Undergraduate / (potential to study for an Access course) Writing Exercise - Formal Tone/Narrative? [4]


Well your full name appears at the bottom of each post! But that is a good thing, because it shows your authorship of the essay. As for repercussions that may result from collaborating in a writers' group like this, I think I would not want to be part of any school that discouraged such collaboration. EssayForum is cool.

The way to know how to condense the essay is to go back to your purpose. What is your purpose? This is not just about writing but also about everything in life. Any words you use that do not promote your purpose are words that thwart your effort, because they distract the reader from your message. That is what efficiency is all about.

So... what do you hope the reader will DO after seeing the essay? With that in mind, cut the content that does not help promote your purpose.

So, what is the main message of the whole essay? Keep that single message in mind, and you will know what to do. :-)

Writing Feedback / Essay : study at home by using technology in the future? [3]

Thanks, Dumi. I'll give only a little help because Mishal only gives a few words in response to other essayists!

First, difference the between...

study from home using technology and traditional schools is that studying from home is comfortable.

When I study, I can use my computer to find anything I want. For example, if my teacher gave gives me assignments, I can do it complete theme at my computer .

:-)

Essays / Born in India, I chose FIT. [2]

Hello,

I think your thread may have been deleted as the result of leaving meaningless or unhelpful feedback for other people. If that is not true, I apologize. I did notice that your essay was deleted, which may mean that one of the other moderators thought you were not participating appropriately by helping others. I do not know if that is true or not, so if I am wrong please accept my apology.

If you have not given any help to other essayists, please go to the Unanswered list and comment on people's essays. Here is some feedback that I typed for your essay just before it was deleted (see below),

:-)
Susan


When I read this first paragraph, I think it should not be the first paragraph. I think it should be paragraph #2. You should add an intro paragraph before this paragraph, and give a thesis statement that tells the reader about the concept you want her to remember after finishing the essay. That sentence above is not interesting enough to hook someone's attention. It is just informative. I think it is GREAT as the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE for paragraph 2, but not as the first sentence of the essay.

I like the ending. I think you should mention a few more short term goals to show the reader what you are working on right now to prepare yourself.

Also, having heard recommendations by friends, learning about the FIT experience from students, a nd getting my questions answered on time made it easier for me to choose FIT, wherein where I could execute ...

:-)

Graduate / Eyes through the world - my personal statement (applying Finance master) [18]


It is not confusing. It is not 2 ideas. It is one idea. You have a particular interest, and it is like a story the reader can enjoy. The reader can enjoy your interest in going overseas and studying finance in a new setting so that your learning experience, with "global insights," can be profound.

I think you did a great job with this new draft.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The success of a community and people's willingness to limit their personal interests [4]

When people dream the same dream, all (all what?) becomes one; but if the partners touch an incongruity and burst into fracas, the cooperation will be terminated, as spontaneously as foam is stabbed. (I don't understand the last part. Can you compare it to something other than stabbed foam?

Literature bears a world of miniature and insinuates values in daily life.---This is a great sentence, but before you get into using lit as an example to explain your argument, you should make your argument in a clear way. Tell them to what extent you thin a community's success depends on people's willingness to limit their interests.

Were the member of a community climbing to conflicting mountain peaks, they will would never stand the national flag together.

You have GREAT exampless But I think you should lengthen the intro and conclusion. They are the parts of the essay that actually express your message. The rest is just evidence.

Undergraduate / "thankful for a fruitful education and opportunities" - bump in the road [3]

I see a great opportunity for something funny here:


:-)

Look at all the themes:




I think you should put all these together to form one meaningful idea to share with the reader... what does it all amount to?

when I was placed in accelerated classes, where I can could fulfill my full potential.

Capitalize: motto by Napoleon Hill "Whatever the...

Alright, i see that at the end you did indeed share a meaningful theme with the reader. That is very good! I think you should express it again in different words -- a thesis statement -- and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph after the sentence about your mother always making sure you were healthy and there was food in the house.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Taking a Risk to be Me" LMU SUPPLEMENT [2]

It's god if you give some acknowledgement and discussion to the person who already responded. That is how we create great, thoughtful threads and people feel appreciated for helping others.

In an essay like this, you are able to accomplish a lot of things. You can show that you write well. You can show that unlike most kids you put a lot of thought into planning your future. If you are really good, you can even give the reader a valuable experience of reflection; the reader can really enjoy what you write, just as she enjoys a novel she reads for pleasure. What did you accomplish here?

I think you accomplished something great: proving that you write and think very, very well. But it is also true that you are explaining the question to them instead of demonstrating that you have thought a lot about planning your future. What specific obstacles will YOU face because of your specific goals?

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App - 'I lived in Shanghai; it wasn't a question of if, but when.' [3]

Capitalize both word in the name of the program: Museum Management

... about my career choice; I couldn't even drive. (right here I think you should add a thesis statement that tells the reader the main message of the essay, and then END the first paragraph.)

paragraph 2:
While I was hesitant about...

To learnn more about the correct use of commas, read Strunk and White. Actually, there is not "correct" use. It is a matter of style, and everyone is different, especially as many people all over the world learn English and change it in beautiful ways.

According to Strunk and White... you should use a comma every time you put 2 sentences together as a compound sentence.Of course, there are other uses, too. You write very eloquently, and your use of commas looks good!

Use a colon instead of a semi-colon here:
My experiences here also led me to my chosen career path: post-secondary education specifically Asian History with a concentration on Modern China.

This is a great use of a semi-colon:
It also seems silly to have spent all this time learning how to live on my own and then deciding to continue living with my grandparents; I need to put these skill to use. ---Excellent, the semi-colon functions just like a period. :-)

Undergraduate / Ryerson Radio and Television Personal Essay 2011. [5]


When you get to the end of that first paragraph and give a sentence that will linger in the reader's mind for a moment while s/he transitions to paragraph 2, it is a very important sentence. It is the sentence that the reader will accept as the theme:


But this does not seem to be the MAIN theme of the essay, so I look further:


This expresses a main idea, but it is not enough just to say what you want to do. A THEME is a concept that you share with the reader, something unexpected and new. You have a lot of great ideas, so it will be easy for you to ATTACH a concept to your drive toward success in this chosen field of yours.

BTW, I especially like your use of smeared here: " biggest smile smeared across my face" ---very clever and poetic!

Writing Feedback / An adventure (a Christmas party on December) [6]

This is a nice place to use a comma:
...with my favourite food, which is curry chicken.

And another comma... actually, a semi-colon will be good here so you don't have to use 'and' too much:
Then, I played chess with my cousins; my cousin won the first round, and I won the second round.

Every time you have a compound sentence, it is good to use a comma:
Soon, my mother called me in, and what a surprise I had when I walked in! My father and uncle were holding a bag which was made by my mother with my name on it.

Capitalize the name of the song: I sang jingle bells.

This is written nicely, but it does not seem to really have any message or theme. What it the meaning of it? I would like it if you took some time at the end to give a message to the reader, some thoughtful idea that you took away from the experience.

You must have a great family! :-)

Undergraduate / "CPP student in ARAMCO, Chemical engineering" - unique qualities [3]

I have an idea for rearranging some sentences:
It would b is hard to imagine a world without gasoline, plastics, paper or any other chemical products used in daily life. At an early age, I was impressed about how cars can run and where the fuel is coming from or how it is made. I learn ed that chemical engineers are there to convert raw materials into end products like food and fuels. (Right here, add a thesis statement that tells the reader the main idea you want her to remember.)

That thesis statement I want you to add above... do not make it a statement that simply says, "I want to attend MU and enroll in chem engineering." The goal is to put an idea in the reader's head about a mission you are on, something important to you, your unique way of approaching your chosen field. Make the reader notice your uniqueness at the end of that first paragraph. To do that, wait and relax. Wait for a moment of inspiration.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Is television a very useful tool when it comes to education? [3]

...and has only insignificant positive effects on a child. This essay will show my opinion for both views. Instead of saying this, you should state your own idea here at the end of the first paragraph. Take a stand, and assert your opinion.

Inevitable does not fit here:
No one can deny that TV is an inevitable a source of...

To sum up, I have an impression that TV is mainly used for leisure purposes. Therefore, it is better for a child to avoid using TV as a tool for education.---This sentence should be at the end of the first paragraph. It is always good to end the first paragraph of an essay with a thesis statement that tells that main idea.

:-)

Dissertations / Phd in research - rural marketing [6]


Well, you have to become knowledgeable enough to be aware of the problems in your chosen field. Experts in a field know about the problems, the areas where more research is necessary. Remember that research can solve a problem by informing practice, by saving money, by improving safety, or by eliminating some dysfunction. If you were the best researcher in the world, and could solve any problem in your chosen field, what problem would you solve?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Leadership and ethics.Situation you have dealt with these issues and influenced you [5]


Yes, just change the sentence above to be one about leadership and ethics. The pressure to maintain a healthy cash flow is related to both leadership and ethics.

Writing is art, but it can also be mechanical in the sense that you can take that sentence above and change it to establish any theme you want.

Then, go back and change the end, too.

Out of 10, I would give it a 6 because it is not a story that makes a reader feel intrigued and unable to stop reading. For that, you need a catchy concept of phrase at the beginning. If you frame this story within a super-intriguing concept, it can be a 9.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Soccer is my favorite sport" - Elaborate on your extracurricular activity. [4]


Do not include sentences like this. This sentence is uninteresting, and it is obvious. Make sure every sentence helps to express one big idea... the idea that makes you want to write the essay. You want to leave the reader with one big idea...

never underestimate an opponent, never give up, leadership...I like your way of writing, but you express a lot of different ideas. In a space like this, you only have room to powerfully express ONE idea. So, make it an interesting idea that the reader will really enjoy. Focus on just one idea, and let every sentence help the reader understand and appreciate that idea.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Should juries have access to information about the defendant's. IELTS Task 2. [3]

Let's try to improve this first sentence a little bit:
The decisions made by juries, which can interfere with a person's future, can be very challenging for the defendant.

Like all jobs, which try to discover the truth about an event the discoverer needs enough body o f evidence to do deliberately research and find the truth. In law the field of law, the main role of the jury could be as that of a researcher who needs more evidence , which could be for or against convicting a defender.

Do not say In one hand... Say, "On one hand..."
In On one hand, a criminal cannot become an outlaw person overnight. ...

To put i In a nutshell, I believe...

:-)

Scholarship / "A graduate of Civil Enginineering" - statement of my purpose for scholarship [3]

...the imaginations of men ?? What about women? How about this: ...how human imaginations are transformed into enviable pieces of fascinating bridges, magnificent multi-storey buildings, and other enviable pieces of structural art.

Capitalize Internet

to make a meaningful impact on my world.

:-) nice job!!

Undergraduate / "My father's hospitalization" - short response, academic history [2]

This essay is written well, and I also like the changes Kelsey came up with... Now, the thing you can add is a reference at the beginning and also at the end to your intellectual interest and your areas of special interest in your chosen field. Let it start and end there. Instead of starting by saying what happened to your dad, start with reference to your ongoing interest.

Then, tell the story and finish by referring again you your unique interests and your plan for achieving your goals. :-) The subject of the essay is important within the context of your plan.

Undergraduate / Centre & Union College Optional Liberal Arts, Leaders [6]

Here is the way to trim the excess and begin with an excellent sentence:
It is often said that there are leaders and followers. I would argue that there are some who never get the chance to lead despite their earnest efforts. I consider myself a member of the latter group. In the past I have ended up in places with an established pecking order, and when you are new in a place as I was you always end up at the bottom with many people to clamber over. ---This sentence I left in the essay is a GREAT sentence to start with.

The sentences I cut actually reveal a misconception about leadership science. Regardless of the established hierarchy, you can apply the principles of scientific leadership wherever you go. And being a good follower is what an experienced leader does when someone else is taking the lead. So... good leadership and followership come from the same understanding, and that understanding can make you able to act like a leader no matter what your rank is among others.

I as a student have always loved learning,---here, I don't like the ambiguity. You should focus not on a general love of learning but instead on some of your specific interests. You don't have to commit to anything, but express specific interests and search for some common theme among them, a theme that defines you.

:-)

Scholarship / "Do good and make the world a better place"-Scholarship Essay [3]

In order to make the world a better place, we all need an education. No statements of the obvious allowed! The higher the education, the more knowledge we will have to make the world a better place ---the reader knows, so do not waste words.

Because I want to pursue a career in psychology, I could be able to influence into the minds of the children of our future.

Capitalize: Just like the saying says, "You have to start small to finish big," sta rting at a college level could be nominal for certain people however, for people like me college would ...---I had to connectthe 2 sentences together, because you started with "Just like the ..."

I like your theme of "getting into the minds of people." :-) Do not include any statements of the obvious. You have a great idea, so make sure you use all good sentences with action verbs and imagery words. :-) Make every sentence count.

Undergraduate / I want to be raised by Dinosaurs-Brandeis essay-Feedback [3]

To have correct grammar, it is best not to end a sentence with a preposition:
This is the definition of dinosaur that with which I identify. with .

Since I altered the definition of a dinosaur its only fair I do the same for the others. ---Ha ha, very clever. Not many people would come up with something cool like this.

I feel that being raised under dinosaurs would be the best for me.---yeah, unless they eat you.

Great job! :-D

Undergraduate / "I'm not a type of guy" - Common application [6]

But that thing that has made me different, I need to express as a quality, not a way to show off.---this sentence is not necessary. You can show the reader what you mean instead of telling. this sentence should not end the first paragraph. The sentence at the end of the first paragraph should express the message of the whole essay.

During my childhood, teachers always considered me as an excellent pupil, and

Capitalize every word of the class title:" when I began "Economics and Social Studies*" courses.

Outside school, I have learnt to be more understanding and open-minded, considering that anyone can undergo the same experience. ---This is where I become very interested. I wish you would express all the stuff that comes before this in only 2 or 3 sentences. That way, you can have the focus of the essay be on the change that occurred for you. You don't have to include all the details, like the teacher's name, etc. The reader does not need to know which grade you were in when changes happened. The reader needs to be taken through sentences that express a really excellent, interesting theme.

Even if I know that i will not always receive a reward, I set the objective to succeed in everything I would start. This is a little too simple and obvious, I think. Dig deeper for a unique theme.

I really like that last paragraph. I just think you can cut some unnecessary details and leave only the excellent, interesting sentences.

Undergraduate / "Teachers' balance of power between them and students" -Essay about honord code [3]

I'm sorry it took so long before you got feedback!
First, capitalize French.
Also, that balance of power you mention does not seem like something bad. I think maybe you mean that some teachers liked to establish their superiority of power over students.

Capitalize all these ---... other is jewish, muslim or christian. arabic ...hebrew ...english.

Spelling: metaphor ... promess promise
foundind founding an intellectual community, which...

includes every single person working with or for the college.

This is how man men become brothers.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Search for American Universities" -experience you had during your college admissions [2]

I am really stressed because I do not know where to start. Over With more than 1,000 schools, it is not easy to find the most suitable school for my choice. Meanwhile, the final ex ams come nearer, and that make me really worried.

Be careful to correctly use the past verb tense:
In the morning after finishing the trial exam, I surfed the Internet and searched vietbroader.org. This is the website that Vietnamese students who studied abroad in USA created to help younger students gain more knowledge about studying in USA. ----Cool!

Moreover, I also received some...

Some of universities that I know sent the request letter to me, and that helped me understand more clearly about those universities.

You seem like a very serious and dedicated student. I think you will do well! To improve your English, practice turning present tense into past tents.

Take a present tense sentence and practice changing it to past tense:
Some universities send me letters.
Some universities sent me letters.

:-)

Writing Feedback / CRIME RATES are increasing due to uneducated people migrating to the cities [3]

Hey, I think this essay is solid. It's a well-made argument that absolutely does show strong evidence that crime rates increase when more and more people go to the city, and also due to cultural differences, and the other reasons you mentioned. This is a strong essay.

One criticism might be that it is too obvious.

It can be more specific and less obvious if you make a specific suggestion about what should be done. That will make the essay more meaningful. You just said you want to see government "handle the issue," but that does not really meaning anything. So... take a stand, and make a suggestion. I think people should be able to go where they want to go, so what would you say to that argument. :-) Make an assertion about what government should do.

Graduate / Management positions, professional growth, knowledge: reasons to pursue MBA program [4]


I think a sentence this obvious has no place in your essay. An obvious sentence makes the reader not want to pay attention.

After my bachelor's degree in Business administration Administration, I worked in an multinational company---This is the only meaningful part of the first paragraph. I think the rest should be cut.


Too obvious. I think this goes without saying. I think this is not a good use of a sentence. I know it is a true statement, but the essay can only be powerful if you focus on creating a kind of experience for the reader.

as well as a salary that has a potential to increase from MBA degree. ---again, too obvious.
The point is not to tell them your practical reasons but instead to tell them something you feel strongly about. You might feel a spiritual calling to do socially responsible business and improve employees' lives, or you might feel strongly about providing a great life for your family. You might feel strongly about improving the country's economy through good business. Express an original passion at the start of the essay, and let it inspire your writing.

What makes you most emotional? Start writing from there. :-)

Undergraduate / "passion for science and technology" - UPenn: Jerome Fisher Program essay [2]


This claim is weak until you substantiate it. It gets the essay off to a weak start. Anyone interested in science can make such a claim.

Capitalize Internet.

I think the whole first paragraph is unhelpful. It shows that you write well, obviously, but you have an opportunity to do something more than just acknowledge the coolness of science. You need to show the reader that YOU are determined to do something specific. That is what inspires readers.

The second para is great. Capitalize Christmas.

hyphen: problem-solving

You did a great job with this, for sure. I just want to see a new first paragraph! It is eloquent but insubstantial. Tell the reader succinctly what you intend to to and why upenn is the best place... perhaps you are a fan of some of the profs that will be teaching you because you have seen their articles, books, or other publications? Perhaps there is research going on there at upenn RIGHT NOW that inspires and interests you. Make it real for the reader. :-)

Graduate / "dynamic approach to architectural studies" SOP - the reason for choosing our school? [4]

Well, "admire" is usually a word we use for another person whom we revere and aspire to be like.


I don't think this seems sincere. Any school with an architecture program will encourage students that way. So... the important thing is to figure out something meaningful to say. What is the real reason you would want to go to this school instead of a different one?

The best reason is when there is a particular prof whom you admire. So, you choose this school because of the prof whose articles/books have inspired you.

:-)

Graduate / "Lessons learn from your failure and success" - Essay for Master in Public Policy [2]

This intro is not good. The reader knows that skills are not only classroom knowledge. You need an intro that expresses the main idea of the essay. That way, the reader will know what it is all about.

We are were confident that we then had a chance to ...

Excited about this opportunity, we put tremendous effort into reading business papers and...

Being regretted regretful and disappointed, I learnt a...

Nice job! Your thoughtfulness and reflection are impressive!

Undergraduate / Programs in Kinesiology, reasons for choosing -University Of Waterloo Entrace [5]

My educational goal is to Undergraduate programs in Kinesiology: obtain a degree in Bachelor of Science (BSc) Honours.---This is not a goal. This is a means to an end. You get the degree because it will help you achieve your goal. The degree is not your goal. So... mention the degree when you explain that it is a necessary step toward your goal. So, tell about the goal that you think will be a meaningful way to spend your energy. What is the real goal? :-)

I think you did a great job explaining why kinesiology is the right field for you. You can improve it by citing an article or two. Show that you read recent articles pertianing to kinesiology, because you want to learn the latest practices and theories.

The University of Waterloo is a famous top ranked university in Canada. They already know this.

Recently Maclean's magazine has once again recognized the University of Waterloo as having the best reputation of any Canadian university. Do not write stuff that appears on the website. They already know.

Waterloo is a dream school for me, because it meets both my academic and athletic needs. ---This is the important part!!! Write more about this. Show why it is the right school for your unique plan. Most students do not really have a plan.

Scholarship / "an antonym to success is failure" - Scholarship: What does it take to be succesful? [3]

That first paragraph is really interesting and nicely written. In order to balance the philosophical aspect of it, I think you should add a sentence a the end that is clear, specific, and practical.

I am going to cut some words here, and the cutting of these words will make the whole essay better:
Senior year, my best friend and high school's SGA president convinced me to run for SGA vice President. (Actually he forged my name on the sign up ballet). I told him repeatedly ...---look at it without those words, and you will see what I mean.

What a weird comparison! ---> My face froze like a devoted wife would after discovering her husband cheated with a younger woman.

looked at all the sticker wearers as if they were that younger women. ---alright, I guess I like it! Great job.

At the end of the essay, I think this is too simple. ----> In the words of the late Aaliyah "And if at first you don't succeed dust yourself off and try again"---I think you can come up with a more memorable theme, perhaps something related to your chosen field.

You wrote a great essay! I think you should edit by looking for sentences that are unnecessary and take them out. Cut the words down so that it is as intense as possible, with no unnecessary content.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Skin already determines a life style" - Race essay [2]

I'm going to eliminate as many unnecessary words as I can:
There are various types of shades of "black". Some are light skinned, caramel, mil milk chocolate, or even a very dark brown.

It is the act that "acting" "black" in the new "race".----the word 'in' confuses me here.

She refers to "black" people as people who are "uneducated."

Normal every day wear but now today if your skin is this way you must dress that way and act like "them" You must act "black". ---This is all messed up and I don't know how to fix it. A period is missing, I think, and it is strange to start with the word normal.

... his Ph.D. in psychology.

Ah, this is really full and complete, a really nice essay.
:-)

Undergraduate / (potential to study for an Access course) Writing Exercise - Formal Tone/Narrative? [4]


It can be formal in the sense that it is well-structured and presented in a serious way that reflects a respectful attitude, but... everybody loves a story.

Your job is to entertain the reader and offer sentences that feel nice to read.

Here is the important thing to know for good structure: Make the first sentence of every paragraph a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE that expresses the main idea of the paragraph.

One paragraph = one idea.
The first sentence in each paragraph tells the idea, and the rest of the sentences in the paragraph explain it and give examples.

All paragraphs are about ideas that relate to the main idea of the whole essay, which you talk about in the intro and conclusion.

Start with your main idea, your message to the reader. Write it in a sentence, and take inspiration from it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / If we learn to peruse the meaning of happiness, the life will be beautiful - SAT [2]

That first paragraph is very eloquent. All of this is eloquent.

Here is a part that is 'extra' fat to be cut:
To be frank, t The indelible movie film Life is Beautiful significantly influences my attitude toward plights. The Orefices' family had been the most auspicious one in the world.

The little son was cherubic, like an angel disseminating wishes and fortune to the whole family as well as their dreaming bookstore.---I am so impressed! But the last few words here confuse me... as well as their dreaming bookstore? I think the sentence would be more powerful without these words.

This really is some beautiful writing. If I must criticize you, I'll say you use too many adjectives. Modifiers weaken writing unless used sparingly, like jalapeńo peppers.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Technology offer a place to involve children to share their unique ideas [5]

You don't need any advice or correction. Your English is already perfect. You write with correct grammar, and most people who speak English as a first language can't do that. It is great, and we are lucky to have you participating here.

I'll make a little suggestion:

Not only getting th In addition to getting advice, using the Internet also can cluster those people who have the same interest.

Your writing is not only correct, but also poetic and eloquent.
Because you do not need grammar advice, I'll give you advice about argument. If you want to be persuasive, consider the arguments that would be made by someone who disagrees with you, and explain why those arguments are not better than your argument.

Undergraduate / Merging onto the Highway, my sign of independence -University of Richmond [5]

I'm sorry I did not get to participate before the deadline, but I'll give my ideas anyway for whatever they are worth.

The first paragraph is about something very common and boring. Can you make it unique somehow?

I was given such a chance as my Dad allowed me to drive where compliance to with driving laws was non-existent, the highway.

This whole essay seems to be all about learning to drive and feeling a sense of accomplishment from it. But couldn't most kids write this same essay if they have learned to drive? The essay is not about what it should be about.

I think you should, if you work with this essay again, scrap everything except this part:
an essential part of driving in the highway that seemed to slip my mind; merging onto the highway.----Use this as a jumping off point, and write an essay that uses merging onto the highway as a metaphor for something.

:-)

Undergraduate / "hope is itself our life" - Cristo has had a significant influence on me [5]

Everywhere its darkness and silence, no light not even any shiny sparkle to be seen---wow, beautiful... I really enjoyed this sentence because of the part about sparkles. I think "its" is being used for "it is," right? Use an apostrophe: it's

Capitalize:
Once I have asked myself: "what What is the life?" - Unfortunately I didn't get the answer I expected, since I heard about...

"I have a hope, and I always used to be".---unclear. What does this mean?

Excellent... you have a great style. Let's just try to clear up the meaning of this sentence above.

Writing Feedback / TOEFLE SPEAKING-Most impressive event, Spring Festival China [3]

It sounds awkward if you say sons twice:

On Spring Festival Eve, sons get back to their parents' houses with their sons and wives.
On Spring Festival Eve, people return to their parents' houses with their sons and wives. Two activities are necessary for a family to celebrate Spring Festival Eve.

Another activity is to play enjoy fireworks. Ancient Chinese thought ... most exiting and interesting moments they may share with family. (Let's add one more sentence, because this paragraph is very short.)

Without either of the two, Spring Festival cannot could not be perfect. Chinese people take family as the most important part in their lives, so they cherish Spring Festival, which provides them a chance to have a family reunion.---This last sentence is beautifully written! :-) Congratulations, I think you have mastered English.

Undergraduate / "something exotic about India" - Bryn Mawr - what I think I will gain and contribute. [3]

I like this intro... very cool. I'll remove a comma below. Even though it seems like you need one, you don't:
... are about living in India but have little to do with the fact that I am of Indian ethnicity or that I am surrounded by people who make curry and wear saris. (Right here, before ending the paragraph, add a thesis statement that actually tells the message of the essay, the answer to the question you raised.)

All the material above should be one paragraph. That is what I think. It will be an eloquent, solid intro that ends with a thesis statement. :-)

Graduate / "Hard work pays off" - Health Care, General Personal Statement for MPH [3]

Trying to figure out what to write to group of extraordinary professionals to exude about the type of person I am is one of the most difficult tasks I have encountered thus far in life.

In any case, I promise to be truthful. (Right here, add a thesis statement that captures in a single sentence the main idea of your essay, the idea you want the reader to remember).

... help my mother pay for school clothes (Now I can appreciate the experience better, because I am older, and that's more hard work than some are willing to take involuntarily).---I fixed this sentence a little, but it is still not completely clear...

...to continue my education on at a graduate level by working toward more specifically a Master's of Public Health in Health Policy and Management.

:-)