Writing Feedback / Community service can give a sense of fullment to students [4]



.... Good correction by gabbie.
However, I'd like suggest you a structure for your essay introduction that gives you a guideline to include all essential feature of your intro.

Writing Feedback / INTEGRITY IS A PRINCIPLE ONE SHOULD HAVE ALL TIMES; What does integrity mean to you? [3]


I once faced with an incident that put my integrity on test. .... Now tell the incident;


I was approached by a project supervisor to obtain some inside information in order to win the bid for an organic seed program with government investment . He offered me ten thousand yuan.


I was not ready to compromise both my personal and professional integrity under any circumstance, so I refused his offer.

Letters / Resume Objective; Need Advice on Resume Objective Statement! [8]

You can upload files using attach file(s) option. However, it is difficult for me to do the editing and suggest you the corrections in uploaded files and the ideal way is to type it in the space allowed for your message. It is the forum rule too. We allow you to upload diagrams when they are necessary to support your writing. Please post it here and if you have certain sensitive information that you do not like others to see, keep them blank. :)

Writing Feedback / [GRE] USAGE OF MOPEDS IN BALMER ISLAND - Response [4]

OMG .... I think I have confused you and sorry about that . I have made a mistake in the sentence I suggested to you.


.... I have done some errors here. What I have tried to explain is that the assumption is not based on logical grounds. However, I have written the opposite... you know, after attending to threads in a row, I tend to make some mistakes like these. Sorry about it. This is how it should be;

The first issue with the recommendation is that it is based on the assumption that the accident situation in Seaville Island replicates the situation in Balmer island. In my view, this assumption is not based on logical reasoning and also not supported by evidence with valid facts and figures.

Graduate / I wanted to work somewhere in the health care field; Physical Therapy Entrance Essay [2]


I think this should be the starting point. Because you love helping others and feel easy with interacting with people, you wanted to choose a career in a field that can fulfill those desires. So you wanted to get into the health care field where such opportunities are abundant. I think that provides a better flow.


My first attention was set on popular careers in the field such as doctors, dentists, physical assistants and nurses. However, I didn't find much passion in any of them.


When I was in my second year in College I met Mr Howard Manuel, a Physical Therapist and this was the point I found where my real passion lies.

Letters / Resume Objective; Need Advice on Resume Objective Statement! [8]


SURE

Undergraduate / Pursue a career in film and media; Emerson / What influenced to select my major [3]


No, you are in the right forum... ... Well done and thanks! :)


why do they recommend Emerson? If you don't give any clue about that , this sentence does not provide any value to your response. Also, I feel it has no connection with the question that asks what made you to choose your major. If you talk about your family and friends, then you better tell that they recommend that particular major for you.


None of these sentences talk about what influenced you to select your major. Therefore I feel this response needs more alignment with the prompt.

Undergraduate / I am simply open-minded &ready to take in more knowledge;Qualities/Unique Characteristics [4]


....no need of repeating those known facts. Make use of every word to describe how your qualities and characteristics contribute to the uni.


I like ChristianB's comment. If you declare that you are open minded, tell them an incident which describes your open mindedness. Such expressions would convince the reader about your characteristics and qualities better than mere statements you make.

Undergraduate / Becoming Descartes with Richard Feynman; Story central to identity [2]


The world presents endless challenges that can be solved through intelligence.


My efforts to understand this phenomenon began when I first read my favorite book of all time "Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman".


Funny, yet brilliant Feynmen changed my whole perception about the world letting me appreciate the wonders of science.

Undergraduate / Ripple Effect and Oklahoma; Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or an idea [2]


... "body odor" means that unpleasant smell of a person's unwashed body, so I feel it is more appropriate to use that word.

His name was Jim. All I knew about him was he had a bad body odor and he was going to sit next to me for five hours in that dreadful plane ride.


It wasn't that I didn't like him as a person, but I was reluctant to invest my time in a conversation with a foul smelling boy.


.... I really don't find that repetition (His name was Jim) adds much value to the effect you are trying to create here.

Letters / Resume Objective; Need Advice on Resume Objective Statement! [8]

Well....I feel it is a bit too long. It does run for about two lines, isn't it? If it is shorter and to the point, then it's more catchy. Also, this one sounds too general.

I feel it is good to customize the resume objective to match the position you are applying for. The more specific your resume objective is the better chance you have of being considered for the job. I found the following website which gives tips of how to arrive at a good resume objective. Have a look: wikihow.com/Write-Resume-Objectives

Graduate / I speak Chinese, French and Italian; Personal Statement for Business School [2]

I continued to obtain a M.S. degree in software engineering in order to pursue my interest in online marketing.


Did you work for Ministry of Agricluture? That's no clear :(


Then I worked for Grand Consulting Company as a consultant. ... as a marketing consultant?

Undergraduate / "Education is everything. When you stop learning your mind ceases to grow" ; Florida Uni [3]


Leadership, learning, service and global awareness are all very important for making a person well-rounded. However, for me, learning appeals to me the most.


I feel this a bit too dragged, if not a bit too over-done.
My mom who is a very intelligent person, once told me "Education is everything. When you stop learning your mind ceases to grow".


.... well... I don't understand why you included this sentence :(


My mom always encouraged me to set very high targets for me.

Scholarship / I have a dream to work globally; STUDENT EXCHANGE APPLICATION; Dankook University [6]


.... I don't find that this sentence provides any value addition to your response.


If I get the golden opportunity to join Dankook's exchange program, I intend to study design under the guidance provided by a great mentor.

I don't understand the connection you try to highlight your plan and the friends. I think you should come up with a stronger plan. The things you have mentioned sound too general and not very specific. Think and outline a plan that you intend to follow if you get an opportunity to take part in this program.

Undergraduate / I am from India, the 17th most diverse country in the world;Rutgers is a vibrant community [6]


This exposure helped me network with people of diverse cultural backgrounds and ethnicity through which I learned to appreciate diversity and co-existence.


As I grew older, my interest in different cultures too got expanded and I began to learn about other countries and their people.


.... gems of life? What do you mean by that?

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Is money the main motivator for employees ? To what extent you agree with that? [3]

Good advice from Pahan :) This is not a typical agree/disagree topic. However, you can still use this format for your introduction;

Writing Feedback / Socialization by parents of their children into gender roles [3]


.... This is a very common fact and there is need for us to depend on specific studies to reveal this phenomenon. This is what I suggest;

It is obvious that parents pay attention to the gender separation from the birth of a baby. For example, they dress the baby in blue if it's a boy and in pink, if it's a girl and these color are used to differentiate to which gender the child belongs.


... I think this sounds repetitive as you already told this idea in your previous sentence.

Letters / Excellent character and strong personality - My Recommendation Letter [5]


It is with my pleasure that I recommend ?????? for the graduate program in Pharmaceutical Program at your esteemed institution.


I have known ???????? (name of the person) for ????? (number of years) years in the capacity of the dean of Pharmaceutics Department as well as the supervisor of ????? (name of the person) in his graduate studies. I am very impressed with his commitment, skills and well mannered nature.

Writing Feedback / Young People Are Much More Aware of and Concerned About Issues Like the Environment, Pover [4]

Overall, your essay needs lots of improvement with regard to clarity of your sentences. They don't convey the idea you intend to tell the reader.


This is exactly what I too suggest you. Clarity is the most important aspect of an essay. There is no purpose of having rich vocabulary, if your ideas are not delivered to the reader properly.

Also, read the essays written by others on similar topics. You can find many such essays in this forum. That would help you pick up certain important phrases of expressing your ideas.

Undergraduate / "A part of me wanted to stay back forever" ; RICE supplement- Early decision! [3]

I like if you had given some specific indication that you are really looking forward to experiencing that kind of life.


I like if you have this after the next sentence because I feel it arranges a better flow. Then the reader would know why you like to take such a ride and hang around in cafes and shops.


Good point by Anumeha. Yes, your response is quite well written, but try to enhance its effect with the above suggestion.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] agree or disagree the purpose of television is to educate, not to entertain [7]


Well.... with my experience of TOEFL, this is not a matter of concern. All you need is to follow a essay structure that logically justify your opinion and support your justification with specific examples. If you take a moderate stance, then you can dedicate one body paragraphs to talk on one side of the argument and the other one to discuss about the other side. I really don't see any harm in choosing a neutral position as in many issues, that can be the best approach. However, taking one particular side of the argument may be easier to handle than taking a moderate stance :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Human's dependence in the modern world - about coherence, academic style [7]


.... This sounds a bit too stereotype. Have a more catchy hook to open your essay.


.... dependent on what or whom?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; The internet provides a lot of valuable information. However,others disagree [5]


... the latter part does not make much sense.


this is a good example. Very good!


... this again, goes out of your flow. Expand on the above example and that's enough for this paragraph.


This is because, the Internet eliminates geographical and time barriers by allowing people to interact with each other more efficiently and conveniently.

Writing Feedback / Maintaining status quo can cause personal and professional stagnation of a person's development [5]

your body paragraphs need to contain reasons and specific examples to justify those reasons. I find many reasons here, but no specific examples.
I feel you need to pay attention to your essay structure. I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Best ways of reducing stress: listening to music, exercise, meditation [3]


Modern world is very complex, complicated and fast paced.


Everything is done in a rush amidst severe competition.


This causes high stress levels in people.


.... relieve stress and not relieve people

Graduate / COURAGE, AMBITION & CRAVING for KNOWLEDGE; Petroleum Engineering ; Personal Statement [2]


I believe my academic background and practical exposure have provided me with a firm foundation in this discipline. I now wish to grow further with you by acquiring more advanced knowledge and skills in view of making my contribution to the field of petroleum engineering as an outstanding engineer.

Good luck with your application!

Scholarship / Responsibilites you had to take and how did you handle it? FLEX PROG [3]

Well.... first, it's good if you posted the prompt for us to understand it better. In this response, I see the struggle you had convincing your parents about handling your responsibilities. However, I find that it is not presented in a more matured way. Even without going to America you have ways and means of proving yourself. So, I doubt they consider America is a more rational excuse.

Writing Feedback / [toefl task] Is the purpose of television to educate, not to entertain? [5]


After 8-hour working or study, people are so exhausted that they may be reluctant to spend time on education and they only want to relax in order to relieve their stress.


... this latter part is somewhat confusing.
What's more to argue? There is enough evidence from all over the world that people regard television as the means of amusement.
Very good writing. Good luck with TOEFL!

Research Papers / GAY PARENTING; Need help on thesis for my topic [6]


Yes, I too feel it's a good arrangement.
For society; yes religion, culture, common beliefs all that have a role to play here.
For children: what you have already thought about is very good. I also like if you discuss the social pressures on such children - they may be subject to bullying, corned by other children etc.

I think you can come up with a great essay on this topic :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Who should be responsible for cleaning pollution? Private Individuals or Government? [3]


As we all know


Your prompt argues the other way round;


Some people maintain the view that private companies and individuals should be responsible for keeping the environment clean and it is not a responsibility of the government.

Also, I find the prompt you have included here has many grammar errors and therefore it is very difficult to understand what it really means :(

Writing Feedback / [GRE] USAGE OF MOPEDS IN BALMER ISLAND - Response [4]

The first issue to be addressed is whether the Balmer Island has the same situation with as the Seaville Island. ... Well, the issue is with the assumption;

The first issue with the assumption is that the road accident situation in Seaville Island may have been different to what Balmer Island is currently experiencing.

and even the geography of thisthese two islands are the same kind or totally different.


This argument also relies on the fact that limiting the usage of mopeds, by limiting the rental volumes of mopeds, would result the same outcome as the Seaville Island did.

Graduate / WHY NOT? ; MS Automobile Engineering/ SOP [4]

So I pursued Mechanical engineering for my under graduation.first degree.


... hmmmmm.... I like if you say that a bit differently;
But in early stages, my performance levels never satisfied me and I often felt that I was not making use of my actual potential.


However, everything began to change in the fifth semester in which the curriculum covered predominantly automobile subjects.

Book Reports / It is about story from Paulo Coelho's book "Like the Flowing River" [4]

Hi
First, you have not told us the question or the prompt of this essay. What is the purpose of this writing? Without having any knowledge on that, it is difficult to comment. Include your topic in your next thread.


You have not introduced "him", the main character.


and he might have lost or was on the verge of losing his job due the bankruptcy of the company.


It seems he spent a very lonely life in last few days of his life without having any sort of company with others.

Writing Feedback / [ IELTS Task 2] the standard of living in country benefits cities rather than rural areas [8]

Your introduction does not introduce your prompt to the reader at all.

Undergraduate / Change is my constant; BACKGROUND or STORY /Common App [4]


Braids look as if they've done about five years back

The bus driver mumbled something to me in Spanish and started driving away before I had found a seat.
The motion of the bus flung me into the laps of two very startled teenagers, both of which, instead of helping me up, began laughing mockingly.


I hid myself in a rear seat of the bus, struggling to cover up my tears from others.

Writing Feedback / Love and friendship - the best things in life are free. [3]


Nowadays, many people think that best things in life can be achieved if you have money and ignore the fact that best things can be achieved through our perseverance and dedication.


Why "we"? You need to express your opinion and therefore you should use the word "I"

Writing Feedback / Me and Myself; Need help with Grammar! [4]

Okkkk.... what is the purpose of this writing. Have you been asked to write on the topic "Myself"?
I don't find major grammar issues with what you have written although there can be more effective grammar style that you could have adopted. It's pretty good grammar wise :D

However, if this is an essay you need to arrange the flow. Let your ideas flow in a more logical sequence .

Undergraduate / 'Allowing myself to learn' - University of Chicago Essay! Why UC? [5]


I don't find anything of this line referring to what is expected from the prompt. What's the connection between this idea and the next one :(

You need to open your response with a powerful hook that can grab readers' attention while having relevance to what your prompt suggests. In simple language, I don't find that relevance here.

The mysterious yet elegant city of Chicago has always gottenattracted my attention,

Writing Feedback / Recalling an Experience; NARRATIVE ESSAY [3]

First, I have a request; You need to provide a more meaningful topic for your thread which is a forum rule. It would also help you earn more feedbacks. This title is attended by me.


Yes... Pahan's got a point. You need to clear all those doubts of the reader :)


17th December 2003 is the date I would never forget in my life.

Undergraduate / Moving to U.S.A from Israel; BACKGROUND STORY ; Common App [3]


How old when you moved into the USA? If you migrated too young with your parents, then this idea may not convince the admission panel much, because you are too young to hold such strong ideas.

Also, did you come to the USA all by yourself?
These questions need to be answered in your response to this question