Undergraduate / "the game show Jeopardy" - draft of my Common App personal essay [11]

We would race to try to answer the questions, and with each question that I answered correctly, I would rub it in his face that he got beat by his son, three times his youngera third his age.

With his unique ability to combine uncanny astuteness and witty charm, Trebek seemed like a divine...

I began to nervously fidget in my seat and my mouth dried up.---This is so funny! Great writing!

It was unfair that I couldn't advance, simply because of a different pronunciation.

My dream of meeting Alex Trebek had been dashed! ---I changed your period to an exclamation mark to add drama. :)

I had a similar experience in 6th grade, after being overconfident, as I had won every spelling bee up til then. :(

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Now I See" Common App Transfer Essay [2]

I therefore decided to apply to a small liberal arts college, [My_School], hoping to nurture some hidden interest into full bloom.---I like the way you put this!

... major are offered every one or two years, and, like with many small colleges, there is not a sufficient number of opportunities to specialize.

I don't think you were too critical of your school at all, rather telling how you had come to 'outgrow it', so to speak. You should not be limited by what they did or did not offer there, and a transfer make logical sense. Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / "to work as hard as my parent had to" - Rice Supplement essay [2]

...they traveled halfway around the world and somehow established themselves within a couple of decades, to a nation so different from their own.

In the process, they provided me with a brighter future and access to academic opportunities, as I will be their first child to attend college in the United States.

Although some might view my situation as a burden, I believe these responsibilities have cultivated accountability and...

Although they are frugal in many respects, when it comes to my education and my future, they readily pour their resources.

Therefore, no matter what I hope to achieve, I plan to work as hard as my parent had to provide me with a promising future in attempt to repay them for all of the priceless resources they have endowed me.---This sentence should really be revised for clarity. If you read it out loud, you'll see how it's a bit confusing.

Have fun in school, and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Prompt regarding family - what counts as "family"? [2]

Well, the prompt says, "for example, your family, community or school", so your 'family' at camp should be fine to write about. It might also be much more interesting than a typical family story, and you've probably learned things there like teamwork, sharing, diversity issues, etc.

"I'm not a family person", sounds like a very sad situation!

Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Undergraduate / "Artes expanding on each of these attributes as a fellow 'Nole" -FSU application [2]

Artes, the drive to reach excellence in your craft, is a valueI realize that I have been living by this value for most of my life.

I was introduced to singing when I joined my 4th grade chorus class and loved being a part of a group of people working together to create one voice. This ---Start a new sentence here-- discovery eventually lead...

Around 7th grade, I discovered acting, which changed my life.

I believe art is about making yourself the best that you can be, and never losing the desire for consistent growth.---And self expression!

Working hard in anything you do is very important, but it is even more important to work hard for the right cause.

To do this, it takes strength of all kinds.

I choose to be more of a collaborative leader than authoritarian, while still maintaining order, and as a result we are looking towards one of the most successful years in those clubs than we have had in a very long time.

Having character is something very critical to being successful in life.

You are also very humble! ha ha

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / water conservation - ut essay transfer topic e - [2]

The world contains about 71% of water, and of that 97.5% m is salt water, leaving only 2.5% for fresh drinking water.

The average human needs to drink 80 ounces of water a day.---Well, they say it's eight 8 oz glasses, so that equals 64 ounces.

With our population growing and with water becoming sparse, there needs to be a solution that would not only conserve the water the world needs for nature to continually take the water the world needs for nature to continually take the water it needs and allow humans to have water we need to survive. ---Um, something went wildly wrong with your sentence!

These devices are placed in areas that do not need the water, such as on concrete.

Most of them use it for basic water necessities such as a sprinkler system or even water for toilets.

Rain harvesting systems are a great solution, but it is only the first step in to helping the world and the people in it.

There was recently a student featured in the Yahoo news for his science project on water pressure.

The project was to determine if cutting down the water pressure to a building in half...

Interesting essay! Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Soccer has made me less afraid of who I am - CommonApp [12]

"Faggot," he said tauntingly, coughing to make his remark less conspicuous.---They say that a strong interesting opening sentence is the best way to start an essay...you sure caught my attention! Nice opening sentence!

As a result, I became mutated---How do you feel about the word 'morphed'?--- into a person whose attempts...

Egregious ones, and lots of them.---I changed this because sentences should not usually begin with the word, 'and'.

Instead, I looked for ways to improve.

And With my fierce resolve to better myself as a soccer player came a much-needed dose of confidence.

You're an excellent writer! I hope you're taking all the creative writing classes you can, because your writing is unique, (resentment rocketing through my body) expressive and interesting. So many teenagers could benefit by the wisdom you've gained, and the knowledge that it's better to be who you are, than to hide it. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "the School of Social Science" - Rice Supplement (Why [blank] school at Rice) [4]

The election of President Obama was surely a historic moment for America,---I was very happy also, to be alive in the world when this happened!--- and it's implications for the future cannot be dismissed.

It signaled changing times for race relations in America, and has given hope to a new generation of minority students in their career choices.

...I can expand my horizons further, so as to gain an even larger --- 'better' or 'stronger' would be better here, I think.--- grasp on my future.

This may mean joining Rice's lauded forensics team, or perhaps becoming involved with one of the on-campus political organizations.

Great essay, they'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck and have fun!

:)

Essays / Special circumstances that affect your family's ability to fund your college expenses [7]

I think this is fine the way it is, but you could personalize it a bit, by saying something like, 'my mom works as a ...and my dad is a ...' just so your essay will stand out. It's almost always a good idea to make them see you as a real live person, not just another applicant. Anyway, it can't hurt! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine - the unique qualities of NU? [2]

As an Eagle Scout, I have worked with organizations directly, and have volunteered, to make other people's lives better.---It would be cool if you write a little about what you did while volunteering. It would make your essay a little more personal.

Like the medical student before me,---What do you mean by this?--- I would hope to get involved in student camps during the summer so I can make that impression on high school students , that science is cool , and to tell them that...

And I also hope to become involved in NU's community so that I can give back for all the wonderful things people have done for me.

Back at the medical camp, I still remember the cheerful medical student and have realized what an impression one person can make.---'Back at the medical camp' is not the right way to start this sentence...how about something like, 'I'll always remember that cheerful....and the impression she made...'?

Good luck with school. Your essay is well written and well thought out. It shows what an intelligent and motivated person you are!

:)

Writing Feedback / The variable number of water for the agriculture, industrial and domestic use [2]

Some of these ways are illustrated in the graph above.

Agriculture, industrial and domestic uses are being investigated in the century beginning from 1990.

The g raph shows that, a griculture contributes the most to the water consumption measure.

According to the graph, agriculture use gradually rose from roughly 500 to 700---500 to 700 what??--- by the year 1930 and then doubled its initial amount in the year 1940.

The table above illustrates the discrepancy of two countries, namely Brazil and Congo, with respect to their water consumption.

It can be seen from the figures that a higher population, 176 million, accounts for the higher water consumption of 359 meter cubed.

I wish I could see the graph! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Grandmothers - the angels of the earth. (B-CU admissions essay) [5]

This woman is single handedly the most loving, caring, charismatic, unselfish, strong-willed, truthful and sometimes stubborn woman I have yet to meet and I am thankful every day for her. ---In this case, as in most, every day is two words.

My grandmother was born on October 21, 1938 in Pageton, West Virginia, and to this day has been married 3 times.

She became a Licensed Practical Nursing in 1960, working with the Department of Corrections , and in 1987 went back to school to get her Ph. D. in nursing and became a Registered Nurse.

She encouraged my learning by rewarding my good grades in grade school, sending me gifts for my birthday, and just sending money because she felt that I deserved it.

From stopping things that were not exactly positive for me, to encouraging me to try out for things that have allowed be to become a better person.---Actually, this is not a complete sentence, and should be re-worked.

My grandmother is my guardian angel that God has been kind enough to allow to be here with me on e arth.

Her encouragement, faith and persistence have rubbed off on me and given me the push that is vital for any person's positive growth.

What a nice tribute to your grandmother! Good luck in school!
:)

Writing Feedback / MCAT-The nature of democracy requires that its citizens be dependent upon one another [3]

However, citizens do not necessarilyneed to depend on other people when they make certain decisions regarding their private lives.

While I did consult with my family and friends to gather their opinions , ultimately, I made the choice based on personal interests and goals.

In this case, what is important to me does not influence the interest of the society as a whole.

The function of the society and the interest of other citizens did not depend on whether I chose to study chemistry or biology.

Decisions that can influence the well being of society can have serious consequences.

Therefore, to ensure that the best decision is made, each citizen...

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / The production and sale of cigarettes should be made illegal. [3]

With the increased health problems that are caused by smoking, more...

However, these people tend to ignore that the positive aspects the cigarettes business brings to the society.

They also falsely believe that prohibition of producing and selling cigarettes will lead people to adopt a healthier living environment.

The cigarette business is one of the most profitable industries in the world.

The government receives a huge amount of taxes from cigarettes companies and it actually uses the money to help fund the welfare program, in which a lot of people can benefit from.

Making the production and sale of cigarettes illegal will definitely hurt the income of the government, and add pressures on many people who are in need of welfare programs.---This is possibly the worst argument I have ever read in any essay!

It may cause chaos in the community, since smokers can get depressed and do harmful things without having cigarettes.---Cancer and death also cause depression!

It may also increase the crime rate, since people...

Good luck in school, have fun, don't smoke.

:)

Graduate / CASPA Admissions: "motivation towards becoming a PA" [2]

What I have known for some time though , is that I have an insatiable desire to learn and that my empathy for people is a driving force in my relationships with others.

This company directs the preclinical trials of new medical devices which involves using animal species as test subjects.

My position as a research associate has allowed me to explore many different aspects of surgical care and demonstrate varying levels of responsibility.

In time, I also performed many of the surgical procedures, either as a primary surgeon or as an assistant.

... I learned that I truly love interacting with patients, as well as with their families and friends and other health care providers.

I feel that I possess unique personality traits which make me an ideal candidate for direct patient care.

Observing these professionals at work has allowed me to really see what the day-to-day life of a physician assistant is like.

Although my academic history has had its ups and downs, I feel...

I have a passion for excellent patient care, I havean extensive knowledge of science and health care, and I have the drive to perform exceptionally well.

This is a well thought out and written essay. Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / "Just another Thursday" - personal writing [3]

I hate Thursdays!
Academics have always been my strong suit. ---Make sure you put your periods, commas, and all other punctuation marks right up against the last letter of the word!

Reading for long periods of time has never un fazed me, nor has researching an abstract topic discouraged me.

I'm also very weak from all the junk food I have been eating to sustain myself for the last two weeks.

This is just a typical day in the supposedly pre university of Benin industrial training.

Not offering an engineering drawing course in my penultimate and final years of high school is a problem that never fails to slap me in the face every Thursday.

The class is in disarray, 600 hundred tired looking but determined students are battling with preparing their boards for the day's drawing

The hopes of these tired students are absolutely crushed.

Its 11:59 pm , my eyes are bleary , my muscles are aching , am both sleep and food deprived .

I like your dramatic and intriguing ending! Good luck with school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Ielts Topic: 'peaceful atmosphere' - Some people prefer to live in a small town. [3]

Many people feel that the life in a major metropolis is convenient and interesting.

Personally, however, I am in favor of living in a small town. The atmosphere in suburban areas brings me a peaceful feeling.

First and foremost, a peaceful atmosphere is attractive.

It is clearly seen that people in large cities face annoying noise and dirty air emitted from vehicles almost every day .---Two words here.

This is likely to adversely affect their mental health. Meanwhile, lives in small towns are a great deal more quiet and the air is always fresh.

In my experience, many people in urban areas even do not even know the names of their neighbors.

It is contrary to small town life, where...

Nonetheless, the peaceful atmosphere, ...

You made some very good points! Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "to become a researcher" - UF Admission Meaningful Event/Experience [2]

Her mentality is that of a child. She no longer recognizes ---(us, people, her family...)--and hasn't for years now.

My mom is Maria to my abuela; I'm not sure why she thinks that way, because Maria is abuela's name.

Tia Nancy, my dad's sister, visits abuela every day ---Two words here--- but even she has been forgotten by her.

Yet the fact that a disease like Alzheimers exists, which erodes at the bonds, the memories, and the connections that a person has is nothing but tragic and an abomination.---This is very powerful writing, I love the way you worded this.

The first time I looked into her eyes and saw nothing, was what pushed me onto the path I take to this very day.

I remember being devastated that the person I knew and had developed memories with was incapable of recognizing me.

A person who strives every day ---Many people make this mistake, sometimes writing every day as one word, as would be correct in the case of 'an everyday occurrence'.

Good luck in school and have fun! Very interesting essay.

:)

Writing Feedback / "the effects of birth order" - Multiple alternative explanations <GRE Prompt> [3]

Based on a study of 18 rhesus monkeys, in which first -born monkeys display higher levels of cortisol when faced with stimulating situation, the author claims that birth order has a definite role to play in ---plays a definite role in the levels of individual stimulation.

The alternative explanation could perhaps be that the 18 monkeys under observation could represent an outlier set, and the high cortisol levels observed in first-borns relative to their younger siblings could merely result from a statistical aberration, ---more than or as much as---than due to any real increase in stimulation in a stimulating situation such as an encounter with an unfamiliar monkey.---This sentence is very long and should be possibly cut in two for the sake of clarity.

Also, the high cortisol levels could be caused by other environmental or physiological factors that we are not possibly aware of.

Further, while the author mentions that the cortisol levels were up to twice as high for monkeys, it doesn't say for how many they were significantly higher and closer to the two times mark.

It also blithely transfers the attributes of monkeys to humans, which needn't necessarily be true.

Interesting essay!! You made some good points! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "never give up on any challenge" - FGCU OPTIONAL ESSAY QUESTIONS [3]

Students are from all over the world, in one place, working towards the same goal: getting a degree. ---By adding the word 'are', this makes it a complete sentence.

These qualities include being positive, respectful, adventurous, determined, and so much more.---I changed this to make it into a complete sentence, hopefully you see what I mean.

But, in my opinion one of my many positive qualities stands out the most: m y individualism.

I am quite the same.---The same as what? Finish the sentence.

I use my creativity in great ways every day ---two words--- of my life.

My creativity and individualism makes me who I am today, and I am proud of that.

This is coming along fine, just make sure you use complete sentences! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "On deck, Balcony Starz Rated R" -college essay for UF! [3]

"On deck, Balcony Starz Rated R" said the announcer over the roar of the anxiously a waiting crowd.

At this time our hearts were racing and our adrenaline pumping; we knew that we were the next team to take the floor.

Nine seniors on our team would be gone in less than 24 hours,and so we wanted it even more for them.

Running out onto the floor, the fans are loud, the lights are flashing, the music is thumping , and when the lights come on it's 'game on'!

I am set in position with my head down, gripping my flyer for when our music turns on.

Unfortunately , my team and I walked away with third place.

Just knowing that the season before we won multiple competitions and for this season not to win any, the feeling was overwhelming.

This experience has truly taught me that you win some and you lose some, but do not retrace them; ---Make sure to always put punctuation just after the word, with no space between.

...and looking for the school to bless me with the opportunity!

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "diverse coworkers" - common app short answer--work and friends [2]

As soon as I got my driver's license, I knew the next step for me was to get a job.

Being in high school, I could only have a part-time, minimum wage job, so I chose to work at Fox's Pizza.

It provided me with an adequate amount of money for spending and saving, but left me with little free time.

Through the typical hours spent rolling dough, sprinkling cheese, and slicing vegetables, I developed friendships with many of my diverse coworkers.

I like your essay! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Is Capital Punishment essential to control violence in society? [3]

While supporters hold that execution deters crime, opponents claim it is inhumane to deprive a fellow man of his life, whoever he is .

Admittedly, the possibility exists that capital punishment may lead to miscarriage of justice by mistakenly executing innocent suspects.---This has happened many times!

To make things even more complicated, political conspiracies have repeatedly put innocent people to death in the name of justice .

Take Socrates and Jesus Christ for example, both of them were imposed a death sentence as dissents for violating the ruler's interests , but as is...

However, these reasons mentioned above are inefficient in serving as evidence to abolish the capital punishment, because the death penalty, despite its minor faults , plays a vital part in preserving the safety and security of the whole society.

The cost of life itself also poses as a threat to potential criminals, preventing them from harming the others.

A society which imposes no more severe punishment than life imprisonment on murderers is one that perceives murder as a tolerable and unimportant issue, which is no doubt against human rights.---But isn't the person who throws the switch on the electric chair also a murderer?

Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Is it OK to write about a entrepreneur from India? (Apply Texas essay topic help) [3]

Yes, that is exactly the type of person you should write about, unless they specified a relative or an author, etc. Write about someone you find interesting in ways that could change your life or outlook on life, someone you admire...

Also, whoever reads your essay will be happy not to be reading one of the essays they get hundreds of, 'My Single Mother', my grandfather,... :)

Write about what this person did or does that causes you great interest, and how it has affected the way you think or see things, what kind of impact they have made on you.

Have fun with it, and don't forget to reel the reader in with an attention grabbing first line!

:)

Writing Feedback / People should have hobbies and do activities that are different from their own work [2]

In order to relieve themselves from daily heavy workloads , some people feel that hobbies and activities much different from those they are used to at work, is the best relief.

First of all, to be rest efficiently, one should choose the exercises and hobbies related to their work;---Almost always, a period is the best way to end a sentence.

...to their instrinic tendency; So ---another example of where a period should be.

For instance, the architectists who work in the office day and night to design the buildings, takes the go stairs up and down for recreation;

ByThis way, they breath the re fresh air, regain their energy and so on;

At the same time, they can share ideas and gain the inspiration from each other, which also cheers up the team spirit;

What's more, the effective role of such relaxation should not be ignored;

All kinds of these attribute ...

Above all, people should have hobbies and do physical activities that are very different from their own work,---This seems to contradict all you said about exercising WHILE at work!

Good luck in school and have fun!!

:)

Writing Feedback / "Our Challenging Lives at Laconia State School" - How to eliminate "to-be" verbs [4]

I do agree with you, whole heartedly, because if Jocelyn is half as intelligent and compassionate and well spoken as you are, then neither one of you should have been in a state school. I think it might have been so much better for you both if your parents tried to find some childless couple who would like to adopt, if they could not care for you and your sister themselves. But back then, society said that that was the thing to do, and told parents that if they wanted their children to have any kind of life, they should go the route of the state school...of course they encouraged parents to do this because if there were no children, they would not be getting funding from the state. Money IS the route of all evil!!

You should start a Facebook Page for former wards or students of Laconia, so you can all share your stories and also reconnect with old friends. Good luck in all you do!

Sue

Graduate / CASPA- PA Narrative. Describe your motivation for wanting to be a PA. [3]

The greatest challenges in life offer the best opportunities for growth and maturity.---Great opening sentence!!

Whether it be my first or last high school swim meet, working three jobs at one time, or taking a 400 level physiology course.---Incomplete sentence.

However, one event in particular has impacted my outlook on life and medicine---but you have not yet mentioned 'medicine'.

My sister was diagnosed with Crohn's disease.Un til---Leave a space between your sentences.

While expressing great concern about these symptoms to the medical professionals, she kept getting the same answer.

Although my sister has recovered and her Crohn's disease is in remission, my family continues to wonder why it took so long for my sister to be taken off of Humira when these were all commonly known side effects of the drug.

I think it's important to add here that had it not been for the PA who took the time to check into the situation, your sister might still be suffering. Also, that that was what made you aware of the importance of a job like that. This will be the climax of the story about your sister, the reason you have it in your essay.

Have fun in school and good luck!!

:)

Graduate / "the technologies behind the design" - SOP for MS in Information Systems in US [3]

Strong will power and firm determination pave the way to success.

This built-in hidden urge in me has been a source of inspiration and a confidence building device that has led me to aspire tothe Information Systems field.

School Captain in class 10 for *****, which has pupils of nearly 2500 students.---Seriously? That's almost how many people live in my whole town! Big class!

The college has also exposed me to cutting edge technology...

In MSc I l earned the technologies...

Immediately after completion of MSc, my Interest in Databases and Servers got placed me as Junior Database Administrator at *****, UK.

...I intend to take up doctoral studies and research positions in the industry or academia.

I have gone through the syllabus and found that this would be right place to quench my thirst for cognizance in my field.

I also feel that your institution is the best resource for my training and would enable for technical interaction with international students.

Apart from that, "Capstone Project" and the contacts you have with your Industrial Partners...

They'll be lucky to have you as a student!!

:)

Writing Feedback / "Our Challenging Lives at Laconia State School" - How to eliminate "to-be" verbs [4]

Serious health and mental problems were the reasons why he left this job.

I am so sorry for all you've been through, and am very happy that things are better for you now. I think you should get to work writing a book about your life, as soon as you get your computer! Good luck in all you do, you deserve all the best life can offer. Be happy!

Letters / internship application letter (student in computer science) [2]

Well, you have to write the cover letter, then submit it to us and we'll edit it and suggest ways for you to make it better. We don't do the work for you, that would not be legal. What WILL it mean to you to get this internship? What are your goals, and what have you done so far in working towards them?

Writing Feedback / I had power, but I seek happiness (examination) [3]

Like ants, they crawled across the screen,---I love this!--- one line after another, as I worked my way across the keyboard.

I sat in my black swivel chair, content with where I was.

Though every day ---two words here--- was hard work, at least I have attained it.

It was needed for survival, that is what--- living in that?- - that household taught me.

They paid attention to not hit my face and limbs, as they wanted to look good in front of father.---How about "...because they didn't want father to know about the abuse"?

After fixing the problem, it began to rise again and at an incredibly fast speed.

Finally, I had attained power.

She started to recite my schedule for the day.

Staring at her legs, I was content with where I was.

Interesting essay!! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Global awareness - "What characteristic appeals to you and why?" - FSU ADMISSIONS [3]

An old Chinese ---capitalize Chinese!---proverb stated, "Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere."---This seems like it should say, "Knowledge is a ..."

No matter what life takes away from me in my future, whether it be my house, my money, or any other materialistic things , I know that nobody in this world can take away what I've learned.

From my freshmen year of high school, until my junior year, I've been alternating between three different high schools.

All-in-all, learning has been the fundamental steps in my life.---This sentence doesn't seem to make sense, so you should revise it. Usually, if you read an essay out loud to yourself, you can hear what might not sound right.

Global awareness has shown me to see the world as one, and not as separate countries.

The prompt asks, 'which of the Florida State Characteristics appeals to you and why?' I don't think you're answering it. Say something about the school characteristic, THEN say what it means to you.

Have fun in school, and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "business, computer, military skills" Stanford School of Medicine Physician Assistant [2]

While working alongside physician assistants, I gained a new appreciation for their ability to work in stressful situations, ---no comma here--- while holding their composure, and their ability to look and understand at the bigger picture when dealing with a patient.

A career as a physician assistant has confirmed my desire ---This doesn't sound quite right. You could say, ...'is my desire...'

Becoming a physician assistant offers me the unique opportunity to integrate my respiratory therapy and clinical skills, which will have a significant impact on the health of an individual.

I am eager to combine the skills I have acquired as a respiratory therapist ...

There have been many times where I've found obstacles and challenges due to language barriers.

Furthermore, working as part of a healthcare team I wish to augment my skills through taking medical histories, examining and treating patients, ordering and interpreting laboratory tests and x rays, and making diagnoses.

Great essay, they'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Graduate / High Performance Computing M.Sc. SOP for the Univeristy of Edinburgh [6]

My interest in computers began with Linux when I was a 16.

After a day of reading about the Slackware distribution, I installed my first...

Having a B.Sc. in Physics helped me a lot to develop my analytical skills and taught me a mathematical and physical way of seeing life.

After finishing my career studies I did some basic research which I enjoyed a lot because of the freedom one has to propose ideas, and because I had the chance to develop a program with Fortran that calculated ionic charge states when they firsts pass through the solar atmosphere during solar flares events.---This sentence is kind of long, you might want to break it into two sentences.

I also entered a graduate program in economic theory which I am in the process of finishing.

My goal for the next year is to interact more with the part of software design and development and in the long term, become a software architect.

The reason of why I choose the HPC Master is because I would love to work with big computer clusters and develop parallel and distributed codes.

Your essay is great, they'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Ambitious dreams are better than realistic goals. [7]

A substantial number of people think that having ambitious dreams is the best answer, for the people, because they believe that if the dream is bigger, success is bigger, too.

However, I claim that realistic goals are better than unrealistic .

Firstly, people who have realistic dreams can design a concrete scheme...

For example, in my experience, I had a dream to go abroad, to America.

It is a possible dream, so I opened the notebook, searched the internet and designed a concrete plans .

However, if I have a dream to become a millionaire, it may be very difficult to make a plan, because it is too tremendous a dream, so maybe I don`t know how I would design my plans.

Moreover, the realistic goals are not only about sticking with specific plans, but also reaching the goals quickly. This is because that realistic goal is smaller than the ambitious one, relatively. ---Good point!

For this reason, I recommend that picking the realistic goals is the way to go to thehave success.

Although, some people say that it's better to aim high and achieve half of what you want, than to aim low and get it. :)

Have fun in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Should government support scientific researches even the researches have no practical [3]

The government always plays a major role in promoting scientific...

As far as I am concerned, though researches which can immediately solve problems need strong government's support, scientific research, ...

So the governments should not narrow their sight only in applied science which can bring immediate benefits .

Neither the discovery of the X-ray nor the invention of Penicillin was considered valuable at the beginning, but both of them have helped humans a lot later.

Another example is the electricity.

Suppose the government had refused to support the research of electricity just because it was useless at that time, what the world we live in today would be like? ---Did they really think of it as useless for a time?

Take Albert Einstein's renowned Th eory of Relativity as an example.

As a result, neither Einstein could not have put forward his theory of relativity, nor could there be subsequent significant breakthroughs in the physics field or even the whole society.

In addition, the government also needs to support studies...

... because tool-making was considered the defining difference between humjavascript:paste_strinL(selektion,3,''+'FF0000'+'','' ,'');ans and other animals before her research.

I was skeptical of your views at first, but you made some good points!

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Heartfelt Common App Activities/Short Essay on volunteering; review [5]

I like the second one much better too! It seems much more personal and a little bit more relaxed.

The sincerest of smiles greeted me. This is nice!

Each visit to the center invoked colorful and vivid stories from the vast annals of his life-----How do you feel about , '...the vast annals of the history that was his life', of 'history of his life'?

; New sentence--->Closing my eyes, I would vicariously imbibe his rebellious...

On the fateful weekend that Howard passed away, I sang...

This is beautiful! Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "figure skating" - my love and passion [3]

I clenched my parents' hands tighter than I ever had, as I took that first step onto the ice.

From that moment on, I started my journey as a figure skater. ---This doesn't sound right. You could say, 'From that moment on, I was on my journey as a ...Or, 'At that moment, I began my journey as...' The way you wrote it kind of implies that the process of starting went on and on.

Before I knew it, I was ----I moved your comma---going to the rink two to three times a day for practice.

Just recently actually , I passed the Senior Moves in the Field test, which I am especially ecstatic about because passing that test signified that I have completed all the other tests and reached the highest level.

... not winning a gold medal because to be honest, I've probably lost more than I have won.

Winning is just like the icing on a cake.---Well said!

So I have definitely learned to be quite patient, persevere through all the falls, and to get back up and continue to do what I love. ---This is excellent writing.

So here is to 5 am wake up calls, the cold, hard falls, adrenaline rush, meeting new people, competitions, disappointments, joy, breaking in new skates, feeling like I cannot breathe at the end of my program, and sacrificing for my love and passion because I am a figure skater. ----Nice strong finish!! I feel exhilarated from reading this!

:)

Writing Feedback / Ielts - students that travel and work after high school vs. those who don't [4]

Nowadays, in this competitive world,the knowledge gained form school and university is not enough.

It is believed that the students who study from school to university without a break are having fewer

This will be proven by analyzing both of these groups one at a time .

Firstly, looking at the students who finish their higher education without any time off in between have only theoretical experience and very less practical experience, as they are not...

These students, when it comes to practical life face more difficulties...How so? Please explain what you mean.

Further, it is expected that these students will be a better choice for most of the employers.

So what you are saying is that if students take time off and have jobs for a short time, they'll be considered as having some work experience? I guess that makes sense.

Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / The Boat "born into the arms of Delhi" - (common app) [3]

I love your essay! I cannot tell you where to cut it down, as your writing is so nice it seems as if I'd be cutting out part of a painting!

Good luck in school!