Writing Feedback / IELTS - Is consumerism a Positive or negative development? [3]

The traditional attire for Indian women is saree. Why yous link it with history? sounds redundant :(

You claim that western influence is the reason for this phenomenon. However, I believe it is globalization, which is predominantly coming form Western world, that has caused this change.

Overall, good writing - good vocabulary, structure and grammar. Good luck!
:)

Writing Feedback / Being a foreign language teacher is needed or not [4]


.... I don't get any idea from this statement. What is Open Police? You need to introduce it.


... some problem with grammar here :(
Overall, I think you have to work on improving clarity of your ideas.... It's very difficult to understand some sentences. What is the purpose of writing this essay? Is it for IELTS or TOEFL?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1; Making sea water drinkable [4]


.... this is not a natural process, so "sent" is more appropriate. I suggest you to capitalize the device (Salt Water Intake)
After this stage, water is forced through membrane at high pressure.
Overall, this is very good writing :)

Undergraduate / MY AUNT'S HOUSE: Place where you are perfectly content [3]


Practically inseparable, we both enjoyed each others company than with anybody else. .... since your next sentence too would talk about the things you did together, keep this one more open.


You are repeating this idea again here.... you said it as you opened your essay.

Whose family had these issues? Your's or your cousin's ? It's not clear :(

Undergraduate / My world is not a singular noun; UC - World you come from [2]


This is very impressive :)


My parents followed two philosophies when raising me;


I realized what a blessing was it to experience multitude of cultures and meet people with such diverse backgrounds.
Overall, a very good job .... Wish you good luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / World Cub can bring people of different ethics, color and language together [3]


... pretty good introduction.... the only thing that is missing out is your opinion on the issue. It is always good to conclude the introduction making a clear statement as to what side you take on the argument.


Both teams showed respect to each other by shaking hands before and after the match.

Writing Feedback / children in many countries are eating more fast-food and convenience snacks. [5]

Seems you write well. However, it's good if you included the prompt with the essay so that we know exactly what it requires and we can align our comments more with those requirements. i guess this essay meant for practicing for IELTS or TOEFL. Isn't is so?

Undergraduate / The day my mother broke her leg; The Most Significant Challenge ; UBC App [2]


The day my mother broke her leg was the day I began to grow as a responsible person.


She fell off from the stairs and underwent a surgery. Returned home in a wheelchair, she spent another three months bedridden and subsequent one year for slow recovery. It was very tough for our family.

Undergraduate / Shrimp Paste philosophy; Background or Story [3]

"No! I will never swallow it! Ever!"Never! "


... allegedly? .... this word , though it means "used to convey that something is claimed to be the case or have taken place, although there is no proof", generally used to give a negative impression. For example, an alleged burglar


That was my reaction during the trip to the seaside village in Thanh Hoa which has a reputation for the best shrimp paste in the province.

Writing Feedback / 'Teaching children and goals' - IELTS essay [4]


.... this sentence has many issues.... most importantly clarity and redundancy of words :(
There is no denying that upbringing of children plays a crucial role in determining whether they become good members in society or not.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The wealth gap between 1st world countries and 3rd world countries [4]


.... let's take this hook statement. I find this has a powerful idea, but it is not presented clearly. Rather it sounds too crowded with words. You have to display your vocabulary knowledge, but you should not overdo it. The most important thing in essay writing is that it should have clarity. Then only it would be interesting for the reader to read.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree that every organization has a right to set age maximum for the candidates ? [6]


... this sentences does not flow clearly due to weak word organization.
In this contemporary world, many organizations, both in government and private sector, determine the retirement age for their staff.
Well, I wonder why you had "contemporary world" in this sentence. What does it refer to? For me, I find those words redundant and do not add any meaning to this sentence. This is your hook which opens your essay and therefore it needs to capture the reader's attention strongly. Hook should be relevant to the topic and presented more attractively.

Undergraduate / Sakubva stadium ; the meaning of a soccer field to me [3]

It's good if you had the prompt included in the post so that we know what your response is about. I guess this is about the place you are perfectly content.


... in the first part, there is redundancy.
Sakuba Stadium is the place which reserves a very special in my heart because it is where some of the most exciting moments in my life occurred.

Have a separate line to tell what are those moments.

Graduate / I was highly motivated by the cutting edge research technologies; MS in VLSI- SOP [6]

Ok, you have talked a lot about your interests, credentials and experience. However, you haven't talked much about your future goals and how this program is going to help you achieve them. That is also very important in a SOP. The admission people would like to know what you aim to be and how you can make use of the degree you are going to earn at their instituion.

Letters / A letter to a British friend in 180-120 words about an important festival in your country [5]

Well, this is an informal letter, so you have so much freedom in writing the way you like. However, if this is for a particular examination task, I wish you should not sound too slang. For exaple,


This is fine when we talk, but sounds too slang for writing.
Hope everything is fine with you.


.... the word "which" gets repeated too soon. Also this sentence is crowded with too many ideas.
We celebrate the Bon festival in July which originates from a story of a disciple of the Buddha, who used his supernatural powers to protect his deceased mother from hungry ghosts.

Scholarship / We all realized that we were having the same issue; Gates Millennium Scholarship [3]


In school I came to know that this same call had approached the homes of some other students too.


... I feel you are too descriptive with the first part.
My fellow classmate Cheyenna who is a transfer student from Germany said that her American licence was turned down by school because she didn't have the attendance of thirty consecutive days. However, she too had been a victim of this absentee calls and she had no idea of how to fix it.

Writing Feedback / School violence is one of the social issues that is demanding corrective attention [7]

In our modern times, school violence has become an alarming phenomemonphenomenon that can have a deleteriousdangerous effects on students.


.... well, not just parents and teachers , but the authorities too... I think authorities too has a bigger role to play by introducing laws to control usage of dangerous arms.


This you already said in the introduction and therefore no reason to repeat in the body paragraph. Start the para with your reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Freedom, economics and education in China [5]

Economic success is considered to be one of the most important factors in the classification of the countries.


... "peoples" is wrong. "people" is the plural form for collection of men/women.


This part is pretty confusing. :(
there are a lot of people who believe economic success must be the only thing to decide which countries is the best.
You need to pay attention to grammar. You can certainly improve your grammar with practice.

Undergraduate / 'Beyond skin color' - College Essay about Diversity [2]


In my opinion, a university should be a place where I can challenge myself educationally, where I can debate opposing views, and where I enjoy myself with fellow students.


... take the focus on to you;
I want to be a part of diverse and knowledgeable student body because I am very interested in learning different views and perspectives of others and contrast them against my own.

Graduate / I found myself drawn to "macro social work practice" - PhD in Social Policy (SOP) [3]


While most of my peers chose to work directly with clients, I found myself drawn towards "macro social work practice," and thoroughly enjoyed and showed great aptitude in social policy and research focused courses.

It's good if you said a few more things about how this interest was developed, why you found it so interesting .... SOP is the only opportunity for you to talk about how your interest in the field developed. So, take that opportunity.

Graduate / My flair for Electrical & Computer engineering; Masters in Computer/Systems Eng- SOP [2]

Well ... these are all known facts and I think they would not be really interested in reading them. The SOP can be the most important document in the application for the admission guys. Other parts of your graduate-school application like test scores, transcripts, letters of recommendation, writing samples , don't say as much about you as a person as the statement of purpose can: your proudest accomplishments alongside your fondest hopes and dream. So, I feel you should not waste words for these obvious stuff. Talk about you as much as possible.

Undergraduate / Pursuing a career in medicine;Why UCF? What qualities/unique characteristics do I possess? [2]


Why UCF's College of Medicine, in particular? You need to answer that question here and that is what they are interested in knowing. Tell why it stands out form Medical faculties of other universities. What unique features you found at UCF's College of Medicine? You need to tell them.


UCF is close to my home so I would not feel too much homesick.

Undergraduate / Exercise Biology - Transfer UC ;What is your intended major? [2]


I find some redundancy in this line :(
For most of my life, the morning routine usually began with helping my father out of bed because he could not manage it on his own.


My father had fibromyalgia when I was only seven and the next year he was diagnosed with herniated disc.


... I am not clear about the latter part :(


From that point onward, he suffered a severe pain when trying to move and kept away from enjoying life.

Undergraduate / I was isolating myself from other people's views; Virginia Tech- Principles of Community [3]


.... how are you ensured about that? that is what they are interested in knowing :) How their Principles of Community would ensure this? Connect your idea with their Principles of Community. You need to dig into the details of these principles and then connect your ideas and claims to them!

Throughout my life, I have always been surrounded myself with people who shared the same beliefs as I did.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Line graph ( The rate of smoking in Someland - men and women) [4]


The first line is your introduction and the second one is the overview which discusses main trends of the graphical presentation. So, have them separately.

Writing Feedback / Museums - Why People Visit Museums? [5]

There are few things you need to pay attention when opening a thread here. First have a more meaningful essay title in the subject field that can attract others' attention. It is a forum rule too. It is always better if you include the purpose (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title. Then select the right forum. In this case it should be Writing Feedback (I moved this essay into Writing Feedback)

Undergraduate / I started my education in a Japanese school, in Indonesia; Common App [4]


This is not very clear to me :( What's special about the 9th grade? Also, were you given a chance to move into a school that teachers in English medium? I think you should have said those things more straight. Avoid going into too much detail that may sometimes confuse the reader :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, Men and women are different in terms of their characteristics and abilities [7]

great.... I think you should what you desire :) Let us know when you get your score. Also, keep helping others with your IELTS experience and don't leave Essay Forum :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 (Cambridge 1) a survey of adult education. (two charts) [5]

This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. So, you should adopt a tone which is more appropriate for reporting these graphical presentations. So, avoid being verbose. Stick to the point and sound more official in this response. Also, the highlighted line is not clearly expressed :(

The two charts show the results of a survey carried on adult education. While the bar chart illustrates the reasons for adult education, the pie chart illustrates the percentage ??????? .... your diagram is too small - I cannot see it's details :(

Undergraduate / Military contracting Firm; Common App USC- use your engineering degree to benefit society? [5]


This is an incomplete sentence. What do you do with a primary concentration on defense?


I wish you presented this piece of writing more creatively. I think you should have taken the start with the last line and then talked about what you plan to do with your engineering degree in order to contribute your share to find a solution for that.

Undergraduate / Anti-bullying rally ; Dealing with different ideas [2]


Well... I feel you should give more focus to your niece's story first and then talk about your feelings how they did impact you. I mean, this is what I feel if you want to align your response more with the prompt;


At the beginning of your response, it is not clear to us what you really try to tell. So, my suggestion is to take the niece's experience first and then discuss your feelings and confusion and so on. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS (Academic)Task 2- Responsibility to pay for the cost of road development [16]


This is not bad. In fact pretty good :) However, I wish if you expanded on the hook and the background parts. Here you have connected the hook with the background. I wish you separated them. Hook is very important to form the first impression about your writing to the reader. If it is catchy, then the impression would be good and if it is lousy, the reader would be less likely to follow what you write thereafter. Start with a catchy hook;

It is said that countries are developing an auto culture having of millions of cars on the road. .... hook (only an example - this should provide your essay an impressive start and has to be relevant to your topic too)

then give the background of the issue :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic - teaching good manners by parents or teachers [4]


Include a specific example to back your reason you use to justify your position in the argument.
Overall, this is a very good essay and you have excellent writing skills, no doubts about that. If you pay a little more attention to the essay structure ( I mean including examples) then you can surely go for a real good band. If you managed time that is allocated for this task, then you really don't have to worry about this task. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / "book smarts" and "street smarts" ; The Intellectual Aspect of Nursing essay [2]

Hi,


Ok, then I have a few admin requests for you. You should have a more meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a new thread for your essays. This one is attended by me. It is a forum rule plus it helps you attract others'a attention to your essay.

InelectingWhen ]choosing the correct career path, around which one's life will orbit around , makes one would deliberate on all the aspects of said path

Undergraduate / My trip to Sandy Island - group experience and role in it [4]


Well.... I think this is a fantastic story to answer this prompt. However, there is one thing I noticed here - you give every detail of that experience but not much talked about what you gained out of that experience. In other words, you describe the role you played in it on surface only. Tell them what challenges you face while playing that role, how you overcame and led your team to success and what you learned out of that experience. Add a bit more emotions to your writing. :)

You are in the right track, but have lots of potential for further improvement :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic - increase petrol price to reduce traffic and pollution [6]

The main culprit of these issues is increased usage of vehicles .

Well... I see you follow a good structure. Also you have good arguments too. However, I feel you give too much attention to using synonyms and that had sometimes disturbed your flow of ideas. Synonyms sometimes can be very dangerous too. You should be very conversant with their usage and if you are not so, they may give a very different meaning than what you really intend to. I am in favor of clarity of sentences and ideas than heavy vocabulary. I think clarity makes your essay more interesting for the reader than anything else.

Research Papers / introductory paragraph about the negative impact of Facebook [2]


Facebook has ultimately given rise to some negative impacts on society. People are now being exposed with privacy issues, cyber-bulling while distancing them from face-to-face human interactions and socialization.


Well... I think you can follow more or less the basic structure for the introduction, but of course with more spice added to it :D

Writing Feedback / 'The Laws' - Academic essay on the death penalty, pros and cons [3]


Our rights as humans most importantly include the right to live.


I think this idea is dragged a bit too much. You should not exceed two sentences for this idea.


Well, I wish you rearrange your ideas to make it more effective.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 5% unemployed in 1999; rates of unemployment between the US and Japan [2]

Where is your graph? You can upload the graph using the feature "Attach file (s) " . It is good that you include the graph for us to have a look and provide you with more relevant comments.


... Break this into two parts;
The graph compares the rates of unemployment between the US and Japan from March 1993 to March 1999. ... (Introduction)
Overall, an upward trend in Japan and a downward trend in the US limited a significant difference in the unemployment rate between these two countries. ... (Overview)

Then move on to a new para to discuss the details.
Structure - Introduction, Overview, Details

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay- How do movies and TV Influence our behavior? [4]


....media is the plural from of medium.
Movies and TV are two important media that provide entertainment.


They have now become an integral part of our lives.


.... get entertain? this is not so appropriate :(
People watch TV to entertain themselves.
You should have included the essay title for others to give you more relevant comments.