Undergraduate / My interests and passions do not always come to me naturally; Colorado Boulder's Flagship 2030 essay [2]

I can help you with your essay. First, I would like to suggest a correction to this sentence. Notice the changes in bold:

"Not only do I plan on furthering my passions at CU Boulder university, I also plan on joining some of the various student organizations in order to discover new interests and meet other people from diverse backgrounds within them ."

Please check the abbreviation for this university, because you use a variety of abbreviations for the name that can be confusing. I did research and CU Boulder could work throughout the essay. You can look it up too, but I want to make sure you are consistent.

Change part of this sentence: "..I am considered to be of Dutch, French, Swiss, and South African heritage." I'm not sure if you know if you are French or Swiss but I separated the two because you used "or".

I'm not sure about the last sentence in this paragraph. If you are referring to how you plan to help other you could start the sentence with: "My knowledge of french resources for educational and new cultural horizons would be a great opportunity enable me to use my knowledge of the French language to contribute to other students' progression of it."

The last paragraph is fantastic! The only slight error I see is in word choice. You should either choose the word balance or mixture.

Here is an example if you use the word variety (or mixture): "...find a variety of a mixture of academic, extracurricular and social activities in order to maximize my college experience."

I think one of the main subjects I think is missing is the program you are studying. What makes this program unique and why should you be apart of it. Ex: If I were studying elementary education at a university. I would focus on the uniqueness of the student teaching, some of the classes and placement rates into schools. The excellent faculty that have taught in a variety of educational settings, etc. These factors would help me to be a good elementary teacher. However, if this existed at any school I would avoid discussing this as the focus of my essay.

The three things to focus on are:
1) opportunities for academic excellence-This is probably your missing element. What do you seek academically and how can the university help you excel? I have given you an example to help you to focus on benefits academically.

2) leadership-You discuss this slightly when you discuss helping others with French and extracurricular activities. Do you think you will seek out other opportunities for leadership at this university?

3) deeper understanding of the world-You want to be included in the diverse program. You are open to a new environment. This was addressed well!

Writing Feedback / Consumers are faced with increasing numbers of advertisements from competing companies. A/D [3]

I can help you with your essay. I would like to help you with word choice and give you some suggestions.

1st paragraph: The first statement I would keep it simple. "Advertisements have increased daily." They can be seen on television programs and billboards." Instead of using Add to above you should use As a result. Use the word influenced in this sentence.

The last sentence I'm unsure how the situation should be handled with care. Please explain this to the reader. You could also change the word order: "Personally, I believe that this issue should be handled...by the government" I added this because you seem to focus on this in your conclusion of the essay.

2nd paragraph: Some words can be deleted: "The principal point is that as the technology develops, the way of advertising the product are changes than the ancient times products are advertised changes." Delete "an invention of " Add "the" before internet.

"...specially youngsters young people like to imitating trends of stars imitate the popular trends of those celebrities." The next sentence is good, but add "the'" before main.

You need a sentence that describes what happens when products are advertised in films and dramas because the next two sentences should probably be placed after the sentence where you describe how young people like to imitate the trends of stars.

3rd paragraph: I am not going to write the entire sentence but show you the errors. "First, the government plays an imperative...the promotion of a product" The next sentence should start with "The". I'm also unsure what this sentence means. Are the companies promoting products that do not have the quality nor effect that is being promoted? Change the word order in this sentence:

"Furthermore, celebrities should understand that people idolize them and they trust on what they are saying for any about a product." Change the word choice in the last sentence "companies who falsely advertise a product".

4th paragraph: Add "the" before government. I would suggest stating "be aware of or pay attention to false advertising." The end of the last sentence should be "they" instead of the. One or two more sentences in the conclusion could make a better conclusion.

I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Children are less creative than 10 years ago due to technology [4]

I can help you with your essay. I think there is an error with spelling throughout the essay. Change toes to toys.

Part of the second sentence in the essay should read: "...play, I used to pretend that pieces of rocks would be a new character and it helped me to improve my imagination."

3rd sentence: "..today children are playing more with technological games..."

4th sentence: Use a different transition word to begin your sentence: "In addition" and change the end of the sentence to "on social media".

2nd paragraph:
1st sentence: Change was to "were".
2nd sentence: Place a comma after cars
3rd sentence: There is a missing word and two sentences need to be formed: "For example, I remember when I was playing with my toys, I would open my imagination and invent some stories and new characters to then while I was playing. To clarify, I vividly remember searching for pieces of rocks in order to mount a new character which..."

4th sentence: I am going to suggest replacing nowadays with "today" throughout this essay because it is an informal use of today. This sentence would read: "Second, today social media has replaced traditional games".

The next few sentences in this paragraph seem to be another aspect of social media instead of children being less creative. In your discussion you focus on games. If you want to include it you could discuss how children are more interested in their social status on social media than traditional games. I would also emphasize on the beach participating in activities such as building a sand castle, looking for sea shells, etc.

3rd paragraph: "Therefore, we can draw the conclusion that traditional games such as table games, toys and cars can stimulate the imagination much more and make children more creative." "However, today children are preferring...meet people face to face"

Undergraduate / Blank is the new blank. What's in, what's out, and why is it being replaced? UChicago essay help [5]

I can assist you with your essay. First, I would like to address that I feel the first paragraph is another issue that is not addressed in the other paragraphs in your essay. It seems as if the lack of funding in the CPS system is the issue. Therefore, dark to light is not literal but more figurative. You discuss skin tone and then you discuss electricity. Those are two different dark to light representations.

Your writing is good, but I would like to suggest writing an introduction that discusses the disparities or problems that exist in the school system and how this can impact a child's future.The introduction should help the reader have a better understanding of the body of the essay and the conclusion.

As I was reading your essay, I thought that the second paragraph could make a good introduction. Although there are some revisions that can be made, it provides more fluidity than the first paragraph. (Ex: Delete "the" before public. Change goes into to "funded". "unable to make practical application of their knowledge.")

The second paragraph starts well but has a few issues. This could be a little more controversial but I would like to help with the meaning. I once went into a school in the Midwest and the classroom had low lighting and soft music. It was to produce a calming effect and make the children feel at home. It wasn't the typical classroom but this was a school that truly fostered a good environment for children to learn. I think this would be a better way to explain cost efficient energy in the classrooms.

The next paragraph you could think about low lighting because it could foster good relationships with students and teachers. It would feel like they were at home and it would be a balance between too light and dark classroom environments.

The fourth paragraph has an issue with a transition. Instead of using Still, obviously, you could replace this with "Nevertheless".

My final suggestion is if you decide to continue your discussion based upon only dark classrooms it would be good if you had a source to cite. It would be good for your discussion because the topic can be more controversial than offensive.

Undergraduate / "A cat. Several spitballs. A game." Seeking help for Carleton supplyment essay; Why Carleton [4]

Hello, I would like to give you a few suggestions. The opening of your essay seems to have incomplete sentences and is confusing. "A cat. Several spitballs. A game." There needs to be more information to give the reader the ability to understand why this is the story you are telling. It seems more fitting to begin your story by telling it.

Ex: To infuse vitality into my cat, called Creativity, which was getting rather old and tired and be left me completely exhausted during the writing process of my common essay,..."

As mentioned previously in the previous post, this sentence needs some mention of the gender of the cat. Ex: For Three times, ithe caught the same ball, numbered 115. I used he, but use the appropriate gender for your cat.

I think you should state that you stopped noticing your cat and started your research. Ex: Seeing him get better As Creativity improved his catching skills, I began to do researches about schools using..."

I would use the past tense for the next sentence. Notice the changes to this sentence: "As I recalled the number that was so attractive to Creativity, I turned to page 115."

The question should read: "Creativity why did you like this number?" Change these words "have myopia". The next sentence should be separate: "Then I was ready to turn the page".

I would state "...drive Creativity away..." Also, change this word: "three terms". Since you use three, term had to be plural.

Change the spelling to "meowed". Since you discuss Creativity in the end, you need a better transition to discuss the school. Did you think about the blue offer with a golden stamp after after Creativity meowed? If you did, here is a suggestion: Then I thought, "I hope for the blue offer with a golden stamp to Carleton College."

Essays / Landscapes; geographical concepts of Place and Scale. Need some Guideline on how to write this essay [7]

I did some research regarding the meaning of the terms. Scale refers to space, landscape to land, and then there is place. If you use Thailand, you are going to be discussing the places or spaces and how that relates to the future of that country. It says one theme, so I will assume that you have to select a theme.

For example if you choose public housing, you would focus on the place and spaces of public housing in Thailand. Then discuss how public housing fits into how you view the future of Thailand in terms of places and spaces. Ex: Let's assume you did research and learned that there were many building projects that are presently occurring in Thailand. Your conclusion maybe that the future of building and having enough space to build in Thailand is bright (critically evaluate on the future of a country). Since you selected public housing, you think that there should be enough space to build more public housing based on your knowledge of other building projects having space to build (How feasible is that vision for your selected theme). However, you feel that public housing and office buildings need to be built to help with job growth (Provide an alternative solution to the theme you have chosen)

It seems as if you should focus on the developments or what is occurring with place and spaces set aside for the theme you choose such as tourism, urban areas, art, heritage, the elderly, immigrants, etc.

I would suggest answering the questions in order:
I. Introduction which will include critically evaluating the future of Thailand
II. How feasible is that vision for your selected theme (i.e. public housing, tourism, etc).
III. Provide an alternative solution to the theme you have chosen
IV. Conclusion

I am going to suggest again that you determine if this will fulfill the guidelines by asking someone. If you write a rough draft someone can assist you. This isn't an easy assignment. I hope this helps you!

Essays / Landscapes; geographical concepts of Place and Scale. Need some Guideline on how to write this essay [7]

I would like to give you some suggestions before you begin this essay. I understand that you are interested in transportation. If you decide to use this, it would be too brief to include in tourism or economic landscapes.

Since the essay involves geography, I would think about the essay in terms of geography and the questions that are given. Here are some examples:

1) How are the landscapes in Thailand related to tourism? You could analyze each tourist attraction in terms of geography. Then discuss Thailand's future based upon these attractions. Is there an alternative solution to the problem?

2) How are the landscapes in Thailand impacting living conditions in public housing? Analyze the place and scale of public housing. How does this impact Thailand and its future? How do you think this future observations of public housing is analyzed correctly? What is an alternate or another future that could exist with public housing.

I tried to give you examples.There are so many questions you have to answer in writing this essay. If you need to speak with an instructor, I would suggest you ask questions about this assignment. You will feel more confident before you write knowing that your questions are answered. Also, you have to understand if you have to critically evaluate on the future of a country based only on geography. Ex: What if you decided to write: Tourism can have positive or negative effects on the economy because it builds revenue and the location of tourists attractions may have an impact on revenue. Would this answer be contrary to what is being asked?

Undergraduate / What makes us survive is not because the life never getting easier, yet we are getting stronger. [5]

There are still some errors but the meaning is becoming clearer. I will focus on the 4th paragraph but help you with other paragraphs.

3rd paragraph: "However, I had hoped to continue my education in earth science. Yet, I knew..." You can delete some words: "Consequently, I decided to leave ..." Change are to were in the next sentence. State "toy store" and "set aside two years of my payroll... money was still"

4th paragraph: "found my uncle's profile on Facebook". It is more common to say "the last time we saw one another". Next sentence you were close to the correct usage: "home hoping he would be generous enough to help me continue my education" .

The following sentence is incorrect: "income level and concern" Please correct "Then, he..." At the end of the sentence that discusses your mom's great hopes or dreams correct the end of the sentence , "since she never attended college". I would suggest saying, "because she knew she would never get to help."

The last paragraph has too many ideas with not enough information. If you end by stating that you have finally achieved you goal and studied engineering. "My life taught me the meaning of struggle. I believe what makes us survive isn't due to life getting easier, but that we're getting stronger."

Look at the first two paragraphs, there were a few corrections you may have missed. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / Fatherless Families: The Negative Effect on Children [3]

When you begin the 4th paragraph, you should describe why fathers are the most untouched resource. This statement can be confusing because it is not specific enough. I would describe the situation as children need their fathers throughout their life. Unfortunately, some fathers are not a source of guidance because they are not present in their child's life.

When you describe the nature of the relationship between a father and his child, analyze whether it coincides or relates to the facts that are presented in the paragraph. You have done good research on the topic.

5th paragraph: The first sentence change the word behavior to "behavioral".

6th paragraph: Taken is typed twice. Delete one of the words. The last sentence is a quote. Remember to give your explanation of the information so the quote is not at the end of the paragraph.

7th paragraph: You can shorten a sentence by describing that "...young girls receive attention from men outside of the home." Good ending to the paragraph!

8th paragraph: Delete "As" before Birgitta. To avoid too much information in one sentence, form two sentences at the end of the
paragraph . Delete "Although" and begin the sentence as:" This information..." The next sentence will read: "Their statistics..."

10th paragraph: Some of this paragraph may need to be deleted. The sentence that expresses how children struggle their whole lives in school because of their cognitive development, can be added to the previous paragraph. I am going to suggest that the last two sentences should begin the next paragraph.

When you discuss the girls again, you should place "Also" at the beginning of the paragraph to show you are continuing to discuss low self-esteem. The last sentence should begin with:" Having low self-esteem..."

To end the essay, you could be begin with "In conclusion, American society needs to put greater..." Delete "a" before higher.

Writing Feedback / Fatherless Families: The Negative Effect on Children [3]

As I was reading the instructions for your essay, I noticed that it stated that you can use quotes. You give credit to your source but I'm unsure if some are direct quotations because there are no quotation marks around some sentences. I would like to help you with run-on sentences and fragments since this will help make your essay better.

I think you should express in the third sentence that, " an ideal family dynamic for happiness and success in life".

The second paragraph has your opinion but it has many quotes. I would suggest possibly one or more sentence in your own words in which you analyze the data.

You are doing quite well thus far. I will help you with some more paragraphs later today.

Undergraduate / What makes us survive is not because the life never getting easier, yet we are getting stronger. [5]

I can help assist you with some of your essay. The first sentence is needs a better explanation. You were really close at explaining this well.

I think you should begin your essay discussing how you can recall your childhood memories. Then discuss where you once lived. Here is a suggestion:"...I grew up in Minangkabau,one of a few existing matrilineal societies in the world". The next sentence change the verbs to past tense: "As the youngest child, I was spoiled and attempted to differentiate myself by being a little bit rebellious". The next sentence needs to help you transition to the next paragraph. Ex: Yet, life suddenly changed for me at a early age.

2nd paragraph:" When I was in the 4th grade my mother passed away." Place a period after disease and start a new sentence. The verbs need to be in the past. I will give you the correct tense for those verbs: didn't have anything, gave up, earned money by becoming, happened, experience shocked, I was still mourning because of losing, showed, circumstances were he stood.

Undergraduate / 'To thine own self be untrue' - Common App Prompt #2 [3]

I can help you with your essay.

The first paragraph you mention "cliche fear". I would state" natural fear". It is natural to feel a fear or scared if you are in a location you are not familiar with.

The second paragraph sounds like a discussion rather than a written response. I think you should delete some words. Now, while the very notion may seem absurd, allow me to elaborate. Change the beginning of this sentence to: "For example, during elementary school..."

3rd paragraph: There are some missing words " "cool" boys in the class but that was to no avail." Change this sentence: "In the end, I became the class clown and this helped..."

4th paragraph: "...until the latter part of the eighth grade" There are some missing words in the next sentence, "During that time, I fell into a XXXXXX which occurred because of being declared..." (I chose to use XXXX to prevent rewriting text and because this is a medical issue). Change the end of this sentence "not my true friends".

Last paragraph: Separate "high school" because it is one word in the essay. Since you end the paragraph with you truly felt happy and you are continuing to feel this way, it is as if you are saying that your insecurities then are gone. In my opinion, I think this would conclude your essay. If you want to discuss any positive aspects of your life you can do so, but only in one or more sentences.

Undergraduate / Thoughts per day - my personal essay describes me and shows my uniqueness [3]

I can help assist you with some changes. I will focus on some grammar issues but I will consider your question regarding your essay.

1st paragraph: I think one word needs to be deleted in this sentence: "Though that mindset had brought me far in my life, one day I felt as if I had walked into a curb."

There is a slight error with the comma after fallen (delete the space). Add a few words before this sentence: "It was a minuscule pause..."

Another slight error exists, ensure that "surroundings" is in all lowercase letters.

2nd paragraph: Change the beginning of this sentence: "Since I am a person who spends around five hours..." I think you should change the sentence order of two sentences. First change drew my attention to "captured my attention". The next sentence will begin with: "While admiring the painter's talent,..." I am going to make a suggestion for the next sentence: "Possibly it was the relevance it had to my own personal life, or how the artists rendition showed appreciation for one of the most basic aspects of life."

3rd paragraph: Delete this word: "warmly less complicated." State: "no reason to complicate". I'm not sure about the ending of the paragraph, but here is a suggestion: "made me greatly perceive what aspects of life actually had to be analyzed".

4th paragraph: Change seem to "seemingly" and "how to live my life". "The world will always be full of sought after search for solutions.

If this is a personal statement regarding entrance into a university, I would find a way to incorporate one sentence to show you are ready for college.

Research Papers / 'Research paper topic' - Writing a process paragraph [3]

I am going to assume that the process you will be discussing is choosing a topic for your research.

I think the first sentence begins with additional words that can be deleted: "Choosing a topic for a research paper seems like an easy task, but sometimes it is complicated for the beginners."

The next sentence could use a transition word: "For example, there are a few steps to do involved in choosing a research topic."

The 3rd sentence you should delete "some" and end the sentence with the word project. Correct these parts of the the next sentence: "One must decide...is the topic new and unique, and if the topic fulfills the class requirement."

I'm unsure if you mean that one must do research for literature assignments. I think this should be explained.

Here is a suggestion for the next sentence: Next, picking an interesting topic can help one to write a loved helpfully produces a successful paper, because writing something with passion makes doing a research enjoyable.

You could combine the next two paragraphs: Then, Furthermore, the topic can be original by considering some unique and interesting things on your ideas about the topic.

I'm unsure about the the last sentence because the sentence is incomplete. Here is a suggestion: "If challenges arise, While facing challenges to do so, then getting advice from lecturers, supervisors, and friends will assists to obtain the can lead to great ideas.

Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? - scientific skills further development, legion of extracurricular activities [3]

I would like to help you with your essay. Personally, I think you should make your essay more personal in the beginning.

Ex: "I have chosen Georgia Tech because it is a diverse campus with international students." The word order needed to change to reflect that this is a personal decision you have made to attend the university.

I'm unsure about the statement. Here is a suggestion to correct it: "Furthermore, the innovative education system at Georgia Tech, which includes instructors who assist their students in solving real-world problems, will help enhance my creativity and problem solving ability."

The next sentence, you should change part of the sentence: "Although I am a member of a science community in my school, which often participates in various research competitions, ..."

I think the following sentence that discusses debating activities and diverse student bodies is confusing. There seems to be two different topics which include debating and diversity. If you are an enthusiast of extracurricular activities and would like to participate in the various volunteer opportunities offered to students to help local communities, this would give the reader a clear understanding.

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Are creativity and originality necessary for success? [3]

I would like to help you with your essay. There is a slight error in the beginning. I would also recommend being careful about your word choice. Instead of using at play to define circumstances, you could state: "Although there are many circumstances that determine success, ... "

There is an incredible statement at the beginning of the second paragraph. Well done! A slight error in this paragraph is not placing a comma after "Yet". Also, delete the comma after detailed. Great example!

There is a slight error in the third paragraph. It should read: "...Apple computer was not his technical skill..." I am going to suggest ending the paragraph with, "...introduced a modern design to technology that transformed the era. " I changed the ending to reflect that Steve Jobs made technology more modern. I hope this is what you were trying to convey.

The last paragraph I think you should change In conjunction to "Furthermore".

There are very few errors in this essay. I'm not sure what score it will receive but it was well written.

Writing Feedback / "Can acting in one's own self interest make the world a better place?" SAT Essay [2]

I would like to help you with your essay. When I read the introduction, I thought there were few mistakes in you writing. The error that exists is placing "an" before efficient. However, the essay question can be very tricky. For instance, if someone looks out for their own self interest, it can be beneficial if it leads to something positive.

Therefore, I think you need to address that acting on one's own self interest can be detrimental if it is not a positive goal. Then the reader can understand that greed is a form of using one's own self interest in a negative way.

There are a few errors in the 2nd paragraph. Here are some suggestions:

Correct this sentence:" ...Czechoslovakia in 1939 as the first step.."
Change your verbs to the past tense: are should be was
Correct your spelling: pocess should be possess, Poles should be Polish
Instead of using a colon, you could replace it with "...world and caused the demise of 50 million..."
Delete "by no mean even".

The 3rd paragraph you need a transition word. Ex: Also, In addition

The 4th paragraph place "a" before comedy. Change you tense: "...wealth he amassed and was always ready to save expenses." Change your verbs to the past tense: are to "were denied freedom" and does not to "did not". The last sentence should end as, "avid concern to gain money."

The last paragraph there is no mention of acting in one's own self interest. You could add one or more sentences.

I won't give this essay a grade, but it was well written. Focus on checking to see if verbs are in the past when you tell a story in the past. This will help you improve.

Undergraduate / The lessons we take from failure can be fundamental to later succes. Common application, Apply Texas [4]

I would like to give you a few suggestions to help you with your essay. I want to focus on meaning.

1st paragraph: You can begin your essay with "My greatest fear during childhood was people." Delete the next sentence. You
can link the list of people by stating:" normal such as the blind, deaf, and amputees". The next sentence you should delete "let alone talk".

2nd paragraph: Change the beginning of the sentence to:"During the summer of 2011..." When you discuss your fear being kept a secret, this should be one sentence. Start a new sentence stating: "During the night..." The next sentence you should delete the comma after morning. Change this sentence to:" Then she saw genuine fear in my eyes, she hugged me close and patiently..."

Change give them company to "keep them company ". Also, you could say you were "able to see people who did not have limbs". Change too paint to "to paint". You should state "people were more than normal" Instead of using duration of the visit, you could state:" After the visit..."

The last sentence should end with:" inspired me to believe and strive to achieve."

Writing Feedback / Without parents assistance children can easily be affected by bad habits, lifestyle and cultures [6]

Hello, I would like to give you some suggestions to help you improve your essay. I think you can make this sentence better, "Without parent's assistance, children can easily be affected by bad habits, lifestyle and cultures." I think you should change part of this sentence to, "...eat, lessons in humanity, how to show compassion and to forgive, etc." You can delete the next sentence.

The second paragraph, you could state "how to speak and eat." Also, "I remember when my younger brother was a baby...". Change parts of the next sentence:" disappointed with him, but they did their best for their child's sake." The last sentence could read: Therefore, parents teach their children their first life lesson.

3rd paragraph: Change the word order:" The second lesson I learned from my parents was a lesson in humility." Next sentence, "someone injured from an accident or somebody who needed help..." Change 8 to eighth. Last sentence: "...and received bad test results, I thanked my mother for that priceless lesson."

4th paragraph: Delete from time to time.

5th paragraph: Place a period after teachers. Start a new sentence:" They give children an array..." I'm confused when you discuss the government. The details in the essay do not support this sentence because they are more personal stories. If you discuss how teaching children is investing in their future, this is more evident because your experience taught you how to display compassion and forgiveness.

Undergraduate / Harvard Supplement: Role of Medicine in my Life [4]

Hello, I would like to help you with your essay.

Since this is a supplement to your Harvard application, I would suggest some slight changes. For example, I would write 2:00 a.m. I would avoid the abbreviation. I would avoid using but at the beginning of sentences. There are some simple ways in which you can avoid this.

You can use a transition word. "However, my fascination with medicine began earlier."

The next paragraph I am going to suggest avoiding shortening your sentences. Since this is a supplement to your application, you want to have a more formal style of writing. Here are some suggestions: When I was six years old, I went to my aunt's house. While my relatives were downstairs telling stories and clinking glasses, I was too busy upstairs scanning my aunt's bookshelves to listen.

When you are telling your story check carefully to ensure your verbs are in the past tense. The word brush should be brushed.
Here is another example: "I pulled out books randomly and squeezed into a corner to ensure none of my inquisitive relatives found me..." Change hear to heard.

The next paragraph verbs need (-ed) at the end. Change: experience, ask, answer. Also, delete "often stupid". Delete as horribly cheesy as it sounds and replace with, " then one day". Instead of saying you couldn't have cared less, maybe you could say you were oblivious to this minute dilemma.

I'm unsure about the spewing fire and dream sequence analogy. Please explain this in your essay. Change: "no other path I'd follow." The last sentence place "that" before medicine.

Undergraduate / 'to be a leader in the colossal shark tank of the corporate world' - Texas A&M 2016 application [2]

Hello, I would like to help you with the first paragraph of your essay. When I read the first sentence, I noticed that the sentence is a run-on sentence. This can be easily changed.

The first sentence you want to change the word prompted to asked. Replace and the list goes on with etc. Start a new sentence with "Yet".

When you state "wherever I step" it sounds confusing because you name places such as a hometown. You should change this to " wherever I reside".

Change the beginning of this sentence to: "My entire high school career..." Also, change the word come to "become accustomed".

The next sentence you want to state:"... on the right track..."

I think you should end the paragraph with this correction:"...reach success and never lose sight of my goals."

Undergraduate / Movie role choice question - University of Florida 2016 Undergraduate Essay [3]

Hello, I can help you with your essay. First, you begin your essay with the statement, "l am a villain". However, there are details in the essay that seem to describe you as a hero. The question is asking you to choose the role you want to play. Your writing is analyzing the villain and hero.

My suggestion would be to choose the movie role you would like to play. Describe how you see yourself in the role. You can describe how the role of the hero and villain are portrayed. Yet, your primary focus should always relate to how you see yourself in a movie. The question asks: Which role would you accept and why?

There are many good ideas but they do not correspond to the role you see yourself in.

Undergraduate / "Traveling outgrows its motives..." Dreams of wondering / Semester at Sea [4]

Hello, I can help you with your essay. There are a some mistakes that can corrected that will help your ideas become clear.

When you begin to discuss Acapulco, it seems like you are trying to state: "Acapulco is filled with empty streets." The next sentence you should state:"... talks about how and dangerous it is..." Do you mean advising tourists not to visit?

The next paragraph there are too many ideas. There needs to be a few sentences formed. Place the word "because" after problem. Form a new sentence using, "Nevertheless". The next sentence should start with, "When we visit the country..,,"

Writing Feedback / SAT Essay: Is adversity necessary to discover who we are? [3]

Hello, as I was reading your essay, I thought the introduction was very good. Yet, when I read the paragraph about Thomas Edison, I thought his journey could have been a challenge mentally. Therefore, you thesis could link adversity to a mental, emotional, and physical journey.

Your third paragraph has a minor error it should read: "record holder.... who swam...."

Conclusion: This is a good conclusion. In the conclusion you discussed mental strength, so this will coincide with your thesis. You might need a sentence in the body of the essay that discusses how Edison's action showed how he overcame mental adversity. Remember he failed at first but then succeeded. Also, the conclusion could discuss Edison and Soni briefly. Here is a suggestion: "Adversity is inevitable in any personal journey, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically. This was evident in Edison and Soni's personal journeys to success.". "Therefore, only by facing adversity can we truly reveal our personal and physical potential."

I'm unsure how this will be scored, but there were few errors and your writing style is good. You also had good examples in your essay.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Petroleum Engineering with IT background , Having 5 years work experience in the E&P [3]

I can help you with your SOP. I will try to focus on meaning and if there are some issues with grammar that could help you improve your writing.

1st paragraph: Since the first sentence introduces you and your background, this should be almost flawless. Here is a suggestion that will help you improve: "My work in the oil and gas industry, for about five years, has changed my life. It made me discover many skills and talents that I was not aware of them ."

It's not necessary to capitalize oil in this next sentence. Please notice the changes in this sentence: "Early in 2010, Iraq started an ambitious program or plan to develop its oil and gas field and to increase its oil production." When you use growing up this refers to age, so I suggest you use "growing more". I am going to suggest deleting some information because if you are applying to a university to continue your education, they are aware of your prior education.

When I have joined the industry as an engineer, this was a very challenging position during the beginning of my career in this industry .

I like this sentence but I want to suggest showing your appreciation even more: However, and as I constantly state I'm grateful to have joined this industry because being challenged means being creative to overcome challenges. In this sentence you needed to help the reader to understand that you were trying to overcome challenges in the industry you worked.

The last sentence has many errors, so you can make your sentence simpler: Early in this year, I decided to take make a vital decision which is flying to fly to Texas to continue my education in Petroleum Engineering major at xxxxxxxxxxx University.

2nd paragraph: There are some minor errors in this paragraph that distract from the meaning slightly. I will tell you the sentence and what you should fix.

2nd sentence: "in high school"
3rd sentence: Place a comma after Technology and 2008. Also, place "a" before Software.
5th sentence: "4 years of study was" "average score was" (You needed to change is to was because this was in the past)

6th sentence: Place a comma after Services
7th sentence: " do not grant"

3rd paragraph: You are missing many words but these are slight errors. These words are "a" and "the"
The first sentence delete major. The next sentence begin the sentence with "After graduating and add "the" before U.S. ..."on a construction project." Place "an' before interesting. Change part of this sentence to: "...the oil and gas industry by working in the XXXXXXX oil field."

(Generally, the oil and gas industry should be in all lowercase letters.) The next sentence place "the" before estimated oil. Also, "the" should be before international. It seems as if you are not placing "the" before oil. It was only correct not to use the when you stated you worked for the oil company. In this paragraph, you also forget to place commas before "I". This was needed when you mentioned beginning hired as a network engineer and when you were promoted in 2012.

The last sentence in this paragraph should begin with: And Also, I was responsible for delivering high quality... End the sentence with BP, etc.

4th paragraph: You need a transition word such as "However" to begin this paragraph. Change some of this sentence to: "Managing and securing both exploration..." There are some corrections in this sentence including a different transition word: "...the information technology, specifically in the database technologies for the oil and gas industry. Moreover,..."

Final paragraph: The minor issues with this paragraph can be easily corrected. Change engineer works to "engineer" worker in the first sentence. Change oil and gas industry and oil fields to all lowercase letters. Also place "a" before broader.

I hope this helps you. Please read your SOP before submitting. It seems as if you have good information.

Writing Feedback / Differences of Life between in the city and in the countryside [3]

I will give you more feedback for your last two paragraphs.

3rd paragraph: Place "the" before countryside. Change this word to "conditions", because it should be in the plural form. The next sentence end it with "means of transportation is restricted". This was a little confusing when I read it. Do you mean there is little access to other forms of transportation such as public transportation?

The next sentence, I think you mean that children maybe more focused on farm life than schooling. If you have taken it from a source or from your research, maybe that will help you to explain it based on facts. The last sentence change transport to "transportation".

4th paragraph: I think you need a few more sentences in your conclusion. You forget to mention the countryside in your conclusion.
Here are some corrections: "To conclude, the way for living is differed of living differs from the rural areas to the city in many aspects of life." This part of the sentence needs to be changed to: "... a better living conditions..."

Writing Feedback / Differences of Life between in the city and in the countryside [3]

I can help you with some of your essay again.

1st paragraph: Here is a suggestion for your first sentence: Today, people have many options in which they can choose to live. Keep areas singular, it should be "a rural area". Change the word order in the next sentence: "In fact, there are two major differences in living between cities and rural areas. Since you will be discussing cities and rural areas, you needed to be more specific in the sentence.

2nd paragraph: The first sentence change that to "the". Do you mean everyone who lives in the country can enjoy family life? You should change less practical to "more practical" because it means they value a simple lifestyle. The next sentence just describe these residents as "city residents".

Writing Feedback / Having an enjoyable job or good salary to a better life? IELTS Task 2 [3]

Hello, I will help you with your essay. I want to focus on word order so that your sentences can be understood. This will help to improve your writing.

1st paragraph: Working preference is widely concerned nowadays-Change the order of this sentence to: "Today, some are concerned about their work preference." This sentence will now lead to the next sentence where you use "some people". The next sentence place "better" before well-being.

You need a better transition for the next sentence, here is a suggestion: "Yet, it is a belief that money also can be have drawbacks such asbecause it can lead to a materialistic lifestyle. If you use because, the reader can understand that a materialistic lifestyle is a drawback.

The last sentence word choice is important and needs to relate to the question: "Personally, I argue that a pleasurable job also should be considered over money".

2nd paragraph: The second paragraph, does not begin in a way that would help the reader to understand that the first discussion is about earning a lot of money. Here is a simple way to begin: "Some people have the idea to earn a lot of money." By stating some people and using idea, this will will help you transition to your next sentence. The following sentence change this word to: "fulfilling".

3rd paragraph: You should delete these words: ignoring in society . Simply add the word "boring" in its place. This sentence needed correction: Firstly, a pleasurable job seems to rise the increase a positive mood and wellness, while even if the salary is not spectacular. I would use the word increase rather than raise because a positive mood and wellness can be increased.

Change this word to "tasks". The next sentence, "seem to have a healthy". Change charity to "charitable". The last sentence check your source again because there are errors in this sentence.

4th paragraph: I'm unsure about the next sentence because you use the word notified. Do you mean notably a factor of wellness? Correct this sentece: "One of the drawbacks that has resulted from this issue is a materialistic lifestyle." The next sentence the word should be plural; "others arguing" This is only a suggestion for the last sentence: Instead of using where, you could use "when it is an option". Delete consider to.

Writing Feedback / Patterns of woven baskets found in the immediate village of Palea - argument writing for Toefl [2]

Hello, I would like to help you with your writing.

1st paragraph: You begin by summarizing what you have read. Make the first sentence into two sentences. "Archaeologists have found Palean baskets in Lithos. They conclude that Palean baskets are not uniquely Palean."

I would like to help you with the next sentence, notice the changes in bold: "There is a possibility that in ancient times merchants in Palea and Lithos had a business relationship." There were some missing words and I think you should use merchants because if you the location it is confusing. The reader needs to know who was involved in the business relationship.

The following sentence use a transition word to begin the sentence (Thus) and change might to "may have been".

2nd paragraph: This sentence needs correction: A further argument of by archaeologists is that as the Brim river is deep and broad. No one could cross it by boat only, and they did not found and the palean boat was not for transportation, so palean baskets are not uniquely Palean. You needed to separate your thoughts by forming new sentences. Also, if you use the plural form of a word such as baskets, is should be "are".

The last there are missing words: "Furthermore, even if the Brim river was broad and deep, there is possibility that only people of Lithos traveled for business; thus, archaeologists cannot find Palean boats. This sentence had fewer errors. You had two sentences so I used a semicolon after business and placed a comma after "thus".

Final paragraph: There is a slight correction: "the" should be placed before Palean. I think you need to add one or more sentences for a better conclusion. I think your explanation proves that these archaeologists need to analyze the facts more and think of other possibilities for their findings. Think about this, because it will help you write your conclusion.

Research Papers / Staying Analog in a Digital World (Eng102 Research Paper) [4]

Hello, I am going to review the next two paragraphs to help assist you with your essay.

3rd paragraph: I would suggest stating, "...as fast as your brain can think." The next sentence, I think you were trying to use:" On the other hand". I would change what's to "what has" to make the sentence much easier to read. The next sentence you could replace side with "viewpoint". The following sentence you want to state: "At work and school..."

This sentence needed this correction: "With many humans being able to communicate online as fast as they can speak, some may not take the time to consider what is being said." I am going to suggest that you end this sentence with, "deleted because of public backlash or scrutiny."

4th paragraph: The beginning sentence needs to be corrected to read: "Nevertheless, I would like to highlight some positive ways to use technology." This sentence needed a better transition and a slight revision. I'm unsure about the meaning of newspapers and the job market. Do you mean it negatively impacts the jobs in the news industry?

The next sentence, place a comma after pages. The last sentence there are two errors. First, the comma should be placed after people, and change "...have helped to raise awareness..."

Writing Feedback / A/D? Students should spend more time learning on their own than learning in a classroom environment. [5]

The next two paragraphs I would like to help you with any errors.

3rd paragraph: The first sentence you could simply state, "Some may argue that students should try to study and solve their own problems, so they can prepare themselves to be responsible and independent when they face society." You could also say members of society. When you start a sentence with Its is, you should not use is too. Form a contraction and change the beginning of the sentence to: "It's reasonable for students..." I am also going to suggest stating "important for them to learn to work with the group."

Change its to "it's" for the next few sentences.

4th paragraph: Change does not to "do not".

I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / List of questions. Could anyone correct my study plan? [2]

Hello, I will help you with some of your essay. I will focus on your first question.

Question 1: Do you want to say: "Canada has the best education in the world"? The reader can assume the education must be of good quality. When you use all this is plural, so you must state, "the international students." The next sentence you should state, "and education attracts".

The following sentence should read:" The universities provide world class education at a reasonable price." Place a comma after also and "university" should be in all lowercase letters. Delete "on the program".

Change this sentence:" I have always been interested in studying in Canada because the standard of living and quality of education is remarkable." Here is a suggestion to change these two sentences: "Studying in Canada can help me to continue my education. I can learn the culture, meet new people, and learn through social interactions."

Writing Feedback / 'Influence: How and Why People Agree to Things' - SAT April 2006 [3]

Remember that this is practice. I'm unsure about the grading. If I used a grading system with the highest score as a 12, I would say you are at an 11.5.

Writing Feedback / A/D? Students should spend more time learning on their own than learning in a classroom environment. [5]

Hello, I would like to help you with some of your essay.

1st paragraph: I think you should form a new sentence: "Many people base their opinions on their own value system."

There are some words that can be deleted. Note this improvement in the next sentence: "A majority of them claim that students should try to understand and solve problems on their own, so they can learn to be responsible and independent."

I would suggest using another term to describe your feelings. Instead of using on the same wavelength, you could replace it with "agreeing"

Do you mean learning in the classroom rather than learning on their own?

2nd paragraph: I would like to focus on the use of transitions at the beginning of your sentences. For opener should be "For example,". You state What's more, but you can replace this with "Furthermore".

Also, your use of its is an error. It should be it's. Word choice is also important. In this paragraph you want to state, "abstract idea". Instead of interchange you should say "exchange ideas with each other". Change efficiently to "efficient". Change irresistible to these attractions to "may not be resistant to these distractions"

Use a semicolon and a comma to join sentences together. In this paragraph, you use transition words to join sentences. Ex: "...attractions; hence, lowering our learning quality." "...environment; therefore, this will increase learning."

Writing Feedback / 'Influence: How and Why People Agree to Things' - SAT April 2006 [3]

Hello, I will help you with your essay. I will give you some feedback that will help you to continue to practice.

Paragraph 1: Change behavior to "behavioral".

Paragraph 2: There are a few missing words: "...had an especially a persistent perspective toward blacks' right to live harmonically harmoniously with whites and to enjoy an equal social status. The next sentence you could change it to: "... American communities through his inspiring speech, most notably "I Have a Dream" speech,..." I deleted American because Dr. King traveled to other parts of the world. The speech is capitalized in this manner. This seems to be a typing error, it should be changed to: "Ultimately, he was assassinated..." The last sentence change believes to "beliefs" and your tense: "...could probably would have suffered further from the woes of segregation for a long time.

Paragraph 3: Many of the errors occur because you use the present tense of verbs. I am going to place these verbs in the past tense and in bold: enslaved, forced, executed. Do you mean go fight in the street? Change Across to "Throughout the novel". Place "to" before topple.

Paragraph 4: Change the word order in the last sentence: "...in order for their ideologies and insights to emerge". Change these words "King's" and to should be "with".

The paper was more organized and there were errors, but they were minor. You writing is getting better!

Essays / Should be 1500 word essay on why king Lear is considered one of the four tragedies. [3]

Hello, I can help you to consider why you may be having trouble writing more than 850 words.

First think about the four tragedies: Hamlet, Othello, King Lear, and MacBeth.

I'm unsure if you have to mention the other tragedies, but I would recommend considering why they are tragedies. Why would King Lear be in this category?

Have you used quotes from King Lear to explain why it is a tragedy? Can you use quotes from Hamlet, Othello, and MacBeth to explain why they are tragedies?

Can you compare King Lear to Hamlet, Othello, and MacBeth? I think if you make comparisons, you could have more words in your essay. Brief summaries would show how each story is defined as a tragedy.

This is just a suggestion. Please look at your essay requirements before considering this idea:

The introduction would briefly discuss the tragedies.

Body: Why is Hamlet a tragedy? Why is Othello a tragedy? Why is MacBeth a tragedy? Why is King Lear a tragedy? What makes the story of King Lear different as a story in comparison with the other tragedies?

Conclusion

Scholarship / Your community involvement, leadership qualities, sporting, artistic and other achievements [2]

I can help you with your essay.

Paragraph 1: In the first sentence, there needs to be a comma and the past tense needs to be used. Here is the correction: "Growing up in a Syrian Christian family, I was brought up with values that were more progressive..." Place a comma after childhood. You discuss being involved in activities in the latter part of the paragraph. Each time you use the word "can" in this sentence, change it to "could". Ex: The revision will be where I could and so I could.

This entire sentence should be corrected. Here is a suggestion: "This interest helped me become an effective leader both in school and at work. I engaged in certain extra-curricular activities, such as debating, quizzing, Model UN and online content writing, and involved in community service, and was involved in the Model UN program."

Paragraph 2: The first sentence you should end it with "at a young age". This sentence needs to be in the past tense, here is the correction: "Such experiences confirmed that I had the potential to become a manager, as I learned to use these experiences in my professional life where I mentored many employees and do quality supervision of supervised a team based in Bangalore."

Paragraph 3: Change Besides to "Furthermore". Here is another option: "In addition, I involved myself in community events during my school years because I believed, along with helping society, one can only truly value people..." I'm unsure if you want to state "only truly value people" but I wanted to give you that suggestion.

Paragraph 4: This is an interesting first sentence. Good work! Just delete "the" before you state the website. The next sentence change since to "during". Change this sentence: Besides "In the past three months, the total views of my content had was around one million." The next sentence change some of the sentence: "...corruption which trended for two days and received around 13,000 upvotes and 350,000 views..." When you are writing an essay it is better to avoid abbreviations such as 13K.

Paragraph 5: Place a period after community.

I hope this helps you!

Writing Feedback / The rate of using internet between urban/suburban regions tended to increase rapidly over time. [3]

I can help you with your essay.

1st paragraph: "Internet access" should be all lowercase letters. The second sentence a word needs to be added, change this to:"...using the internet..."

2nd paragraph: I want to make a suggestion with this first sentence: "The percentage of Internet access in urban and suburban areas was the highest throughout the period. If you use areas you explain what you mean by urban and suburban.

When you begin to describe household internet access you have to state which area you are describing. Ex: In the suburban areas, there was a dramatic increase in internet access, it went from 15% in 1999 to 50% in 2002. Upon looking at the bar graph, I noticed that it is touching 50%. Here is a revision for the next sentence:

"After those years, the rate has more slightly risen, with rose in 2003 and 2004 from 53% to 55%, respectively." If you write your sentence this way, the reader knows that in 2003 there was 53% and in 2004 there was 55%.

3rd paragraph: There are some missing words. The first sentence change to: "...the internet for each family in the rural areas..." The missing words are the and areas. The last sentence place "the" before internet and "this" before increased.

4th paragraph: Place "areas" after rural. The last part of the sentence you want to describe that the graph shows that people were gaining more access to the internet as the years progressed. If you use as the years progressed or over time, the reader will understand that gradual access occurred over those years.

Writing Feedback / Technology is very helpful in solving one's problem but one can become too dependent upon using it [3]

Hello, I would like to help you with your essay. I would like to help you with organizing your paper and forming paragraphs.

I think the first sentence is your thesis. The next few sentence seem to be your introduction. Let me help you organize this paragraph and give you some corrections.

"Everything in life have pros and cons.Its As humans job that we decide which side we choose. For example, technology is very helpful in solving one's problem but one can become too dependent upon using it. at a same time it is somehow deteriorating us . As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems,the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

The words in bold indicate that you needed a transition word (For example) and a more specific way to show how technology is deteriorating (become too dependent).

The next paragraph could possibly be deleted. This paragraph relates to physical health and not humans ability to think for themselves.

When you begin this paragraph, use a transition word by changing the order of the words:
On the other hand, although technology makes one's life easier, it is also a major factor of the greenhouse effect. I think there needs to be an explanation regarding how the industrial revolution changed the way people work. Did the machines and tools that were being used during this time cause pollution? Continue this paragraph with this sentence: "Furthermore, the increasing use of machines caused unemployment. During the 1990's, in India, with the arrival of the computer in the workplace, many people lost their jobs because they did not know how to operate computers." End the paragraph with: "Industrialists should have thought about these employees and helped them to enhance their skills."

The following paragraph could possibly be deleted unless you describe how misuse of tools cause humans to react and not think about the consequences.

There are some slight errors that can be corrected to make your conclusion better.

"In conclusion, technology is important for us." It is crucial for human. "Humans are the most...to live for everyone"

Here is a suggestion to end your essay: We should use and rely on technology but at the same time should hear to our inner soul and and use it wisely technology for the benefit of everyone.

Scholarship / How scholarship would help me, debt-free - Essay 2 [4]

There is only a slight error in your essay. You quickly made the changes. This is excellent! After discussing taking care of your son you need to delete a word. Unfortunately, "Yet, all the positions were filled. Presently, my mom..."

There are only two changes a deletion of a word and a word added to the beginning of the next sentence.

I hope these suggestions have helped you!