Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Should we replace normal classroom with online computer classes? [2]


Well you start with expressing your opinion on the argument. However, it is always good to finish your introduction with your opinion. You need to assume that the reader does not know anything about the prompt. Therefore you should first introduce the topic. Begin it with a hook statement that can grab the reader's attention towards your writing. However, it should provide you a good entrance to the prompt and therefore it should be relevant to the prompt. For example;

Nowadays, with rapid advancement of information communication technologies, distance learning and online classes has become a famous mode of delivering education.
Then introduce the argument in your own words;


Now state your opinion.

Undergraduate / From China - learning about American universities - Personal statement for transfer [2]


.... well I didn't run your essay on word count check, but feel it may be over 500 words. So here's some suggestion for trimming down the count;

Being born in a remote city of Mudanjing in the Northeast China, I spend my first nine years in a hulking apartment building paying with my buddies on the sandy school playground.


However, my family was not satisfied with what it provided for my future prospects because they believed that environment would ultimately determine a person's destiny


They constantly sought out ways and means to broaden my perspectives and enrich my outlook, giving me the exposure of new environments and things.

Undergraduate / I began my life with an unexpected turn; University of Colorado at Boulder Essay [2]


... what is the typical type of a person. I think we all are very different in many ways and at the same time we share many similarities. Therefore this I find as a very tricky sentence. You are comparing yourself with others without a proper definition for them. I feel you should play it safe;

Throughout my life, I found myself different form many of my peers.


when I was barely three years old, I got hospitalized.


.... I feel this is a bit too long.
I was in hospital for months and months while my condition was deteriorating each day. The doctors were confused with my condition and were helpless in controlling the rapid drop in my white blood cell count and I was almost nearing the death.

Graduate / I was lost, uninterested in classes; PTCAS- decision making process [2]


After two awful semesters of college, I felt the need for making a change.


.... better tell them in what capacity you joined them,


... combine the two sentences;
My thoughts were to get through basic training and tech school and then return to Arizona to finish my bachelor's degree because the military would help me pay for school while helping me with living expenses.


However, I then didn't have the least idea that this military exposure would help me understand myself better and find the path for my future.

Writing Feedback / Hobbies are a regular activities that is done for pleasure [2]


As we all know, hobbies are regular activities in which we engage for pleasure and relaxation during our leisure time. They can be both physical or mental activities.


There are many kinds of hobbies that can benefit not only the individual but also society at large.


Don't go back to a previous idea again. You already said that there are various hobbies. So this sentence sounds redundant.

Graduate / Teacher's Assistant in a class of 20 immigrants and refugees; Peace Corps Motivation [2]


This led me to develop an understanding of some challenges that our planet and society face today, as well as it inspired me to make positive changes in the areas of my involvements.


My motivation to join the Peace Corps was reinforced by an eye-opening experience I had when volunteering at a public education centre in Vancouver, Canada.



Most of them had migrated to Canada to escape from terrible hardships and even tragedies in their home countries.


yes they are and you are absolutely correct :)

Undergraduate / I have met all kinds of people; Rutgers- Benefit & Contribute from/to Rutgers community [2]


.... :D ... Interesting :)


I believe that my background makes me a perfect fit for Rutgers community; .... Now tell what your background is ....


You need to elaborate more on this... Don't make just statements. Talk through your experiences. Talk about your real life experiences of cultural diversity. That way you can impress the reader and more importantly, convince him.

Undergraduate / Kids' four square game - changes and adaptation to my surroundings [2]


On my first day at kindergarten, I felt pretty embarrassed with the stares of twenty fellow classmates set on me as I walked thirty minutes late. I quickly spotted a seat in a corner to settle down.

Well.... this is a kindergarten experience and I feel that's not an experience to get the reader believe your story. Why I say so is that it is unlikely one would remember the details of kindergarten experiences. Also, entering a class thirty minutes late at kindergarten level cannot be a big issue on a little kid. I think you better think about this point.


Do you have all these serious stuff at kindergarten? In my country it is mainly focused on playing games and learning ABC stuff ...


Day by day, my English speaking skills got improved.

Book Reports / Reading Assignment on The Kite Runnrt [2]


... Also, you should introduce Hassan too.
There are two main characters in the novel; Amir, the narrator and his friend and Hassan, the son of one his father's servants.... You can introduce Hassan in whatever way you like, but you need to talk something about him.

The conflict occurs because Amir is afflicted by guiltyguilt yet isfeeling too cowardly to atone.


you have already introduced the characters and now introduce the roots of the conflicts;
Amir found a great friend in Hassan and at the same time he envies his father's affection for Hassan.
I feel it is better you introduced them as characters at the beginning. What type of personalities that Amir and Hussan have got.

Undergraduate / Barnard Supplements: good match/ one woman/ unafraid/ perspective [2]


I would like to tell that in a different way;
I don't want to say that I did meticulously read through various college supplements or brochures and happily found Barnard as the best out of all because then I would be lying.


Even as a city girl, I had never considered myself as a "NewYorker".


My life journey so far has been shaped by an upbringing, which you may call mosaic.


I have been lucky enough to travel in multiple countries in this short period.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : Most important character [4]


Well ... I am not in favor this as a good hook. I find it is a bit too complicated and your idea does not come nicely. Have a simple and interesting sentence to open your essay. Your hook should come with a punch that makes the reader to stay with you until you finish your essay.


These two sentences do not provide a good entrance to introduce your topic as they have very very little relevance to your topic. Always align your writing with the prompt, otherwise it sounds as if you go out of topic. :(

Writing Feedback / Unreal movies are not worth watching - Toefl essay writing [7]


Hey.... open a fresh thread for this. You cannot post more than one essay in one thread as I understand. Be careful, if you violate forum rules they may suspend you. Open a new thread and copy paste this one in it. Make sure you include the purpose (I guess it is TOEFL) and the prompt there because they matter a lot for us to provide you good comments. I will surely give my comments once you do this. :)

Writing Feedback / Effect of Technology on Children - Persuasive [3]


Is this for a speech or for an essay writing task? It is important for us to know because the structure may vary greatly, so does its tone, depending on the purpose (speech or essay)


This is a great start for a speech, but if it's an essay you need to have more features into this introduction.


.... this has not come very cleraly;
Anyway, the demographic segment that we need to be really worried about is the smallest of all, the infants.
Actually, this is a very good topic because lots of people are giving a blind eye to it or not taking it too seriously. However, as you have rightly pointed out this can cause lots of damage to our future.

Undergraduate / My little piece of paradise; beauty is in the eye of the beholder [2]

It is good to have the purpose of writing. I guess this is for a class room assignment. Why I say that is when we know the purpose we can align our comments with the task, especially the tone, structure and the contents of your writing.


... I feel "in" is better.


....why not say - great grandparents ? ... also "young child" sounds redundant.
The house had always been continued to be rich in character since my grandmothers parents bought it when my grandmother was a child.


.... interesting :)
Overall, I find this is very interesting. Make sure you tell us something about why you write this essay, I mean the purpose, next time when you open a thread. Then we can give you more relevant comments :)

Undergraduate / Small taste of a world outside of my own; CU Boulder; Enrich community [2]


I like this part.... you have presented that idea very beautifully :)
Overall, I feel it is better if you came to the point ...


... a bit earlier. Here it is the last para that you touch upon it and it's a bit short too. You spent more time in explaining the experience that provided you with those insights. However, in my view, the focus of the prompt lies on that point. So I suggest you to give more prominence to that.

Undergraduate / 'contributing to the world' Center's G.O.A.L.S; Ohio State Honors Program Essay [2]


... I guess you have missed out something here.... Sounds a bit awkward :(
Our actions come from the truest testimony of our passions and motivations

Well... If I were you, I would have included one of the experiences I have gained or some real life incident I have faced to tell those things you have mentioned above. I think that's more convincing.

It seems you have got the best credentials and experience with you for this program. Also this is written well, but I feel it would sound much better if you present it a bit more lively.

Writing Feedback / Unreal movies are not worth watching - Toefl essay writing [7]

Movies are worth watching for us .


.... this sentence is not at all clear :( You need to improve its clarity.
This is what I suggest;
However, some people still hold the view that watching a movie is waste of time.


.... I really cannot understand this idea. Well, I think you need to pay attention to grammar and sentence construction. Follow the structure dumi suggested to you. Do more essays and post them here. I will try my best to provide you with my feedbacks :) Also, read others' essays that are written on similar threads. It's another effective way of improving your writing skills and especially to gain good marks at the TOEFL. :)

Writing Feedback / if it should be parents who choose the partner of their children [5]


Arranged marriages have been a controversial issue of all times.


Some people believe that parents should choose the marriage partner for their children while others vehemently disapprove this approach.



Good idea, but needs improvement in clarity;
To begin with, in an arranged marriage, there is very little prior knowledge about each other's character. This situation may easily lead to many disappointments and disagreements in marital life.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay: Is increasing working hours leads to economic success? [4]


A healthy man is more productive than a person with many health issues.
I like if you say this same idea a bit differently;
For a person to be more productive at work place, he or she needs to be physically and mentally healthy.


Working extended hours may lead to many stress related health issues that can seriously affect one's productivity.


.... They don't sit behind a computer, but in front of the computer. Actually, they spend most of the time looking at the monitor screen.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Reduce air travel to protect the environment. Agree or Disagree ? [2]


You don't have the presence of a hook in your introduction that helps grab reader's attention to your writing. This is the structure dumi suggests for the intro and I think it is very logical and would help you earn more marks.

Writing Feedback / In many cases the development of a country is accompanied by pollution and environmental d [4]


.... what do you mean by "turn of current century"? This sentence is not strong enough to be a good hook :( With this sentence you open your essay and therefore it should be powerful enough to draw the reader's attention towards your writing.


I am strongly agreeing / I strongly agree ... "I strongly agree" is the better form :)


Don't single out one particular industry because your prompt is based on all industries. You can highlight a particular industry in your examples. Otherwise you cannot align your writing with what your prompt suggests.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL improve the quality of education,more money should be spent on professors' salaries [5]

:D .... Here I am :D


.... here you don't align your view with what your prompt talks about. You need to clearly say that whether you agree that professors' salaries should be increased in order to improve quality of university education or not. Do not say that indirectly, but make a clear statement that gives your view direct to the reader.


.... the word "one" gets repeated. Also it should be always "one of the many". For example, one of my friends, one of the schools, one of our children .... the subject should always be in plural form because you are going to single out one from many.


... here it's correct :)

Writing Feedback / Some people think that increasing business and cultural contacts have positive influences [7]

your prompt -


Your introduction -


Here, you do not talk anything about the specific aspects ( business and cultural contacts) that you prompt mentions. The main objective of the introduction is to introduce your prompt to the reader and therefore your intro should be well aligned with the prompt. I suggest you to follow the structure that dumi suggests for the introduction.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Has the change of easier food preparation improved the way people live? [4]

You can write well. However, as dumi suggested above, you need to pay more attention to the essay structure. She has given the structure you need to follow for your essay introduction. Then comes the body paragraphs where you give reasons to justify your position on the argument and support those reasons with specific examples. I don't find that's happening with this body para.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: EDUCATION MUST BE COMPULSORY ? [5]


... when you use the word "such" it refers to some idea which has been told to the reader previously. However, this is the first sentence of your body paragraph and generally a paragraph starts with a new idea. So I find this word is inappropriate to use in the at place.


This sentence is pretty confusing due to its poor construction and organization. You need to re-write this to enhance its clarity.
Children are easily influenced by social factors and therefore the schools' responsibility for adjustingmolding their attitudes must be addressedto be more productive to society.

Writing Feedback / Some people say that increasing working hours leads to economic success [5]


Yes.... this is important for us to understand the objective of your prompt. Without seeing the prompt, we may provide you with irrelevant comments :)


With what you have given for the title, I cannot connect what you have written above. Have you posted some other essay under this title? Your title talks about working hours and what you have written above talks about credentials and experience of workers. :(

Writing Feedback / toefl writing task 2, Many parts of the world are losing important natural resources [5]

I find it's very difficult to follow your essay. It looks very untidy with sentences starting with simple letters. If you expect us to go through your essay and provide you with meaningful comments you should present your essay in a more readable manner. Also it is difficult to identify the paragraphs separately too.


This is your hook, but it lacks enough clarity. The most important thing in writing is clarity of ideas.
Hope you re-post this essay with a more neat and tidy look !

Writing Feedback / IELTS - A gift can be in any form! [3]


.... make one feel special


This sentence is too long and poorly organized. Write shorter sentences with one sentence per idea. Otherwise they would have less clarity.


....gift is a reward and the purpose of giving someone a gift is to motivate.
I think you need to pay attention to organizing your ideas because that weakness I find throughout your essay. It is important to arrange your ideas logically and then present them to flow in a more organized manner.

Writing Feedback / Unreal movies are not worth watching - Toefl essay writing [7]

Yes.... I too agree.... You need to follow a proper essay structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay: Is increasing working hours leads to economic success? [4]


Profit maximization is the main goal of any company.


.... productivity of whom? You need to mention that.


... the latter part is pretty confusing :(
It is traditionally believed that productivity is linked to longer working hours.


I believe that increased working hours would lead to social and health issues such as family problems and stress related health issues.

Writing Feedback / International tourism promotes many aspects of the destination country's economy [3]

Let us take Cambodia for example. A large number of foreign tourists arrive there in view of visiting Angkowat ancient temple. This creates a great demand for the services like restaurants, hotels, souvenir shops and other stores. Such demands give rise to many employment opportunities for the local people while helping the locals to have improved infrastructure with higher living quality.


To conclude, international tourism help boost economic development by creating new streams of foreign exchange income and employment opportunities for the local people. It also helps maintain the cultural values of the host nation. Therefore, the positives of international tourism certainly outweigh its negatives.

Writing Feedback / Expanding a ban on texting, talking on the phone and internet access while driving [5]


... wrong grammar !
There are some other phone applications that are not yet banned.


Therefore I am of the opinion that the city of Austin should extend the recent ordinance to accommodate such applications like texting, accessing internet etc. that can lead to dangerous consequences if allowed while driving.


... why do you say they go hand in hand? I guess what you wanted to mean is that they all can cause the same dangerous results. Hand in hand is not the appropriate usage to mean that.

While driving, texting and the Internet access can be as dangerous as talking on the phone.

Writing Feedback / Essay about Children engaged in part time job. Is it good or bad. Discuss. Feedback [4]


This sentence is too long and therefore it does not flow clearly. Split them into two;
On the other hand, groups who encourage children to engage in paid work claims that it helps them learn value of money. They assert that it is a welcoming concept that help ease the parents' burden on financing their children's education.


You need to support these reasons with more specific examples. That is the best way to convince reader about your reasoning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : Replace art, sport, music by IT ? [3]


You write well.... However, you need to work on making your introduction more effective to earn full marks on it. You do not have a hook for this intro, which is the statement that grabs the readers attention. Also, you can introduce the background of this argument better. This is what dumi suggests for the intro.

Writing Feedback / information technology make a polarised society and this will lead to serious social [5]


....some and certain mean the same. So one word makes the other redundant.


After reading your prompt above I think you need to pay attention to the structure of your introduction. It is not structured properly to introduce your topic in an interesting way to the reader. Introduction plays a vital role in impressing the reader because if he or she cannot understand what you are going to discuss, then it's very unlikely they'll follow the rest. I'm quoting dumi's suggestion for you to follow for your introduction.

Undergraduate / First generation college student in my family ; COMMON APP [2]

It's good if we know your prompt because we have no idea as to why you wrote this response. I hope you post it here soon :)


.... This is your hook statement and therefore it should be more catchy. This sounds incomplete :(
Deciding on how to push myself on my own wasn't impossible, but it was a struggle.


I can understand your pressure :)



I was pushed by my parents, like many others did, during the years in High School.


It's not because they didn't care, but because they didn't understand what were the acceptable grades.

Writing Feedback / An important decision(hope someone revise it,thanks a lot) [4]


The purpose of my visit to school that day was to meet my favorite English teacher, Mr Zhang to seek his advice on ????? (tell on what you sought advice)


... was it an overall bad performance and hew was suggesting you to specialize in languages as an option to divert your stream to something you do better? That is not clear and you better give a bit more details about that.


I knew my mom's wish was to see me being a doctor like my older brother. Or
I knew my mom was very keen on seeing me becoming a doctor like my older brother.

Writing Feedback / Possible ways of encouraging the use of public transport [4]


... pay attention to grammar
The incidents such as stealing do frequently happen inside public buses.


... This idea is already said once. So, I don't find any value addition from this sentence.


Tell how it can be improved and give examples for such situations.

Writing Feedback / Essay about Children engaged in part time job. Is it good or bad. Discuss. Feedback [4]


What is your opinion about this ? It is better you state it in the introduction. Apart from that point, this is a very good introduction.


This sentence is too very long and therefore it has lesser clarity. Write simple and interesting sentences. Do not cramp up sentences with too many ideas.

First, those who oppose children engaged in part time jobs argue that it is a distraction for the studies of such children and they may not perform with studies.


Give a specific example for this. It is much more effective than giving more and more facts because examples are powerful in convincing the reader.

Writing Feedback / Read for pleasure can help develop better imagination and language skills than watching TV [3]

Had you included the prompt, it would have been easier for us to align our comments with what it requires. Please do it next time when you open a new thread. Also, are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL?


I perceive that both types of entertainment offer different benefits to people. However, reading contributes much more than watching TV in respect of imagination and improving language skills.


It is true to a great extent because movies being an audio visual media, they are much more effective in conveying messages to people in contrast to reading a book.