Undergraduate / "I live in Yogyakarta with my family" - An Essay about Myself [3]

I think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and let it be a sentence the gives the MOST IMPORTANT message... the idea or theme you want the reader to remember after reading the essay.

Like other high schools, SMA Negeri 3 Yogyakarta teaches high quality academics.

You have some great accomplishments!
I think it is important to add a conclusion paragraph. Conclude the essay by writing again about your MAIN IDEA.

Every essay needs some kind of theme. It needs a CONCEPT that the reader can remember. What is your concept?

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] Some students like classes where teachers lecture [4]

Given the choice between listening to the lecturing done by teachers in class or being in a class where some of the talking is done by students, which one would I prefer? I am compelled to indicate that my preference is the latter former option.----you prefer the former option. The first option is the one where the lecturer speaks.

It might become unclear if you use long, complex sentences:
Second, it is in terms of the discipline that with regard to discipline, some students do not dis cuss the content about the course, but instead have gossip with other students.

Therefore, as far as I am concerned, lecturing by teacher is more efficient than allowing students to do the talking.

Third, it is in terms of with regard to the ability to make a good presentation, the more eloquent the reporter is, the more comprehension other students can have.

Take my classmate, Susan, for example. As a introvert, she is so nervous and always blushes when ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Never, never give up" - Your favorite saying [9]


Here is a typo, above.

I like your idea and the example. However, you are right... it is an ordinary saying. You can find your own unique, creative way to say the same thing. Just replace that saying with a unique version of it. There are many ways to express that same idea.

:-)

Student Talk / How to speak English fluently and correctly? [62]

My best idea is like this:
For five minutes every day, read sentences from books and articles. Read them aloud, so that your brain will have to form the words with your mouth. Then, type them. It is TEDIOUS!! But it is only five minutes. In five minutes, maybe you can type 10 sentences. Do not forget to speak the sentences aloud.

:-)

Thanks for starting this great thread!!!

Graduate / the fundamental properties of the world (MS in Electrical Engineering-Communication) [7]

Those are some good ideas. I'll make lots of corrections below, and you should try to notice them all. Practice typing the sentences the correct way:

From childhood I have been feeling excited about my future opportunities to discover the fundamental properties of the world that we are living in and to reveal the interior formation of the daily appliances . ---I think the sentence was too long, so I cut off the end of it.

I remember, in my younger days, when I used to take apart a certain piece of equipment, I was fascinated by the mechanical parts, the wires -- the overall way these things worked. And Amazingly, I had this knack for putting them back together, just the way they were originally.

No need for UP here:
This boosted up my thirst for exploring more in the networking domain.

That's why I want to be a part of it and expect to get the admission so that I can be an asset to this research sector. I think you can write a sentence at the end that is more interesting and meaningful than this one! :-)

Essays / Theme of loyalty in literature of middle ages? [3]


Excellent observation here! Yes, start by reading some great articles and writing body paragraphs with the best information.

Only after you have written all the body paragraphs should you go back and write an intro. Or if you get a good idea, write the intro after you have written at least 3 body paragraphs.

The intro paragraph expresses the main idea or theme of the whole essay. It's like... what all the body paragraphs add up to.

:-)

Research Papers / African Americans and "white" professional baseball teams - research topic [2]

Well, do you understand the word contentious? It means when he broke the color bar, it caused a lot of arguments and anger.

I think you should start by looking at a "history of basketball." Can you find that online?

Start by writing a sentence about basketball when it was first being played in this country. Early basketball. Who was playing? Just white people?

Add a sentence to give an example or explain what you mean. Then, write a sentence to reflect on how it affected the way black and white people felt about one another. In this way, you will complete your first BODY PARAGRAPH.

Keep reading until you think of another sentence. Extend that into another body paragraph.

Do not worry about how to structure the essay. Just begin each paragraph with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

When you have written several body paragraphs, go back and write an intro paragraph with a thesis statement.
Then, go to the end of the essay and write a conclusion.

The important point is this: Each paragraph will express an observation about how basketball affected race relations.
you can do it! Just read until you can write the first sentence.

:-)

Essays / How to use the the Assignment Topic Question in the opening Paragraph? [5]

Awesome, Ken. Good luck with that. If you have time, please help a few of the essayists who could benefit from your advice. A lot of kids here could use your help! We're lucky to have you.

Undergraduate / "Of my father and the pain" - Dramatic Introduce-Yourself NYU Tisch [4]

Yeah... I would hate to see you chop that great first paragraph. I like it, too.

I see that Rajiv cut out the word "covered," but I think you meant to express that it was actually covered in a sheet of plastic, so...

I'm covered in sweat and lying on my father's sticky, 1970's, plastic-covered couch, a father who for the majority of my life has been M.I.A. --------- See that I added a hyphen? Also, I added some commas. When you have 2 or more adjectives in a row, use commas, just as you would with any other list.

But in the sentence above, it is the couch that you are talking about, not the father... so, you should revise it slightly. Maybe you should split it into 2 sentences. plastic-covered couch, even though for the majority of my life my father has been M.I.A.

You have a great style!

Oops, let's make the the correct tense:
He had walked out on US us; my smile slowly fades, as a hateful stare now possesses my face. ---I also made another little change.

Book Reports / Thomas Hardy's "The man he killed" (The Victorian Period) [2]

Your first paragraph has too much information. I think you should keep the first paragraph focused on the main idea or theme of your essay.

Then, give all the information in the body paragraphs.

So, it is easy to fix: Just split that first paragraph into 2 paragraphs, and add a thesis sentence to the part that ends up being the intro paragraph. Let the rest of it become the first body paragraph or be merged with the first body paragraph.

Also...
Thomas' mother taught him how to read by the age of 4, and he lea rned French and Latin at a non-conformist school.

...and a meaningless universe in which to live. in .

This sounds strange: Unfortunately Florence outlived him...

Your MLA looks good. You are supposed to give the page number when you do a direct quote. Is this a direct quote? -----> Writers, like Thomas, wrote literature like this to amend, support, confront, expand, and to alleviate the feelings of the public and culture (Gray 893).

I like the ending a lot!

Research Papers / Social networking Effects on Career [2]


In most of the abstract, you used the present tense, so you should stick with the present tense here:
This paper mentions....

...aspiring teacher who is forced to become a nanny because...

I decided to investigate how much these sites can affect one's career or how businesses using social networking sites.---In this first paragraph, you are establishing the scope of the paper. Now that you have written it, I think you should ADD A SENTENCE to the end of that first paragraph and let it be a sentence that really captures the most meaningful message/theme that results from your study.

When you cite a source, put the parenthetical reference INSIDE the punctuation:
website to verify the information given by applicants (Palank, 2006). ----Also, notice that I added a comma. You seem to be using APA, so use a comma in between the name and year.

You are doing very well! I think the important thing is to add sentences to the end of a few of the paragraphs, especially the conclusion -- sentences that "wrap up" an important point you want to make.

Challenge yourself: Can you express the main idea of the whole essay in a single sentence? In a single word?

:-)

Essays / Skeletal plan for a Politics essay (movements against globalization/capitalism) [2]


What do you mean? Is it futile to resist the inevitable? Is that what you mean?

Irrelevant to what?

Try searching the school library database for these key words: controversy, globalization

or

Alternatives to capitalism

Hmmmm... maybe you should read the work of professor Noam Chomsky and let that be your focus.
However you choose to do this, start by getting some GREAT articles that are about the topic you have in mind. The articles are the fuel for your fire, the raw material that becomes the essay. If you had 10 great articles to use, it would be easy to get 2400 words.

:-)

Graduate / "updated with variety of software applications" - SOP for MS in Computer Science [3]

"Conceiving ideas and developing systems that deliver that promise" ---I am very impressed with your intro and writing style, but I want to criticize this slogan. What is the promise you are referring to? Conceiving ideas does not imply any promise.

If you can avoid ending a sentence with a proposition, do so. It's more impressive:
... the video games about which I was enthusiastic. about .

During my undergraduate studies, I gained a comprehensive exposure to the core areas of Computer Science and developed a strong conceptual understanding of the same. ---This sentence shows your intelligence, because it is a great sentence, but I want to mention that it is actually not very meaningful. It is eloquent, but not full of meaning. It is a vague assertion. I think you should mention the specific insight you gained or specific areas of interest that developed. This first sentence of the paragraph is most important.

... the essence of University education lies in the synergetic relationship between the student and his department. ---Maybe you have too many of these vague truisms. It might be better to focus on the specifics, the "meat and potatoes" of the essay. That means you should avoid abstractions and say concrete things.

However, I really am just trying very hard to give some criticism for you. The truth is that this is a very, very, very impressive essay already.

Graduate / "Time and tide" - SOP for M.S in Software Engineering for (George Mason University) [4]

To say something "defines" what something "means" is redundant, because to define is to tell what something means. So... I would use "establish" here:

...and defines establishes what success means to me. I always had the freedom to choose my work according to what interested me, and I have always had the flexibility to grow in ...

I like this expression a lot: "Success always lies in sense of larger connectedness".... your dad has some wisdom. :-)

I'm really impressed by many of your ideas. This is a strong essay already. If you want my ideas about how to improve it even more, I'll tell you this:

In the "areas of interest" section, you should discuss some recent developments in the field, maybe name some people who have written articles that you are recently enjoying, and really use the opportunity to show that you are already reading about the most cutting-edge technologies and advancements. Show that you are reading recent articles written by people who are your seniors in the field.

You did very well here!

Writing Feedback / students' competence at all levels of the Malaysian education [6]

Hmmmm... reason is a slippery word.

One reason that contributes to my decision is that I like cheese.----This would be an awkward way to use it.

One factor that contributes to my decision is that...---This is better.
One reason for my decision is that I like cheese...---This is better.

:-) Is that what you meant?

Research Papers / Data analyzing essay, out of idea, how to reach the word required? [6]


Yes, treat it like it is singular. Great question.

B) In general, the sale of books, stationary and toys varies from one month to the next."---This is okay, but a bit confusing. I would do this:

In general, the sales of books, stationary and toys vary from one month to the next."

Graduate / Stop Look And Go (topic for micro presentation) [8]

It seems that this slogan, "Stop, look, and go," must come from some essay or book... or it must come from some kind of presentation that someone made.

Maybe it is totally abstract, and you are supposed to apply these words to the specialization that interests you?

If I were to use these words, I would say I stop my own creative activity, look at a person's writing project, and go to my word program to help them improve it.

How do you use those words in your work?

Undergraduate / "The world full of happiness, determination and perseverance" - UC where I came from [2]

My mom and my dad together have taught me the basic skills to being successful in the real world. -------- This sentence is a little too simple. It is not interesting, because this expresses something very ordinary.

My biggest dream is becoming the [best and most successful] ---a little redundant here.

This dream will only come after I reach my dreams of perfectibility perfection, perseverance and determination that my parents developed in me. ------nice!

It only takes a little spark within your mind to develop a dream, but it takes a lifetime to reach one.---I like this part, too.

I have always thought of the many things my parents have done to raise me. ---I think this sentence should be revised to be a little more meaningful. It is an important sentence, because it begins the last paragraph.

Most importantly, I think you should add more discussion about the books and articles in the world you come from. Write about the things you have read, the writings that inspire your developing interests in engineering. Do not say "I want to be a successful engineer." Be specific, and tell what you are going to do and where you will do it.

:-)

Dissertations / Need a topic for ph.d in retail management / fashion sector [10]

Okay, let's get started, Slims. Do some writing, and maybe people can help you improve your ideas. If you have a question about how to get started I can give you advice, but you have to put in more effort than this! :-)

Try to get interested in it. This stuff is your life. I mean... you know, take the mundane along with the exciting.

Undergraduate / Diversity - (a Guyanese-American background) essay for Rutgers University [4]

I think the part that should be condensed is the culture part. It is great, but I think it is the most dispensable part. for example, anyone could write this: I have learned to value the things I can claim ownership of and to value the relationships that have been forged between myself and others. It is vague.

I really like this sentence, though: The culture of my forefathers has afforded me a particular uniqueness amongst my peers that I am grateful for and always eager to share. ----Keep the great sentences, and cut the ones that do not provide so much experience for the reader.

:-)

Graduate / Essay for B School- Long term and short term goals and why this MBA- feedback [3]

Nice intro, Supriya! It caught my attention and made me take interest.

But at the end I see a grammar problem:
The growing interest and increased awareness in sustainability has have led to ...

My long term career goal is to set up an energy production plant in India generating energy from municipal waste. ---Very good!! This is an impressive essay.

This is a very tight, efficient essay. I think the only weak part is that thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. How about reading the essay again and revising that last sentence of the first paragraph? Or you can leave it alone but add one more sentence after it before ending that first paragraph. Add a sentence that sums up the main message of the essay, the theme you want them to remember.

:-)

Book Reports / The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka - Monologue [4]

Well, I don't think I really gave much help. Congratulations on the successful assignment. I'm glad you are participating here; please help some people with their essays sometimes, and let us help you again when we can.

Undergraduate / "A strong curriculum in the hospitality management field" - transfer reasons [3]

That first paragraph is lifeless. It is just information, no action. It uses a lot of words just to say you have become disenchanted with the program. Express your disenchantment in a single sentence, and get on with the main idea of the essay.

At Syracuse, I felt a weak academic support from the faculties of the hospitality management program.---Maybe it is weak, but it is still distasteful to focus on what was wrong with them. I think you should delete this sentence. Write about your refined interests, your goals and deadlines. What do you hope to accomplish this year? Be specific. Write not about what they lack at that school but instead what YOU WANT TO DO. Know what I mean? Be positive.

strong and rigorous curriculum in the hospitality management field---This is too vague. If you really are interested in rigor, be rigorous by googling around about the faculty members at this school to which you are transferring. See what articles they have written, what books they have written, what they are doing these days. Find out about the professors who will be teaching you, ande write about them + your specific goals.

:-)

Essays / Great Gatsby Essay - Juxtaposition of social v. personal life [3]

That thesis statement might be too simple and obvious.
Here is the trick: come up with a totally weird thesis that others would perhaps disagree with, and then it is easy to write the essay.

I don't mean TOTALLY WEIRD... but make it some subtle observation that is not obvious. Just be a bit quirky about it. That is how to handle this sort of thing.

And do not just try to relate the examples to the thesis. ADJUST THE THESIS to accommodate the examples. That is how to be flexible in academic writing. It is easy! Just look at it again and see if the real thesis comes into focus.

If you try to write the thesis first, you will always have trouble relating the examples to them. Adjust the thesis as you continue to write.

Welcome to EssayForum! If this helped you, please go help a few people on the Unanswered list (i.e. help us help them). I'm glad you are here. :-)

Writing Feedback / 'entering society' - Work/travel between high school and study at university [5]

Great thread!

Okay, I want to talk about the word "defects." A defect is usually a problem with a product. If I buy a computer and a part is missing, that is a defect. A better word to use here is drawback. A drawback is an unfortunate side-effect of something:

On the other hand, entering society before enrolling in higher schools education has a few drawbacks. defects .

Initially, after graduating from high school, people are not strong enough both in physical and spirit spiritually, and they are short of working experience and skills...

Overall, each coin has double two sides, and although ...
:-)

Book Reports / King Lear Two old men acquire wisdom by experiencing the inevitable- compare/contrast [7]

Yes, tragedy is a much better word there! Good idea.

Also, I think you did well showing that they both gained wisdom. The structure is very good for conveying that idea..."Both would cherish family and life even more after coming to terms with death, and realize the ills of their respective societies." This sums the first part up well. And then you show how they have a shift of perspective.

Essays / The long term impact of our current recession on the average family? - Writing Question [6]

You can write a sentence about the way the word has changed in recent years.
You can write a sentence about some part of family life.

Just start by writing a sentence. Do you understand the topic?

You can be very creative with the way you discuss family life. Maybe you can make Facebook a theme for your essay, because Facebook is one of the new big things in the world that affect the way people communicate.

Good luck! Let's see what you write...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Physics was draining my mind" - Academic Achivement [5]


This depends on the wisdom of the admission person. And as for going too far or not far enough, that is something I think about a lot. I guess my opinion is like this: it is egotistical of me to make much of my writing or of writing in general, as though I am some kind of connoisseur. It is better if I jam with the essayist like musicians sitting in a circle.

Thanks for the work you did here, Rajiv!

First sentence:
Education helps bring one's potential to its maximum. A human being ...

Christian, are you able to understand the corrections? Do you have a question about them? Please type the essay, and use the corrections if you can. Type it in a post below.

Then, we can look to see if you still have errors. Maybe you will have to make some changes so that it expresses your real meaning.

:-)

Scholarship / Max Borders on Regulation video "New Threats to Freedom" [2]

Hi Rosalee, welcome to our community!

...video he stated, that "...cottage industries are at the beginning of wealth creation" (put page number here in parentheses). This is a profound statement. The need for...

...as friends and neighbors are financially forced to close their stores. A healthy balance must be achieved.----Very good writing here... in the following paragraph, I think it would be great to cite a book or article in order to strengthen the presentation.

I like the ending a lot. This whole essay is going to really impress them. Be confident about it! And strengthen it by citing some interesting articles if possible. :-)

One good way to improve this is to add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a sentence that really CLARIFIES the argument you are making. Get even more specific about what you suggest at the end of that last paragraph, because that sentence contains the meaning of the whole essay.

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

Hi Edward, I'm going to go check out your essays right now...

:-)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A question about teacher`s remuneration [5]


You can end the first paragraph this way, but if you want to have a very clear argument you can change this sentence so that it expresses your main idea about why you feel this way. Know what I mean? Instead of saying, "Let's look at the reasons," say, "The reason is _______________________.

Then, use the rest of the essay to explain the reason... especially the topic sentences.


Wow, very good. If you explained this at the end of the first paragraph, I think it would be a great way to sum up your main idea. Well, maybe not. Maybe I am wrong... it is good the way you are doing it, but make the last sentence of the first pargraph more meaningful.

This is really very high quality writing already. I probably already told you that. It's not overly complex, and it has great variation of sentence-structures...

Undergraduate / "I decided to volunteer in the hospital" - IB school [5]

You need a period at the end of the first sentence:
The way you look at simple things determines how you behave and live your life. I'm definitely ...

But I do love reading books, and what I have read about Helen Keller turned my page. What she said, that one should, "always look to the sun and you will never see the shadow," is logically ...

and figuratively meaningful to me. It changed my life.-----This part is excellent.

I learnt a lot from them: simply from how to smile while being receiving an injection, or how to look at the sun without being dazzled.

Nice!!

Essays / Countryside better than city? Yes, It is vibrant and full of life [6]

No! Stop asking people to do it for you.

Try typing some sentences about the city.
Then, type some sentences about the country.

You must be the one to do it, and then you will improve.


The city is also vibrant and full of life. :-)

Do not make this seem harder than it is. Type the sentences that express your ideas about the city and country. I see your good communication in other threads. You can do it!

Undergraduate / "Not a world-famous diplomat or activist" - essay for an IB school [4]

Edward, you have a cool username! It spreads the positive feelings...

Let's look at this essay:
My childhood wasn't days with dolls or cooking games.
It was, rather, days with stained T-shirts, dirty football games and daddy-be-teacher science classes.

During these days, I could freely discuss what I am really interested in: Science. I realised that my father is the most important person of my life.

Okay, very good, but instead of saying "science," you should mention what specific kinds of science most interest you.

:-)
Awesome, I really like your style of communication. The end of the essay is the best.

Graduate / the idea of playing individual sports and team one (master degree admission) [10]

Nowadays , people raise to exercise every morning or when they have free time.

In my view, each of concepts would be advantages. type has advantages and disadvantages.

Accordingly, the idea of team sports is to build strong relationship among members of the team.

For instance, if people play volleyball, they have to manage thier their team well by ...

using energy and power in order to strenghten strengthen the match.

As they experience winning together, their team has a good time and close ...

Moreover, I really enjoy it and have fun when I play with her.

:-)

You write very well! Don't worry about the small errors. We all have small errors.
Here are some more corrections:

No need to use "age" twice:
from the age of six to twelve. years of age .

...they want to expand their knowledge, raise society's awareness, and enhance interpersonal relationships.

----Use a spell checking program:
school is that they can learn human behaviours. They study of the way different human live. If they know many kinds of human behavior they will understantd understand each other and work better.

I am glad you are practicing here with us!

Writing Feedback / "Parents are first" - narrative essay [12]


"But now, I'm in university and I chose the literary section because it is the subject of my own interest; after eighteen years of obedience, I am ready to choose for myself the direction of my studies.----I made it very eloquent to reflect your great personality. :-)

Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay about whether studying history is important [4]

History to some people could be not very interesting, and they believe that studying the subject will not help to understand the value of modern world. ---I added a few words so that it would be a little better.

I think you are doing very well! You can make the style of writing sound more natural if you just read some excellent literature every day.

To sum up, despite the fact that there are some people might think studying the past is boring and useless as it brings little value to modern life, I strongly think that it is not just important but almost compulsory necessary for us to study history as it helps to develop critical thinking skills and doing research skills, which are two very important skills that we need for living and working.

:-)

Scholarship / "The indelible inspirations and values inculcated by the trio" - Ntu scholarship [11]

At the beginning of the essay, I think science is not the right word to use. It is too general. This is an age of specialization. Moreover, people who read a lot about the topics that interest them tend to develop strong opinions and SPECIALIZED interests. So instead of referring to science, I think you should specify one or more of your particular areas of interest in that sentence. Referring generally to "science" doe not make a strong start.

At the end of the essay, I think "chronic" is not the best word. Also, at the end, like at the beginning, I think you should refer to specific interests and inspirations that motivate you. Show that you have been reading.

I think you have a great approach, referring to Einstein and Beethoven. Continue it by showing how that juxtaposition influences your current reading.

:-)

Graduate / "I will strive to be an effective physician assistant" - SOP Why I want to be a PA [4]

I don't think healthcare provider should be capitalized here.
Becoming a Healthcare Provider has been a dream that I have ...

That first paragraph has excellent thoughtfulness and emotional appeal.
In my immediate family I am the first to attend and graduate from college. I also will be the first to ... Okay, excellent. this is a strong essay. Try to have logos, ethos, and pathos. You have pathos. That is emotional appeal. Next comes logos, which is logic; for this, I think it helps to explain a clear, detailed plan.

Then, ethos. This is where you show how motivated you are, not just motivated to do this program, but actually motivated to read many medical journal articles as you expand your knowledge. So, what have you been reading? You do not have to write a whole paragraph about a medical journal article; just mention what medical topics intellectually interest you lately while you describe your plan for sharing your love, your skill, your time, and making the world a better place.

I really like your approach and your ideas. That's why I want you to make it stronger. Reading the medical journals makes you confident, intuitive, excellent.

Writing Feedback / Essay about happiness definition and it's effects - 'a kind of emotional feeling' [5]

I like the ending!! But do this:
But regardless of whether you are rich or poor...

Also...

...but some of them obviously cannot be ----ONE WORD, CANNOT

:-)

Hi Brook, thanks for joining our community! And Duminda did an excellent edit, like always.