Undergraduate / I enjoyed figuring out how things work; Carnegie Mellon / Why choose CMU? [7]

No, no! Bad first sentence! (don't ever take offense when I say critical stuff).
That first sentence reflects conceit, shows you to be judgmental, elitist, very bad way to start. Can you see how it is not impressive to act so superior?

I know that is not what you meant; I know that "words are a difficult means of communication" (Mitose, 1981).

Right here... this can be your first sentence: Although I don't have an enormous amount of experience with some of the technical sides of computers, from what I ...

Everything before that is weak, too general... but remember, the fact that I am criticizing this essay does not mean you are a bad writer. We are different every day. Today, for me, is a day when I can't write well at all! I am having trouble explaining myself even right now.

But in this essay, you state the obvious too much: obviously college will be more challenging than high school, obviously you have to answer the question of "why this school," obviously computer science is a growing field. Tell them something they don't know!

:) I look forward to seeing the next draft. Read lots of essays here at essay forum, and you will get a lot of good ideas. Focus on showing them that you are resolute in your decision to master the principles of computer science -- and refer to some articles, name some professors at their school, and really make sure every sentence impresses them. Make sure they see that they would be doing the world a disservice if they denied you admission!

Will you post another draft?

Research Papers / Research Paper on Reincarnation [13]

Wow, what a great topic!! I'm excited for you that you have this as the topic for your first research paper.

1.) You are lucky to have received Rajiv's ideas, because they are profound, and Rajiv is something of an expert on spiritual topics.

2.) You have not done much to help other people! If you want to get good at writing research papers, go read some recently posted research paprs and help people gain new perspective on their writing by offering your ideas. Try not to give just one or two lines of feedback, but instead do unto others as you would have them... you know, as you would want them to help you!

So, please go help some people.

Here is my advice for getting started:
1.) Go to an online database like Google Scholar or your school library database, and type reincarnation into the search. Collect 10 articles.
2.) Read one of the articles, and write a paragraph about the main idea the writer conveyed. Put the writer's name in parentesees at the end of the paragraph.

3.) repeat that process untl you have 10 paragraphs.
4.) Read what you wrote, and look to see what themes are EMERGING from writing about these things.
5.) when you have lots of pages, go back and add an introduction paragraph.
6.) go to the end and write a conclusion para.
Post it here so we can help!

:-)

Undergraduate / UT Admissions essay: influential person [9]


It's okay! I'm wrong all the time because of talking too much... :-) never hesitate to tell me I'm mistaken! ha haha...

It seems like what Faisal is saying is that you do not need to write about a TYPICAL issue, like global warming.


So... are you saying it is too common for people to write about issues like global warming and that it is okay to take an unconventional approach? I don't completely understand, for sure what you mean, but... anyway, i think it is important to make sure the admissions person sees that you understand the prompt. to make sure, it is good to refer to an issue at the end of the first paragraph. That way, it is clear that you are addressing the prompt.

:-) Thanks Faisal!! If you have a chance, explain a little more what you mean!

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay about my future career plans-feedback [3]

As a child, I was the member of my family who took interest in helping those who were in need of care.

Give more details about your intentions as a nurse. This is supposed to be about your career plans. Do you want to work in a hospital or some other setting? What concepts in nursing are most interesting to you? Read about transcultural nursing, evidence-based practice, and other concepts, and mention them! That will show how motivated you are. Read some journal articles about nursing and mention them.

Grammar, Usage / Footnote/endnote - citing internet source [4]

nd.edu/~sheridan/AmerAntiquitCitationStyle.pdf

I wish I could help you more! Citation styles are hard to learn. I know MLA, APA Chicago, Turabian... but not this one!! The links above have the necessary info... I hope it is easy to learn.

saa.org/Portals/0/SAA/Publications/StyleGuide/styleguide.pdf

Undergraduate / "professional chefs" - Rutgers admission essay [4]

Watching professional chefs was a hobby of mine when I was near the age of ten . Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse -- they were flawless in their cooking techniques, and they made it look easy and enjoyable!

Whoops, you said the same thing twice here:
...since I'm good at it, it enables me to act as if I'm Bobby Flay or Emeril Lagasse. Although I don't have the same desire to be a famous chef, making pancakes enables me to pretend that I'm a famous breakfast cook.--->maybe get rid of that second sentence above?

This is a successful essay! You are a hero, and think this will make a good impression.

Undergraduate / My limits, America - a signifcent risk or ethical dilemma and its impact on you [9]

Don't worry! I see what he means, but you can fix it easily. In order to make it about an ethical dilemma, all you have to do is write a sentence or two about how you felt compelled to adopt this prejudiced view against Amricans -- in order to fit in with other prejudiced people -- but then you solved the dilemma by exploring the truth that we are all just people.

The dilemma was the pressure to conform to prejudiced views, and you solved the dilemma through contemplation and experience.

Make it clear that you had a dilemma!

Undergraduate / "Rachel's Challenge" - Common App: significant experience, achievement, risk... [3]

One more sentence at the end of that first para could make it more meaningful... give one more sentence right there, and it can help to convey the thought and feeling you are trying to convey. It can be a short sentence.

Use sentence case for this:
"I accept Rachel's challenge."------> no need for them all to be capitalized... I know it was a sign, but you should still ust use normal sentence case.

:-)

Writing Feedback / compare between your childhood and right now. [16]

Bilal, please don't start a new thread for the same essay. Keep each essay in its own thread.

Is this supposed to be a compare contrast essay? I think it needs an introduction paragraph in which you explain the main theme, the main idea of the essay. Then, at the end, you say it again: I am now a breadwinner, taking responsibility. That is the main point, right? So express it at the beginning as wel.

For good composition, do this:

Say it,
Explain it
Say it again.

"It" is the main idea of the essay.

This essay, right now, is a narrative essay. It tells a story. If it is supposed to be an essay comparing then and now, you should give more reflection and less story. Know what I mean?

Graduate / 'Do not lean on your own past successes' - LSE application (business, economics) [8]

When you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence, use a comma:
I appreciate your taking the time in considering my application, and I hope that the information I have shared has effectually demonstrated my technical competence and my passion to form part of your prestigious academic institution as an MSc student.

Parallel below, always wearing and always trying..
...always wearing a smile on his face even at 9 o'clock in the morning and always trying to encourage...

You write beautifully! This is better than the previous draft, for sure.

Undergraduate / Common App- 150 words- Student Council [4]

We have a president and four executives that represent various interests and two representatives from each grade.

I ran for Student Activities Executive and won, which means I am responsible for planning dances, mixers, and any other social activity or event.

Even though we are not even half way through the year, I already love my job.

At some points its stressful, getting calls from my advisor at midnight asking for advice-----> sounds funny that your adviser calls you to ask for advice...

When you write "you" it is almost offensive to the reader... as if you are presuming to understand the reader... isn't that strange? Strange but true, don't write "you." It is better like this: To see that I have successfully represented my peers and was able to plan an event that they enjoyed makes the stressful times worth it.

Writing Feedback / What are the problems with English Education in Korea? [9]

Throughout my middle school and high school educational courses, I had a good grade in English. I earned good grades, because I was not only interested in English, but also goo d at memorizing English words and sentences.

But I was shocked and humiliated myself after talking with them. No matter how I tried to express myself in English, they just didn't understand what I said. After contemplating about my issues, finally I realized that I had not taken English as a language!

What I'm saying is that the Korean government changes English educational policies too often and lacks consistency. -----> This is a great sentence!! You really do have a good vocabulary.

I'm glad you are here at EssayForum. Your insights into ELL are very profound, and you might be able to help a lot of people.

:-)

Undergraduate / Dreams and Aspirations ( UC Prompt ) [3]

...news and being introduced to these depressing accounts of other people's experiences throughout the world.

Infinitesimal means "small."

This is great; you answered the prompt well and showed how your experiences showed you the suffering of the world... and this brought you to politics. I think you should discuss a pol. sci. major, and discuss some of what you know of political science. It will be great if you refer to what is going on in modern politics if you can. Show them that you have already jumped into the field of politics through your reading! Add some specifics to that very general last paragraph...

:-)

Book Reports / Comparative Rhetorical Analysis my Topic " Good Hair- Bad Hair" [2]

The fascination with our First Lady 's hair has a lot of people scratching their heads, but not African American women. Desmond-Harris told how supportive and understanding ethnic women are about Michelle's hair choices; she also states, that "The choice many black women make to alter their hair's natural texture has undeniable historical and psychological underpinnings" (Para 4).

Your thesis statement will be clear when it is a little bit "arguable." Something that is arguable is not obvious. You should end your 1st para with a thesis statement -- an opinion you are expressing in the essay.

Each para should somehow support your thesis argument.

You need to discuss the rhetorical techniques of the authors, so you are probably learning about logos, ethos, and pathos in your class. Use these terms in your discussion of each article.

Look at this essay and ask yourself what your main point is that you are trying to get across. Then, use that truth as a compass to guide your revision of each paragraph. Let each para support your thesis, and let's see some discussion fo the authors' rhetorical strategies.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay"What are the qualities of the good coworker?" [4]

Throughout in my experience, I noticed that good co worker should have certain qualities. She or he should work in a cooperative manner with others.

He should be helpful in nature and show understanding with others, and the most important quality is that he should be active in work.

He should be comfortable with the changes in scheduling timings, show understanding between the group members, remain ready to do extra work, and exchange of work and have no problems with new procedures in work.

This would result delay in the work's completion. However, a motivated person shows willingness to complete his work in time to accommodate deadlines.

In conclusion, we spend more time with our coworkers in a week than with our family. ------>"Therefore" means "because of this," so it is not right to use therefore in this sentence above.

Thus, it is important for our coworkers to be people we can get along with.

When coworkers are cooperative, helpful and active than everyone can get their job done well.----> Good sentence!!!

Undergraduate / About natural disasters and their influences on me. [9]

This is quite an incredible essay. I really like your writing style. and little details, like ordinarily being frugal, enable the reader to start to know you personally.

No matter how it is defined, I care about the affairs of America just as much as I mind about the issues in China. -----> This sentence is not quite right. Actually, the whole last para has to be scrapped, I think! The 1st sentence of the last para is boring, and then you talk about "definitions" for community, which is not really important. How about a new last paragraph?If you choose to focus on an issue, write about community, but if you choose to focus on an experience, write about how this duel experience -- in China and the U.S. -- affected your aspirations for the future.

Undergraduate / Writing Music Reviews (Common App Short Response) [10]

It wasn't until sixth grade that when my English teacher ...

Hey, maybe you should use some voice recognition software so that you can dictate instead of typing. I am the opposite of you: I express myself well in writing, but I fumble over words speaking aloud... and that makes me think of how our brains differ with regard to the way we process information.

You may be able to make this stronger by citing Gardner's "multiple intelligences" theory or some other work that shows how we all process information differently... that would be an impressive kind of reference for this essay.

Good luck!!

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

Bilal, I could have looked it up on wiki myself! Remember: never paste material into essay forum if it appears on other websites. Because of the nature of this site, no unoriginal content is allowed. I think maybe we need to explain that rule more clearly, because I know you would not have violated it if you understood it. But anyway, that is why i had to remove what you pasted in here.


I agree! Your explanation of voice seems to refer to using detail, punctuation, and imagery. These are important, but the metaphor of "voice" applied to composition still involves more, I think.

For example, I only know enough Spanish to say basic things, and I say them incorrectly. If I tried to write in Spanish, I could not have a particular kind of "voice" because my vocabulary is so limited. But in contrast, Stephen King as a very distinct voice. He uses small, simple words in ways that are so blunt that they hit you like a hammer. I really can almost hear his voice.

Ursula LeGuin is another author with a distinct voice -- so wise and playful.

Here is my argument: part of what makes an author's voice is in the mind of the reader. A writer's voice varies with the perspective of the reader.

I think voice is about the relationship between writer and reader.

Undergraduate / My career goals - need help getting started [4]

I always tell people they should be purposeful in writing admissions essays. you should have a strategy. your strategy has to be a strategy for influencing the person to accept you.

Therefore, it is useful to present yourself as someone who is single-minded about her career decision... completely passionate about the career choice AND this school. You have to impress them by showing that you are already knowledgeable about your chosen field, and then you have to impress them with how much you know about the resources that make this school absolutely perfect for you.

You have to make them feel like you are so motivated and passionate -- about a plan that involves attending this school --that rejecting you would be a crime against humanity!

Book Reports / Thesis Needed for Milton's Paradise Lost [4]

Let me share my strategy with you!

Read articles about it, read analyses of chapters, and reread selections of the book. As you do, I hope you will be in a creative state of mind. we all have different ways of getting into a creative state of mind.

While you bask in the indulgence, the crazy pleasure that is available in literature, you will have ideas come to mind. Capture them like butterflies and smoosh them onto the computer screen.

When you get a novel idea... you know... a unique insight about Milton's meaning... type it in a rhythmic sentence -- satisfying self-expression, like I am doing right now.

Next, support your idea by citing or quoting whatever it is that you were reading when you got the idea.

After that, keep reading and write a separate paragraph for each idea. Most paragraphs should have a citation or quote.

When you have about 10 paragraphs, look them over and see if you see a pattern, a theme that is emerging.

Do not make the mistake of trying to decide the theme of your essay before you start writing. Just blab ideas, cite sources, and let the theme emerge on its own. When the essay is all finished, write the introduction paragraph! :-)

Writing Feedback / Important teenage decisions should be taken by parents or elders [3]

Thanks, Arjun, I noticed some of the same things.

The age of fifteen is a time of numerous changes in a person.

Children at this age always want to express themselves and make their own decisions. ------> good sentence!

But anyway Nevertheless, parents still should make important decisions for their over 15 year-old children.

Undergraduate / My DECA Story... UC prompt #2 [2]

That 1st place trophy is a token that represents a tangible award, but it could mean less to me. I am more proud of symbolizes something important to me, but I find my greatest sense of fulfillment from the intangible awards: the big improvement I've made, the new self-image I've created, and the new self-confidence I now possess.

Here, above, I gave my idea and added a colon to help organize the sentence.

When you explain DECA as a club that you thought was for nerdy people, and then you go on to explain how your ideas changed... is that helpful in conveying the main idea of the essay? When you can state the main idea of the essay in a single sentence, you will know what material to cut. You'll cut the material that does not help get that main idea across.

So, I challenge you: tell the MAIN IDEA of the essay in a single sentence. And remember that the main idea has to answer the prompt.

What would that sentence be?

Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

Excellent, thanks! I see that you did get established as a contributor. That's great, and I really appreciate the good energy you are contributing here,

Blue Skies!

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]

It still fails to evaluate. I see that you write about the experience of getting over ugly prejudices, and you are writing a very thought-provoking essay... you also are a great writer. I just want to help you fulfill their "introspection" challenge...

An example of using conclusion sentences to EVALUATE is like this:
By the end of the long wait, the school generously provided me with a teacher and all possible resources to pursue English. Upon receiving the news, I floated off to seventh heaven while eagerly anticipating the time till my classes would commence . Reflecting on that experience, I realize that I should have balanced my enthusiasm with some careful consideration of my expectations.

That's just an example. the trick is to throw in some sentences that talk about the story from the perspective of the person you are today as you evaluate the experiences, the thoughts you had.

Undergraduate / Calli (Common App. Essay) - Something can fall in a heartbeat. [12]


Yes, you have to scratch that first sentence about knowing where it was. This sentence above would be a good first sentence if it was a sentence, but it is not yet a sentence because it has no verb! Fix this, and consider using it as your first sentence.

With this sentence... The extremity at which this cruelty hits can only be dreamed of by us. ---> I think you mean: The extent to which cruelty can impact us is only a concept to some people, but she deeply understood others' suffering and took action to give them relief.

Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

I swear, I stared at this for such a long time... the first time I didn't offer suggestions for cutting, because it is all so nicely written I did not have the heart. Now, after several more minutes of staring at it, I realized that it is that great material at the start that needs to be cut.

She stood on the corner waiting. It is early ...part of the experience.

Cut all that, and then add a little to this to get the main idea across: that you saw this little girl, and to you she represented the way school is supposed to be.

Keep this part:
Before she stepped into the gaudy-yellow school bus, she glanced over her shoulder, and looked at me. She gave me a faint smile and stepped into the bus, with only three other children inside.

Definitely keep the part about the smell. References to smell are powerful in writing.

Undergraduate / "I am an Athlete" - UC Prompt #2 [9]

I agree! It will be so much more intriguing if you start like this:
I was always that kid who had trouble getting up and...

That is a good sentence. This one, too: wondered what exactly it was about being shy that I had enjoyed.---> very clever!

You have a little more work to do, though: "How does it relate to the person you are?" What does this have to do with your intended major?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Parents are natural teachers [16]

You can sharpen your thesis a little. Instead of just saying how significant parents are, you can name the specific way in which they are most important. They are most important, because they interact with the child more than all other teachers. However, they are not the "best" teachers, because the best teachers are the best communicators, and parents do not always communicate well.

That is just an idea to help you give the essay more definition. I know this is for TOEFL. Here is one more correction:

Later on in life, children go to school to learn academic stuff. At this stage, the school's teachers play a crucial role in children's and adolescent lives.----> I changed it so that adolescent is used as an adjective.

Undergraduate / "born to immigrants from Japan and Croatia" - Common App Diversity Essay [3]

As the only first-generation daughter born to immigrants from Japan and Croatia, my upbringing was a strange blend of traditions and values. in the American tradition that most immigrants try to convert to.

I changed that first sentence, because I did not understand it! :)

Oh, my advice for you is this: look at each paragraph and name the main idea of it. Then you will see what components the essay has... what it consists of...

And it will be clear what the essay "stands for." Right at the end, you finally cme around to naming that main theme. You should add a sentence to the END of the FIRST paragraph that says this thesis statement in different words. Know what I mean? State the thesis in both the first and last paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Failed Descriptive Essay Subject Costa Rica [2]


No using cliches at EssayForum! :-)

Just kidding... cliches are people, too. By the way, thanks so much for all the help you have been giving people. Maybe you will get set up as a contributor and keep reading a few essays each week???

Forget the teacher. She might not be right; teachers ad cliches... are only human. Refine your spirit by assuming a tranquil state of mind and following her advice metculously. SHOW her that you are excited about the way your writing has improved as the result of her advice, and she will love you (and herself) a little more. It's easy to win teachers' hearts! Just appreciate them. This works especially well with bad teachers, because they so rarely experience being appreciated.

The first para of your essay here basically says Costa Rica is way cooler than people think. That is not a very meaningful thing to say. The trick is to say something outrageous, or even controversial. Can you write an intro paragraph about Costa Rica being the best place to visit for anyone who is a Gemini? That would grab my interest.

You can use the characteristics associated with that astrological sign to make this a strangely interesting essay.

Then, for the para about the sand and beaches, tell something about why a Gemini would like that. Do the same for each para, and it might even become funny.

Of course, this is just one idea. My point is that you MUST wait until you have some inspiration and write each essay as a work of art... do not just complete the task of expository writing about Costa Rica. Get inspired, make yourself laugh, and write an essay that uses a cool theme to explain Costa Rica.

Ha ha, you can argue that it is the best place to be if the whole world has a financial collapse and we sink into anarchy.

Don't forget to appreciate your teacher; maybe she is getting burnt out with her job...give her some love! ha ha

Undergraduate / "never to bet against my parents" - GRAMMAR EDITING [2]

Why is it one long paragraph? That is the most important thing. One idea, one paragraph... that is the rule.

A conversation about trying out for a music scholarship to our local private school evolved into a dare and ultimately became a high stakes bet: The loser would suffer we ek-long garbage duty and my high school future . (You need a little more explanation right here, and then do a paragraph break before saying you were accepted.)

Slow down, use paragraphs to keep ideas separate and clear.

This is great writing!! But you should start using paragraphs for the reasons God intended! :)

Hey, this sentence was already correct and very well written: Girls began to quietly shuffle in after me, no one daring to break the tense silence. ----> I like it!!

Essays / Do I even need too use alot of Quotes in a essay? [8]

Great question! Some profs get angry when students write a 10 page paper that is just one quote after another. They prefer if you paraphrase.

However, do not just rant about it without referring to the documents. That is a mistake, too. This is not a blog; you have to have your discussion rooted in the readings.

Look at your paragraphs, and decide what the main idea is for one of them. Then, skim one of the documents to find a phrase or sentence that supports your idea. Then, paste that quote into the paragraph! It only takes a minute to add a quote to a paragraph.

Start getting good at this stuff, and you will be a superstar in college.

Undergraduate / How I Role Model (UC PROMPT #1) [5]

I agree! A resounding thump? A startling thump? Maybe it is the word thump that sounds bad. But turbulance does not fit here. Startled by the sickening sound of something hitting the floor in the next room, I abandoned...

Relieved to know that no injury had been incur red, I went back...

Undergraduate / Prompt: Describe ex of your leadership. [3]

Ha ha ha, awesome, we need more people like you!! How could anyone not be impressed with this essay?

Well, actually, one reason someone might not be impressed with it is that they might disagree with you. Many people feel strongly that ferrets cannot be properly domesticated. You should cite some research that shows that ferrets can indeed be happy as pets. this ACCOMPLISHMENT is so impressive, the essay deserve to be supported with a citation or two. Cite some articles!

cababstractsplus.org/abstracts%5C/Abstract.aspx?AcNo=1982016 6164

Undergraduate / "Never Really Considered Myself...." --Common App Short Answer [3]

Run on sentence:
I never really considered myself to be quite the athlete; after years of dropped basketballs and tripping up in soccer I probably should've called it quits.----> I fixed it with a semi-colon.

Also, it is stylistically nice to keep things "parallel." like this: ... after years of dropping basketballs and tripping up in soccer, I probably should've called it quits.

Seems like a sentence is missing from the end. At the end, give the moral of the story! :-)

Essays / Influential Black Person (a local essay contest) [11]

Well, one good trick is to make the essay about Hendrix, but ACTUALLY make it about much more. Use Hendrix as an example of someone whose life teaches many lessons. We can learn from his successes and mistakes. See if you can get inspired by treating this as though it is an essay about fighting personal demons and tapping into artistic inspiration. You don't necessarily have to focus on adversity that came from skin color; that is what everyone else is doing...

Undergraduate / First generation student - Common App/ Topic of your choice [4]

Don't capitalize generation in that first sentence.

Use a hyphen for self-learn.

A little bit of assistance could be all help in the world to jumpstart their lives and get them back on track. When we help, whether it's directly a specific individual or to a group, we enable them to e ngage and thrive in society, school, and community.

Undergraduate / 'studying politics in-depth' - GWU essay about what influenced me to apply [4]

Out Of the many reasons that inspired me to apply ...

The George Washington University allows all these things to happen for me.

One thing you can do to make it stand out is to start with a sentence about politics -- not a sentence about politis being interesting to you. Grab the reader's attention at the start by making a thoughtful observation -- an idea that is unique and impressive. Give your best insight at the start, and you will win the reader's attention. It is difficult, though, to come up with something creative to say. Grab the reader's attention by sayinf something about why politics seems so meaningful to you.

Undergraduate / Essay about my experience - not possible to be specific!? [15]

Sorry, it has been busy here... took me a while to get to you.

The key to good writing is similar to good rap music or good "rapid induction" of hypnosis. You should not lull the reader into inattention by writing a lot of generalities. The thing to do is create an experience with each paragraph.

If you are writing about your experience in English class, that seems very broad. You should narrow the focus by writing about a specific experience.

Decide on a meaningful experience from class, and brainstorm a few related ideas. Let each idea have a para of its own. Start the essay with an intro that states clearly the main theme of the essay, and then the whole essay will be... fortified by the introduction.

The most important thing is to make every para meaningful -- no stating the obvious! Make each para worth typing. As long as the MAIN IDEA is worth writing about, and the subtopics are related to it, the essay will be great! 6 pages will be 1 intro para, 1 conclusion para, and about 16 paragraphs to support your main idea! Be brilliant!

Writing Feedback / Toefl;Government should definitely spend money in improving transportation services [2]

From the great, great work that margarita and rmli did, I can see that you have to work on a few minor things, like...

If you start a sentence with "Although," you do not need to use "but."
Although, many people argue that improving road conditions would reduce accident rates, but in my...

Also, rmli changed your ending to say "job offers," but you could also use the word "option" like you originally wanted to. You can write: All in all, improved transportation services would be beneficial to the general public by providing a healthier environment, improving funds for the government, and as well as create creating more job options for the public.

Above, I showed you the same thing the others showed: when you list several things, keep the verb forms consistent. In tis case, each item ends in ing. I hope that helps you to improve your skill!!