Scholarship / "Journey through foreign language & culture" - KGSP 2016 Letter of Self-Introduction [4]

HI Eric, I must say, it makes our heart feel good when we know that we are able to help in our own little way. Now, going back to your essay, I believe this revision is written good. The essay was able to capture a very good reasoning on why you should be one of the KGSP scholarship recipients, however, long and very boldly paragraphed, I believe the essay showcases what you possess and what you can do, both academically and physically, to the institution.

Moreover, I understand that the KGSP scholarship is not just about academics, it's an overall understanding of the philosophy, the history and more importantly, you as a person that will soon contribute to the institution as well as to the country, not only to Korea but also to your home country and hopefully a little contribution to a better world.

I hope my insights help, I wish you the best of luck and keep writing.

Essays / A business trip from different perspectives. [4]

Hi Malak, after giving you the insights on the prompt, I was thinking you are able to come up with a good and rather well written essay, it seems like its still taking you a while to get to that status of writing but no sweat, the internet is just a few clicks away and just a few hours of research and intense understanding on what the purpose of the essay is, you are just a few drafts in coming up with a good essay.

Malak, start writing and the ideas will just flow in easily, the world wide web will definitely be a helping hand that will guide you through, of course a little thoughtful and out of the box idea will not hurt..

I really hope to read your essay very soon, the business world especially the hospitality industry has a lot of things to write about, you will never run out of ideas to narrate and thoughts to share.

Good luck and keep writing.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP TRANSFER: A Little Girl Taught Me How to Communicate [3]

Hi Sol, as much as I love reading your essay, I feel like it has way too much content and the reader has to wait too long to actually get to the point and be able to understand the purpose of the essay.

Now going back to the way the essay is written, remember the goal is to prove your worth of transferring to another institution and be able to carry the name of the university up to standard. The essay you wrote is good, conversational and it writes a story, however, there is just too much paragraph wasted and unnecessary information mentioned in the essay that will be more helpful in your future writing but not in this transfer essay.

I hope this insights helped and I wish to read your revised essay very soon, when you do write your revision, mind the amount and the relevance of the information you include in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Why do some cultivated people read everything from books to the Internet sites? [4]

Hi Mreza, I would to share my thoughts in your essay with the focus on the last paragraph.

Last paragraph
- some may argues that
- usingwith the usage of abundant
- of our different point of views.
- have thisthe ability to judge
- these conflicts and draw a conclusion.

- To sum upOverall , whereas sometimes - people may have to study limited subjects
- due to lack of re sources,
- finding variesvaried ideas,
- coupled with the quality of sources
- made me to outweigh reading many sources

There you have it Mreza, I hope you follow through with the remarks that I made in your essay. Should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Cyber bullying has always been an issue in my life [3]

Hi Karlee, as I read through your essay or should I say the answers to the prompt, I must say that you have done your research and it is written well.

The words you used in your essay may not be that unique, however, this is what made the essay conversational, easy to comprehend and easy to read, this also helped address the prompt properly with the right information in each essay.

For future writing reference, mind how the paragraphs are presented in your essay, make sure that they are bold enough and the idea concrete, the focus of the essay should also be firm, straight forward and direct to the point.

I also mentioned that I see you did great on your research and this helps in your essay, knowing your facts makes a great read, this goes to show your dedication to writing and being able to bring an article based on facts and not just the ideas formed by rumors or opinions.

Overall, it's a great essay and good job on coming up with an article like this one, consistency is the key and you nailed that.

Keep writing.

Scholarship / Express the reasons for your department/program of study preferences and briefly explain how your... [3]

Osman, from what I can sense on the post you have above, you want to come up with an essay on your post graduate program. Judging from your post above, you can definitely come up with a good essay, you have the idea already, all you have to do is to determine what you would like to input in your essay.

Moreover, the essay should be a continuation of the idea that you have in your undergraduate essay. You have also learned and figured out the relationship of good education and how being able to study will further your education.

Now, when you do write the essay, mind your language rules and make sure that you are able to incorporate all the ideas you have in mind, when you're done with your essay, post it here so we can help you further.

I hope this helps!!!

Writing Feedback / The dramatic increase in the proportion of older people (65 and over) in three countries. [3]

Bui, first of all, it would help if you posted the chart, this will help us provide you a more accurate modification and criticism on your analysis.

I would like to share my insights on your essay.

- people who isare 65 and over in Japan,
- Generally, there wasis a dramatic
- increase in the proportion of the population

-of elderolder people
-the elderlyolder population
- will be aroundincrease to over 20%.

- in Japan, different from thethere is a slight
- USA will be below this number .

Bui, as you can see there is a little modification that I did in your analysis, I do hope it helped. For future writing reference, mind the posting and make sure that the chart is posted as well.

Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / The expense on five kinds of entertainment including cinema, video, music, publishing and television [3]

Hi Tran, I'd like to share some insights and corrections on your analysis.

- Overall, the total money spent in American was largest among
- the three regions in both two
- years were from Americans .
- It was even larger than the
- combination of expenses
- infrom Asia and Europe
- entertainingentertainment purposes .
-fraction inof expenses

Tran, the above paragraph has been corrected as I see it's the paragraph with much needed modification, I hope you follow through so you will be able to practice proof reading yourself. What I notice in your essay is the form of words that you use, its either you're missing an "s" or the form of the verb is not in the right tense. This language rules should be seen as a guide in order for you to come up with a well written essay. I hope this helped.

Scholarship / "Journey through foreign language & culture" - KGSP 2016 Letter of Self-Introduction [4]

Hi Eric, I reviewed your essay and here's what I found.
Your essay is yes long and more of a conversational reading than a scholarship application essay. Honestly, there is not much unique aspect in the essay that will help it stand out from the rest of the application, maybe because you are comfortable with telling your story and how you feel being in Korea and further your knowledge in a place you most cherish.

Moreover, I suggest that you change your word choice in the essay. Word such as working hard, to contribute and dedicating yourself to the institution may sound cliche and it is, for this type of essay, the competition is high and there is nothing much that you want than an essay that is well written and right to the purpose of the essay.

Now, when you do the revision, bear in mind that this scholarship is a hit or miss, you've got one shot and one shot only so put your best foot forward and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Undergraduate / Spelman girls. What can I add to my admission essay to make it more interesting original and longer [2]

Hi Natasha, I have read your essay and I would like to share some insights.
To address your concern, this transfer essay is meant to be an essay that will prove your worth in the institution. It should be focused on you and not on the school. If you go back to the prompt and review the purpose of this essay, you need to elaborately write about the academic achievements you made so far and smoothly transition to the future academic plans you have.

Moreover, other elements of the essay should involve the ones you have written already and this will be a great addition to your essay. Staying in the topic of the essay is also crucial so you have to keep your focus.

Moving on, you have a good start in your essay, you just have to re- structure it and keep a smooth flow. I hope to see the revised essay soon and should you need further assistance, we are here for you.

Scholarship / 'wet processing technology' - My study plan for chinese government scholarship program 2016 [3]

HI Shehad, as I read your essay, I must say that you have a well written one. You made sure that the facts you stated in the essay is realistic and attainable at your level. Moreover, you know the facts and you have made your research.

For a little revision, please find below;

- I would like to apply for master's Degree in wet processing technology in china as my current job, education background above all my passion.

( I believe the sentence above is quiet off for the rest of the essay, I suggest the following ) Education, above all, is my passion and this is one of the reasons I would like to pursue my masters in wet processing technology in China.

There you have it Shehad, as I mentioned, the overall assessment of the essay is good and well written. I hope you create more writing and for future writing reference, mind the words that you put into your essay and proof read it, this helps eliminate the unnecessary phrases you have and you will see it first hand. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Working as a receptionist at hotel [5]

Hi Hoai, as I read your essay, I cant help but asked if you were able to answer the question or the prompt. What you have written is an example of what you did in your previous job at Duy Tan Hotel, this is not part of the essay at all and should not be included in your essay.

Now, here's what I suggest, if answering the prompt is not that clear, follow and answer the questions below in an essay form, this way you should be able to create a much better essay;

- what interest you in pursuing the hospitality industry
- in all the positions in a hotel, why become a receptionist
- in becoming a receptionist, you are the frontline of the hotel,
why is this important to you
- as a hotel receptionist, your knowledge about the hotel should be beyond your colleagues level, you should stay ahead of the game all the time, what

qualities do you have that will help you stand out.

Lastly, when writing an essay, review the prompt and do a little research, this will help you write a well written essay.

I hope this helped and I wish to see your essay soon.

Undergraduate / Our family business (when you stop trying you'll fail) - incidents in life and their impact [3]

Yash, as I read your essay, I can't help but see myself, I may not be a breadwinner in my family, however, like your father, I feel like there is endless possibilities and I tend not to fear anything because I believe I can do anything I wish as long as I work hard for it and stay focus, the good thing is, it actually works, when you focus on the things that you can do, the dream will come true and the possibilities is indeed endless.

At 19, I graduated college, I said I want to be a writer, now I'm on EF and not only writing but more importantly, I'm helping students and writers alike.

Going back to your essay, I believe it is written well, you have covered the necessary information needed in the essay to answer the prompt and you were able to provide details of the particular situation described in your essay. For future writing reference, know when to inject the details of the situation as this is critical in creating a smooth flow in your essay.

I hope this insight helped!

Writing Feedback / "It's not beauty if it can be removed with a wet kleenex." - A humble opinion essay [3]

Hi Doga, I enjoyed reading your essay, I find the argument to be
making its point, it's not merely to create any judgement on which side you're in but you created an understanding of what and why people or make up should be part of our lives.

Regardless of how much amount of make up you put in your skin and which part of the body you put it in, the case is, it's still not the natural site.

Going back to your writing style, as mentioned, you made an interesting argument and it transpired in how you presented the essay, I just suggest that you make your paragraphs a little bolder like merging them and keep about 4 maximum paragraphs.

Lastly, I do believe in natural beauty, that beauty comes from the inside.
A good heart is a true beauty and no one can argue that, unless may be if
one is a narcissist, kidding aside, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I strongly believe in this.

Overall, the essay is written well. For future writing reference, don't forget to include the prompt or the purpose of the essay as this will be a great help for us in giving you a more accurate feedback.

I hope my insights helped!

Scholarship / The one advantage that stands the test of time...is people. KGSP Study plan; Business Administration [7]

First paragraph
- With this in view consideringArmed with this belief, - I want to makeestablish
- and with my long-timebrewing interest
- as I'm really interested invalue the importance

Last paragraph
- During theWithin this 2 years
- to take the different courses
- gained knowledge
- since they are both responsibility opportunity to createresponsible in creating business value
- both personnelpersonal and professional.

There you have it Ahlem, I hope the corrections I made helped.
Overall, the essay is good and a little polishing will not hurt, I hope
to see the revision very soon and while you're writing, do review the English language rules, this will guide you in gearing towards a well written essay.

Also, do read and write as often as you can as this will enhance your
writing skills as well as the familiarization to the English language, writing is a practice that will get you better if not the best and will eventually become a second nature.

Undergraduate / An essay for National University of Singapore application to study in psychology [2]

Hi Lee, I would like to help in your essay and hopefully make things a little bit better for you.

I believe the last two paragraphs need much improvement.

- "Things will getting better,
- said the doctor said before
- we leaveleft .
- And these words keep us moving on, especially
- she still havehas to

- This incident leaded me
- thethat people's
- This situation solidified my eagerness to

Lee, you sure does have a heart and the passion in the field you chose, however, more that this, you need the willingness, the sharpness and the full mental focus in order to endure your chosen field.

I have a friend who is a very successful psychologist and she told me that the process of learning and studying the strokes in this field is just the start of a very challenging yet very rewarding profession.

I wish you the best of luck and hey, being a Singaporean is already tough as the expectation is very high and being able to survive is already a proof that you are a tough one.

Writing Feedback / Different people have different opinion about standard for imitation - role models for youngsters [3]

Ksenia, first of all, what I noticed on your essay is that you have your paragraphs in small fragments and this made the essay looked longer, the fact is, it actually made the essay look premature.

I suggest that you keep your paragraphs bold and maximize it into 3 paragraphs may be 4 if you may. Next, the words you chose in presenting your opinion on the issue is very well orchestrated and this was seen in how your sentences progressed in the essay.

Lastly, I would like to draw your attention to the last paragraph of your essay.

- that to be in fit,
- create and achieve the target, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) always
- and have a job
- and treat it like
- a hobby are
- creating a successful life
- The most obvious reason is that sportsman

There you have it Ksenia, I hope your revision will be much easier with our help.

Undergraduate / How I see myself in next 10-years? [3]

Fitree, given the fact that English is not your mother tongue, this is a good essay, it has a creative content and it is conversational. Now, I'm not sure of this is for a formal writing or a journal for high school, reason I'm asking is because, formal writing may not appreciate such creativity but rather lean on the formality of the essay, meaning, it may need a direct and simple approach.

On the other hand, the creativity you showed on the essay is almost like you have a conversation with your readers and this is a very good practice when you are looking into mastering the art of writing or just be able to converse in English in a much higher level than the normal Thailanders.

It's alway's a good start to write and take that step to take your game, one step ahead. You are a student who wants to further your knowledge in English and more, I hope you continue doing that and inspire for greatness.

Fitree, I hope to read a revised and much polished essay and I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / Essay about the William and Mary MBA program; is it a logical step towards achieving your goals? [2]

Hi Chiang, I'd like to help in your essay by focusing on the last two paragraphs.

- The lL ast but not the least,
- InDuring the second year,
- have a chances to work
- clients organization.
- It means that Mason'sThis fact goes to show that Mason Field
- are reallyis extremely helpful
- for me if I want tothe transformation of
- myour family business
- to the world market.

- Based on the reasons mentioned aboveMoreover ,
- and can help mewill allow me to achieve my career goal,
- so the Mason School MBA is one of the best MBA programs I want to apply for. and eventually bring my dreams to reality.

There you have it Chiang, I hope my insights helped.

Letters / Undergraduate motivation letter to state my interest to apply for Bachelor in industrial engineering [8]

Hi Agung, I read your essay and I must say that with the intention or the purpose of the essay, I believe the words are quiet off like "ebullient", "interest" is good and just right for the essay.

Now, I understand that the essay you want to submit should be impressive and you want to use words that are not an average or unlikely to be used on essays but this may confuse your readers. What I suggest, revise your essay and try to re-word your sentences, words that are conversational will most likely appeal to the admission staff, also, in your field, engineering, English may not be the strongest point and a good level of English is much appreciated.

I hope my insights help and while you're doing the revision, be sure to be simple and direct to the point, this helps a lot in understanding the purpose of your essay that will definitely lead to admission.

Essays / A business trip from different perspectives. [4]

Malak, did you mean that you searched on the internet and find nothing that will help you in writing an essay to answer the prompt.

Well, here's my suggestion, the internet will only provide you with the facts and figures of the hospitality industry, rental cars, hotels, etc., the prompt however, is asking for your own analysis of the advantage and disadvantages of this particular business field.

Moreover, weighing your options and setting yourself as a consumer of this services will let you experience how this field works and eventually be able to write a good argument that responds properly to the prompt..

I hope my insights helped and I know we will read your essay very soon and while you're writing, remember the English language rules and incorporate them in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: total population of old people in three different countries [5]

HI Mita, I understand that you have gathered quiet a few remarks and modifications done in your essay
and I would like to be of addition to this, kindly find my remarks below.

- The given line graph reveals the information of population
- elderly people who'shave aged 65
- andor more than that ,
- It can be obviously be
- of retire-agedage of retirement to man
- witnessesd upward
- number of them in 2040.

- over took the highest
- it will beis predicted
- in the year of 2040.

There you have it Mita, I hope this additional remarks will be helpful when you do the revision of your essay, should you need further assistance, don't hesitate to contact us, we will be here for you at all times.

Scholarship / I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy; LETTER [4]

Hi Amalina, judging from the original essay, I must say that this revision is written well.

You were able to revise the essay in a manner were you have injected the remarks that
you gathered from the contributors and your own modification, as you can see
there is a big difference from the original one, a difference that made your essay
even more meaningful.

For future reference, before giving your essay a go for submission or posting, consider
reviewing it, one more time, this will help you see the necessary modification if need be and
seeing it yourself will increase the chance of proving yourself to be a good writer and will also
boost your confidence in presenting more of your writing pieces.

I hope we continue to provide you with sensible insights and you keep writing.

Scholarship / KGSP Scholarship SELF INTRODUCTION: How cultural migration 'merantau' has shaped me (Master's) [5]

Hi Putri, I'm glad to hear that we were able to help you out in your essay,
EF has helped a lot of students and writers alike and we will definitely help more
in days to come.

With regards to the posted essay that you think is the same as yours, you don't have to worry
about that, EF verifies and does not tolerate plagiarism. All the comments, suggestions, articles and
any writing piece here on EF is being screened and the rules are strict and is played across the board.

Moreover, there is a proper sanction for those who violate the rules that governs EF, so you can be sure
that if there is such a case as you mentioned, they will be properly sanctioned, having said that, I hope
that you continue writing and practice more, hone your talent in writing. One day you will be able to help
others too, this is how we all started. I hope I was able to encourage you to write more and defused that
doubt of publicly posting your thread and writing materials.

Writing Feedback / Hybrid cars sale trend in Japan increased significantly from 2006-2009 [3]

Hi Anita, it's good to know that our insights help in enhancing your essay.
For future writing reference, please note the following;

- accuracy is the key to a good essay
- consistency should follow it and the relation of each paragraph in your essay is crucial.
- learn how to play with words in order to convey the message you want to send your readers
- practice makes perfect, this is also true in writing, read and write often in order to create that
comfort in writing.

Lastly, being able to criticize your own work is also a good practice, this will help you form your own
3rd party that will see any needed modification in your essay. I hope my insights helped and I wish
to see more of your writing pieces here on EF so as the revision of your analysis.

Scholarship / I have decided to apply for KGSP scholarship for a doctorate degree through Korean embassy; LETTER [4]

Hi Amalina, my thoughts on your essay are the following;
- you have written a well organized essay, bold paragraphs and sentences
that answers the questions straight to the point.
- you word choice needs to be polished
2nd paragraph:
- This passion of mine has leadedMy passion has lead me to
3rd paragraph
- I had to quit my job as I got the offerchose ( to use the word "quit" in your essay is a negative connotation ) to continue my study in Master of Engineering

- on the last paragraph, I believe you can enhance this part if you talk about your futuristic however realistic goal
when you finish the program in Korea, the take away of this chapter in your academic adventure is definitely essential
in this essay as this will prove the outcome of your study as well as the impact of the program to yourself.

I hope my insights help and should you need further assistance, don't hesitate to write us.

Graduate / 'power to empower others' - Duke MMS essay. It is longer by 30 words. How do I make it better? [2]

Essayfreak00, I would like to share some thoughts on your essay.
What I notice is the fact that this essay should speak about you and your academic
achievements in order to gain admission, should not limit you from talking about
other aspects of your being. However crucial, I suggest that when you do write, go back to the
prompt and make sure that you keep your essay in line with what the prompt wants you to write about.

In this case, you are asked to write about the combination of both worlds, therefore,leave the subject to talk
about your professional and academic achievements and move towards your future goal, this should be the focus of
the essay and though it is, I suggest that you omit the part where you talk about your other ideas that may not be directly

related to the purpose of the essay.

On the other hand, I love the fact that you started your essay with a quote from the legendary John Maxwell, this is
a significant approach to the essay you are about to submit.
I hope my insights helped, keep writing and I hope to see the revision soon.

Scholarship / I am a candidate for Graduate scholarship for MS in Information System at Murray State university [2]

Samir, I have read and understand your essay for this particular prompt,
here's what I found.

- The word you choose is a good selection and the phrases easily correspond with the idea that
you want to convey in your essay.

- This essay is for a graduate scholarship program in a prestigious university, it will help if
you focus on your academic achievements, this will help the admission see the purpose of your essay

- The formality of your essay is also essential as this is going to be reviewed and criticized for
your admission to the institution, having said that, it will help if you keep your essay straight forward,
intelligently creative and proper timeline should be observed.

I suggest that you revise your essay by incorporating the above remarks and when you do, make sure that
you also watch your paragraphs, they should be bold and not small fragmented ones.
I hope this helps.

Graduate / 'Betterment for arts and creative industry' - Applying MA in Arts Management - Personal Statement [2]

Hi Daina, I'd like to share my insights on your essay with the focus on the last three paragraphs.
Please find my remarks below;

- Taking the masters degree in
- which areis all
- has a long art history
- whose my inspirationinspire me
- in creating works of arts .
- In the future,( this phrase is unnecessary as we have established the timeline of the subject )

- The fact that I am a student from IndonesiaAs an Indonesian I will

- I believe that my experiences and background
- will fit thisthe master's needs and requirementsprogram .
- the biggest steps
- I need towill take to achieve
- bettermentactions for the greater welfare of for Indonesia's arts and creative industry.

There you have it Daina, you have a very good heart and the will to help your countrymen in a way that not much people

would think of.
I hope the remarks helped and I wish you the best of luck.

Writing Feedback / According to the diagram, the heat comes out to the upstairs through several media. [2]

- how air circulation in athe house
- leads theto heat
- It can be obviously be seen
- that, ( remember to include your punctuation marks) thanks

- to come intofrom the
- With regards to the main floor,
- and the air leaking
- from the underground also ups along the crawls along the space
- allows the wind to enter the whole room.

- the heat comesgoes out
- to the upstairsstairs through
- several mediaoutlet .
- the air leaking goes out through the
- main room bywith attic hatch. Because odue to the f recessed lights,

There you have it Alifah, I hope this helps.
Keep writing.

Writing Feedback / Majority of employees had very good relationships not only with their supervisor (2005-2009) [2]

Alifah, on this analysis, you have written it fairly well, you made sure that the facts and figures shown in the pie graph
are analyzed accurately and you have maintained the use of symbol, percentage (%), etc., the uniformity of your writing
is critical as this shows your individuality as well as the formality of your paper.

Also, I notice that on your analysis, you made sure that you get to post the graph in order
for the editors to see the graph themselves and deliver an accurate remark and suggestions.

Moreover, the essay is written in a formal way, just like what it's suppose to be.
I hope my insights helped and keep writing, the more you write the better you get.
It will also help if you create a goal for yourself, this will set your own standard
in writing and this will definitely get you a step up in writing.
The best of luck!!!

Writing Feedback / Recuirtment of teachers in Ontario; the percentage of English-language tutors had a downward trend [2]

Hi Alifah, I'd like to share my thoughts on your analysis by adding and omitting unnecessary words and phrases in your analysis
that will hopefully enhance your paper.

- IThe i nformation about the
-it can be obviously be seen
- had a downward tendencynature .

- According to the data, in the beginning of the period English-language
- tutors (70%) , ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) then it
- declined sharply inover the next
- two years to two-fifths of the percentage .
- In contrastthe contrary ( contrast - is for color ) ,

Alifah, overall, it was a good analysis, just be careful of your word choice as well as the tenses you
use in describing the time that the action was taken.
I hope it helped.

Scholarship / KGSP Scholarship SELF INTRODUCTION: How cultural migration 'merantau' has shaped me (Master's) [5]

Hi Putri, I can't wait to read your revise essay.
While you're doing your revision, do keep in mind the following;

- mind the English language rules as they can be tricky, as tricky
as they are though, don't be afraid to experiment and play with words
- be creative if you need to, however, make sure that you address the
prompt as straight forward as possible unless otherwise required.
- be prompt with the facts and figures, make sure that when you write,
the facts are gathered from a reputable source, this is a very good practice
and will be very helpful not only to writing but also in your daily life.
- keep your paragraphs bold and not in small cluster of sentences.

Lastly, let your mind speak and your heart listen when you write.
You know what, I write whatever I have in my mind and I have been practicing
this for as long as I can remember, it is a powerful tool that made my dreams
come true. It is true that your mind is very powerful and when you out it into writing
it's like you're giving life to make your dream come to life.

I hope this helps.

Letters / LETTER OF MOTIVATION FOR RWTH, AACHEN ADMISSION [8]

Prince, I believe the revised version is better than the original one.
I'm grateful that our insights here on EF are helping you.

Now, as much as I would like to give you a go signal in submitting your essay, I believe
you can still enhance it, I would like to share my remarks with the focus on the last two
paragraphs of your essay.

- The university is reputed as well as famousinstitution is reputable and known for metallurgy
- ThisIt ( this - is use when an object or the subject is near or pointed at a close range )
- After completing my masters,
- ThatIt would be an
- being theto be a part of one of the
- most reputedreputable research
- based universities ofin the world.

- In other perspective, as a curious history student, [....] exam 'Start Deutsch 1' on 1st April.( I'm not sure how this part of the essay will be helpful for you so I suggest removing them from the essay.

- I am not the best in world, but( never think less of yourself ) Armed with the useful
- I can certainly prove the worthiness that I am upholding. Afterwill prove my worth and after Graduating
- in June, 2016 I am absolutely ready to join in winter semester in October of same year, and have no doubt in seeing myself as the part of RWTH Aachen University. I hope to hear from you in the near future.will follow through with my education and RWTH Aachen University will be a great addition to my preparation for a great career in the future.

There you have it Prince, I hope I was able to help.

Writing Feedback / The line graph reveals information about educator recruitment, located in Ontario over 7-year period [4]

- information abouton educator recruitment,
- located in Ontario over a seven-year period,
- startedstarting from 2001 to 2007.
- Overall, it can beis obviously be

HI Mita, as you can see above, I made just a few remarks on your essay.
You have written your essay quiet well, this is very evident in the words that
you choose in analyzing the graph. I like the fact that you didn't stick to the normal
or usual words that are used in essays especially in interpreting the graph.

Moreover, you made sure that the graph is analyzed in brief and concise manner.
This way, the readers are able to comprehend properly and follow through your
analysis.

I hope my insights help Mita and do let us know when you need further assistance.

Writing Feedback / Total percentage of teachers enlisting in Ontario City (2001 - 2007) who teach English and French [3]

- about the total percentage
- from that information that ,
- despite the had experienced, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )
- decreased but over the period, the level increased slightly.

- Looking into the detail on, the
- data showed started

- Turning to total percentages of
- to nearly 50% in the next year.
- Moreover, the rate washas showed
- an increased rapidly
- Over the next years to finish in 2007,
- the percentage rise rapidly in which despite hadand the
- experienced dropped slightly below
- 70% in 2007 but it peaked at over 72% in the last period.

Adie, in this analysis, you were able to grasp the idea of the graph, however, the
description of what you think is the interpretation of your analysis is not shown
in your essay. I believe what you can do in cases or paper work like this is,
keep your analysis focused on your subject, make sure that it is represented properly and
the facts are accurate.

I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / It is evident that the parents and teachers have an essential key to manage the children's lifestyle [3]

Anita, after reading and understanding your essay, I believe you were able to point out a very good argument.
In an argument, you always have two sides of ideas, one that is gearing towards the positive effects of the topic
or issue at hand and the other one is the negative one that contradicts the facts of the subject.

Moreover, I like the fact that you created a simultaneous order of the idea that you presented in the argument.
You made sure that the opinion that you have are separated by the order of the idea, at the same time, you
were able to link the idea together at the end of the essay.

Now, for future reference, try to widen your net on the topic at hand, this way you will be able
to set a higher grid for your writing pieces. It will also help if you review the language rules before writing,
this helps avoid minor as much as major strikes in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Media should have a duty to publish only verified information and focus more on the important news [4]

Adie, I'd like to help enhance your essay by focusing on the 2nd and 3rd paragraph.
Upon reading it, I believe this is where you will be needing some modifications.

2nd paragraph
- First and foremost( this phrase, "first and foremost" is not observed in todays writing format ) ,
- medias should have ahas the duty
- to give each and every information
- into the public is
- matched which is not onlycredible and not one sided .
- Because tT he consumer
- that there are many levels of people

3rd paragraph
- every a news their publication
- provides to the society have
- a social education insidealongside of it .
- as such artist's
- personal life which their personal life cannotthat might not be a role
- model in the society.
- the rule to give information in society truethe role to be very efficient and true to what they provide the public with, information or entertainment alike .

There you have it Adie, what I notice here is your lack of association with the words with your ideas, you seem to have the idea

in your head but you were not able to transpire it in your essay. I hope this helps.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the integration problems for people of different age who live overseas [3]

- aged who live in overseas
- At firsta ( it's not necessary to say " at first " as a "glance" is only done once and you never glance again, instead you "look" at something )

- all the people in
- different agedages face
- shortingsorting out healthcare,
- sorting outheir t finances
- that is also the main

- Turning to the next analysisMoreover , the group
- of people aged over 55
- findfound the main trouble
- for my children.

Hadi, the analysis you made are quiet accurate, you made sure that the numbers, facts and figures are what
the graph illustrates. I hope my remarks helped. For future writing reference, be careful with the linking verbs
that you use in your sentences. Linking verbs may be small words but they help make your sentence mean more sense.

Writing Feedback / Information about the level of education among Bulgarians who chose to live in another country [2]

- elected by Bulgarianspeople
- in some years,for the following years,
- At firsta glance
- most of Bulgarianspeople
- go and lived in another
- than anotherthe other level of education,
- higher education and, primary and lower education.

- with thatthis level stood at
- 65% in 2002, and it wasa peakhas peaked among 3 years.
- Afterwards, tT his category
- declined minimallyto at least 4%,

There you have it Linda, the corrections I made is focused on the word form and usage of the words in your sentences that
makes up your essay. What I suggest is that you try to play with words and avoid using the same words through out the essay.

I hope this helped!