Undergraduate / Common App Personal Statement, On Poetry and Sailing [5]


I usually tell people to be careful not to overuse adverbs, but you do a great job with them here.

This is great writing. I searched for something that I coud tell you was a non sequitur, but I could not find one, ha ha.

Well, obviously this is inspired, so we should not mess with it too much. And you write without errors. However, you should try to mention your sister a little more in the body paragraphs.

Undergraduate / My parents allow me to express myself as an individual; Tufts-'Let your life speak.' [12]


Thee two sentences do not seem to go together. Just connect them somehow. A tiled mural that I helped my mother create when I was six enhances the antique wooden door to our apartment, and it represents to me the encouragement I received about self-expression.

At the beginning of this essay, say something about how giving up is never an option. You must connect the beginning of the essay to the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]

Yes, it's so hard to explain how we are affected by an essay, we can all agree not to be offended and not to intend any ill will... that is what people in writer's groups often do...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Student exchange; the introduction part of my essay? [5]

Very impressive! Here are the changes I would make:
So , have you ever thought about why they adhere to such a purpose ? It is because they believe gathering different cultures together in order to supply the possibility of thinking in different ways and reaching success. I write with great interest in applying...

I like it.

Writing Feedback / SLIPPERS OF FATHER [11]

Within these of slippers, all was a crack in front of head and full fill mud stain.---> With this sentence, I don't know quite what you mean. Can you say it a different way?

Moreover, my uncle died at young age, and my grandma felt agony. She urged my father to get married , because she had only father as unique son. My father had no way to refuse. He obeyed his mom to please her. From that time, he said goodbye with books to step down into the rice field.

My father always worked hard in the rice field. When coming back home, he often leaned on the front column of my house to gasp for ai r. My father's clothes were wet with sweat as if he had no time to dry them after talking bath. My family was a little poor; therefore he had to save money in order to support my brothers and me. He often ate a little and let us to have more.

Wow, this is a powerful essay. I'm glad this excellent man has a daughter who can honor his life through this essay. I think consciousness continues to have experiences even after the body dies.

Undergraduate / Studying in a boarding school away from family and folks - Apply Texas Essay A [7]

I'm sorry Mayada! ha ha, some people are so open-minded that they say they don't see race. I guess I don't see gender, ha ha..

Undergraduate / An uncultured person is nonexistant[ University of Wash. Transfer Application] [5]

Despite how well I understand information systems and business, I still have a lingering concern.

It's great tat you used headings to ensure that you intend to all of their requirements, but now I think you should search these sections for a theme that can unite them all. Give an intro paragraph that introduces a idea that the reader will remember after reading the essay. In the intro paragraph, list the subtopics of the essay in a clear sentence.

That is my suggestion... make it a solid essay that touches on each required topic, and make it look easy!

Graduate / SOP - PhD Linguistics [9]

Yeah! if the person makes an error it is because s/he does not know it's wrong!

"One of the highlights" cannot "include" several of the highlights. You can write, instead:
Among the many highlights of my experience at AF, I particularly enjoy...
or, even more simply...
The highlights of working at AF include...

I worked on the underlying algorithm of the search engine and helped develop an ontology of concepts mapped to a corpora from a particular industry various industrie s, such as telecommunications, aerospace, or IT.---> You might write, "On any given day, I might be mapping corpora from a particular industry," but the way you wrote it here is not quite right.

Since the company was a start-up, employees were required to wear many different "hats", not the least of which was research but also programming, business analysis, and training clients.----> Here, yo uare not trying to say that anything particular is not the least of the hats. You are trying to say:

Since the company was a start-up, employees were required to wear many different "hats", and they were not limited to research; they also included programming, business analysis, and training clients.

Your writing is very good, and it is complex subject matter, so it is understandable that some sentences will be difficult!

Undergraduate / What would it be to your advantage to participate in Protrack program? [4]

That first paragraph needs to be developed! It used to be ust a school you wanted to attend, but what is different now? Tell the main idea in that first para, and then the res of the essay will explain it.

I have always considered The possibility that I will not receive sufficient financial aid is a serious, potential barrier against my US education.-----> This sentence should not be the first sentence of the paragraph. Instead, precede this with topic sentence that tells the reader, "Protrack can help to ensure that I have the financial support that I need..." or something like that. And then... The possibility that I will not receive sufficient financial aid is a serious, potential barrier against my US education.

State the main idea of the essay boldly in the intro and conclusion. Then, it will be strong! :-)

State the main idea of each para boldly in its topic sentence.

Dissertations / Suggestions for Ph.D topic in computer science / cloud computing [18]

This is not a subject I can help much with.. here is an article about data mining for user click patterns.

portal.acm.org/citation.cfm?id=744399

Writing Feedback / Icy Metamorphosis - Can you help me edit this [3]


This part is cute.

Showing the growth of a character is closely linked to the theme of the story. The moral of the story has something to do with character growth. If you show a persistent character flaw that benji has, it will enable you to show growth. Right now, he does not seem to have much of a flaw. His mom is being negligent, and he is upset, so that is not really a flaw.

In fact, the way this shows Benji in a positive light and shows the mom in a negative light makes it seem like the writer is writing this a little autobiographically... let's give Benji a real flaw. Then there is room for growth.

Ha ha, I see that the story is getting very interesting. Think about what lesson can be learned from the events that are unfolding, and that will tell you what kind of a flaw to give Benji as you continue to revise and improve the intro.

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]


Yeah, when you are the sort of person who does not have to struggle to do well in school, a challenge can take you by surprise. One thing I recommend for you is questia, because that site has lots of journal articles that you can read, and... if you read some good peer reviewed scholarly articles about a shakespeare play or anything else, you can't not become an excellent writer. It's just like when someone gets good at Aikido because of growing up around people who practice Aikido. Because you are serious about mastering academic disciplines, I recommend trying questia some time. You can pay 20 bucks for a month of access. I recommend it only because you are such a promising scholar.

When you read the articles, you'll notice that they tell the reader what they are going to say, then they use topic sentences to make everything perfectly clear for the reader, and then they discuss all kinds of related research articles, books, etc., and then they make a little argument that makes a logical contribution to the study of whatever the heck the subject is.

Remember, none of this is all that complicated, because human beings are not that smart. Emotional upset interferes with what we try to do, so we have slow progress. With this scholarly composition... you know, in a few years it will be effortless, like driving becomes effortless. It only takes a short amount of time to go deep into a subject and become something of a master of it... BUT you have to read the scholarly journal articles.

you are lucky! You are one of the rare sorts of people that can focus well enough to master subjects!

Undergraduate / Help with Common App Essay: "I Am an Alien" [9]

I think tellers might be better:
...or the condescending glances of bank tellers.

You sure do have a title that catches my attention. I like it.

This below is nice detail, too.

Graduate / Statement of purpose-PhD, Economics [4]

This essay in great in many ways. I have all good things to say about it. The most impressive thing is the content -- the stuff you have already done. You present this very nicely, and I think you'll achieve everything you want to achieve! It is unlikely that the admissions person who reads this will be someone who can write so well. It is very professional.

Here is my only criticism: it is too professional! What about letting them know your motives, what brings you satisfaction? This is very general: "discussing the interesting economic topics..." and this is very general: "becoming an excellent researcher..."

You should let them know about the nonprofit organization you want to start or the future you have planned for your family. I expect that school is very easy for you, so do good things with the success you're about to achieve! :-)

Writing Feedback / the formal analysis and related artist's statement need to be edit! [2]

That first sentence...

Like many early photographic images -------> it was a dandelion... (this seems to suggest that you are saying many images are dandelions, but I don't think that is your intention. Let's use a short sentence to get the reader's attention, there, at the start, and achieve some clarity.

I see that you do a good job of covering all the elements of formal analysis, from observation to interpretation and scrutiny... but some of these sentences need to be looked at again. For instance, here in this topic sentence for a paragraph, you say an image can be referred to as a rule:

The image can be referred as the rule of thirds: one dandelion and ...
The image can be explained according to the rule of thirds: one dandelion and ...

I think you will do very well! Maybe you are a visual thinker instead of a verbal/auditory thinker... or maybe you are an excellent balance of both... but look at all your sentences to make sure they say what they are intended to say. Sometimes simple sentence structure is best.


I think you don't need as much help as you think you do. You write very well; please check out ef-contributor-page/. That way, we can set you up as a contributor, and you can choose a username that is not a racial slur.

Your artist's personal statement seems to be based on the analysis. It needs a theme. I see that a big theme is the ability to produce visual art without even using a camera, so I think that should be mentioned at the beginning of the essay.

Please go give some other people a little bit of feedback on their essays. Don't get out of it easy by just giving a line of feedback; instead, give a solid paragraph of thoughts inspired by their essay, and then link them to your essay and ask them to return the favor. I'm going to delete your meaningless posts, now (i.e. in my opinion this essay is pretty much well-written but you need to make clear of what your theme that you try to convince the reader), and challenge you to give some thoughtful feedback.

:-)

Kind regards

Undergraduate / UT essay - person of impact on you and importance of that person [9]

Well, what I mean is that it will be useful if the influence this person had on you strengthened your resolve to make your decision to attend this school. You have to be creative to connect it with the need to go to this school. I don't have the necessary info to give an example. Also, my suggestion is not even about something you necessarily have to do; it was just an idea for making it more competitive.

Undergraduate / Racism, UT essay B - issue of importance [5]

...were all effects due to of racism.

or...

...were all consequences of racism.

or...

...were all associated with racism.

When you give that definition, put the name of the dictionary in parentheses to "cite the source."

In that last para, mention the 3 examples one more time.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay reading and writing is important today than in the past [7]

Yes, I know it can be difficult.

The topic sentence for a paragraph tells the main idea of the paragraph. he rest of the paragraph explains and gives examples.

Instead of repeating the question, answer it directly: Reading and writing is more important than it was in the past, because...

Undergraduate / My Common App Additional Information Portion. making a difference by sailing [7]

I think you should add another sentence to the end of that first para in order to explain what you mean about making a difference by sailing. How about adding a sentence to the end of that first para that says something about making a difference in the world by introducing people to the experience of sailing?

Undergraduate / DePaul Essay -- Goals, Challenges, Community, Interests [4]

I can't find many errors... here is one:
A specific interest I have pursued outside my high school classes is my love of and interest in Shakespeare.

Comma for a compound sentence:
I have taken classes on performing and analyzing his plays, and sonnets and I have read...

For the sexual harassment one, you might want to make an observation about the complexity of that kind of dilemma. Your experience may have helped you to realize the way people, especially women, feel pressured to just accept harassment despite the way it undermines their personal power.

Research Papers / Starting an Original Research Paper on Teen Pregnancy [8]

Don't write the intro first. Write it after the rest of the paragraphs are written. If you try to introduce something that does not exist yet, you will not know what to say!

This would be a good opening sentence for the first paragraph:
What is Teen Pregnancy? Teen Pregnancy is defined as a teenage or underage girl (Usually within the ages of 13-19)becoming pregnant.

This would be a good second sentence for the first paragraph:
Every twenty-six seconds, a United States...

This would be a good topic sentence for paragraph 2:
Getting pregnant as a teenager gives you a higher risk of running into the Social aspects and Economical issues that surround today's teenage parents.

This would be a good first sentence for paragraph 3:
Reducing teen pregnancy and birth is one of the most effective ways of reducing child poverty in the U.S.Virgin Island(Jordan Brown.)

Undergraduate / "a passionate juggler" - Common App Short Answer [5]

I recently began juggling, too, and I noticed that it is very meditative. I think you could write about the crucial moments, the meditative mind, the muscle memory... and the way these apply to your intended program of study.

Writing Feedback / Short essay about capital punishment - 'should be canceled' [4]

Tim, you are a hero; you did a great edit. Here is my suggestion for the first part:

Capital punishment became a controversial issue lately, and it is a big debate in the world. The debate of capital punishment has two sides: the people who argue in favor of capital punishment and the people who argue against capital punishment.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]

Dialogue should be preceded by a comma:
The great author Alex Haley once said , "In every...

Te first paragraph needs more definition; it is too simple to just say your loving family influenced you. Can you make it more unique?

The second paragraph needs a topic and conclusion sentence; perhaps you should add a sentence to the beginning, and a sentence to the end. They should both be sentences about how your multifaceted personality reflects qualities from family members. That would be a theme for the paragraph that would justify the mention of their personalities. If you don't add a topic and conclusion to that para, it is just a list of their personality types.

I don't think Yang was angry. It is difficult to criticize each other's writing without sounding... critical! And the caps were for emphasis, I think, not anger. Plus, I understand what he means. In places like this...

...the multicultural childhood I had has made me even more of a unique person...
I think you should use the rule "Show, don't tell." That means you should write a sentence about a particular ability that you honed as you acclimated to various cultures. If you write about a particular ability you developed, that SHOWS the reader a way in which you became unique.

So... don't take offense!! You write very well. I see that the last paragraph lacks definition, though, too. The whole essay could go a little deeper if you add more detail about the way in which this upbringing affected you.

Challenge for you: Can you think of one word that captures the main theme of this essay?

Undergraduate / An experience that is plain fun [5]

I hope so, too. Tense changes can indeed create a mess. Just do your best and we'll all try to correct any errors you might have. The way to perfect your skill is to read good literature aloud.

Undergraduate / 'Everyone was not satisfied with our monitor' - How did you get caught? [15]

In that first part, when you mention embarrassing him at every opportunity, you should add one sentence that "foreshadows" the revelation that is coming. Add a sentence that says something like:

I just embarrassed the guy on every occasion and our class was in a funny mess. I would soon learn that this was not the way to participate in leadership.

Undergraduate / 'mixed in awe, fear and some incomprehensible excitement' - Common app_ topic of your choice [15]

incomprehensible excitement sounds like excitement that confuses you. Maybe you mean indescribable excitement.

I stepped back, experiencing a mixture of awe, fear, and some incomprehensible excitement.

Let's not start any sentences with ... or ___

I really like this version!!! You should end some sentences with ... but do not start them that way. That is my opinion. Just remove those symbols from the start of sentences.

Writing Feedback / I would like to invent an electric-powered harvesting vehicle - energy-friendly and convenient [6]

To my view, I would like to invent...

I think people usually say "In my view" instead of "To my view." However, in this sentence, neither fits. It refers to an opinion: "In my view, imperialism is unacceptable." You are referring to your interest, though, so you should write:

To my view, I would like to invent an electric-powered harvesting vehicle.

or you could write:

If I could invent something, To my view, I would like to invent an electric-powered harvesting vehicle.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay - To get a good grade is to encourage? [6]

You can study in order to learn, just like you practice in order to improve skill. The word study refers to the process of reading and memorizing stuff. The word learn refers to increasing knowledge.

You can learn without studying; for example, you can listen to what someone says and find out something about someone you know. When you hear what the person says, you learn something, but that is not really studying. Studying is what you do at your desk.

However, even though study usually refers to what you do at your desk, people also use it like the word "examine" sometimes:
He studied the painting on the wall.

To illustrate, my friends who get a good grade at 3.1 are now applying for a scholarship fund to continue master degree in Spain. He One of those people said that you...

Writing Feedback / Nature Vs Nurture; Which influences early human development? [5]

Oh, I see. I think you could add some topic sentences (first sentence of a paragraph) that help the reader understand what you are doing with each paragraph. That will add to the clarity.

Undergraduate / An Amateur Photographer- Common App. [3]

I agree; it is bad to start with a phrase that is so common. It would be okay if you focused the essay on thoughtful consideration of the ways in which a picture is worth words... but that is not really what the essay is about.

this might make a nice first sentence:
When I found out my high school offered a course in black and white photography, I excitedly signed up for it. ----> as you continue to write, dig deep and tell about the truth you've found in photography. Tell us about the moment of squeezing the button, the significance that photography has compared to other arts, etc.

Dig deeper!

Writing Feedback / Vibhuti, as our camp was called! - A Spiritual Camp [3]

Ha ha, good old ego death.

I see errors that are not really errors. For example, the sentence fragments here are incomplete sentences, but that is ok, because you have poetic license to use fragments.

Or you could do this:
Getting up, getting ready, then coming out -- the morning is only a little cold, but so pleasant. The colors in the sky and the freshness of the breeze, even the lingering darkness, invigorating.

Yang, this forum is for feedback and also editing. Especially for ESL students, editing is very helpful Rajiv speaks perfect English, but we all need editing help sometimes. Truthfully, I think the kind of thoughtful feedback you give is usually more beneficial than editing.

Rajiv, this essay -- I had not gotten a chance to read it until today. I feel a kinship with you! I want to overcome the illusion, too. Indian wisdom found a foothold in China and developed as Daoist meditation, which is what I learned, and although Daoist meditation can be thought of as just one of many kinds of Yoga, and although it does not necessarily offer anything that is not also offered in schools of Yoga, I think you might really appreciate it: Embryonic Breathing by Dr. Yang Jwing-Ming. Aside from Deepak Chopra's writings, this book might be the most important thing that happened to me.

In meditation, we put the attention on the center of the body, and that draws energy into the body. In most other activities, the attention is usually on things outside the body so energy is wasted.

If you practice energy collection with Embryonic Breathing... well, I truly believe, now, that increasing the biobattery's capacity to store up a higher charge is the mysterious process that leads to enlightenment. The way to increase a battery's capacity is to run more of a current through it; for example, that is how some kids make a battery for a high school science fair. The lower abdomen is shaped like a battery, with layers of muscle (good conductors) sandwiched between layers of fascia (poor conductors).

I recommend this DVD, and if you like it, get the others, too ymaa.com/publishing/dvd/qigong_DVD/understanding_qigong_DVD3

And this book is what had the most profound effect on me ymaa.com/publishing/books/qigong/qigong_meditation_embryonic_breathing

Please let me know if they benefit you! When I discovered them, I was so surprised about how much they benefited me.

When Spring comes, emphasize the inhalations!

Graduate / My dream toward an unknown world -UIUC prompt [4]

You can fix it like this: ...computers that operate all day long and...

Good call, Mustafa!

In that first part of the first para, it will be clearer if you explain where and when that happened SOONER. Maybe in the first sentence, you could have that phrase "three years ago."

I challenge you to add a sentence to the end of each paragraph, or slightly change the existing last sentence of each paragraph, in order to show how the CONTENT of the paragraph shows that an "unknown world" awaits you in this field.

Does that make sense to you? It will be nice if the ast sentence of each para reminds the reader of that theme.

Writing Feedback / Monologue Writing about Monica [9]

Well.. a monologue is a long speech given by a character. If the character is Peter Griffin from Family Guy, maybe it will be a rant. If the monologue was given by Deepak Chopra, it would be organized...

I suggest looking at examples of monologues. They are usually dramatic. Like Yang, I wonder the what assignment instructions say. The only way to get it right is to know what you teacher is trying to convey. It's all about the teacher's expectations, because s/he is trying to impart something.

Writing Feedback / Universities should give more money to their libraries than to students' sports [6]


That is a great way to explain it!

Some people agree with the idea that universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their libraries, but I do not agree with it.

Actually, "although" could work here, maybe, because of that "bandwagon" effect. The fact that lots of people like twitter caused me to check it out. The fact that a lot of people agree with this statement might have a bandwagon effect on me.

However, I still agree that the sentence is better without "although."

It is very clear that someone who goes to study in universities...

Undergraduate / "Tony taught me the most important lesson in my life" - admission essay [9]

Those are good observations, Yang. I agree that stammered is a good word, too, and I also agree about perhaps too much repetition with certain phrases.


Those sentences are simple, and the words are not colorful, like "stammered," but they have a special kind of rhythm that I enjoy:

That day, [and here is a pause with the comma]... through his actions Tony taught me ...----> I like the staccato sort of rhythm that the rest of this sentence has.

So, while you were critiquing repetitiveness and lack of colorful words in some places, I was complimenting sentence rhythm.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Other reason that people want money [5]

In my opinion, wanting money to live is the reason people work so much today. They want to get a salary for ...

Almost every family wants to see their daughter or son walk and play in the home.

For instance, my brothe r who works as advisor to the accounting manager always has a lot of free time; therefore, he decides to take a few days off at the beach.

Lastly , there are many reasons that motivate people to work for making a living. The chance to bring up children, an opportunity to take a holiday off and increase more job allowances income in the future are incentives that force compel people to work.

I hope these corrections help you to improve your skill! English is hard to perfect.

Book Reports / To Kill A Mockingbird quotes for Mrs. Dubose. [7]

I didn't think you were a slacker. I have had plenty of papers to do at times when I did not have time to read the book, and sometimes I was just not in the right state of mind for reading.

I know what you mean about the page numbers. For some books, you can search Google Books and see a preview in which it's possible to do a word search and find the pages that have the word you searched for. I tried that with this book for you, but the book preview was not available through Google Books.

Book Reports / Margaret Laurence's novel, The Stone Angel [4]

Hi Jewel, I don't have access to people's email addresses, but even if I did I could not give them out to anyone. I'm sure you understand why we are not allowed to do that. Our TOS promises that we won't. Maybe you want to post a message on his thread?

https://essayforum.com/books/king-lear-naivety-inability-control-emotions-6708/

...but please don't make a habit of using essay threads for irrelevant communication. We want the essay threads to be about the essays. I'm sorry I can't help! I hope you do well on the test!

Undergraduate / "Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder" - UCF Bump In The Road Essay [3]


I suspect that there is a lot more to your life than this "bump in the road," but they asked about the bump, so we have to do it... Jansen may be on to something, there, with the concern about social stigma. I know what he means, though I don't know how to explain it -- but the newer disorders are taken less seriously by lots of people.

I think the solution is this: PMDD was involved with that situation, but so were a lot of other things. I don't think you need to identify with PMDD, particularly. It really was just a bump in the road. How about writing profound truth illustrated by unforgettable exchanges that took place around this time?