Writing Feedback / An associate system Engineer and BizTalk developer introduction in MBA Interview [5]

I see that you did not capitalize your name or the name of the district. Be sure to capitalize when necessary, and I also think it is important to use an interesting word or phrase to establish a memorable theme in that first paragraph. Probably, it is best to establish an interesting, memorable theme in the first sentence of that short first paragraph you used.

I also think the best way to improve the strength of this essay is to review a few great books or articles about the kind of business that interests you, because that will enable you to be more specific about your short-term goals.

I think the reader is going to be aware their seriousness and enthusiasm!

Undergraduate / "becoming a doctor and traveling abroad" - University of Michigan Essay [3]

That That first sentence has some great and imagery, and those two into resting action verbs also make it a good sentence. I think, though, that you should take away those first first few words: as a young adult.

That first paragraph seems incomplete. The last sentence of that paragraph does not seem like it should be the last sentence of the first paragraph. I think you should have a sentence to that paragraph, and make it a sentence that lets the reader know the main idea of the essay.

Your introduction to that last paragraph is very clever, the reader will appreciate it. But go to the first sentence of the second paragraph, and see if you can read by ISAT so well that it will be a sentence that supports the main idea of the essay. That main idea of the essay should be expressed in the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. I don't mean to suggest that all essay should be written this way, all with an admission essay it's useful to use good structure.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Nursing = Good Health" - university of texas admission, statement of purpose [4]


This part is confusing.

I think the most important thing about this essay, the most impressive thing, is that you capture the unique combination of knowledge, skill, and kindness that characterizes the nursing profession.

You should framed these two great paragraphs between an equally great introduction and conclusion paragraph.

Most importantly, and in that first sentence of the essay has got to change. It is obvious, confusingly worded, and a little too simple. That first sentence is like a missed opportunity to say something brilliant it will stick in the reader's mind and make you memorable.

Undergraduate / "Filmmaking should go beyond mere clubs" - UT- Austin Statement of Purpose [2]


At the end of the first paragraph, you make an intriguing remark about the transition to a new culture. Because of that, I think the first line of the next paragraph should to that culture transition again. Instead, you used this sentence that I quoted above, and it is just a boring and informative sentence. I think you should replace it with an interesting sentence of that continues that team about a cultural transition.

Ershad gave great advice, too! A thesis statement conveys the main idea of the essay would be very good, too.


Here is a sentence you should probably revise for clarity.

:-) I think they will be impressed by you!

Undergraduate / "A Game of Hide and Seek - X Vs. Me" U of C supplement. [16]


Yeah, I don't think that part really works... but it is funny how we all see everything differently. Anyway, you did really well.

Undergraduate / "A Game of Hide and Seek - X Vs. Me" U of C supplement. [16]


Little typo here.

You can't improve on stuff like this. Well, you probably can, but I can't. This is inspired writing.

It's strange to capitalize Cemetery but not Someone.
Even stranger that you capitalized Four at the end!

I accept defeat, X, for now. I cannot find you. --Another sentence I like a lot.

You know, I was talking to someone about politics, and he feels very certain of his opinions, but I don't. I told him it's important to remember that you probably have only about 50% of the info the president or other leaders are working with, so you cannot have a firm conclusion. When you are not working with all the necessary info, it is like an algebra expression with a variable. To solve for the variable, as in 4 x X = 20, you need to try one thing, then another, then another, until you find one that has the ring of truth!

So... maybe it is like that.

Undergraduate / "Perseverance pays rich dividends" - USC transfer essay [2]

After staring at this a long time, I think the first paragraph should be merged with the last so that the new first paragraph starts with the sentence I like so much...Letian, I really like this first sentence: As a child, I received after-school tutoring on multiple subjects, which I despised... great way to start!!

Now... I think the semi-colon in the last sentence of that paragraph should be a dash. Google around to see the different uses of each.

I might be wrong about moving the first para to the end and starting with para #2. Look at it and decide if you think that is good!

And this stuff near the end is too vague: came to grips with reality and took this lesson to heart by developing a "can do" attitude. The thought of my parents' struggles compelled me to do them proud. It motivated me to seek new challenges, and to strive to be at my best. Every success would result in All that is so nonspecific. Do you know what I mean? Just claims about a can-do attitude. I like the main idea, but it becomes a little redundant. Keep the examples, and keep the sentences that explain how you came to understand your parents' wisdom, but maybe you should cut some of the sentences that repeat the same idea and say vague things like 'seek new challenges' and 'strive to be my best.'

Bottom line, though... the essay is great and the writing is great! Your parents are probably glad you have this wisdom, now, too.

Writing Feedback / Essay - Observing & reflecting upon gallery teaching [2]

Great comparison and contrast, great topic sentences... the only thing I don't like is all that info in the introduction. The intro to an essay is like the intro to a lesson for kids in grades k-12: you should not burden them with a lot of info at the start. Instead, start with one intriguing concept to get them to engage the material. Express the theme, the truth that the whole lesson (essay) is offering. Try to succinctly express the main idea, and not too much info, as you write the first paragraph.

The apa is good, the descriptions are good... but the intro and conclusion could be used better. You could use them to express the "moral of the story." That is the valuable insight that the essay offers.

Undergraduate / (I want to be a businesswoman) How to write regarding your education goals. [7]

After experiencing both, I prefer the type of work that I did at the Seahawk game because I enjoy teamwork and the variety of job activities.

You should add a sentence that shows how the insight you gained about what you like to do is going to help you choose classes at this school to which you're applying.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Is Anger ever Beneficial?" - Feedback? [4]


These are also examples of situations in which anger can be detrimental. I think your intro paragraph needs another sentence that will tell a bit more detail to make the initial argument more... solid.

You should use cannot instead of can not.

You write very well! The best way for me to give advice is not about grammar or structure, because you are already very good, but instead I need to tell you about how to make a stronger argument: refute the counterargument. Google this: rogerian argument

When it is easy for someone to make a strong argument against your argument, you NEED to address that argument in your essay. It is easy to make an argument like, "It is possible to summon courage or energy without being angry." So... you have to address that, modify what you are saying, and really give a complete discussion by dealing both with your own argument and that counter-argument.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Lacking a verb? Is this sentence correct? [5]

The primary function of the heart is to circulate the blood, and through the blood, oxygen and vital minerals to the tissues and organs that comprise the body.

I put the verb in red. But you are right! There is a mistake. This sentence is okay if someone just takes out some words that are accidentally included:

The primary function of the heart is to circulate the blood, oxygen and vital minerals to the tissues and organs that comprise the body.

It was an error made in typing, probably. I make that same kind of error all the time.

Undergraduate / Physics: the topic in science do you currently find most interesting and why? [4]

I like that first sentence so much! I like the specificity and focus.
I don't like this one: Unlike others, I became aware of these topics from my childhood. The main reasons for this was My role model, "A.P.J. Abdul Kalam" (ex-president of India, popularly known as "Missile Man") inspired me by ________________. and the other thing that helped me was television. I also used to see various programs on Discovery and ...

I revised to get rid of unnecessary words. Also... add some mention of current research articles you have been reading. Or books! Mention a few very recent developments in these fields of study.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- capital punishment..necessary or not? [5]


Yes, to tell you the truth, I don't have a strong opinion on this because of a feeling of uncertainty. I would play the devil's advocate no matter which argument you made. :-)

What if one innocent life is saved by abolishing the death penalty?
What if one innocent life is saved because of successful deterrence of murder with the use of capital punishment?

Like you said, the value of a life cannot be measured very easily.
In the article I recommended, an observation is made like this: Maybe we could prevent rape by raping rapists as punishment. Maybe we should punish torturers by torturing them! But then again, maybe the dignity of the human spirit makes us want to renounce certain kinds of punishments, like raping rapists. If the punishment always fits the crime, then at the level of society's law we will always be stooping the level of the worst criminals. Or maybe that is not the right way to think about it. I don't know!! :-)

Yes, we would love to have you as a contributor when you are ready!!

Undergraduate / "Experiences in Economy" Essay [3]

What an intelligent essay! I especially like all the evidence of solid learning expriences... You did a great job with this, and I also noticed that the edit provided by Sage is really thoughtful and must have taken a long time! So, thanks for making this a great thread.


This is the part I don't like. It gets the paragraph off to a slow start. It is nonspecific. All these words fatigue the reader. Replace them with a sentence that is short and specific. :-)

Here is another one: University of Michigan offers a wide variety of academic and extracurricular opportunities for me to become involved in.---no good! Too dull... you have an opportunity with every sentence. Use your opportunity to show the reader that you are being proactive about your education. Google "proactive" and it will be a word that gives you inspiration.

Essays / When you decide what is right and what is easy - opinion on this hardest decision topic? [5]

Excellent advice, there. Sajid, you have to start by showing what YOU think it means, and that way people can tell you if they agree or if they have different ideas.

I have this idea to contribute: What is easy is not necessarily wrong. What is right is not necessarily difficult. What is difficult is not necessarily what is right.

In this case, it is difficult to write the essay, and it is easy if someone else writes it, but it is right to just take a chance and write simply, honestly. It's okay to be wrong, too!

:-)

Undergraduate / "higher education and my dad" - a person who has had a significant influence on you [4]

Well right here, she did do some reflection like the kind you are asking for. So... that is pretty good. And Allyson, you write very well! However, I notice that the paragraph you used for reflection is very short -- only 2 sentences!! So, maybe the thing to do is take advice in this thread by REMOVING some unnecessary details from the story part to make room for more REFLECTION and SELF-EVALUATION.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I did not receive medical help" - Additional Information Essay (Transfer Applicant) [3]


You have to know what you are trying to achieve. Use both these topics in order to achieve your real goal, which is to impress the reader with your excellent dedication and focus on achieving specific goals.

A quick, excellent way to improve this essay is to add 1 sentence to the first paragraph and 1 sentence to the last paragraph. Let them be sentences that express a single, powerful theme. The 2 sentences should express the same theme, though they may show different aspects of the main theme. The importance of getting medical attention early is not your main theme. Your main theme has something to do with showing who you are, how determined you are.

:-)

Graduate / Eyes through the world - my personal statement (applying Finance master) [18]

The plane gradually landed with all the passengers getting ready to get off board. -- I don't know why I did not think of this before, but this sentence is to plain (not to be confused with plane!). I think you can replace that sentence with the most interesting sentence you can write! :-) and that will make the whole essay better.

...it hit me as an epiphany how internal control procedures and social responsibilities the retail banks can impact the stakeholders. ----I like this a lot because of the great rhythm! It hit me as an epiphany... very good writing, there...

I want to take out just one part:
it hit me as an epiphany how internal control procedures and social responsibilities the retail banks can impact the stakeholders. ---It did not really fit. Maybe the sentence is better without it?

... how finance markets interrelated with accounting and what strategic decisions were made behind the scenes.
:-)

Undergraduate / How Can I start the Opening essay about extracurricular activities? [8]

This is such a valuable thread! I bet a lot of future visitors to this thread will benefit a lot from all of your ideas.


So what is the meaning of this experience? The thing to do is find some great meaning in this. It means you are smart... it means you have a natural inclination toward teaching... or maybe it means you had opportunity to learn what you REALLY want to do. How can you show that this experience helped you know you should enter the field you plan to enter?

:-)

Undergraduate / Got rejected by UMD; TRANSFER to U Maryland College Park-Civil Eng [5]


I think the most important thing is to always describe a well developed plan with a lot of goals, deadlines, and details. That is what I often tell people. That is what makes the AO reader stop a moment and say, Oh, this kid really is inspirational with his ambition and determination!

I began to gaze at the ceiling. I only wanted to become one thing: an engineer. I wanted to make the world a better place.---I made a small adjustment here.

Capitalize Spanish.

Try to use paragraphs so that the reader can understand each of your ideas easily.

Here are some sentences that can be cut if you still need to cut some:
Since kindergarden my mother emphasized higher education. I am the older of two siblings, and my mother told me to set an example for my other two siblings. University of Maryland has been my dream school for me since I was a child. Attending UMD will mean the world to me because I can pave my future, by getting into one of the best universities in the nation. I attended high school at Springbrook High School, and a very active student. This content is good, too, but if anything needs to be cut I think this stuff is expendable.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Waking Old Desire" - Transfer Caltech Essay [3]

This part is a little unclear:
It was the day when I had to bury my dream to study abroad. It was buried only until a great experience resurrected my desire.

I could not find such a laboratory in Indonesia.----I added "a" here. It is a strange phrase: ... I have never found such a XXXX..."---the word such is used in strange ways.

I had been interested in math and science since...

Nice job here!!---> "Moreover, I could still apply for graduate program overseas after I finished my study in GMU," I thought.---I like that part.

It wasn't until the closing ceremony of IPhO when I realized the consequence of being IPhO silver medalist. "Congratulations ! With your silver medal, you can use the government scholarship to study abroad!" my physics advisor said, and this remark awoke my old desire.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Swim Team's swimming pool" - University of Michigan Community Essay [3]

This essay is really well-written... great imagery words... like, icy water makes the reader really feel something. So, this is high quality writing! That means you can help a lot of people by visiting the "Unanswered" threads! :-) Now, this sentence above... it's the only one I don't like. It is an uninteresting statement of the obvious, a blatant contrivance to enable you to mention that award. You need more finesse than that! :-) Just kidding, but you know what I mean.

I don't think hardship is the best word. Hardship is not the same as rigorous effort. Hardship is something different...

Anyway, this is excellent. I think at the end you can say something a little more specific. Look for a similarity with swimming and your academic interests or career interest.

Research Papers / Business Studies Paper: Leadership and Gender [3]


This is the one. And you'll have to narrow it even more while you work. When you have finished, you will have used many examples, and you will see a theme emerge. You'll give this a great title after it is written. The title will express the profound truth that was uncovered in the process of writing it. :-)

Undergraduate / Bullying Gave Me a Sense of Self - Honors Program Essay [5]

I hope so!! Hold on... I'll tell you...

In our lives, e Everyone has a toxic friend, a frenemy, whatever you want to call them. --I trimmed a little fluff from the beginning, but this is a GREAT sentence.

In my case, her name was Kristen. I met her when I was twelve. She was the new girl at my elementary school, and I was assigned to show her around. We became friends, and I brought her into my little group. (right here, add a thesis statement and then end the first paragraph).

If you do that, it will be easier to read, and it will be more powerful. That thesis statement establishes the message of the essay.

Yes, it makes great sense!
:-)

Undergraduate / Fine Arts for UT/ Personal interaction with objects essay/ A powerful painting [9]

Growing up, creating stories from my imagination instead of playing with dolls was my preferred entertainment.---I crossed out part of this, because the sentence was made awkward by it. Also, playing with dolls IS a way to create stories with imagination.

This is a powerful little sentence: No words - only drawings.---very good ending to the first paragraph!

What a great essay... this really keeps the reader interested and shows, without any doubt, your thoughtful plan for the future. You seem to have put more thought into planning your future than most people do! :-)

Graduate / Computer Science, Artificial Intelligence, Africa - SOP final draft for review [2]

commited
committed :-)

Got to trim the boring part away from the beginning:
In my initial search for a course to undertake for my Undergraduate studies, I had never considered a computer related field. Although I had above average computer knowledge, it seems I took a course in Computer Science almost by accident.--Now THIS is a great first sentence for an essay. Very cool, very interesting. All essays must start with a great, intriguing sentence like this.

Since then, my desire for knowledge into about the workings of ...

...see most problems as something matters that can be handled with good software.

Trim, trim:
Every day, I set out to do my best the best I can in my chosen field of in the field of Software Development.

I desire to be a software entrepreneur, leading innovation in not just software development but also in the broader aspects...

:-)

Undergraduate / "A Father's Enduring Love" - The person you admire the most [2]

I'm so sorry you did not get any help until after the deadline had passed!
I'll look at it now, for whatever my ideas might be worth, better late than never.

... because they are the people we see the most and have known for the longest period of time. ---I think it involves something a little more than this! :-)

From observing my dad's behavior and listening to his lectures, I have found guidance for life choices and personality.--I had to change this one a little. From observing, [I] did something... You observed, so you are the one doing something in this sentence.

This is my favorite part!!---> As he has always told me and continues to tell me, 'There is nothing impossible if you put your mind to it'. He proved that to me. ---what a beautiful sentence. Capitalize "There."

Actually, it is even better if you do not start sentences with "there are..." Just do this:
...continues to tell me, "Nothing is impossible if..."

Always use a comma in a compound sentence: My dad has always been there for me, and I will always be there for him.

This is such a great essay, and I think it is the sort of thing that becomes one of the most cherished, awesome things in someone's life -- your father's. When you start to get older, you look to what has been meaningful in your life, and because of this essay your father will never have to wonder if he lived well. He'll be looking at this essay when he gets old, that is for sure! :-) you are a great kid.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- capital punishment..necessary or not? [5]

... method for deterring countering criminals.

Capital punishment is given only in the "rarest of the rare" cases. ---well, in some rare cases innocent people have been executed! I wonder if any amount of crime deterrence is worth even a single wrongful execution.

they will fear and not commit such crimes. Thus, the rate of crime and violence is effectively decreased.---america uses capital punishment, but we also have more murders than a lot of countries that do not use capital punishment! So... maybe it does not deter crime so well after all.

psychopaths---You should not include this word in your argument, because psychopathy is an example of a mental illness, and mentally ill people cannot control their actions.

You write without error! It is very good! I'll recommend an article for you. Google this: Steiker, capital punishment, required, Deterrence, Deontology, and the Death Penalty

Letters / " Dear selection committee" ;Recommendation letter (economics class student) [6]

You would be so surprised to learn how often that happens. For one thing, teachers do not want to sit and write letters for all their students. It would be nice if they did, but they don't have time.

Actually, writing your own letter of rec. is a good introspective experience. Plus, the teacher can change it in any way s/he wants to make it accurate.

I'm sorry I did not comment on it in time for your deadline! I'm glad you got all this great help, though. :-)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Graduate School in Bioarchaeology field in the UK [4]

I saw the GREAT feedback you gave other people, and it made me want to come help you right away!


Well, just stay focused on your purpose. You purpose is to inspire the reader in a way that will make them say, "Wow, this person has planned so carefully and is being so PROACTIVE that she deserves every opportunity!"


It would be great to mention this very fact, as long as you do not waste too many words on it. It is impressive that you know about this cultural difference as it affects the field.

This sentence is all messed up:
My premise being that since perceptions and the idea of self are formed through social interactions then the importance lies with indentifying patterns of social influences on skin-color. ---It is not complete. It will be a complete sentence if you change being to "is." But you have a typo in "indentifying" and it is not correct to refer to "social influences on skin color."

That sentence needs to be rewritten, and when you do that, keep in mind that the reader will judge the whole essay by this sentence at the end of the first paragraph. :-)

Student Talk / International students - where are you applying? [11]

Well it certainly SOUNDS like a program that would be very compatible with European studies. I bet this program is a lot like international relations.

In order to find someone knowledgeable about it, you should go give some people ideas about their essays and ask them if they have ideas... you can search EssayForum for the term.

Book Reports / "Double Vision in The Great Gatsby" essay - how can I summarize this essay better? [2]

Use a hyphen only between year and old:
seventeen year-old

Ah, you write so well and so efficiently that it is hard to chop content!
Here is an awkward spot:
Unfortunately for Gatsby's dream eventually dies, not because he did not achieve it, but that the dream itself because it was destroyed because of the material world that Gatsby, Daisy and her husband Tom become corrupted by.

...by which Gatsby,Daisy, and Tom become corrupted.

You can chop content by shortening the quotes. You do not have to quote complete sentences... you can shorten them with one of these [. . .].

Try not to end paragraphs with quotations. After each quote, you should have a sentence that reflects on it... quotes should not begin or end paragraphs, usually. :-)

Essays / My hometown / speaking multiple languages -introductory paragraph help [2]

You should make the thesis statement more interesting. It should be "arguable." That means some people would disagree with it. Isn't that a funny requirement? But it makes sense because if you say something no one would disagree with, it is not worth writing about.

So... do something like this:
Being bilingual is even more advantageous than being wealthy. ---This is something people might disagree with, and that is what makes it interesting.

So how should you write the intro paragraph? You should write some sentence that are interesting enough to make the reader start thinking about why bilingualism is advantageous. :-)

Undergraduate / Pursue Reason essay for MSC in Information Systems at NTU, Singapore [2]

You have almost 2500 characters! So... it is too long.

Due to the keen interest I have developed over time, I felt that I should equip myself with advanced theoretical and implementation aspects of databases and information storage and retrieval.

I want to pursue a research career in... Systems at NTU will be of immense help. ---All this content can be cut, because it is general and insubstantial, obvious... goes without saying. Know what I mean? For every paragraph, ask yourself what it does to the reader. Keep only the cntent that inspires the reader by showing how clear and detailed your plan is and how much you are already reading to prepare for your professional field.

My favorite sentence: I have taken initiative to go deep into lucene API and developed a keen interest towards data structures and algorithms used for information retrieval.

Writing Feedback / "Grateful to God" - personal experience essay [2]

Is a word missing from this sentence?
It had been a year since my parents were.

...worked at a factory near to home. The salary salaries of a clerk and a factory operator were not enough...

for us to afford neither either a Mercedes car or even a...

When I was 3 three, something strange happened to my father.

6 Six months later, they were divorced.

I think this essay is almost perfect! Your mother must have a lot of wisdom. I want to tell you that one very important sentence should be changed:

A challenge that finally tells me how fortunate I am as there are many other people who are less fortunate than me.---This sentence is not a complete sentence. It would be a complete sentence if the word "that" was not in it. But it also is a very important sentence... because it is at the end of the first paragraph. You should change this to a sentence that perfectly captures the main idea of the essay. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-most effective media for communication [3]

Capitalize Internet.

However, commercial films which are made on useless themes, promoting vulgarity, are detrimental.---I added a comma here.

They don't serve any purpose; instead they are just produced with profit maximisation as the sole objective.---Great sentence!! I had to add the semi-colon, though, because it was a run on sentence.

You don't need a comma in this sentence:
The given table illustrates the proportion of various kinds of families in Australia, living in poverty in the year 1999. ---take out that comma.

The different family types considered include the following: single person, aged couple,...

The table clearly indicates that out of all the households, 11% people lived in poverty, exactly and this proportion represents approximately 1,837,000 people.

:-)

Undergraduate / My sister + Fireworks - Overview of educational and life experiences [2]

You write so well! I am impressed. And I bet your Urdu is better than mine! :-)

I think that first essay is so great... usually I advise people not to write about experiences from when they were very young, because it is better to write about current intellectual interests. But your story is so well-written and so interesting, you have to keep it!

However, I suggest this: at the end of that first essay, write about the way you think about this experience now. Write about how your memory of it influences your CURRENT interests and intentions.

Fireworks were illuminating the sky, crackers were making loud noises, and people were waving flags.

or cause the flood to flow. ---Is this supposed to say flood or blood? Maybe it should say "flood of blood."

... told my father in privacy that the pipe carrying water to and from the eyes has had been punctured by the flag, causing the water to sprinkle.

... an eight year-old to take.

I accidently overheard their conversation. When I was asked for my opinion, I said that I do did not fear an operation.

The first one is to always consider the advice of people older and wiser than me. The second lesson is to be brave in face of difficulty.

:-) great job!

Undergraduate / "vivid energy, never hushed, never restrained" - UCF - Environment / Why I applied [3]

I like this first sentence! I want to suggest some commas to regulate it:
A flash of light, as striking as one hundred suns, shattered the darkness that had engulfed the room. Before me sat infinite faces, some gleamed like stars, while the rest settled as shadows. ---Your way was not incorrect, but I think the reader's experience will be enhanced by commas.

And sometimes brevity is so useful... even if the meaning changes, sometimes brevity is the better way to go, like this:
I scurried offstage as the clapping of anxious parents began. to cease. "Began to cease" can make people stumble and get momentarily confused.

...creates a comfortable academic atmosphere, while its convenient location in Orlando generates much diversi ty.---This kind of content is not so helpful. It does not really help to make your case. They already know about the location. The goal is to show that you are ridiculously motivated to achieve some specific, short term goals. You are doing a great job with that! And also, the reader will see that you write with a really high level of proficiency. But I suggest chopping this stuff about the location. :-)

Essays / Writiting a Rogerian Analysis Essay (about abortion) [2]


This is such a great question! Thanks for participating. I think a lot of people will benefit from looking at this thread.

The way you used the word refute seems wrong. You are supposed to refute the counter-argument. Another great way to understand this principle is to google around about a "Rogerian Argument."

It is okay to cite something in the first paragraph, although I think I once had a teacher that said we should not. But he was wrong! :-)

Anyway, do this:
Write a paragraph about an interesting article that you enjoy.
Repeat that until you have 5 paragraphs about 5 different articles, and in each paragraph talk about the article's topic by discussing it from YOUR point of view.

After writing 5 paragraphs, go back to the beginning and write an intro paragraph.

See what I mean? Write the intro last!! Well, write both the intro paragraph and the conclusion paragraph last. Write the body paragraphs first while you read interesting articles!

Undergraduate / "to satisfy my interests and academic hunger" - Transfer Common Application [2]

I like that first sentence!! Great job... take out the comma, though:
I sit near the fire and try to find reasons why I should not transfer my study.

I count the reasons in my mind -- a good and safe place to study, good professors, a warm environment, and what is more, my current institution is in my home country.

Okay, and when you get to the end of the e first paragraph, replace this with a very interesting sentence that expresses the real reason, close to your heart, why you want to transfer. In the end of my thinking I can do nothing but think of better opportunities and open doors to my much better life path that can be found in a different educational institution. Not specific enough. Replace it with a cool reason the reader can wrap her mind around! :-) That means you should succinctly express the main reason. Can you find the words for it?

For the sake of my parents' wish, I found myself in a strange interest area. -----Another great sentence! But do this:
For the sake of my parents' wish, I found myself in a strange interest area: __________. (name it in this topic sentence for the paragraph.

:-)