Undergraduate / From Taiwan to the United States -UC Personal Statement #1 - Describe your World [5]

I thought this essay was very nicely written. Although there were some things I want to change, I'm holding back because it flows very nicely..

I didn't move here only for the American dream and freedom, but beyond all these dreams/aspirations/__something about the US , I moved here to reach my ultimate aspiration of helping people and contributing to the world.

I love your writing style. You shows independence and determination.

Mind reading my essay for me ? Thanks

Undergraduate / 'Big colleges' - benefits of a diverse educational community [2]

It is also a final step before entering society.
I felt I had arrived in a new world.
This state is so different from my home country.

"I believe big college can give me more opportunity to meet variety people. Since college is little country for student and I discovered that a big college is perfect for me because I want to have a larger pool of friends." Woah! total difference in tense/wording. big colleges* Since college is a small country for a student, I want to join a larger one so that I can find a larger pool of friends.*

I want to continue meetinginteracting with

OMG VIRGINIA TECH >_> AND KOREA :| -.- |: .-. lol. sorry I couldn't resist

You don't really mention, other than in a few lines, what you see as important in a diverse educational system/community.

note* are you applying through the common app?

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Topic of your choice - Dreams Deferred [40]

Are you referring to Langston Hughes' poem?
second to third paragraph transition is not existent. Try focusing your essay on a single topic and mention that in your intro. First twothree look like a sob story. Maybe say that you couldn't find something you were successful at until junior high, and thereby you had "dreams deferred"?

hopes, but when

nonsensical! don't make yourself open to attack...don't put yourself in a lowly position where things all fail around you. maybe mention that these events occurred, but if possible, show how they changed you, earlier in your essay

I could have braced myself, deciding to be satisfied if I just cleared once out the sixteen cuts. [what do you mean?] bestow his favor? I'm confused, kissing is not a favor, it's a show of affection or friendliness depending where you are from.

"I love to daydream. It's what drives me and challenges me to do my best." main focus of your essay. mention how this allowed you do work in different areas, to try different things...instead of focusing on your days of moping.

the harder it will fall ,
I had to realized

Yes, I guess you are referring to that poem. If you want, make references to that poem that reflect your situation, that you don't want dreams deferred because they implode and cause people to go crazy, that you want to keep dreaming and achieve if not all, at least some that will still satisfy you.

Undergraduate / Moral to the story? "Wheels and other round things" [3]

what's the essay topic? I'll try reading through to round things up a bit.

why haughtily? HOT!ILY ^^ jk.

old, and
Almost half of my life at this point had been plagued by fruitless attempts to abolish themy rickety training wheels. [fruitless sounds interesting. abolish sounds wierd, but I guess the meaning is accurate enough.]

of person
implorations [is this a word :? haha]
"path of least resistance" is used twice in the same paragraph. I would try not to use the same expression one after another.

option, without
I place myself somewhere in between; taking on challenges when appropriate, but knowing my own limitations. [semi-colon is used incorrectly? it's supposed to split to independent clauses. the second one is dependent]

middle school and approached

"As middle school and approached and passed by, I did finally learn how to ride a bike. The old hatred, however, stayed within me. I would only strap on a helmet and mount a bike when forced, and I was never sorry to get off. In the seven years that have passed, I think I may have ridden a bike only five or six times." Maybe say this earlier. It flows with the rest, but maybe not so much in an admissions essay.

implored [begged you?]
That last paragraph is a hanger. Lots of information but why? If you want to use your current essay, try reformatting, maybe say in the beginning that phrase used by your sister. Then go from there, show how that is true...or place the "moral of the story" at the end..

I'm still confused about the topic, what do you have to write about?

"I think you could bring out your actual thesis a little more rather than focusing on the whole kissbiking thing. I didn't really get what the essay was about very easily" :|

*edit: ok, so the open topic, still I think you need a central theme in your essay other than just your distaste for all things round. Maybe say that this is something important to you , but expand on it...

Good luck with you apps!

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

For majority was, yes it sounds better in some cases, but here in context, I thought majority were fits more...because even if I add, The majority of these people (were/was), grammatically, was is still right. I'm stumped.

I think, just a random thought, that English conjugations have some unsolved mystery.. :]

well, maybe it's because "I were" is used in a past conditional tense (past progressive?), so possibly some old English scholar declared we use some other tense.

Look:
If I were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If you were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If he/she/it were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If we were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If you were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.
If they were to...eat any more turkey, I'd go gobble gobble.

I'm not sure if these are correct, but they sound familiar and so I think I would fall into a trap of using them.

Gobble gobble :<

*btw, how do you quote other people? I know there's a button on the side, but does that really quote anything?

antimoon.com/forum/2005/6314.htm
*how do you embed a link :|

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

Found out about the different layouts... need to open the EssayForum.com picture to see the things on the side..
and logout is through the profile page.-could that button be moved to an easier to find location?
for those who use this site on public places, that would make it easier to log out.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: inspiration and reality [2]

sentence 2 from intro is a hanger. its not complete?
small but yet alive
me, opportunities [because you use though, you need to continue the sentence...] this last sentence is rather strung out,. make it more concise.

"At such times, inspiration also stood at a distance waiting for me to not only find it but make good use of it." [I'm confused. what do you mean?]

"meeting the same people but in apparent different faces" what does this mean? masked people?
"In terms of wanting to see the existing and harsh side of the world."[another hanger]
[same with the next sentence. I'm not sure if you're going for a poetic effect or not.]

had gotten adivorced [this sentence doesn't flow too well]
my mother decided [use active voice even if this was a passive event]
TAIWAN IS NOT A PROVINCE >_> I PROTEST >_> lol. no offense taken :|
I occasionally visited This is weird, I copied your essay to Word to test for passive tense. It said only 3% passive sentences.
that resided there .

Portraits of underdevelopment, scarcity, and deficiency painted all around not only terrain but in the faces. < The terrain not only painted portraits of... but it also painted the peoples' faces as such. [consider this change if you like it.]

The rural landscape was covered by nothing but unfertile soil cracked by the lack of water and harsh winds. [why include this sentence? it THIS your world?]

I was aware Taiwan's weather was not the most convenient nor the most pleasant but not once did I imagine to what extent it had affected the population there. [I think you meant "not once had I imagined the extent to which it had..."

Each time I went back to visit my mother as visitor, I was preoccupied with the excitement of returning and overwhelmed with a sense of reluctance. [Why? Explaining would be a better painting of yourself]

Try rereading what you wrote, It will be easier for everyone to read and understand.

fourth paragraph's first line is somewhat informal.

"a daily basis, somehow when ..."
the sentence after this is too strung out.
who, not whom

Comments: You are quite vague about the whole painting theme. do you like to paint? if yes, say so. about family, you mention alot about how the place where your mom lives in Taiwan is poor and cracked and hopeless...what the mood of your essay shows...but that's not true about other places in taiwan...its not all backcountry... :<

about that<, the imagery is interesting, but does it show YOUR world? did you live here enough to see why/how these people live? how did this affect you(yes you sorta answered it, but restructure)

focus on your goals/aspirations...and maybe mention a bit less of your parents' divorce unless it affected you and mention how it did...

Good luck with your app!

Book Reports / symbolism and mood in The Death of a Salesman [3]

i havent looked at those sites, but from what I remember, there were instances where Willy blends his dreamy memories with reality, thereby creating a mood a reminiscence and wishfulness. I also felt sympathetic to the brothers but angry at the father. As for atmosphere, constricted atmosphere, mostly everything happens by their small home, only dreams and off stage references to previous events. also the closing in of the apartment next door.

As for symbolism, there's alot...take anything that they use and you can relate to each person's attitude/personality. some objects for that: pen/apartment/flowers/stockings/etc...

Grammar, Usage / Was vs. Were for some sentences [19]

Another question that was just as puzzling to me.

Which of the following is better?Learning about and helping clients with their dilemmas, I saw some happily leave and others rush out to call potential employers.

ORLearning about different peoples' dilemmas and helping them find possible jobs, I saw some happily leave and others rush out to call potential employers.
Question I have is about the "learning about and helping clients" part. does this type of writing take away from the meaning present in the second?

Thanks

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

is there a way to revive an old forum thread?
this post has faded from disuse, but I would like to comment.

essayforum.com/general-writing-questions-13/logical-fallacies-debate-p ersuasive-writing-6744/

there were several others that I found useful, but they are closed.

another thing, something I just found out today. haha, could someone tell the webmaster a suggestion? to move the forum jump scrollbar at the top of the page?

thanks.

----

Yes, you can reopen that thread (I already did it for you).

EF

Undergraduate / "struggles" central florida. short essay [3]

seems like you just reposted the other thread.
1. If there has been some obstacle or "bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, please explain the circumstances.
2.Why you choose to apply to UCF

Not knowing what to expect,...[what do you mean?]
and military brat :? why this term usage?
never to allow others to dictate my life
ever given
Test scores...[this should be a new paragraph.]

grade/location/

"Everything depends on whether or not I get into UCF." putting your life in the admin officers' hands. I'm not sure if you should add that.

I figured, ...[sounds informal]

your university

Try splitting your essay into pieces that flow more.
Try to answer the prompt in a more defined way, instead of avoiding the bump, tell why

Undergraduate / "a drunken stupor" - Stanford - intellectually engaging [4]

really? I thought Mindstorm robots moved rather nicely.

interesting topic, for me at least. use another word instead of disagreements. I don't see really what you "disagree" on, maybe other than their uncontrollable-ness. Maybe since you want to mention more about why you figured the robot messed up, a more intellectual analysis of the issue. maybe mention how even computerized robots made mistakes and need better control's.

I'm assuming you used a R/C car? or was it something else?

Undergraduate / My father, mother - UC Prompt #1 do you guys think its too much about the story? [5]

It's better, but since you are talking about a future job, a future career in medicine, use a future tense that flows more. second to last para is still a bit stretched. can you make it more concise?

can you look over my uc app essay? thx

Undergraduate / My father, mother - UC Prompt #1 do you guys think its too much about the story? [5]

most of your essay is well polished already.

just a few snippets here and there.
first sentence/phrase is important. are you sure you want to use what you have now? it looks rather negative...

In order to be successful, I believe that I must graduate from one of the Universities of California with good grades which will enable me to obtain a well paying job. <This sounds like a rather forced notion of success. While supporting your family is one of your main goals, maybe include that you want to enjoy doing your work? that you will try to find an area of work where you won't have to worry about money matters.

She gave me reason to strive...
When that day comes, I will...<this sentence sounds rather negative too, even though it's supposed to sound positive... becoming what your father wished you to be is not very liberalist American, it's not, I think, what colleges are searching for in a student. maybe say, I can prove to my mother that I can be better than what my father wished me to be...

Last sentence: maybe use that^ . move your current one to the beginning somewhere.. will be better there.

Undergraduate / 'Korea volunteering work' - UC accomplishment meaningful to me. [4]

CAPS FTW!!!!! lolz.

In your intro, try presenting a more positive statement. try not to have half of it as being a passive giver. shorten that and focus on your strength- as a happy one. that while you did not see the importance of volunteering and sharing, you overcame this attitude and became an active individual in your community +world. looks like you were even a leader. emphasize that instead.

About the event, you do a good job presenting why that was important/meaningful,

Undergraduate / UC prompt 2 a round of golf [8]

no bumping is allowed. i believe we're all getting desperate. about your essay, intro is split in two halves, as theres little transition between the "story" attempt and your 8th grade golfing. that intro, as a whole, sounds rather interesting, but unhopeful, in that you cant defeat him...show more about responding to the prompt in the entire essay.

second para. why bother about golf terms and games. sorry i dont play golf. it doesnt give more about yourself.

what is murphy's law? failed at my attempt sounds horrible in that it's rather depressing, and you're talking about golf..the one thing you choose to represent yourself to the UCs. I hope thats not the truth..hope this is true: that you really enjoy golf, that it has shaped you somehow...i dont see how this is making you proud. a game of golf, okay you can talk about it, but pressing a mental reset button? interesting but i wish we had that in real life. haha.

make your last sentence more integrated into your essay. its a tad disconnected. ok, so you beat your dad because you focused not on your shortcomings but on your game.. good idea, maybe mention that earlier and less of the negativity.

sorry if this looks flamed.. im a bit annoyed right now. but i see what you mean. thx.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

rather than taking it out...and posting really helpful info, why not edit another person's essay?
"I wish to play a role in which I can reconstruct torn wishes and lives, just like what he [who's he] had done to mine." about this, if he means psychologist, then say so.. if its about the offender, then say so.. this does add to the essay, just needs to flow more.

about the rule thing, no you didn't break a rule, at least even I can't see it anymore.

**edit

ok, so the other sentence...well I think she wanted to show that she wanted to help others get over trauma by becoming a psychologist. it shows her goals/dream

lets edit: I want to become a psychologist because I am so proud of my observant personality andto listening to other people's stories. and acting like a therapist to those around me was never classified as a chore, but more like a gift. [editing the last part. 'I never classified acting a therapist to those around me a chore; I considered it a gift.' ]

Undergraduate / I am about the farthest thing from the stereotypical New Yorker - Breaking Stereotypes [7]

not to break your bubble, but there are other non-stereotypical people. I hope you weren't stereotyping others as stereotypical when you wrote this. something I noticed, you said that you grew up away from relatives, but then later you say that they constantly encourage you. I got confused.

vague on how your world of Webster has shaped you. elaborate on how your world is, not just how you don't fit in with the world and are a unique person. talk about one aspect of your world, family, community or school, and go from there.

Faq, Help / Turnitin website - originality report [15]

EF and TurnItIn, plagarism of your own work?

Just another question that popped up. Does anyone know if TurnItIn includes sites such as these in its plagiarism searches.

Undergraduate / UC prompt number 1: The world I come from and how it shapes my dreams/aspiration [3]

Your first line is interesting, but then you include info about Katrina and operating rooms. maybe take out the first dependent clause: "Although we live in a world of terror and disaster." another thing, maybe change it to help humanity in times of need/disaster. OR, move that part to the end of the sentence, as a because we live in a world...

volunteering religiously, interesting combination, how medicine is mainly atheistic towards life. just a comment. visceral, why not use intuitive?

Question. are you located anywhere near these two events(towers,N. Orleans)
Beginning to take note of my world on 9/11, ... about those words, if you want to use them, try repositioning that in the intro, would fit better.

Although I spent many hours at my school's drive packing clothing and supplies to ship to Katrina's victims, I knew with certainty that I belonged to medicine when I watched the rescue teams provide medical services further assured me that I belong in medicine . <medicine sounds odd, but it works. keep it, maybe. :<

perhaps more, sounds a tad negative. this paragraph is a split, it contains info on previous hours doing work in America, and then many in Israel. try making that clearer, then you can keep them in a paragraph.

Comments: Overall, topic is strong, shows willingness/drive to persue medicine
you should talk more about describing your world..you do, but it's not one of the three they have as choices. maybe say that the world is your community, that disasters and international strife have led you towards helping those needing medical aid.

Site with good information: californiacolleges.edu/admissions/university-of-california-uc/personal-statement.asp

Good luck with your app!

Undergraduate / MY BROTHER - Common app essay - person with a significant influence on you [2]

I'm confused why you have that sentence for the intro to your essay. use something along the liens of > "Accepting that my brother was gay was not a problem for me. He was and always would be my brother whom I loved. " <this should be the main focus of your essay, try restructuring the other info around it.

On my fourteenth birthday, Isaac wanted to take me to Target so that I could pick out my present that he was going get for me. I picked out a few movies that I had wanted for a while. We went to the checkout lane with our purchases, where my brother proceeded to take out his credit card and hand it to the cashier. At this time he also took a picture out of his wallet, looked at me and said, "Look Lacey!!! Isn't my boyfriend cute??!!"

<instead of that, maybe:As my brother and I went through the Target checkout to purchase a gift for my fourteenth birthday, he took a picture out of his wallet and said, "Look Lacey! Isn't my boyfriend cute?!" I thought about this incident for the next few days. He had never really had a girlfriend come toover at the house, but I knew that he had gone to prom both his junior and senior year. What did this all mean?Just one example. this could be your intro. maybe...

Your last paragraphs are strong, shows how he affected you. try expanding on what he does, some event maybe where you saw him stand up for himself and how you reacted.

Good luck with your app!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

I believe she did not make an interesting enough title.
It is different now. I'm wondering how that essay turned out.
1 week left til deadlines. Good luck

Faq, Help / New Innovations in EF Intriguing? [12]

Okay, thanks for the tip. The link did work.

So instead of making this a meaningless post, here's my message:
Hi, my name is Jonathan. I'm currently a senior in high school, applying to those colleges and all. While my main interest is math and science, I've picked up quite a bit of English writing experience from school and peer editing. As a child, I was told that writing was important, but I didn't enjoy it. I can't see why I thought that back then. Maybe my teachers' insistence on 5paragraph essays. Anyways, I hope I can help others be better, more creative writers through constructive exchanges of information.

haha. feel free to critique it ^^

!! found a great link embedded in the threads from last year.

californiacolleges.edu/admissions/university-of-california-uc/personal-statement.asp

has lots of good information.

Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

FINALLY. after much thought and reconsideration, a new version.-ish hehe
I tried keeping most of it. And I noticed they want "tell"ing, not showing @emily foong
Comments please. any new advice, or old ones that I didn't catch.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: "My past and my present are the key to my future." [11]

You mention a lot about your world, it's very vibrant, which is complemented by the poem. You don't, however, mention much about your dreams/aspirations. How has your world shaped your dreams? Only the first paragraph's last sentence of "American dream" and the last three sentences of the conclusion mention only a little more

At this point I feel accomplished for not renouncing to my dreams-as my mom says "great opportunities don't wait for doubters". At this moment I am not labeled as an EL student and I am taking the most rigorous classes possible at my school. With all my experiences and my family as my motivation I know in what direction I will seek my culmination; therefore I will advance to the next level-college.

This doesn't connect well with the rest of the essay. It sounds forced and different from the rest. Here and a bit earlier, maybe start leading into what that world has shaped in you and how you see it. maybe even comment on the American dream.

Undergraduate / "Being a 'quad-lingual'" - UC Prompt #2 [8]

ER.. bit too much flaming at the essay?
I find being quad-lingual is a rather impressive achievement. sure there are others who may be as impressive or even more so, but yes canto/mando/english/japanese are a bit less impressive since you were born there. but it IS still an achievement. would even be better if you took french/spanish/latin but you cant change that... just would show more diversity and drive for more linguistic endeavors.

about your story, it's interesting, but try to focus more on one of the choice in the prompt and expand more on how this shows how YOU are unique. maybe a bit less information, to make urself sound better... its not lying but giving out information about weaknesses is rather discouraging..

prompt is asking :Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you
NOT Tell us about personal qualities, talents, accomplishments, contributions AND experiences that ARE important to you

Grammar, Usage / Antisemitism or anti-Semitism? [8]

antisemitism vs. anti-Semitism
hm, strange. google check is saying the first is correct. haha

I like the second one because it is easier see how it is pronounced. antisemitism looks like a strange word, but I guess it works. choose whatever you want. >_<

Writing Feedback / compare between your childhood and right now. [16]

I personally dislike the tell, explain, tell more stuff. it's good for some essays, but why use that method for such a topic?

As for your structuring of the essay, try to incorporate more about your life 'right now.' you can use the Thanksgiving plot idea, I think it's interesting, but try to focus on maybe changes that have occurred. what about you has changed over the years? Matured? grown to look at things differently? learned to live in the "jungle"? [note: that was a metaphor? or really where you live?]

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: K-pop [9]

interesting topic indeed. "wannabe" meant to be a allusion to epik high? hehe MV is pro.
notes about a few words: altered, unpleased <try to use more positive words? displeased is grammatically correct.

intro's last sentence needs some work, show more how your world changed.

"..I was constantly made fun of for appreciating something that to them was bizarre and awkward."
awkward sentence. change to:...they constantly made fun of me for appreciating a culture that was both bizarre and awkward to them.

Good luck with your app!

Undergraduate / Bridging two worlds: UC Personal Statement #1 [3]

sentence #2 in intro is rather awkward. doesn't show yourself in a good light.
sentence #3 in body1 is interesting but was this "your world"?

"Despite my unfamiliarity with this country, it dawned upon me that this was also my world." this sentence should go somewhere closer to the beginning of the essay. will connect more with your main idea. alien world: sounds demeaning :|

one whose society moves forward and the other whose society goesappears backwards. <sounds better

Comments: not much to say about your essay, needs work on expanding upon your world. your attempt in the intro sentence #2 doesn't really describe that. maybe you should use your "I haven't done the conclusion yet" paragraph more into your essay. hehe

another thing, that quote you use, ask yourself why you use it. does it add any real substance to your essay?

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

When I got my first paper back in sophomore year, got a very disappointing grade.. teacher didnt like "fluff" in our essays, wanted more thematic analysis, more "digging with shovels" about the ideas on hand. Good luck with your class!

1)"Each time he thinks about their misery is like a stab in the heart that never ends"
note that when you read this, "that never ends" is modifying heart because it is the closest to that noun/object in the sentence. I confess I do that sometimes too. similar problem with modifiers commas too. for example: I wanted to go to the beach, dressed in my shorts. dressed in my shorts modifies me, not the beach, but it's misplaced..therefore error.

2)"Carlos slowly walks toward the train entrance"
even writing "walks towards" is awkward. I think your teaching is being picky, but if you want to use towards, "Carlos walks slowly towards the train entrance" sounds a tad better. to can be used in either way.

"he comes to an agreement to himself"
It's strange in no context to analyze this sentence. He comes to an agreement with himself. that might work. but nothing wrong other than that. just make sure when you use him/herself, that you use it correctly.

Grammar, Usage / whats the difference between somones and someone's ? [17]

I think someones is like peoples or persons.
different groups of someone, therefore someones. >_>

example: there was a person at the party. -regular
there were several persons at the party. -somewhat poetic but it may be used for persons of importance, to show that each is an individual.

same with someones I assume.

as for someone's, yes it is compound and yes it is the correct form here.

I think I'm loving the general writing section more than undergrad and term paper ones. ^^ hehe "ones"

Grammar, Usage / Antisemitism or anti-Semitism? [8]

I prefer the second one, but either is ok, look up wikipedia. is has the first
google and you find they use both.

woo! shortest post ever ^^

Writing Feedback / Humankind has undergone many changes in the eating habit - food is easier to prepare [2]

gahhhh! I spent an hour typing stuff up and the browser messed up. o well, guess u'll have to deal with a shorter very short version :| I had it all nicely formatted too.. very disappointing :| guess i'll edit on notepad next time. stupid me :|

sorry, i'm not gonna try fixing grammar this time around. hope someone else will help with that.

your intro needs to present your own voice. change period to time. "Man's eating habits have greatly changed since the time when he hunted for himself." while interesting, does this support your main point? sure, habits have changed, but what else? try not to spit the prompt back out. try internalizing it, then stating your own ideas.

your second paragraph only includes examples of how technology has improved life, not much analysis about them and how they are applied..until the third paragraph.

third paragraph has a strong topic sentence. good use of more examples. but that "In the past..." sentence doesn't quite fit there. taking that sentence out/revising it and the next one would help. good last sentence for that paragraph.

fourth paragraph presents your own opinion about food processing. bit late in the essay dont you think? say this earlier.. that although food processing is easier, the negative affects resulting from this change overrides the benefits. last sentence needs some improving. need to show in words why those sugars, fatty nutrients are bad. maybe that they decrease people's normal body functions, that they break family's down that used to eat at a table together, that they build up in the body and cause people to no longer function as they want, etc

your conclusion is fairly weak. sorry :| the bulk of your essay is about food preparation being helpful. your conclusion is based on 3 lines about the negative affects of that aid. Fix fix fix!

so you do show that food being easier to prepare is not necessarily good, but you need to state that in a stronger way.

gl. im tired :|

Writing Feedback / marriages should be arranged by the parents or not? [6]

Comments: good flow of ideas; I agree with your synthesis argument. One thing however- the topic asks more about your opinions, so maybe, if you can think of another argument for why both filial and marital love are needed, add another discussion of why.

I understand that this is an opinionated essay, but maybe an intro is needed to debrief these paragraphs?

Undergraduate / Attending a Competitive High School - UC Essay #1 [2]

Wow. looks so much like my intro >_> even the overall presentation of information is similar, with different situations of course, but still, I'm surprised.

In my biology class, I was confused on a portion of a lab so I asked the lab table next to me, and they refused to help me. [lab table does not equal they; make sure your pronouns fit the noun they replace. maybe rephrase sentence a tad. hehe]

(And) sadly, not everyone is happy for someone once they [watch out for singular/plural changes. I'm not sure how to rephrase. maybe: Sadly, not everyone congratulates those admitted to such a school] are admitted to a school. Some students are even jealous of those who have been accepted to prestigious schools. [maybe semi-colon to connect these two sentences?]

so, what kind of question did you have in mind? Your essay is very well written; it makes mine look shabby. But there's one thing I'm iffy on. Do you think you should show what your dream/aspiration is? or is the prompt asking more about your world. I had trouble with that. If you don't see the need, then ignore that comment.

You do answer the prompt, but I'm not sure if you want to edit it to make it more stand-outish, something about you that's different from others, for the benefit of college admissions personnel..I didn't want to either, but maybe add/show something unique?

Hope you can read over my essay: Good luck with your app!

Dissertations / Synopsis on solar energy applications [6]

:O I thought you weren't supposed to add outside links. haha. I am tempted to add a sparknotes one for someone else's thread. but I guess I shan't

Anywho, about dissertations, synopsis = summary of what you plan on doing. ~what part of solar energy you want to focus on, narrow down the topic to something "researchable" then focus on that. In the intro for my extended essay, I briefly mentioned my topic, its importance and implications on society, what I planned to investigate, and what I hoped to prove/disprove. ~400 words for me. done with it now.

hope that adds to Kevin's advice. and I'd really like to read your paper after you finish ^^

Essays / Develop a thesis statement for KING LEAR: hidden loyalty/ blindness and sight / argument [9]

Compare Gloucester and Edgar with that of Lear and Cordelia. This makes me think of the world order thing in the play. Shakespeare presents a world view where gods>king>duke>earl>peasants>etc. If you want, you could note how when Lear breaks the relationship with his daughter, he breaks up the order in the entire kingdom. this somewhat shows how his relationship comments upon Gloucester-and-Edgar's as their fates are entwined in the turmoil.

sry. gtg. will try to post more if i get time.