Writing Feedback / Original writing (ą 25 minutes): Bulgarian expatriates' education levels [3]

Hi Shinta, first of all, I hope you don't mind me addressing you in your second bame, it just remind me of an Indonesian friend who is very dear to me.

Moving on, I love the fact that you posted the graph in the essay, most essays don't have them. Now, what I notice as well in your essay is the choice of words that you used in your, some are missing an 's' and some are missing, the form of some words needs to be taken into consideration too, make sure that when your analysis is done in a present tense, regardless of the time the data is taken, the verb form should take the present tense.

When you do the revision keep your numbers and symbols in a uniform approach, this means you can keep the same form that you have written in the original essay.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 1] A comparison of money spent on three common fast foods in the UK in 1990 [2]

Hi Lita, first of all, I'd like to share my thoughts on the way your analysis is written, not just yours but most of the analysis I read is written this way;

- introduction
- overall analysis
- body of analysis
- conclusion

Now, I'm not sure if this is how its done theaes days but looking back, reviewing the methods and forms on writing an analysis, the overall analogy should be written in the end or in the conclusion of the essay.

However, I must say that your analysis is written well, I love the fact that you were able to play with words in your essay in order to make sure that the graph is elaborately explained and that the analysis is delivered properly. I hope my insights helped and I wish you the best of luck!

Writing Feedback / The consumption cost of individuals in several items in five various countries during 2012 [2]

Hani, first thing that I notice in your analysis is the use of punctuation marks, instead of using a comma (,), yoi used a back slash (/), I'm not sure if this is how you would like to present your analysis, believe me, this is how I would like to have it presented, however, considering the facts that this is an analysis, having said that makes your analysis a formal essay and this merits the correct use of punctuation marks.

Moreover, the analysis is written well, I love the fact that the information is accurately analyzed and the description of the information is duely presented. It is very efficient and the numbers are justified, meaning, well analyzed.

There you have it Hani, I hope my insights help strengthen your stand in delivering a good analysis and keep up the good work.

Graduate / One part of a case study on marketing strategies [4]

Hi Serena, as I read and understand your essay, I must say that what I notice is the direct translation of the English language from your mother tongue, as English is not your mother language, you tend to explain or express yourself in a form you would understand in your own language, yes, this is fine, however, when you read it as a third party reader, it just doesn't flow as easy as you would in your native language.

Believe me, this is a common issue that each and everyone including me, has to gp through before we can master the language, the best thing is, we are taking a bold step to conquer that challenge. One thing that helped me a lot was reading books, act as if no one around me spoke my native language, this way I mam forced to speak to them in Englishand of course, I write a lot, writing whenever and wherever I can. As days go by, I got better and was able to help students and people in general, in speaking and using the English language in their daily lives.

Now, going back to your essay, I believe you have to pay close attention to how you structure your sentence, one practice that helps, is to read your sentences out loud and when you hear something that doesn't sound good, this is where you draw your attention and you will see where the needed enhancement is supposed to be done. I hoe my insights helped!

Undergraduate / Following Nikola Tesla; Texas A&M Qatar Transfer Essay - Personal Statement - Mechanical Engineering [2]

Hi Waqas, I must say, it's a very interesting field to begin with, I have always been puzzled with the engineering field and adding the interest in TESLA is quiet overwhelming. Having said that, I'm all in and wish you all the best in this endeavor.

Going back to your essay, I believe the flow of the essay is good, it is like reading your bio in a more creative way and a bio that has a purpose, a very good and strong purpose. Moreover, it is written in a way that the reader know exactly what you are gearing for and the information is kept to a certain standard, a standard where an information is serving a purpose and a story to tel land a dream to come true.

Furthermore, your essay is not only leaning towards the goal of the essay but more importantly to the gradual impact of the chosen field in your decision of pursuing Mechanical Engineering following Tesla.

I hope this insights helps and I wish to see more of your writing.

Undergraduate / NYU Gallatin International Transfer Essays [5]

Hi Dubois, I would like to help out by editing first essay first.

- that produces new work
- I have foundfind it difficult
- to findlocate a college
- makingcreation and the development
- broadeningenriching my horizons
- byin taking classes infrom other departments.
- sinceas New York City
- is the epicenter of manya lot of important events - Study is combined with
- the endless opportunities of New York City
- will help me become not onlynot only aid a more - but also someone that can make a difference in the world of art and theatrical world .

There you have it Dubois, I hope this initial assessment for your essay helped. I will get back to you for the other part of the essay.

Letters / Cover Letter for Erasmus exchange programme - hope to receive good advice and letter correction [3]

- My desire is to study new subjects( not necessary ) ,
- as much helpful information as
- Also, use the providedI would also use the opportunities,
- Join tothe International
- enjoyengulf myself with everything that the
- and if I have it I will not omit itwill not miss the chance .

- Finally, I'm am convinced
- that a teacher
- is the mentor whosehas a role
- is to accompany
- students get across their college lives,
- a preciousrather challenging yet rewarding experience
- ofin my life and find new friends
- but to work hard and develop my abilities to the best that I can .

Oleksandr, I made quiet a work for the last 2 paragraphs of your essay and I hope it helps. What I noticed is the lack of linking verbs, the verb form and the correlation or the flow of your essay. Honestly, you started good in your essay and consistency is the key, so for future writing reference, make sure that you keep your balance as well as the intelligent flow of the essay.

Scholarship / "Journey through foreign language & culture" - KGSP 2016 Letter of Self-Introduction [4]

HI Eric, I must say, it makes our heart feel good when we know that we are able to help in our own little way. Now, going back to your essay, I believe this revision is written good. The essay was able to capture a very good reasoning on why you should be one of the KGSP scholarship recipients, however, long and very boldly paragraphed, I believe the essay showcases what you possess and what you can do, both academically and physically, to the institution.

Moreover, I understand that the KGSP scholarship is not just about academics, it's an overall understanding of the philosophy, the history and more importantly, you as a person that will soon contribute to the institution as well as to the country, not only to Korea but also to your home country and hopefully a little contribution to a better world.

I hope my insights help, I wish you the best of luck and keep writing.

Essays / A business trip from different perspectives. [4]

Hi Malak, after giving you the insights on the prompt, I was thinking you are able to come up with a good and rather well written essay, it seems like its still taking you a while to get to that status of writing but no sweat, the internet is just a few clicks away and just a few hours of research and intense understanding on what the purpose of the essay is, you are just a few drafts in coming up with a good essay.

Malak, start writing and the ideas will just flow in easily, the world wide web will definitely be a helping hand that will guide you through, of course a little thoughtful and out of the box idea will not hurt..

I really hope to read your essay very soon, the business world especially the hospitality industry has a lot of things to write about, you will never run out of ideas to narrate and thoughts to share.

Good luck and keep writing.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP TRANSFER: A Little Girl Taught Me How to Communicate [3]

Hi Sol, as much as I love reading your essay, I feel like it has way too much content and the reader has to wait too long to actually get to the point and be able to understand the purpose of the essay.

Now going back to the way the essay is written, remember the goal is to prove your worth of transferring to another institution and be able to carry the name of the university up to standard. The essay you wrote is good, conversational and it writes a story, however, there is just too much paragraph wasted and unnecessary information mentioned in the essay that will be more helpful in your future writing but not in this transfer essay.

I hope this insights helped and I wish to read your revised essay very soon, when you do write your revision, mind the amount and the relevance of the information you include in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Why do some cultivated people read everything from books to the Internet sites? [4]

Hi Mreza, I would to share my thoughts in your essay with the focus on the last paragraph.

Last paragraph
- some may argues that
- usingwith the usage of abundant
- of our different point of views.
- have thisthe ability to judge
- these conflicts and draw a conclusion.

- To sum upOverall , whereas sometimes - people may have to study limited subjects
- due to lack of re sources,
- finding variesvaried ideas,
- coupled with the quality of sources
- made me to outweigh reading many sources

There you have it Mreza, I hope you follow through with the remarks that I made in your essay. Should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Cyber bullying has always been an issue in my life [3]

Hi Karlee, as I read through your essay or should I say the answers to the prompt, I must say that you have done your research and it is written well.

The words you used in your essay may not be that unique, however, this is what made the essay conversational, easy to comprehend and easy to read, this also helped address the prompt properly with the right information in each essay.

For future writing reference, mind how the paragraphs are presented in your essay, make sure that they are bold enough and the idea concrete, the focus of the essay should also be firm, straight forward and direct to the point.

I also mentioned that I see you did great on your research and this helps in your essay, knowing your facts makes a great read, this goes to show your dedication to writing and being able to bring an article based on facts and not just the ideas formed by rumors or opinions.

Overall, it's a great essay and good job on coming up with an article like this one, consistency is the key and you nailed that.

Keep writing.

Scholarship / Express the reasons for your department/program of study preferences and briefly explain how your... [3]

Osman, from what I can sense on the post you have above, you want to come up with an essay on your post graduate program. Judging from your post above, you can definitely come up with a good essay, you have the idea already, all you have to do is to determine what you would like to input in your essay.

Moreover, the essay should be a continuation of the idea that you have in your undergraduate essay. You have also learned and figured out the relationship of good education and how being able to study will further your education.

Now, when you do write the essay, mind your language rules and make sure that you are able to incorporate all the ideas you have in mind, when you're done with your essay, post it here so we can help you further.

I hope this helps!!!

Writing Feedback / The dramatic increase in the proportion of older people (65 and over) in three countries. [3]

Bui, first of all, it would help if you posted the chart, this will help us provide you a more accurate modification and criticism on your analysis.

I would like to share my insights on your essay.

- people who isare 65 and over in Japan,
- Generally, there wasis a dramatic
- increase in the proportion of the population

-of elderolder people
-the elderlyolder population
- will be aroundincrease to over 20%.

- in Japan, different from thethere is a slight
- USA will be below this number .

Bui, as you can see there is a little modification that I did in your analysis, I do hope it helped. For future writing reference, mind the posting and make sure that the chart is posted as well.

Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The expense on five kinds of entertainment including cinema, video, music, publishing and television [3]

Hi Tran, I'd like to share some insights and corrections on your analysis.

- Overall, the total money spent in American was largest among
- the three regions in both two
- years were from Americans .
- It was even larger than the
- combination of expenses
- infrom Asia and Europe
- entertainingentertainment purposes .
-fraction inof expenses

Tran, the above paragraph has been corrected as I see it's the paragraph with much needed modification, I hope you follow through so you will be able to practice proof reading yourself. What I notice in your essay is the form of words that you use, its either you're missing an "s" or the form of the verb is not in the right tense. This language rules should be seen as a guide in order for you to come up with a well written essay. I hope this helped.

Scholarship / "Journey through foreign language & culture" - KGSP 2016 Letter of Self-Introduction [4]

Hi Eric, I reviewed your essay and here's what I found.
Your essay is yes long and more of a conversational reading than a scholarship application essay. Honestly, there is not much unique aspect in the essay that will help it stand out from the rest of the application, maybe because you are comfortable with telling your story and how you feel being in Korea and further your knowledge in a place you most cherish.

Moreover, I suggest that you change your word choice in the essay. Word such as working hard, to contribute and dedicating yourself to the institution may sound cliche and it is, for this type of essay, the competition is high and there is nothing much that you want than an essay that is well written and right to the purpose of the essay.

Now, when you do the revision, bear in mind that this scholarship is a hit or miss, you've got one shot and one shot only so put your best foot forward and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Undergraduate / Spelman girls. What can I add to my admission essay to make it more interesting original and longer [2]

Hi Natasha, I have read your essay and I would like to share some insights.
To address your concern, this transfer essay is meant to be an essay that will prove your worth in the institution. It should be focused on you and not on the school. If you go back to the prompt and review the purpose of this essay, you need to elaborately write about the academic achievements you made so far and smoothly transition to the future academic plans you have.

Moreover, other elements of the essay should involve the ones you have written already and this will be a great addition to your essay. Staying in the topic of the essay is also crucial so you have to keep your focus.

Moving on, you have a good start in your essay, you just have to re- structure it and keep a smooth flow. I hope to see the revised essay soon and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Scholarship / 'wet processing technology' - My study plan for chinese government scholarship program 2016 [3]

HI Shehad, as I read your essay, I must say that you have a well written one. You made sure that the facts you stated in the essay is realistic and attainable at your level. Moreover, you know the facts and you have made your research.

For a little revision, please find below;

- I would like to apply for master's Degree in wet processing technology in china as my current job, education background above all my passion.

( I believe the sentence above is quiet off for the rest of the essay, I suggest the following ) Education, above all, is my passion and this is one of the reasons I would like to pursue my masters in wet processing technology in China.

There you have it Shehad, as I mentioned, the overall assessment of the essay is good and well written. I hope you create more writing and for future writing reference, mind the words that you put into your essay and proof read it, this helps eliminate the unnecessary phrases you have and you will see it first hand. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Working as a receptionist at hotel [5]

Hi Hoai, as I read your essay, I cant help but asked if you were able to answer the question or the prompt. What you have written is an example of what you did in your previous job at Duy Tan Hotel, this is not part of the essay at all and should not be included in your essay.

Now, here's what I suggest, if answering the prompt is not that clear, follow and answer the questions below in an essay form, this way you should be able to create a much better essay;

- what interest you in pursuing the hospitality industry
- in all the positions in a hotel, why become a receptionist
- in becoming a receptionist, you are the frontline of the hotel,
why is this important to you
- as a hotel receptionist, your knowledge about the hotel should be beyond your colleagues level, you should stay ahead of the game all the time, what

qualities do you have that will help you stand out.

Lastly, when writing an essay, review the prompt and do a little research, this will help you write a well written essay.

I hope this helped and I wish to see your essay soon.

Undergraduate / Our family business (when you stop trying you'll fail) - incidents in life and their impact [3]

Yash, as I read your essay, I can't help but see myself, I may not be a breadwinner in my family, however, like your father, I feel like there is endless possibilities and I tend not to fear anything because I believe I can do anything I wish as long as I work hard for it and stay focus, the good thing is, it actually works, when you focus on the things that you can do, the dream will come true and the possibilities is indeed endless.

At 19, I graduated college, I said I want to be a writer, now I'm on EF and not only writing but more importantly, I'm helping students and writers alike.

Going back to your essay, I believe it is written well, you have covered the necessary information needed in the essay to answer the prompt and you were able to provide details of the particular situation described in your essay. For future writing reference, know when to inject the details of the situation as this is critical in creating a smooth flow in your essay.

I hope this insight helped!

Writing Feedback / "It's not beauty if it can be removed with a wet kleenex." - A humble opinion essay [3]

Hi Doga, I enjoyed reading your essay, I find the argument to be
making its point, it's not merely to create any judgement on which side you're in but you created an understanding of what and why people or make up should be part of our lives.

Regardless of how much amount of make up you put in your skin and which part of the body you put it in, the case is, it's still not the natural site.

Going back to your writing style, as mentioned, you made an interesting argument and it transpired in how you presented the essay, I just suggest that you make your paragraphs a little bolder like merging them and keep about 4 maximum paragraphs.

Lastly, I do believe in natural beauty, that beauty comes from the inside.
A good heart is a true beauty and no one can argue that, unless may be if
one is a narcissist, kidding aside, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I strongly believe in this.

Overall, the essay is written well. For future writing reference, don't forget to include the prompt or the purpose of the essay as this will be a great help for us in giving you a more accurate feedback.

I hope my insights helped!

Scholarship / The one advantage that stands the test of time...is people. KGSP Study plan; Business Administration [7]

First paragraph
- With this in view consideringArmed with this belief, - I want to makeestablish
- and with my long-timebrewing interest
- as I'm really interested invalue the importance

Last paragraph
- During theWithin this 2 years
- to take the different courses
- gained knowledge
- since they are both responsibility opportunity to createresponsible in creating business value
- both personnelpersonal and professional.

There you have it Ahlem, I hope the corrections I made helped.
Overall, the essay is good and a little polishing will not hurt, I hope
to see the revision very soon and while you're writing, do review the English language rules, this will guide you in gearing towards a well written essay.

Also, do read and write as often as you can as this will enhance your
writing skills as well as the familiarization to the English language, writing is a practice that will get you better if not the best and will eventually become a second nature.

Undergraduate / An essay for National University of Singapore application to study in psychology [2]

Hi Lee, I would like to help in your essay and hopefully make things a little bit better for you.

I believe the last two paragraphs need much improvement.

- "Things will getting better,
- said the doctor said before
- we leaveleft .
- And these words keep us moving on, especially
- she still havehas to

- This incident leaded me
- thethat people's
- This situation solidified my eagerness to

Lee, you sure does have a heart and the passion in the field you chose, however, more that this, you need the willingness, the sharpness and the full mental focus in order to endure your chosen field.

I have a friend who is a very successful psychologist and she told me that the process of learning and studying the strokes in this field is just the start of a very challenging yet very rewarding profession.

I wish you the best of luck and hey, being a Singaporean is already tough as the expectation is very high and being able to survive is already a proof that you are a tough one.

Writing Feedback / Different people have different opinion about standard for imitation - role models for youngsters [3]

Ksenia, first of all, what I noticed on your essay is that you have your paragraphs in small fragments and this made the essay looked longer, the fact is, it actually made the essay look premature.

I suggest that you keep your paragraphs bold and maximize it into 3 paragraphs may be 4 if you may. Next, the words you chose in presenting your opinion on the issue is very well orchestrated and this was seen in how your sentences progressed in the essay.

Lastly, I would like to draw your attention to the last paragraph of your essay.

- that to be in fit,
- create and achieve the target, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) always
- and have a job
- and treat it like
- a hobby are
- creating a successful life
- The most obvious reason is that sportsman

There you have it Ksenia, I hope your revision will be much easier with our help.

Undergraduate / How I see myself in next 10-years? [3]

Fitree, given the fact that English is not your mother tongue, this is a good essay, it has a creative content and it is conversational. Now, I'm not sure of this is for a formal writing or a journal for high school, reason I'm asking is because, formal writing may not appreciate such creativity but rather lean on the formality of the essay, meaning, it may need a direct and simple approach.

On the other hand, the creativity you showed on the essay is almost like you have a conversation with your readers and this is a very good practice when you are looking into mastering the art of writing or just be able to converse in English in a much higher level than the normal Thailanders.

It's alway's a good start to write and take that step to take your game, one step ahead. You are a student who wants to further your knowledge in English and more, I hope you continue doing that and inspire for greatness.

Fitree, I hope to read a revised and much polished essay and I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / Essay about the William and Mary MBA program; is it a logical step towards achieving your goals? [2]

Hi Chiang, I'd like to help in your essay by focusing on the last two paragraphs.

- The lL ast but not the least,
- InDuring the second year,
- have a chances to work
- clients organization.
- It means that Mason'sThis fact goes to show that Mason Field
- are reallyis extremely helpful
- for me if I want tothe transformation of
- myour family business
- to the world market.

- Based on the reasons mentioned aboveMoreover ,
- and can help mewill allow me to achieve my career goal,
- so the Mason School MBA is one of the best MBA programs I want to apply for. and eventually bring my dreams to reality.

There you have it Chiang, I hope my insights helped.

Letters / Undergraduate motivation letter to state my interest to apply for Bachelor in industrial engineering [8]

Hi Agung, I read your essay and I must say that with the intention or the purpose of the essay, I believe the words are quiet off like "ebullient", "interest" is good and just right for the essay.

Now, I understand that the essay you want to submit should be impressive and you want to use words that are not an average or unlikely to be used on essays but this may confuse your readers. What I suggest, revise your essay and try to re-word your sentences, words that are conversational will most likely appeal to the admission staff, also, in your field, engineering, English may not be the strongest point and a good level of English is much appreciated.

I hope my insights help and while you're doing the revision, be sure to be simple and direct to the point, this helps a lot in understanding the purpose of your essay that will definitely lead to admission.

Essays / A business trip from different perspectives. [4]

Malak, did you mean that you searched on the internet and find nothing that will help you in writing an essay to answer the prompt.

Well, here's my suggestion, the internet will only provide you with the facts and figures of the hospitality industry, rental cars, hotels, etc., the prompt however, is asking for your own analysis of the advantage and disadvantages of this particular business field.

Moreover, weighing your options and setting yourself as a consumer of this services will let you experience how this field works and eventually be able to write a good argument that responds properly to the prompt..

I hope my insights helped and I know we will read your essay very soon and while you're writing, remember the English language rules and incorporate them in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: total population of old people in three different countries [5]

HI Mita, I understand that you have gathered quiet a few remarks and modifications done in your essay
and I would like to be of addition to this, kindly find my remarks below.

- The given line graph reveals the information of population
- elderly people who'shave aged 65
- andor more than that ,
- It can be obviously be
- of retire-agedage of retirement to man
- witnessesd upward
- number of them in 2040.

- over took the highest
- it will beis predicted
- in the year of 2040.

There you have it Mita, I hope this additional remarks will be helpful when you do the revision of your essay, should you need further assistance, don't hesitate to contact us, we will be here for you at all times.

Scholarship / I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy; LETTER [4]

Hi Amalina, judging from the original essay, I must say that this revision is written well.

You were able to revise the essay in a manner were you have injected the remarks that
you gathered from the contributors and your own modification, as you can see
there is a big difference from the original one, a difference that made your essay
even more meaningful.

For future reference, before giving your essay a go for submission or posting, consider
reviewing it, one more time, this will help you see the necessary modification if need be and
seeing it yourself will increase the chance of proving yourself to be a good writer and will also
boost your confidence in presenting more of your writing pieces.

I hope we continue to provide you with sensible insights and you keep writing.

Scholarship / KGSP Scholarship SELF INTRODUCTION: How cultural migration 'merantau' has shaped me (Master's) [5]

Hi Putri, I'm glad to hear that we were able to help you out in your essay,
EF has helped a lot of students and writers alike and we will definitely help more
in days to come.

With regards to the posted essay that you think is the same as yours, you don't have to worry
about that, EF verifies and does not tolerate plagiarism. All the comments, suggestions, articles and
any writing piece here on EF is being screened and the rules are strict and is played across the board.

Moreover, there is a proper sanction for those who violate the rules that governs EF, so you can be sure
that if there is such a case as you mentioned, they will be properly sanctioned, having said that, I hope
that you continue writing and practice more, hone your talent in writing. One day you will be able to help
others too, this is how we all started. I hope I was able to encourage you to write more and defused that
doubt of publicly posting your thread and writing materials.

Writing Feedback / Hybrid cars sale trend in Japan increased significantly from 2006-2009 [3]

Hi Anita, it's good to know that our insights help in enhancing your essay.
For future writing reference, please note the following;

- accuracy is the key to a good essay
- consistency should follow it and the relation of each paragraph in your essay is crucial.
- learn how to play with words in order to convey the message you want to send your readers
- practice makes perfect, this is also true in writing, read and write often in order to create that
comfort in writing.

Lastly, being able to criticize your own work is also a good practice, this will help you form your own
3rd party that will see any needed modification in your essay. I hope my insights helped and I wish
to see more of your writing pieces here on EF so as the revision of your analysis.

Scholarship / I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy; LETTER [4]

Hi Amalina, my thoughts on your essay are the following;
- you have written a well organized essay, bold paragraphs and sentences
that answers the questions straight to the point.
- you word choice needs to be polished
2nd paragraph:
- This passion of mine has leadedMy passion has lead me to
3rd paragraph
- I had to quit my job as I got the offerchose ( to use the word "quit" in your essay is a negative connotation ) to continue my study in Master of Engineering

- on the last paragraph, I believe you can enhance this part if you talk about your futuristic however realistic goal
when you finish the program in Korea, the take away of this chapter in your academic adventure is definitely essential
in this essay as this will prove the outcome of your study as well as the impact of the program to yourself.

I hope my insights help and should you need further assistance, don't hesitate to write us.

Graduate / 'power to empower others' - Duke MMS essay. It is longer by 30 words. How do I make it better? [2]

Essayfreak00, I would like to share some thoughts on your essay.
What I notice is the fact that this essay should speak about you and your academic
achievements in order to gain admission, should not limit you from talking about
other aspects of your being. However crucial, I suggest that when you do write, go back to the
prompt and make sure that you keep your essay in line with what the prompt wants you to write about.

In this case, you are asked to write about the combination of both worlds, therefore,leave the subject to talk
about your professional and academic achievements and move towards your future goal, this should be the focus of
the essay and though it is, I suggest that you omit the part where you talk about your other ideas that may not be directly

related to the purpose of the essay.

On the other hand, I love the fact that you started your essay with a quote from the legendary John Maxwell, this is
a significant approach to the essay you are about to submit.
I hope my insights helped, keep writing and I hope to see the revision soon.

Scholarship / I am a candidate for Graduate scholarship for MS in Information System at Murray State university [2]

Samir, I have read and understand your essay for this particular prompt,
here's what I found.

- The word you choose is a good selection and the phrases easily correspond with the idea that
you want to convey in your essay.

- This essay is for a graduate scholarship program in a prestigious university, it will help if
you focus on your academic achievements, this will help the admission see the purpose of your essay

- The formality of your essay is also essential as this is going to be reviewed and criticized for
your admission to the institution, having said that, it will help if you keep your essay straight forward,
intelligently creative and proper timeline should be observed.

I suggest that you revise your essay by incorporating the above remarks and when you do, make sure that
you also watch your paragraphs, they should be bold and not small fragmented ones.
I hope this helps.

Graduate / 'Betterment for arts and creative industry' - Applying MA in Arts Management - Personal Statement [2]

Hi Daina, I'd like to share my insights on your essay with the focus on the last three paragraphs.
Please find my remarks below;

- Taking the masters degree in
- which areis all
- has a long art history
- whose my inspirationinspire me
- in creating works of arts .
- In the future,( this phrase is unnecessary as we have established the timeline of the subject )

- The fact that I am a student from IndonesiaAs an Indonesian I will

- I believe that my experiences and background
- will fit thisthe master's needs and requirementsprogram .
- the biggest steps
- I need towill take to achieve
- bettermentactions for the greater welfare of for Indonesia's arts and creative industry.

There you have it Daina, you have a very good heart and the will to help your countrymen in a way that not much people

would think of.
I hope the remarks helped and I wish you the best of luck.

Writing Feedback / According to the diagram, the heat comes out to the upstairs through several media. [2]

- how air circulation in athe house
- leads theto heat
- It can be obviously be seen
- that, ( remember to include your punctuation marks) thanks

- to come intofrom the
- With regards to the main floor,
- and the air leaking
- from the underground also ups along the crawls along the space
- allows the wind to enter the whole room.

- the heat comesgoes out
- to the upstairsstairs through
- several mediaoutlet .
- the air leaking goes out through the
- main room bywith attic hatch. Because odue to the f recessed lights,

There you have it Alifah, I hope this helps.
Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Majority of employees had very good relationships not only with their supervisor (2005-2009) [2]

Alifah, on this analysis, you have written it fairly well, you made sure that the facts and figures shown in the pie graph
are analyzed accurately and you have maintained the use of symbol, percentage (%), etc., the uniformity of your writing
is critical as this shows your individuality as well as the formality of your paper.

Also, I notice that on your analysis, you made sure that you get to post the graph in order
for the editors to see the graph themselves and deliver an accurate remark and suggestions.

Moreover, the essay is written in a formal way, just like what it's suppose to be.
I hope my insights helped and keep writing, the more you write the better you get.
It will also help if you create a goal for yourself, this will set your own standard
in writing and this will definitely get you a step up in writing.
The best of luck!!!

Writing Feedback / Recuirtment of teachers in Ontario; the percentage of English-language tutors had a downward trend [2]

Hi Alifah, I'd like to share my thoughts on your analysis by adding and omitting unnecessary words and phrases in your analysis
that will hopefully enhance your paper.

- IThe i nformation about the
-it can be obviously be seen
- had a downward tendencynature .

- According to the data, in the beginning of the period English-language
- tutors (70%) , ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) then it
- declined sharply inover the next
- two years to two-fifths of the percentage .
- In contrastthe contrary ( contrast - is for color ) ,

Alifah, overall, it was a good analysis, just be careful of your word choice as well as the tenses you
use in describing the time that the action was taken.
I hope it helped.

Scholarship / KGSP Scholarship SELF INTRODUCTION: How cultural migration 'merantau' has shaped me (Master's) [5]

Hi Putri, I can't wait to read your revise essay.
While you're doing your revision, do keep in mind the following;

- mind the English language rules as they can be tricky, as tricky
as they are though, don't be afraid to experiment and play with words
- be creative if you need to, however, make sure that you address the
prompt as straight forward as possible unless otherwise required.
- be prompt with the facts and figures, make sure that when you write,
the facts are gathered from a reputable source, this is a very good practice
and will be very helpful not only to writing but also in your daily life.
- keep your paragraphs bold and not in small cluster of sentences.

Lastly, let your mind speak and your heart listen when you write.
You know what, I write whatever I have in my mind and I have been practicing
this for as long as I can remember, it is a powerful tool that made my dreams
come true. It is true that your mind is very powerful and when you out it into writing
it's like you're giving life to make your dream come to life.

I hope this helps.