Undergraduate / "the experience of mastering Tae Kwon Do" - UC Prompt: Essay 2 [4]

When you have time, check out some books by Dr. Yang Jwing Ming, if you have not already. He teaches Taijiquan, not TKD, but it is important to learn the internal arts, now that you have so much experience! It would be a waste not to learn Qigong.

Good luck in school!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1, Psychology Major [5]

Nice! Now, maybe you should start with this paragraph:

In my second year of community college, I began taking psychology classes. After taking my first psychology class, I knew I wanted to become a psychology major. I assisted and acted in a short drama that students were conducting on campus. It was a film on the psychology of secrecy, love, jealously and affection. The film is still being shown in Professor Pham's Psychology 100 lecture as part of the curriculum.

Then, start the next paragraph by connecting your study of psych with your experience of it: I remember sitting on a plush couch in a tiny room...

Then you can come back to the present and tell how your psych class prepared you for the yelling customer... and how you are now certain that the psych program at [name of school] is the way to go!

However, only take that advice if it seems right to you. It is good this way, too.

Good luck!!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / My involvement in theater - Acting was officially my new hobby. UC transfer essay [11]

Oh, I believe you are right for particular forum...Instead of indenting, I leave a space in between the paragraphs.

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Mohammed Ibn Abdullah has made an impact on my life [3]

Oh, this is terrific! I only want to offer changes for the last paragraph:

I live my life with the guidance of his examples of righteousness, honesty, integrity, compassion, justice, and equity. How I walk, how I speak, how I carry myself, how I treat my mother and father, and how I behave as a son, brother, student, friend, and neighbor--that is all Mohammed in action.

Now, you should also delete this part: Mohammed died in 632 and left behind him a people united...Today Mohammed remains, more than anything else, a great role model.

By deleting that, you end with a powerful phrase, Muhammed in action.

Undergraduate / so far, everyone who has read it says it's good....Magic of Music ---UC #1 [8]

I think these three lines can go together in a single paragraph:

The glissando notes, like the rushing droplets of a water fountain, instill a serenity so poised and balanced that my heart lingers in the moment. I close my eyes. The music takes me into another world-a place far, far from here. In an instant...

I like the backstory in the parentheses, and I think it is alright right where you have put it. In fact, it does not have to be in parentheses... but I kind of like it that way.

A chang for the last paragraph:

I am a piano teacher. Though I am only seventeen...

Great job!! You write well, because language is a kind of music.

Undergraduate / 'passion for saxophone' - Additional Information about Myself [3]

Hi,

Lets make this sleek and trimmed by taking out what is unnecessary:

I did not perform as well, academically, as I should have during my early high school years. My focus was on video and computer games instead of studies. Gradually , I became somewhat anti-social. However, my dad's friend who is a professional saxophone player suggested finding a hobby-such as playing saxophone-after listening to my parents' concerns. I started saxophone right away.

I took out some sentences that were unnecessary: I spent most of my free time not studying, but playing games. My attention-interest-was on games and games only.

I like how you connected the saxophone success to your plans for college. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Ready, OK!' - Cheer UC admissions Essay [2]

Lets put these words in quotation marks:

"Ready, Ok!" These are the words...

Also, I corrected this sentence: I was only a high school junior, so I knew little about Down Syndrome, except for the little I had learned in Biology.

Use commas to give the sentences rhythm: Before I knew it, the school year was coming to an end and graduation was around the corner.

Ahh, so now, at the end, I understand that the essay is about your accomplishment: empowering a girl to achieve her goals despite her developmental disability. You can say this in the first paragraph, so that the reader is ready for the story. Then, in the last paragraph, you can suggest that you hope to make similar contributions during your time at this school to which you are applying.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Inspiring Book that Changed My Life (holocausts) [2]

I recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Frankl!!

About this essay, I think you could add one final sentence at the end that will directly answer the question of how the book changed your life. You explained that you agree with it... but you can also explain how it changed you.

I also made some changes to the first paragraph:

One of my favorite literary genres is history, especially stories of Jews and other ethnic and religious groups who have been persecuted. I have read many fiction and non-fiction books about this specific event, and loved every single of them-it shows the victims' effort to retain their faith, to overcome their hardships, and most importantly, to stay alive. In both fiction and non-fiction books, I always identify with the victims, like I am the main character struggling.

Undergraduate / SAIC Personal statement - your personal vision [2]

Hi, what you wrote is all good, but you need to choose carefully what to include in this statement of purpose. Three thoughts are here: Hate my mom, want to show the world through art, and financial difficulty.

In order to make a powerful essay, you need to INTEGRATE them:

I hope to win support in the form of scholarships, because this will enable me to achieve what has seemed impossible. Financial difficulties and unhealthy relationships have thwarted me in my aspirations, but...

When you determine the central truth of the essay, you will come up with a great conclusion.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / help with essay for aboard [4]

Take sentences in the PASSIVE voice, like this one,

"Learning new things has always been one of things I enjoyed doing."

...and make change them to the ACTIVE voice, like this: I have always enjoyed learning new things.

Also, take out unnecessary/unhelpful things like this: (this is my first choice, I might change it).

When you re-write this, you should perhaps take one strong sentence and move it to the beginning. Try revising with this sentence at the beginning: I want to study aboard because it gives a hands on experience, culture, and language. I like that sentence a lot.

Go through it, and try to clarify every sentence, like this: China has a lot of history and traditions because of having existed for such a long time.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - "Abacus, Plastic Coins" [2]

Hello, nice job! I would like to have you add one sentence to the first paragraph:

Right here, add an introductory sentence that sums up the truth of the essay. Residing in a quaint house that sits on a lively suburb are my mother, father, grandmother, and me. Because my dad needs to work to support the household, only my mother and grandmother are here to raise me. Add one more sentence to tell the reader that your early experience with money and numbers inspired you to seek mastery of economics.

With a good foundation paragraph (above), your pleasant writing style will be put to its best use throughout the essay. Them, connect the closing paragraph with something that you mentioned in the opening paragraph. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "No pneumonia" - Common App #6---There are worse things [3]

Wow, nice job. This is a strong essay, especially because it is about something that just happened the other day. You will do well with it, because it is of real interest to the reader. Now, lets put the beginning together like this:

"No pneumonia," the doctor said. "But she does have the flu." I was infuriated. This was not how my Thanksgiving was supposed to go. I was supposed to be in Boca Raton with my family, enjoying a proper meal with turkey and cranberries and green beans and pumpkin pie, traveling to the beach the day after, soaking up the sunshine and maybe seeing Twilight or Quantum of Solace. Instead, I was stuck at home with a hundred-degree fever, unable to even stand on my own.

"It's not fair," I sobbed as my mom helped me into my bed. "It's just not fair." I, of course, had no idea what "not fair" was. (Right here, add a sentence that captures the meaning of the essay)

Take out any unnecessary words and phrases, and send it in! Great essay.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Personal statement- what i would bring to diversity in the Rice community [3]

Hello, you obviously write very well. At this point, the good thing to do is make it more powerful by telling the story in fewer words. Thus, I would edit like this:

I am the eldest of four children born into poor family in Addis Ababa, the crowded capital of Ethiopia. My parents tried to shield me from the fact that we were struggling with money as they tried to keep us safe and, very importantly, in school. My dad was away for months at a time, driving trucks over mine-infested terrain for the military during the Ethiopian-Eritrean War--just to support my family. I began to develop independence over time, because my sister and I were usually left alone or in the care of a neighbor.

I am sure you will be accepted into Rice. Perhaps, you need to remove some sentences and talk more about "what you would bring to the diversity in a college community."

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC(#2) "Pushed Over the Edge" [3]

Hello, the biggest problem this essay has is keeping the verb tense consistent. I also fixed this sentence:

My mom walks into the living room, calling out my name but I was so fixated on the game, I reluctantly answered.

Change it to: My mom walks into the living room calling out my name, but I am so fixated on the game that it takes me several moments to respond.

You also need to keep the verb tense consistent. Go through this and bring it all into present tense, like this:

As we get closer to the park, the lights from the city slowly begin to fade and the pure essence of nature appears.

These are beautiful sentences. Now, just keep the tense consistent. Near the end, you can switch from the story to reflection, and maybe then you will want to write in the past tense, but generally you should keep the tense consistent. If you have trouble bringing it all into the present tense, bring it all into the past tense: My mom walked into the living room...

Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "the experience of mastering Tae Kwon Do" - UC Prompt: Essay 2 [4]

Hi, this is very good! I separated the first paragraph into two... do you like it this way? I also made some minor changes, but it is already very good.

I was very reserved as a child. I never wanted to go out to meet new people or do new things. I was complacent with the things the way things were. I always hung out with the same neighborhood kids I grew up with. It took a lot of effort to get me to say hello to a new classmate, and I'd break out in a cold sweat when approached by a stranger. To say I shied away from the spotlight would be an understatement.

As an eight grade student, I walked past a Tae Kwon Do studio in session. I was taken away by the confidence and intensity of students as they trained in the martial art. Since then, I have won two silver medals in a sparring and form competitions . I have also have received my Black Belt. I never thought that achieving my Black Belt status would bring me such pride; however, my accomplishments in Tae Kwon Do played an instrumental role in shaping the self-assured person I am today.

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt #1, Psychology Major [5]

Oh, I understand your motivation for studying psychology. You experienced adversity as a child, and the psychologists did not really help you. You even found that some were unscrupulous. However, before losing your faith in psychology, you had a meaningful experience of observing a possible behavior disorder. In retrospect, perhaps those illegitimate psychologists from the ear plug program also experience maladies that cause their behavior! In a solid introductory paragraph, you should explain this process that gave rise to your interest in a psych major.

good luck!!

Undergraduate / Earthwatch experience.... Personal Statement number 2! [2]

Hello,

I took out some unnecessary words, but you can trim it down much further. Take out the sentences that are least important to you.

I separated the first sentence from the rest. Make it into a paragraph that tells what the essay is about. Then, trim away enough text to make room for a conclusion paragraph, too. You need less description and more reflection.. It is too bad that there is a word limit, because you write very eloquently. Still, you need to trim it down!

Every discovery comes from exploration. Exploration comes from opportunity. It all becomes a growing experience. (now, make this the intro paragraph)

Last November, I applied for the Earthwatch Student Challenge Award Program, after recommendation from Mrs. Bravo, my former science teacher. I was not exactly sure what I was signing myself up for, but I was encouraged by the details of the program. All Earthwatch expedition groups were led by professionals in a field of science, and all accommodations are paid for the Student Challenge Award Program winners. I was hesitant to apply at first, because I did not have a strong background in science, nor had I ever traveled alone and lived with strangers. Mrs. Bravo reassured that it would and become a prospect for my future, and encouraged me to apply . After two months of grueling anticipation, I received an acceptance packet with my planned expedition: Transient Phenomena in Astrophysics.

I had mixed emotions: happy about the feeling of acceptance, scared about meeting seven strangers, confused about astrophysics, anxious about traveling. Although I had inner issues about comfort zone I accepted the award and vowed to myself to astrophysics for two weeks. I left my parents at the security checks, I hoped onto a plane headed towards Los Alamos, New Mexico, crying half of the way.

When I arrived in New Mexico, the seven other strangers from around the country had faces. They became more familiar once we started to eat, hang out, and learn together. The Astrophysicists from the Los Alamos National Laboratory and the other expedition leaders were down to earth people who shared a passion for decoding the mysteries of space. Their lectures were exciting and enriching. I learned so much. The most elevating experience of the expedition was the late night observing. I explored the sky with my bright eyes and astonishment. There were so many stars! I felt like I have just discovered shiny, everlasting diamonds. They belonged to everyone, and put on display for the whole world to see; that is, if the clouds do not steal them away.

Now add a conclusion

Poetry / "The things I've said" - a poem about writing [2]

Thanks for posting this! I like it. I hesitate to offer suggestions for change. Some punctuation would be nice, though, to help me know how to read it. Imagine reading it for the first time--where would you need to pause? Use some periods, perhaps, and some semi-colons.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Lung Collapsed" Personal accomplishment UC #2 (THANKS GUYS) [2]

Great essay. You might want to remove the contractions and write the two words ("wasn't," "wouldn't").

Also, use commas to create a nice rhythm: Yes, I was confident about what I knew I could do, but I still had to face that fear every single time in order to do what I loved.

You told a nice story in the second paragraph, and now you should probably add a third paragraph to reflect on how this experience "makes you who you are." You can make room for a third paragraph by taking out some unnecessary words...

Good luck!!!

Essays / AP Literature; THESIS STATEMENT & Introduction [4]

What's this, you need to explain why you want to major in literature? Literature is human thought codified in language, written symbols! It is more exciting than anything. I think you should take another look at some of your favorite literature, and write one rhythmic, flowing paragraph. Celebrate literature.

After than, write another beautiful paragraph about your professional aspirations.

Finally, conclude by somehow connecting your favorite literature with your professional aspirations.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Writing Feedback / 'change must come from the top' - written for English CLEP [3]

Hello,

I changed the organization of the paragraphs... try it this way! I added "s" to the end of some words, too. Now, you just need to add a powerful, reflective, concluding sentence to the end of the last paragraph. Good luck!!

Kevin

The education system in the United States has seen better days . Our scores have never been so low compared to the rest of the world. In order to change the system we must first look at the components making up the education system: the teachers and the students. The education profession has become unpopular. Students finishing high school rather study computers or business' professions that are financially and image wise, better. The United States is loosing many of its potential educators.

As for the students, living in the digital age means getting what you want when you want it. The computer with its ever changing games, programs and options causes aggravation to children when entering the classroom. In addition, children's attention span is much shorter making it harder for them to grasp complex ideas. These two variables make it very hard for both teachers and students to cooperate. Government funds must support teachers by raising salaries that will glorify the profession and attract young potential educators. Teachers need to find new ways to handle the short attention span and the students will have to deal with a long school day. This will allow more time to study, help with homework and enrichment in different areas of interest.

The change must come from the top. A government that supports and glorifies education as an important issue will win good teachers and good students that together yield - good education.

Undergraduate / Cbest exam; Property theft - problem in community essay [5]

Aside from drugs and homicide, property theft has been one of the greatest problems faced by every community. Property theft causes victims property damage and loss. Usually, if there was a robbery in a house, thieves break windows or doors to get in the home which causes property damage. In addition to the damage being done, the theft victim will be at loss; household appliances, jewelry and money are the most common interest of these thieves.

Other homeowners would be very afraid of leaving their home, opting instead to stay home and guard their property.

Trust among my neighbors was compromised when a particular house was robbed.

Some homeowners thought that their next door neighbor might have been the thief with the numerous cases of theft arising. Some next door neighbors would even observe others' movement throughout the neighborhood.

In our community where theft was a problem, concerned homeowners have initiated a program which involves other homeowners and the authorities.

The program was very much successful because there have been fewer occurrences of theft since it was established.

There is no way that property theft will be eradicated , because thieves are everywhere waiting for their next move.

Hi, I switched around the opening sentence and changed a few words. I hope you like some of the changes. Take a look at the paragraphs, one at a time, and see if you like it this way. I moved a few sentences... good luck, sorry for the delay in helping!

Undergraduate / work habits and time management - Common Application Extra Curricular [2]

I took out the opening sentence, because, although it captures a scene from your experience, it does not really fit with the rest of the piece. Try this:

I participated in a research laboratory at SUNY Downstate, and my project involved determining the relationship landmarks had on the goal-choice location made by rats. I thought that working with rats and conducting trials would be fairly easy - little did I know I got more than I bargained for. I had to discuss research ideas with my mentor many times, endure the hostility of the rats, and deal with setbacks. I spent most of my free time reading through textbooks, interpreting data, handling rats, and teaching others proper lab techniques. In the end, not only was I delighted to take part in this project, most importantly I learned how to organize my work habits and time management - something I could use for the rest of my life.

Perhaps you should add a sentence that mentions the school/program for which you are applying. Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Double-major in music / Political science major - Emory and Duke essays [2]

I like the forthright way you explained how Emory became a point of reference after having been the first you visited. Try to find one more strength that their program has to offer... one more supporting fact.

For Duke, try saying the same things with fewer words, and then using the extra space to celebrate the school some more. For example, Instead of "I am interested in pursuing a major in political science when I attend college," just write, "I am interested in a political science major, and Duke offers..."

Find the names of two faculty members that will be important for you in your chosen programs.

good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / to give myself to the world - does this essay fit the prompt? [2]

Great essay! It is more entertaining than most essays.

Try not to start sentences with articles (i.e "and," "but," "or").

Try to say the same things with fewer words... but do not lose any of your cool, rhythmic style!

Take out the contractions, like "I'm" and write out the two words.

This is quite a strong essay. Good luck putting your anger to good use!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - "I was a loaded spring" [11]

Ah, you start and end with mention of your wild side. Very good stuff. Can you give an introductory sentence that captures the whole truth of the essay?

Good luck making it shorter. All your sentences are very nice, but you'll have to kill some to meet their requirement. Say the same things in fewer words!

Good luck!

Undergraduate / The irrevocable statement of John Hersey "success starts with a failure" is locomotion of achievers. [12]

Try it this way, and see if you like it. I took out one sentence that did not make sense:
"Even a journey can never start with a first step."

See if you like it this way:

Just as I began high school, everyone was speaking English, which was like Greek to me. I could not express myself; the situation was like that of the historic people of the tower of barbell where language originated. Not only that, the word "Ma" always scared me, coming to think of the full word Math. The study of math was really a daunting task for me. Algebra and Geometry were torns in my flesh. I was laughed and scorned by most of the teachers and students in my school. My name became the topic of the day and rumors like, where is he from? Why was he even admitted, was the rumors circulating in the school. I received several advices from peers and teachers to quit.

Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

I understood these requirements, but growing up the responsibilities became less banal than what might be the case for a normal teenager.

Now my perception of a normal teenage life has changed because I'm living it, my assumption of parent responsibilities were cliched abstracts, but what I am living is real.

I made some changes above, for your consideration. Good luck!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / College community experience & diversity - Common App Prompt 5 question [2]

Here is a good trick. Take a story that requires 2 paragraphs to tell, and try to tell it in two sentences. Try to cover everything in two sentences, and you will see that you get two VERY strong sentences.

After that, continue by explaining what you will "bring" to the college community.

How long did the instructions say this is supposed to be? It is usually okay to go a little bit over the maximum number of words, but not too much. Good luck! Write with rhythm.

Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

Oh, I apologize... I see that it is supposed to be fewer than 150 words. It is about 170 words right now. So, you have to "kill one of your darlings." That is what Stephen King calls it when he has to take out sentences.

Good luck chopping it down to size!

Undergraduate / What tutoring means to me - Common App Short Answer [10]

Just for fun, I'll try taking out lots of adverbs and adjectives. Doing that makes your paper very powerful. I'll also divide up the paragraphs for you to add to, as you become inspired again now:

... he flashes his completed worksheet at me and exclaims his ...

... learning how to instruct with patience and compassion.
... the intricate learning process undergone by each of the students I tutor.

Nice job. Add a sentence to the end... a sentence that wraps up the whole truth of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Members of a group can learn from each other, and it will help compensate one's weaknesses. [3]

At the start of the essay, you might want to list the main points you will make.

Also, spend a paragraph acknowledging the arguments AGAINST group work. For example, everyone in a group might shirk responsibility and leave it all up to one member to do the work.

Another reason group work is preferable is that errors can be avoided if everybody helps to ensure accuracy.

If you search for key words with Google Scholar, you can find a good article to support each point you make. Mention research studies that support each of your ideas. You'll need 3 or 4 of them.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Late Show style Personal Statement [5]

If you want to use this format, perhaps you should prepare the reader with an introductory paragraph. In my own opinion, I think you should try to convey the same story in normal, paragraph form. You are very creative, and the reader will know that about you no matter what form you choose.

Here are some suggestions:

Opening my eyes, I can still hear the clapping----oh, it is heavily raining outside---a blade of lightning lacerates stifling clouds with roaring thunderclap. But I am thrilled. A new dawn is on the horizon, and so is my dream, in which I fervently believe.

In the postscript, remove this phrase: Unlike probably most Chinese students or possibly even students in your college. Instead, just write:

I am not interested by college as a means to make more money in my career. I want to go to college so that I am prepared to go out into life fully prepared and equipped so that I can make my contributions to society supported by a sound education. That is why I want to go to college and that is why I am asking you to view my whole application with open minds and open hearts. From my side I can give you my fullest assurances that I will make your college more colorful and proud to have had me as a student, proud to have me as an alumni.

Writing Feedback / Essay about selecting the course. [6]

Your paragraphs are very short, so that leaves room to cite a good source at the end of each. Find an article about intrinsic motivation as it is enhanced by student choice, and refer to that article at the end of the paragraph about intrinsic motivation. Then, find an article about skill development as it is enhanced by student choice, and refer to that article at the end of the paragraph about skill development.

By citing good research studies and scholarly articles, you make it a strong paper. It is easy to find good articles by using Google Scholar.

Also, add two sentences to the end of the first paragraph to tell something specific about intrinsic motivation and something specific about skill development.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / The fundamental ideas of economics are rooted in the everyday decisions of the common people [7]

No, the essay is not bad at all!

Here are some things to change:

Start by stating your intended major, and no one can accuse you of not answering the question clearly.

My observations in their businesses have always lead me to ask myself why some businesses thrive and succeed while others stagnate and fail.

Challenge yourself with paragraph 2: convey the same story in half the words.

Perhaps you should take the first paragraph and make put it at the end, as the conclusion. Then, add a new intro paragraph stating your intended major and capturing the life lessons that make you interested in that major.

Good luck!!! Show them that you are a methodical thinker by the way you write!

Undergraduate / Misreading the topic? - UC prompt 1 [4]

Maybe you should change this sentence:

Unity in diversity is what the government advocates, so this has been entrenched in us since we were young.

Oh, I am going to give you the same advice I just gave to another member: Read each paragraph and write a sentence that captures the meaning of the paragraph... and tack it onto the beginning of that paragraph. This is how to make strong topic sentences that help the reader follow along.

By using topic sentences, you will really be able to know what you are writing about. What is it that you are writing about, this story of your past? What is your story ABOUT? You certainly have an interesting life.

First, tell the reader the moral of the story in a good intro paragraph.
Second, add good topic sentences to the beginning of each paragraph.
Third, take out unnecessary words and shorten sentences to make it more powerful.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Undergraduate / "My mom and dad's office" - UC prompt 1 and 2 [11]

Oh, these look very good, now. Are they close enough to the word limit?

Essays / essay about the nature of estrangement [4]

Hello! Does this involve the Nature vs. Nurture question? If so, type nature vs. nurture into Google. Also, you can find articles about it by using Google scholar.

Do you mean child development?

If so, you might want to do an Internet search for "child development" and "Nature" and "Nurture." See what other people have written about the influence of nature (i.e. the environment) on development.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 "Living life with no regrets" [3]

I do not remember exactly what he said, but the main point of his speech was that the graduates had been given an opportunity of a lifetime and that they had seized it and made the most of it.

You should not use contractions (i.e. "don't"), but instead write out the two words.

I really like the way you concluded this.

To make it better, try doing this: read each paragraph, and try to write one sentence that captures the meaning of the paragraph. Tack that sentence onto the beginning of each paragraph. After that, go through and try to shorten the whole thing by writing each sentence with fewer words; only shorten sentences when it will make the essay better, more powerful, packing a stronger punch.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Letters / Knows the goal and how to achieve it; Letter of Recommendation from Chemistry teacher [6]

You can clarify to convey the idea that she did indeed excel and show enthusiasm:

What impresses me most about ABC was neither her excelling at academic achievement nor an overly/excessive enthusiasm on the lessons (although these are two of her important strengths), but rather her continuous effort to fulfill the goals.

This is a nice letter of recommendation,

Kevin