Undergraduate / obstacle and family history, culture - UCF personal statement essay [3]

Don't say "loss of one of my cousins" twice in a row at the start. Instead, give more details the second time -- you know what I mean? In that second sentence of the essay. Oh, I see, in the second sentence of the essay you should write a sentence with the word suicide instead of writing "loss of one of my cousins" twice.

You should write that she "seemed more like a sister than a cousin." The way you wrote it here seems confusing, like, is it a cousin or a sister?

Instead of well connected, you could write tight-knit. Well-connected often is used to mean that you know powerful people.

Use a dash here:
When I went to the funeral I all I could think about were the memories -- that I could remember with her in it, the playing in grandmas front yard during 4th of July, the time when she let the ferret go and it climbed all over my body, and the wedding where I saw her that I just saw her at not 2 or 3 only two months before her awful decision. she committed suicide.

I'm so sorry to hear this story. I'm not just saying that to be polite; this must be such frustrating heartache.

Okay, so, now you shoule write a little at the end about a clear vision for the future, including details, all about how this helped you to firm your resolve about studying... what? What are your plans for the future?

Undergraduate / COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ~ Hospital volunteer [4]

Use a comma after staff members.

Nice! The sentence with the word thrill in it is very well structured, nice rhythm. Oh, you are good; the sentence you started with "having" is very good.

It really is very impressive writing. I hope you'll check out the EF Contributor page (link below) and become a volunteer here part time too! It looks good on applications... :)

Undergraduate / "Moving on" - impact on my life UF essay :) [3]

I think you should use " " marks and reword like this:

"Moving on" is a term that is understood to refer to the act of...

You should start a new paragraph with the sentence, "I was a twelve year-old..."

When you do that paragraph break, your first para will seem very short. It will need one more sentence added -- one that explains the main idea of the essay... the moral of the story.

As it is now, you do a paragraph break after "impossible task" but it is not necessary to do a break there.

the "what if" questions of my past...

Okay, yes, I think the last sentence of your first paragraph should tell the reader that the process of leaving your comfort zone made you realize that you are interested in psychology and culture. That is impressive. You should also make room to elaborate, and tell the reader about specific classes you want to take and specific goals you have developed.

In that last paragraph, you use "realize" twice, too close together. Use a different word or term..like, I gained the insight that...

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / Common Application: influential figure [3]

Great, great essay. Nothing is as important in admission essay writing than to offer the reader some relief from the same old stuff. You write very well already, so I can't help with that, but I can tell you it is possible to add more depth to this. For example, you can talk about how your mole makes other insecure people feel less insecure. In the sense that you are able to help people feel at ease, like that one armed golfer did for you, it is BETTER to have the mole than not have it. If you were flawless you would intimidate everyone. You can go very deep into the implications of this truth, and you can even segue into writing about how this realization has prepared you to succeed in college.

Undergraduate / "flight 931!" - UF ESSAY draft can someone revise it [3]

Brandy, that is a great contribution, thanks!

Hi Maritza,
I think you did a great job of explaining that you have more APPRECIATION for what you have now. So, you are ready to make the most of the opportunity to succeed in college. That is the way to start, I think. I do agree that you should spend a few paragraphs talking about how this experience will affect the contribution you make in college. You might be thinking that you would not have appreciated college as much if you had not taken this trip.

The way to do it is to provide specific examples of ways you hope to contribute. You should be full of ideas. How much do you know about the school? Is it possible to start a club to help people in poor countries? Would you be willing to start such a club? Is humanitarian work in any way related to your intended major?

Writing Feedback / Ode to a nightingale by John Keats [2]

...and thoughts by using multiple techniques different ways .

It looks like you need one more sentence in that first paragraph. Write a sentence that lists the things you will cover: This paper is intended to discuss the metaphor, conflict, imagery...

Yes, that last sentence of the first paragraph should be a little like a Table of Contents. It should show the reader what the essay "consists of."

Then, you need to add a conclusion paragraph that is similar to the intro. The essay should not just end with a paragraph about conflicts. End it with a recap of all that you covered.

Writing Feedback / Poetry Analysis Essay: Dylan Thomas- "Do Not Go Gently into That Good Night" [2]

In that first sentence, you don't need a comma after the title of the work.

Hey, what does this mean? steel his reserve... I don't know, maybe it is an expression I have not heard. Should it be "steel his resolve"??

Wow, this is so excellent!! You must have drawn great inspiration from the poem. The last sentence of the first paragraph and last paragraph are so great. You can make this stronger by connecting the two better. the last sentence of the first para is about being passionate and valiant right until the "end" (I don't think it is actually an end; we see replication everywhere in life as we become one another over the course of myriad lifetimes), but the end of the last paragraph is about how he needs his father to be strong for him, too. Those are subtly different. Choose which will be your main point, and make little adjustments to celebrate the main idea more.

But actually, it is already SO excellent. Ha ha, not clunky at all. Please check out the EF Contributor page (link below)

Undergraduate / 'To be influential' commonapp essay [5]

...asked a question that I had been trying to answer for years: 'Mum...

Oh, I really love the question you asked, and I love what you wrote about how a beggar can find more happiness!! That is a great start. Congratulations for having so much wisdom...

This is too general: Now, here my life goal is: to influence other people in positive ways. Instead, say something specific. You want to help people to APPRECIATE what they have.

At the end of the essay, talk about the beggar and the rich person again. Make the last paragrah remind the reader of that idea from the first paragraph.

:-) You are great!!

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors-Internet is a boon to Intellectual Development [2]

One way to make it shorter and also better is to eliminate unnecessary words:

At 4:00 PM on Friday and the freshman was already at his desk, laboring over his homework.

Little revisions like that make it so the reader has to read fewer words and get the same experience.

Same here:
Another Two hours or so of intense work went by, but the boy remained adamant in his attempt to fill the void with about acquiring as much knowledge as possible.

See how it is nicer to read when you have fewer words?

That is why they challenge you to get it down under the word count. Less is more.

With this sentence, you need the word "have" if you talk about the Internet and something else:
In my experience, the Internet and most other forms of technology have been inherently useful. ----> wait a minute, scrap that whole sentence, because of course the internet is useful. Don't state the obvious! Instead, you could say that for you the internet has been useful in a special way.

You write very well, keep revising!!!

Graduate / SOP for Muskie Graduate Program [6]

Oh, I see what you mean! Thanks for explaining that about the program; you made me a little better at my job!

Okay, well, I still disagree about answering the question at the start. You should establish a theme at the start, and intrigue the reader if you can. People who read this kind of essay are used to being bored by boring writing -- you know, because it is usually boring to read what people say all about themselves... but if you can make a brilliant point at the end of the first paragraph, it will intrigue the reader.

For example, once I read an essay about how boys are treated differently than girls by parents and teachers. Someone wrote, "We treat boys like they have to be tough, and we treat girls like they should be cute, so it is no wonder that we entrust our most important leadership positions to men and leave women with a 'glass ceiling' that prevents their advancement." And it made me say, wow, I never thought of it that way!!

Can you do something similar? At the end of the 1st paragraph, make an observation that makes the judge say, "I never thought of it that way!"

That is hard to do, though. for example, what if you write about "meditation" and soccer, and what if you write about how meditation takes many forms -- and that you found your meditation in soccer. Everyone has their own ideas about meditation, so the reader suddenly feels like part of the essay. Or, you might come up with something even better. But the trick is to say at the end that info systems is another kind of meditation, like football (soccer).

With this kind of essay, you succeed if you intrigue the reader. :)))

Essays / CBEST exam topic ideas? [12]

Everyone has different ways of processing information, so what is right for me might now be what is right for you. For me, it is EASY to write if I just read a few articles about the topic. While I read, I get ideas, and I write a sentence. But the sentence needs to be explained, so I write another sentence! Then, I write one more and conclude the paragraph!

So... writing and reading and writing and reading...

Undergraduate / "It's a Sign" + " Artistic Interpretation" [4]

Hi Ninja, I love your username. Hey, I see some of the encouraging responses you gave people, and that is very nice, but now I can see that you have the necessary knowledge to help a lot more than you do. You only give a single sentence of feedback!! So, please share your skill and help a few other people by giving more feedback. I can't do it all by myself! :-)

I thought communication was not a problem; I believed that there is a common language in the world: music.----> this shows the correct way to use colon and semi-colon.

I think you should take that sentence and make it the last sentence of the first paragraph. But if you do that, you need to talk about music again in the LAST paragraph. An essay should do this:

Say it
Explain it
Say it again

"It" is your meaningful theme, your main idea.

Now, I am looking for "It" in your second essay, too. What is the main idea... persistence? Yes, I think it is, so use the word "persistence" again in the last paragraph of the second essay.

also: And I truly believe myself to be someone who can become a great artist someday.

You seem to have done an excellent job mastering English. As a bilingual person, you can help a lot of other people. Please check out ef-contributor-page but only if you are willing to give more than just a sentence of feedback to each person. If you become a contributor, it looks good on applications...

:)) thanks! Great essays!!

Undergraduate / University of Michigan (Issue of Local Concern) [5]

Vehement does not seem to fit here:
I'm cheering vehemently and jumping out of my seat...

Hey, great job, this is really well-written. I suggest something a little different; instead of omitting the last paragraph, I think you should make a strong connection between the issue of concern and your intentions to major in business. You can help a lot of people if you make noble decisions as a businessperson -- and it is possible to write a brilliant paragraph about how you will use your education to achieve purposes related to this dilemma. You will be able to be a key player in the game of decision-making.

Writing Feedback / "Human needs..": Disagree or agree. [2]

Wow, nice job. You will do very well, for sure.

If you want to make this even better, you can read this earthwatch.org/aboutus/research/voices_of_science/future_lif e_interview_e_wilson/ and maybe include a section on eco-tourism.

Recently, a statistics demonstrates that...after this sentence, cite your source by putting the author's name in parentheses. Then, at the end of the essay, write "Works Cited" and put the information about the article in MLA citation style (google that if necessary.) You can do that same to cite the article I linked you to above. That will go a LONG way to impress the reader.

My friend Floria is a good example to which can support this idea.

Undergraduate / my brother leaves for war-common app essay [3]

Great job with this one. It shows that you write well, but it also shows how INTROSPECTIVE you are... and that is impressive! This will probably be read by an admissions person who has raised teenagers and will feel consolation in those first sentences. However, I recommend this:

Four years ago, I was of course, like every other a "typical " teenager: moody...

Now how about referring back to that at the end of the essay? Oh... I see that you do refer back to it... great job!! Now, if you take my advice, you can use the word typical in " " marks again at the end. And this last sentence is too awkward! Don't allow yourself to leave sentences like this in your essays -- you owe it to the reader to clean it up. :-)

Now, four years later, I remain mindful of the still keep close to me the impact significance of these lessons have made on me and of the fact that without them if I didn't experience a situation as such, I would not have grown to be a better person, the person I am today. (now add one more powerful sentence).

Undergraduate / "Survivial of the Fittest" - UCF ESSAY - BUMP IN THE ROAD [3]

...years of bottling my worries up finally took their toll.

I had reached rock bottom; I felt alo ne, with no will to live on.

This is great! It seems incomplete, though. Can you take this opportunity to write a few sentences about research articles you have read about GAD? That would be very impressive!

Undergraduate / Statement - I come to Brooklyn to teach these kids [4]

Clearly, whoever said that has never ...

That is just an idea I had. "Well" is a weak word.

No comma after feisty: precious, feisty children

I had come to Brooklyn to teach these kids; instead, I became their student.

Yes, this really is great. It is an admissions essay, though, so I think it is a good opportunity to connect this experience with your ideas about the future. I often advise people not to let the WHOLE essay be narrative storytelling, but instead to make some room for reflection in the intro and conclusion. What do you think? You certainly do reflect very thoughtfully, but I think you should add some reflection on how this relates to your academic and professional future.

Essays / Pride in one's own heritage, and prejudice against others. [3]

Great question!! I have to give my honest opinion and say there is no difference -- none at all. You can take pride in being a gentle person, but it is not appropriate to take pride in having been born in a particular country. It doesn't make sense. Therefore, it is only prejudice. If you want some good ideas, google around to find articles about nationalism and "stranger fear."

Undergraduate / "the ideal ethnicity" - U of Mich - Diversity Short Answer [4]

Excellent! I think you should repeat again later in the essay that this happened in middle school -- you could name the grade. And then you could make this more substantial by talking about a similar conversation that occurred recently... a conversation in which you helped another person to hav the same realization. After that, if you conclude by mentioning what this has to do with your intended major, that will be excellent.

Undergraduate / A Bit Unlikely, Common App Personal Essay-Influential Fictional Character Prompt [6]

I often recommend that people condense the story they told, like yours, and make room to talk about a clear vision for the future. Who has the audacity to deny admission to a student who has planned out her/his life meticulously!? If you write a paragraph about how this helped you to decide on a major -- and give details -- that will do the trick.

Essays / Grad School Personal statem. in Childhood Education Major; from art to education [9]

Yes, the key word is "personality." I use Questia, but it costs money. there are plenty of free article available with Google Scholar. So... see what people have written about it by searching for this:

inheriting personality characteristics.

Undergraduate / Tootsie Herndon - Someone who has impacted your life. [4]

Use a comma:
...my grandmother, Tootsie Herndon.

Capitalize those God pronouns:
...took her when He did was to...

...and see your picture pop up.

Wow, I am sure you will win the reader's heart with this; great job!

...in worse situations then mine .

Now... if you still want to improve it, write a paragraph about how your grandmother's influence helped you to become sure about your choice of career, college major, etc. Eve if you are not certain yet, you should write as though you have your life planned out with passion.

Graduate / SOP for Muskie Graduate Program [6]

Hello, wow, you put a lot of work into this essay, but your first paragraph doesn't embody your statement of purpose. You are a very good writer and have several great ideas, but you should condense them to three or four, and concentrate mainly on what you really need to say about your future plans and the school. For example, you could research the school online and talk about which things about it appeal to you. You could name certain professors and mention which one(s) you would love to study under. What does this particular school have to offer?

You might also want to check out our contributors page. You could help a lot of people and it would look good on applications!

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Stanford) - Topic of your Choice (English major) [3]

Your essay is so great I can hardly find anything to offer as advice for making it better! Just a few things though, are the first sentence has a glitch, (By the time I entered I entered ) and a quick read through to check punctuation. But also, your introduction is not as attention grabbing as it could be. How would you feel about making your last paragraph your opening? You'd need to change the first sentence and tweak the paragraph slightly, but where you write, "My major? English" is a cool thesis statement.

Think about changing the order of the paragraphs, maybe condense some of the parts about your family and focus more on why your major is English.

Your writing reminds me of a book called, "If You Can Talk, You Can Write". You write with great clarity and description: once the crucibles of my parent's hopes and desires, had turned out to be little more than stones around our necks. You should check out the contributor page! You could help a lot of people and it would look great on applications!

Undergraduate / ESL teacher, Paul Thomas was the funniest person I ever knew ; My best teacher [17]

Really he is the best teacher, I have ever seen. ----> this sentence is not so good. You already explained that he is a great teacher, and you did a great job explaining it! He must have dne a great job helping you learn English!! But replace that sentence with a sentence that captures the main idea of your essay.

...give some advice . "Advice" is like "water." You don't have to add s.

Oh, that last paragraph is no good!! Don't keep saying he is your best teacher. Only say it once. In fact, don't say it at all; in writing, we say, "Show, don't tell." That means you should rely on the examples instead of stating facts simply.

You did do a great job of explaining why he is so great. Maybe the last paragraph should tell about how he is a great teacher AND a great person.

Undergraduate / "From my heart 'till the end" - UF, UCF, UM Essay [9]

Noto, you are a hero.

Undergraduate / "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" - Topic of your Choice Essay [4]

Your first paragraph is so excellent, I don't even think you need to revise it. Ordinarily I would tell you to revise it to include a thesis statement, the answer to their question... but I don't want to mess with perfection!

However, you really should start para #2 by directly telling them what the experience is that you are writing about... the main theme of the essay. Don't leave us guessing. Don't start it by saying, "In the first grade..." because that makes the reader say, oh boy, here we go... another life story.

However, it is excellent!! You have a great personality, I can tell.

I have realized that it is time to stop wasting my energy on magical transformations. ----> This sentence is funny and cool! I wonder if it is possible to make it the attention grabber, the sentence that begins the essay...no no, you already have a great beginning. How about making that the first sentence of the last paragraph, just switching the order?

Undergraduate / 'He-Who-Taught-Me-Many-Things' - Common Application Prompt #4 [3]

The first paragraph is very impressive, your use of the concept of escapism in particular. However, that paragraph is not related to the rest of the essay! Can you mention escapism later on, briefly, instead?

I really like the sentence about explaining the absurdity; that is very cool!! I almost wish it was the first sentence of the essay. the first sentence is very important, as you know.

Oh, your last sentence is great, too!! Good thought.

...extreme character whose... no comma necessary.

Undergraduate / DICKINSON C SUPPLEMENT (SCIENCES& ARTS) [11]

Okay, in your introduction paragraph, you should write a little about the essay and cite Rush. It will be super impressive if you put a little "Works Cited" list at the end and have it say:

Rush, Benjamin. name of essay. year.

Make this an essay about his essay, not just about you. Make it about both.

I think you should try to figure out the main idea of the essay -- this one, not the one by Rush. Convey that main idea in the first paragraph. Then talk about it again in the conclusion.

When you talk about wanting to be a psychologist, you can make a better impression if you say what kind -- cognitive therapist, existential therapist, psychoanalyst? Even if you are not sure, choose one in order to show off a little.

The essay is hard to follow because it is about so many different things. The intro paragraph is the place to tell the reader what is coming and how all the subjects relate to the main idea. :)

Good luck!! I look forward to the next draft!!

Undergraduate / Becoming A Tibetan Boy [6]

Good!! This shows that you are thoughtful and that you can write well. Since you are using it for your applications, though, I think you should try to make some connections with your academic aspirations. For example, did this experience give you any insight into what you want to do for a living as an adult?

I think you should take out some of the details in order to make room for a paragraph about how the experience changed you, and how it strengthened your resolve to be a ________ or to accomplish_______??

We hung posters all over the campus. (I think "posted posters" is not good) :-)

So, it will be great if you can condense this and make room for an intro and conclusion that reflect on the story and what it means for you as an intellectual person. Frame this story about what happened in between a good into and conclusion that both reflect on it.

Writing Feedback / LEGALIZATION OF SAME SEX MARRIAGE - revise my introduction, argumentative paper. [32]

...because they view homosexuality as a...

Later on in this paragraph, you say, "However, several others believe homosexuality to be a personal choice," but you already said that.

I think you might be making writing harder than it has to be. When you write a paragraph, think of it as a great celebration of a single idea. The paragraph is an explanation for its topic sentence.

If you think that way, it might help you a lot.

Oh, I notice you use repetition too much in that introduction... too much "imagine." Only two or three times would be better.

I think you can do a great job with this if you read some articles people have written about the issue. Read a few online! Good luck!!!!

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

Start your writing process by writing a paragraph about each article you read. When you have lots of paragraphs, go back and add the introduction.

As for citations, it is a simple matter of putting the name of the author in parentheses after what you write (Hacker).

If you quote the person, put the page number too. One author writes, "Use MLA style citations correctly" (Hacker 49).

There is more to it than that, but that is the basic idea...

Undergraduate / UF AND UM Essay - (7 can claim divination) [3]

It was then since my freshman year of high school, I came...

I wonder what this sentence was supposed to say... It was then, during my freshman year of high school... is that how it should be?

In order to know what to write, you have to think of your purpose. You should probably focus on showing how driven and determined you are, how sure you are about your plans for the future. I actually think you could condense this material into a sentence or two! All the dialogue is unnecessary, for example.

Think about your purpose... broaden the experience to include the whole day and some revelations you had about your academic future.

Undergraduate / CARE PROGRAM - Why I would like to participate in the CARE program [4]

The start of that last paragraph is not very god... last but not least is a cliche, and busting one's butt is not a good expression to use in formal writing. :)

I suggest scrapping the whole second paragraph. However, paragraph one is very good; it wins the reader's heart, I think!

Undergraduate / Why I want to study engineering/Computer Science. Fu Foundation Short Answer [5]

Great job, but it can be even better. How about writing about them in comparison with one another... or how they can go together in your life? You can also make it more meaningful by thinking of what your philosophy of life is, and how it leads you to these interests.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay--"A Dramatic Turn of Events" [4]

Wow, I really like the sentence about it possibly being a freak accident or a grudge.. Actually, I don't like the first paragraph so much, don't think it really helps. I suggest starting the essay with this:

During my seventh grade school year, I was placed in an eighth grade Algebra class...

That is an interesting start! What do you think? Also, it will be good if you take out other sentences that do not "help." Try to eliminate everything that can be eliminated without the essay losing meaning... condensing is refining. You already write very well, so the trick now is to work on efficiency.

Undergraduate / Common App (Elaborate on an Activity - Baseball) [4]

I think you need "led" as the past tense of "to lead."

Also...

...never occurred to me that I might not make ...

Undergraduate / 'From blank page to meaningful work' - event accomplishment or experience [4]

You might want to experiment with telling the story in the present tense: She examines her new shoes as the bus pulls up.

But if you do that, use a paragraph break to show when you are starting to reflect on the story.

You know, if you take out all that is unnecessary and put these two together... is that even possible? It would be great if you write that your inspiration to create portraits somehow comes, in part, from your aunt.

Undergraduate / 'School bus and sirens' - Meaningful Event/Experience-Does this qualify? [9]

Try something that is not as cliche as "light at the end of the tunnel." Can you think of your own metaphor?

If you have time to work with this some more, I think you should condense the story into half the size and spend much more of the essay answering their question about how it will affect the contribution and success you will provide as a student there.

Your writing is excellent! The story is told very well. If you check out the contributor page, maybe you can help a lot of people -- especially those who don't speak English well.

Undergraduate / "The world is a puzzle" - rutgers essay [5]

Don't be redundant:
The world is a puzzle; each piece is unique and different in its own way.

That picture is the world; each culture plays an important role in the world. represents the collective wisdom of...

This is very thoughtful!! Much of it is very impressive. You just need to weed out every sentence that is unhelpful. Every statement of the obvious, every redundant statement. But the thoughts are very good. I think you will enjoy readng about Fairbairn's structural theory because of your idea of the world being a puzzle -- I really enjoyed that.