Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] What discovery in the last 100 years has been most beneficial for my country [6]


Write short sentences.... that helps your sentences become more interesting. Also, give more prominence to your reason. What's the reason here? It is;
To begin with, the Internet brought many advance solutions in the field of communication and entertainment that enhanced our quality of life. ... this is the real reason

Prior to the Internet, telephone and letters were the main modes of communication between people. As communication options, telephone is costlier while letters are pretty slower. However, the Internet offers both highly economical and speedy solutions in contrast to those communication modes.

Graduate / EXCELLENCE IS A HABIT; Excellence is a prime weapon of a dexter person [2]


Excellence is the intellectual power which drives us towards our goal OR
Excellence is the intellectual power which drives us reach our vision in life.


It is the power that one requires to develop from childhood and as the great Greek philosopher Aristotle describes, "We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

Scholarship / If I were given a blank airline ticket, where would I go? [2]


.... and although I had heard many great stories about my aunts, uncles and cousins, I had never physically met them..... I added some adjectives to enhance the feeling. Your way is also correct :)


.... hey... this gives a bit of a confusion. I first thought you've never met them before, and this sounds different. I feel you better re-do this part to make things more clearer to the reader.

Good writing anyway :)

Graduate / My Homeland Uganda, statement of Purpose Public administration [3]


Uganda, my homeland is still a developing country with very little attention and interest in Public Administration. While growing up, though unheard the words "public administration", I always wondered what I could do to make a positive difference in the lives of my people.


.... I feel you can take this off... It's almost said in the previous line.

Undergraduate / I am one-sixty-fourth French; MIT: cultural background, activity you do for pleasure [2]


... :D ... Well those numbers confused me.... I think you should leave the previous line with one sixty forth and this one without that speicification;
The remaining fraction builds up from my ancestors from Karnataka, a Southern Indian state.


... that's interesting :D... Better you explain what Desi means because they may not know that .
Anyway, it's interesting. However, add more positives to the confusion part because that word gives a bit negative feeling.

Graduate / Desire for helping people; Nursing School Personal Statment [2]


I think this gives a more catchy start to your response. How about this?
I still remember the exact moment that I decided that I wanted to be a nurse. It was the summer of my 12th birthday. My dad and I were working on a farm putting metal roofing on the barn. My dad ended up cutting his knee open while stepping over the corner piece of the roof. He instantly began to lose a lot of blood due to his blood thinning medication. Realizing he was unable to stop the bleeding on his own, we drove to the hospital. While at the hospital the doctors allowed me to put the stitches in his knee. Being so young at the time this felt like a huge deal, and I felt empowered. Seeing his knee heal made me feel like I could make a difference and that I could help people. From that moment on I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a nurse. .... This is the exact things that describes your passion. So give more focus to that. Then go to the next para to tell about your background.

Scholarship / Something to be changed about my community [2]


I asked from the pair of eyes in front of me..... eyes or lenses? ... are you asking from your camera or yourself?


What makes you happy?.... you asked and this is the reply.


They knew that how my family will benefit from these sweat and tears of mine.

Writing Feedback / May's Camping Trip; stay on topic of the title is the instructions [2]


.... this is all good except for the repetition of the word "camp" in every sentence. Avoid that effect.
I was very excited about the camping trip I would be going to make with my peers. As per the brochure, we would have lots of fun activities there and it would be a true educational experience. The Camp Fox was located east of S.D. County.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should the government subsidise heavy indsustries to improve economic development? [7]



.... even this sentence is a bit too long. The danger with writing long sentences is that you may be carried away at the end of it. It gets you to make grammar errors and also it disturbs a smooth flow. Try to write shorter sentences limiting one idea to one sentence.

Also, this one is out of topic. Deal with how heavy industries support economic development and whether they need government funds for survival.

Speeches / EXCHANGE STUDENT; Important decision made during my university career! [4]


One of the most important decisions that I've got to make in my university career is to be an exchange student.


My university in my home country has got a project that needs to be carried out with the cooperation of the University of Latvi


.... Well, all these sentences sound the same to me :(
.

Writing Feedback / Applying for the position advertise in a weekend paper for a job as a local tour guide. [3]


I write this with reference to your advertisement on (???? write the name of the news paper) on (date) for the position of local tour guide.


... this sentence needs improvement with its presentation. You are looking for a job and therefore this letter should sound more formal.
I believe I have the right qualifications, skills and attitude to perform as an effective local tour guide.

Undergraduate / The Little Boy Who Showed Me How to Live;Something I love,have to do,can't stop think [2]


I have been the youngest member in my family for the first sixteen years of my life.


I was so certain that this would not going to be something I had any sort of experience.
When the orphanageorphans arrived at our school's front gate, I hesitated for a moment and attempted to step forward as I inhaled and exhaled slowlystruggled to breath in fear

Undergraduate / Princeton/Yale : Inequality and your experience [2]


For the past two years, I have been a part of IT Skills Development Initiative organized by the National Association of Software and Services Companies.


.
The objective of this campaign is to provide basic computing skills to the people in rural parts of the country by organizing workshops having the involvement of the students and professionals in that task.

Undergraduate / UC prompt #2- Your world and how it defines your dreams and aspirations [2]


.... interesting :)


At the time I had no idea that it was a hijab, nor what it menat.


From that point onward, I began to collect cultural objects or a few new words from people I met, no matter where I was.


....nice :)

Undergraduate / I love challenges; PERSONAL STATEMENT; MA in Economics [6]


.... I feel this is the best phrase to start off with your response. Try and fix it as the hook at the beginning of this response.


I think it is good to talk about your goals in the latter part after finishing talking about your background, both academic and extra curricular

This is good writing. I think you've done a good job!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: studying helps people to get ready for their entire life - in both social and economic [3]


After finishing high school, many students continue to study in order to specialize in a specific field of their choice.


.... I find the first part is not relevant.


There are grammar issues in this sentence. "Although" and "but" both cannot appear together in a sentence.
In my opinion, although career opportunities can be considered as the primary reason, there are other reasons too that promote students to pursue higher studies.

Writing Feedback / Amount of violence in films - ACADEMIC IELTS Writing task2 essay [4]


... ;you are comparing the lives today with ones in the past. So, you need to mention that.


....as aliceNN comments, this sentence is too long and therefore it sounds too complicated. It is important that your sentences read clear to the reader. For that, the best way is to write short and simple sentences.


... This sentence should have been in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK2: In some countries today, there is an attitude that anyone can do it in arts.. [5]


.... skills never go / skill never goes


Many talent hunt competitions are a good example for this.


Not clear what you mean... are you saying that;
These competitions have helped us find many hidden talents of people that may have gone unnoticeable had they not got such opportunities.

Writing Feedback / The two friends I can count on - help with grammar! [5]


neither mine :D


Well, dumi has not said your writing is wrong. :) .... Yes it makes sense and the reader can get the comparison right. A few suggestions from me;


The first friend is a boy whom I have known since grade seven. He is a transfer student who moved into our island. On his very first day at our school, he came to me and asked "wanna be my friend?". This made me laugh because it sounded silly for a boy of that age to ask such a question. However, it also made me feel that he is a straightforward character which I liked. We got along well and I found that we shared many similar interests and views.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Parents should encourage children to do part-time jobs [3]


Sounds too complicated aliceNN. Just come up with a sentence that conveys your idea in simple manner. That's more interesting;
It is important that children should learn to be independent and thrifty in order to have a successful adult life.


.... use the most appropriate word in your sentences. Synonyms do not help always.


others is a plural word. So, "others refute it".
"he refutes it"


... avoid these vague sentences. Finish your introduction with a clear statement that states your opinion. Your opinion can be agree, disagree or moderate (i.e. partially agree and disagree).

Writing Feedback / host country ought to support cultural difference; local customs and behaviour [5]


.... this has grammar issues.
There are millions of travelers who travel around the world. However, not every country allows travelers to practice their own traditions or religious beliefs.
Now give an example for this situation;
For example, a strong Catholic traveler who attends the mass on every Sunday at a Catholic church, may not find a church in a country which is not predominantly Catholic. So, he would not be able to practice his religious duties while he is travelling in such a country.

Writing Feedback / Some argue parents should impose strict control on their children [4]


....great start


.... this is not wrong; just a suggestion -
On the other hand, some people argue raising children in a friendly environment helps develop closer relationships and better understanding between parents and children.


.... better you state your opinion straight without keeping the reader in hold :D
You can write so well. Pay attention to the structure (you should have included specific examples for your reasoning in body paras) to earn a good score for this task which you can easily get.

Writing Feedback / Work during GAP Year; Good or Bad? [4]


... you should be careful about using synonyms. Although they have similar meanings their usage may be very different. For example, smile and laugh may sound similar, but used to describe two different meanings. You smile at a person, which is a pleasant thing. You laugh at a person, which is rude or rather unpleasant. So, don't use synonyms if you are not sure about their usage.

Overall, you have good ideas. But need to work on grammar and vocabulary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (a letter)- Request for a one-day leave [5]

Give more focus to you and your commitment - your manager would be interested to know that and not about your friend. So your task is to convince him that you have a valid reason to take a day off. Tell how important that commitment is and why you cannot attend to it without the day off.


... the word that is generally associated with leave is "grant" - granting leave
I shall be thankful to you if you could assist me fulfilling my duty towards my friend by granting a day off on ??? (date)

Writing Feedback / If you succeed your past events you'll be able to experience the present at easy [4]


The main task of the marketing consultant is to judge how the company would perform in the years to come based on past performances of the companies in the market.


He needs to formulate his marketing strategy for the future by carefully observing the events that took place in the past.


... not at all clear.... Write shorter sentences - that helps you improve clarity and present your ideas without any interruption.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A/D students who keep their rooms neat and organized are more successful [2]


.... the first and the second parts are loosely connected. It disturbs your flow.


.... "always"makes "all the time" redundant. Use only one of them!


She always keeps her space clean and tidy.
quote=alice0209] I believed that this report is somehow a repercussionrepresentation ofto her trait of being orderly.[/quote].... you need to be careful when using synonyms. If you are not sure of their usage, avoid using them. They may give very different meaning to what you expect.

All these characterscharacteristics are the keys to success and definitely need cultivation from daily life.

Writing Feedback / work quickly, risk making mistakes or slowly? 'depends on our current situation' [4]


Don't worry about it. Your writing is not bad. Only you need to improve on the structure that would help you earn marks while managing time efficiently. I copied this from dumi's comments and this is the structure she recommends for this task. I think it is pretty logical and helps one to handle this task effectively.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Should the government subsidise heavy indsustries to improve economic development? [7]


... many firms went bankrupt and their employees lost jobs.


... this sentence is too long. You should have split it to two. Also, there is no direct connection with this to the idea expressed by the prompt. So, it sounds a bit out of topic :(


in pursuit / to pursue

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Students benefit from going to private secondary school? [5]

I like the comments provided by gmad06 and hope you pay attention to what he/she cites. Also, I've found gmad06's essays are very good and suggest you to read them too :)


Well... you have given a few reasons here, but you have not supported them with specific examples that help you earn marks. Include examples for your reasoning.


I agree.... your writing skills are very good. Pay more attention to the structure and align your writing with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Today the high sale of popular consumer goods reflex the power of advertising [4]


Nowadays there are many products with the same usage that compete heavily in the market. Therefore, the only thing that determines their sales performance is how aggressive they are with their advertising mechanism.



As a result
You need to pay attention to your essay structure. Where is your conclusion? It's not very clear :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The famous sports professionals profit a lot of money in the field of sport profession [4]


Sports professionals enjoy many other facilities in addition to their lucrative income levels.


They enjoy tax reliefs, various forms of sponsorship, free entertainment facilities .... you can list down a few what they get as perks just because they are celebrities. And then tell, all these have a monetary value to align your reasoning with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;The rapid growth of cities in today's world - Positive development? [5]


...not "can", but it is :D
Traffic congestion impacts very negatively on a city.


....very good sentence.

Good paragraph... you write very well, pay attention to what dumi suggested above. You can easily go for a very good score. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual. [4]


This is actually an example. The reason is ;
Secondly, there are many things that individuals should be mindful about in protecting the environment. For example, they should use more environmental friendly products in their day to day life and avoid using things that are harmful to the environment such as plastic bags, perfume sprays etc.

Talk about how people behave without any environmental concern - they scatter litter, use vehicles that are not green etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; people prefer to repeat the same things and avoid changes [4]


Life is full of dynamic forces that make the change an inevitable phenomenon.


They express that change causes dying out of existing culture.
You need to give an example for this set of people at this point. Otherwise your view cannot be strongly conveyed to the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Students should be organised into groups or study alone [4]


On the other hand, students also need to enhance their individual skills in studying that will help them sharpen their independent analytical skills.



...."deficiencies" is not an appropriate word to use their. It mainly deals with machines. "weakness" is a better word.


.... actually, students would know where they stand when they study in groups because it is the best opportunity for them to compare themselves with others. So, I feel you should remove the last two words "current level"

Writing Feedback / What are some important qualities of a good supervisor (boss)? [4]


Rather, he should try to get the subordinates involved in decision making by consulting their ideas and opinions instead of being rigidly trying to impose his own opinion on them.


...this is confusing;
A leader should display his expertise in his field. This helps him not only to win confidence of subordinates, but also to earn admiration by them.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; the number of people continuing their education after school has increased, [3]

In recent years more and more number of people are seen persistingpursuing higher education
Good introduction :)


... This is not the best line to start your first body paragraph. Either it should have been shifted to your introduction or removed. The second sentence provides the best entrance for this para.


.... need a space in between - a typo :D
Well.... you seem to have several reasons in one body paragraph. I think it is prudent to have one specific reason per para and support that with a sound example. That would help you earn marks while saving time.

Writing Feedback / Write about a product you have bought online. [3]


Yesterday morning while I was chatting with some of my close friends in the coffee shop next to my university,


I was attracted by a blue color shirt which had some specific information attached to it such as the size L, made from 100% cotton, full sleeves and a collared neck. Its price was 350000vnd.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of different categories of families living in poverty in Australia [3]

It's good to have your diagram here. Why not upload it?
The structure I would follow is that;
1. Introduction of the graph (you've done it correct)


2. Overview - Just a brief overview as to discuss the main trends. This is a little less than what you've done in your second paragraph which has more details

3. Details - This one with more details.

Writing Feedback / [Toelf] idea or fact? which one is important [3]


...very true...good point


Because anything that is not convinced strongly would be forgotten as time passes by.


...."while" is a connector and therefor you need to combine another idea here. Otherwise your sentence would sound incomplete;
While anything that is learned with deep reasoning and understanding the concepts would not fade away soon, the things that have been merely memorized would have a very short stay in our memory.