Undergraduate / " I wanted my own disposable income" - Tutoring & cognitive science (ACTIVITY) [6]

Ha ha, essays don't get much better than this! Well done. I wish I could help more, but I think you nailed it.

That fix Jeanie gave is good, for sure. "Ended up" is a little too clumsy phrasing.

:-)

You have such excellent skill with grammar, I think you could tutor for writing as well as math.

Undergraduate / turned to basketball to help clear my head, Penn State personal statement [3]

Never start with a statement of the obvious. It is better to skip it. Start like this:

Throughout my high school career I have faced many struggles and encountered many hindrances. And t Through all my problems I have always turned to basketball to help clear my head so I could properly analyze my situations.

See, that is a powerful first sentence. If you start with an obvious sentence that applies to everyone, the reader stops paying attention.

Undergraduate / common app feedback - a topic of your choice - i prefer choirs [3]


After this sentence, you should add one more before ending the first paragraph. Part of the experience you are providing for the reader is to let their mind reflect on your meaning in between paragraphs. Add one more sentence, and let it connect this observation of their wrong notes to your main idea of the whole essay... IF that is possible.

Undergraduate / "How music transformed me, my future".. Common application Essay [8]

Hi mmwatchusay, I notice that the feedback you give other people is not helpful at all!!Please put some more effort into giving meaningful feedback. You write so well, I hope you will spend time helping some other people! :-)

Graduate / Letter to a prof. for phd admission - wheat genomic conference [4]

...still want to express my high interests and resolution in plant population genetics where your researches have been leading the advancement for more than a decade. ten years. You had written "more than a ten years."

...still want to express my high interests and resolution resolve to master the science o f plant population genetics where your researches have been leading the advancement for a ten years.

Undergraduate / Cornell AAP Supplement, why your chosen major? [4]

Until fairly recently, my answers to the frequently asked "What-do-you-want-to-be-when-you-grow-up" question were always inconsistent. ---> cut out unhelpful words.

Thanks for all the help you have been giving people! Please scroll down and check out the EF Contributors page.

At that time, I did not know---> At what time? fairly recently? Specify.

Ah, you know what? I say you should scrap the whole first para. Why admit right away that you are not the most focused and passionate, aspiring architect? Why not present yourself as someone who is treading onward with certainty?

For example, this is a powerful sentence: I have always been preparing for a future in architecture.----> Let that be a theme for the essay. Show them that you are hell-bent on success. And attend to that prompt question as you revise. How does this major match your intellectual interests? Analyze yourself a little more! Analyze your passion and fascination.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay "such as: improvement in their reading and writing skills, helping " [2]

For the reasons above, rich people not equal to unhappy people.----> in this sentence, you should write that being rich does not equal being happy. People who are rich are not necessarily happy.

It is a mistake to write, "Rich people not..." it needs a verb. Rich people are not always happy people.

Undergraduate / "to give back to the community and make friends" -Lehigh Supplement Short Answer [3]

I quickly became immersed in Lehigh's accomplishments, and how these accelerations in the engineering field can assist me with my future.

The impressive thing to do is write para #2 all about your specific aspirations and intellectual interests while naming those accomplishments to which you referred. Make an argument about why this school is better for you than another school, and base your argument on your unique, well-developed interests. You might have to go deeper into the study of engineering. What is your specific approach to engineering? That is what you need to explain here. Sometimes a student is so passionate about a field of expertise that s/he absolutely must go to the school that has a focus aligned with her interests.

Maybe a professor there is a hero of yours????

Undergraduate / I was one of the only two Asian-Americans in our academy, CommApp Personal Essay [2]


Use a comma after "school" in this compound sentence.

In order to make this clearer, I suggest adding one sentence after this one ---> Each culture had its own unique style, and being exposed to most of them has helped me view the world more captivatingly than before.---> and then END the first paragraph. This long first paragraph is difficult to make sense of. I suggest adding a good thesis sentence after this sentence and then ending the first para. Then, para #2 will start:

However Very few people knew about my...

One more thing: has helped me to view the world with enhanced perspective. "captivatingly" is not appropriate here.

:-)

Undergraduate / "How on earth did you get interested in opera?" Common app essay (option 4) [9]

I entertained the usual stereotypes; (after the semi-colon I added here, specify what stereotypes you are talking about. You can just be brief about it.)

That spring, however, I decided to spend my birthday money on a college course about music appreciation.----> very impressive. No, I don't think this is too informal at all.


Should classical be capitalized? I don't know...


You have a nice way with words. This essay is very impressive.

The only problem is that this strays from the topic a bit. It is not really about the "character." You can add an evaluative, reflective concludng sentence to each paragraph (or at least a few paragraphs) to bring the reader back to the character.

Undergraduate / Medicine + Piece of Advice - Brown Supplement Essays [3]


I recommend six instead of 6, but more importantly, my first words were doctor is wrong. One of the first words I spoke as a baby was "doctor."

When possible, use physican instead of doctor.

On the 2 sides of a semi-colon, you are supposed to have independent clauses. That means they should be able to be complete sentences on their own. ----> Stomach churning, nail biting, sweating profusely; my nerves had been kicked into overdrive the morning preceding my junior year examinations.-----> therefore, you should use a dash instead. a dash is like a glorified comma.

ALSO, these things should all be about the same actor performing the actions:
Feelng my stomach churn, biting my nails, sweating profusely -- my nerves...

I hope I explained that correctly!

Good luck at Brown! Enjoy Thayer street and the water fires.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Governments should pay more attention on health care issue than .. [7]

Yes, I think it is their fault, not your fault. Their sentence was unclear.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL "A gift can contribute to child's development..." - BOOK [5]


When you put 2 complete sentences together as a compound sentence, you are supposed to use a comma. In this sentence, a comma should go after "gift." However, many people do not use commas properly, so it is not an important mistake to correct.

Books are important helping equipments, which has a profound effect on the reading and writing skills of students.----the word equipment it not correct here. Equipment is never written with an s at the end, because equipment is already plural. The correct word to use here is "tools."

Books are important educational tools which have a profound effect on the reading and writing skills of students.

And the way to use has and have is like this:
A tool has..
Many tools have...

Undergraduate / SUNY Buffalo & Plattsburgh - Dreams and Goals [5]


What kind of weird questions are these? They seem strange...

And now, instead of apologizing, I had announced another piece of news that would crush their dreams further.

Like most parents in my country, they had believed that I would finish high school, attend the University of Medicine and become a doctor.----> you have not named the country yet at the point of writing this sentence! You should clue us in. Could it really be true that most parents in the country believe that their child will become a physician?

Becoming an editor at a publishing company was the whole thing I could see myself doing in the future. -----> I hope you will also learn about search engine optimization and internet marketing. The internet is changing the world of publishing. Learn about the internet as much as possible!!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay. The twentieth century [5]


Excellent, I sure respect that. I hope you will read some books by Stephen Kind, and read them aloud. that is what helps. King writes in a simple style that is beautiful but not too complex. Another good book to read aloud is Tolle's The Power of Now. Please read aloud, and it will help you improve so fast!!

Years ago, when the winter approached, they had to gather in logs to a firework, which is time-consuming.---> A firework is what they use on the 4rth of July holiday. Fire wood is what they used the logs for.

The feedback given by John and s011208 is very good, but actually, you did not make mistakes. This writing is very good, better than the writing of many people I know who grew up speaking English. I am not lying. You write very well now.

Undergraduate / Best piece of advice: "never, never, never give up" (Eleanor Roosevelt) [4]

It flows out from my mother like a whisper that needs to be repeated and is, on those type of days that we all experience. ----> I see what you mean. Well, you can't write "those type" because it's incorrect grammar.

It flows out from my mother as a whisper that demands to be repeated in the mind -- echoing on certain types of days that we all experience.

Undergraduate / An Intellectual Experience:Stanford Short Essay [8]


Add an apostrophe to nature's!!

seven year-old mind

The perpetual hysteria it stirred within me accrued over time as my favorite dance-show reached its' climaxing conclusion.---> this is a little overblown. Too many big words... makes it seem unnatural. I hope that does not seem discouraging.

Less floweryness, more content. I suggest writing about this intellectually engaging subject in a way that is specific, and write about areas of RESEARCH, scholarly research associated with it.

Undergraduate / Experience, Famous New Yorker, Limerick - NYU Supplement [9]

I found myself developing a backbone, no longer letting people step all over me. ---> do you think it is better this way? I'm not sure...

Textbooks always say that he was against the atomic bomb being used, so this would be my opportunity to hear his opinion first-hand .---In this paragraph, you did not say where you would go and what you would do.

The limerick is awesome!!

Undergraduate / media group, artists - Application Essay [4]


Maybe you can be more specific here. You can say that your advantage is the empowerment that comes from experiences with your parents' work. Or, you could make it more specific in your own way... but this last sentence of the 1st paragraph is an important part of the essay. What do you think?

Therefore, I always played with media workers rather than children my own age.---> In this sentence, I think "as a result" works better than "therefore." I don't know how to explain why, though!!

Being an entertainer cannot only rely on the influence of interpersonal relationships in the entertainment industry. -----> For this sentence, I recommend slight revision at the start:

An aspiring entertainer cannot only rely on the influence of interpersonal relationships in the entertainment industry.

Undergraduate / something about you that will help your future roommate, Stanford Prompt 2 [4]

Don't worry, after one year with me, you will have mastered the art of listening to random music. as I do. ---> that is my idea, but only keep it if you like it.

Inequality is that phenomenon you experien ce when, sometimes, you will find yourself using the whole room for the entire week when I decide to move my stuffs to Starbucks.

I think this is definitely a successful essay. You seem to have become very inspired, and what you wrote is as amusing as it is thoughtful. Can you incorporate some discussion of your career aspirations?

Poetry / What smile gives witness, proof for you to judge?; First Stab at a Sonnet [17]


You have a great way with words. I think we have a Boddhisatva on our hands...

Writing Feedback / Expense for each consumer goods among all mentioned countries performed a visibly contrasting value [6]

a colon would work well here:
The bar chart illustrates some statistical information regarding the amount spent in six consumer goods: including personal stereos, tennis...

In summary, to focus on the...---> When you say in summary, it is usually at the end... it is usually when you are giving your final reflection on the topic. Say "in summary" at the end, and then summarize your main idea.

Undergraduate / last summer, Jerome Najee Rasheed, year 2050 - NYu short answers [3]

Akua was the girl with one whose personality type was clear to all who knew her: smart, conscientious, and introverted.


Very clever!! :-)

How about this:
This is the one question for which I still have no definite answer. for .

Undergraduate / NYU Supplemental Application - Multiple Prompts [4]


This seems like a "blah" way to end it. Do you have any room for more characters? Try to connect this with your career plan and academic aspirations.

Numbers swirling, dancing with glee,
Turning the sky a new shade of grey,---do you like it with this subtle change for the meter?


I don't think you should use "brave new world." Come up with your own phrase instead of borrowing that one.

Good luck!! You are creative...

Poetry / HE WAS NOT A TEACHER.... [7]

Bilal, here is my challenge for you:
If you do not already play the guitar, get one and use the internet to learn two chords: A major and G major. For some reason, I hear those chords in my head when I read your poem. The instrument does not hve to be a guitar, but that is what I hear in my head.

Why do you capitalize the first letter of each line sometimes and not other times?

Why all the dots...
there should just be 3 ...

How awful it is when someone tries to teach you something and they are not in a position to understand well enough to criticize!! How awful it is when someone plays the role of the teacher when that person is not in a position to know. And speaking of that, what's up with this strange exchange between two of my favorite people? ha ha, well, "words are a difficult means of communication." (Mitose). ha ha, let it all out here, and we can offend one another in educative ways.

Undergraduate / tutoring programs and learning projects - UIUC Essay prompt [5]

My group proposed to organize activities for two groups of children -- those namely ones from underprivileged backgrounds, and those fighting against terminal illness. We believe that, by offering our love and care, we would be are able to restore hope and confidence in their broken hearts.

Now, right here, end the first paragraph and let the next sentence begin paragraph 2!!

I also decided to pursue a psychology major since then to offer specialized help to the psychologically vulnerable groups.---> let's talk more about this if you can make room! This is an important topic. It is related to the experience you describe, and it shows your seriousness. What schools of thought in psych do you favor? I recommend for you a book by Frankl called Man's Search for Meaning.

I'm impressed by your excellent drive to help people. Thanks for being so great!!

Undergraduate / Cornell(College of Arts and Science)-Your intellectual interest. [4]


I think you need to answer this part better. It is obvious that you will participate in the program, and it's not surprising that you will be in the math club. If you want to impress them, tell them about specific aspects of your plan -- for example, is there a professor you admire? Is there a particular application of mathematics that you want to master, such as accounting, and if so, are there resources and clubs for that? Might you start a club of your own? Maybe you will be a leader among peers in the program you are in...

Undergraduate / "If you can dream, you can do it." - Art Institute of San Francisco Application Essay [6]

Your welcome, Maria! Good luck in your application/admission...

Undergraduate / UNC Essay - Which terms suit best to describe me as a person and my whole life? [4]

I pray that I can be recalled as someone who is soulful in her beliefs and that I am transparent in her passion.----> transparent in passion? Does that mean that you do not conceal what you are passionate about?

Wisdom is something I lack, at least in excessive amounts, then again few young adults could claim to have wisdom.-----> this is a run on sentence. You should put a semi-colon after amounts. That'll fix it. But isn't this supposed to be about how you will be AFTER a long and happy life?

I think this essay is good as brainstorming, but you need to change it to reflect how your whole life will have been. Write those 12 words at the start of the essay, and... I guess I think you should not write it as a letter. It seems like you misunderstood the prompt. I'm sorry! But enjoy revising it; writing is great. :-)

Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from (India to America) -MIT essay [3]

To understand explain where I come from, I have to take you half way around the world, to the small town of Thrissur, to the roots of my namesake: my grandfather, Parameswar.

This is absolutely brilliant, fascinating. You should introduce the theme of entrepreneurship earlier in the essay -- perhaps as the 2nd or 3rd sentence.

Undergraduate / Polytechnic Institute of NYU: Spend a day with an inventor. who, where and why? [5]

I was just looking at all the feedback you have given people, and you are awesome. thanks!

Due to advances in photography, people were able to see the devastation of war. ----> This sentence needs to be supported by the thesis.

You should end the first para with a sentence that, in a concise way, answers their questions. I would spend the day with ____ and we would go ____ and we would do _________. Where you go and what you do can be based on this EXCELLENT observation about the influence of photography on war and atrocities. Where could you go that would be a place that represents the way photography has affected perceptions of war and atrocity?

Book Reports / controversy about Adventures of Huck Finn [11]


I think you should start a new paragraph after tis sentence. keep the intro short and clear, so the reader knows what is happening.

However, before ending the intro para, you should give a thesis statement that lists your important points: This paper is intended to show that the novel is inappropriate for young children, because it glorifies irreverence and recklessness, teaches poor grammar, and exposes the reader to violent imagery.

Undergraduate / My favorite word and why? How has a work of science surprised me? [4]


You did not say anything to support this statement. It is not necessary, not really relevant to the rest of the essay. I suggest using 2 paragraphs for each essay, and let each para be about one central idea concerning the subject.

For example, you might write a topic sentence about metamorphosis that says it is a word that puts pressure on you. Then, you'll need to explain what you mean by that. If you use paragraphs with good topic sentences, it will be good composition. If you don't it seems like a stream of consciousness rant, a list of sentences that come to mind. the good ting to do is identify your main idea and use this equation:

one idea = one para

The first near-full face transplant has proved itself after thousands of hours of medical breakthroughs and discoveries.

Undergraduate / "I hope for nothing. I fear nothing. I am free." Princeton Supplement- Quotation [3]

Liberty is one of a sociological term which is used to describe one's acting capacity and its interval.----> I am quite smart, but I don't know what this means. That indicates that it might be unclear!! :-)

Therefore we may probably start with the analysis of the following fact: what is capacity and for who or what it depends on?---> capacity for what?

Keep that verb tense consistent:
After a Turkish story reviewer said "Give me new style of stories, I spent all of them", he was alienated by the...

I don't understand all of this essay! I hope you can explain it so that I understand. and use good topic sentences to spell out the meaning for people like me, who do not understand.

Undergraduate / 'San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge' - makes Stanford a good place for you? [13]

This is the setting of so many fond memories, of , from adventures to Stinson beach to night hikes up Mt. Tam, to the breezy and exhilarating ferry rides to San Francisco in the summer.---> at the point where I finish this sentence, I am thinking, "Okay, when are you going to answer the question about why stanford?" BTW, this was not a complete sentence as you had written it! It is long, but it had no predicate.

Of course, I am not too different from the average high school student in the regard that I, too, am yearning for a vastly new experience in college, but for me finding a new experience doesn't necessarily mean moving across the country to be made fun of as the Californian learning the true meaning of a snowy winter.

I will be surrounded by and exposed to a new world of people, professors, research, perspectives and expertise without having to leave the amazing area that I've had the privilege of growing up in.---> not good to end a sentence with a preposition. Write like this:

... the amazing area in which I've had the privilege...

Oh.. so the answer to the question is that you want to attend so you don't have to leave home??? that is not as strong as it could be. If you are going to stanford because one of their professors is a hero of yours, that is good. If you want to go there because they have a program that is perfect for your well-defined plan for the future, that is good. I suggest adding something about a reason based on academic and professional goals.

:-)

Essays / University Exam Paper on King Lear: How to get started? Focus? Main points? [5]

On this page are a lot of annoying advertisements, but it has a discussion of passion as a source of trouble novelguide.com/kinglear/themeanalysis.html

good luck with this! It is a great project. The thing to do is just start writing paragraphs. Write the intro later based on what you come up with. Read an article about it, write a para about what the article says, and repeat that process for other articles.

Use a topic sentence for every para. The topic sentence tells the main idea of the para. This makes it easy! Write a sentence about an article about King Lear. Then, explain your sentence for a whole paragraph. Give that para a thoughtful conclusion sentence that evaluates of scrutinizes your idea expressed in the para.

Most importantly, write this as something you really care about. That is where inspiration comes from. This play is one of the most important works in all of literature, so go deep into it as a matter of your own scholarship. Writing is just discussion.

10 pages = 30 paragraphs, but 2 paragraphs are accounted for by the intro and conclusion. So... you need maybe 28 paragraphs! That is 28 sentences with a paragraph of explanation for each.

When you read, make notes and underline important parts. Every observation you make will cover a paragraph. I could write a 10 page paper aout this play in about 5 hours. It can be easy and satisfying. Writing academic papers is nothing but a sophisticated form of discussion!! :-0

And you cite these good readings from class, really giving a meaningful discussion.

:-)

Undergraduate / "inferiority complex" - MIT most significant challenge essay [8]


Awesome, thanks for giving that excellent explanation. Yes, I think "you"s are... presumptuous? merriam-webster.com/dictionary/Presumptuous

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

Well... like I said, it is great already. It made me think, though, of the different types of thesis sentences. Sometimes the thesis takes the form of a question. Sometimes it consists of a single, succinct sentence (my favorite kind, because it identifies the soul of the essay; sometimes it consists of a few sentences that list the points to be covered in the essay, and that is what I had in mind here.

However, don't let all this discussion create the illusion that it is necessary to expand the thesis to list all points covered. It is just what came to mind for me. I had to give SOME kind of suggestion, ha ha.

So, yes Jeannie, what you wrote is what I meant. But what do you have against bulleted lists? Bulleted lists are people too!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

Ha ha, it rhymes with John-o-mat-apeyya.

I think...

Undergraduate / "we need to learn how to think" -comm [6]

What were her criticisms about it?