Writing Feedback / The educational process - Parents are the best teachers? [7]


You have not introduced the topic to the reader. I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you need to improve the structure of this introduction to score marks.

Writing Feedback / Same amount of money for students' sports activity/ university library? [6]


Well.... this looks like a direct answer to a question.However, this tasks you to present your essay writing skills and it would give you marks to those particular features.

Undergraduate / My passion for Public Speech; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [4]

Well .... I have a concern as to whether you answered this prompt properly. I find this is not exactly describing something that is central to who you are.

Undergraduate / Why is BU a good fit? community with a rich mix of individuals [5]


You have a word count constraint. So, try to make use of each word you write. These lines sound a bit too general. Try to use every word to answer your prompt which is why you think BU is a good fit for you. Don't bother about saying what others consider when they apply. Tell them why you want to apply to BU.


Again this line does not deliver a more focused reason as to why you think BU suits you. Avoid such sentences and use every line to elaborate on why and what features of BU make you believe you are a good fit there.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay; in what way the money should be spent. [2]


this sounds a bit odd... compensate damages of the wars? You could have said some people struggle to meet their daily expenses or something that is too obvious.

I find your writing is not well aligned with what your prompt asks. It is more important to have clarity and flow of your ideas as I always mention in my comments to others. It is also very important that you do not go out of topic and stay with the topic throughout your essay.

Undergraduate / I lost my school ID card; University of Virginia [2]


I lost my ID card several times that put me into trouble of getting a new one and entering the school.


I found many others having the same experience.


Therefore, if I am given some funding, I would work on setting up a team and design a bio-metric system that can recognize fingerprints of students in order to replace the traditional school card system.

Writing Feedback / Overpopulation; Major effects and Possible solutions [2]

I guess you are preparing for IELTS. It is good to mention this purpose in the title itself so that others can provide you with more relevant and meaningful feedbacks.


.... overpopulation is a pretty common word and almost everybody understand its meaning. There is no need for defining it in the hook.
Overpopulation is one of the most burning issues faced by many countries in the world.


You already said that all people would not be able to find employment and that is what unemployment is. So this sentence is redundant.

Scholarship / Struggling for a better tomorrow. [3]


I feel these two lines do not contribute much value addition to your response because these are general stuff that do not talk about yourself. They are interested in knowing If you have a word count constraint, then these sentences should be replaced by lines that have more meaningful contents to support your answer.


You should have started with this.
Also, talk more about what you did to face the challenge and how you managed to overcome those problems. That is what more important for the admission guys.

Undergraduate / My mother never returned; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [5]

The garden no longer seemsseemed invigorated with life and the house looksbegan to look solemn and decrepit.


.... a strong idea - very impressive :)
Deportation of my mother made me value many things in life, most importantly her, that is something many in my age do not value.


Her absence also motivated and inspired me to grow up to be a person with high morals and qualities.
Well, I like this a lot. It's quite touchy and you have presented it very impressively. Good luck with your life and of course with this admission too :)

Undergraduate / Uchicago supplement essay - Do animals feel pain? [6]


OMG.... I don't know how I missed it.... Well it is on the top of your essay and there is no way one can miss it out. I hop from one thread to another and may be I was too tired when I had a look at your essay to make such silly error. Sorry about that :D

Ok....let me now go through your essay having the prompt in mind :D


I think the answer for this question is too obvious and therefore I like if you have a small shift with regard to your question.

Why do people kill animals knowing that it would cause them a lot of pain?
This is just a suggestion, you can present it more creatively.

Graduate / Letter to faculty professor about applying for MS Computer Engineering [4]

Well.... may you need to practice more with time. It's the most deciding factor on your score for all four tasks equally. The more you practice the more you become confident and better. I think you don't have a problem with skills, but may be you haven't prepared yourself for facing these tasks properly. TOEFL and IELTS are not exams that test your English to a very high level, but they are two exams that you cannot handle without serious preparation :)

Dissertations / What the theory I should use to examine a sojourner's process of adaptation? [2]


... you need to rephrase these lines in order to improve clarity;
This novel is about Ikal, the main character, who travels in Europe, Russia and Africa. He gets the opportunity to travel in these countries freely because he was granted Schengen visa being a student in one of the French Universities and also he is a holder of OIC (Organisation of Islamic Countries) .

Undergraduate / TWILIGHT; Became confident more than ever [3]

What is the prompt ? You should include that with your essay for others to understand your writing better and provide you with more meaningful feedbacks.


... This sentence is pretty confusing, better rephrase :(
She used Wren and her two friends Pace and Alex as examples of real heroines in our lives.


... split this into two sentences;
This remarkable fiction did teach me a valuable lesson for life. That is you should stay committed to your goal and strives hard until you reach it if you want to be successful in life.

Scholarship / MY EARLIEST ROLE MODELS; Cornelius Vanderbilt Scholarship [3]


... this sounds a bit confusing. I wish you better rephrase it;
I was raised by health science and medical professionals.



Well ... you give the impression , though indirectly, that you grew in such background and that's how you developed your interest. I mean that is what implied and get the reader to feel. Now again you say how your interest began. I think you better re-do this section to have more consistency.

Writing Feedback / I plan to live in the United Kindom! [4]

Good job and effort by Aminopasta! :)


Some may ask me "Why?"


... the last reason is pretty confusing to me :(
There are several reasons for this; First it is the concerts and raves, secondly the scenic beauty of landscapes and the magnificent historical buildings. Lastly, I can have my pet whom I longed to have with me.

Writing Feedback / Television damaged our interactions and made us disconnect from each other for several reasons. [3]


.... You should have stopped with the first part because that makes lots of sense. The second part is somewhat weak :(


... your prompt speaks of only one side of the argument and it asks whether you agree with that.
Some people view that television has disturbed our personal communication and disturbed the relationships that we have with friends and family.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Should governemts spend money on art? [2]


... actually, you need not to give examples in the introduction. Your body paragraphs are the places meant for examples. I feel this line sounds better without the example.


.... express your opinion more directly. Make the reader feel that you firmly hold that position in the argument. Also, this is not a position on the issue- which is actually about government spending on art. You need to clearly say what side you take on the argument;

Personally, I believe that art contributes positively to our society and therefore the governments should spend money for the development of art forms.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK1; consumer durables (telephone, refrigerator, etc.) owned in Britain [10]

Good writing. I only suggest you a small improvement in the structure;
1. Introduction (


... this is absolutely fine for the intro)
2. Overview (discuss the main trends very briefly)
3. Details (this paragraph should contain more details such as statistical analysis, data etc.)
So, your second paragraph needs to be split into two paragraphs- overview and details
Anyways, very good writing :)

Writing Feedback / Private funding for education may encourage citizens to become less dependent on a governments [6]

Ok.... the easiest way to handle both the quality of writing and time is to follow an essay structure that contains all necessary features for you to earn marks. It is always faster and easier when you train yourself to follow a certain pattern that do not let you miss out important points.

Undergraduate / I spend a majority of my time in Room 24, the home of Titan Shield; USC- Extracurricular [2]


On my friends' recommendation, I joined Titan Shield during my sophomore year and soon it became my second home.
Even though it is only a high school newspaper, Titan Shield serves as an outlet for me to convey my ideas and express my creativity in a professional, yet unique ways.manner.


.... this is a strong sentence. :)
Overall, I think this is a good response. Wish you good luck with your application!

Graduate / My most consistent endeavor has been design; SOP [4]


I feel this provides a better hook for your SOP. It gives a clear picture about how your passion for designing developed.


Ok.... here you tell them what your future goals are. Then tell how this program would help you achieving them. That is the only thing I find missing here. Otherwise, I think it is a well written SOP.

Good luck with your application!

Book Reports / Lord of the Flies; What does Golding say about human nature? How does he say it? [2]


.... the latter part is a bit confusing.... what do you man by "authoritative figure among them"?... I think your introduction needs more clarity and may be you talk about that fact later in the para.

The novel runs on a fictional story line about a group of English boys who get lost in an uninhabited island during an outbreak of a world war.

Undergraduate / What happened in the men's bathroom - Central to identity [9]

This is exactly what I too feel. It is absolutely well written and you display excellent writing skills. My only worry is that you never know how admission officers would take it. This is what I found out from a website about this prompt.

Undergraduate / Uchicago supplement essay - Do animals feel pain? [6]

It's good if we have your prompt here to give more meaningful comments. Is this for "something that goes unnoticed"


I am fully with you... I too have often asked this question from many people who does fishing for pleasure. It's nothing but selfishness.

The problem with this argument is thethat research in this area has been ambiguous and largely inconclusive.


... progressing and forward have close meanings and hence progress makes forward redundant.

Undergraduate / "Management of drainage systems"; Lehigh Supp [6]


If I missed submission on time I would have to sacrifice 50% of my grades. ... Yes, now it sounds much better.... you have a more important case now :D


I think this is detailed a bit too much. Let's cut it down a little bit;
As I was walking towards my school, a very heavy shower began unexpectedly. Soon the roads got flooded with dirty water that overflowed from the poorly managed drainages. I was left with two choices; should I stay until the rain will cease and the roads would be clear from dirty water by sacrificing my grades?. Or should I continue my walk in that unbelievably dirty water to save my grades?. I chose the latter and managed to save my grading, but it took a few weeks for me to recover from that horrible experience.

Undergraduate / "Management of drainage systems"; Lehigh Supp [6]


.... sorry... it was a mistake I made in my comment earlier :D


You hardly can escape form the pools of dirty water on the road as a result of overflowing drains due to heavy showers. .... I think this is much better :) Another error of mine :D


This fails to reader's curiosity :( There's no sensattion in this piece of writing. A normal day, a normal class and everything still stands very normal and ordinary which is not giving the reader understand the importance of having water management. If it is something like you were late for the exam due to this issue, then it carries a better weight. Hope you got what I mean. This incident should come with a punch to the reader.

Writing Feedback / College and attaining a degree will give you a chance to more successful career. [6]

Don't give yourself a hard time for that :D


Students are left with two choices when they finish their high school career. (this is your hook - write something interesting that is relevant to your topic and also gives the opportunity for you to enter into your background). They are either to get employed straight after school or continue studies at university or college to specialize in their choice of filed. (a little expansion on your hook- this is not always necessary- now you can start introducing the background of the issue) While some people view higher studies pave the way for a successful career others believe that starting a job straight after school helps one earn valuable experience that would be beneficial in progressing in his or her career. (this is the background of the issue). However, I believe that attending college or university provides a better foundation to a successful career.(clearly state your opinion)

Writing Feedback / College and attaining a degree will give you a chance to more successful career. [6]

It is believed that going to college will help you have a better and st able career rather than taking up a profession directly after school.


You write very well and this is a good introduction. However, you better have a few structural changes here in this intro to earn marks at the exam.


.... you can write vdery well and you do not have to worry too much about the band score. Pay attention to the structure more that can earn you marks and at the same time helps you handle your time for this task efficiently. :)

Speeches / Riyadh / Al-Taif - compare two cities; check grammar [3]

Today I'm going to talk about two cities I visited them in last summer. I visited Riyadh in June and in the next month I visited Al-Taif. They are both in Saudi Arabia and they are an excellent in attracting tourists. And the people in Riyadh were as kind as those live in Al-Taif.

But there were many difference between thisthese cities. For example, Riyadh was more interesting than Al-Taif and it has some great modern buildings and a lots of shopping malls. And it has many lovely restaurants from every type ofcountrycuisine in the world. But inon the other hand, the weather in Al-Taif wasn't as hot as in Riyadh. It was very cool and wonderful. And Al-Taif has a lots of traditional restaurants and they were very good. And the houses there were very simple but the hotels were expensive as equally expensive as in Riyadh. But the hotels in Riyadhalthough they were moreas not comfortable than in Al-Taif.as the Riyadh hotels.

Finally, I prefer Al-Taif because I loved the weather there and it is the quietest city I know.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; The Internet Vs Newspapers - Which is more powerful? [4]


I suggested you the appropriate structure for the introduction in your other thread and hope you would follow it . It will help you earn marks.


This simple idea you have presented in a very complicated manner. The most important thing in essay writing is clarity of your ideas. Also they should flow logically. Then only your essay would be powerful in attracting the readers' attention. Avoid redundancy - today and modern world both mean almost the same. Also the part " as a means of broadcaster" is unnecessarily crept into that line.

Today, the Internet is the most popular form of media due to convenient accessibility and speed.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Importance of academic and non-academic subjects [5]

It's good that you express your opinion before concluding your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Internet and video games; ASSIGNMENT [7]

I know you are new to this forum. However there are a few forum rules you need to follow when you open your next thread ;

First have a meaningful title for your essay in the subject field (this one is attended by us). Then open your thread in the right forum category. This was opened in "Undergraduate" forum and we did transfer it to Writing Feedback which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. By following these rules you can earn more meaningful feedbacks from others too.

Undergraduate / They suffer Malnutrition and traumatisation; Vanderbilt Sup- Extracurricular [5]


We often take things for granted and never realize their value until we meet others who are deprived of them.


.... combine these two lines together.
Just a few borders away form where I live, children suffer from malnutrition and trauma in their war-torn countries.


I saw with my own eyes the struggle of the pediatrician to save the lives of Syrian children whilst improvising medical procedures at his best ability.

Undergraduate / Ohe Efe Bo; UW-Milwaukee Admission Essay; Life experience/ talent/commitment/ interest [3]


But her two words "bounce back" meant to me more than everything else
Well.... I have a few doubts about this response in terms of its relevance to the prompt. Your prompts asks you;


What you've written sounds more general and nothing in particular. I think this fails to satisfy their expectations in knowing about what they intend to know by this prompt.

Writing Feedback / With the advent of television in the XX century, people started to change; we became better persons [4]

Good introduction :) I feel the last line should have been kept in present tense.
Many of today's T.V programs help us to learn about new things in this world.


... gaining is not incorrect. But "acquiring" sounds better. :)
Other than a few small errors, I think you've done a good job. You asked me how I would rate your essay in your other thread. I am not good at that task and also that depends on the person who would mark your essay too :D , If it is me I would give you 4/5 :)

Undergraduate / Student Diversity and Cultural Fusion;WHY NYU? / Academic intersts [3]


... I feel the flag is not very important to mention about because it is not as important as other things you said there. I also wish if you combined these two sentences;

I probably would not have heard the names of their countries nor I would be able to pronounce their names properly


.... I think it is a common hope and not mutual


I feel it is better to tell why you love this exposure - whether you are interested in history, architecture, science etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS letter- apologise to your friend for not being able to meet him/her [5]

Let me help you with this :)

Dear John,
It was such a pleasant surprise to receive your mail after a very long time. I am so happy to know that you love your new job. I am both happy and sad about your trip to China. I am happy because you are coming to China, my birth place. But at the same time I am really sad that I will not be able to meet you when you will be here. While I apologize for my inability to meet you and take care of you while you are here, I hope you would understand the reasons.

Writing Feedback / Six different categories of families living in poverty in Australia - report [2]

I think you have written this in preparation of IELTS Task 1. It is always good to mention the task in the title so that others would provide you with more meaningful feedback. Also, you should use the feature "Attach file(s)" to upload the graph which is very important for others to know when making comments on your writing.

If this is for IELTS Task1, this is the structure you need to follow;
1. Introduction
2. Overview (major trends)
3. Details

Scholarship / "Did you just roll your eyes at me young lady?"; Humorous story [3]

I read this full and enjoyed :) I find it's well presented... By the way, the purpose of writing ( I mean the prompt) is not clear to me. It is always good if you include the prompt with the essay so that we can check the alignment of your writing with what your prompt requests.

Good job!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is more important to keep your old friends than it is to make new friends [3]

Well ... your essay looks like a direct answer to the prompt. However, you need to present it in a style of an essay and therefore you need to pay more attention to the essay structure.