Research Papers / Stuck on ideas for Research Paper (argumentative research topic) 100 class [6]

There are tons of topics you could pick from:

abortion
gun control
public health care
euthanasia
stem cell research
global warming
racial profiling
home schooling
violence in television/video games
the validity of game theory

And so on. But if you want to focus on something related to literature, why not argue for or against one of these positions:

popular literature is less valuable than classical literature
reading literature is a waste of time
books that deal with controversial topics should be banned from the classroom.

Graduate / Submitting documents by post for an online application [2]

I don't see anything wrong with this format. It conveys the idea you want to convey quite clearly, which is one of the best things that can be said for any form of writing.

Undergraduate / Area of my choice-- Medicine [4]

Some things to consider:


Ambition grew up in a family filled with esteemed professionals? Your modifier is dangling, I'm afraid. Rephrase.


Fie on those dishonest interests. Or perhaps they have always "lain".


This metaphor doesn't quite work. It just isn't clear how your interest in biology could be profitably compared to a Christmas tree -- it's fake and made of plastic? It's real but tends to shed needles on the ground? It is only of any real importance for two weeks of the year?

Research Papers / Argument for Global Warming, need some ideas [33]

Wikipedia, the great overmind and emergent world-god, says that "Expository writing is a type of writing, the purpose of which is to inform, explain, describe, or define the author's subject to the reader." A research paper would therefore be a type of expository writing.

Essays / descriptive argument essay about anything? [4]

Well, it would have to be about something worth arguing about, at the very least. What exactly were your instructions?

Undergraduate / "just go back in the cage..." - An extracurricular activity essay [6]

This doesn't say anything good about you. You stood there not knowing what to do until someone else solved the problem for you. Then, you believed that this somehow made you better prepared for the next challenge. If I were an admissions officer, I would actively not want to admit you after reading this. You need to rewrite this so that the essay shows you in a much better light.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay:: Studying abroad, advantages and disadvantages. [8]

Hmmm . . . okay, so why do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? That seems to be the question you need to answer in your last paragraph to fully deal with the prompt.

Undergraduate / "Bump in the road", Hide and Seek - for Central Florida Application [4]

Not bad, actually. My main issue is that this happened when you were 7. It would be nice if you could build on this and talk about how it had inspired you to do things you could talk about that have happened a bit more recently, and that show how you would be a good university student.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay Help?-Psychology [3]

Standard approach, mediocre execution. Replace your description of the hospital at the beginning of your essay with an expanded anecdote about Holly and your experiences with her. Then, reflect on what those experiences have taught you specifically, rather than just talking about how you want to help people, which is too vague to be worth saying.

Undergraduate / "privileged with several years of study" - FSU college essay [4]


I'd tell you to cut the first paragraph entirely, but I like the alliteration too much.


It appears your essay had a run in with a rabid thesaurus. Focus more on writing grammatically correct sentences, and less on pumping up your writing with unnecessarily advanced diction.

You have three paragraphs, any one of which could be a good focus for this essay. The three do not tie together particularly well, though. So, either work on your transitions, or pick one and write a new essay around it.

Undergraduate / In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU [10]

The grammar here needs a lot of work:


This sentence uses a double negative which, ironically, negates your actual meaning. Revise.


You need to revise your tenses here.



Try this instead: "Another way I learned more about Boston University was through my AVID class and through conversations between my friends and me."

This is a sentence fragment.


Also a sentence fragment.

Undergraduate / How films have influenced my life :)- fsu essay [2]

You can cut your first paragraph completely. It says nothing of interest.

Your second paragraph can go too. Your essay is mostly about your interest in acting, which overlaps nicely with your interest in psychology. Your interest in tennis doesn't connect to anything else though.

Your third paragraph sort of connects, but is vague and general, cut it too.

I like the fourth paragraph. Start your essay there. Expand on your love of acting and your interest in psychology to replace the length you will lose by cutting the first three paragraphs.

Undergraduate / My life embodies FSU's guiding philosophy - my explanation [7]


Your dreams are sleeping? How odd. Remember that introductory clauses always modify the first noun after the comma, even if you don't mean them to.

Writing Feedback / using computer influence on young children [5]

A few more suggestions for you:

"In modern society, computers are used in many different fields"

"and they have also become more familiar"

"However, the question of whether or not there are more benefits than drawbacks for young children using a computer everyday or not is controversial."

"To begin with, using a computer everyday helps children can learn and upgrade their skill in using computers.which is very important to them. "

Writing Feedback / Food has become easier to prepare now , do you agree or not? [13]


Could you post an example or two here of the sorts of sentences you have trouble with? That would make it much easier to advise you.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Independ Essay : where to learn a new language. [3]

This is very good for a TOEFL essay. Some minor grammatical fixes:

"There is a lots of evidences "

"and expects you to express words fromyourself in the same language"

"you are forced to learn it as soon and as well as possible."

Essays / thesis for 'belonging' essay - barriers which prevents belonging [6]

You say you "need help," but you seem to mean "want someone to supply the answers." This won't do at all. Post your own attempt to create the two thesis statements first, then we can help you revise them for clarity.

Writing Feedback / using computer influence on young children [5]


What, exactly, have computers used? Or do you meant that people have used computers? Or that computers are used by people to do something?


Do you mean we cannot deny?


This would be more convincing if you gave an example of a specific game, and explained how it allowed children to do the things you list here.

Research Papers / The pricing tools, Black's model - assignment for Master level [5]

Oh dear. I'm afraid that if you are at the Masters level, you should already have "some idea about the main body of the assignment like what I need to argue or research." Certainly, what you have posted at the moment is unlikely to generate much useful feedback. For one thing, only someone who is familiar with "interrelationship of Australian index option market and US index option market" and who knows what Black's model is will be able to comment intelligently. Try doing some preliminary research and writing up whatever you can find in your own words, then posting you pre-writing here. That will at least give us something to work with.

Undergraduate / 'Speech-Language Pathology' - academic interests and goals - UIUC Essay #1 [4]

The narrative opening is solid, and this is generally the sort of thing you want content-wise. Now, you just need to smooth out the grammar a style a bit more, being sure to eliminate wordy passive constructions. For instance:

"but my brother saw only her the disapproving expression on her faceis what communicated with my brother. "

"My ambition is to perfecthelp those with communication disorders converse their feelings and intellect with others is an ambition of mine ."

Concise writing is generally more interesting and clear than wordy writing.

Undergraduate / (Biology) Rice Transfer Short Essay- Why did you choose your major/degree plan [3]

Interesting and well-written so far. Do you have room to expand on some of your points? This part in particular seems as if it could be elaborated on considerably:

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay - Undecided - "My Calling" [8]



These seem to contradict each other. Also, the essay is all about how JHU will allow you to leave your options open, which it doesn't seem to do if it doesn't allow you to major in the other main thing you are considering . . .

Undergraduate / Art Institute of San Diego application essay [2]

This doesn't really answer the question you have been asked. What are your career goals? That is, what do you want to do after you graduate from the Art Institute? How will attending the Art Institute help you to reach those goals? These are the questions you need to answer in your essay.

Undergraduate / "multi racial home" - family history, culture or environment influenced who you are? [3]

Not bad, but you tend to simply list elements of your cultural background rather than to show in detail how these have affected you. Could you add some depth to your essay by singling out one or two items to talk about in more detail?

Also, "I have always taken my education seriously"

Undergraduate / 'life is unpredictable' - meaningful event in life [3]

Capitalize the personal pronoun "I" in your writing. As for being on topic, the experience you describe certainly seems to have been meaningful. Now, what positive characteristics did you develop as a result, and how will these make you a better college student?

Undergraduate / "the opportunities to excel in the major of my choice." - FSU Admissions Essay [8]

Yes, you need to talk about how your modeling experience has prepared you to major in film production. That would give you a much stronger essay.

Writing Feedback / First Philosophy Essay; Pascal's Wager and the Advent of Infinite Future Gods [8]


Also, you could argue that an absolutely perfect being wouldn't inflict harm on another sentient being or allow another sentient being to suffer eternal punishment. Thus, such a being would not punish non-believers, removing at least half the impetus for making Pascal's wager.

Undergraduate / help make my FSU admission essay more professional and itellectual [6]


I do so love it when students say this. Well, you asked for it . . .

Before: "In regards to the motto of Florida State University, "Vires, Artes, Mores", I believe I have a close relation to the Latin word "Artes", which epitomizes the beauty within skills, craft, and art. Throughout my life I have been exposed to various types of art, which has really allowed me to learn to understand and appreciate it."

After: "I really like art."

Saying it in 57 words doesn't make it any more interesting. The first paragraph can go.

Your second paragraph could be really interesting. But, you were two. You don't say how many years you kept up this tradition, so I have to assume you probably can't really remember anything about this. If you were to tell the reader that you have done this every year up until this one, though, you could probably make this the entire focus of the essay.

Your third paragraph can also go. That your Mom brought in art works for show and tell for you when you were in elementary school is nice, but not something that the admissions officers have a reason to care about.

Your fourth paragraph could be expanded to be the focus of a new essay. Just describe everything in much more narrative detail.

Your last paragraph is like your introduction, which means it can also go away without hurting anything.

Undergraduate / Music and science are 2 domains, 2 pillars, 2 passions ; Common app- Topic of Choice [6]

Overall a strong essay. I like the DNA metaphor, and your description of your musical practice. A couple of questions, though:

What was your science project? And why do you suddenly switch to the past tense when discussing it?

Undergraduate / "the opportunities to excel in the major of my choice." - FSU Admissions Essay [8]


I really don't think you want to phrase it quite that way. Too many people will be quick to agree that the competition in the modeling business is always extremely dense. Perhaps "intense" might serve you better?

Also, be careful with the religious references. Be aware that they are as likely to harm as to help your chances of admission unless you are applying to a specifically religious university. I don't know what your intended major is, either. I'm not sure if modeling is actually a subject area at FSU. If not, what are you planning to study? It makes a difference.

Undergraduate / Working with me - Common App - Someone who had a significant influence on you [7]


You assume correctly. Try expressing the same sentiments in a more original way. Or just cut it.

Writing Feedback / Food has become easier to prepare now , do you agree or not? [13]

Well, here's a few fixes for you:

"The way to Preparing meals becomes simpler, quicker, and easier. This change brings a better makes life more convenient for busy people."

"People can not spend much time on the meal preparation"

Hmmm . . . part of the problem is just that you're working in a second language. Time may be the only cure, here. That, and reading a lot. For instance:

"In addition, women are released from their household working."

Grammatically, there isn't much wrong with that. I guess you could use "work" instead of "working"

"In addition, women are released from their household work."

But this doesn't really solve the main problem, which has to do with both cultural content and diction. First, you are implying that women are the only ones to cook and do household work. You go on to explain what you mean, which is perfectly PC, but the sentence itself is jarring when first read. Beyond that, the diction itself is just off. After all, easy to prepare food doesn't free a housewife from all of her household work, so the sentence is inaccurate. It would be more natural and accurate to say "This frees women from one of their household chores," or some such, which still doesn't work with the implications, but at least sounds right.

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

It's really a matter of doing a cost benefit analysis. Is the improvement you will get by using this site worth the relatively small risk that someone will try stealing your work, which you can prove is yours thanks to the time stamp anyway.

Writing Feedback / Let's go to Mui Ne - Phan Thiet [4]

I think you misunderstand. That was a rhetorical question. Vietnam is in fact an S-shaped country. It is not the letter S shaped like a country. That is, Vietnam is a country, not a letter, which is why you can live there.

Undergraduate / "What art did to me" - UC Prompt 2 Personal Statement [4]

Good essay. You learned a valuable lesson, and demonstrate it with specific examples. Your style and grammar are solid, so there's not much to criticize here. You might tightened up a sentence here and there, I suppose:

"If there was one thing I had learned in my new advanced art class, it was this: patience."

"If I learned anything from my advanced art class, it was patience."

You could cut this down even further, but this retains the stylistic effect I think you were going for.

Undergraduate / FSU Essay. This one's so hard to write on. =[ [6]

Interesting approach. You might want to clarify some of your points, though. To pick on one section in particular by way of example:


If you always forgive people, even when they show no sign of remorse for their actions, won't they tend to keep behaving badly?


What do you do when you meet people with irreconcilable points of view? How do you "accept" two contrary opinions at the same time? And what if the opinions of others include, say, that political protesters should be shot or that the Holocaust never happened? Would you really then "accept" those opinions unquestioningly?


What do you mean by this?

You've got the "creative" part down. Now go through and make sure you've got the "thoughtful" part in there too.

Undergraduate / 'psychology measured up to my expectations' - Academic Interests- U of I essay [2]


You can cut all of this, and replace it with some sort of narrative anecdote that shows the truth of what you tell here:


Then, go through the rest of the essay and give some specifics. For instance:


For example?

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay - Undecided - "My Calling" [8]

I like this essay. You have an actual reason for your choice of university, beyond its reputation or location, which makes a refreshing change. The only thing that struck me as a bit jarring was this:


You probably don't want to sound like you are the sort of person who wants to avoid the consequences of his actions. I would rephrase to something like "The freedom to change my major - and then change it again - until I have found what path I truly want to pursue;" Accentuate the positive, as it were.

- at the time being

I knew what I planned to study on

Undergraduate / "to develop a strong character" - Florida State Application Essa [3]

Stop making general statements or statements that define words already explained in the prompt:

"Vires, Artes, Mores" the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. At first glance, these words seemed as though they could easily be reflected upon my life. But as I began to dig the depths of their true meanings, I quickly realized that I had no idea what these words truly represented to me.

Artes, or the beauty of intellectual pursuit of skill, craft, or an art.

The Latin word Mores, refers to character, custom, or tradition and is signified by my involvement in baseball

Your Artes paragraph is weak, as many of the statements are general and vague.

Your Vires paragraph is better. You might even make it the nucleus of a new essay that explores the material presented there in much greater detail.

Your Mores paragraph is solid, though less original in terms of focus than your Vires paragraph.

So, in general, more specificity would make your essay much stronger, whether you choose to focus on one thing or to revise all of your existing paragraphs and continue to include all of them.

Undergraduate / How will college allow you to achieve your goals? [2]

"And I think in addition to Purdue's diversity on campus, up to date experimental equipment and foreign internship opportunities"

What are your goals, again? Let me see . . .

Nothing much about it in paragraph 1 . . . or 2 . . . or 3 . . . not really in 4, either. If you don't say what your goals are, how can you explain how Purdue will help you achieve them? For that matter, you don't much attempt to answer that question, though you sort of hint at it in the last paragraph. Perhaps you should revise the essay to make sure you stay on prompt.