Undergraduate / 'My father's Lebanon stories' - UC ESSAY #1 [3]

He was always so excited to tell my brother and I about how great the people are there and how one day he hoped that we could feel the way he did about such a place.

Here is another way you could say this: "He always wanted us to experience the same things that he did, such as the wonderful community that he came from."

He told me about how he grew up in a world where he never wanted to leave.butHowever, he was always worried that the occasional fighting g oing on outside his hometown w ould cause him and his family to look for a new home.

With the airport bombed, we were unsure by which route.
This sentence leads to no point, maybe say how there was additional confusion on how to escape, due to the airport being bombed, and say how you were able to get away.

I questioned being inthe reasons for attending Sunday school, learning Arabic and singing cultural hymns, which I thought were pointless for life in America.

Undergraduate / 'Expanding socially after high-school' - Common app "A part of a whole" essay [2]

Continuing my education has always been important to me in the hopes of intellectually expanding my knowledge in the computer science field.

I am currently attending the Community College of Vermont, which has provided me with flexiblemultiple opportunities infor choosing anfinding my area of study.

Not only do I strive to find the right career path that interests me, but also findingI am searching for one that is guaranteed a job post graduation.

The University of Vermont would benefit my academic achievements because of the multicultural student body, financial stability, and student life.by giving me the education and skills that I need for my future career.

The livelihood and positive energy thatwas heartwarming for me, as each student had while sharing their various cultural experiences over a community made dinner.was heartwarming for me.

Undergraduate / 'Shaking hands' - CommonApp Experience- Is it too ambiguous? [2]

Hello :) I like the imagery you have presented with this paper, but I am not sure if it is right for a college app. I think if you adjusted some things, you could adapt into a more suitable essay. I think the central part of your essay is where it becomes confusing. Although you have written with amazing literary skill, i think I lost the point of your essay. Over the years, you experienced so much, and you are trying to convey that, as you sit and wait for your presentation. I think the way you wrote about those years is not quite linear, but I sort of understand that you are describing the process of growing up, and learning self confidence. I think that you should just make this experience a bit more clear to the reader, so that he/she will know that you grew so much over the years. Nice work so far. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'the planetarium shows' - intended major UC Transfer Personal [3]

Hi :) Essay #1 sounds great, I think you did a nice job writing that. I chose a couple of sentences that I think you could re-word to make them sound better.

I immediately realized that believing my goals, which is to one day become a researcher, to be intangible, parallels the elusive nature of dark matter.

Much like how the physicist who discovered dark matter could not perceive his discovery, I could not see my future in physics after my senior year in high school, yet Fritz Zwicky still continued to pursue his endeavor, and so will I.

Essay #2 Once again, very nice work, it sounds great to me.
I chose some things that could use re-wording:

Valuable traits I forged valuable traits from my experience as a paid member of a ballet company.areI learned how to work hard work and toleratefor my own mistakes.

Beginning aOne week prior to my fourteenth birthday,

I studied and criticized every last inch of my body, while the words fat, ugly, and worthless echoed in my head.

Undergraduate / Too much Diversity to describe in 500 words- CU boulder essay [3]

I really enjoyed reading your essay, it is impressive. I think your story is very interesting and it is perfect for the college app prompt. I just found a few words that should be changed. Otherwise, your essay is just fine. Good luck in school, I think the school would be lucky to have you as a student :)

...learned and interacted with people with rather diverse backgrounds.

I have learned to appreciate the diversity of people...

It taught me how to be adaptable and become a more diverse person...

Writing Feedback / PHOTOGRAPHY ESSAY, it would take too much time to build a time machine. [5]

Living in the beautiful duty of Asheville, North Carolina, every time I left the door of my home was a chance to capture the most amazing scenery, crazy Asheville culture, and on the winter days snowed in take in the beauty of household objects.

Maybe this would sound more clear: Every time I walk out the door of my Asheville, North Carolina home, I have the best photo opportunities. I am able to capture the hectic scenery, the city's culture, snowy winter days.

Someone once told me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and finding through the lens is my path in life.
Maybe the ending of this sentence would sound better like this: "...and I find that beauty through the camera lens."

...and it can unveil both the ugly and the beautiful aspects of life.

Photographs writetell the most interesting stories without saying a single word, and yet they can have a million different meanings to every individual.

Using elements like lighting you can bring a person back to a certain feeling they had at a moment and bring them forward by presenting them something they've never seen before, as a photographer I strive to find beauty in the things we take for granted and capture the moments we never want to forget in our own personal time machines.

This sentence has some good thoughts, but it is too long. I think you should shorten it or split it up into 2 sentences.

Undergraduate / 'life of grandfather in rural South Korea' - UT prompt 1 [2]

No doubt that reaching the college level is an outstanding achievement, especially when high school is the first American experience that is exposed; my uncle was the first one in our family to reach this level and is the only one so far to successfully finish.

This sentence is a bit long, maybe you should find a way to shorten it, or make it 2 sentences, let me suggest a way to do that:

"Earning a college education is an outstanding achievement. For a non-American who immigrated during high school, my uncle was the first in my family to succeed at gaining a college degree."

So,From an early onage, he established his role and took responsibility.

Proceeding from then, he has chosen his preferred line of work and lives a happy life.
Maybe say it like this: "After college, he proceeded to choose a career and live a happy life."

Ever since middle school, he has mentored me and has facilitated my growth.encouraged me to grow.

He usually takes time out of his busy job schedule to take my cousin and meI out for lunch, just to check on how our progress in school has been and what thought for our own futures.our plans for the future.

Undergraduate / 'Poor people and the latest government action' - Common App Short Answer First Go [3]

Hi :) I really like your essay, it it a good topic to write about, and that job experience will help shape your image for your college app. So, I think there are no problems until the end of the essay. I don't know if you have a word limit, but the ending kind of leaves you wondering what happened to those poor people. I think I can help you wrap it up in a short way, in case your word limit only allows a short space. You wrote:

"This was an eye-opening experience for me because, coming from a town with very little issues with poverty, I had never understood the emotional impact of these things. I was given first-hand experience with the fabled "poor people" that the newscasters always talk about."

Maybe say it like this: "I was raised in a town with very few poverty issues, and the helpless callers opened my eyes to the problems of my community. By simply answering the phone, I became a lifeline for people that truly needed a helping hand."

Undergraduate / 'growing up in a single parent household' - Critique UT Essay C [4]

Hi, I just read your essay and I think it is great. I love the topic, and you wrote it with great purpose and intelligence. You make many good points, and you show yourself to be a mature individual. I think this is a good essay to send in, because it shows your personality and gives more detail about your background. It shows that you have lived a life that is real, and you have already learned a great lesson. I think you did very well with this essay. There is one part that I think you should adjust:

Although, most of my friends had both parents at home, living in San Antonio, Texas with close to five hundred thousand households that have only one parent present, single parent households are not far fetched.

This sentence is kinda long and a bit distracting. Otherwise, great job! Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / UC PROMPT #2, TEACHING LEADERS / C.O.V.E program [2]

Hi :) Your essay is excellent, nice job. I can tell you are a very intelligent individual and you must be a fantastic student. I have a few suggestions for your essay:

I knew what lie behind those glass doors; without hesitation, I threw the doors open and strode inside.
This part sounds a little awkward. Maybe say this: "Without hesitation, I threw open the glass doors, knowing exactly what I was about to face."

At the recommendation of my principal, who had noted our grades and extracurricular involvement, he offered me and six additional juniors the chance to become role models and tutor eighth graders in the best ways to reach college.

I think this sentence is a little too long, you should either shorten it, or turn it into two sentences.

My f irst impression of themindicatedwas that many of them would have rather spent their summers elsewhere.

No longer were they the inexperienced eighth graders that I had first been assigned to teach. ..

Undergraduate / 'Surgery on me helped me reinvent myself' - Prompt #2 of Personal Statement [4]

I think you have written a wonderful essay, I really like it. Let me offer a few suggestions on your wording.

I broke my elbow while horse playing in the gym, and immediately had to go into surgery.

I had never gottenexperienced a surgery before, so the thought of it had mewas frightening.
The memory is still vague to me but fragments of the surgery are constantly played in my mind.
You could say: "To this day, I have vague memories of the surgery that sometimes cross my mind."

And this is exactly what has inspired me to pursue a career in sports medicine.
I think you need a better transition into this statement. Something like: "My experience in the hospital made me realize that medical professionals have a great impact on people's lives."

Undergraduate / 'passion for journalism' - Common App Short Answer [5]

Hi :) I can try to help you. I think that the question you ask in the first paragraph is a bit confusing and unnecessary. (For example, who knew there were students who strongly did not think that the school, one of the top public high schools in the nation, doesn't handle bullying well?)

Maybe you should quickly explain what your journalism goals are, why it is so interesting to you, why is it so rewarding, and how did these journalism skills help you in school.

I have been one since grade school; since then, I've learned many things about topics that has never really been discussed. The marvel of journalism, for me, is that you think you do, but you really don't, know everything.

Here is another way that you could say this: "Since grade school, I have been a journalist who is always searching for the answers. I love learning about new topics and discussing them with others. The marvel of journalism is asking questions, and realizing that the answers may lead to even more questions."

I have been timid then, afraid that I might ask the wrong questions or stutter during interviews, apprehensive that students might be bored at what I write.

I'm not sure if this is the best thing to say, keep it positive, and shine the best light on yourself. Also, be sure that your grammar and writing is at its absolute best. Show them how a great journalist can write :) Great job so far. Good luck in school.

Undergraduate / 'Homelessness, a social problem' - Issues in community essay [9]

A community issue- maybe you could choose something environmental, such as littering, or recycling. Or, you could write about violence, teen pregnancy, hunger, homelessness. Once you choose the issue, explain its importance, and how it impacts the community. Then, you could explain some ways that the problem is being addressed. Then, you could write about any additional ideas you may have that are solutions or remedies to this issue. Explain how this issue will impact your community in the future, and how there is hope to stop the suffering. Good luck, if you have anything written, post it and I can edit it for you :)

Undergraduate / 'Math league' - CommonAppEssay [3]

As I entered,I saw the bright, illuminated room of Kumon.It was a work place dedicated forto the learning of math and reading, and suddenly, I realized I was in unknown territory. I had never metwitnessed a place with such studious children who were working with the goal oftoward advanced learning that was beyond school standards.

I wasE ventually, I was able to do well in Kumon for the first two years, but when I entered my third year of Kumon, I had realized I was lost.became confused with the lessons.

He taught me thata new viewpoint on math, that it is more about looking out for patterns and looking for alternate routes to answer questions.

...checking on my progress and making sure I was getting tough math problems correct. xxxx helped me countless times over the years and with his help I was able to keep learning and stay ahead of my school standards.

Research Papers / SOS (research on the absolut politic globalization) [3]

Hello :) I can make some suggestions for your paper.

Maybe say it like this: "Many people believe that a third world war is inevitable, and political globalization could prevent that. A third world war could cause massive destruction, and possibly the extinction of every living organism on earth. To ensure permanent peace, humankind must embrace this ideology. It is a bold and drastic change, but it will help ensure a decent future for the next generation."

Undergraduate / 'my first pair of glasses' - Common app essay: Topic of your choice [4]

Hi :) Your essay is great! I love how unique and interesting it is. I have a few suggestions on word changes that you may want to make.

Sometimes, I took my glasses off,toand then quickly put them back on andso that I could watch the world transform.

The realization that the world was different than what I was accustomed to left me feeling somewhere between betrayed and fascinated.

It must have beenAt that moment,and that realizationI gained a new perspective, which allowed me to consider the world with the careful observation and thought I use now.

In thinking aboutRegarding my particularunique experience, I've become intrigued by a similar situation involving disproportions between perspectives, the differences in color perception between species.

Undergraduate / 'My sister and graduation' - Topic A [2]

How can people make it through life without a sister? Because I sure can't, not even a day.
You may want to change this beginning. Say something about how a sister can be just as close as a best friend, or something like that.

She is a year and eight months older than me, so we are growinggrew up at the same pace,but I was the annoying little sister and she was the quiet one. (I changed the wording to keep the sentence in a consistent past tense)

As we grew up she became my best friend, because she was the only one that really knew what I was going through because we share a same life.

Another way that you could say this: "Since the two of us were the only ones that really understood our family, she became my closest friend."

Years passed, and Graduation day came to my sister's doorstep .

I understand the circumstances that we are in, but I really wish that she had the opportunity tocouldkeep upcontinue with her education.

Undergraduate / 'The Chinese and American way of life' - Essays for common app [4]

Hi :) Your essay sounds great to me :) I picked out a few minor things that you may want to change.

Therefore,T hree years ago, I came to America alone, in search of a better education, a new cultural experience, and of course, my version of the "American dream".

And leaving my family for the first time, I had a new understanding of traveling: it's not always exciting.
This sentence is confusing. I am not sure what you mean.

All my traveling experiences have taught me that there is a lot more going on in the world than just my little "bubble".
Maybe you could say it like this: "The experience that I gained while traveling has taught me that the world is so much greater than my small "bubble."

Volunteer work not only fulfilled my heart, but also made me realize that I am capable of making changes in society, even if the change is very small.

Undergraduate / The Truth of Ourselves-Apply Texas Essay Prompt B [3]

Hi :) Your essay sounds pretty good. I have a few suggestions. You have been asked by the prompt to select an issue of importance to you. But, to me, it seems you have brought up two issues- one is technology, and the other is adolescent self-esteem. Choose one or the other, because clashing the two together makes the essay a bit awkward. Try not to ramble, keep your thoughts organized, and give several good, solid reasons to support your stance on this issue of importance. I would choose the topic of technology taking youth away from more traditional communication. That topic has a lot of things that you could discuss. Good luck in school :)

Essays / Unlike other professions scientists accept that they don't know.... Discuss?? [2]

Unlike other professions scientists accept that they don't know... Discuss??

Right. This is a correct statement. The purpose if a scientist is to study things, find answers, create questions and theories. So, a scientist must find a problem or question to solve. They will probably ask a question that they don't know the answer to, and the answer that they find may lead to more questions. Scientists often create a hypothesis when they do an experiment, meaning that it is "an educated guess" (they don't know) The purpose of the experiment is to validate the hypothesis. Through research, scientists may create a "theory" which is an assumption based on many scientific facts, but a theory cannot technically be proven. (they don't know) So, a proper scientist must accept that there are many many things that they don't know and that is why they will always have a job ;)

Writing Feedback / 'working for the childrens right' - Children engaged in paid work essay [5]

I think i am from the one of people who dont agree with this statement.
You can't begin with this, you need to say WHICH side of the either/or statement you are choosing to argue, In your case, begin with:

"Some people believe that children should begin working when they are young, but I disagree with this point of view."

Be sure to give solid reasons to support your argument.

There are some parents who are financially bad so when their childrens grow up they engaged them in some kind of work to support their families like they place their childrens on the car workshop, on the roads to sell different things etc. So it is a great responsibility of parents to educate their childs first. This can only be done when their is a support for the poor parents from the government.

I think you mean to say:
"In order to meet a family's basic needs, a child may be forced to earn money at a young age. In many countries, child labor is very common. This is different from a child learning as an apprentice, being taught a trade like auto mechanics or sales. Parents must take responsibility for their children's future, by ensuring their proper education. If there is no funding or financial support in their country, the family could be assisted by a rich country's donations."

Undergraduate / The next Nancy Grace - UC Transfer Prompt #1 [2]

Hi :) I really like the way you wrote your essay, it definitely shows personality and you have your own unique way of writing- a good thing for sure! The only thing that stands out to me as needing editing is the section about your legal troubles. I can see why you are mentioning it, because this is answering part of the prompt question, but... I just don't know if this qualifies as experience "in the field" (but maybe this is what sparked your interest I suppose) Also, the little story about your legal difficulties is vague and wordy (I can tell that you spent a lot of time writing that part) It is good to mention this trouble you had, but... is there anything else you can say to make this more clear to the reader? It is a minor problem in an otherwise perfect essay, I think you did a great job with this paper. good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'learned from my research' - LMU My Supplement essay. [2]

I think that you should give more examples that are unique to you, in order to best answer the question.
Explain what interests you have the align with campus activities and programs.
"Sense of community" is a little cliche. You could mention how you look forward to joining clubs associated with your major.
Say how the major you want is ideally taught at the university.
Mention your future goals (short term and long term)
Say how this college will help you attain the skills you need to advance in the career of your choice.
If this college is located in a city, mention how many opportunities for networking and jobs there are in the city.
Do a spelling check.

If you come up with a new draft you can post it in this thread, and I will read it for you, I hope this helps you :) Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / 'technology does not kill the tradition' [8]

yes i agree with this statement thatWealthy countries should help theunderdeveloped countries in the fields of health, education and trade. Currently, these fields play an essential role that no one can survive without thesein the preservation of society .

Health is the major factor in poor countries which need to be considered for example the health factor in south africa is so much worse that they cannot overcome this without the help of richer countries.

You may want to say: "Without the help of richer countries, poor countries such as South Africa would be unable to help sick people."

The most epidemic disease in that country is theAIDs,in this country which can be prevented if the richer countries could provide the medicine, nurses and doctorsto care for people.free and every other amenities without any incentives.

Trade also plays an important role in theeconomic development of every country. The countries which are not good in this fieldwith bad economies must be supported by richer countries.

Undergraduate / 'Heaven knows where I should stand' - important person common app main essay [5]

Great Job!! I picked out a few sentences that you may want to change and I wrote underneath them, just ideas on how to make it sound better.

My expectation was quickly proven wrong by the time of my junior year.
During my junior year, the expectations I had were lost.

My grades did not meet my standards, the relationship with my parents was getting worse as a result, and personal disappointments brought me down.
Personally, my grades did not meet my high standards, and my parents were disappointed with me.

Every passing period was filled with worries, and every lunch period was torture.
This statement is a little extreme, can you tone it down?

Her capability to know a wide range of words and phrases surprised me.
I was surprised by her vast knowledge of words and phrases.

Moving to the states was a life changing opportunity that wasn't offered to many people, and I only blamed my decision instead of trying to make it worthwhile in the end.

I realized that moving to the US gave me the opportunity to change my life, and many people never get that chance.

Undergraduate / "My Other Half" Personal Statement on cultural identity [2]

Hi :) This essay is fantastic, you write very well. I cannot find any errors or problems with this paper. Nice job with being descriptive, and explaining your feelings and experiences. This also shows the aspect of your family being important to you, and it shows you to be adaptable and mature. Your intelligence really shines through. I think any college would be lucky to have you as a student. I think your essay is ready to add to your application, no editing is necessary. Good Luck in school!

Writing Feedback / 'technology does not kill the tradition' [8]

Yes, I think you did a good job, but it could be better. I hope the grammar suggestions help. You write in a "wordy" manner which means extended sentences with lots of ideas and word packed in. Try to write more simply, clear concise and straightforward. I would suggest that you give 3 examples to support your argument that technology does not make traditions die out. You explain Christmas and baseball, choose one more thing that people will continue to do no matter how technology changes. I thought that cooking would be a good example, because many people keep the traditional meals from generation to generation without the need of technology. Nice work so far, if you revise this, feel free to post it in this thread and I will edit it for you :)

Undergraduate / James A. Michener quote - The introduction of Texas A&M university in Qatar's essay [2]

Hi :) You are off to a great start. I will give you a suggestion- present yourself in the best light which means: let the admissions officials know that you are a person with a plan. Explain what skills and qualities you possess, what your intended major is and how you became interested in this subject, say how college will help you gain the skills to begin a career in the field you major in, then, explain your short term and long term goals, and then tell them how college will be a stepping stone on the path to your career goals. You are a person with a plan. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / UC Promt #1- freshman applicants "My Dream of the Future" [3]

Hi :) I really like your essay, it is a nice way to introduce your love of anatomy. I like the story of finding the bird, although I think you need to shorten that part a bit. you must find a way to properly answer the prompt question. You need to describe your environment so if you are speaking of growing up, start out by describe how your parents were to you, how your family influenced you, how you were very curious and examined that bird, and then how your family encouraged you by giving you books and information, and how your family supported your interests by signing you up for activities related to the subject, explain how your family helped you gain the skills and qualities that you currently possess. I hope these ideas help you ;) Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / What is your opinion about condemnation? (very short essay) [2]

Personally speaking, condemnation doesn't make any accomplishment.
From my point of view, condemnation does not accomplish anything.

For all of us, it is easy to blame anybody.
By placing blame, a person does nothing to solve the problem at hand.

However, it can't bring us anything from simply keeping reproaching one if you don't tell him/her the right track.
To simply reproach somebody does not teach them the solution or remedy for their wrongdoing.

To amend means to carry out something, but to reproach achieves just nothing.
An amendment is a change for the better, as opposed to reproach, which does not lead to progress.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplemental Essay - On Media and Social Impressions [2]

This is a very interesting topic. On the subject of pop culture, you have chosen a very broad spectrum of people, media, music, tv, literature, products, etc etc. So, I assume you are trying to relate all of pop culture to society as a whole. I think that pop culture is a mixture of two things 1) It is what manufacturers are trying to sell to us, to influence us to act/be/think a certain way, and to purchase items that celebrities endorse. 2) It is a reflection of our society, and class system, of which every type of group and person is somewhere/somehow represented in the media- through film, music, TV, books, talk shows, reality shows, etc. Therefore, you can draw some conclusions about our society just by observing and following celebrity behavior. There are some things you say in this essay that go "off track" and I think you could stay on the topic if you avoid these statements) Paying attention now can certainly be a way to forecast such predictions, whether or not the choices of movie or musician will actually be iconic is up to time, and what it says about the generation from which it comes. and It is important to know this in relation to popular culture and media because such stereotypes can further continue the harassment of minorities, and knowing the roots of such causes can be used to subvert these actions and create a better society wherein such disparities in media representation become weaker as awareness spreads throughout the general population. Try to not ramble, be clear and concise, and be specific. I think you are speaking in to broad of a sense, maybe you should use some small examples of how hollywood relates to the real people.

Good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'Earth Service Corps' - Common App ~ Activity Essay [2]

I got involved in the composting program in my high school during my sophomore year when I discovered that a significant amount of compostable food and paper waste was ending up in the garbage.

You could say it like this: "In 10th grade, I became involved in a composting program. I had witnessed a significant amount of compostable food and paper waste being thrown into the garbage."

The thought of all that material - which could be put to good use as fertilizer - being left to rot without purpose in a landfill irked me.

Maybe say it like this: "I was saddened by the thought of those materials rotting in the landfill, instead of being put to good use as fertilizer."

I decided to do something about it, taking time out of my lunch break to collect uneaten food and paper waste from students who had finished their lunches and to pull compost from garbage bins.

Or say it like this, "I became motivated to spend a few minutes during lunchtime to collect uneaten food and paper waste from students who had finished their lunches and to pull compost from garbage bins."

Since then, I have come to do somade this a routine during most of my lunches.

Writing Feedback / Friendship and financial matters essay - money can harm relationship? [4]

Hi :) Your essay needs some work. I have a few suggestions. I think that you need some better reasons for your argument. It seems that you are explaining why money is bad for friendship. Your essay needs to be well organized. I would first briefly explain why friendship is so important, and how it can be difficult for one friend to have less money than the other. Sometimes, the friend with a lot of money will pay more for outings and activities, food, events, etc. Whether this is bad depends on the dynamics of the friendship. Sometimes, a friend is being very generous and they don't mind spending money. Other times, resentment may develop. One solution is: only loan money to a close friend that you truly trust. Do not lend money if it causes you to become late on your bills or unable to pay for your own goods. Also, if it is a very good friend, lend money only if you can afford for the friend not to pay it back, because it is possible that the friend may never have the extra money to pay it back. If you don't expect it back, then it is more like a gift, and the friendship will not be negatively affected.

I hope this helps! Good luck in school!!

Writing Feedback / Advantages of learning English [3]

For a long time, English ishas been considered as a foreign language in Vietnam.

Some students say itthat learning English is not necessary,to learn English,while others say theythat learning English helps a personto get a good record. But itthat is not the most positive aspect of learning English.

Firstly, you can be friend with many people worldwide.
You mean to say: "The main benefit of speaking English is that you can communicate with many people worldwide.

Especially, you can download documents using for your major. Finally, English give you many chance to have a good job.
Maybe say it like this: "When in school, knowing English is helpful when doing research for your major. A person who speaks English may have a better chance of finding a job."

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 [3]

Hi :) Your essay is well done, and I like the topic. I think you should write a bit less about your parents and neighborhood (although they are worth mentioning) and more on this topic:

My area of comfort resided in the virtual world of computer gaming. I felt free in the gaming world, whereas in reality I was chained down. You could say that I was caught in the spider's web. The more I gamed, the less I paid attention to the real world. Even though my parents could hardly support my gaming addiction, I refused to budge and relentlessly bothered them for more and more money to upgrade my rig. I gamed religiously for a year and a half until my parents decided to lay down their will.

I think that it will be more eye-catching to the officials to speak of your love of computers. Definitely elaborate on your gaming experience, you can put a posititive spin on it, saying that you did actually learn some skills through gaming, and it helped you keep away from the bad neighborhood's influence. Good job on this :)

Undergraduate / 'an individual, or man, and a state' - Application EC short answer [2]

Here are some ideas for changing your wording a bit, nice work on this though, you have many good ideas :)

As the club president, my job is to arrangecoordinate the activities that the club would have each week. Apart from teaching speech techniques and organizing debates, I sometimes talk aboutintroduce topics that I believedare worthy tofor discussion .

These topics all belong to one subject: philosophy.
When grouped together, these topics are typically covered by the subject of philosophy.

Sometimes they told me philosophy was useless. I said: "Ok, let's compare philosophy with science ..."
maybe say something like this: "As a method of studying life, it is clear that philosophy is just as important as any subject, even science."

Writing Feedback / Do the Right Thing Violence Paper [3]

Hi :) Nice work on your essay. I can make a few suggestions.

Boys would ask me was I supposed to be a man because I had a mustache. I would just ignore them and walk away acting like I didn't care, but deep down inside I was crying a waterfall of tears. It got so bad that I would just wear my jacket every day to cover my arms so they wouldn't see the, I thought if they couldn't see my arms they couldn't call me "hairy arms". I wore my jacket every day to lunch after that, even if I was burning up, I just didn't want to be called hairy arms.

You only give one example of how violence affected your life. In order to get the best grade on this project, I think you should give 2-3 examples when you write this.

People are so exposed to violence rather easily today, you just have to turn on the TV to see a violent gun scene in a movie, or buy a fighting game to play on the game system all day.

Maybe say it like this: "In recent decades, violence is easily seen on TV,, in movies, and even in the video games that some people enjoy playing."

Being exposed to so much violence could cause violence too.
Elaborate on this fact, many people see violence in real life, in their families or by being abused.

Research Papers / Peer Review on Media Affects Adolescents Today [2]

Hi :) I agree with the things you say at the bottom, definitely work on those things. It is a very broad topic (there re so many types of media- google the word media) that you have to write on, so be sure to stick to the points you are making, and don't get "off topic" I think you have your paragraphs organized well, and you have good follow through in most paragraphs. your writing style is a bit wordy,and there are some grammatical errors. Don't start your paper with questions, instead create a solid intro where your say exactly what is the purpose of your paper. Imagine that you are writing an article for a newspaper, and put yourself in the position of the reader. There are a few things that you say that either don't quite make sense, or do not truly support the argument they refer to:

here are a few of those things, you may want to change them or omit these:

Relating violence to television and video games there can be a reflection because if kids are visually seeing violence through the media they may think it's normal and that it can be their behavior also, which affects their thinking at the same time.

This is for the society today that directly or indirectly faces adolescents.

Or even in movies there are sex scenes to where these young kids see it and will be think it's normal to have these types of relations and doesn't matter if it's a spouse or just someone you met that day.

Undergraduate / "All they wanted was a better life for you" ; The Dream, the Seed, and the Fruits. [7]

Hi :) I think your essay is written very well. I can't find any mistakes. You seem very mature and intelligent, based on your writing skills and ability to describe the situation with your parents. Good job explaining your little story, showing some of your personality. I will recommend to re-read the final few sentences, you may want to re-phrase those a bit, they are a little choppy sounding. You have a nice solid essay, you will do well in school. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / What unique characteristics fit for college? ( famu)..250 words! [3]

Hi :) Your essay still needs some work. I think that it is a bit hard to read. It sounds like you have a lot of great ideas, but you are having trouble organizing them. Instead of rambling, try to write in a clear and concise manner. Here is an example of a sentence that needs to be re-phrased:

At one point of life we all seem familiar by our actions which makes us common but really were each blessed with individual talents and unique characteristics which makes us completely different among each other.

You may want to say it more clearly, simply: "What makes us all alike is our human nature. What sets us apart from each other is our individual talents and unique characteristics."

However, with all the qualities we possess, at one point of time if we cannot bring them to the contribution to others or societies they all become in vain.

I think you should omit this sentence. Use the space you've got to explain what qualities you have, because your word limit is so small. I suggest that you solidly list off all of the great characteristics that are unique to you (after the first 2 sentences) The qualities that will help you in college are what the officials want to hear. Skills like leadership, discipline, hard work... etc. I love the way you explain your positive attitude, elaborate on that. Nice work so far, good luck in school :)