proper noun? I think it is not, but I guess maybe sometimes it might be capitalized. I'm not sure.

The Principal thought I had become self-confident and her impression stuck to me that way. ---what do you mean by this? She thought you had become complacent, maybe. Her impression stuck to you... I think you mean that this impression you made on her stayed in her mind, causing her to view you in a negative light.

The Principal thought I had become self-confident over-confident, and I think her bad impression of me made her prejudiced against me. stuck to me that way.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Fictional Character... Dreams Are My Nuts and Bolts!! [15]

On the top most shelf of my bookcase, just between J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye and Jane Austin's Pride and Prejudice, lay the tattered remains of my first novel.

I was twelve years old when I met Santiago, and my biggest dream then was I dreamed of performing drama. (?). My first theatrical performance started with me forgetting my line and ended with me running down the stage two minutes later (what do you mean when you say you went running down the stage?). It is needless to say that dramatics was not exactly my cup of tea. (this sentence is definitely not good. You can express this idea in any other way, but not this way. It is just a badly worded sentence, and the cup of tea cliche is very bad.)

Realistically, I had succumbed to my stage fright and had involuntarily decided to ignore my dream.----> maybe you should write something other than "involuntarily decided", because this sounds contradictory. You have a good way with words, so I'll leave it to you to be creative about an alternative...

:-)

Research Papers / Global Warming "I-search" research paper --- High School Freshman Honors English [4]


This part is not a very strong sentence. I think you could just cut this sentence out of the paragraph, unless you are able to explain it better.

The ending to the first one is excellent.

For part 2, is it supposed to be all questions? If they told you to write it as all questions, that is cool, but if they expect you to write a paragraph about what you want to know I think you should accommodate their expectation.

This is impressive because of your consistent focus on the environment.

Undergraduate / Misconceptions: the best way to fight them is to prevent them from being formed in the first place. [6]


Well, the essay is not really about misconceptions. Your point about misconceptions will be most impressive if you mention it in passing, without making too big a deal about it. It is a good point, but good points have the most impact when we make them casually, with excellent timing. :-)