Scholarship / Why and what create an NGO and with who I will work [4]

Wissam, before I can help you develop this essay, I first need to know what kind of essay you are trying to write. Is this supposed to be a Motivation Letter, Letter of Intent, Statement of Purpose, or Personal Statement? The essay doesn't really qualify as a statement that can be submitted for a masters degree application at this point. In fact, it does not allow itself to properly represent any element of a masters degree essay. Unless I know what essay for the application you are trying to write, I will not know which elements of this paper can be taken and used to become the basis or foundation of your required essay. Kindly get the necessary information to me as soon as possible by posting the kind of essay that you need in your response to me. I can help you from there.

Writing Feedback / Consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance. [4]

Janaki, I hope you won't mind if I score your essay. I will be scoring it based on the individual criteria that the examiner will also be using. So there will 4 sections of scoring below. I hope the scores can help you to further improve your essay writing.

Task Accuracy - 3 - The very low score is because of the inaccuracy in your restatement of the prompt instructions and topic. You also failed to present both sides of the essay in the discussion prior to presenting your personal opinion. In fact, it seems like you were only presenting your personal opinion throughout the essay instead of offering individualized paragraph discussions as the instructions stated.

Cohesiveness and Cohesion - 3 - Due to the inaccuracy in the task accuracy portion, your full discussion went wrong. Rather than a generalized discussion of the provided opinions, you ended up creating your own reasoning and opinion for discussion using elements that do not adhere to the prompt requirement.

Lexical Resource - 3 - Aside from the fact that you discussed the wrong prompt in your essay, your choice of words also created a problem for the reader, the use of certain terms, such as "pupil" when what you really wanted to refer to was "people". Obvious mistakes in word choice created comprehension problems for the reader which meant that the paragraph had to be repeatedly read before the examiner could figure out what you tried to say in the paragraph.

Grammar Range and Accuracy - 3 - the reasons for this score in this area are similar to the problems with your lexical resource.

I am really sad that you cannot score higher than a 3 in this practice test. I know that you failed it because you did not properly understand the prompt requirements. Since I have advised you on what to correct, I am hoping that I will see an improvement with your next essay. Hopefully you can avoid making the same mistakes.

Undergraduate / How I overcame my fear of public speaking - UBC Business Tech Management Personal Profile [4]

Karin, one of the major points that you have to make with this essay is why you felt the need to confront your fear of public speaking. It cannot be something as simple as "everyone else was busy so I volunteered". The way that you tell it, you would not have been the first person to volunteer for something that petrified you to do. The mere thought of it should have made you cringe. So what was it? What self realization did you come to that pushed to volunteer for the activity and actually apply yourself to it? If you can present a solid explanation regarding that, then the essay will be ready to use without any need to revise the other portions. The addition of this information will make the essay stronger because it will explain an obstacle that you managed to overcome and in the process, you managed to learn something about yourself.

Undergraduate / My experience of selling samosa taught me to be optimistic... UBC Pharmacy [3]

Alsa, the first thing that you have to change in this essay is the reference to "we". The essay wants you to talk about yourself so the pronoun to use should be "I" or "me", definitely not "we" because that connotes a group activity. Which is not what the essay requires. The whole essay is about a group project that did not really reflect on something you learned about yourself or your environment. Therefore, the narrative of your essay does not meet the prompt requirements. As such, it would be better for you to write a different essay. This time, it should be about an activity that you undertook and learned from. You, not a group. Discuss the lessons you learned about yourself or your environment from there. If you want to use this particular story, just refocus the essay to discuss your personal experience during the activity instead.

Undergraduate / A talk with an ex-homeless person - UBC personal profile [6]

Daniel, there is a problem with the essay that you have written. It focuses too much on the experience of the formerly homeless person. Notice that more than half of what you have written talks about his experience and his life and how he was treated. The way I see it, you can still use the same essay but reverse the discussion so that the focus will move to you instead. Write this as a reflective essay based upon your experience of interacting with this person. That means you will only summarize his experience in lieu of you coming to an understanding of the world around you. This essay will not focus on something that this experience taught you about yourself because, as a non homeless person, you cannot truly relate to what he has experienced. However, you can discuss how his experience has changed the way that you view the world around you. The world that both of you live in.

Essays / Home Benefit after return, intended plan of study [3]

The first thing that you need to do is figure out what kind of national or local problem you want to help solve in your country. These problems are usually in line with some sort of government program set up to help address the issue you have chosen. For example, if the problem in your country is that farmers do not have access to water irrigation, then the government will usually have a program of some sort of financial support being offered to farmers who wish to improve the irrigation system in their area. This is usually done through cooperatives. So your plan of study should be the modernization of the irrigation system in your country through the help of the cooperatives. The way that you can help solve the problem is first, by studying a masters degree in management (as an example) and then, upon return to your country, you can say something about seeking to gain employment at a local cooperative where you can help the farmers source the finances for their irrigation systems as the start of your plan to help local farmers. Or, you can say that your plan is to start your own non government organization to help the government screen and bestow funding on the farmers who really need the money for irrigation.

Basically, you are being asked to write a post study plan. A post study plan asks you to relate your plans immediately upon graduation and your return to your home country. This is normally represented by a short term plan that covers at least 6 months or one year upon your return, but no longer than 3 years of planning upon your graduation, return to your country, and eventual employment. Please don't hesitate to ask questions. I will be more than happy to assist you. However, I will be better able to help you if you write your draft first. Just write the draft in the manner that you understand my explanation. From there, we can work on improving your essay. Remember, post it as a new thread. Not in this thread.

Essays / A paragraph with quote for my analytical essay about why does Christopher like math [3]

Jakob, you can always run a search for a quote regarding that short story. There are actually websites like SparkNotes and Shmoop that have a a list of quotes from the story that you can choose from. It also comes with explanations of the quotes that could possibly help you develop your paragraph from the statement. That is the most help that we can give you at this forum. We only offer academic advice here. We do not write essays not do the leg work in terms of researching your paper for you. If that is the kind of service that you are looking for, then you should look for a professional writing service. We don't do that kind of work here. Sorry about that. We can however, help you improve your analytical essay once you come up with a draft of the work. Just post your draft essay here so that we can offer comments regarding points for improvement in your essay.

Undergraduate / Mini-essay for my UBC application's personal profile. Problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. [6]

The new 2nd paragraph is better focused, even though it is not as lengthy as we hoped it could be. Don't worry about the length though. You see, even if a paragraph is short, as long as it is focused and direct to the point, such as your work here, then the short paragraph will be highly effective in the overall consideration of the essay. So you are over by 8 words? That should not be hard to fix. All you have to do is shorten one or two sentences in the essay. It can be any sentence in any paragraph. Review your work and try to figure out which sentence is running a bit long that you can shorten to fit the word count. It is all a matter of revising either a few sentences or a whole paragraph. It all depends upon how you want to present the essay in its final form.

Undergraduate / 'the choice to change the world' Spelman College Transfer Essay [11]

Marie, this a pretty good revision. There are two points that I believe should not be presented here though mainly because you are supposed to focus the discussion your academic experience alone. It is my opinion that you should remove the reference to working out and Sistah2Sistah in the essay. If you review the prompt, you will realize that you are being asked to focus on your academic accomplishments, not your socio-civic life, at this point. In fact, you can remove the whole of paragraph 3 without affecting the overall message of the essay. In fact, the essay will be much more focused on the prompt target. The same goes for paragraph 6 because it deals with your non profit organization, which has no bearing on your college accomplishments. If you mentioned those things in your CV, then you are sure that the information will be part of the considerations during the deliberation. Indicating that information in this essay when it is not required will only serve to hamper the message of your essay.

Scholarship / If you are smart, you'll always be humble. NTU scholarship essay [7]

Yee, your anecdote doesn't work well with the essay because there is no clear event that portrays your belief or value system. It is a story that suddenly ends. There is no meaning to the story as it applies to the succeeding parts of your essay. Another way that you can write this essay is simply by being brief and direct to the point. Just explain why you value being humble and as for your belief, say that by being humble, you have found that you can have a positive effect on people's lives. Then try to portray an event that will portray how your values and beliefs have helped to improve the life or situation of another person. That should more than represent your essay in a unique and believable manner.

Undergraduate / FASHION INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY - Creative Photography Essay [5]

Olivia, your narrative focuses too much on the photography journey that you are taking. Now, depending upon whether or not this essay has a maximum word requirement, you may need to summarize this narrative in favor of better developing a response that explains how all of your photography experience makes you a good candidate for FIT photography school. You did not manage to mention your chosen major in the essay. so that is a significant problem that you have to address. Either the first half or the last half of your essay should discuss your chosen major, the abilities that you have which would qualify you for FIT as a student, and how you expect to grow yourself and your abilities as a FIT student. At the moment, your essay only tells me that you are a possibly talented editorial photography candidate. You aren't telling me why you can be even better once you learn more skills from FIT along the lines of your major.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Quality & Operation Management Graduate Course [9]

Messal, I have to congratulate you on creating what I believe to be a very good motivational letter. Your background is clear, your experiences speak volumes about why you would get personally involved with this issue and your ideas of the possible solution to the problem all fit in a perfect overview form. However, I do not believe that your last paragraph is necessary to the discussion because you are speaking of the difference in the educational system of the two countries. Since that is not even remotely related to your motivation to study this course, I can confidently advise you to remove that paragraph and just close the essay on the note about your desire to study at Chalmers University instead. That way the letter conveys only the required motivational letter elements.

Undergraduate / Application Essay - Describing Experience which taught me about myself and/or those around me [6]

Christopher, it is alright for you to use the same response for different essays in different university and college applications provided that you modified the later part of the essay from a little to significantly. The reason I say that is because the university just might decide to check if you have submitted the same essay to other schools. If they see that you always submit the same essay, they won't give your application too much weight because of the cookie cutter responses that you give. I am no longer familiar with the content of the first essay that we developed together. So I will assume that at least 50 percent of this essay has the same content as the first. Try to just vary the last part of your presentation by paraphrasing your work so that it will become a new statement and will pass possible plagiarism checkers and actually strengthen your response. I hope my advice helps you out.

Undergraduate / UBC Business Tech Management Personal Profile, Unfamiliar Situation [5]

Karin, The situation and solution to the problem that you discussed both times is too elementary and does not show how you can actually handle a real life situation without the aid of gadgets or technology. Since you opted to use email to question the interviewees, you presented a character trait (shyness) that you did not try to overcome as part of the solution to the problem. Taking the video of you talking alone is not as impressive as facing your fears and actually facing the people you had to interview face to face. All problems are faced on a step by step basis, so learning a skill set is a given in this scenario. The personal lesson is what is important here.

In this sort of prompt, you are expected to display problem solving skills and your ability to overcome an obstacle or adversity by improving your own character traits in order to create a solution to the situation. That said though, I will not ask you to write a new essay if you feel that your scenario above is suitable enough for your needs or if you do not have a more impressive scenario to discuss with the reviewer. I am just voicing out an opinion here and the final decision still rests upon you.

Writing Feedback / Looking for a way out - Alcohol Intervention [3]

Xinyi, if you are already a college student or a high school interested in writing, your school, college, or university should have a writing center or writing adviser on call to help you better develop the grammar and presentation of your essay. Please take advantage of the writing center or assistance programs at your educational institution in order to properly correct the bad grammar in the essay. Everything from the introduction to the peer review section just makes the head of the reader hurt because you did not even try to use the correct terms or properly develop your thoughts in English before posting this peer review for comments. You seriously need to learn the difference between "exited" and "existed", the latter being the term you actually wanted to use.

The peer review itself causes severe reader fatigue due to the lack of proper formatting of the presentation. Do your best to divide that part into discussion paragraphs in order to make the essay easier to read. More importantly, it will allow the reader to gain a better understanding of your opinion because you will allow them a chance to pause and seriously consider everything you are saying.

Overall, the peer review needs a tremendous amount of work on your part before it can even be considered to be in its early draft stages. I look forward to reading and reviewing your improved peer review whenever you are ready to present it.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Quality & Operation Management Graduate Course [9]

Hi Messal. You should definitely expand a bit on the management courses that you took in college, but only in a brief, summary form. You can do that by adjusting your opening statement. Change it from the current form that indicated you do not have much exposure to the academic side of management. Keep it brief though. Remember, this is only a motivational letter and not a statement of purpose. More detailed discussions of the overall topics presented in the letter of motivation is done on the statement of purpose essay. If you can give an overview of your work experience and the questions that you were left with regarding the improvement of the system, then that should allow you present more than just a mere observation of how the Chinese in Indonesia function within this field.

Since you already explained that you worked in the QMS field and presented your observations, it stands to reason that you have questions that were developed during this time that led to your motivation to gain more information in this field. A simple summary of these questions in relation to the motivation to study ought to work just fine.

Don't apologize for asking questions. I actually appreciated being asked questions because it shows me that you are really focused on developing the best possible paper and that you are really considering and applying the suggestions I am giving to you. Ask as many questions as you need to, provided it can help me create responses that will help you reach the final form of your essay.

Undergraduate / Providence College Supplemental essay: Finding the ultimate truth [2]

Don't worry about it. I knew you just forgot and needed a reminder. I guess you are way too excited about this application. I won't let you risk losing out on help just because of a technicality, which is why I made sure that I directed you towards the helpful path. Now we can seriously get to work on improving this essay. Here we go.

I am impressed by the way that you effectively combined the old essay we developed with this new train of thought. It really gave the essay an original feel. Your understanding of the Dominican values and belief is acceptable. However, I would not contradict the college when it comes to the "ultimate truth" belief. Even if you do not agree with the principle, the fact remains that your opinion regarding the term is not being asked for. So why are you discussing it? Don't deviate from the prompt requirements. Offer only the needed or required discussion points in order to come across as a student who knows how to follow instructions. Don't try to engage the reviewer in a debate. He can't answer you back.

So remove the offending paragraph and close the essay using the paragraph before that. It is not necessary to create a new closing statement unless you actually want to do that. Do that, only if you have something better to say regarding the belief in the "ultimate truth". Otherwise, don't bother.

Scholarship / Home Benefit of Commonwealth Scholarship - Nigeria [7]

Good revision. You covered all of the major points required to create a notable post study plan. However, you still have not created a method by which the success of your program can be measured by the scholarship foundation after you have graduated. I don't think that vying for an educator position is the best way to show a solid plan for helping your country. As an educator or published researcher, you won't really be able to say something like "the measure of success of my program can be seen in the way the countryside economy will produce a rise in their income by about 5 percent over a period of 5 years, meaning the economic growth will be one percent per year" or something to that effect. That is the kind of quantifiable reference to success measurement that this scholarship grant requires.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation for Quality & Operation Management Graduate Course [9]

Messal, you need to add a paragraph about your current work experience that can possibly relate to the QOM masters course. The foundation for your interest needs to come from the practical need for your advanced training in this field. What work experience, training, or seminars attended have prepared you to undergo the rigorous studies that this course demands? You said you only took one course in management in college. Then you work experience did not really cover the basics regarding the requirements for this course. You were only exposed to it through work observation, which led to your desire to learn more about the field. Since you do not have the undergraduate background to support your desire for higher education in an unrelated field, you will need to justify it using work experience in the actual QOM field. The rest of your letter of motivation is good enough. It just needs to justify your qualifications for study in this field in a summarized form. The lengthy discussion can be saved for the statement of purpose.

Undergraduate / Exchanging ideas and sharing experiences. Applying in scholarship, Essay about my interests. [12]

I mean the names of the books you published, the organizations that you were a member of, and other identifying marks that will show that you were not a full grown person at the time you participated in the activities. We are trying to turn your childhood activities and interests into your adolescent and adult interests. Therefore, you should not mention anything that might make the reviewer consider your age while you were participating in these activities. The prompt is just looking for a general discussion. So by mentioning specifics, you are over doing it. Keep the reference to specifics in your voluntary activities though. That will help the reviewer understand the relevance of the activity. Please let me know if you find it difficult to revise the response. I will try to give you an example of how to do it.

Scholarship / If you are smart, you'll always be humble. NTU scholarship essay [7]

Yee, don't open an essay about a personal belief system with a quote from an actor or other person, regardless of his name recall among the population. This is not about what he said and how it applies to you. This is all about you. The words of David Duchovy do not help to introduce you to the reviewer. Specially since the essay that you wrote is confusing and difficult to understand due to the changing and inconsistent presentation of timelines through the tense usage.

The best way to approach this essay is to use the anecdotal format. By telling a story that reveals the values and beliefs that you hold strong and true to yourself, you will be able to address the prompt in an interesting manner. The value system and belief becomes evident to the reviewer even if you do not spell it out for him. You can just mention the values and beliefs specifically, if you want to, at the end of the essay. Just remember that the narrative needs to have a lesson taught at the end in relation to your values and beliefs.

Undergraduate / Application Essay - Describing Experience which taught me about myself and/or those around me [6]

Christopher, why is there a direct reference to healthcare in this response? I believe that you were referring to your chosen college major right? Please remove that reference as it is an unnecessary bit of data in the response. It forces a sudden change in the mindset and understanding of the reader. Keep the focus only on the way that you observed your world as a cadet and your realization regarding your skills as a student cadet leader. Overall, the response is solid and well within the prompt requirements save for that portion that I referred to previously. I also believe that it is not really important to indicate that there are many leadership seminars given to the cadets. It is important that you give a general observation in this instance because you are only being asked to discuss one experience and at the moment, your reference to various activities means you are discussing more than one activity that you participated in. Make an effort to present a general discussion so that you use all of the information in the essay, taken from various activities, but making these sound like it all stemmed from a single activity instead.

Undergraduate / Mini-essay for my UBC application's personal profile. Problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. [6]

Yes, you are on the right track when it comes to the development of the overall essay content. You have actually managed to answer the prompt in a unique and personal manner. Not everyone will have had the opportunity to personally work on their papers the way that you did. So you should be proud of the topic that you chose for discussion. I am confident that it will make some sort of mark on the reviewer. Most specially if you can further develop the second paragraph. The second paragraph, like I previously said, just requires more development in relation to the first paragraph. It has the potential to close the essay on a strong note which is why I was disappointed with the first version of your closing statement. Stay on this path while developing your essay. There is nothing wrong with it. In fact, everything is going in the right direction for your response statement.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Ratan, the purpose of your enrollment in the masters degree in Construction Management course is still not clear in this essay. I want you to ask yourself one question. "What do kind of contribution do you want to make in the field of construction management?" think of something serious. Something that will help address a clear problem in construction management that you feel is hindering the development of construction projects overall. The focus of your studies, the reason you want to complete this course, is pivotal to the statement of purpose.

The reviewer is looking for evidence that this course of study will have a contribution to your future career. He doesn't need to know your college data, that is what your transcript of records is supposed to be submitted for. The statement of purpose is more concerned with your relevant work experience. Build that portion of your essay some more. Talk about your relevant internship experience and make sure to name the company and years of your internship with them so that your claim will have credibility in the eyes of the reviewer. Focus on construction management problems and experience.

It is not enough that you want to have your own construction firm in the future. If you do not have the work experience to relate to construction management, no amount of theoretical study will help you in developing the proper mindset, skills, and opportunities to properly develop your construction firm. What will set your construction firm apart from the others? What specific kind of construction firm do you want to have in the future? How does construction management studies help you achieve those dreams?

Create a more solid idea for your thesis statement and present the problem you have developed for research as part of the purpose for your interest in this masters degree. If you can present your concern in the form of research, then your purpose will have a stronger foundation and also create the idea that you are capable of finishing this course within the allotted time frame.

Writing Feedback / It is important to rest the mind during leisure time. [4]

Chau, while your essay speaks of valid reasons for resting the mind during leisure time, it fails to take into account that the human brain is constantly analyzing, solving problems, and functioning to keep the whole system of life running our bodies. Therefore, it is important that the brain totally rest in order to allow parts of it to totally rest while the rest of the brain keeps our life systems going. In my opinion, the flaw of your essay is in its line of reasoning that fails to consider the fact that the brain, when made to rest by still doing analytical activities causes headaches, migraines, and other health issues in people. Since you failed to consider the health aspect of the brain itself, the discussion becomes ill advised and shows that the writer does not have a full understanding or ability to consider all aspects of the provided prompt. While you could get an acceptable score for this essay, you could have gotten an even better score if you had done a more serious analysis of the prompt requirements based on mental health issues as well.

Writing Feedback / Writing 2: people think instead of preventing climate change, we need to find a way to live with it [7]

Arlen, the discussion of colonizing Mars does not fall under the topic of living with climate change or dealing with climate change. Moving humans to Mars will be the final step in abandoning the Earth after climate change has totally destroyed the planet. Therefore, the idea of discussing that in this essay is inappropriate. Instead, you should have built up the discussion of scientists considering moving underground. That is a proper way of discussing how to live with climate change. Your conclusion needs more work. You have to properly develop the conclusion to restate the prompt, both sides of the argument, and then repeat your opinion on the matter in order to to allow for a completely developed end to your essay.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Ratan, the more that I read the essay that you revised, the more I am convinced that you are applying for the wrong masters degree course. Everything that you are talking about in this essay leads me to believe that your interests lie more in Sustainable Architecture instead of Construction Management. Have you really decided on the latter for your masters degree course? All of the information that you have shared aligns more with Sustainable Architecture. Please consider changing your masters course if you still can do that. I am not convinced that you will make a good construction management masters student because your interests seem to lie in a different line of construction.

You have combined 2 different fields of architecture into one essay. That is why this essay lacks focus and direction. You need to realize that there are clear sections, such as the opening statement and paragraph 4 which relate to Sustainable Architecture. Since that is not the focus of your masters application, you have to remove those sections in order to better focus the presentation on construction management instead. I realize that while you do not need to write a replacement paragraph for paragraph 4, you will need to write a fresh opening statement to take the place of the current one. The new opening paragraph should focus more on the construction management field in the discussion rather than a reference to Sustainable Architecture.

Writing Feedback / You have just spent a weekend at a friend's house and forgot your coat containing some belongings [2]

Jaya, if you are going to make up information about the value of the coat, saying you left your wallet in it with valuable identification cards will not work. Mostly because in real life, you will never leave the house without first checking for your wallet. If you did leave the house without it, you will soon realize that you left it and return for it. Just saying that the jacket was a gift from your wife on your wedding anniversary so you have to get it back is already enough of a pivotal reason to get the jacket back. Also, in the part where you discuss the need for the person to be reachable on Thursday, do not say "to collect the coat" as that phrase entails that the person who currently has the coat will have to go and get the coat. Instead say "Please be available on Thursday so my friend can collect the coat from you." Before I forget, the English name is Steven, not Stevens. Stevens is an English last name and not the first name of a person.

Undergraduate / Mini-essay for my UBC application's personal profile. Problem and/or an unfamiliar situation. [6]

Dawei, congratulations on traversing the intricate world of visa procurement without the aid of anyone else. That is definitely a feat in itself and the method by which you accomplished the task, considering that was your first time doing it, is truly admirable. That particular paragraph was really well developed and presented. However, the same does not hold true for the second paragraph relating to the lesson you learned from the experience. It is too simple and straightforward. It is definitely too short to be considered an acceptable paragraph in the essay. Can you expand upon the last paragraph by at least 3 sentences? Just to make sure that you can clearly close the essay on the strongest note possible. At the moment, this seems like you rushed through the writing and development of the essay content. All because the second paragraph is underwhelming and under developed.

Undergraduate / USC supplement: when I'm exposed to a new perspective [2]

Jiang, what you wrote is a personal introspection essay. While I applaud your ability for self-analysis and your desire to learn more based upon personal experience and challenges, that is not what this essay requires. The prompt is very clear that the challenge to the belief, idea, or perspective must come from your interaction with a different person. As such, this essay, while well written, does not properly address the prompt requirements. You have to develop a new essay that touches on a moment when someone challenged your belief, idea, or perspective regarding something that you strongly support. Did he manage to convince you to change your belief? Perhaps you became more open minded about the topic? Or did you remain steadfast in your belief? That is the sort of discussion that this response essay should be presenting. Don't throw this essay away though. Keep it for another essay that it might be useful for. You never know when that might happen.

Scholarship / Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hope & wishes. [12]

At this point, there is no reason to mention the university or universities that you plan to apply for admission to yet. There is a specific essay for the KGSP program, I believe it is a study plan essay or something along those lines, that will allow you to discuss your chosen masters degree course along with the 3 Korean universities that you have chosen to enroll in. It is only then that you should present the discussion of your university choices. This particular essay is just concentrated on your background and helping the reviewer figure out if you have the ability to actually qualify for admission to a Korean university as a masters degree student. That is why I am concerned about certain, specific weaknesses in your essay. I hope that there will be some way that you can develop better responses that can help improve your chances for consideration.

Undergraduate / Exchanging ideas and sharing experiences. Applying in scholarship, Essay about my interests. [12]

You don't have to mention your age when sharing your publication experience. That is an unnecessary plot point here because you are only sharing the information about your general interests, hobbies, and voluntary work. If you include the age that you began in the activity, the reviewer might tend to think that your activity doesn't belong in the response because you were still very young when you engaged in it. In order to create a stronger foundation for your activities, just discuss your participation without mentioning names. It creates a stronger presentation specially when accompanied by the fact that you are a published author as well.

In your second paragraph, change all the tenses to past tense since you have already performed all of these activities. It does not make sense to allow the reviewer to think that you are still performing these duties at present because you are already a senior in school and are about to enter college. Do you see the problem that your inappropriate tense use created? More importantly, I spotted a lower case I when using the first person pronoun, kindly change it to the capital form since the term is being used in a formal academic writing piece.

Undergraduate / Aspects of Colorado College which attracted my attention. Why this College? [2]

Batjin, the essay that you developed is well thought out and really displays admirable reasons for wishing to attend Colorado College. In the first paragraph though, you have to add an explanation as to how you came across Prof. Burns and how you managed to see his presentation. I am assuming that you have not been to visit the campus yet, so if you did not have any actual interaction with the professor on campus, how did it happen? Relay the necessary additional information in the first paragraph to better explain the foundation of your response.

In the last paragraph, don't discuss the common known facts such as the faculty and student ration of the college. That is something that tended to weaken your essay. Therefore, it should not be included. The closing statement must close in a position of strength. Therefore, just reiterate the reason for attending at the professor and the academic curriculum. That should work best for your essay.

Graduate / Motivation Letter - Business Information Systems (MSc Information Studies) - Amsterdam - UvA [5]

Stalin, the first paragraph of your essay does not make any sense at all. What are you trying to say? The opening statement of your motivation letter should portray the reason why you want to enroll in this program. As a Fraud Investigator, you should be able to explain the elements of your job which you feel are being held back by your lack of training in a particular aspect. Or, perhaps you feel that there is a part of the overall work of a fraud investigator that needs to be strengthened. Therefore, enrolling in the masters degree program will help you to gain an insight into the advanced fraud investigation techniques that should help you to improve in the performance of your duty. That is the essence of your motivation letter and that is what should be seen as developing throughout the essay. More importantly, you have to explain why you feel that UVA is the school that can help you achieve this goal. At the moment, your essay is saying a lot of things that do not make any sense at all to the reader. There is no clear motivation and your last part, talking about your success on the job doesn't even belong in a motivation letter. It belongs in a statement of purpose. Try to revise the letter to better reflect the development of your interest in the field of fraud investigation based upon the comments I made in earlier paragraphs. These should help you create a better motivation letter draft.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of telephone calls in the UK [4]

Ayu, please remember the capitalization rules for proper nouns. When you are discussing the nationality of a person such as the British, you have to capitalize the first letter of the word. Be very careful with the way that you construct your sentences in these instances as the simple mistakes that you make can have adverse effects on your final grade. While your essay serves its purpose of delivering the information about the telephone calls, there is a lack of proper information presentation as these are all presented as one complete train of thought coming from the writer instead of the more proper divided sentences within a paragraph in order to create an easy to read and understand information chain. It is important to divide your presentation into individual sentences, as well as paragraphs in order to offer the reader a better chance to read the information without excess strain on their comprehension skills.

Writing Feedback / Internet opinion from a common user [4]

Jaya, kindly provide the complete prompt instructions for our comparison with the essay that you wrote. It is important that we get a clear idea of the information you are being asked to compare and that the actual instruction is regarding any personal opinion on your part. This will be part of the task accuracy scoring that should be done when reviewing the essay that you wrote. Without the prompt, we cannot just the appropriateness of your response to the prompt provided. In a formally written essay, you are never to use short cut words such as "etc." in an effort to indicate "and so on and so forth". That is something that is allowed only in non academic writing. Avoid making the same mistake in your future practice essays.

Next, make sure that you spell the words properly in your essays because you will lose points in the lexical resource section when you make mistakes such as "openions", which should have been properly spelled as "opinions". Wrong spelling of words, even though used in the proper context, will result in points deduction.

Finally, I do not see a clear presentation of your personal opinion regarding the matter. It is important that your personal opinion be represented properly by the first person pronouns such as "I,me, mine". That way the examiner knows that this paragraph is not discussing the point of view of others but rather your opinion on the given discussion.

Undergraduate / What really impressed me is that TEDxZYZ is really influential. Extra activities essay. [4]

Jiang, the problem with the essay is that is focuses on the organization and how it works rather on your participation in the organization and what benefits you have gained, lessons you have learned, or contributions you have made the community or society in general as a member of the organization. The essay requires you to share your experience as a participant in the extra curricular activity. It does not require you to introduce the activity as a stand alone topic in the essay. That is why the concentration of the essay was never on you, when it should have been solely on you. So, the best way to revise this essay will be to bring the attention of the reviewer to the way you participate in the organization and the kind of influence you have shared in terms of developing the club or the community that the club works with.

Scholarship / Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hope & wishes. [12]

Diga, the TOPIK is an integral part of this application so you must never tell the reviewer that you are not able to take the test. You need the results of that test to show that you are going to be capable of surviving in a country with a culture vastly different from your own. If you cannot speak or read in Korean, how do you expect to survive the academic and living environment in Korea? Exactly. Your application will be set aside and not be considered for the scholarship program. Revise your essay to instead indicate that you are doing self taught Korean lessons and also, mention that you plan to take the TOPIK in the future. Read the other KGSP applications available for your reference in this forum and use the information as examples as to how you can improve your application essay for this program.

Undergraduate / My university essay which delivers more info about me, my life, struggles and achievements [5]

Abdul, in instances of an open topic supplemental prompt, it falls upon you to create a topic or focus for discussion in your essay. Since the specific instruction was that you talk about your background, then think of a particular piece of information about your background that you either touched upon in the other prompts, which deserves to be better or more fully discussed in the supplemental aspect of your essay. Or think of something about your background that makes you a unique applicant to the university and state that in the supplement. You need to place a target on your essay because there is a tendency for the essay to get away from you in terms of content when you do not have any guidelines set for yourself. In this case, the length of the essay and the central topic for discussion got away from you. As a reviewer, I would want to read the prompt that you set for yourself at the start of the essay. That way, I will know how to focus my attention and consideration on the information that you have presented. Make sure that you use the supplement to highlight something about your personal background. Right now, there is too much information in the essay which does not allow the reviewer to actually focus on getting to know a specific aspect of your background or personality / character development. You need to fix that problem.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - MAP (comparison the development of some tourist facilities) [6]

Ayu, the information that you provide in your essay is lacking. There are two maps indicated in the report given to you. Therefore, the introduction should have acknowledge the existence of an original map and a revised map based upon changes made to the island. Prior to the lengthy discussion of the changes made, there should have also been a paragraph that indicated the original status of the island, that means prior to the development of the resort. That way, the reason for the existence of the two maps for your summary report consideration becomes evident. Right now. Your focus on the new map is all that is seen in the essay, which means that no consideration to the first map was given and therefore, the changes indicated do not have any importance to the reader. Due to the missing information and comparison, your will not score highly in a similar test in an actual setting. Always remember that the comparison is always necessary in these types of essays, regardless of the type of information presented to you for summarizing. Without the comparison, the essay is not informative at all.