Undergraduate / Key Club - UC Prompt 2 - Talk about your achievement and talent [5]

Khoi, the essay that you wrote is quite interesting. However, it tries to concentrate on too much of your involvement in the Key Club. While I admire that you want the reviewer to know about the foundation of your interests and previous reasons for wanting to join the club, those do not really relate to the accomplishments that you had while you were there. I reviewed your word count for this essay and you ave 615 words. Let me offer you a piece of advice, try to cut out 115 words from your essay. It is currently too long, unfocused, and tries to accomplish too much using too many words. The grammar is good, the message is nice, but the focus is not there. You need to make the paper concentrate on the achievement that you consider the most important and develop that part alone.

While the backstory is probably something you consider important, it is not as important as telling the reviewer about the real accomplishments that you have had. To him, the accomplishment would be how your character was built by becoming a member of the club. It isn't about the various positions you held in the club and what it meant you were tasked to do. Rather, it is all about how you helped the community through the club. By focusing the essay solely on that, you will have been able to relate your greatest accomplishment in life (so far).

Essays this informative can usually do with a unique anecdote to help explain your story. You started off with a good hook by asking a question about what the club is. That really got my attention and i think it will get the reviewer's as well. Then your narrative got too factual about the hours you spent at the club and what you were doing, etc. Sharing that information isn't wrong. However, your essay could have been better helped if you had provided a concrete example of how you were able to help the community through the club. A story about a club activity that happened long ago but you still remember today because it helped you learn a lesson. That lesson, is also an achievement on your part that will show the reviewer the kind of character and person you are evolving into.

As a person, part of our achievements in life include how we evolve into better human beings. I can see that this club helped you do that. We just need to bring the attention of the reviewer to that fact in an interesting manner. Rather than feeding him generalized information about your community service in the current essay, focus on that single event that you feel best displays the achievement you reached as a member of the club. Remember, it is not about club positions or designated duties. It is all about how you helped the community. Since you are planning to attend medical school in the future, why not present an experience / achievement related to that during your community service? That should help your application immensely :-)

Essays / Single elderly people should be taken care of. Give a comment about this issue. [6]

Tamara, the essay speaks of how technology can be used to help monitor the elderly. Using the article provided, you should be able to detect the common problems that often visit the elderly who live alone. these problems include difficulty in breathing and falling. Now, based upon the information, you should be able to defend or disagree with the stance that elderly people loving alone should be taken care. The question is, should they be taken care of using technology alone? What do you understand about the plight of the elderly based upon the article? Do you agree or disagree with it? Basically, you were given a not so specific prompt to go with a simple article. The questions I gave you should help give you a direction for this essay.

When you write this essay, make sure to reflect upon the plight of the elderly. For example, look at the way your grandparents live. Do they live alone? What problems do they have? Do you think technology such as the one developed by Fujitsu can help them in the event that they have an accident at home? How do you see this service as being beneficial to the elderly? Or maybe it won't be beneficial?

As part of your comment, you should mention how the Japanese lifestyle is so fast and hectic that not everyone has the time to look after their aging parents or grandparents. Yet these elderly do not always wish to live in a retirement home where professionals are paid to look after them. So maybe, this technology can help them stay healthy, accident free, and alive when living alone could put them in the most danger.

I've given you some ideas about what to write in your essay with some guide questions to boot. If you respond to the essay using these information, you should be able to develop a simple comment based upon the article.

Undergraduate / Right now, what is uniquely you?--Absence and knowledge--my story [8]

I totally understand what you are talking about. Your fears about your family background, coupled with the fact that you will be the first person in your family to attend college is certainly going to make you a nervous wreck. Don't let it get to you though. If you keep thinking about it, you are going to suffer. Just submit the essay and let the reviewer do the rest. Even if you don't get into your first college choice, you at least tried. Most importantly it is a start for you. The next essay prompts and college applications you have to fill out can only get easier from here.

Here's what you can do to take your mind off those kinds of matters. After you submit this essay to your first choice college, go ahead and revise the essay just in case you can use the same essay for a different common app prompt at your 2nd, 3rd, and so on and so forth university choices. Improve upon its content and review if there is any other information that you can add, change, or remove to make it better for the next time around. Start to paraphrase the essay for future use. Who knows when you might be faced with a similar prompt? At least you'll have a response ready to adjust and use at any given time :-)

Applying to colleges as a freshman can be a nerve wracking experience. We've all gone through it at one time or another. Like everything else in life though, you don't have to do it alone. We at the forum will always be here to help you navigate the confusing, daunting, and scary world of college application :-) So just submit the essay and let the chips fall where they may :-) We've got your back. I wish you the best of luck getting into your first college choice.

Writing Feedback / Initial teacher training qualifications of students who living in the UK between 2005/6 and 2006/7 [3]

Hasbi, I'd like to caution you about your overview of the report. While I realize that you feel the whole thing can be summarized in two sentences, it is important that you deliver the same in at least 3 sentences in order to insure that you have delivered the expected minimum sentence requirement for the paragraph. Delivering less than that could affect your score.

The report you made shows a good understanding of the chart. Aside from a few grammar issues that I will be correcting for you later, you should not worry about the clarity of your report. It is easily understood and answers all possible questions regarding the chart. I am confident that you will be able to improve your writing skills even farther in due time and with practice.

Now, for the corrections:

training qualifications of students who LIVED in the UK

THE CHART SHOWS THAT WITH the exception

all of THE ITT

In 2005/6,THE total teaching

with A proportion OF 23.865 for female and 8.065 for male

THE next year

there was a slightly increasedof IN the number

of maleS

while femaleS

PEAKED AT 24.335.

hand,THE total of PGCE

This case WAS followed by femaleS and maleS at around 1.5 % by maleS.

degrees showed A low percentage of ITT qualificationS AT approximately 14.5% maleS.

THE total of this group

with A proportion OF 6.920 for femaleS and 1125 for maleS.

Undergraduate / Right now, what is uniquely you?--Absence and knowledge--my story [8]

I believe that this is a very good essay Essence. If you will take note of my earlier response to your posting, you will notice that I admired the content of your essay. As I was reading what you wrote, I felt some sort of connection with you. An empathy that helped me better understand where you were coming from and where you wanted to go and how your uniqueness affects you as a person. The clearest message of your essay, the essences of your personality, is that you want to succeed in improving your life regardless of what obstacles you face.

Your conviction in your belief regarding what makes you unique really came through in your writing. The adjustments I suggested were meant to better enhance the message of your essay. If you are having any doubts about what you wrote, you still have time to review,revise, and edit the essay. When is your deadline for submission? I can work with you on this essay if you'd like.

Can you tell me why you have any doubts about your essay? If it is not too personal a reason to share here on the board, maybe I can help you address the doubts. Perhaps edit the essay in a certain way or add information that may help you feel more confident about your narrative. Doubting your work means that you know there is still room for improvement in the essay. Listen to your gut feeling. Don't turn in the paper until you are satisfied that you have represented yourself in the best way that you can using the written word. I'll be more than willing to help you achieve that :-)

Writing Feedback / Task 1 - Two different processes of manufacturing tea. [3]

Irfan, this is the best version of this Task 1 report essay that I have read today :-) Congratulations on doing a very good job on this essay. Your overview was properly formatted and informative even while lacking that all too important transition sentence at the end. Your second paragraph ran a bit long and should have been divided into 2 paragraphs since you discussed the two methods of destroying the leaves. The conclusion is more than adequate. Now, after giving you the good news, it's time for the not so good news. That is, the grammar errors that need to be addressed. Please note the corrections below :-)

tea ready FOR CONSUMPTION

in TEA MANUFACTURING

THE TEA IS HARVESTED BY SEVERAL WORKERS AND PROCESSED USING fans, racks, roller, cutter and AN oven.

THE HARVESTERS ONLY USE THE BUD AND TWO TOP LEAVES, WHICH ARE USUALLY IN THE BEST QUALITY CONDITION WHILE THE LEAVES ARE STILL FRESH.

and WHITHERED (ANOTHER TERM IS DRIED-OUT)

a method BY which THE air PASSES though THE leaves

EITHER THE TRADITIONAL OR MODERN METHOD OF PROCESSING IS FOLLOWED FOR THE THIRD STEP.

main purpose IS to destroy

The conventional method USES rollers TO CRUSH THE LEAVES

the enzymes ARE RELEASED from THE leaves

THE modern method which produces tea bags, DESTROYS THE leaves with A cutter

CREATES smaller, granular pieces

fermentation IN which the rolled leaves

INDIRECTLY RELEASE AN enzyme

THESE are entered INTO AN oven or A hot air dryer.

can REMOVE 97% of MOISTURE FROM THE TEA IN ORDER TO RELEASE the flavour and aroma

Writing Feedback / Diagram process creates a black tea - a four-step process (IELTS TASK 1) [4]

Bayu, sorry about that. I am always inspired to help the students whom I see are really trying hard to improve. Most specially when I see constant improvement in the student's writing. You are one of those students :-) I won't tire of pointing out your areas of improvement so you can progress to the point where you can be sure that you will pass your IELTS test :-)

To continue, your new introduction is a definite improvement. There is just one portion that needs correcting. Sorry ;-)

processes are similar in both of tea types

Let me try to show you how you can better improve this introduction:

The four step black tea manufacturing process is illustrated in this diagram. While the modern and traditional method of processing the tea is similar, the third stage of processing differs for each processing type. That is why two kinds of devices need to be utilized when dehumidifying the leaves. A more complete explanation of the tea processing procedures follow below.

Do you see how the overview is more complete in this version? It offers a complete summary of the discussion and also provides a transition sentence at the end to introduce the next stage of discussion in the essay. That is normally how an introduction should be written :-) I hope my sample helps you.

Writing Feedback / Diagram process creates a black tea - a four-step process (IELTS TASK 1) [4]

Bayu, when you write an overview of the report, try to figure out how you can lengthen the summary by presenting it in at least 3 sentences. You know that is the standard minimum length for any paragraph in an essay. In this case, you are short by one sentence so you need to expand it. The overview was so good that you forgot about that :-) Then there is the issue of the paragraphs as well. A minimum of 3 is also the ideal for any essay. You only have 2. I suggest that you divide the procedures into 2 groups so you can meet that requirement. Start a new paragraph when you discuss the second process. Now, on to the grammar portion. Here we go :-)

manufacturing black tea IS illustrated

As it can be seen, although in IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT WHILE the third stage it differs FROM THE traditional and modern

production begins with SELECTION OF the best tea leaves in the plantation, COMPOSED OF A bud and 2 top leaves

After HARVESTING, the leaves are arranged on A rack in order

This process IS called withering and USES A standing fan to

blow the wind ONTO the

Once THE remaining MOISTURE IS DOWN TO 40%, the leaves ARE ready to be transformed

are manufactured IN THE traditional method WHICH IS DONE BY ROLLING THE LEAVES FLAT AND THEN BREAKING IT WITH A rolling

IN THE OTHER process, THE modern method , the leaves are cut, torn, and curled with A cutting machine

Before THE TEA IS ready to BE consumeD, both of tea types need to be fried or dried again in AN oven.

but also TO push out 97% OF moisture (in total) goes out from THE leaves.

Scholarship / A Personal Statement for KGSP-2016. If I get the scholarship then it maybe a turning point. [4]

Alif, the first thing I noticed about your personal statement is that it is formatted in the wrong way. A personal statement is just an essay. A formal essay written in an academic manner. It is not a letter of introduction or anything related to any letter. So you can remove your opening salutation and your first paragraph. Those are really not necessary in the format of a personal statement.

Next, the word count of your personal statement. I am amazed that you were able to write 1344 words for an essay that, at best, should not be more than 500 words long. Unless the maximum word count given to you for this essay is 700 words. Your narrative is too long and it doesn't really have a good chance of holding the interest of the reviewer because of the length. Try to edit this down to maybe 500 words if you can. I have some suggestions regarding how you can do that.

You can start with your motivation for applying for the essay. When you speak of your motivation, you should talk about your interest in computer science and how you feel an education in Korea will help you gain a unique kind of education. It is not really necessary for you to give a detailed discussion of your childhood. Just speak of your interest in computers and how it led you to enroll at Notre Dame. Then explain why you were not able to complete your education there. (At least it sounds like you did not complete the course?) Close that part by opening the eyes of the reviewer to the idea that you are looking at this scholarship as a second chance. The motivation to finally complete your education.

At the point where you should talk about your awards and commendations. Just talk about the ones that you actually won. While a runner up prize is good, the government award that you received in 2011 is more notable and important an achievement. So you should concentrate on a longer discussion of that. Discuss only the important highlights of your awards and accolades. You don't need to discuss each and every activity you participated in because being a runner up doesn't matter as much as you think it will to the reviewer.

Definitely develop the discussion of your participation as president at the Notre Dame Science Club. That is an important extra curricular activity that will show a unique perspective of who you are as a student leader. That is always something that catches the attention of a reviewer. It also shows the significant influence that your previous school may have had on your development as a person and future computer scientist.

Overall, the essay needs to be tightened. It is best that you review it for content. You are the best person to judge which of your experiences you feel will make the most impact in this essay. After you have edited the narrative, you can post the new version here for further review :-)

Writing Feedback / The diagram illustrates the manufacturing processes for producing good black tea [2]

Your overview of the report is acceptable. Although, it can stand to use a little improvement. Let me show you how these improvements can be made.

manufacturing processes - the singular form of the word process should be used because you did not indicate more than one manufacturing process at this point in your overview.

WHILE there are two different ways OF PROCESSING -traditional and modern methods, they have similar steps in THE initial and eventual process.

At the point where you started your second paragraph, you should have been conscious of the five step process and made an effort to divide these steps into paragraphs in order to produce a chronological order of processing events.

picks only THE bud and 2 top leaves

TO PRODUCE A good quality of tea

to withering

AS THE leaves are spread out on A DRYING rack

through THE leaves IN ORDER TO remove about 60% moisture

and cutting . Factories use THE traditional

and BREAKING THE LEAVES which THEN release a wide range of enzymes

from leaves, and WHILE THE modern way by cutting CUTS THE leaves, tearing and curling them TO CREATE granular pieces.

are mixed WITH water WHICH changeS THE leave's colour to COPPER - Copper is a color. Cooper is a boy's name.

fried or dried in hot air dryers where IT releaseS A nice smell, and the leaves only RETAIN 3% moisture.

Irham, please review the use of connecting words and how to properly use them when constructing sentences. You really need to learn about those important connector terms. It will help to bring a writing smoothness to your essays. Specially when you are writing procedure essays such as these.

Writing Feedback / The school systems cause children have little leisure time and study in under pressure [2]

Irham, you are showing an improvement with each essay that you write. I can see the effort you are making to make sure that you are conscious of the latest news and information regarding various topics. The mere fact that you were able to cite information from a a named source indicates a heightened level of intellect and understanding of the prompt. The only problem we really face, are the grammar issues that always occur with your essays. Don't fret. Proper English grammar takes time and practice to develop. You'll eventually get there. What matters the most at this time is that the examiner will be able to understand what you are trying to say in your essay. All that matters is that he can rate you fairly when the time comes.

In this day and age, there are more challenges and assignments that youngsters in some nations have to deal with in school.

As such, it is no doubt they only have A few

in A DEPRESSED condition

topic ARE poor education systems

countries more likely to have an extremely heavy learning methods.

recently REVEALED

that 95% OF students

there are a lot of home works which are supposed to be handed for IN THE next day

Not only that, but also wrong understanding. - Understanding of what? The meaning of education? You have to always explain what you are implying otherwise the sentence does not make sense.

may think that the purpose of education is for getting high scoreS.

Young people study hard only due to GET good marks

a big ROLE

Nevertheless, There are potential

Initially, THE school

social activities though in THE school schedule

new experiences for TO THE children themselves

Eventually, THE government

education system TO IMPROVE THE SCHOOL SYSTEM WHICH WILL ALSO HELP IMPROVE THE SKILLS OF THE CHILDREN

school's time

hard BECAUSE OF poor

schoolS and government

people RESPONSIBLE for student education must WORK hand in hand to tackle these problems from deteriorating further .

Undergraduate / Right now, what is uniquely you?--Absence and knowledge--my story [8]

Hi Essence. Let me start by telling you that your story is quite interesting. Grammar warts and all, the story of what made you uniquely you is one that others in your position can identify with. Your opening statement comes in strong and intriguing. You were able to reel in the reader. That's a good thing.

That said, I think that your closing paragraph is actually quite stronger than your introduction. I like the way you closed it by saying " I am Essence McClung. This is my story." It tells us there is really something more to what you have just said and it entices us to read more. If you reverse the position of the paragraphs and close with "Although the truth to my uniqueness may be simple, my story is not. This is me, this is who I am." and add the word uniquely in this manner: "This is me, this is who I uniquely am." You will create a far stronger closing declaration than the one you have at the moment.

There are some grammatical errors in the essay that need to be addressed. Maybe it was because you were writing quite fast and did not have time to proof read it. So let me show you the corrections here :-)

Growing up , this was normal to me.Even though...

lead me to success. andShe did

but my mother filled both shoes, being both my mother and my father

Thr ough this, she instilled

thethat show

receive a college degree is my goal . My motivation for over achieving that will help me reach that goal.

be mines

Let us know if there is anything else we can help you with :-)

Undergraduate / International Relations - statement of purpose (undergraduate program) [2]

Monika, let me give you feedback for your essay on a per paragraph basis. I think it will be best to do it that way since you have comments pertaining to each thought you had :-)

For the first paragraph, you should show a stronger foundation for your international relations interest other than just reading books. International Relations is considered a highly complex course pertaining to the camaraderie of nations. Since you are stating the purpose for your studies, you need to create that solid foundation in that paragraph. For a hook, I suggest you use the statement; "A country does not exist on its own" as the opening sentence and work from there. Explain how you came to understand that statement in relation to International relations and by the end of it, your purpose and interests in the course should at least be represented in an overview form.

Now, with regards to your interest being sparked in high school. I think you need to present more supporting evidence here. Most importantly, what was the event that sparked the interest? If you were interested in elementary school, what happened in high school that turned it into a passion for you? I think you should combine this line of thinking with the first paragraph because they are related in concern.

I think you should skip talking about learning languages in the next paragraph and concentrate instead on the lessons you learned as a part of the foreign exchange student team. In terms of international relations, how did this activity help bolster your interest in the field and cause you to believe that this is the course for you?

About the references to TIU, there is just something that feels like the information you are delivering is coming straight out of the student brochure or website. It just doesn't give a sense of you connecting with the school on a more intellectual level. For example, what classes do you look forward to taking and why? Talk about the social experience on campus that you look forward to having and how you think you will be able to help improve their community based upon international relations (or something of the sort).

For your last paragraph, I believe you should start it by declaring your intention to work for the embassy. Then follow up with the idea that you can pursue further internships while you work. All of which are designed to help you pursue masters studies in the future, with the end goal of becoming a diplomat yourself in the future. Yes, I think that will work well as a combined final paragraph :-)

I hope I was able to help. I look forward to reading your next version :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: how access to information via the internet influences life [6]

Dveri, you need not worry so much about your essay writing skills. Remember,achieving perfect grammar is not the aim of the TOEFL test. While having good or great English grammar skills are a plus, what the examiner evaluates more in the essay portion are your reading and comprehension skills along with your line of reasoning. All of which you accomplished quite well in this essay.

Your written work reflects a highly professional mode of writing and indicates that you have a good grasp of the English language. Even with the little grammatical errors here and there, the way you responded to the essay clearly reflects and understanding of the prompt requirements. The information was obviously based on personal experience, common sense, and an understanding of how people truly use the internet. Excellent work.

Now, I would like to show you some of the mistakes you made with my corrections in place. I hope it helps you become a better writer :-)

Nowadays , thanks - you need to pause at this point as you present your thoughts.

For example , young peop - Just present the immediate idea. Don't waste time with fillers.

distance-learning COURSES in the best universities - You need to use plural form all the way because your subject is in plural form.

Please take note of the shortcoming in your conclusion. You need at least 3 sentences in it in order to make it an acceptable paragraph. Just add one more sentence and all will be well with that paragraph :-)

Some people will tell you that you need to use the complete word count in a TOEFL test in order to get a high score. Forget that. I took the TOEFL test myself and did not use all of the word count when I wrote the essay. The examiner took the content of my essay into consideration and gave me a near perfect score in that area. Therefore, an essay that will help you pass the TOEFL does not need to be long. It just needs to be informative. You are halfway there in my opinion :-)

Undergraduate / More than what they expected - Describe a circumstance, obstacle or conflict in your life, etc. [2]

Italy, you have a very informative essay. It really depicts your circumstances in life and how you overcame them. The problem, is that because you chose to present more than 1 obstacle, the essay became confused and hard to follow. The prompt clearly asks you to discuss only one obstacle or conflict. Not all of the above. So my advice to you is this; in order to shorten the essay and clarify it for content and prompt adherence, choose the one obstacle or conflict in your life that you feel will best be received or identified with by the reviewer. Then revise the essay to reflect only that event.

I don't really read much about the sexual abuse and its effects upon you in the essay so maybe you should not choose that topic. Most of the essay is about the way your parents rejected you. I think that would be a very nice topic to discuss further. You can explain why your parents saw you a certain way (since you did not really describe the circumstances behind it) and how you really felt when they treated you badly. Then you can explain how the Christian family affected you in a positive manner. Try to be more open about that episode and show us how you used their influence on you as an instrument of change in your life.

The essay has too much potential. What we need to do, is harness the best potential it has so that you can present a more concrete and heart tugging essay that will depict you as a survivor. The prompt wants you to tell the reviewer about how you react to immense stress and pressure in your life. Do you overcome and move on? Or do you crack and cave in? It is obvious in the essay that you are a person who overcomes, so try to make that more evident in your story.

Review your essay for highlight parts and omit anything that will simply prolong reading about the agony of your relationship with your family. You need to focus the essay on a singular topic in order to avoid reader boredom. The sooner you get to the point, the better your chances that the reviewer will actually finish reading and will consider the content of your essay in relation to your chances for admission.

Writing Feedback / Thanh tu Student - evaluated nail salon [2]

Thanh, the essay that you wrote is alright for a beginners essay. The thoughts are clear and have an obvious direction. It introduces your prompt quite well at the beginning and definitely draws the reader into the nail salon where you work. For all of these positives though, there are some negatives in your essay.

One of those negatives includes your lack of sentence structure knowledge. You need to structure your sentences better and use the correct English terms in order to make the essay flow smoother and make it more understandable. Then, you also need to learn how separate your thoughts or topics for every sentence into paragraphs. It is important to separate your essay into paragraphs so that the reader will be able to better follow the flow of your writing. Doing that will also allow you to better talk about your sentence subjects. To do that, all you need to know is where your next topic starts. When you start discussing a new topic, do it on a new line of the page. Do you see how I did that here? When I spoke about your essay in the first paragraph, I talked about all topics related to your introduction. Then I started a new topic line by talking about the weak points of your essay. That is how you effectively use paragraphs.

Now let me show you corrected parts of your essay. My corrections are written in capital letters.

Anyone who has ever been to A nail salon DO SO to make themselves beautiful DURING THEIR FREE TIME.

OTHER COUPLES COME TO CELEBRATE special days.

I LEARNED ABOUT THOSE REASONS BECAUSE I WORK AT THE "LAY TON "nail shop.

As the reason, I picked my nail salon because it LAY TON has A good work environment, friendly coworkerS, and nice customerS.

THE service is quick and good.

"LAYTON" Nail Salon is WELL located and provides convenient parking .

CUSTOMERS can easily to find other storeS such as A Chinese Restaurant, MASSAGE Spa

At Nail Salon, my boss decorated with white and purple, many orchids on the reception table. It looked fresh and comfortable.

THE shop has five- employees

All of them have worked THERE FOR two to three years or MORE WHILE I have only BEEN THERE

Although, we SPEAK languageS , WE GET ALONG

When we have worked WORK together

realized THAT they ARE very friendly and helpful.

They always TEACH me how to MAKE THE customer beautiful

solve problemS with customerS

There are situation when I worked with people who have many different diseases especially is diabetes. The coworker taught me how to avoid bleeding and if the bleeding will not stop flowing and I must very be careful having manicures and pedicures. And there are important lesson knowledge of the customer's health conditions also a potential danger for customer injury and helping myself avoid trouble - This is already too much information about your job. You don't need to describe everything in vivid detail.

Most of the customerS HAVE concerns

But I was very lucky

WE ensure the salon IS neat and clean

MAKE SURE THAT nail instrumentS are sanitized.

we have a lot of antibacterial soaps for the nail technician to use before and after DOING THE NAILS OF THE customer.

ensure THAT the HARMFUL chemicals are KEPT far way WITH closeD lids.

About your last paragraph, It is too short to be considered a part of this essay. The rules of writing dictate that a minimum of 3 sentences comprise a paragraph. So you need to add a few more sentences to that line.

Graduate / MBA Application essay explaining low GPA [5]

Ashwin, the reasons you gave also sound more like you suffered from homesickness than anything else while at college. The reasons you gave were really quite shallow (you did not like the food? Really? How did that affect your GPA?) A convincing reason for this type of statement is normally medical or academic in nature. Maybe you did not like the major that you chose before. Maybe you got severely ill during the semester and it affected your academic performance. But homesickness is not always an accepted excuse for a low GPA.

You can try to use this statement as it is though. While we may question the validity of your claims, we do not really know what sort of explanation regarding a low GPA the reviewer will accept. I can understand why you got mixed reviews for this from your friends and peers. Your story does not exactly respond to the prompt. Your last portion does not continue to explain why you had a low GPA. So you cannot use that portion in this statement.

Are these the real reasons you had a low GPA? If this is the truth then have faith that it will be seen as such by the reviewer and in the process, help your application. If I were you, I would blame the low GPA on the fact that I did not speak Hindi, which is the language that was used in the university you were attending. That is definitely the best reason to produce a low GPA. After all, how can you learn if you cannot understand what was being taught?

Writing Feedback / Do we become used to bad news? Information in the world today. [3]

Bobo, this is a good attempt at addressing the topic of the prompt. The problem, is that there were more than a single question for you to address in the essay.Somehow, you forgot about the other questions and addressed only one aspect of the prompt and not in a very good manner. Your introduction did not really work because it did not restate the various questions posed in the prompt. As you know, restating the prompt is one of the most important parts of essay writing. So you need to go back to your introduction, review the prompt again, and then revise the introduction that you originally wrote accordingly.

When you were describing the news editor, you used a backslash to indicate male and female sexes. When faced with a gender dilemma simply use the term "person". That way the position becomes gender-less and politically correct to read. However, in the rules of writing, it is said that the default gender for a person in the English language is always "He". So whether the word "person" or "He" is used as a gender reference is up to you.

I was reviewing your essay and tried to find any reference to the questions; "Do we become used to bad news?" , and learned that this was not addressed at all in the essay. I believe that this happened because you concentrated too much on developing your response to " What factors do you think influence these decisions?" as it composed 90 percent of your essay/

Your conclusion is also inappropriate because you responded, quite quickly I might add, to the question: " Would it be better if more good news was reported?" in your closing statement. Avoid mentioning any new ideas or discussions in your closing statement because, as you can see in your work, you are now unable to properly discuss and address the various related topics to that discussion.

Aside from those comments about the weakness of your paper, it is also a grammatical mess at the moment. I believe that you wrote this in quite a rush, due to the time limit in the practice test, so you did not bother to proofread what you read. Please remember to always run spellcheck when writing an essay in order to check for misspellings. Then of course, there are the sentence structure problems that exist. Needless to say, a revision is in order for your essay.

Good luck with your revision.

Letters / How should I write my email to my teacher? [5]

Johnny, use a very cordial tone when writing to your teacher. Explain the situation to him. Seek his advice regarding the situation. While you can imply that you may benefit from the upload of the previous and more complete podcasts before the test you have to take, you should never try to dictate that he do so. As the teacher, how he chooses to conduct his online classes, and whether he will agree to do certain things that a students requests him to do remain his prerogative. That said, you should construct the letter in such a way the he will pick up on your subtle request that he upload the podcasts and he will personally suggest that he should do so. To ask him directly may end up with him turning down your request.

As you write the letter keep in mind that you should also ask him for alternative sources of the information that you need. At this point, you may ask for permission from him to clarify certain points that you still do not understand from the previous classes during a special after class session if possible. While he may not agree to upload the podcasts, he may be more receptive to simply clarifying your questions during a tutorial instead.

Try to write a draft of your letter in the manner I have described above. Then post it here for us to review. Maybe we can help you write the letter better once we see how you structure it for yourself. Just keep in mind that uploading podcasts of previous lessons can be very time consuming and your professor may not have any free time to do that. So asking him for alternatives to the upload the podcasts should be highlighted in your email.

Writing Feedback / CAMS Grade 9 Narrative about Stepdad "Never Had I Seen Him like This" [2]

Hi Dominic :-) I am wondering if you cannot better improve the beginning of your essay. It just seems to me that there was a total demonizing of your stepdad without any proper basis. As a teacher, I would look for an example of your relationship with your biological father first, up to the time of the divorce, prior to the introduction of your stepfather. I would also look for a less evil characterization of your step father other than Hannbal Lecter. Throughout the story, there was nothing there to indicate that he had the instincts of a madman, and a killer. He never laid a hand on you nor tried to do anything truly evil. So perhaps using Lecter is overkill in this case? Try to present a comparison of the two important men in your life. Represent how your father treated you in order to create a more believable influence when describing the ill treatment you got from your stepdad.

Throughout the hurtful words of your stepfather, I am wondering where your mother was? Surely she would not have allowed the continued attack on your person to the extent where you cried already. I think that in order to believe that your stepdad was evil personified, we need to see that your mother at least tried to defend you to no avail.

When you talk about the part where your stepfather talks to you about scolding you to give you a hard time, go back into his character. Make it more interesting. Sit down and talk to him. What was his background? Why did he not know any other way to treat you than to berate you with his words? Tell us where he is coming from when he says "I care."

If you complete the background and characterization of your stepfather in comparison with your father, then your narrative will be quite interesting and complete to read in my opinion. You can review your essay and try to cut down on some parts, possibly on the various berating events, since we need only the strongest berating event in this case, so that you can have extra words with which to better improve the presentation of the essay. After the comparison, then we can finally come to understand why you finally connected with him as "Dad". If you can clarify that you father abandoned you after the divorce, then maybe everything will make more sense. It is just difficult for me to understand, as the reader, why you did not have any biological parent coming forward to defend you in these instances. That is the only loophole that i see in your story. It is a plot hole that can still be addressed at this point.

Writing Feedback / In this era, the media have held the prominent thing in almost all aspects [4]

Irfan, the topic of the prompt is asking you, as the writer to explain the advantage and disadvantage of living in a media-rich society. Therefore, when you give your opinion at the end of your introduction, do not refer to "the author" of the essay because that is you. Instead, you should make it clear that you will be discussing your ideas, beliefs, and arguments regarding the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media rich society. That said, I have to say that your introduction, the restatement of the prompt, and the sequence of discussion the succeeding paragraphs are unclear. So you need to go back and revise that part in order to make it clearer to the reader.

In order to better identify your second paragraph as the advantage part of the discussion, you should specifically mention the word "advantage" at the start of the paragraph. You could say "One of the advantages of living in a media rich society is that..." That way you signal the topic of the sentence and set the pace for the discussion in that paragraph. You kind of were successful at indicating something similar in your third paragraph by saying "wrong aim". While the term used is not grammatically correct, the essence or meaning of what you are trying to say is clear to the reader.

With regards to the examples that you used to illustrate your point, I have to say, these are weak examples and your line of reasoning in support of the examples are just as weak. You need to use more common examples for the positive and negative in order to show that you have a clear understanding of the prompt. For the positive, I would have discussed how social media has prevented governments controlling all news media outlets. The internet, thanks to blogging, twitter, instagram, facebook, etc. Have given rise to citizen journalism, which cannot be controlled by any single powerful entity. For a negative, explain how the same social media causes negativity because of the online bullying instances and stuff like that.

Your conclusion though, after reading it over a few times, shows that you tried to wrap up the essay in a proper manner, with a summary and restatement of your belief regarding the issue. That was one of the good points of your essay. It is an improvement :-)

Writing Feedback / Unethical methods of advertising - unacceptable in a society [3]

Jag, I hope you won't mind if I call you that. I would like to call your attention to the introduction of your essay. It is lacking in development. As you know, you need to restate the prompt in your own words before offering an agreement or disagreement with the topic. That is not found in your current introduction. You should never state that "The essay will agree..." In this type of essay, you must write from a first person point of view. Therefore, the pronoun "I" should be used in stating the agreement with the prompt. Do not use shortcuts when writing formal essays such as this. Therefore, it is not correct to say "paras". While that is acceptable in some circles, in the academic and formal writing circle the full word "paragraph" is the only acceptable term. That shortcut could cost you a point deduction in a formal English test.

Throughout the essay, you mention the ways that the advertisers unethical methods to promote their products. Yet you do not offer a solid reason behind why you view this as unethical. Offering evidence without supporting facts does not create a strong essay. You need to always make sure that you can back up your claims with valid reasons.

Try to limit your reasons to only one within a given paragraph. One well discussed line of reasoning is always better than several under developed reasons such as the ones you provided in your second paragraph. Those are a lot of representations of unethical advertising but there is one valid supporting argument existing for one reason. When you say a product has negative consequences, cite what it is as part of your claim that the advertiser practiced unethical advertising.

Try to avoid presenting additional reasons in your conclusion. An effective conclusion should merely end the discussion, not encourage more discussion as your conclusion currently does. Try to take note of these weaknesses in your current essay and try to address them in your next practice essay. If you follow these instructions, your writing and analytical skills will definitely begin to improve.

Undergraduate / Busy and the most sensitive summer 15 when something had been changed - Personal Essay [9]

Ali, the essay is too long. While I like the background of your visit, you have too much segue going on before you finally concentrate on the story itself. If you compare this to a movie plot, it is too slow moving. You need to pick up the pace and get to the meeting with Zhara sooner rather than later because that was the height or highlight of the trip for you.

I suggest that you review your essay for content. Look at the parts in the beginning that are causing the story to be slow moving. In my opinion, after you tell the reviewer about the exposure immersion trip to the depressed area sponsored by your school, and that you were interested in attending it (for film making inspiration purposes), you jump to the fact that you were chosen to join the group. Then from there, skip the part about the preparations. Those are not really necessary elements of the story you are trying to tell.

Develop the meeting between you and Zahra instead. Concentrate on how that meeting touched your life and changed you as a person. What was the highlight of this meeting? Why are you strongly supporting her desire to be a writer? How do you think that this event has inspired your desire to become a film-maker? Do you think you will ever make a movie about that meeting in the future? Those are some pieces of information that I believe would make this essay more interesting to read.

You must cut back on the activities such as the trip you had to the village and the music you were listening to. However, you can inform the reviewer that the planned activities for the day were completed. It does not have to be detailed like I said. What I would like you do however, is highlight your meeting with the little girl. What made you pick her out from the crowd? Take us into your mindset that attracted you to the child and prompted you to start what will hopefully be a life-long friendship with her. Then the essay will truly be a personal tale from your end.

Writing Feedback / The short story on Abraham Lincoln -- An Attempt [3]

Shehab, I would give your short story a rating of 4. The essay was too wordy to the point where you were mostly telling the reader what happened instead of showing them. When you write a short story, you need to remember to set up the background. Describe the setting, use dialogue that you are comfortable using. It is quite obvious that you are trying to use a line of language that you are not familiar with and that you used a thesaurus to complete more of the story using big words. It would have been better if you had just allowed the characters to speak in a natural tone of voice. The little dialogue that existed would have been more comfortable to read and engaging.

By the way, be conscious of your writing style. The term "kick the bucket" is a slang American term that really stuck out very badly in your story telling. It is not wise to mix modern English with what I would term "archaic" English. It shows a lack of research in relation to the way English was spoken during the era of Lincoln. Try to be consistent with the way you have the dialogue spoken and the way that you write your paragraphs.

With regards to the paragraphs, you need to work on the format of the story. Everything is meshed together on the page. There is a lack of transition sentences to prepare the reader for the change of scene or forthcoming event. Also, the narrative of the essay is too descriptive. You need to break that monotony by inserting some dialogue into it.

As a short story writer, your natural fallback will be to narrate the events. That normally works but in this case, the short story turned out to be a little bit longer than normal so you really have to edit the content. Try to relate some parts in quicker, more descriptively efficient terms. That will help hold the focus of the viewer on the story. Right now, there is a tendency for the reader's mind to wander due to the length of the story. Work on the continuity issues and the transition needs of the essay. Try to ensure that the paper will be easier to read and come to life on the page.

There a number of grammatical and sentence structure issues that exist in your essay. I suggest that you try to correct those yourself at this point because of the suggested revisions that I made. Should you successfully revise the story, then we can work on cleaning up the grammar problems for the final copy :-)

Graduate / "Its easy to make a buck, its a lot tougher to make a difference"- Masters of Public Admin entrance [2]

Victoria, I like the hook that you used in the beginning. It really reeled me into reading the rest of your essay. I believe it will do the same for the reviewer who reads it. However, as he progresses with reading your statement, the reviewer will realize that your hook, doesn't really have a connection with your desire to complete your masters degree. Just as I did when I reached your second paragraph.

If you are talking about making a difference in your community in the future, make sure that your hook reflects that completely. Instead of talking about your mother's statement fifteen years ago, talk about an incident when you were performing a civic act that brought you to this career conclusion. I really do not see any evidence of this passionate journey of yours in the essay. You need to elaborate on that in order to prove your mettle as a future in the field of public administration. Try to inform the reviewer about your past experience related to your interest.

Did you complete a college course that directly relates to this field? Do you work for some agency that deals directly with the needs of the public? Let the reviewer in on an overview of your college course. Name the organization you are connected with now and explain your work experience. Use that to paint the picture of yourself as a person with a passion for public service. Your work experience will give tell the reviewer all he needs to know about your potential to succeed as a masters student and future public servant.

It will also help your essay if you tailor fit your statement of interest for a specific university. Do some research with regards to their masters requirements for this field. Try to find out if there are any programs or professors that appeal to you. Mention these programs and professors by name while you explain how you see those things helping you to become a success in the future. Let the reviewer know that this is not a generic statement of interest that you are submitting to all your choice universities. Yes, some students actually do that and let me tell you, it does not work. The reviewer knows a generic statement when he sees one.

Try to personalize this essay a bit more. It does not offer too much about your professional potential at the moment. The reviewer needs to see the status of your interest in this field at the moment and what kind of potential you may have to become a leader in this field in the future.

Undergraduate / I know it's corny, but be completely honest. If it is trash, then say so or suggest changes. [2]

Ciera, was the question you posted before your statement the prompt you are responding to? If it is, please let me offer a piece of advice. Don't waste the word count on your common sense based question at the beginning of the essay. This:

Other than the obvious reason of most employers wanting you to have further education than high school, why exactly are students going to college?

is totally unnecessary to your response. It is also not necessary to restate the question when you obviously are working with a maximum word count. Try to use every word count in a way that matters to your application. Don't use it just to reach the word requirement.

I know that I am not very good when it comes to testing, but I am good at learning the material.
- You seriously do not want to tell the reviewer about any potential weak points. Even if it does seem like it will help your essay. That is never a good idea. Just work on responding to the prompt alone. That statement, doesn't really say why you want to go to college. It does not help the statement go forward.

Aside from those 2 sentences, this an overall good piece of writing. The response is crisp and analytical. Good work !

Undergraduate / "Funny Girl" - I just am who I am, for better or worse. Emerson College - Life Title Essay [3]

Laura, there is no need to reference Barbara Streisand in your statement. Nor is it necessary to explain the reference. I appreciated your statement more when I got past the part about Barbara and the reference to Jews. As you know religion is a socially explosive topic in the United States at the moment so it's best that you don't reference religion at all. Most specially when you end it the way you said it. It could come across in a negative manner to the reviewer. Remember, you are not sure if the reviewer is Jewish. Don't say anything that could possibly offend people. Err on the cautious side :-)

If you listen to me and you decide to remove the aforementioned lines, here is what I would like you to do. Come up with sentences depicting how you felt when people first started calling you a funny girl. Did you have any emotions behind it the first few times you were called a funny girl? What made you embrace the nickname? Why do you wear the name proudly?

Overall, it is a very good response to the essay. It does not miss or skip a beat and offers a clear depiction of who you are beyond the other aspects of the essay prompts. The only room for improvement is the reference I made above. Good luck with your application :-)

Graduate / Advanced Computer Architecture / Electronic Devices - Review SOP for MS in VLSI [5]

I can understand your reluctance Neeraj. However, you need to understand that because you develop software products, VLSI or Very Large Scale integration is directly up your alley. Remember, you already work as a software developer. Therefore, you build the foundation upon which the VLSI concept works.

Have you heard of the term Timing / Design Closure in relation to VLSI? That is one of the major challenges in developing VLSI right? I believe that you can use that as the platform by which you can connect your current software development profession with an interest in VLSI. It is my understanding that there is a need for multi-core and multiprocessor architectures in relation to the clock frequencies. The idea being that by lowering the clock frequency, the overall speed buildup can be achieved for a more accurate process distribution.Right now, it is quite difficult to maintain the clock skew on a chip.Doesn't lowering the frequency require some sort of software? Isn't that related to automated logic synthesis? A software creates that right? Isn't that something that directly relates to your ability to develop software? While you might think that the two are not related, they may just very well prove to be connected in a very important manner.

All you have to do to make this statement of purpose successful, is make the connection between VLSI and software development. That is why I believe that you can speak at great length about your software career. If you are still unsure, do some research online. You will find supporting information for my claim.

You can always make some sort of direct connection between your current career and your masters degree interest. The key, is to convince the reviewer that your claims are important for the future advancement of this field of computer architecture and your career development. Talk about some theory that you have regarding the relevance of software development to VLSI. Explain that it is an observation that you have made regarding the relationship of computer software with computer architecture. That should work very well for this essay.

Undergraduate / I AM STARING AT INFINITY - Essay for Film Studies [9]

Ali, your essay does not respond to the prompt at all. This is a preliminary storyboard that is not required by the prompt. Just write about how you discovered your talent. That is the story as far as I can tell from reading your "script". Be straightforward. No settings or what you have written now. The reviewer does not have the time to analyze what you have written and why. He needs you to tell him facts in essay form. He does not need a movie script filled with snippets of your life. You are not trying to green-light a movie project or a pilot T.V. episode. You are trying to tell the reviewer about a natural talent that you have. Stick to the prompt expectations. Do not deviate.

The essay at the moment will be disastrous for your application should you choose to submit it in this form. I have a very strong hunch that the reviewer will throw this away the minute he gets done with the first few lines. Do not use this. Revise it. Just write an essay. Do not make the reviewer think about the relevance of what you wrote. This is not a poetry class that implies what the writer means and asks the reader to discover or analyze it.

In order to truly respond to the essay prompt, take your inspiration from the point where your teacher spoke to your father about the art class. Explain how previous to that, neither you nor your family members thought you had any talent in it but that conversation changed the direction of your life. Then describe the related activities that have led you to this point of applying to a university for Film Studies.

Skip the part about not getting into the universities specializing in math or engineering. It is not related to film studies anyway. Go directly to the day when your friends told you about the film making school that gave an entrance test. Highlight the extraordinary accomplishment you made when you took the test. Talk about the training and the film festivals you joined.

If you just write about your experiences with regards to your inborn talent for the arts, you will be able to develop a good response to the prompt. Just don't do it the way you are trying to do it now. Write an essay. That is what is expected. Don't submit a script. That will not respond to the prompt the way it needs to.

Graduate / Advanced Computer Architecture / Electronic Devices - Review SOP for MS in VLSI [5]

Hi Neeraj ! I noticed that you did not develop your work experience at the software company. Why did you shy away from discussing that? That portion is actually the most important part of your essay. It should be way up in the introduction part and fully developed to give the reviewer an idea as to your professional growth at the moment. Introduce that background as the basis for your interest in higher studies. Use it to gain the interest of the reviewer. Right now, the introduction is the weakest part of your essay.

Can you revise the introduction to your essay? It really sounds like you are trying to lecture the reviewer regarding information that he already knows about technology and electronic devices. Reviewers of this caliber do not really appreciate being talked down to, which is what your introduction ends up doing. I suggest that you open the statement with a stronger motivation for your interest in the course. Perhaps, you can mention highlights from your professional career at the moment to indicate that all too necessary motivation to apply for admittance in this course of study?

While anybody can appreciate your extensive college background in electronics, what the reviewer will be more impressed with would be any reference that you can make to any seminars or training courses that you more recently attended in relation to your current profession. Again, this is because the reviewer is looking for a solid direction with regards to your career path. Those seminars will tell him that you are a serious professional with the work experience to support your desire to seek and achieve greater things during your career.

I understand that you are proud of your college credentials. However, as a masters degree student, it is understood that you have some sort of professional background and/or career plan at this point that has led you to seek further studies. Your professional prowess, any successful professional activities you have undertaken, will impress the reviewer far more than the litany of college level accomplishments that you have right now. Show off your potential as a professional, don't bank on your past glory days. You will be studying far more complicated lessons now so you have to prove your professional and intellectual maturity for these vastly higher levels of study and training.

Avoid mentioning anything in your SOP that will not shed light upon your purpose for study. Information such as your extra curricular activities and your achievements in that area are not necessary to your statement and should be removed from this essay. Save that for a more relevant common prompt.

Undergraduate / SOCIAL MEDIA - Blessing & Curse; Undergraduate Essay-Challenging a Belief or Idea [3]

Monica, there is certainly room for editing in your essay. Your first 2 paragraphs, to start with, can easily be deleted because it just takes up space but is not really directly related to the incident you speak of. Don't waste the reviewer's time, always start off your introduction with your hook so that you can entice the reviewer to continue reading your paper. If you waste space with a very long introduction, you are sure to lose his attention.

In the meantime, I was able to bring your essay down to 625 words. I am posting it below. I made some very minor corrections, by replacing a word here and there, that I hope you won't mind :-) I also spaced the paragraphs for readability and topic discussion.

When I noticed that a handful of senior boys had decided to single out an openly homosexual junior for his flamboyant YouTube videos, I was compelled to step in. I decided to privately message the openly homosexual boy, (let's call him X) to encourage him not to let their insignificant, ignorant opinions change him. I ended the message with my favorite quote: "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

The drama soon subsided, but as I was basking in the glory of my good deed, I was faced with a massive moral dilemma. X, whom I had just praised for his individualism, posted a new video titled "Annoying People at School". Intrigued, I began watching, only to see him blatantly mock several of the special needs students that I work with. Appalled, furious, and utterly torn, I weighed my options.

I feared what the all students who had commented supportively would think of me if I spoke up, yet I feared what I would think of myself if I remained a bystander. With respect towards homosexuals being a very touchy subject among young people in America today, I was obviously nervous to offend anyone. Even though I am aware that I am not homophobic, I feared that others would have the misconception that I was if I gave X anything less than praise.

Ultimately, I decided to speak up-classily, of course, but forthrightly nonetheless. I told X that the kids he had impersonated are incapable of controlling their actions and that he had no right to label them as "annoying". I also exposed his hypocrisy by articulating the fact that if he wants others to tolerate and accept him for who he is, he must practice what he preaches and follow the golden rule: "do unto others as you would have them do to you." My comment was followed by an unforeseen amount of support for the disabled children at my school--so much that X ended up deleting the video.

This experience not only taught me a great deal about standing up for what is right, but it also taught me a lot about myself. I realized that I am entitled to have an opinion as long as I am respectful and kind about how I choose to deliver it. It was also brought to my attention that we as a society have not yet achieved a balance between tolerance and bigotry.

X, for instance, is different, and people fear confrontation with people unlike themselves. We fear insulting those who are different, so we walk on eggshells around them, often overlooking the wrongs being done by those who have been wronged. What those who are craving and fighting for their equality, like X, often neglect to realize is that equality means that they will receive equal punishment for their wrongs in addition to equal praise for their rights.

The next time I am confronted with a situation like the one I experienced that day, I will be sure to act in the same manner that I did. I truly believe I made the right decision, and that I acted without expectation. I did it not for praise or acknowledgement, but simply because I believe that being a bystander to an injustice is equally as immoral as committing one, and that being "too nice" does indeed have its consequences.

If injustices are overlooked, they are also enabled. If I had conformed with the rest of the commenters and neglected to address X's hypocrisy, it is highly likely that he would continue to repeat his behavior for further praise. In the end, the confrontation I dreaded was nothing in comparison to the lessons it taught me about tolerance, speaking up, and myself.

I really appreciate the essay that you wrote. It was an excellent, dare I say, perfect response to the prompt. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done :-) Review this version of the essay and then let me know if you want to revise or edit it some more. I'll be glad to help.

Scholarship / The courses that I choose relate to my previous academic or experience and plan for future [3]

Yun, your statement exists as somewhere in between a personal statement and a statement of purpose. Which is it? Can you please give us the prompt that you are trying to respond to so that we can better analyze your statements and offer you more relevant advice? At the moment, it is hard to decipher which direction this essay should be headed in, which parts can be omitted, and how we can help you edit it.

Please note that writing an essay in this format, without paragraph separations for the different topic sentences, makes it highly difficult to read and results in reader fatigue. The closeness of the words and the constantly connected sentences make it difficult for the reviewers brain to keep track of what it is reading. It also does not offer the reviewer a chance to receive the impact (if any) of the statement that you wrote. There is a definite lack of paragraph development because you did not bother to separate the topics into separate discussions via paragraph formatting. All I can read are overviews of your responses. Summary answers that do not really connect you to the response. It is almost like you just wanted to get over with responding to the essay requirements. That is never a good sign for your essay. It does not help your application in the least bit.

Basically, I view this as a weak essay, not because of the grammar problems, but because of the formatting issues. It also lacks a clear prompt topic to respond to. There is still a long way to go before this essay is even ready to be considered a draft. I hope that you can still work on the content with us. I look forward to reading the prompt for your essay. Thanks :-)

Scholarship / Rebel soldier. Close-mindedness - QuestBridge Additional Essay [4]

Ayla, I agree that you should keep this particular essay less self-centered because of the way the prompt was set up. So here is what I think you should do. Find some other problem within your community, unrelated to you, your beliefs, your character traits, that you believe needs to be addressed. In other words, find something you have a strong opinion about, but be distanced enough from the issue that the essay stops being about you and the way the town treated you.

For example, you can address the issue of the school system, the town economy, teen jobs, etc. Something that directly relates to the everyday life of your community that you feel is being mishandled or not being addressed by the town powers that be. Then you can discuss your opinion on the matter and, this is one of the important aspects of the essay, even though it is not mentioned, give a summary of what you would do to change or remove the problem.

Sometimes, you need to go a little over what the essay prompt is asking for. If they ask you for a problem and why you think it is a problem, don't you think that your possible solution is also necessary in the essay? No matter how brief your solution explanation may be, it will show the reviewer that you feel quite strongly about the issue since you even came up with some sort of solution to the problem. That will show conviction and determination on your part. Which is something that can only benefit your application. By discussing the community problem, you give the reviewer an insight into the kind of member of the campus community you will potentially become. So you show the reviewer something personal about you from a different and very important angle.

If you do decide to use this prompt, I hope you consider my suggestions for responding to it. Don't be personal. Instead, be community centered and civic minded :-)

Writing Feedback / "Moving to a New World" - (from Pakistan to the United States) - Personal Statement for college [2]

Tayyaba, you wrote a good response to the essay. However, I don't really think that starting the response out from when you were 5 years old is really the way to go here. I mean, at that age, it will be hard for the reviewer to believe that you already had a point of view about life that could be as earth shattering as you portray it in your essay. I think you should choose a story or incident from your more recent past. While I encourage you to include the information about being an immigrant, it would be better for your essay if you can come up with a more recent experience that can tell us about your current world.

Be it academic or social, a current perspective is always best. After all, you said that things got better for you over time, show us that you indeed assimilated into the American culture in a successful manner. Start your story from when you began aspiring for your future in America. When you started dreaming about that American Dream for yourself. I believe that started around high school. Tell us about that world and how it affected you as a person and helped shape your personal world.

I like the mention of how your parents helped you adjust to the American way of life. I would have liked to have read more about how your mother influenced you and helped you dream and aspire in life. By the way, would it be possible for you to talk about what your dreams and aspirations in life are? I think if you open your essay with a statement about that, then work on reflecting upon how your previous experiences helped you develop those aspirations would be a nice way to present this essay. Perhaps you can talk about your mother and her influence upon you to become an independent woman. Quick reminder, watch out for those plural forms. Your mom is a single person so the term you should have used is "independent woman". Women is the plural form of woman.

I would like to caution you against discussing any form of mentioned or unmentioned religion in the essay. Try to remain neutral in that respect because religion does not really play any role in your college admission. It could however, bring some unnecessary questions regarding your character traits and beliefs, to the mind of the reviewer if you discuss the effects of religion on your life. I would opt to discuss something else in order to avoid that. Maybe you could expand upon the influence of your father and mother individually upon you instead. Yes, I think that would be better and less controversial to discuss :-)

Again, you can better represent the world you came from. I hope my advice can help you do just that :-

Scholarship / A big journey KGSP personal statement, "Are you ready" / "I love U?" My passion for languages [2]

Karen, most of your essay manages to respond to the prompt requirements in a creative way. However, I really don't think your first paragraph, the introductory statement is necessary in this case. Always try to start your essays by presenting the immediate information being asked for. You do not need to create a background or a setting for it. The reviewer does not have the time to read through the set up before getting to the actual information. One option for a new introductory paragraph for your essay is to start it immediately with what is now your second paragraph. That certainly serves up the immediate answer to the second prompt requirement and will allow your essay to gain the interest if the reviewer in the process.

Another approach would be to open the essay with your motivation with which you applied to the program. Don't leave your motivation response for the end of the essay. Bring that up to the very beginning instead. It will immediately address the prompt and allow the reviewer to see the connection between your desire for the scholarship and your achievements in life. I suggest that you explain why you believe that this scholarship in particular will be the one to benefit you the most in your quest to become a film maker. Normally, the motivation to apply for the scholarship ties in with some sort of relationship between your interests and the objectives of the foundation. Find that connection and present it to the reviewer. Make sure you present a convincing argument about it.

As for the title. I would rather you rephrase it to indicate "A Long Journey" instead of "A Big Journey". The reason I suggest the title change is because the essay depicts the long road towards success that you took before you began to collect awards and accolades. To say "A Big Journey" is just grammatically wrong. There is no such thing as "A Big Journey", just " A Long Journey".

There are a number of grammatical errors in the essay that need to be addressed. Before correcting those though, I would like you to first polish the content and responses of your essay. It is easier to correct the grammar problems when we know that you already have your responses on target. Once you do that, we can tighten the focus and message of your responses :-)

Scholarship / Executive and co-founder of the Information and Communication Technology Students Association [6]

Nana, this is an interesting response to the prompt. You just need to develop the information a bit more and remove some parts that are unimportant. Let me point out which part I believe you can delete and make suggestions as to what can replace it.

You can go ahead and delete this line:

Being one the officials that has immense knowledge in ICT and awarded the overall best ICT student for the 2012/2013 academic year,

You already said that you were an official in the first sentence. So the next sentence should describe your duties and responsibilities. You don't need to talk about the awards you received because that is not relevant to the prompt being addressed. What was your job as the executive and co-founder? What were you expected to do aside from tutor students? Did you need to help raise funds for the group. Mention and discuss that in about 2 sentences.

Mentioning that you tutored students is good for your response. It shows a duty and involvement in the community on your part. The first part and last part of the response is good. It gives a clear response to the prompt. The only problem I see with the essay is the aforementioned line. It can be better and I know you can improve it within the word count :-)

Scholarship / How I managed to understand this phrase: "Practice makes perfection" - 'challenge' scholarship essay [4]

Nana, you are not really responding properly to the prompt. While you are talking about ICT, you don't really reflect an obstacle or challenge that you had to overcome in order to help your community. When the term community is used, it connotes a more personal relationship with people such as your friends, family, and relatives. Gaining skills in ICT and tutoring other people is something that anyone interested in the same thing can do. So you cannot use that as the response to this prompt. You need something more convincing and character describing.

For example, you can describe a situation when you were told you could not do something but then, through sheer practice, you got better at it over time, surprised those who said you could not do it, and then eventually, you got so good at it that you managed to help or teach someone else. A good example of this would be "riding a bike."

If you were being taught how to ride a bike even though you did not have a bike and did not have a good sense of balance to be able to stay on the bike then you have an obstacle to overcome. Finding a bicycle and improving your riding skills are those obstacles. Let's say your brother was trying to teach you using his bike then he gave up because he felt you could not learn how to do it. He told you that you cannot use his bike anymore.

You were determined to learn to ride. Your parents did not want to buy you a bike because you did not know how to ride. So you borrowed a bike from your friends and neighbors. You taught yourself. Then eventually, you got so good that your parents bought you a bike. A few months later, while riding your bike, you saw your younger neighbor on an old and rusty bike. He did not know how to ride it. You taught him how to ride. Now, he works as the grocery delivery boy because he can ride a bike already. Thus, you both embody the saying "practice makes perfect".

That is an example of a challenge or obstacle that you faced which ended up benefiting your community. Try to find a story in your background that is somewhat similar in slant. Look for a person you were able to help in the past because you learned to do something that person could not. By helping that person, you helped the community somehow. That is what the prompt is looking for as a response. Right now, your response is weak and not really interesting. You need to get more creative within 100 words :-)

Scholarship / How did you become interested in your area of academic focus? What influenced your choice of this ma [3]

Hi Anna, listen, the way you spoke about how teaching kids ASL had a great impact upon your academic focus really left me amazed at your dedication to your future job. You clearly made the connection between the focus and how you plan to continue to use the influence well into your permanent career.

I noticed that you said that you will be having Math as your academic focus. So I am wondering as to why you talk more about your experience with ASL students as a volunteer instead of talking in great detail about your interest in Math? Your experience (if any) in teaching / tutoring the subject, and any other experience that could help the reviewer understand that this is your chosen focus. Maybe you could pull back o the ASL experience and try to integrate some of that information in the Math aspect of your statement? I don't really think you need to introduce ASL in the story because it confuses your academic focus.

When I first read your paper, I read the part about you concentrating on math and then immediately forgot about it because the next statement in your paragraph concentrated on ASL, which is another area of academic focus totally unrelated to Math. You spoke in great detail about how that experience influenced your decision to become an educator. However, I believe it confuses the essay so I suggest that you focus on only one academic focus, Math. Then try to use the teaching experience you got from ASL in such a manner that it can be assumed that you gained that experience while tutoring / teaching other students about Math. Talking about ASL immediately after saying you want to focus on Math and then issuing only short paragraph about Math towards the end makes it seem like you have 2 academic focuses. Tighten the paper and concentrate on the academic focus you are absolutely sure to pursue in the future. Don't confuse the reviewer.

BTW, I found something to correct in your essay:

then they changed their mind every year - the children continuously do this so it is a present action.

Undergraduate / Unforgettable quotes from the literature - Amherst essay [3]

Seoyoung, while I admire your essay for being quite insightful, I believe that the essay requires a more personal touch. If you notice, the essay speaks of a moment in time when a person lived and found himself the happiest. The prompt spoke of how happy that person was and how saw he was away from the field that made him happy. I think that you should respond to the essay along the same lines. Don't be literal and talk about literature and how you feel about it. Talk instead about something that you feel makes you happiest and how you feel away from it. In a way, speak of yourself as looking back on the past and reflecting on your life.

What could that moment be? Think of a very special time in your life when you felt happiest. No, I am not talking about when you were reading a book and thinking about its meaning. Rather, reflect upon your life during that time. Did you feel alive before you had that experience? For example, you are a person who is not really adventurous. Yet, one day, you decided to go white water rafting. You were afraid for your life as you hit the rapids and you fell out of the boat. As you struggled to avoid drowning, you felt a rush of adrenaline, a shot of life. Talk about your life before then. Then talk about your life after that incident. It made you a white water rafting aficionado because you feel alive every time you feel yourself almost falling out of the boat. That to me is the best way to overcome death.

The best way to approach this essay, in my opinion, is to write about it in relation to your own near death experience.Real or imagined, the response needs to show that you have "lived" and have been "sad"before then. That you found what makes you happy to be alive and has completed you as a person. The response to the essay does not have to be about literature. Rather, it should be about the celebration of your life during a time when you felt disconnected from it.

Writing about literature is most likely the expected response to this essay. It is most likely going to be the most common answer that the reviewer will come across. So try to be unique and memorable. Talk about the prompt in a different manner. Read the prompt again and try to find the deeper meaning to it. Respond accordingly. I believe it is about the celebration of life in the face of death. Maybe you will find another meaning to it :-)

Writing Feedback / Can we lose our cultural identity because of the mass communications and transport? IELTS TASK 2 [4]

Bayu, the information you present is quite good and informative. However, the grammar issues still abound in your essay response. I'll try to help you correct them once again. Read the way I corrected the sentence and try to remember how I structured it. Please try to revise the essay using the examples that I provide in the form of corrections. That will help you with your grammar and sentence development during your practice tests :-)

Some people believe it will lead to THE wipe out OF EVERY the NATION'S culture.

Even though GLOBALISATION CARRIES AN IMMENSE BENEFIT

transport will vanished our cultural identity.

Technology in transportation such AIRPLANES gives us

a lot of benefit SUCH AS TRAVELING THE WORLD IN A MATTER OF HOURS.

mass transmittal information media ALLOWS us

Youtube has provides billions of videos in

every category INCLUDING movie TRAILERS, recent news, or A NATIONAL CULTURAL event.

I extremely agree - A simple agreement will do. Such strong passion is not required in these types of essays.

It happens in developed COUNTRIES SUCH as Indonesia.

The youngsters of Indonesia ARE inclined to learn western culture RATHER THAN their own NATIONAL culture.

among young generation people in Indonesia.

In addition, thanks to AVIATION technology which BRINGS more foreign people come to another country , IT DISRUPTS the ORIGINAL way

Your conclusion is weak when compared to your introduction. I suggest you try to not introduce any new ideas as part of your conclusion and simply wrap up the essay with a summary of the discussion.