Scholarship / Why study in the UK - New Castle University and Birmingham City University [7]

Liseth, one final edit needs to be done on the essay and then you don't even have to ask me if it's ready to use. It actually will be the best version that it can be and you were the one that created it. In the second paragraph where you talk about the sense that you still have room to learn. Instead of implying that you decided to pursue the masters course because one never stops learning, say instead that you pursued a masters because you felt that you are not yet done with academia studies. It is not proper to say that one never stops learning so you decided to go back to school. One can actually continue to learn and study even without attending formal classes at an institution. Aside from that solitary revision, everything about the essay is, as far as I am concerned, perfected in a manner that only you can do. Congratulations on a job well done Liseth!

Scholarship / People w good networking skills are able to approach the right person for their benefit [Chevening] [7]

Sandy, I am troubled by the fact that you can only use simple examples of your networking skills in this essay. I am not sure about how it will hold up or compete with the other essays regarding the same topic from different applicants with more impressive networks and networking skills to present. While this essay is acceptable enough for a simple job application or college scholarship, this really isn't the kind of networking essay that would impress the Chevening reviewer. With thousands of other applicants with more impressive or engaging networking essays, what reason can we give for him to consider yours with its simple networking narrative?

The idea is for this network to serve as your support group upon graduation and also allow you to contribute to the Chevening scholarship community by sharing your network with the alumna and current scholars when called upon to do so. Maybe you should take a step back and try to think, think long and hard, about a networking experience that relates to your profession that might, at the very least, catch the attention of the reviewer long enough to consider your application.

Scholarship / Leadership is not a gift at birth, leaders are created by hard work, dedication and experience [5]

Rana, there are two ways that you can go with this essay. The first, is to keep this essay as is, with all of its under developed but impressive mentions of your potential as a leader, but without a clear path towards a role as an influential person in your profession or community. The other, is to pick out the 2 most leadership and influencing specific portions of your background that can best reflect your abilities in light of the prompt requirements. My suggestion is to follow option 2. The one that will best portray your skills and allow the reviewer to see you as a possible influencing and leading force in your country or community in the future.

In terms of influencing powers, I believe that your stint as a Teaching Assistant in the Faculty of Fine Arts would be the best way to prove your influencing skills. The mere fact that you speak of motivating young people and sharing your experiences with them implies that you have some sort of influence upon this group. I suggest that you develop that paragraph a bit more to reflect an actual inspirational incident that can help support the claim that you have the ability to influence the members of your community towards positive participation in activities.

With regards to the leadership, work the angle regarding your rise from Junior Architect to team Leader. Make sure to highlight the difficulties of the job in terms of leading a team where you have to lead 4 architects, all of whom have different behaviors, demands, and abilities. If you can throw in an influencing angle, all the better.

Basically, you will need to revise the essay in order to focus on these 2 suggestions of mine. I hope that you will consider these suggestions and write a new draft based upon it. You can compare the 2 versions and make the decision as to which version to use for yourself.

Scholarship / Why study in the UK - New Castle University and Birmingham City University [7]

Liseth, if you will kindly remove the first paragraph that just delivers a personal opinion on your part, I believe that the essay will be almost ready for submission. There are just a few simple tweaks that need to be done prior to submission. The major change though, will be the removal of the first paragraph.

Now, in the second paragraph, I can sense that the exposure you had on the property is one of the major factors that led to your decision to seek higher education in order to become a sustainable architect. I believe that if you make a direct reference to that, your background / academic / professional experience receives a boost of validity that is kind of short at the moment. Being a woman in a man's profession, we need to make sure that you are seen as a unique architect regardless of your gender. Once you accomplish those tasks, you will finally have the essay ready for final review and submission.

Scholarship / Staving off a strike of hospital's employees - Essay for Chevening leadership and influence question [5]

Yousif, use this simplified but more accurate version of your essay as an example of how to properly revise your essay:

As a Junior Pharmacist at Aramco Pharmacy, located within the Saad Hospital, I have been one of the back room leaders whose strict performance of duties are an intricate part of patient care. My job at the pharmacy is relied upon by the higher level staffers such as the nurses and doctors, to help cure the patients through the regular supply of medication at specific times. Recognizing the importance of my duty to the patients, it never occurred to me that my dedication to my job would one day be tested and that I would be called upon to perform a simple, yet significant leadership role.

It had been a total of 4 months that our salaries had not been paid by the hospital management. There was unrest and talks among the employees of going on strike to force the management to pay the back salaries owed. Before I knew it, the strike was ongoing and social media was ablaze with up to date citizen reporting from the hospital staff who refused to cross the picket line. "How could they do this? Don't they know that there are lives at stake here? " I thought to myself as I crossed the line, a line that needed to be crossed because lives on the other side of it depended upon me putting my self interests second to that of saving lives.

While I did agree with the strikers, I did not agree with their method of negotiating with the offending parties. I made sure to support the strikers, without sacrificing the job that I took an oath to perform. From within the hospital walls, I encouraged discussions with the Senior Pharmacists regarding the need to have back wages paid. While they listened to me, I reminded them that the strike could result in lost lives. I did my best to inspire and motivate those who remained to work at the hospital to do their jobs well because the situation would be resolved soon. I led by example as best as I could by embodying professionalism in the workplace, performing my tasks and duties even though the working conditions were not good.

The salary crisis still exists today. However, service at the pharmacy has not stopped even or a split second because I refused to let those working in the pharmacy be influenced by the negativity around them. I inspired them to continue delivering patient care because the patients had nothing to do with our issues at the hospital. I led the charge towards a realization that our work issues should not affect innocent lives negatively. As I continue to play the role of an inspiring backroom leader, I have earned the respect of my supervisor and manager. People who now also consider me a leader in my own right.

Scholarship / Tell me how you meet the requirements of leadership [5]

Thaw, you can actually have more word count available if you decide to remove the reference to the college leadership role that you played. The paragraph is quite vague anyway and does not really portray your leadership role in an important, character building light. As for the influencing discussion, you can better refer to that using the work you did as a volunteer at the organization.

So, there are two aspects of this essay that you can improve upon, the influencing role should be highlighted, along with the indirect leadership, within your activities at the organization (remember to give the organization name in the essay). Then, expand upon your professional leadership skills as best as you can.

I can almost see how the revision of this essay should look. Unfortunately, I can't do it for you because I don't have the complete facts. What I have in mind is only based upon the existing information. So I am really excited to read what you can come up with in the revised essay.

Scholarship / I always believe in the power of networking. My answer on Chevening "Networking" Essay Question [3]

Eng, I applaud you for properly referencing the method by which a college student can effectively create a network that can be impressive to a reviewer and also, present the fact that he has been building his professional network all along. Your work with ICE and the network that you created shows that you are still capable of maintaining and using those networks you created in college. Regardless of the amateur status of that network at the time, by the time you graduate, you had moved on to the more professional version of ICE, which is the important part of that story.

However, you seem to have dropped the ball when you spoke of your work experience after graduation. Since you worked with this company over several projects, why were you unable to present an equally impressive mode of network development as a part of your professional career development? That paragraph in particular leaves the reviewer wanting to know more and hoping to read about the advances or improvements you have made in terms of your network and your networking skills. Any chance we can look forward to such an improvement in the next draft?

Scholarship / Commercialized CAE software for Indonesia - Chevening Scholarsip - Career Plan Essay [4]

Rubani, your plan is quite admirable. It is clear and shows a definite career path that includes any potential research and contributions that you can make towards the betterment of the space program of your country. However, all space programs and ambitious projects require a specific time frame for its completion otherwise, the project will be in planning hell for a very long time. Could you please include your estimated time frame for all of these plans of yours? A career plan normally includes a run down of the months or years that you feel it shall take for the completion of your project. Without it your plans are just wishful dreams. Specially when it comes to space programs. The plans are equivalent to a number of years, which translates into the cost of the research project upon completion. These are specific types of information that should help your career plan become a more solid, yet ambitious idea on your part and should be capable of at least holding the reviewer in awe as he reads your proposal for the next phase of your career.

Scholarship / Leadership as a physician. Essay for Chevening scholarship, need suggestions and correction. [2]

Aysha, instead of saying that you asked more questions and issued less orders to your subordinates as a doctor, why not try to go for a more inspiring method of presenting that discussion? Right now, it is too technical and cut and dried in approach. There is is no sense of connection with the other workers in the hospital and you come across as being almost dictatorial in style when needed. Try to reword the essay to make yourself sound like an inspiring person who used influence and leadership abilities to get the job done.

For example, when you did not have any speakers, I am sure your team mates were quite apprehensive to approach the doctors to request any of the doctors to be a speaker at your event. How did you influence them to take the chance and talk to the doctors? Did you do this through example or inspirational speech? Try to develop a more interesting approach to that incident. The same goes for the latter part where you discuss the hospital staff. How do you influence them to get the job done during those times when they just wanted to rest and give up already? Show your leadership and influencing abilities are effective during instances when everything seems like an insurmountable mess. That should help the paper become more interesting for the reviewer to read and most likely, create a memorable scenario in relation to your application.

Graduate / Hope this would be a fine three courses questions response for the UK study ;-) [3]

Phoowadon, you don't need to delve on the history of animal laws in the United Kingdom. What you do have to offer, is an overview of your previous academic or work experience in this particular field. Now I noticed that you placed that information at the bottom of the essay. I think that you can divide that paragraph into 2. The first part, you can bring up in the essay to become your introduction. Then save the last part regarding your future plans after graduation for the conclusion. That way you will have a more relevant opening and closing statement.

In the first course, you speak of a future plan at the end of it. What kind of plan is that? Is there any chance you can present an overview that will prove a direct relationship with the your interest in the course? Try to provide more information that can allow the reviewer to at least get an idea as to the kind of student you might become.

Now when you speak of the Applied Animal Behavior course, mention the kind of research and study that you might be able to do in this field based upon the course offering. That can help to further develop the paragraph and offer a better idea of how you hope to perform as a student at the university.

For the third course, why would it be important for you to communicate in a scientific style? What exactly do you hope to gain by acquiring this type of knowledge from this course? I hope that you can take the time to further develop the discussion.

These are the parts that I believe have room for improvement at this time. I might make some additional suggestions as we progress with your editing. So far, you have done a pretty good job on your own. Good job!

Undergraduate / REWRITE of Short (250 word) MIT Admissions Essay on the "world I come from" [5]

Well then, it definitely works in relation to the prompt that was provided. I believe that submitting it is something that you can expect to have a positive impact upon your application. It was really engaging to read and involved me in the scenes as they unfolded. The narrative is something that most people, maybe even the reviewer, can relate to. So you don't have to worry about the way the essay might be received by the reader. It works for your purpose.

Personally, I still would have just chosen one parent to discuss based upon their influence upon me. The essay was giving me the unique opportunity to write about a person who inspired who I have become today. Although I am the completion of the best of my parents, I believe that one parent will always have a more significant influence upon a child. So I would have written about that parent in order to create a better idea of why I am the way I am or who I am today. Like I said though, good work on the original essay. It serves its purpose.

Undergraduate / Volleyball and grandparents. REVIEWING MY COLLEGE ADMISSION ESSAY [4]

Okay. If I were to write this essay based upon the information that you gave me, I would probably develop it in the following manner:

Everyone says that each family has a patriarch, someone whose mere existence, whose presence, whether implied or physical, can turn the tide of trouble or present a solution to a problem when discord exists in a family. In most families, the father holds that position of high regard. In my family though, we have bestowed that position upon my father's father, my grandfather. He is our guiding light and anchor in a storm. He is the person who has had a hand in raising all of us either directly or indirectly.

My father looked up to his own father as the example of who a father should be....
My mother always sought his advice because....
Then were was me. The grandchild who spent the most time with him growing up....

His eventual death left our family lost for a few months. I was probably the most lost of them all....

That is how I would approach the essay to make it more family inclusive as per the prompt requirements. This is just my idea. I hope you can develop something original for yourself, something that applies more to what you want to say based upon it.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship on leadership - "The government is best which makes itself unnecessary" [3]

Meera, there is too much concentration on the theoretical side of your leadership skill and not enough of your skills in action. The same goes for the influencing part of the prompt. Note that I will not trivialize the role that your leadership portrayed in the development of the guidebooks and the like. Your background leadership is just as important in terms of leadership. After all, where would we all be if there weren't people who wrote books about how to lead others right? However, Chevening requires more than just the hypothetical. It requires leadership and influencing skills in practice as well. This is the area where your essay isn't really delivering on the prompt. By any chance, do you have any practical applications of leadership and influencing within the state department that would help to fill that gap in your essay? I assure you, the essay will only get better with that addition to the essay.

Scholarship / Describe how you plan to give back to your community after your grduation. [6]

Mun, rather than introducing the foundation and the work that they do in the community, you should reverse the essay to instead present how your participation in the foundation will help the community. So you have been working with the foundation since you were nine. I expect that your volunteer activities there have evolved along with the maturity that comes with your age. Base your response upon that. I would also like you to consider a non profession related contribution that you can make. These can be in terms of actual volunteer work or even pro-bono services to those in need, all done through the foundation of course.

Your conclusion should circle back to the way that the work you will do for the foundation will help the community in general. It should not further discuss the activities of the foundation. Right now, the essay is focusing on the wrong topic. Your contribution to the community, whether within the foundation or outside of it, is the focal point of the prompt. So the focus of the essay, which is solely on the foundation and its activities, should be revised to reflect your sole participation in giving back to the community instead.

Scholarship / It has always been my dream to become a great leader/influencer in my home country, Indonesia [3]

Eng, would you mind doing some major changes to the content of your essay? The reason I ask is because I see a number of points within this version that we can either remove or re-position, and add content to which can further improve the information in your essay. For starters, you need to open the essay in such a manner that the reviewer will immediately think, "Well, this person has an impressive start. I wonder what else he has to share?" I am thinking that we can do that if we open the essay at the part where you mention the ICE activity. The high school activity sounds a bit too juvenile to be impressive when one considers the necessary image that your essay must create for you.

So, open with ICE and explain what your leadership role was or how you helped in making the seminar as a reality. What were you expected to deliver in terms of leadership and how did you manage to deliver it? I feel like there is a lot more that you are not telling the reviewer about in the current paragraph. I sense that your leadership role was more important than you are letting on. Am I right about that?

Now about your professional leadership experience. Try to expand on the situation as the project fell behind. Did you have to do something in terms pushing (influencing) the team to work more efficiently so that the project could meet the preset deadline? There was an implication in the paragraph but you did not really spell it out. In this kind of essay, you need to be very clear with the information you present.

Overall, this is an excellent draft that gives us room to improve it. You don't need too much experience to present. You just need to present notable ones. I hope that you will be able to achieve that in the next draft.

Undergraduate / STANFORD extracurricular activities or work experiences, can I make supplement essay on photography? [4]

Hi Cecilia, I have a different suggestion for you. Since most of your essays related to your Stanford application already deals with photography, try to impress the reviewer by presenting a different side of your character or personality. Show the reviewer that you are capable of leaving your passion behind for something less stressful and relaxing. Present an extra curricular activity that would offer an insight into who you are beyond the lens and far from the photography studio lights. By doing so, you will present an equal and balanced personality to the reviewer. You will have presented your passion for photography in your application essays, so its time that you let the reviewer know that you have the ability to let your hair down and just have fun in the supplement.

Scholarship / Being a contributing factor in improvement of Xcountry society - career plan essay [3]

Phoowadon, your post career plan is quite admirable. I have just one question though, how do you plan to finance this project? Throughout the plan that you developed, it seemed to me that you will need to fund this project somehow. Shouldn't fundraising be part of your career plans at this point? While I know that you can get volunteers to work with you, there will still be a need for you to pay for some things related to your organization. Therefore, before you even start to get volunteers, your first year plan should include the fundraising projects. Maybe you can refer back to the Chevening network as part of the fund raising process since this is already a post study career plan. So the network should come into play to help you with your plans. The rest of the essay proposal is quite good though. I don't see a need to change or add anything side from what I suggested above.

Undergraduate / 'to learn, and to be a better one' Personal Essay of an Art Student Applying to RISD, SAIC and MICA [4]

Shanran, the first thing you should do to revise this essay is to develop a introductory paragraph that first, gives your original name then, your new name. Explain the tradition of giving two names to the reader as this is something that is unique to the Chinese culture and traditions. By telling the reader your two names and then concentrating on the second name and its meaning, you give the essay a sense of clarity that is lacking at the moment.

Your overall essay is a bit difficult to read at the moment because of the lack of proper formatting. Remember to leave a space between paragraphs so that the essay will be easier to read. For the writer, it also eases the act of revising the essay because you can easily find the part to edit in the paragraph.

Your essay would be greatly helped by your personal reflection regarding your name. How did you feel when you were given a new name? Did you find it necessary? Did giving you a new name help you improve your self-confidence? Or did the name serve as a sort of unspoken guide in your life? I think there is an implication in your essay that the name serves as some sort of inspiration or guidance for you. The essay will really be further improved if you add such a paragraph to this essay.

Scholarship / I believe in the critical role of effective communication. Requirement of networking skill Chevening [3]

Nguyen, the networking skill that you mentioned while you were still in college, the one where you attended a conference and got the chance to meet someone who introduced to Prof. X which in turn got you an interview and a job is not something that you should be sharing in this essay. As much as possible, your essay should stand on its own merits and, if yo must name the name of a notable person in your essay, make sure that he is a primary contact whom you can call upon for help at any given time. As a tertiary contact, he won't even remember your name and when he is contacted for possible fact checking, things may not go as you hope it would. Try to avoid mentioning notable names if you are not in direct and constant communication with them. That is what creates a useful and notable contact.

In all honesty, I believe that the strongest networking example that you can provide for your essay is located in the third paragraph. That is because the situation allowed you create direct contacts that allowed you to develop and exercise the correct networking skills. The end result of the networking practice is also something of note and therefore, supports the idea that you have the kind of networking skills that Chevening expects of its scholars.

Undergraduate / A personal statement (within 300 words) explaining why you are interested in attending a UWC school [4]

Yeasir, the more impressive UWC personal statements are those that actually work towards tying in the core values of the college with their own personal and traditional beliefs. UWC looks for a deeper meaning in the action of their students because they desire to admit only those who can embody and help promote their college values. Have you bothered to look up these values on the website? The information is readily available there.

Use the information in the proper manner. Opt for at least 3 values that you have in common with UWC. Discuss how you embody these in essay form and make sure to contribute an idea as to how you can help further heighten the promotion of the said values while being a student there. The contribution should be implementable either as part of the student community, or the community at large.

The essay that you wrote is not very clear in this aspect. In fact, it sounds confusing and lacks proper development in terms of the paragraph essence. You don't have to relate that story about the flag creation at the beginning of the essay. In a word limited essay, you should avoid long introductions and instead, focus on the immediate presentation of your facts and information.

Scholarship / I usually organize professional football matches - Chevening Networking Skills Essay. [5]

Hi Tarik. You have a well rounded essay here. You have managed to show your social, academic, and professional networking skills in one essay. However, the sports portion is quite underdeveloped and as such, can't really help to expand upon the idea of sports as having been able to help you grow your network. Could you develop the sports part as a separate paragraph from the academic mention? While the activity may have taken place in school, sports is considered different from the academic aspect of education so giving it a stand alone paragraph would better highlight the benefits that you got from that activity.

You should also work on better representing your academic networking skills. Right now, you are just telling the reviewer that you created a network, but are not offering a solid representation of if. One example should suffice, specially if it ties in with the way that you developed a network as a lecturer. As a lecturer, I feel that you should only mention your professional network development. Networking with the students is not something that is of much use to the teaching assistant or lecturer. You are already of a higher stature than that of a student so your networks should be at least a step higher than that of a student.

The volunteering part doesn't really exemplify how you could have managed to create a network during the time you participated in the activities. Could you be a little more specific about your duties that encouraged the development of your networking skills? It just seems like the discussion is more geared towards the team participation than your individual contribution.

Undergraduate / Volleyball and grandparents. REVIEWING MY COLLEGE ADMISSION ESSAY [4]

Rayleene, I am a bit concerned about the topic of the essay. I understand that you were vying for the discussion about family in this essay. However, the sole focus of your work is the relationship that you had with your grandfather. Now if this was an essay about someone who you looked up to or a role model in your life, then it I guess it would have been acceptable. But, this essay asks you to discuss your family as a whole. The unit that has come together in order to help shape the person you are. So that would mean presenting the impressions that you have of your father, mother, and siblings (first) then, if applicable, your grandparents (second). Their collective influence is what has helped to shape the person you have become today.

So what I am suggesting is this, try to involve your parents in the story somehow. Portray some influence upon you coming from each family member. This essay is asking you to present or introduce your family to the reviewer. It would be a shame to just introduce your grandfather and his influence on you in this instance. You just have to revise the essay to reflect the changes that I suggest are necessary.

Undergraduate / The most innovative and creative students - Help on Penn Essay [2]

Sekou, you are expected to discuss your pursuit of your academic and intellectual interests at Wharton / UPenn. You successfully did that for most of the paper. However, when you started discussing the Wharton Undergraduate Real Estate Club, you veered away from the discussion regarding your academic and intellectual interests. Seriously, since your mother is not attending the university and her business is her own, you should not even have mentioned her in the essay. Had you felt that you really wished to include some real estate reference, you should have implied that you worked for your mother and therefore, have a vested academic and intellectual interest in the area. I don't believe that you should include that discussion in the essay anymore as it does not directly relate to you and your professional interests. You already mentioned your apparel company earlier in the essay. That was more than enough and actually quite relevant to the discussion.

On a side note, you have to learn to format the paper as per acceptable academic guidelines. Leave a space between paragraphs in order to denote a change in topic. More importantly, learn to use one topic per paragraph and also, use transition sentences to ensure a smooth reading experience for the reviewer. I hope that you can accomplish these edits for the betterment of your essay. I am impressed by your essay as it is. You just need to clean it up a bit for proper presentation and consideration.

Graduate / I have always harboured a keen interest in Economics and current affairs - Application for UCL MSc [5]

Sumaya, for starters, what is the maximum word count for this essay? The reason I ask is because I would like to know if we still have room to further improve the essay or if we should be viewing this from an editing point of view. Right now, at over 700 words, I am inclined to think that we should be looking at making this essay shorter than it currently is.

I think that the basis for your interest in this course is not too strong. There should be some sort of reference as to what intrigued you about Economics at such a young age. Maybe an anecdote or early exposure to the business. Any information that can help explain why you said that you have always harboured a keen interest in Economics. From the way you spoke in your introduction, it sounds a lot like your interest started in childhood. Can you share how that happened with the reviewer?

You don't really need to go into great detail regarding the classes that you took. You can just discuss your favorite class and explain why that is so. Then, jump into your college thesis discussion. It should relate to Economics and allow you to present some ideas as to how your desire to attend masters studies came about. I think that you can opt for just one class discussion in your response. Just so you can lower the word count further. I doubt it will affect the overall content of the essay.

Now, since this is a personal statement for higher studies, you should try to make a connection between your academic and professional plans by giving an overview of your immediate career path. What are your specific goals upon graduation? That could be a discussion that would tie in with your dissertation or some final class research project. Anything that will show a dedication to the course you have decided to parlay into your career. Our final aim will be to make sure that the reviewer knows that you are definitely prepared to take on the demands of a masters course and that you are sure you can complete the masters classes within a specified time frame.

Undergraduate / If you could only do one of the activities which one would you keep doing? Why? U of M essay [4]

Rose, you can definitely do that. Don't be afraid to play around with the content of the essay. Specially since it is word limited. You should target using as little of the available word count as possible to get your message across. That is because the statement is meant to test your communication skills. Are you capable of delivering a complete thought within a limited word frame? The answer should be yes. Keep adjusting your response until you are satisfied that it is as short, but informative as it can be regarding your response. Reviewers always appreciate the statements that come in under the word count but tells them everything they need to know just the same. It shows an analytical mind on the part of the student and tells them that the student will manage to express himself or herself properly while in class.

Undergraduate / If you could only do one of the activities which one would you keep doing? Why? U of M essay [4]

Rose, let's get something clear here. When one says dance is his passion, that means that it runs in his veins. So you will need to rephrase that sentence or try for a different simple introduction to your statement. Now, do you really have to be so specific as to mention Bollywood dancers? Can't you keep the description somewhat generic? I know that they are pretty good dancers but when you speak of dance, you should try to appeal to a general audience instead of a specific dance style and crowd. You never know if the reviewer is familiar with Bollywood dance or not. So there is a chance your reference might fall upon a flat audience if he is not familiar with the term and dance style. The rest of your statement is quite responsive to the prompt though. No problems with the later part of your response as far as I can tell. So, if you decide to agree with me and you end up tweaking the parts I mentioned, your essay will be good to go.

Scholarship / An officer and doctor with impeccable leadership qualities. Chevening - leadership during conflict. [2]

Mohamed, I sincerely appreciate the fact that you perfectly understood the prompt and that you were able to amply provide a response that more than responded to the necessary prompt requirements. The essay directly relates associated leadership and influencing skills on your part. Excellent work! That said, there are some minor edits that still need to be applied before the essay can actually enter its final, usable state. The revisions are really quite simple and won't affect the essay as you have written it.

First of all, due to the fact that the essay kicked off with the military discussion, it seems like such a let down to suddenly insert a sentence that deals with your being a secondary school prefect or university student union president. That particular line removed the attention from the highly important activity that you had just placed before the reader. The essay lost steam and suddenly changed direction because of the insertion of that statement. My opinion is that you should remove that line so that the essay can concentrate solely on the major discussion presented in the introduction.

Aside from that, the essay also feels as if it should not have ended where it did. While you relayed information about the work being done and amply provided evidence of your leadership and influence, there as no clear ending in sight for your mission. Perhaps you can develop a more relevant and applicable conclusion for your essay?

The aforementioned comments aside, you really did a very good job on this essay. You should give yourself a pat on the back for a job almost perfectly done.

Scholarship / Meeting the requirements for individuals with strong networking skills using clear examples. [5]

I won't get tired of helping you Edet. I hope you won't get tired of revising your essays either. We may have a long road ahead of us in terms of revising your essay until it gets to its final form. You are actually improving in form and content. There is only one portion that you cannot seem to do just yet and I hope that I can help you overcome that problem in the next incarnation of your essay.

About this National Insurance scheme. Were you the driving force behind this document? If so, can you explain its importance? Kindly mention the people whom you had to make contact and network with in order to get the document approved. That is if it was approved. Was it? If it wasn't I'll try to come up with something else for you to work on as the basis of your essay. I'll just need some time to review your credentials and develop some sort of networking angle that you can write about.

Scholarship / SYNOPSIS ON GENERAL MEDICINE AND HOW THE COURSE WILL ENHANCE MY CONTRIBUTION TO THE NATION. [3]

Hi Branchie, listen, your essay has a good enough start. With 200 words though, there is more that you can say in order to further support your claim of being able to contribute to your nation. My advice is to start with the removal of the part that defines what general medicine is. Since you will be submitting this essay to someone truly familiar with the field, there is no need for you to define the term anymore. That only takes away from your word count.

Now, I read a general idea of what you believe the work of a general doctor is based upon the rudimentary expectations of the job. Your plan to partner with the WHO is also admirable. However, I believe that the one idea as to how you will be able to help enhance your contribution to the Zambia health care system lies in your actual personal goals as a doctor. Aside from the general duties of a doctor in your country, what are the personal, compelling reasons that you have for wishing to become a general doctor? What is your goal? What do you wish to pursue in terms of general medicine practice that you know will make a definite mark on your nation? Think a bit harder and longer about the premise of your ambition. Go beyond the basic thoughts of contribution in order to make your essay stand out from among the thousands of applicants.

Scholarship / Networking skills question essay in theatre performance / practice MA , Chevening scholarship [3]

Mora, the first thing that you have to know about your essay is that the format you have it currently in makes it highly difficult to read. Please use proper spacing between paragraphs and most importantly, break down the discussion into separate topic paragraphs. Right now, the essay looks and reads like one tremendously long narration from beginning to end. This will not sit well with the reviewer who may just change his mind about reviewing your essay.

Now, as to the networking aspect. What you have presented is not a form of professional networking in relation to your work or project developments. The networking that you speak of here is that of a personal network that is developed among friends and co-workers. These are not the networks among people who can help you further your career in the future. In fact, there is no clear path towards networking on your end that can be spoken of in the essay.

What you need to do is concentrate on the presentation of your networking skill. For example, consider the workshop that you attended. Who did you meet? What did you learn? How did the workshop apply to your work? Did you attend any similar workshops after that? In what capacity? Would you say that the 2nd workshop helped you build on the connections that you made in the first workshop? If yes, then how did that happen?

Finally, your network essay needs to close with a statement regarding how you can help Chevening create a new network that can benefit the students who you will be mentoring from the scholarship in the future. Explain how you look forward to sharing your network and how you hope to also gain something from being exposed to the already existing Chevening network in your field of work.

Needless to say, there are some major revisions to be done to your essay. I hope that you will be able to find the right activities to write about in relation to the prompt.

Scholarship / My experience with leadership - I was selected as the marketing executive of a Cairo University [2]

Ahmed, when you read the prompt for this essay, it asks you to provide solid evidence / experience for the claims you will be making regarding leadership and influencing activities you have participated in. While a summation of these activities allows you to include as much information as possible in the essay, there is a lack of proper development and clear evidence as to how you performed these tasks. That is why it is always best to present one or two (at the most) examples of leadership and influencing that you can. Normally, one strong professional example is enough. However, if your professional example is weak or you do not have any to speak of yet, then you present something you led while in college. The presentation needs to be a fully developed activity that has an end result which is based upon the actions that you had taken in order to complete the event/incident/project.

In your case, I believe that the most impressive example of this would be the current project you are working on. Develop a new essay that will name the organization, explain the project, and give examples of the difficulties that required you to lead a team, along with explanations as to why you had to inspire your team to overcome some obstacles. Since this is your most current work experience in relation to the prompt, I believe that you will be able to relay the prompt requirements in a highly impressive manner.

Scholarship / Meeting the requirements for individuals with strong networking skills using clear examples. [5]

Nope. This isn't what Chevening is looking for just yet. You are getting close though. Remember the part when you claimed to have done things to hone your networking skills? It isn't enough that you just said it, you have to discuss it. Explain how you did that. What kind of network was created? Who were involved in the creation of this network? How did the network help you complete your task? These are the questions that you should be presenting answers to in the essay in order to prove that you have the strong networking skills that the scholarship requires of its students.

You can't just keep presenting summary discussions of your abilities or merely mentioning activities that seem to have a connection to networking. You need to show your networking skills in action. Please, do yourself a favor and refer to the sample networking essays in this forum. Look at how these were developed and do your best to imitate their content, only using your personal data in place of theirs. I guarantee you will be able to properly develop your essay if you do that.

Scholarship / Applying on Chevening; "Do not wait on a leader...look in the mirror, it's you!" - Katherine Miracle [6]

Mawra, my opinion is that the basketball story still works better. The reason that I say that is because the basketball story shows how you brought the team together to work towards victory. You were selfless and concentrated on the benefits of teamwork and inspiring those whom you knew could be of benefit to the team. In this work essay, you have a competition between the sexes going on instead of inspiring the boys and girls to work together right from the start. That is not a sign of a true, effective, and inspirational leader. If you want to use this story, why don't you turn yourself into the inspirational character instead who leads the girl who wanted to study cyber security towards the fulfillment of her dreams instead. That way you can be both the leader and influencing force in the life of the girl.

Scholarship / Meeting the requirements for individuals with strong networking skills using clear examples. [5]

Edet, While you have written a very nice short essay regarding your sense of leadership and influencing, the information that you presented is not exactly in line with what Chevening is looking for in their scholars. You have written an essay that is quite defeatist in attitude and does not prove that you know how to create strong and successful networking contacts for your own benefit. When writing a networking essay for Chevening, please make sure that you do that from the perspective of your networking skills in action rather than behind a desk, writing a report.

One suggestion that I can make is for you to think about your membership in various organizations. Think about how you participated in its various activities. Now, which activity in particular put you into contact with people from other organizations that you ended up having to regularly contact up to this very day? if you have an activity that helped you or required you to make contact with other people, then perhaps those would suit this essay best.

You see, Chevening really requires their scholars to be able to network successfully because the scholarship relies on these contacts from the alumna to help the in mentoring the future scholars. The sharing of the network with Chevening is actually an act of payback for the kindness and help that you will be receiving from the other alumna should you become a scholar as well. So, you can see why your current essay just won't work in the frame and pattern that the essay prompt requires.

Try your best to develop a more relevant response to the prompt. I have provided you with some ideas as to how you can approach this essay. I hope it helps you. Don't forget to refer to the other successful networking essay examples at this website as well. I look forward to reading your updated version when you are ready to have it read.

Scholarship / Applying on Chevening; "Do not wait on a leader...look in the mirror, it's you!" - Katherine Miracle [6]

Mawra, your story about leading your team to victory and inspiring your new teammates to believe in themselves are exactly the kind of stories that can help propel your application. It is quite an interesting story and really allows the reviewer to get to know your mindset as a leader and inspirational figure in a team. Good work on that part. However, the story about your work at the university removes the impressive work that the basketball story creates. My suggestion is to end that part of your leadership and inspirational side with the victory at the basketball game.

From that point, you should present another leadership and inspiration story based on your professional life. I am recommending that you try to portray your leadership and influencing role on the training floor. Explain how you inspire of serve as inspiration to other women in your country where women are not really allowed to rise to important positions in companies like yours. I hope you consider expanding that paragraph for the benefit of your application.

Scholarship / Being able to collaborate effectively with the development of Sudan and the world. Chevening UK [5]

I understand that but as per Chevening regulations, you are supposed to present 3 masters degree course choices. That is regardless of whether you already have acceptance to your university of choice or not. Hey, I don't make the rules, I just remind you to follow them, that is if you wish to. I strongly urge you to complete the 3 choice requirement as specified in the instructions you were given. Just show them that you can understand and are willing to follow the rules as they set it out. Congratulations on your acceptance to the 2 courses. I know you will do well in either course. However, if you want to hedge your bets in terms of winning the scholarship, you will add a 3rd course as required by the prompt. Just a suggestion...

Undergraduate / Life lessons tend to stick with you forever when they come from the realization of your mistakes [3]

Akash, I really love the way you presented the lesson you learned from your failure to perform well the first time you took the SAT's. It sounds like a lesson that any teenager would have experienced due precisely to the reasons you stated. Your essay really drove the point home about listening to our elders and making sure that you have properly prepared for an exam. I would have liked to have heard more words of wisdom and encouragement from your dad after your failure though. I am sure that you felt quite bad after you failed and he did what he could to cheer you up. It would be nice to see that he supported you through the failure and encouraged you to keep trying. Reminding you that there were lessons to be learned from your mistakes and you realizing that he was right. Somehow, the epiphany that you are presenting in the essay would have more of an impact if you were helped along this road to self discovery and enlightenment. Perhaps adding a sentence or two about your dad not blaming you for your failure and saying that you should have listened to him, the "I told you so" moment, would help bring a more intimate and personal feel to the lessons you learned from your mistake.

Scholarship / Being able to collaborate effectively with the development of Sudan and the world. Chevening UK [5]

Moaz, are you sure you want to put all your eggs in one basket by applying to only one university for 3 different courses? I mean, it seems like such a huge risk to take should the university not consider you for any of the courses you are asking to be considered for admission to. Personally, I would feel better if you spread out your course choices among 3 universities just in case your application at one university falls through. While the 3 university choice is not a requirement from Chevening, most of the students spread out their applications so that they will have a safety net in case they do not meet the standards of their first choice university. This is just my opinion of course. You can keep the 3 courses one university discussion if you wish to. I just feel that you have a better chance of admission if you spread out your university and course choices at this point.

Letters / It has been awhile since the last time we met, how are you there? Letter to M. Sigit Varendra [3]

Moh, your letter is riddled with problems. The biggest problem of which is that you do not have the ability to form a coherent simple sentence in English. Then, you also have spelling problems aside from the lack of rudimentary English grammar. I suggest that you type your practice letters using a word document with the fonts set to either US or OK English, depending upon which English style you use at school. Pay attention to the red lines that show up as you type. Those are markers for wrong spelling. Use the Spellcheck feature to correct the spelling and do your best to remember the correct word spelling. Now, remember, the letter I is always capitalized when referring to oneself. Therefore the word is I am and not Iam or iam. Those are 2 separate words. I have already corrected some similar letters in this forum, I suggest you look those corrected examples up for your reference.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship; how you meet this requirement, using clear examples of your networking skills [2]

Bevis, as i warned one of the applicants here before, if you can't approach the well known people that you mentioned in the essay, if there is even a remote chance that it was merely an acquaintance meeting and not a network meeting, then do not mention them. If you do not have regular and direct contact with the speakers from the Assembly and Mrs. Bush, or even the ambassador for that matter, do not mention their names. the networking essay is not about name dropping. It is all about proving that you know how to build a network and use it to your advantage. Your essay truly proves this ability of yours even without the notable names indicated. It will be in your best interest to just remove the names from your essay and just concentrate on allowing your networking skills to stand on its own merit. As for the last portion, while you mention how you plan to use Chevening to your networking advantage, you are also expected to mention how Chevening can use you and your network in the future. Either as a mentor to other scholars or as a person who can assist the scholars in their career pursuits. The final paragraph should be all about giving back to the people who helped you get to where you are.