Writing Feedback / Some people argue using a cleaner energy to protect the environment [4]

- With the rapid technology advance of technology ,...

- The negative effects are seemed inevitable.

- To prevent further damage to the earth's environment,

- Although current technology mightmay not be not advance enough to switch completely,

- it is prefered to use high quality energy materials that withhas less harmful impact onto the environments .

- However, people more than onethe country suffered from the consequence fromof ..

- Also California had similar air problem too.

- It may only take a few years to makedo the damage,

- but recovery would not be donewill not happen overnight.

- People learn lessons from past, and thus in numerous inventions and innovation emerged,

- encouraging people to use cleaner energy.

So there you have it Uuu, I made a few correction.
Overall, your essay is good however, you have to mind to structure of your sentence as to which part of the sentence is the best place to input your words. This will also make sure that you send your message across and will keep your ideas from jumping everywhere.

One thing that you also have to work on is the strength of your ideas, being objective at all times and making sure that research is done thoroughly before coming up with an article.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / Common App essay - My story of escaping persecution and moving to the USA [2]

Outlooker, I will look on this specific part of the essay, I hope it helps;

- After moving to the U.S. at the age of 15,...

- My first few months at an American public school were alien to mewas extraordinary ,...

-I am grateful everyday for the opportunity to pursue my dreams without fear of retribution for afrom religious affiliation.

- FurthermoreIn addition to this ("Furthermore", has been used too many times in the essay, so a different approach is helpful) , my maturity,..

There you have it Outlooker, as you can see there's only a few corrections because your essay is great.
Only a few remarks that will hopefully enhance your essay.

Now, since this is an essay for an application to the university, I suggest that you include some thoughts on how you would become an asset to the institution, what are your ideas that will be helpful to the academic principles of the university and for greater good.

This will help the faculty see you, not only as a student but as a citizen who is willing to devote time and energy for everybody's welfare.

Good luck.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Essays / Technology and new generation - need help with my thesis statement [3]

RCWW1, first of all, you should be able to write your own essay. Actually you're already off to a good start, being able to come up with the subject of your essay.

Now, I understand that it's rather easy to think than to write but believe me when you get into it, you will go on writing.

There's a lot of things to talk about, specially because your topic is very broad, a lot of discussion can be made.

I lined up a few guidelines for you;

- what is the cause and effect of technology in our lives

- does it out weigh the disadvantages that technology brings

- does it answer the problems that we have

- what are the ways to utilize technology to the welfare of humankind

I hope this guidelines help you.

Post your thesis and we will help enhance it.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Some people think the extra-curriculum school work and activities shall be decided by students [7]

- I agree that students should have right the to choose..

- For one thing, this decision should be within certain choices range that is offered by their school.

- ... students spend on their extra-course that preventing...

- First of all, it is not feasible to let students to decided whatever..

- For example, if there is only one student interested in taking photography class, in order to fulfill the demand, not only teacher's time, but also the equipment havethat has to investbe invested to this course.

- ImagingImagine hundreds...

- I doubt there is any school that could ...

- ..possible to help students discover theirinterested fields that interest and relax them from daily study as well.

- .. use their free right to choose what they want to take.

- ... sometimes is not because I don't like it,

- but lack the lack of motivation and right guide to do that.

- Finally, schools should control the maximum time that students spending on their extra-course.

- Certainly there would be many curriculums that are more interesting than main courses, like math or history.

- However, this choosechoice should be within certain restrainsconditions .

There you have it, UUU0301, I made a few enhancement on your essay. I hope it helps.

Also, mind your sentence construction as going through your essay, it's missing linking verbs that will completely makes more sense to the sentence.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / In any situation, progress requires discussion among people who have contrasting points of view. [2]

- Discussion play an important role to find the best solution ofto any problem.

- First, Debate on any problem leads to many ways to solve them.

- Second, discussion can resolves many social issues.

- For example, we can protect wild life and our environment byin different ways .

- For instance,(you have used this phrase a few times, if it's not necessary don't place it) some will suggest that have to cut off use of automobile vehicle and some will say we should use solar energy automobile to cut off smog and to protect our environment.

- For example,In a conversation between husband and wife makes their married life successful.

- For consideration, there are many points in a couples life on which they have different opinion. But, a healthy conservation resolve their problem and makes their bond more stronger.

Anamikam, overall, your essay is good. However, a conversation and a discussion or debate is very different. Conversation is between people that highlights views and opinion however discussion or debate is for two opposing views with very strong argumentative appeal. Well, you are very objective on your essay which is very good and keep up the good work.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Speeches / Donating to a church speech [3]

Master,

First of all, you need to start the essay or the speech on your own, post it here and we will try to enhance it for you.

To give you an idea on your speech, since this speech is like a thank you message, let your speech talk about the following;

- how thankful you are of the church and it's congregation for helping you

- how you achieved you position now with their help

- how anybody can do the same as you with the help of the church

- how perseverance is the key to success

- to wish for impossible is possible

- and the power of give and take, love and understanding of each other.

We hope to see your speech.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / "Can stress cause diabetes?" - essay for Newcastle University Partners [3]

Emotional stress

- Firstly , a group of sS wedish researchers collected a population sample consisting of life events from 67 patients aged 0-14.

- These life events werehave something to do with difficult adaptation and poor family function before the individuals had diabetes.

- Thus, suggesting emotional stress is certainly linkedhas certain link to diabetes.

Well, Paul as you can see I only have very minor corrections.
I understand why you feel that your essay lack some critical characteristics or like an investigative journalism but
you don't have to, all you have to do is stick to the facts you gathered, be objective all the time and it's not necessary to use big words to draw attention from your readers. However, for your essay to engaging, use medical words, this is already in some content of you essay so there's nothing to worry.

I hope to help you in your future writing.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / An essay about Christian Philosophy [3]

- " The Christian-inspired pedagogy of ABC University inspires me to put God at the center of my education.

- Without revering God, we would most likelyto succumb to intellectual effrontery and pride.

- As a communication student, this requires me to use to the gift of speech responsibly.

- Like the schoolinstitution , my goal is to us the internet to help improve public awareness on pressing social issues.

- Particularly, using the social media, I will participate in the growing efforts to promote, above all, equality and justice."

I suggest adding this sentences;
Christian Philosophy is not only a belief, it's a way of life that everybody should respect if not practice. Being christian that I am, I would love to keep up and practice the morals of a christian, as they say, "practice what you preach", otherwise behave and mind your own business.

Tamaraw, as this is a short essay, it's very short, I suggest adding a few more sentences.

As I go through it, first I notice was your open quotation that you closed in the end, there's nothing wrong using this punctuation mark, however as it is called, this punctuation mark is use to quote a saying or a belief.

Overall, your essay is good. I say write more and practice.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Toefl: professors should spend more time educating rather than researching [2]

- As for a professor, who works for university, he should follow the university mottovision and contribute to the educational cause.

- Therefore, the duty to teach should be putthe utmost priority before conducting research.

- On the oneother hand, students who receive high-quality education and special guidance from professors are likely to become future leaders in various industries, including researchers, which has profound influence on the whole society.

- On the other handFurthermore , professors may also benefit from their students when exchanging ideas and get inspiration for their research.

- In conclusion, I strongly support that university professors should spend more time educating students than doing research because as a primary responsibility of professors,

- it benefits not only the university for it is a plus to theas it boost it's reputation of university ,

- but also the society for itincultivatescultivating talents to become future experts in all fields.

There you have it Lisa, I made a few corrections, I hope it helps.

Overall, it's a well written essay, just mind a few minor grammar enhancement and sentence structure.

Good luck on your TOEFL, let us know what happens next.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Young people must be encouraged and inculcated about the importance of a long-term, realistic goals. [2]

- If one starts their business or any activity after proper planning then they may achieve their goals or targets,even if not in a stipulated time.Very well

As I read through the sentence above, I'm quite confused. I suggest rephrasing or making the sentence a little bit clear.

- personalities from around the world,say for instance MR. WARREN BUFFET, MR. RATAN TATA, etc succededsucceeded in their life inand their filedsfields . Turn on your spell checker all the time.

- It was possible due to their persistancepersistence and hard work they did with planning what best they can achieve.

- Even COCOCOCA -COLA in their very first year was able to sell only a few cold-drinks but with their patience and dedication towards thier work they are now on of the biggest company to sell cold-drinks. Brand name emphasis should be capitalized and again your spelling.

- Fame and recognition all comes along our way if we are succesfulsuccessful .

- So our aim shall not be towards fame and
recognition.But there are some instances where people come with such an innovative ideas that they get fame anbdand reputation within weeks or days.

- In sum, we can say that young people must be encouraged and inculcatedtaught about the importance of long-term, realistic goals.

Rocky, I can say your essay is very rocky.
There are a lot of corrections made, a few minor one's but definitely crucial to the whole essay.

Work on your spelling, a spell checker on your computer absolutely helps, your sentence construction as well as how you chronologically organize your essay.

Well, practice writing more.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / 'my sense of needing to give back to the community I live in' - PEACE CORPS Motivation Statement [3]

- Whether it was rescuing them from spiders in the back of their bunk or cheering them on when they tackedthey're tackled for the first time on a windsurfing board- being there for them meant as much to me as it did to them.

-The leadership and communication skills I learned by taking care of these children and general compassion I developed for them is irreplaceable.

- I had never seen this before in the small beach town where I grew up in . I resented my naiveté, but this only strengthened my resolve to help the people surrounding me.

CarrieG, first of all, WELCOME to EssayForum, you're yet another member of the growing EF Family.

It humbles my heart that you are very passionate in helping the country by serving in the Peace Corps.
I wish you the best of luck!!!

Now, your statement or letter is well done, as you can see there's not much corrections I made and the one's I did hopefully helps.

When you write always proof read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / So why would I pick the University of Texas? Simple. Because of the computer science program. [3]

KnightofGondor, WELCOME to EssayForum!!!

Let me try to help out;

- "As a homeschooled individual, I've always had a desire to learn. After all, it's what motivated me through high school, and continues tocontinued at Austin Community College. This sentence should not start with an open quote if there is no closing, otherwise it's a good sentence to start with.

- When I find a topican interesting topic , studying stops being a work, and more aboutof an enjoyment.

- I enjoy learning about the past in history, in fact I'm quite sad that there's no more history classes required offrom me.

- The other job, I want to do theis programming for a game.

- I wish to put love and passion into my work for a people to enjoy and maybe love as much as I do.

- I might not always succeed at what i'mI'm trying to accomplish, but that's okay.

Overall, I can say that the your letter is written well, I believe your off to a good start.

However, mind your linking verbs as this plays an integral part of your letter and I know that it's just typo but make sure that your subject such as, I, I'm, etc., should be written in capital letter, this is also crucial.

Before submitting your letter proof read it too.

Good luck and we would love to hear what comes out of your application.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Book Reports / 'Emily as a victim of change' - critical analysis essay of "A Rose for Emily" [3]

Ameadows, WELCOME to EssayForum, you're yet another great addition to the growing EF Family.

Now, I will try my very best to work on your critical essay;

- "A Rose for Emily" is a short story written by William Faulkner.

- Faulkner tells about how the busy body women ("busy body women", I'm not really sure what you mean by this statement) are so quick to jump to conclusions about things.

- In conclusion it appears that Emily was a victim of change.

- Faulkner had a different style of writing thenthan most authors.

- Faulkner's writes a puzzling essay that makes the reader concentrate on exactly what is being written.

Ameadows, overall your essay is good, however I cannot say that it's written well due to the following corrections;

- the subject, "Faulkner", has been mentioned all through out the essay in a sense that it is so repetitive and annoying, it's good to talk about your subject but not to the extent that it affects the thought of the essay.

- your linking verbs are not quite written in the places or spot in your sentence where they are suppose to be.

For beginners, though, you are off to a good start, I hope the corrections I made, help enhance your essay.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / CREATING PELLETS - the sawdust passes three physical process and two temperature treatments [3]

Paddoo, WELCOME to EssayForum, you are yet another member of the ever- growing EF Family.

Now, I'll make a few enhancement on your essay if needed, here it is;

- The flow chart reveals how to make wood pellets in order to heat the buildings. I'm not sure what you mean on this sentence, I suggest re-phrasing

- Overall, there are two forms of wood before beingbecoming pellets.

- NestNext , the pellets are packaged to bags for marketing.

There you have it, Paddoo, very minor corrections from my end.

However, when writing, mind the following;

- verb form
- sentence construction
- proof read

Overall, your analysis is good, it's written well, detailed as needed and required.

Keep it up.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / Encounter with the slums - Significant Experience Essay [3]

ThatFilipinoKid, WELCOME to EssayForum, it's nice to hear that our EF Family is growing and you as a member is definitely a pleasure.

Now, I will try my best to help you out, here it is;

- IIt started out becausewhen my friends recruited me and little by little I discovered my passion forto helping others.

- One unforgettable moment I will forever treasure is my interaction with the people from the slums area around the town.

- At first, I felt nervous and anxious about the idea becauseand I never really liked going to such places but when I went there with my co-members, my heart stopped as I saw those faces in grief and pain.

-The sadness I felt turned around as I began to see smillingsmiling faces.

- My earsheartwerewas delighted when itI hear people saying those soft "Salamat Po" which translated "Thank You" in English.

- My eyes were enthraledenthralled as I saw the hope we are bringing to them.

- I was amazed on how a simple volunteer work can changed the lives of families and how it came back to us.

There you have it, a few corrections from my end. The experience you had in this neighborhood is definitely enlightening and I would love to do the same that's why me and my fiance and starting to go for coupon shopping and we do this not for us but for people in need too. Just to share with you, we are even collecting the amenities that our hotel are giving out so we can give them to the needy. It's a very nice feeling to be able to help and believe me, you soul is much happier that they are ever. Keep up the good work.

Now on your essay;

- mind your linking verbs

- your verb form

- spell check should be on all the time

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / RE: Regents Scholarship Appeal Statement [3]

- However, I would ask that you re- consider the following points, and especially note my strong recovery this Spring Semester.

- I struggled balancing all my personal relationships, especially this challenging one, with my school work.

- This was aggravated last Fall (2014) following a near-fatal accident that left my girlfriend with a lot of mental and physical damage.

- In the future, I will be ableThis experience enabled me to identify,prioritize and avoid spending too much time on personal relationships rather than work because of this experience .

- I will continue these habits in the future as I have seen how successful I can be. Rephrasing this sentence;

Having seen my potential in achieving my goals, I promised myself to continue prioritizing my studies above anything else and my devotion to the field will always be on top of my list.

Scholarappels, WELCOME to EssayForum, it's great to be part of the EF Family.
Now, as you can see I made a few corrections that will hopefully enhance your essay.
I salute you for being brave and able to overcome the challenges of life but there's still a lot more to come
so be strong more than ever and be a man that you are.

Let us know how your appeal went, we would love to hear it.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Overweight now is becoming a serious health threat globally [2]

- Then, another an important factor for weight loss is exercising efficiently andwith high-intensity.

- Again, this pattern also is going to raise heart health rate in the long run.

- In addition to this, with high regularly exercise and adding a healthy diet will beis an effective fat-burning machine to restore an excellent health normally .

- Last but not the least, this will prevent a deadly disease such as cardiac arrest for blood circulation system in human body can be normal function.

- The aforementioned evidence reveals that parents and teachers play an important role in solving this problem throughby having control of their children over growing time,

- whilst persons' awareness to plan an exercise program regularly will excel this case to reach an optimal solution.

- Therefore, I would recommend that the government should take charge of the problem like to restrict advertising fast-food industry which is exposed massively on television,

- so that either parents or teachers can maximize in educating the children toand protect them from consuming a dangerous food.

Iqbal, I did a couple of paragraphs on your essay. One thing that I notice in the end was, you being subjective and blaming the government in this Obesity issue, as a writer, you have to be objective all the time, because believe me, if you go global and a certain institution or entity reads your essay blaming the government, you will be in much bigger trouble than obesity. Be objective. Voice out your opinion but never blame.

Also, mind the following;

- linking verbs

- grammar

- proof read

- sentence construction

Keep writing

Cheers

Writing Feedback / Technology is not an obstacle for a human being in thinking, and doesn't reduce intellectual skills [2]

Kup,

WELCOME to the EssayForum Family, it's always a pleasure to welcome yet another member of the ever - growing EF Family.

Now, let me work on your essay;

- Technology is not aan obstacle for a human being to think and decrease thetheir intellectual skill.

- But it solves many big problems which is almost impossible to do with out technology."with out", is one word "without") , Aa nd save enormous time.

- For instancesS uppose someone wants to travel from one place to other for delivering message then he can do it in minimal time with technology compared to without use ofnot using technology.

- It has been seen that in world war - 2, it was very difficult for British to decipher the German code "Enigma", then Allen Turing has developed a machine which could donedo it in a very small time and was able to save millions of life.

So, there you have it Kup, a partial help for corrections on your essay from my side. I did it partially so that you can follow thru and practice writing better. Now, when you do, mind the following;

- sentence construction

- grammar

- word choice

- proof read your essay all the time

- linking verbs

Re- write it and post it back here on EF so we can enhance it further.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Nature and nurture on human's intelligence - innate inheritance and personal experiences influence [2]

- In my opinion, neither of these two factors alone is enough for individuals'one's development.

- SecondlyNow , nurture plays a vitally important role as leveraging pedals for reaching self-domestication of human's full potential of intelligenceintellect .

- It is perhaps commonly believed that environmental factors are important for one's development of intelligence, but another inescapableundeniable fact is being left out of consideration is genetic relations.

- Primarily, level of intelligence is mostly determined by depending on genetic inheritance.

- Nevertheless, it's not only wits and innate abilities, are enough forit's also people's thorough development of intelligence but alsoand environmental influences andas well as acquired experiences.

There you have it, a little help from my end, hopefully it enhanced your essay.

Overall, it's a good piece of essay, keep practicing and write more.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Having more than one job. Possible causes and suggestions for future working. [3]

- Firstly , due to the demand of having more exciting working....

- SecondlyNext , thanks to the development of technology, many occupations have become less heavierheavy so workers can have more free time.

Tuananh, there you have it, very minor corrections from my side.

Overall, you did a good job in writing this essay.
Practice more and when you do write more, mind the following;

- proof read all the time

- sentence construction is a vital content of an essay

You are doing great in writing you essays, keep up the good work.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Do movies or TV influence people's behaviour? Use specific reasons and examples in your answer. [3]

Alina,

WELCOME to EssayForum, it's always a pleasure to have yet another member of the ever- growing EF Family.

Let me help you enhance your work;

- It is as sure as a gun that TV and movies are the most influential resources of beingfor people to get informed for people .

- But they are all bandedbonded by the fact that this entertainment has a direct affecteffect on their behavior.

- He literally goes through fire and water but the perseverance and optimism leaded him to success.

- Nevertheless, like everything in this world , TV and movies have their own bad siteside such as stupid programs or films for adults only.

- Firstly , some individuals consider TV as "idiot box" for consisting over-the-top shows which lead to blocking people's intellectual ability.

There you have it Alina, a few corrections from my end.
I suggest you follow thru and enhance your essay so you can practice and while you do, mind the following;

- sentence construction

- word choice

- be objective all the time

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Responsibility of problems - People or Governments [3]

Eric27,

WELCOME to the EssayForum Family, it's a pleasure to have yet another member of the ever-growing EF Family.
Now, I will help you out with your essay;

- This world is wounded with problems butand to overcome the problems should wedo people should contribute ourselves or the government?

- Although few might look this into different perspective but majority advocatesfavors the idea that we people are responsible for the problems that we face today.

- Bangladesh government remained irresolute on dealing with the famine since it did not have any sufficient resources to fix the economic engine that broke down because of the war but there came a turning point came when Dr. Younus came to Bangladesh....

- In conclusion, today we live in a society where people have their rights to speak, to stand up for problems and to solve their problems.

So, there you have it, a few correction from my end, I hope it help enhance your essay.

Overall, it's a good piece of writing as you can see I only have a few corrections .
However, mind the following;

- sentence construction and grammar

- linking verbs

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The appreciation for positive actions is the best way to teach [5]

Anamikam, first of all, WELCOME to the EssayForum Family!!! It's a pleasure to welcome you to the ever-growing EF Family.

So, let me help you out a little bit;

- The best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones.
This statement actually caught my attention the first time I read your essay due to the fact that I'm just against the idea of ignoring negative actions, however I'll continue reading for me to get your point, after all, I want to read your argumentative essay.

- Therefore, I believe that praise for positive action is best way to teach. I have few points to support my instancesground .

- Firstly , appreciation makes our moral high forin learning difficult things .

- When we want to achieve something, which is difficult and hard to learn (mind your punctuation marks, if the sentence is too long, the idea is lost, this is when a comma (,) or a period (.) comes in, in order to make your sentence mean more ) , if somebody boost up us up then we can get thanthat goal.

- For instance, when I was in class eighth grade , I got poor mark in history.

- I lost my confidence however I promise to do better in the next exam.

- At that time my parents inspired me by ]to praise praising my character.

- Thus, their inspiration boost up my confidence and in the next exam I secured excellent mark.

So there you have it, I hope I was able to help. You still have a lot to do, follow thru and mind the following;

- verb forms

- grammar and sentence construction

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Are examinations good selectors off the classrooms? [3]

Tuananh, WELCOME to EssayForum Family, we're growing and we're thrilled to have you as part of the family.

I'll be working on your essay and hopefully I can help enhance it and share my expertise in the English language.

- Another special consideration in this case is that exams promote civila healthy competition among individualsstudents .

- To specifySpecifically , it can be clearly seen that good marks and high study results are dominant factors and tools of intelligence measurement;, as a result,

- this rapidly self-developing ofdevelop students canto reach its height in such competitive environments.

- In addition, assessments can be perfect means for teachers to evaluate their teaching methods so as to give new strategies and increase the effectivenesseffectivity in teaching theirin lessons.

- In contrastIn the contrary , examinations also have a number of drawbacks.

So, there you have it, a little help from my side, hopefully it works.
I suggest that you follow through and mind the following;

- word choice

- verb form

- linking verb

- grammar and sentence construction as this is a major point to consider in order to create a good piece of writing

- proof read

Overall, you're off to a great start, practice writing more and read a lot, this helps your vocabulary and will definitely enhance your writing skills.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Are testing and examinations justified? The current system needs some improvements. [4]

- To begin with, the most obvious advantage of testing and exams ( "testing and exams", this is synonym to each other and basically very redundant, I suggest keeping or choosing one term to use ) is the fact that it allows teachers to get access to students' educational and understanding process.

- Marks and points in some exams convey a fairly clear view of each student's level as well as the degree to which students understand the subject matter, teachers can thereby employapply corresponding teaching strategies suitable for all students.

- What is more, examinations and testing also help parents to get a grasp of their children's educational situations at schools to put them under regular supervision if needed to be.

- To put itin theIn a nutshell, the benefits of testing can far outstrip its disadvantage.

Good job, this is a well written cause and effect essay.
However, be mindful of the following;

- word choice

- sentence structure, you tend to go back and forth with your idea

- proof read

- verb use especially your linking verbs

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Insecure feelings in people. Causes and suggestions. [3]

- There is a large number of number(make sure to proof read) of people who experience the sense of being unsafeunsafetiness either at home or when they are out.

- Personally, I think this issue is very much related to criminal situation, social media and news media which should receive more attention and concerns from both governments and the public.

- Thus, more and more people are being competed and having difficulties in getting and maintaining their position in their current careersas competition is getting higher .

- Those who lose in job due to competition are more likely to be tempted by illegal activities and become criminal,

- which provides the best explanation forof the increasing innumbers of criminals every year. -

- Secondly, people's mental and spiritual life are presently continually bombarded by all sorts of negative information from newsthe media.

- Too much exposure to such information can, for most of the time, takes a huge toll on their outlook of life.

There you have it, a few corrections that will hopefully help.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The intrinsic value of doing homework. Is it necessary for students? [2]

Kuroneko, WELCOME to EssayForum, we're an ever - growing family and we're happy to have you!!!

Now, I will try to help you enhance your essay.

- Homework is entirely very familiar to every student.

- First and foremost, by means of doing homework, they have another opportunity to review all the knowledge and materials they learn atin class, which helps them not only find out what they do not understand and make it out but also learn the lessons again.

- Secondly, that students do their homework allows teachers to track students' educational progress and helps them determine how well they acquire knowledge is acquired by their students .

There you have it Kuroneko, a few corrections from my side that will hopefully help.
You're off to a good start in writing and I know you can do more.

Keep writing

Cheers!!

Undergraduate / "Psychology wasn't my first choice" - UC transfer personal statement [3]

Deftpunk, WELCOME to Essayforum Family!!!

Here's my help on your application.

- To tell the truthHonestly , Psychology wasn't my first choice in regards to what I wanted to do with my life.

- InFrom the beginning, architecture was my first choice when it camecomes to my future.

- Over the course of my life and education, Psychology was rooted intoat the back of my head unbeknownst to who I projected into the outside world.

- It interested me because it had answers as to why people are depressed,...

- I sought my own methods toin dealing with my personal problems through research and I avidly continue searching, but what reinforced my desire to explore Psychology was volunteeringwhen I volunteered one spring. .

-In my Spring of 2015 semester I volunteered at Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Center where a variety of patients suffer from different levels of mental illnesses.

- The center had an unusually gloomy aura due to the negativity encircling the residents, butand that is why people like me decide to volunteer.

- Being exposed to nurses and psychiatrist's working directly with patients allowed to me to understand what went wrong in my past and how I can use my own experiences to help other people.

- Simply speaking with ill patients was enough for me to fall in love with this line of work. The idea that I can have an impact on someone's life through simply listening to their story amazes me because human beings are in fact social creatures that desire understanding and communication.

- Something I never had, but desire to give. ( I'm not sure what you want to tell in this sentence)

- As ambitious as my goals seem, I know they are not impossible because I've seen the impossible resolved by the patients ofat Skyline Health and Rehabilitation Centerand in the eyes of the patients there is hope with the help of people like me .

- People endlessly stumble through life and they do in order to see the the path towards inner peace.

Deftpunk, overall, your application is good. I made a few corrections that hopefully will enhance your letter.
However, I want to put myself on the moderators side, the moderator will have to check and weigh your letter and will determine your admissibility.

Now, I believe letter lacks the points in terms of answering how can you contribute to the community and to the organization as a whole, remember, it's a give and take process, they allow you to get the best education and you in return should devote your time and energy to the institution.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / It is quite common presently for younger people to have a break from studying after graduating [3]

Jaggi, I agree with EF_Carol, your essay is written well, good job!!!

However, I would like to share what I found out upon proof reading your essay;

- It is quite common these days for younger people in many countries to have a break from studying after graduating from high school to gain some real life experience by visi ting or working in different countries. (the corrections I made on the part may look very minor but believe me they make a difference, that's why proof reading your essay before submitting it is a big plus)

- There are multifarious reasons to support the notion of a year gap year before entering into university education.

- Perhaps the major advantage in terms of personal life is that youngsters become self-confident when they travel away from their home,because in this situations they would need to takestake all their decisions on their own ability.

- Other significant reason is that when they visit different countries they will get a chance to broaden their horizons and knowledge about culture and traditions of other places.

- Another compelling cause is that while getting admitted into university,students need a knowledge about specific field in which they starts their study.

- So they take off a year after high school fulfilto fulfill this demand because it gives the opportunity tofor candidates to explore their surroundings while working in corporations.

- This would be a win-win situation from all perspectives.Academically,it is widely believed that the student who enroll ed in any workstype of job before university education may obtains good score than others.

There you have it, a little help from my end. I hope it helps and make sure that you follow through, mind the points below;

- spell checker to be turned on all the time

- word choice and the form

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / The web let us have an easy access to the latest information and let us easily bond with each other. [3]

Shuyuan, I believe your new to EssayForum, a very warm WELCOME to the EF Family...

Now, I'll make some contributions to enhance your essay;

- we do notdon't need to travel totoo far away places to get the data whichthat we need.

- For example, I can easily find a lot of related knowledgeinformation on the Web when II'm doing my research paper.

- In other words, I don't have to go tothe library to viewreview every book.

- In addition, information update quickestis very quick on the Internet.

- Newspaper, TV program, and magazine do not asdoes not have quick updatesquickly have the latest news as the Internet dodoes .

- Last but not the least, Webs provide many personal information and we can easily get betterto know about others and make friends with them.

- Even thoughHowever, many people isconcernconcerned that this will against thetheir personal privacy, I still think it is not a big deal comparingcompared to its benefits.

- Besides, the personal information is usually have disclosure by themselves.

- Take Facebook as an example, we can only see the message and personal info that bearepostposted by the person.

There you have it, Shuyuan, just mind your word choice and the form of the word you choose, also review your grammar as it is very essential in order for your sentences to make sense.

Overall, it's a good start, practice writing more, don't forget to proof read.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / What should be taught in universities? [3]

- It is widely believed that university acts as a main drivedriver for economic growth, a strong foundation for an individuals prosperity and social mobility.

- Personally, i strongly thinkbelieve that universities should concentrate their main concern on students employability.

- Judging byfrom the present situation, youth unemployment seems to increase at a rapid pace.

- The main culprit of this phenomenon is believed to be the unpractical and unrealistic curriculacurriculum provided by universities.

- On the contrary, for those who wish to work for a big corporation with international reputereputation , such skills as team-work, critical thinking or problem solving must be enhanced.

- In effect, all subjects solveserve a different purpose, which, at some point of our life, may be useful.

- In thea nutshell, schools should focus on teaching essential skills for future employment without overlooking and forgetting about other subjects.

Lacuslyne, this is a good piece of writing and I agree that focus and order of importance is good in developing the minds of our students. As one said, our children is the key to our brighter future, add a little bit of hardwork, knowledge and the can - do attitude, they should be good to go and face our ever challenging world.

Proof read all your writing

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Is Consumerism a major problem for societies today? [2]

Niravv, I would like to take this opportunity to WELCOME you to EssayForum. You're yet another addition to the growing EF Family.

Now, I'm going to work partially on your essay with the focus on what really matters most.

So here it is;

2nd paragraph

- Because this waste isn't sorted properly and just dumped, lots of industrial chemicals are being leakedleaking onto LEDC soil and making it harder for them to grow food.

- Strategies justsuch as product dismantling and Reduce Reuse Recycling (use a comma (,) to separate this 3 words) will help us fix waste management problems all over the world.

- Product dismantling is a specification that can be constructed by companies that allows their industrial products to be dismantledbroken down into smaller parts that can be recycled and used to repair other industrial products.

- Consumerism is causing lots of environmental issues that are mainly found in LEDC's, MEDC nations need to take steps to help develop LEDC's and stop exploiting the environmental protection .

4th paragraph

- When looked at in a positive light, consumerism is beneficial to our societiessociety .

- Most nations' (no need for the apostrophe on "nations") economies depend on the public purchasing goods.

- If consumerism wasn't so large than most countries they would have lower employment rates because of all the jobs that would be lost from retail and construction of products.

Last and final paragraph

- There are both negatives such as environmental problems, unsafe waste disposal and corporate brain washing, and the positives toof consumerism. Consumerism is an increase in consumption, more consumption creates more jobs and more income into societies and more income causes more consumption.

So there you go, I made a few corrections, I hope it helps.

Just mind the following;

- choice of words and their form

- try not to use "because" at the beginning of your sentence

- proof read it

Overall, I loved reading it, and I can say you're off to a good start.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Criminal habitual relapse. Cause and suggestions [4]

Lacuslyne, first of all, WELCOME to EssayForum!!! It's always amazing to have yet another fantastic member of the EF Family.

So, here's my contribution;

- There are many factors regardingcontributing to this this issue.

- Therefore, theyThey often lack general knowledge as well as skills which are essential in the working environment.

- To be more specific, they should stop focusing on keepingto keep those offenders away...

- To sum up, the problem of recidivism is a depressing onematter that needs great collaboration between governments and normal individuals.citizens as a whole.

So, there you have it. A few corrections that will hopefully help in enhancing your essay, just mind your choice of words as it makes up the sentence.

Overall, it's written well, good job!!!

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Scholarship / Endeavour Scholarship and Fellowship community service essay [3]

- I volunteered to teach English on 5th grade class at the elementary school on thatin the village.

- The school was short on teachers and itthey only have one book for each subject, therefore the children's education were left far behind the curriculum.

- The children of the class were easily distracted and played alota lot .

- Therefore, I came up towith an idea to make it intohave a quiz.

- And The best experience is when the students said that they wanted to be like me, go to college and have a good english skillskills so they can travel the world.

Ayankkit, overall I can say that your essay is in the middle range, not too strong and not weak either.
I made a few corrections, I hope it helps. Since this is for a scholarship application, I suggest you elaborate and write more, it really doesn't matter if what you did was for a month, a week or so, what matters is your willingness to contribute to the welfare of the community and to the environment as a whole, remember the goal is for greater good and for an experience that will enrich your soul through selfless contribution.

Oh by the way, WELCOME TO ESSAYFORUM!!!

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / "My Terrible Neighborhood" - Stating reasons and giving examples paragraph. [4]

Chamsky, WELCOME to Essay Forum!!! We are glad to have yet another member of the EF family.

Now, we go ahead and proof read your essay;

- My neighborhood is the worst place to live, so I have to another one because I cannot afford its rooms;( I have no idea what would you like to say at this part, I'm guessing; so I got a different one because I cannot afford the rooms )

- it is very perilous, and the people isare extremely noisy.

- For example,(this sentence should be a continuation from the previous one), Pablo pays 240 dollars monthly for his room even more expensive than my friends'( no need for apostrophe on the word "friends") rooms.

- Thieves brakebreak into the houses very often.

- For instance,( I understand that you need to provide examples on this essay but that doesn't mean that you have to use the word, "for instance" or "for example" all the time or as many as you can ) They broke into three houses last week.

- They yell extremely loud every night. In fact, you can hear them if you are standing totwo blocks away.

- In brief, my neighborhood is the most horrible place to live because of its high price rooms, dominated by thieves area, and inconsiderate and
uneducated people.

Well, there you have it Chamsky, most of the corrections I made are quiet major like grammar and the use of your linking verbs, so be careful and study on that.

I must say this neighborhood where you are is definitely one place that you should never live, check out a few places, for sure there are a lot more options for your $200 that's worth every bit of it.

Don't forget to proof read your essay at all times.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Should government support local film makers financially? [4]

- In a modern world, the movie industry is largely dominated by developed countries, where these filmmakers have often strive to exceed the viewer's expectation.

- This raises a hot potato issue('hot potato" in itself is an issue ) whether government should support local filmmaking industry.

- This essay will explainexplains the root cause of the emergent fond towards foreign films and solution to this issue.

- Numerous of foreign movie companies has the financial robust for special effects,....

- Furthermore, they are capable of offeroffering attractive salary for renowned actress, actors as well as directors.

Wei, I'm not sure, but I guess you're new to Essay Forum, if you are, A VERY WARM WELCOME!!!
It's always amazing to have one more addition to the EF family.

Now, we head to your essay, I can honestly say, it's written well, as you can see I only have a few corrections.
The corrections I made were mainly the choice of words that you have in your sentence composition.
Remember this is a major point as it is what constitute your essay, so be careful and know the exact form of the word
that you choose to form your sentences and your essay as a whole.

- proof read every piece of writing that you do

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Undergraduate / Notre Dame 'good story' essay: 150 eye-catching words. [3]

-A shame, really, to transition from pansophical I'm not sure what you'd like to say but I'm guessing you want to take on a word

synonym to "bizarre" ) beings to utterly normal ones and then back again;

Odall, first of all, WELCOME to EssayForum!!! It's always amazing to have a new member of our ever-growing family.

Well, let's tackle your essay, honestly, I'm just overwhelmed with your word choice, I understand that the "Notre Dame", is such a very good piece of

writing, with the best words you could ever imagine, what's separating it from your essay is, "Notre Dame" was written as a novel, and yours is an

essay that has the novel as a subject.

What you did here was, you tried to re-write the novel the way you understand it and I must say, it's not working pretty good.

The essay is asking for eye-catching words but that doesn't mean that you put in words that nobody understand or somebody like me that needs to look up every single word that you have in a sentence.

So, overall, I'm suggesting a total revision.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph to give advice for beginners of the English language ( About 140 words) [3]

- It's advisable that beginners of the English language should take the four following advicecritics .

- FirstlyFirst , they should put their love in it.

-However, once having beenthey have absorbed in E,all of their skills are improved dramatically.

- SecondlyNext , it's recommended that they notdon't translate sentences from Vietnamese to English. Because,because learners are affected by their mother tongue, they tend to make silly sentences whose meanings are not clear.that are meaningless.

- Consequently, they slow down their progress of English by themselvesin learning the language .

- ThirdlyNow , English language beginners should not try not to speak words that they do not know theirthe pronunciations because it will be hard for them to pronounce correctly those words laterthe words correctly later on .

- In short, English ais a lovely language to learn if people have foundwill be able to find their own suitable methods.

Vtnmai, first of all, WELCOME to essay forum. It's always great to welcome a new member to the EF family.

Now, your essay is good, however, you can see that I made a few corrections, I hope it helps.

Keep writing

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Compare/Contrast Essay - Similarities and differences between Me and my Brother [5]

Congratulations Bluebabey!!!

There's no greater joy for an editor like myself than to know that I was able to contribute to your success.

We #Keepwriting and enjoy it.

Cheers!!!

Writing Feedback / Do you think that universities should be available for all students and free? [2]

- University education is the cornerstone of development in all fields of life, medicine, engineering, sciences, and others.

- To begin with, all students have the rights to complete their studyingstudy .

- It encourages students to pursue their studyingstudies on these subjects.

- ConsequenceAs a reward, this will bring forth graduates that will contribute to build and develop their countries.

- In other words, government will be the first winner.it's a win - win situation.

- In Additionally, some students are forced to work part-time to save money fortopayingpay to university,

- But this problem can be solved, if the government imposes tax to supportingsupport universities.

-For instance, many countries put tax on companies to fund education .

- ThereforeIn the long run , many graduates infrom diverse majors will take part in the development these companies and make several achievements .make a difference.

- In conclusion, university education should be available for all students. In particular,particularly critical disciplines., ]which are important to gain accomplishment in these fields which that are considered lifeblood for all people.

M19, there you have it, I made a few corrections, I would also like you to keep these in mind;

- the use of punctuation marks

- where and when to cut your sentences, same goes with starting your sentences

- proof read

Keep writing

Cheers!!!