Undergraduate / I didn't have an identity ; personal information/ Common App [4]


If you stay in one place forever, you will never get to know the real world, and most importantly, you will never discover your true personality ... I included the word "personality" because it is the key word you use in this response.


This is sentence is pretty too long dear. That's why Pahan has found it confusing. You have too many ideas in one go. Have at least two or three sentences to tell these ideas and enhance their effectiveness.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] : Governments should spend money on space exploration or for basic needs of people [5]

First, I want request you to have a meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a fresh thread. This title is attended by us. When it has some relevance to what you write, it is very likely that you'll earn more comments.

....there are ... world who live in extreme poverty and starvation.


You need to tell the reader about the background of the argument. You don't introduce the arguments properly :(

Undergraduate / UVA supplement: Anatomy is challenging and surprising! [8]


It is truly amazing to understand how we carry our body every day and everywhere, yet many of us still have very little knowledge about how it functions.


Back in fourth grade, I could hardly believe that we have 206 bones in our body.


... this is not very clear.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Motorized flight is the greatest invention in the modern world; Agree or Disagree? [3]

First of all, the frequent air travels have detrimental effects on the environment due to the emission of the carbon dioxide that is the main factorcause forto the Global Warning.


.... Very good example and now relate it to global warming as you have to assume that many people do not know the connection between carbon dioxide and global warming.


You write really good. Pay more attention to your essay structure and aim for a flying score :D

Graduate / Research interests in Haematological Malignancies ; E-mail for PhD application [3]


I am writing this letter to request for an opportunity to study in your laboratory. ... Are you talking of joining his research team or seeking permission for working in his lab?


I am xxxxxx and I hold a Masters degree in yyyyy from ZZZZ University.
Recently, I read about your research interests in haematological malignancies and found that itthey align well with minemy interests too.


Being enthusiastic over researching on cancer related topics, I consider it is a privilege for me if I will be able to read for a PhD under your guidance.

Undergraduate / William Golding's novel: Lord of the flies - Leadership essay. [7]


Secondly, Ralph is not only a rational leader but also a person with strong morals and treats all his team members fairly.



Undoubtedly, all of them shared the same fear about this unknown beast.


.... your sentences need improvement with regard to their clarity.


Well I didn't come across major grammar issues.... only you need to improve some sentences as I highlighted above to enhance their effectiveness and clarity.

Graduate / Perfection is a state in life; SOP/ MSC subsea engineering. [5]


.... the latter part is a bit confusing for me... I feel you better re-phrase this sentence because it is the opening line.


I like if you opened this essay with the above quote. It makes more sense.


however, I lack the advanced skills

Writing Feedback / Why study?; 'improve understanding, practical knowledge and career planning' [4]


Nowadays, more and more high school students would like to attend college or university to aspire their career dreams.


Why do you include the phrase "Some people believe that " ?
It's always good to include your prompt with the essay so that we can understand what it requires from you. I feel this topic is not based on any argument and that is why raised the above question.

Undergraduate / My essay for NUS application - First step to my dream [3]


In the eyes of many people, launching a famous website at the age of fifteen is not an appropriate goal for a schoolboy.


However, for me, it was a worthy childhood dream that I did strive hard to live.
Unfortunately, barely no source of knowledge for this platform can be found in my language, Vietnamese

Writing Feedback / 'broaden horizons'; it is better to begin learning foreign language early [5]


Let's look at your prompt too;


This is not Agree/ Disagree type and also it just throws a statement and ask you discuss advantages and disadvantages. So, your above statement is not really in line with your prompt. This is what I suggest;

It is undoubtedly true that learning a foreign language can broaden one's horizons. According to some experts, it is better if children start learning foreign languages at the elementary level itself. Although there are both advantages and disadvantages associated with this idea, I personally believe that its advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / 'depends on the age'; should teachers assign homework for students every day? [6]


As we all know, playing is an important activity for both physical and mental development of the children.


hmmmmm.... well... this sentence has many grammar issues, both grammar and vocabulary. My suggestion for you is to write simple, yet interesting sentences. Try to make them shorter with one idea per one sentence.

Scholarship / Canada is among the top countries ; Description about Canada's features. [2]


Studying abroad definitely involves high expenses for the international students and their families.


Most of the international students find hard to meet the soaring school fees that often put them into indebtedness.
Understan ding the financial difficulties, Canada offers reasonable tuition fees for all study programs in higher education within public system as education is massivelyextensively supported fromby the Canadian government.

Writing Feedback / IELTS -Some people think that we can use as much fresh water as we want. Others think [12]

Alright... let's take the first one;


"everyone can access" means that everyone is able to access already (it is already happening now). "Everyone should be able" suggests that it is the desired outcome. Although "everyone can" is not grammatically incorrect, "everyone should be able to" is the more appropriate usage in this case as that is the out come you wish to have.


Your way is also right, but again, "ensure" is a better word to use.
ensure means that make certain that (something) will occur or be the case. .... it gives more emphasis on the action and leave no room for missing out.

Undergraduate / My mother is a pill-head; ENGLISH DRAMA [4]

Though it may seem trivial to some, thethis class has brought about something I have never known how to use before, my voice.


You tell that your mom is a pill head. Then you mention about the English Drama and then come back to the family issues again. It's better you talk about family problems and background first and then connect the English Drama to say how you found refuge of those problems there.

Undergraduate / 'quiet and shy individual' Common App! Letter to future roommate and a few short answers [5]


.... hey... there can be subject related magazines too.... For example, if you are a business person there are plenty of finance magazines such as Bloomberg Businessweek, Forbes, Fortunes etc. and they don't talk gossip, but contain very important and informative stuff.... So, this sentence sounds a bit stereotype thinking.

Undergraduate / New Mexico; Reflecting on personal experiences [3]

Yes... I too think you have a good background story to start with. As tayleeb suggests you can justify how your experiences left you in such emotionless and detached status. Why don't you do the first draft and post it here? We can tell you what we feel about your writing and help you with improving your essay :)

Writing Feedback / GRE AWA Issue Analysis ; Studying major cities helps understand their society [6]


.... I feel you are trying to go out of topic. Your prompt does not deal with the history, but studying the major cities. If you feel like talking about the history, then you need to show some connection between history and the major cities. However, there are many modern major cities, for example - Dubai, Singapore etc. that do not have much to do with history.

Always keep a good alignment with your topic.

Writing Feedback / The gap between the rich and the poor; Introduction to essay on socio-economic inequality [2]



.... this sentence does not flow well... one thing it is a bit too long and there a few ideas cramped in it. I suggest you to rephrase it improve clarity.

The rise of neoliberalism is diminishing the security blanket for the working poor.class.


New trends in the labor market such as part time, work on contract basis, no compensation benefits such as pension schemes etc. make this condition even worst.

Undergraduate / what was the biggest change in you life? My Journey [2]


I can still remember the biggest change in my life as if it happened almost yesterday.


we were/ I was
I was only seven years old when we were told to obtain our visas to enter into the USA.


At that time I had no clue about what I was going to leave behind and how I would be missing my extended families with who I did grow ... I guess you migrated to the USA with your immediate family

Undergraduate / "lead by example" philosophy; University of Michigan [3]


What is the purpose of mentioning about these two girls? There is no any reference to them after these two sentences. I feel it is really not necessary. Also, I feel you have gone out of track. Your prompt talks about;


Instead of talking about the community that you belong to you rather talk about your leadership style. Just give some thought for that!

Writing Feedback / IELTS -Some people think that we can use as much fresh water as we want. Others think [12]


On the other hand, the water supply should be controlled by the government to ensure that every citizen has access to fresh water to fulfill his or her daily needs.


.... set up a link between this idea and the previous one;
This helps the government to prevent people from wasting fresh water too.

Writing Feedback / The Rise of the Indus River Valley Civilizations essay [5]


Egypt and Mesopotamian civilizations possess lots of written evidence. However, in case of the Indus River valley not much written evidence can be found.


The longest piece of writing that is found by the archaeologists has got only twenty five words.
I think you better re-do this essay.... you need to pay lots of attention to its flow... re-arrange your ideas and then start writing.

Writing Feedback / compare-contrast b/w mother and father;Really need some help;20% part of grade [3]


There are several ideas crowded in this one line sentence. Better re-organize them;
One needs money to provide for the family needs and this is the reason why there are many working mothers today. However, about fifty years ago, mothers were not responsible of helping out with family finances.


They were "homemakers" or "the lady of the house" as some would call them.

Writing Feedback / "Patrick walked into the room and spotted sandy sitting alone" [4]

Patrick walked into the room and spotted sandySandy sitting alone.
He walkswalked up to her and very nervously asked her if she wanted to got to the movies with him
Right then and thereAt that very moment Patrick knew he was head over heels for this girl


Every time he saw, talked, or even looked at Sandy he would blush and look down aton the ground.

Writing Feedback / Murder, bloodshed, carnage; why exactly is it wrong? [4]

From the beginning of times, murder hashad been viewed as the ultimate crime


deprived of life


...and we all have varied and different perceptions about good and evil.


Moral standards vary among people and societies.

Undergraduate / I am not your typical Indian; UC Essay Prompt #1 [3]

It's always good to include your prompt so that we know what it requires from you and therefore can align our comments accordingly.


I should study hard first and then only I can enjoy the life I want when I grow up.
So basically I was that kid thatwho had a busystrict academic schedule,...


My parents were dead against this decision and kept telling me that I should set my priorities for academics.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:In some countries children have very strict rules of behavior, in other countries th [5]


.... it's better if you tell the reason why it is so.
However, forcing children to follow strict rules doesn't always yield positive results as discussed above because in most cases it tends to irritate children.

This reasoning is well justified by your following example;


You write well and I feel you can go for a good score. Improve your introduction :)

Graduate / The role of a social worker is to serve& empower individuals, groups&communities; USC MSW [4]

I think you should reveal your personality more through your SOP.... Being formal or informal really does not matter much. What matters the most is that you should talk about everything having you in the center. They are going to judge you as a person and you need to give them the relevant information for that exercise. SOP is one of the best tools for doing that :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL;universities require students to studymany subjects or specialize in one subject [4]

University is the place that provides people with knowledge and skills to use in their real life. .... good hook :)


Some universities require students to major in one subject.



In my view, I believe studying many subjects together is a better option because it helps students to study in the subjects they are keen on and gain knowledge without limiting themselves to acquiring knowledge in one particular discipline.

Writing Feedback / Have you ever been in a crowded and dirty place? ;descriptive essay [4]


Main Street is not a place that you would want to hang around daily or may be at all.
"Main Street" gets repeated too often and in almost every sentence. You need to pay attention to that.


... Okkkkk... giving consideration to your teacher's comment, I feel you should give a bit more detailed description about Main Street. Talk about its location and for what it is famous for etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS -Some people think that we can use as much fresh water as we want. Others think [12]



.... yes, it is partially grammar and partially vocabulary. When you have the phrase "in order to" then you need to continue that phrase with some action (verb) where as you have continued it with just a noun which is grammatically wrong. That is why Pahan has mentioned so and given you his following suggestion;

The water is one of the most important natural resources in order to survive. (here, the word "survive " is a verb whereas "human life" is a noun )

The change in vocabulary is the fix for this error and that is why I said it is partially grammar and partially vocab :D

Scholarship / CHALENGE / PERSONAL LIFE ESSAY-CCI [3]


.... this should be one sentence and there should not be a full stop in between.
I passed in 5 of the 6 stages of the entrance test.


... you need to rephrase this line to improve its clarity;
However, when I failed the last test, which was the interview, I became very disappointed. Also, I feared my parents would be more disappointed.

Undergraduate / NOT YOUR ORDINARY TRAVELER (common App) [3]

I felt as if my life was crumbling down right in front of me.


I feel that my travels gave me the opportunity to have many homes in different parts of the world than most other people could do in their lifetime.

Well.... I am a bit confused with your saying "my travels" ... what really did happen? You said you were asked to vacate your home...so were you a refugee? also have you been transfered from place to place? what do you mean by "my travels"?

Better you be a bit more descriptive .... otherwise you leave the reader with so many question marks.

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay : Living on campus [8]


... Let us try;
Campus folds a new chapter for the lives of its students. (hook) ... :) ... Remember, the hook should provide you a good entrance to the topic :)
During this tenure, some students choose to live on campus while others live off campus. ... (background)

Writing Feedback / IELTS -Some people think that we can use as much fresh water as we want. Others think [12]

On the one hand, the water is a precious natural resource and it is available in a large proportionsofin the planet
As a result, it should be free and everyone canshould be ableto access it tofor their daily needs and people could consume the amount of water that they needed because it is free of charge

Don't repeat the same idea over and over again. It reduces the effect of your writing.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that private schools should be banned. [5]

As a practice, include the essay prompt in your post for others to understand what it requires. It helps us providing you with more relevant comments.


In my opinion, however, private schools do better in terms of ?????? ( tell those three reasons very briefly)


.... good.... you opened the body paragraph with the reason which is good :)

Graduate / The role of a social worker is to serve& empower individuals, groups&communities; USC MSW [4]

You have not talked about how you developed an interest in this field of Social Work. The SOP makes the first impressions about you and therefore it should be more creative and reveal your character to them. So it is better if you convince them that you have a real passion in this field. Tell them how you became interested being a social worker, what did you do to pursue that desire.

Writing Feedback / Some teachers and parents suggest that rivalry between children should exist, while others don't [8]


In your body paragraphs, you should justify your opinion by giving reasons. And then you should support them with specific examples. So, it is good if you started the body para with the reason;

First, today's world is highly competitive compared to previous eras. Because of this reason, it is important that children should be given a sense of competition that helps them learn to survive and thrive in more complex and competitive environments.

Now you give a specific example to support this reason.
You write very well. Try and aim for a good score :)

Writing Feedback / BABYSITTING; Narration of process essay [5]


While playing with them you should crack jokes and entertain the baby.


Once the child gets tired after playing or get bored of the activity, it is the time for giving the child a bath.
Make sure the water is Luke warm so it's not too hot or too cold and the baby won't get theany chills or anything.

Undergraduate / 'Since my birthday is...' The best day of my life - COMMON APP [2]


.... Well.... this is confusing :( Have you got this as your birthday present or is this your birthday treat to your friend ? I am not clear about this.


However, it was different for my thirteenth birthday.


It was my responsibility to make her walk, feed her, clean her up etc.