Undergraduate / The figure who has had a foremost and perpetual impact on my life. UT App Essay about my dad [11]

Since then, soccer and baseball have become two of my biggest passions.

With my dad being in the Air Force, I was naturally exposed to all varieties of airplanes.

My dad expressed the importance of education in today's society. Without a proper education, my future career growth would be very limited.

I can be nothing less than thankful to him.

I agree with Sean in that you should add an anecdote or a favorite saying of your dads, to personalize the essay.

Good luck
:)

Undergraduate / Macalester Supp #1 - the factors [5]

First, I think you can eliminate the whole first paragraph. Start with the line about your father recommending the school; it is powerful and personal. The first paragraph is all unnecessary; the reader does not need to be told that stuff.

For the rest of the essay, I think it is very impressive!! When telling the reader why you are a good "match" for Macalester, GET SPECIFIC. Name some specific resources, programs, faculty members, etc., that make it great for your UNIQUE career aspirations. Tell the specifics.

Undergraduate / emory essay (psychology field) [3]

How about we make this all one paragraph at the start, here:

The thirst for learning compels me to seek admission to an institution that offers the programs and resources that are exactly right for my field of interest : (what kind of) psychology. The undergraduate program of social science at Emory is exactly what I need to quench this thirst. The commitment of the faculty and numerous research opportunities in the department of psychology contribute to the originality of the undergraduate program.

The essay looks great, I just wanted to help with that part! Good suggestions from Priscilla.

Undergraduate / FSU Essay: "Vires, Artes, Mores", focus on "Vires" [4]

While it is true that this the nature of the concept of "physical strength," the truth of strength is found elsewhere. Now, right here at the end of the first paragraph make a THESIS STATEMENT that tells the reader the main idea of your essay. You raised a question about where true strength is to be found, so tell where it is to be found so that the reader knows what the essay is trying to say.

Transition into the second paragraph by telling the reader that you came to know where true strength can be found when you lost your physical strength that had become so important to you. Then, go on to this part: Since my child hood, I have always been athletic: Whether it is skiing, snowboarding, aggressive inline skating, swimming, football, lacrosse. I've always been on the move. And eliminate all the weak or unnecessary lines, like I did above.

good luck!!!

:)

Undergraduate / Macalester Supplement (experience in Kota Kinabalu) [14]

Take out all that is unnecessary:

Throughout the trip, everyone had to use extra caution. Handshakes and greetings were only considered polite if done with the right hand and a gesture as simple as pointing had to be done with the right thumb instead of a forefinger. The left hand is considered "dirty" due to its connections with the bathroom. It was obvious that life in rural Malaysia was very different from the hustle and bustle of Hong Kong, but we were open to the many adaptations and adjustments we had to make. After all, nobody was asking for us to live there forever. The village folk happily welcomed us into their lives and all we could give them in return was our respect. This was their society , and they weren't going to change it just so that we could continue to live our city lifestyles...

To this day, we remain in contact (albeit not very close or frequent) with each other due to the wonderful marvels of technology.

Good luck!!! :)

Undergraduate / Issue of Importance: "we hate change and love it at the same time" [2]

"Change" is a reality that affects us all. For one individual it may be seen as an advancement towards excellence, but for another, disaster. Many people in this world have experienced changes for the better or for the worse; in both cases, some struggle is necessary in order to adapt to this new environment that has been set upon them. Now right here you need to state the ain point of the essay. This is going to be your thesis statement, right at the end of this first paragraph.

If you add a good thesis statement, the whole essay comes together. As it is now, you really surprised me when you started talking about school calendars and the state legislature. Use that thesis sentence, at the end of the first paragraph, to tell the reader what your argument is and how it is AN EXAMPLE OF A TIME WHEN PEOPLE ARE NOT GIVEN SUFFICIENT TIME TO ACCLIMATE TO CHANGE. That is key, I think.

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Sean, that's funny. No, don't worry about offending me, especially when you are pointing out interesting things about language! It is interesting that the way people use "controversial" can reveal something about them. Now that I am thinking about it, I think it is like this:

If I assert that a particular practice is "controversial" when others see it as normal, it might reveal that I am opposed to it... but actually, I know that for me, the way I use the word "controversial" is always to refer to the fact that an issue is full of controversy. I mention that some issue is controversial in order to explain the role it plays in relation to whatever I am writing about. So, I have a clear purpose for describing something as controversial, and when there is a clear use for the word, it might be doing something other than subtly revealing a personal bias.

So, your scrutiny of people's use of that word is interesting, but it is an inexact science! :) If it was an exact science, you wouldn't have to wonder what my stance was on racial profiling, ha ha. The truth is, I think, that racial profiling is something that law enforcement and security officers can't help but use. We make associations as our methods of learning, and cops use their intuition as methods of getting stuff done. Put those two together, and you find yourself making little decisions all day long based on associations that don't necessarily mean anything. Personal associations are made about all sorts of things, but it is a touchy subject when people make associations involving skin-color. The associations we make are faulty, for sure, but we can't help it! So, I am certainly against racial profiling, in the same way that I am against any other discrimination, but I know that people can't help it!

Sorry for the rant.

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

Here is some help with the "I" problem.

Many experiences in my lifetime have shaped me into a person inclined toward veterinary medicine. I hope to major in pre-veterinary medicine and continue on to a graduate school to pursue my dreams of becoming a veterinarian. I am ready for the challenging process of ...

:)

Undergraduate / Mount Holyoke Supp. Which Verison is Better? [3]

I also liked version 1 better, as it was somewhat clearer.

This was quite an achievement considering athletic competition at my high school primarily focused on male sports and my high school does not have a pool.

I aspire to become a part of Mount Holyoke's Class of 2013 and commit my education and life after Mount Holyoke paving the way to a future of change.

"an incubator of outstanding female thinkers "... this is great.

good luck n school.

:)

Undergraduate / GA Tech essay [Volunteer. Travel. Study.] [5]

For 9 years of my life, I have been sprinting full force, tripping and scratching myself up , and all the while consistently running.

While occasionally I did have the time to do such things, worries about unfinished homework or upcoming tests kept pestering me. These worries kept me from such dillydallying, hypnotizing me into doing something "productive".

I played around with the sentence in question (above), but there are many ways to break it up if you feel it is too long or cumbersome. However, it is technically correct as it is. In fact, I thought it was an especially interesting sentence. still, I know what you mean about wanting to make it more manageable.

Undergraduate / Reflecting on life at 65-regrets, accomplishments ect. [8]

Well, I wonder, personal experience rather than -- what? Book learning?

Your title made me think of the way some religions promote certain BELIEFS while other religions involve meditative practices intended to bring about a certain EXPERIENCE.

I know that you are not necessarily talking about a spiritual experience, but those ideas are the ones that came to mind for me.

Undergraduate / 'I purchased a discovery' - Help with essay--University of Washington [5]

In the first paragraph, you might improve it by using a better word that "discovery." How about "revelation." I thought, at first, that you were talking about a vehicle the make of which is called Discovery (Dodge or something?). Anyway, discovery is a common word, and revelation might be better. I really like your idea of saying you "purchased" a discovery!

And here is some more help:

Since that fateful purchase, I have experienced moments in which the whole world melts away, and only my camera, my subject, and I remain.

Rarely will I respond in coherent sentences. <-----This is a great part!!

Rather, I will issue some stock phrase, often unintelligibly. "Kay", "yeah", or "hold on" have emerged as favorites, without regard to what the other person has actually said. Often, I simply ignore words directed at me altogether. In these moments...

Awesome, just get rid of that part with "kay," and "yeah"... (not necessary or helpful)


I think you will have a fascinating essay if you stick with the idea of that transcendental experience you described above. Toward the end, you can connect this experience, which you continue to enjoy again and again, with the field of study that interests you. ou can actually make that discovery/revelation the focus of the essay. You discovered a new state of mind that is available in the creation of photographic art. Keep that state of mind for use in school as well. Tell them about that experience, and don't digress too much. Only digress in order to explain that experience, that meditative experience.

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Macalester supplement - 'minor problem with our cultural difference' [11]

Being a teacher, the least thing you want is to stand alone before a large class where students range from 6-14 years old. Regardless of their ages, they are all naughty and each requires particular attention. I teach in ...

If there are foreign volunteers, we must ensure that

...

It was usual to hear uproar from the above class even before I got halfway up the stairs. The reason for the chaos that day was that the children erratically didn't want to study English, while the foreign volunteers, a Korean girl named Soon-ei could only teach that. Therefore, another local volunteer guy and I had to help her teaching.

This is great: I made a compromise with the children: we teachers would sing one song, then they had to study.

I think you should focus on that excellent idea (above) and tell about how WELL IT WORKED!! Talk about the agreement to do one song and then study, over and over. Get rid of all this:

In our hopeless effort, those mischievous students suggested another solution: [...] Hope that one day when that Korean girl come home, she won't tell her relatives that in Vietnam, I met a young guy who dance sexily and impressively.

Undergraduate / Obedient yet rebellious, disciplined, unruly; this person influenced me [25]

X was not, however, without his flaws. His outlandish character and gregarious attitude caused trouble in school back when we were younger. He was chatty and inquisitive, often too curious for his own good, and had his fair share of spills and thrills; luckily, I was always there to provide a reality check before X went all the way overboard.

When I said to clear it up... I was thinking more of character development. This new draft is very clear, and it really seems to work--but in order to justify taking this unconventional approach, I think you need to give X a good introduction. One great sentence can explain why X exists and what your experience of X has been. Imaginary friend? Inner critic? Someone you pretend to be? A persona against which you contrast your ideal self in order to better understand your ideal self? With one good sentence at the beginning of the essay, you can make th reader understand who X is to you and why X is REAL ENOUGH to qualify as the topic of this essay.

Good luck!!!!!

Essays / "Confessions of a Student" [25]

No, a topic sentence is the soul of the paragraph! But actually, if you are just telling events in a chronological order, maybe the paragraphs will take weird forms. Still, it is not good to think of it as taking out the topic sentence; Dianna Hacker explains in Writer's Reference that the topic sentence might sometimes follow a TRANSITION sentence... but the topic sentence is still there.

:)

But it does make sense to approach summaries in a continuous way.

Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]

In this once in a lifetime opportunity, I want to see my studies as a food scientist be put to practice and remove nutrient deficiency from the list of prominent problems that plague the human population. I think this third sentence should be the first. It's always good to start out strong!

I believe I can gain valuable lessons which will equip me to succeed in the real world where relationships and working in a team are essential.

Good essay!!
Good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / Macalester Supplement (experience in Kota Kinabalu) [14]

I really like your ending, it sounds great. If you want to add that sentence, I think you should put it in NEXT to last. Any other ideas that arise from that final thought? The end of an essay is a time for reflection.

:)

Dissertations / Suggest topics: HR Doctorate in Human Resource Management [25]

I think it is still too broad, and you should narrow it down more. One great way to narrow down a topic is to combine two ideas together. Like combine conflict management and the concept of "emotional intelligence," (Goleman). You can combine it with any topic, and then it will be a unique approach to conflict management.

:)

Undergraduate / "After I took a psychology course..." - University of Texas at Austin Essay [10]

In my junior year I read in article in TIME magazine regarding the declining
mental health of soldiers.

The doctors would give them antidepressants or anti-anxiety pills and send them
back to front where they were needed.

This is a great topic and very good essay. This looks like it's all one paragraph, and if it is, you should divide them up, but I think it might have just come out like that when you pasted it into your post.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / My first Essay. how a college education will change your life [28]

Being a teacher for five years has taught me a lot. ....oh, i see that Marcell already corrected that error... : )

I am confident that Empire State College is the right choice for me . With Convenient online courses that will enable me to keep my job while I -- empowered by God's guidance and the resources at Empire -- will make my educational dreams come true.

No, you have to stay true to yourself! If you have a relationship with God, you can't omit God from something like this just in case the reader is not religious. If the reader is a militant atheist, the mention od God will harm your chances of being accepted, but that is a chance that religious people have to take, I guess, rather than be untrue to themselves...

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Hey, Sean, that is a very interesting discussion of the way we reveal our opinions based on what we call "controversial." It certainly is good advice to not merely mention that something is controversial and then move on without explanation. Controversy demands explanation.

Grammar, Usage / How to enrich my writing? [10]

Thanks Marcell! That about says everything.

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

Inspiration at the Dog Kennel ... that makes an interesting title... It makes me want to know what the inspiration was.

Also, what was the other question you are talking about?

Essays / "It's Only Natural" - effects of the global spread of the English language (argumentative essay) [15]

Wow, very interesting!! Yes, it certainly is possible to write 6 pages about this! You can look at this article iht.com/articles/2006/10/04/opinion/edrachlin.php and make a list of the various points made by the author. Then, collect other articles written about it, and look at a book about Lenin.

Write an intro paragraph, and end the paragraph with this thesis statement that you chose. Do not just say it is time to bury him, but also give a succinct reason why. It would be like facing the truth...

For the rest of your essay, discuss points made by other writers. Also, discuss arguments made by people who do NOT want to bury him, and explain to your reader why they are wrong.

You can have a great time with this!! Conclude the paper by restating your thesis and reflecting on it.

Graduate / 'building new systems' - SOP for Master of Science in Software Engineering [8]

First, participating in professional development and internship opportunities at school or companies which involve large systems , large work groups , deal with end users, legacy systems include the reuse, understanding, and modification.

Second, by conducting research under professors, I can gain strong understanding about software engineering in the advanced stage.

Third, in addition to applying knowledge in research projects , I would like to keep developing positive working relationships with my team members, always carry out my commitments, take responsibility to do additional tasks I don't even like.

I hope that, in the future, I can use my understanding of software engineering to improve CIM system quality.

It looks good!

Good luck.

:)

Undergraduate / Obedient yet rebellious, disciplined, unruly; this person influenced me [25]

Great idea for this essay, but the lines seem blurry between you and X. I think you should separate your (selves) a little more clearly at the beginning, and be sure to answer the prompt.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / UW ESSAY ("a traditional Indian expatriate family") [4]

In retrospect, I have realized that my life there was more or less a closed circle - a circle that does not pose any challenge or throw anything at you but, just stares till you're done drawing it.

Its a good essay, but you don't focus much on what you want to study, and why.

Sorry for not getting to this sooner, hope it went well.

:)

Grammar, Usage / How to enrich my writing? [10]

Read the Elements of Style by Strunk and White for improving writing. For learning about the Internet... try blogging through Google's "blogger" or MySpace... and for learning about online networking check out the podcasts.

Undergraduate / My a leadership experience in school, work, athletics, family, church, community [7]

Great start, here is some help:

At first, my cousins wouldn't participate; instead they would rather arouse trouble all over the park. To keep them out of trouble, I persuaded them by rewarding them if they were to play tennis with me. They agreed, and we located a tennis court near our picnic. After a couple volleys , it seemed that it sparked their interest in tennis so much that they completely forget about the rewards. At one point, they stop to ask me to show them the techniques of a backhand stroke. I taught them how to serve -- both the backhand stroke and the powerful forehand stroke.

Undergraduate / USF supplement ESSay ("to promote learning in the Jesuit Catholic tradition [6]

Maybe a pause in the beginning, with a comma:

As I was reading the mission for San Francisco University, I felt very connected with the environment of this school, and I remember how it felt helping the children understand the meanings of the prayers and give them knowledge of who God is. While I was studying to receive my confirmation, I helped children understand the meaning of god and help them learn their prayers so they can receive their First Communion. This was one of the most interesting feelings I had when I was in the classroom helping the young children.

Check this for typos, and revise to say everything in fewer words! It is a very meaningful essay! I wish you luck; I am a big fan of Anthony DeMello, who was a Jesuit.

After becoming a professional, I would be able to bring the knowledge and skills back to my community and teach younger people about...

Undergraduate / 'doing something constructive that fulfills my time' - Personal Essay (a sense of who you are) [9]

I like the idea of being the architect and engineer of your life!! These terms at the beginning.. put them in " " marks:

"Ambitious," "motivated," and even "invincible" are ideas and characteristics that I strive to embody every day of my life. I am a person who is most satisfied when doing something constructive, so that I spend time without wasting even a nanosecond.

Essays / Risky ''journey to be oneself''. Loyola Marymount Supplement Essay [2]

This is a very meaningful assignment! I see that you are still trying to learn the language. I hope you have good luck with your process! here is some help for the opening paragraph:

The journey to oneself seems the riskiest of all, because in the way of finding yourself you can lose yourself. There are many decisions one must make that can be the right decisions or can be mistakes . It's a long journey one must take to find oneself and havewith many obstacles. Not being able to be true to oneself , being scared of reality, and many more things that can be considered obstacles. College is a big step, the most interesting adventure during which you'll have to learn who you are.

Writing Feedback / Leadership experience - leader is one who learns from their success and failure [4]

Good advice here! I'm sorry I did not get here in time! I would switch the paragraphs around and start with this short intro:

The lessons that I have taken away from my experience as a captain on my basketball will be instrumental in my success both at a collegiate level as well as in my career. Perseverance, determination and hard work are the tools that I need to rise from my failures. And in my success, striving to surpass my own excellence will ensure that I will never be content with my achievement. I will only continue to work on improving on what I have already accomplished.

Undergraduate / GA Tech ESSAY; "I would like to make my existence a useful one" [12]

What a powerful opening line!!

Encouraging people is what I want to do, regardless of how I do it.
What a brilliant, compelling thing to read! I would want to continue to read. And what's this now, you say:

Although there are many ways you can contribute to helping the community, there is one thing that I am good at: listening and caring.

Wow, it sounds like you ARE supposed to be a psychologist, ha ha! Are you sure that you do not want to spend your days counseling kids, adults, police officers, entire families, and so forth? It would be great! And you would be great. And guess what, your writing is already great as long as you strip away everything that is not YOU. That means it has to come from the heart, with no extra words.

One more thing: eliminate ambiguity. Ambiguity is the opposite of specificity! :) That is why I said, get specific. You do more than listen and care. Those are ambuguous, and actually they are 2 different things. What do you really mean? You mean the Art of Encouragement! That is what I am trying to do for you, and it is also what seems to be your calling. Do not say "listen" and "care."

Although there are many ways you can contribute to helping the community, there is one thing that I am good at: The Art of Encouragement.

Will that inspire you? You last post inspired me. It came from the heart in the way an essay should, and those two lines I discussed above came from it! Good luck with your leadership. Please check out the EF Contributor page.

Undergraduate / Colgate short answer; most meaningful piece of advice - "Chin up and smile" [5]

Ha ha! Hey, you are cool! The "my butt" part does have to go, though! Just in case of an easily offended admissions person! :)

Essays / "It's Only Natural" - effects of the global spread of the English language (argumentative essay) [15]

Hello! I'm sorry I had to remove that material, but we cannot have material here that comes from other websites. However, I know you were trying to do a good thing by collaborating about it here. It was a good list of ideas, and I think you should try them in different orders. In a word doc, use cut/paste to move them al around and put them into categories. Then, divide the paper into various sections. You will ave to go through and rewrite all the material in your own words and then cite the sources!

But a list is basically a paper. After you organize them, add an intro and conclusion!! Post here for fedback (but only original material!) :)

Writing Feedback / Sexual Harassment research essay [2]

Revise for conciseness by taking out unnecessary words. They suck the life out of writing! :)

To begin with , Sexual Harassment is "the unwelcome attention of a sexual nature and is a form of legal and social harassment". - Britannica 2009Ž. It is considered to be something that is an illegal violation of every human rights. of an individual . Sexual harassment can be done in two ways: through verbal or physical conduct. This harassment always creates intimidation, hostile, and an offensive environment in the society.

To use proper MLA, cite Britannica like this:

Sexual Harassment is "unwelcome attention of a sexual nature and is a form of legal and social harassment" (Britannica).

APA style would have the date:

Sexual Harassment is "unwelcome attention of a sexual nature and is a form of legal and social harassment" (Britannica, 2009).

Writing Feedback / Infertility treatments essay [2]

To answer your question, I think you should put title WITH the author's name so that it is perfectly clear.

This is very good! In order to make it more clear why these limits are preventing infertility from being sufficiently treated, you can list the main points that you made. Reflect on it in the last paragraph. The last paragraph can have a list of the main reasons. does that make sense? That will make it much stronger.

Fortunately, in this day and age there are numerous safe and effective infertility treatment options available; on the downside, though, they can be costly.

Dissertations / Suggest topics: HR Doctorate in Human Resource Management [25]

Wow, congratulations! It depends on your interests. What industry interests you? some ideas: transformational leadership, the resource based view of management, emotional intelligence, the "American Dream," the effects of the threat of terrorism on employees in your industry...

If you google research topics you can get many ideas, but make sure it comes from the heart, so you can get inspired from it! What type of work environment do you hope to get into?

Undergraduate / common app short answer help ("bare room lined with mirrors") [19]

Oh, I meant to connect it conceptually. For example, the passion you have for dance might also be related to the passion you have for your intended major.

Make a connection in any way that seems right to you.

:)