Undergraduate / "Ok let's go!" - Yale essay: reflect on personal interests, experience [5]

Jasmine, let's make your last paragraph stronger, kindly find my remarks below.

Final paragraph
- Long boarding ( write it in 2 words) has increaseddeveloped my confidence,
- made me happy, and leddrive me into new exotic places.
- Thus I hope to continue this in college and share this joy with other people.,
- After a long week of classes, a couple of us could go skating and exploringexplore the City of New Haven, we - We can teach each others tricks, bonding over our love for skating and our love for Yale.

There you have it Jasmine, I hope the modifications done in the last paragraph, helped!

Undergraduate / 'a jigsaw puzzle' - Common Application - first question choice [3]

dBres, to address your first dilemma on the title of your essay, I believe " A Jigsaw Puzzle " as a title is good, it creates an illusion and trickery of the essay, this usually draws attention from the readers more so from the panel.

Now, as I always tell students here on EF, segmented paragraphs or keeping your paragraphs short but many, does not merit anything rather
than keeping your essay look trying so hard, it also does not leave a good impression to the panel who will scrutinize your essay, so I suggest you

merge the paragraphs and keep it to the minimum of 3 paragraphs if you can.

Once you write your revision, please make sure that you don't delete the necessary paragraphs that strengthens the essay.

I'd like to help you out on the last 2 paragraphs of your essay.

3rd paragraph
- Until only recently, my friends would roll
- projects, homework, exams, and curiositiescuriousness .
- "Don't be boorishboring .

Last paragraph
- amI'm aware
- that there are other strangely looking pieces that atake part incomprises the puzzle.
- But nowHowever, I'm just getting too sentimental and blah so I'll end with this somewhat unrelatedso I leave you with this quote

- said byfrom the energetic, awkward and optimistic Princess Anna of Arendelle: "Do you want to build a snowman?"

Well, there you have it dBres, I believe your essay is quiet fascinating and it will take a good load of creative juices to comprehend and be able to uncover where you're coming from.

Research Papers / If there's a will, is there a way? Obesity essay [3]

Jaime, after reading through your paper, I can say that it is written well, here's a detailed analysis of your work.

- that research is good , you were able to gather facts that will guarantee a good back up
and justification on the generated figures and analysis

- the way you formatted the paper is also good, it made the essay look and presented well,
it's like a content of a much more complex scientific study

- the works cited is also well written as you written the citation in this format, ( sentences...( work citation )...sentence)
the whole paper makes more sense but of course you still have to create the citation list at the end of the essay, which is exactly what you did.

Overall, the research is done well, it has all the elements of a research paper, if you can just keep percentage into figures, this will make more

presentation effect on your paper.

I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Petroleum Engineering: Fall'16: US universities [6]

Ankit, I may not be an expert in Petroleum Eng. but here's what I think of your essay and the answers to your questions.

Does it look too long?
Yes, it is too long but this doesn't mean that you omit the necessary information
of your essay, if you do a revision, proof read your essay and see which of the information should be included
in your essay, remember, paragraphs and sentences that influenced you to conquer this field are the most essential part of the essay.

should I skip some information?
Yes, skip the information that does not depict or convey your agenda towards the course

I have tried to explain about my bad grades, does it look negative?
This area where you talked about your grades, is not necessary but this does not mean that you can
delete them altogether, what you can do is, revise them and talk about your bad grades in a general perspective.

I have explained about my passion to go into managerial roles in the industry - does it sound negative that i am not going for research or technical role?

Ankit, regardless of what role you want to take on after your masters, it does not matter at all, the only that matter is that you have a

firm purpose of why you're taking on the Masters study and this is definite.

I have mentioned a no. of professors, should I decrease the names?
Citing your professors in the essay is fine, this just goes to show that you have them as your role model, someone that you look into and someone that can verify your capacity if needed.

Overall, I believe your essay is not that strong but it's not weak either, you just have to change a few segments of a few paragraphs and some sentences that are not necessary should be deleted too.

I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / Share experiences that have shaped you and provide insight as to who you want to be in the future. [4]

Pallack, rest assured your essay answers what the prompt is asking you to do.

However, I have one question, is this how you want to present your prompt, because I found quiet a
lot of modifications that can be done to add strength to your essay.

- the segmented paragraphs will not help your essay at all, it just makes your essay look so crowded
and messy, I suggest merging the paragraphs into full ones and keep it to a maximum of 4 paragraphs,
this way you will maintain the professional presentation of your essay.

- the sentence structure can be enhanced by creating that flow of story that you want your readers to understand.

- more importantly, omit unnecessary information and details that does not really compensate the length of the essay.

I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / "Ok let's go!" - Yale essay: reflect on personal interests, experience [5]

Jasmine, after reading your essay, I believe it's written to the point that everybody would understand what
you exactly mean.

As much as the essay is written to respond to the prompt and the purpose of your essay,
I see at as a pre mature writing piece right now, it needs a little revision on the side of your
choice of words, the strength of your essay is not as much as it could be in order to make it
to the admissions.

Now, what I suggest that you do is, change a few words that are not so strong, words such as "I'm trying", change them to,

" I made sure " or " I surpassed quiet strong", this words does not only indicate a stronger you,
it also boost the quality of your essay.

I believe you can do better, re - write and post it back here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / The Fashion business has always been in my plans. Advertising and Marketing Communications - FIT [2]

Elena, I remember there were a few students rooting for FIT and I believe they did well in this field too.
I suggest you do a little research and do a healthy comparison on your essays, this way you will be able to have
insights on what your essay should contain, I know the content of the essay is given in the prompt but it will still
help to see others work.

I'd like to work on your introduction.

There you have it Elena, my conclusion towards your essay it that, your choice of words is quiet weak, try to change the words you have in your sentences.

Choose the words that will strongly send the message that you want to send to the panel of FIT, make sure that you justify what is asked of the prompt and you will see the difference, it will make you more confident in submitting your essay.

Best of luck to you.

Scholarship / Everyone has faced some sort of obstacle in his life. Texas State essay topic B [3]

Gabriella, first impression on your essay, it's quiet short.

However, short doesn't mean that the essay does not merit your admission for transfer, now, let me help you out.

- I believe everyone has faced some sort of obstacle in life regardless of how young you areof age .
- Luckyly I have been very fortunate
- small the obstacle is an obstacle is an obstacle.( be careful with your typo.

- Many timesMost of the time I felt that I had pushed
- I practice as if I was running a meetmarathon ( I know that we call it "meet" in the track world but not all the readers will know this )

- any injuries and better,yet not only did
- I make it to the district but I made it passed district becoming a regional qualifier.

- Obstacle can equate to motivation once they are conquered,
- commitment and dedication are essentials .
- As aI strive to do my best academically
- I will always recall on this obstaclelook back and
- remember not to never give up and always work hard for what I want!

There you have it Gabriella, I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / "Diversity is the key to change" - Columbia Supplement [4]

Kennedy, I'd like to share my views on your essay.

- but merelythis is because I'm fascinated by people.
- So, being located in bustlingHaving lived in New York City provides
- whom help me to expand my
-The dynamics of Columbia's classes
- I'm driven to the higher-level education
- at Columbia for more than just prestige.
- It is because bB eing a part of a marginalized ethnicity
- It is because eE ducation is the instrument of social change
- , and everything in me wants to guide that changeand I want to be a part of this change .

I hope the remarks I made helped.

Undergraduate / Advocacy for LGBTQ Individuals in the East - Common App "Why Transfer" [4]

Fazeel, I don't know what happened but most of the essays I read so far today is absolutely capable
for submission but the conclusion is the one that is not so strong or not helping the essay at all.
I think what happens is that, your doing so good in the body and the overall essay but not with ending
the essay, it's like you want to add more but it's conclusion already and you're confused on how to do it.

Having said that, here's what I suggest for your conclusion.

Conclusion
- Besides lacking my intended major, I have no other complaints about Drexel.( this is not necessary )
- I have been able to smoothly transition smoothly into college life,
- and I have been met with enthusiastic professors willing
- to helpassist me at a moment's call,
- At Drexel, I amwas involved in the African Student Association,
- Muslim Student Association, and Pakistani Student Association,and several other association and
- am in the midstprocess of starting a Middle Eastern and Arabic club.
- At my new school,With your institution, I hope to be just as involved as I am at Drexel, plus some more;
- Finally, at my new school,More importantly, I hope to be intellectually
- challenged and surrounded by fellow students who inspire me to work harder everyday.

There you have it Fazeel, the confusing part of your conclusion is the fact that you still associate the previous institution to the target one, at this point of the essay

you should be able to establish the eagerness to be as successful as you are from the previous one.

I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / SOP PhD Interdisciplinary biosciences. Methods to answer fundamental questions on how organisms work [12]

Athanasios, as I proof read your essay, I see that it fits well with the purpose of your essay.
You're gunning for interdisciplinary bioscience and I believe the essay showcase how passionate
you are in this course and to your future career in this field, though you have a different background,
you are still able to pull it through in very professional manner without turning your back on engineering.

Now, since you are having doubts on your conclusion, let me help you out.

Conclusion
- I am excited to live in an era thatleaning forward to technological advances
- offerand the opportunity to study animals in such depth.
- As a DPhil student in bioscience with background in engineering, I will aim to provide a fresh approach
- and applyapplication to interdisciplinary methods to answer fundamental questions on how organisms workin this field .

There you have it, I believe with the corrections above, your conclusion is more established now and ready to complete the entire essay for submission.

I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / The Sun Club for students at my undergraduate institute formed with support from Sun Microsystems. [2]

Saha, as I finish proof reading your essay, I conclude that it's written quiet well,
you did what is asked of the prompt and made sure that it is in full details.

However, as much as I like the fact that you went all the way and wrote all the
information and the details of your extra ordinary curricular activity, I believe there
are some details that should not be included in the essay. Some information
that would rather be deleted, information like the "only satisfactory " outcome on
what of your activities, this can be kept. You can still put this detail rather in a more general
way like, " This activities fuels our passion to conduct more seminars and share our expertise in order
to hone young talents", something like this.

Also, I suggest that you merge some of the small paragraphs into big or full paragraphs, segmented
paragraphs like you did here is just too crowded to be presented.

I hope to read your revised essay soon.

Undergraduate / How are you and St. Olaf a good fit for each other? (100 words) [3]

HI Roshan, I'd like to share my views on your supplement essay.

- would helpwill assist me to reach my destination.
- The discursive and argumentative platform thatof St. Olaf
- possesses would provide me
- that St. Olafthe institution provides wouldwill aid me
- I wantA world class education in a diverse campus community
- and I believeof St. Olaf will
- helphone me to develop skills and
- abilities that I can take with me forever and thusassociate in my contribution to greater welfarefor the mankind .

There you have it Roshan, I changed a few words in your essay, this is the key to convey a strong appeal on this type

of essay, it's short, simple, precise and straight to the point. This suggestion will possibly boost the essay and take it to the next level.

I wish you good luck and do let is know what happens, we'd love to hear from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Consuming so much junk food is one of complex problems in health for citizens [2]

Hi Akbar, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

-Consuming so much junk food is one of complex problems in health
- for citizens and make a growth ofresults to a number of the citizens who have
- the junk food related health issues assince majority of consumers
- is richare affluent people so thatthe rising the levy does not influence them to consume it.

Akbar, I stop my corrections from here so that you will follow through, I understand that this may not be your first essay,
there's a lot more writing strokes that you have to learn and it's fine, writing is not as easy as it looks.

I suggest that you focus on the word choice, sentence construction and making sure that your idea transpires in your writing.
That being said, practice writing more, read a lot and do a little digging for essay samples and other articles, this practice helps a lot

in order for you to come up with a well written essay.

Graduate / Applying to the master's program in Public Administration - personal statement for MPA [6]

Nurul, I can see that you have garnered some corrections here for your essay, what I can add are the following;

Your essay's purpose is to write a personal statement which you did just right, however, I would like to add that as much as we

want to put all the personal information and challenges that we have overcome, you also need to bear in mind that part
of the purpose of the essay to showcase your academic background on the essay.

You should be able to strengthen the academic and career goals of the essay as well as boost
your potential in your chosen field, remember that what comes out of this application will be your ticket to
get admission in MPA in order to study and learn the strokes of your chosen field and career development.

I hope to see the revised essay with more conviction and detail on your academic side.

Undergraduate / Not all hardships in life come with warning signs. Common App Essay - Overcoming a hardship [2]

Brooke, as I finish reading your essay, I believe it's written quiet well.
You have answered the prompt properly and made sure that as much personal as you can get
in writing the prompt, you also made sure that you include information on academics and
scholastic achievements as well as realizations.

What minor detail I'd like you to pay attention to is the presentation of your essay, make sure
that the paragraphs don't look to crowded as this will mean that you are just covering for the length
of the essay, which is not bad, however, it would be best if you can merge a few of the segmented paragraphs and
turn it into a minimum of 4 paragraphs in order to streamline focus and not to have your essay all over the place.

There's not much revision to be made, I just hope you write more and we will be here to assist you.

Graduate / Machine Learning (ML). Statement of Purpose for Computer Science Doctoral Program | CS Ph.D. [5]

Lucas, for the length of the essay and looking at how you will be able to shrink or the manageable
paragraph for your essay will be a minimum of 4 paragraphs.
Make sure that when you delete the unnecessary sentences, they are the sentences that will
not affect the content of your SoP, because sometimes, you want to come up with a nicely presented
essay and you forgot the idea or the sentences does not really answer the prompt anymore, so be very careful.

Keep your paragraphs, strong and bold, let the sentences convey the message that you want to send and you want
your readers to comprehend properly so make sure that your choice of words are also
strong enough for the prompt.

I wish to read your essay here on EF very soon.

Scholarship / 'Great enthusiasm' - letter of motivation for Erasmus Mandus Marhba Scholarship Master Program [3]

Noman, first things firt, the presentation of your essay needs to be fixed.
Merge the small paragraphs and make at least a minimum of 4 or three if you can,
segmented paragraphs in your essay will not help in bringing up or giving a strong image of your essay.

Now, the word choice you have can still be enhanced, your words are somehow weak and does not really
convey a strong personality, when you work on your words, check the structure of your sentences as well,
make sure that you have a smooth flow of ideas and logical order of the progress of the essay.

Next, focus on the final paragraph of your essay and I suggest to do the following modification.

- As I understand, thisI believe the program is very competitive,
- attracting highly motivated students, but I am convinced that my goodand with my record at the
- University,and determination to succeed givewill provide me a strong recommendation
- for a place at it.in the institution.
- Therefore, I would be honored if you decide to accept my candidateship forto be a part of the Master studies program .
- In the same time I am aware of possible challenges and high investments of effort I will have to place in order to successfully complete this courses.( this sentence is not necessary )

There you have it Noman, I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / FAMILY HISTORY ESSAY - very wise and ambitious grandmother [3]

Sasha, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- However,I share the same love my grandmother
- isshe's special to me because she

- My grandmother is aware of this

- Because ofWith her infinite determination,

- especially inwith regards to pursuing my dreams.
- Therefore, I am so grateful to have a figure like her in my life,

There you have is Sasha, a few corrections for your essay, overall, it's written well, just a few remarks and your revised one should

have that content that the prompt is asking you to write about, mind your linking verbs when you do your revision.

Undergraduate / 'the smell of arroz con pollo and freshly made lumpia' - Different Experiences Essay [3]

Calvin, as I finish proof reading your essay, I conclude that it's quiet premature to submit your essay at this point.

I have a few guidelines for you in order to revise your essay and make it strong.

- although the essay ask to differentiate the background that you've known to the world where you are now,
please omit unnecessary details
- go straight to the point and make sure you answer the prompt properly
- structure your sentences in a way that the reader can follow the story and will comprehend on the message
that you're sending out, kind of like a story you tell a kid but with a higher professional level

I don't mean that you write a totally new essay, just revise your essay in a way that it will not look like it's done by a high school student,

step it up a level higher and more to the professional side.

I hope to read your revised essay soon here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / UT Essay Topic C: Coloring in my Character [6]

That's good to hear that we were able to help, so Alisha, below are my remarks for the conclusive part of the essay.

Conclusion
- drawing to digitally painting,
- my skillsgrew alongside meimproved with time .
- Because of my experience( we have already established that you are an artist)
- A s an artist,
- I saw the importance of that 110%,( I'm quiet puzzled here, importance of what? )
- I'm lessNow, I'm not afraid to engage in a new environment,
- and I understand the intricacy of a specific subject. Ll ike how I continue to prosper, so will my skills.
- As long as I adhere to mythese principalsprinciples and continue on my path,
- I'll become an exemplary individual who understands plight and difficulty, no matter whatregardless of the field I embark.

There you have it Alisha, this part of your essay is indeed confusing and as you can see, there's a lot of work to be done.

One thing with you is that, you have an idea on what to write, you just don't know how to incorporate these ideas into your

paragraphs and make it a strong essay.

I hope my remarks helped.

Undergraduate / UT Essay Topic C: Coloring in my Character [6]

Alisha, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.
I will work on the parts that you are having quiet a doubt with.

Introduction
- During( you can't say during your entire career because we are talking about the entirety of your academic years )
- M y entire academic career,
- from the playfulness of elementary school to the rigorousness of high school,
- MoldedHoned by multiple outside factors and experiences,
- mythis growth led me to becoming the capable person I am today.
-As I continued through my lifemoved on ,
-CoincidingWith my physical growth was mycomes an increasingly
- carnivorousmomentous craving for that pencil to and paper interaction.
- Drawing enveloped me;engulfed me and I learned valuable lessons,

I believe the corrections above made a difference in your introduction, what I did was re - structure the sentences and put together
a set of strong words that created an impact in this part of the essay.

I'll get back to you for the conclusion.

Scholarship / 'I developed a slight tendency towards project management.' Mundus Scholarship letter [9]

Qamar, I'd like to step in and share my thoughts on the part of the essay where we are having a little bit of doubt.

- I was first exposed to the concepts of project management in the Undergraduate courses of Business Administration.
-I developed a keen interest in Project management becausethis field as it clearly
- defines a project's deliverable nature and evaluates
- risks involved in a given timeline.
- I t divides a given project into the phases
- The concepts of time management, change management, risk management and quality management
- furthered my interest in the subject,because they helped me to evaluate risks involvedenhance my evaluation skills ,
- check quality assurance and overcome
- the hurdles in the completion of the project in a timelinetimely manner .

There you have it Qamar, you can see the difference it makes when you choose the right words and put them together in a sentence.

I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / Machine Learning (ML). Statement of Purpose for Computer Science Doctoral Program | CS Ph.D. [5]

Lucas, the length of you SoP is quiet far from what an SoP should be, that's one thing I noticed in your essay.

Next, as a statement of purpose, the idea is too much for what is asked for you to write.
A statement of purpose, however in detail, should have a focus on what you learned about the
study of the influence that draw you to choose what program or course you want to take in your
chosen institution.

I suggest that you re-write your essay to some degree of deleting a few information, I believe you can omit
the part of the internship and do a general background of work that you did prior to choosing a career or a
professional goal.

I hope to read your revised essay very soon.

Graduate / The task is to draw upon experiences which have occurred in the past three years. MIT Sloan essay [2]

Shiyun, after proof reading your essay, I believe this is going to be a long stretch for MIT.
Don't get me wrong, your essay have the making of a good one, I just need you to tweak
your words a little bit, strengthen them by using big bold words but make sure that it is easy to comprehend,
you don't really want your essay to be that creative for it not to be understood.

Now of all the paragraphs that I had gone through, I see the final paragraph to be easily fixed by the following modification.

- My current education may beis enough for me to realize my short term goal in China.
- ButHowever in order to realize my dream of becoming an economist,
- The rigorous curriculum of your program and an outstandingthe conducive learning atmosphere
- Therefore, I am longing to join your esteemed program, whereShould my admission to the program be possible,
- I can absorb the knowledge I will quickly acquire and utilize
- will be dedicated to my strength to build up a strong network.

There you have it Shiyun, I hope my corrections help.
I wish you the best of luck and let us know how it went, we'd love to hear from you.

Undergraduate / Motivation letter for bsc Economics. Can someone check it if its good or not? [4]

Gzsofi, as I proofread your essay, here's my remarks.

- the essay is quiet weak, very premature for submission but it's fine, as you said, you're still working on it
- you lack the choice of words that will give the essay a conviction to convey the message and the application as a whole
- when addressing sir or madaam, write it this way, Dear Sir / Ma'am,
- you have the idea on what to write in your application, however, you structured the ideas that are
jumping all over the place, make sure that when you re- write your essay, keep in mind to have a smooth flow or transition of your essay.

On the other hand, the good thing about your essay is, as mentioned, you have the idea, the foundation of your essay is there.
One thing that you have to consider before revision is this, make a guideline on what to write first, second and next...this way you will create

a good flow of your essay and somehow the logic will be established.

Finally, for your last 2 sentences, I modified it to this;

- I believeShould I be admitted to the undergraduate program, my language competency,
curious personality will provide a good base for my future academic and professional improvement. Therefore, I am motivated to pursue my ambitions by getting an undergraduateand eventually earn a degree in Economics.

Thank you for considering my application. and for your time

That's it for me Gzsofi, I hope my remarks helped!

Undergraduate / Building a bridge from my visions to my reality - Claremont McKenna Short Essay Question [3]

Dustin, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.
As much as you want to write in further detail, the first challenge here is the word count restriction,
200 words is definitely not enough to showcase your influence and the inspiration behind your application.
However, the best way to approach such essay with a very definite number of words, will be to write
in direct and straight forward manner.
You have to be able to incorporate your thoughts and answer the prompt properly and yes, it will help boost your
essay if you have a good strong choice of words that will convey your goal in submitting this application.

So, here's what I suggest;

- That burning desire tothat fueled my passion was so deeply rooted in me. Enteringto conquer the business field and following my dreams was what I so desperately wanted to do.

- My visions ofI envision my future as a successful entrepreneur.
- needed a bridge to connect it to what was on the other side: my reality.( this phrase is unnecessary )
- With my unchanging plansArmed with unwavering desire to major in Business,
- I have fallen in lovewill work hand in hand with Claremont McKenna.
- and The Center for Innovation and Entrepreneurship, especially, quickly drew me
- in, with their ability to helpassist me achieve my dream:( this punctuation mark is unnecessary)
- beginningto start my own business.
- The immense collection of knowledge that I'd be able to gainwill acquire from
- the business field is what I hopewill work for.
- ByB eing able to provide me with
- is somethingthe Institution that I'd like to be a part of in order to fuel my burning passion for the world of business, more specificallyand entrepreneurship.

There you have it Dustin, I took the liberty to modify, delete unnecessary words and characters in you essay in order to maximize you word count with the needed words that will strengthen your essay.

I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / Standing Alone/ Common App challenge a belief/idea [3]

Dawson, first things first on your essay.
The segmented or small paragraphs on your essay does not work very well,if the goal is to create an illusion
that there are a lot of sentences or paragraphs, that's not how it works.
I suggest that we merge a few segmented paragraphs together and enhance the sentences from there.

Here's what we can do;

- It was then I startedThis truth led me to start my personal protest
- by never again eating meat, dairy, eggs, or any other food that comes from animals- just fruits, legumes, grains and vegetables. I hadand become a vegan.

- some kid making a joke aboutto what I ate.

- based foods in your diet.

- Although I could appreciate that their advice was of good intensionsI appreciate the fact that they mean well and

- Even though no one else in my school community has joined me in protestthis quest ,
- I still remain've been a vegan for three years later and have never regretted it.
- The experience has taught me to stand up for what I believe in, even if it means I'm standing alone.

There you have it Dawson, I hope my remarks helped your essay and for future reference, make your essay stand out by choosing the right

words, words with conviction, words that will convey the purpose of your essay.

Undergraduate / The Beauty of Equality, my religious pilgrimage to Saudi Arabia (Personal Statement for UW) [2]

Mrahman, I'd like to share my insights to your essay.

- My chest beats rapidly, as I near theto sound of thundering chants.

- As I walk anxiously walk into the Grand Mosque's open courtyard,

- TravellingTraveling ( mind your spelling ) halfway across the globe,
- to experience the ideal world of my religion being exemplified, taught me
- to comprehend diverse cultures, in Islam and around the world, usingwith a holistic perspective.

There you have it Mrahman, I hope my modifications helped.

Overall, your essay is written well, this personal statement definitely showcase the person that you are and
how you approach your faith, different cultures and life in general.

I just hope that you have more sentences explaining how your enlightenment and pilgrimage influenced you
to become who you are and your aspirations in life.

I wish you the best of luck!

Research Papers / Thimerosal and Autism: Myth or Fact [3]

Taylor, as much as you mentioned that you don't want a critique on the research as a whole,
I must say that the research is done quiet well, I believe you will insert the citation at the end
of the paper but it will also help if you will write essay on a parenthesis and incorporate it in the
paper itself.

I see that you have a few contributors that modified your paper already and I believe the enhancements are
necessary to strengthen your paper.
On the writing skills, you have written the paper quiet well, the presentation of the essay is good,
the paragraphs are not segmented nor lengthy and the information that you have in the research are gathered
properly, theories, practical applications and the thing that stood as I proof read your essay is that you had
an introduction that serves it's purpose, an introduction to the study and the final paragraph is your personal input.

I hope you my insights help and keep up the good job!!!

Undergraduate / "What if this truck ran me over?" - UC Personal Statement about Overcoming Depression [2]

- I have struggled with depression and anxiety for the majority of my teenage years. Because of, with the stigma
- ByIn the beginning of my sophomore

- it was the hardestmost challenging thing I have ever done, butand I will I never gavegive ( the verb takes the present continuous form as the action is a continuos process) up.

Sarah, as you can see I took the liberty of modifying your essay, it enhanced the strength of your essay to another level,
you actually have a good essay overall, you just need to learn how to incorporate stronger words to use in order to create
that impact in your essay.

I hope to see the revision posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Life time goals and how are my actions now contributing to this goal [3]

Gabriella, as I finish proof reading your essay, I conclude that you have the idea for a well written essay.
Your essay has a lot of potential to be stronger essay, right now, it needs a lot of improvement on the part of
your word choice and how you incorporate this words on your sentences.

I suggest that you revise your essay, dig a little deeper on what you want to write in your essay, research and do a healthy comparison and

use a different set of words that are strong and will justify your ideas towards the fulfillment of your dreams and
aspirations, academically and professionally.

I hope to see your revised essay soon and I hope my insights helped!

Undergraduate / The day I was born, my parents immediately had tremendous aspirations for me - UC Application [5]

Parker, as I finish reading your essay, I conclude that you did a good job in responding to the prompt,
Precise, direct to the point and just enough level of information that is right for what the prompt is asking for.

Now, does your essay need enhancement?, yes it does.
I believe you can do better with cutting down a few sentences that tells about your childhood, keep
it as a background and leave it like that, then add a few more sentences about the transition that you have
in learning technology and the use of PC or desktops back then and how this fueled your goals
for the future.

Keep the essay as it is, short and simple, just a few revision as I mentioned earlier, I hope to see your
revised essay soon.

Undergraduate / My background and how the passing of a parent has shaped me today as a student/person. [3]

Kalden, as I read through your essay, I don't see the need of the last two sentences to be separated from the final paragraph.

The last two sentences does not have the capacity of idea or thought to handle a paragraph by itself.
I suggest merging the sentences with the final paragraph with the following enhancement;

- The loss of my mother was devastating and I would do anything to have even one morewhatever it takes to have a minute to spend with her. Despite this, theHer loss of my mother has helped me to develop into the person I am today; a person who I am much prouder of than I was before.proud to have become.

There you have it Kalden, I hope my little modification helped.

Undergraduate / For or Against Embryonic Stem Cell Transplants? [2]

Marlayna, I read through your essay and I believe it's written quiet well, at first I thought you were doing
an argumentative essay but you wrote the prompt and that's what most of the students forget to do.

Having said that, I'd like to enhance the last part of your essay, here it is below.

Final paragraph
- Looking back on this experience( the phrase can be deleted as you have already established the facts and where you're coming from ) ,
- it has taught me to not justto be close minded
- butand to take the time and acknowledge
- I was drawn back by their explanations,
- Throughout high school, I have been able to apply this skill in many aspects of my life.
- This year I currently hold the position of a Senior Lieutenant which
- Being open minded hasThe new skills I learned immensely impacted

Marlayna, this are my remarks and I hope it helped.

Undergraduate / Disneyland vacation - Short response based on culture [9]

Katlyn, the essay you have has a lot more to go.
You started strong here but you still have to write a few more sentences to make it worth
for the prompt.

I believe there are a few students here on EF who did the same prompt, it's not bad to do a healthy comparison,
this will allow you to compare your work with others and hopefully get some insights to further your essay and come
up with a stronger one for your final essay submission.

Keep your essay the way it is now and add a few more sentences that will depict the influence of different cultures
to the person you are now.

I hope to see your final essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / My failures are my Successes- Nervous Applicant. Personal Statement UW [3]

Shubh, I'd like to share my insights on your essay with the focus on the final paragraph.

- I had spent most of my energy proving to others that I was successful byin avoiding failure;. ( you can end this sentence here as the idea can stand alone )

- and to succeed failure is not optional;an option, it is mandatory.
- I began to understand why Thomas Edison's resiliencyresilience was so instrumental
- My mom changed my whole perspective on thein this situation.
- eventually I reached my ultimate goal, ( mind your punctuation marks ) 3 years later to make the varsity team.
- Although I'm proud of making the team, I'm more proud of the improvements I've made since being cut my freshman year. 4 years ago I would have never thought my failure would end up leading to all my successes.and even more overjoyed looking back to the success I made from the failure I had experienced.

That's about Shubh, I hope I was able to enhance the final paragraph and the essay in general and by the way, if you can revise the title of the essay to;

My failures are my Success

Best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / AP classes, UIL events, Academic Decathlon - these activities helped me achieve goals - Essay C [5]

Dustin, the revised essay is indeed shorter than the first one and absolutely better than the first one too.

You see the difference when you just write what is asked of you to write and go direct to the point,
go straight forward all the time unless directed to get creative in your essay.
Now, the structure of the essay is also better this time as you have reduced it form six paragraphs
to four paragraphs only. The key to a successful essay or any writing piece that you will do is to go straight
to the point and make sure that you understand why you're writing it and the purpose of the essay is.

I hope my insights make a little reference in your view on writing in general.
Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Finding Myself in Sierra Leone [3]

Marlayna, I believe you have a good essay here, you were able to properly incorporate
your experience and serve as an inspiration to students who face the same struggle.

I don't see anymore enhancement to be done, however, I'd like to strengthen your final paragraph.

Final paragraph

- and goofy girl that I thought I had left behind was the only person I knew how to be .
- Before I knew it I was creating real friendships and memories that would last me a lifetime.
- I learned to accept that not fitting in was okayfine , because to stand out is even greater.it was even greater to stand out.

There you have it, I believe you should be good to go, for now, I wish you good luck and keep writing!

Undergraduate / This is two different parts of my essay for UC application, can you give me some advice? [4]

Here's my thoughts for the second essay.

- My Dad laughed when he saw a plate of salad in front of me while my family enjoyed Chinese dishes. "I mean, really, Jingjing." ..( Tang, I don't think that we still need to add the conversation part in your essay)

- ButHowever, that feeling never came.
- No matter how hard did I triedI try , the powerful
- Its color was stillis obsolete, but when
- I sawread a small Chinese character which means "home" right there.

- I think my mother gave me this bracelet is trying to tellto remind me
- that no matter how far I go,
- I canwill never forget my roots.

Tang, overall, you came up with two strong essays, well - written and ready for submission.
The remarks I made for both essays are minor and it's all up to you to follow through.

I wish you good luck and one more thing, being Asian is a very good thing!