Undergraduate / Influential Person - Father's Son [3]

A few lines into this essay, I already really like it...

He cared about me, but I hadn't matured enough to see the pains he embraced so that I may could enjoy a single season on the wrestling team.

"It's not worth your health," I said, now the parent. "I can find scholarships and loans. If you don't rest now, you might not even be able to work anymore."---beautifully written dialogue... your habit of reading really is paying off in your development of writing skill.

A comma would be good here, though not necessary:
I am my father's son, after all.

I give this essay a 10/10 very very impressive...

Undergraduate / UVA Favorite word and why- labyrinth [4]

Wow, I love that first sentence.. awesome. What are you, Yoda or something? This is profound stuff...

I don't like the second sentence:
Life is a never ending, intricate maze filled with wrong paths, sharp turns, and an exit. It seems to me that life is really a labyrinth. A "labyrinth" is commonly known as a complex maze with anar rangement of paths ...

Great job! This is good writing, clearly.

Undergraduate / Awareness is More Than a Can of Tuna: Pitzer Supplement [3]

Hi Julia, I'm sorry you had to wait so long for help! Better late than never? You can cut a lot of words:
Unfortunately, it seems that one of the most significant challenges facing my generation today is --- are an all- encompassing lack of awareness and a surplus of single-mindedness.

... hand-in-hand with a Pitzer education. (need another sentence here. Get to the point before ending the paragraph.)

In addition to cutting unnecessary words that weigh it down, you should change the first sentences of some of the paragraphs. The first sentence of a para should be a topic sentence that makes a statement that goes with the thesis, supports the thesis.

Undergraduate / Technically undecided + the "universe" in university + paternal grandfather NYU short [4]

Though I'm technically undecided, I can see myself exploring Linguistics, Journalism, and International Relations, among others, at NYU. My forte lies in the humanities: As a member of the school newspaper and the school's literary magazine, I discovered a knack for artfully conveying ideas through the tip of my pen. I love culture---Here, it will be great if you share an insight about culture to SHOW that you appreciate it instead of telling that you appreciate it.

A university would be an oxymoron if it limited itself to one area. NYU most definitely emphasizes the "universe" in university. Above all, that's--I like the idea of this essay, but not the first sentence. It reflects a misunderstanding of what an oxymoron is.

You write very well!!

Undergraduate / MIT "My World" Essay - World at War [2]

The structure of that first sentence is sort of cliche. I would like it this way:
I am from is to describe a world of war. ---that is a cool sentence. M (name of country), quickly running out of ...

Instead of preparing for, and desiring war, it can be prevented and even put we can put war outside the realm of possibility. And that, that simple idea, is thing I desire above all else.

And that, that simple idea, is thing And simple idea represents what I desire above all else.

I like your idea! Maybe I was wrong to suggest you name the country (above). It is really interesting without naming it, and the reader has that info anyway. Great job!

Undergraduate / "looking up at the hospital ceiling tiles" - GW - My Most Interesting Mistake [2]

You can't start that sentence with the word "taken." It has to be connected to the previous sentence:
...believe I had taken my ...

health for granted and landed myself back into the dwelling ...

Okay, I see what you mean. You were not inspired when you write this, so it took you a long time to get to the point. And it has to be interesting, but you can't make it interesting without giving details. Tell a story. This has a lot of potential, but you have to get inspired and cut a lot of content from the beginning of the essay. At the beginning of the new draft, be sure to include in the intro paragraph a SENTENCE that is very interesting. You need to specify a mistake that is interesting enough to be interesting when expressed in one sentence. You can do it! :-)

Undergraduate / "My brother was born with Moebius Syndrom" - Topic of choice. [3]

Keep that past verb tense:
...was born with Moebius Syndrome, a rare neurological disorder that is was present at birth.

...work harder at school and not give up. Getting my grades up to standard as everyone else in my grade was a slow and painful process, ---right here, I think it is important to give a specific example and tell some details, what grade you were in, etc., so it is more like a story. If you are not telling this as part of a story, it is not as convincing.

since high school demanded studying every night for tests I was not familiar with, such as the SATs.---see, right here you are talking about high school, but I don't think you were screaming "I hate school!" in high school. So... let's try to express all this in fewer words, but include details in what you do express. Make it like a story, and omit any sentences that are not helpful.

This essay is great already. While you revise, try to make it more like an essay about your plan that uses your brother as an example of what motivates you. You can include all this info in fewer words. However, it really is a high quality essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "UNDO" - Mac HS - 4 Letter Word [4]

I don't think covet is the best word, because it has distracting connotations.

Alas, the past can not be rewritten. ---there is something nice about this little sentence.

It is impossible to reverse one's errors, and ...

milestones in on one's life-long journey of progression and can ...

I like the ending. You write with a great kind of rhythm!

Graduate / "HR practices and organizational factors" - SOP for PhD Admission in OB/HR management [3]

Number agreement:
Academicians wield enormous influence in their field fields. Th ose in ...

this is a nice sentence: This is the kind of life I envision for myself.

Alright, I am very impressed with the way you outline details of your thought processes, particularly concerning the dissertation, because that really proves to the reader that you have undergone rigorous academic training. You are a pro. And you write very well, too, so I want to take you to the next level by talking about brevity. You have more words than necessary. There are a lot of examples:

My professional as well as academic experience till date has have given me ample of opportunity to explore ...

So I think you should go back and kill 1 or 2 sentences in each paragraph. Seriously, kill whole sentences; kill the ones that express an idea you can easily mention in another sentence with the addition of a word or two. Pack the good stuff tightly.

Imagine if you could express all this info in just a paragraph. That is not possible, but if it was possible, it would be a hell of a paragraph. Aspire to that sort of intensity.

Use a semi-colon:
In the current scenario University's stress on interdisciplinary training reflects its futuristic and progressive outlook; thus ...

Undergraduate / "Ghana's Independence Square" - looking through a window Williams College essay [4]

Awesome, Seth. Your way of writing is sort of hypnotic.

I can help by giving suggestions for saying it in fewer words for a powerful spear-thrust. Like this:
As I slide the window of my memory, it opens open to the 6th of March, 2007 and I see thousands of feet stamping their way to Ghana's Independence Square.

all the other exciting accidents of human diversity. ---Kevin stands up and claps his hands, cheering at the screen.

...what the next fifty years has have in store for us.

...can only materialize only on the altar of ---I changed this because I like the sould of 'only on the alter...'
Looking good! No AO person would be foolish enough to pass up the opportunity to have you. :-) (Also, thanks for the suggestions pertaining to our site, which I saw this morning.)

Essays / After watching a few films - I need help starting and essay. [3]

For a powerful essay, you should have an intro that "hooks" the reader with a concept related to the main idea. I don't know what your essay will be about, so it's not really possible for me to suggest a good hook. Anything I suggest would be as random as if you simply read a lot of other essays and looked at how they hooked the reader's attention. So.. take examples and inspiration from other essays.

Also, I think it's important for you to write all the body paragraphs first. The intro should be the best part of the essay, the most powerful and interesting, so... it is good to have the clearest idea possible about what you are going to write. That is why you should write all the body paragraphs and perfect them while waiting to find inspiration to write the intro. Try that method! :-)

Undergraduate / "Undiscovered Equations" - An experience that had an impact. Common app. [4]


I'm a fan of your writing already... very impressive. But right here you are not so clear. The word 'that' refers to something, and I am not sure what that is!

It's important to fix that lapse in clarity, because right there at the end of the first paragraph is where the reader draws a conclusion about the main message behind the essay.

I screamed, I howled and murdered...

There were more reasons to this story. --I think a different topic sentence would be better at the start of this paragraph.

And I proudly answered, "Science," and as the conventional Indian Wisdom wisdom goes they thought that I'd go ahead do Engineering, Go engineering, go abroad, work with a Multi multinational company, and earn a lot of money!

You are such a good writer! I hope you study Strunk and White carefully. :-)

Undergraduate / Great anticipation of the challenges of studying for a degree in computer science. [3]

The same idea I had the same idea twelve years ago when

Capitalize: national institute of informatics

You have some words in this sentence that are capitalized when they should not be:
I Provide provided quality customer service and technical expertise by phone and email to dealers and Acted acted as back-up sales rep when necessary, assisting dealers to receive the best configuration and value.

The My three years spent in with this ...

Being a native Berber speaker, and fluent fluency in both Arabic and ...

...of the changes and evolvements evolution of this technology through this time. This evolvement evolution is expanding ...

I think your first paragraph is too long. End it sooner, and give a powerful thesis statement! :-) great job, I am impressed...

Graduate / "Promising young web media professional" - too cheeky? SoP for MA in Media [4]

I'm very impressed with your command of English grammar, because you said you are new to English essay writing... pretty cool, you are a natural writer.

That intro is nicely structured, but what about establishing a theme/thesis? Just to say it will greatly benefit you is not enough... you should give another 1 or 2 sentences in that first paragraph, kind of like an executive summary of a document, to tell the reader what your main idea is. Add a theme/thesis statement to the end of that intro, and make it good, because it's very important! :-)

During last year I directed the---precede this with a topic sentence. Do you know what I mean? This should not be the first sentence of a paragraph. It should be the second sentence. The first sentence of a paragraph should be a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph.

Those are my 2 criticisms, but in general this is a high quality essay!

Scholarship / Scholarship for a Masters Degree in Transportation Management [2]

You have a structural problem in that first sentence:
It is an indisputable fact that the population of the world has been, is increasing and will continue to increase at an expediential (do you mean exponential? That would not be accurate. You'll have to just somehow say it is increasing but not use the word exponential.

And I don't know the word expediential, but if it is a real word I apologize for crossing it out! :-)

...I have aspirations to be the Vice President of the Supply Logistics Department within the ten years following my graduation ---This is great because it shows that you understand the need to visualize something and make it happen. However, this vision seems ARBITRARY. So, that is still a problem. Do not aspire toward an arbitrary goal. Instead, aspire toward an altruistic or otherwise meaningful goal. If you randomly choose the position of VP as your motivation, you will not be as convincing as an applicant that purposefully chooses some goal associated with benefiting people in a specific way or perhaps bringing about some kind of reform, improving the nation, etc.

You write very well! Please help some other essayists on the Unanswered list. :-) Welcome to essayforum.

Graduate / Motivational essay: how to conjugate idealism and career goals, Japan? [5]

You have a great message, and I hope you will find the way to express it in the first paragraph. If you give too much info in the first paragraph, the reader's attention will be divided by the time you express your message. I think you should tell the reader who you REALLY are right away:

My name is xxx, I am an Italian citizen, and I would like to apply for This is not who you really are.
This is who you really are:
I do believe education is the basis of freedom, and there is no peace and cooperation without freedom. ---This is what you are all about, your motivation for doing this. Talk about this in the beginning so that the reader will appreciate your cause, your motivation. :-)

want to work in a global environment to make an impact on our society. This is not specific enough to be meaningful. It is what anyone entering your field would say. You should say something to distinguish yourself... continue the theme of using education to create peace and improving the world. Keep that strong theme throughout the whole essay.

Undergraduate / Sustainability: UT From Idea to Presentation Essay [2]

At first, I had no clue what my professor was talking about that day. Did he ...

Fast-forward about a month, as I began researching

You have a bad habit: run on sentences---> At first I was nervous. I'd never ...

and even how to present the idea in the most effective way possible. ---This is a very well-structured sentence... I just took out those two words, but the sentence overall is great.

Why aren't you using paragraphs? Run on sentences and lack of paragraphs ... those are my gripes against your essay! So... use a new paragraph for every new idea; that is how you can help the reader interpret all your ideas easily.

:-)

Graduate / MBA, business school, Financial Planner - how to start my SOP for Msc Management. [5]

This is like when you apply a lot of pressure to something in order to refine it. I don't know how to forge a sword, but I'm sure it's something like that. You need to look at all this, drop all facades and masks you might be wearing, and honestly ask yourself what your intention is.

Based on all these accomplishments, what is it that is the meaning of your career? Your education is part of your career, so take inspiration from these accomplishments and frame the information within an introduction and conclusion that powerfully express that message or theme that represents you.

This is the part that needs a lot of work, and it is the part that refers to the theme I am describing: Earning an MBA will gain me expertise in the field of management. Combining the knowledge of finance and management, I aspire to serve as a CEO of a business magazine. Do the research, attend the meetings, help out Government and devote in the prosperity of the country. These are too broad and general. You should develop your opinions about the issued associated with your chosen career path and take an interesting stand. Show the reader what you stand for. Also, change the word devote to something different because it does not work in that sentence above.

:-)

Graduate / "hard work and perseverance" - Northwestern Sop - Mechanical Engineering [4]

I'm so sorry you did not get any help in time for the deadline. It is because we have so many essays to correct as deadlines approach. Yours got lost in the ocean of essays.

I think you do not need your name in the first line:
I XYZ am a holder of Master of Science (2008) and ...

My long career objective is to pursue a research career, either as a faculty member or an industry researcher-----This is not a goal. This is something you are about to do. Your goal is different. I think this essay is impressive, and your qualifications are also impressive, but I want to share with you this insight about the "goal." The goal should be something I could make a movie about... it should be a concept that is interesting and inspirational. The reader does not care about the work you will do; the reader of something you write can only get herself to be interested in an intriguing concept.

Gpa GPA

As I continue to read, I cannot find any interesting concept in this essay. Clearly, you are very intelligent and accomplished, but as a writer I want to share with you the insight that will make a reader feel a real experience, real emotion and interest. You should focus this essay a bit more on the same concepts covered in one of your papers. The concept you care most about is the one that defines you, and that is what will inspire the reader. Talk about that key concept at both the beginning and the end.

:-)

Graduate / MBA: Page number 221 of your 300 page autobiography (how to start it?) [4]


This is part of that autobiography, isn't it?
With these essays, you will be giving a full picture of your envisioned future. For example, if you know what you want to be doing in 5 years, it is because you know what kind of life you want to lead and what kind of legacy you want to leave. Also, you know what people influence you in that direction, right? Whom do you admire? Use the essay about a trip with 2 people as an opportunity to show them what kind of person inspires you. What are you passionate about?

The event you think is wrong shows your moral development, the challenge you describe shows your experience and areas of interest. These essays are a great way for the reader to know you, and if you know yourself you can respond to each part.

I look forward to seeing what you write! If you are not sure how to respond to part of this, ask your inner self, the self that is calling the shots and trying to get this incorrigible person to do the necessary work each day. :-)

Writing Feedback / MY REASON FOR VIEWING LIFE AS AMAZING (I was in five different hospitals) [2]

You can't start a sentence with Did like this... unless you are using poetic license. :-) Did not have the slightest
I did not have ...

the slightest clue as to where I was or how I had arrived there. I felt something tingling on my hand. Looked I looked down to see what it was, and to my surprise it was a leech. Sh ocked and confused, I immediately flung ...

Capitalize: I then started asking questions, "Where am I?" My mother replied, "Walter Reed."
"Where is that?"
My mother- "Washington DC."
"I'm back in the states?"

The smirk left my face and my eyebrow dropped. I then remembered flinging the leech off of my hand. I then pondered for a second. Took I took my gaze off of my mother and started looking down at my body. First The first thing ..

I'm glad I have the opportunity to help you by correcting a bad habit. Look at the sentences you started with the words: Did, Looked, Took. You seem to leave out "I" for some reason. So, correct that bad habit. You have a heck of a story here! It's a great essay. Read Strunk and White to make your grammar and style perfect.

:-)

Undergraduate / "benevolent people are everywhere" - Peace Corps Cross Cultural Essay [2]

Hey, I think this essay will make them aware that you definitely are someone with insight about culture and integration. This experience you chose to write about is very impressive, and your story is kind of "gripping." It made me feel a little tension, and that is not an easy thing to do in story telling. Regarding the style, it would be great to keep that present verb tense all the way through... as you did in the first paragraph. You might think it is too much present tense if you make the whole essay like that, but actually it will be very distinct and energized that way...

:-) nice job! Be careful in the work you are about to do, thanks for joining EF.

Undergraduate / "The Allies Club" - elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities [3]

I like that first sentence... nice job.

Don't capitalize high school. Only capitalize it if you are naming a school, like Charlevoix High School. But don't capitalize high school in that second sentence.

Here is a run on sentence: They were not different from other people I know. The y were not unintelligent, and they were my classmates that enjoyed music, sports, and laughing, just like me.

Great theme, great examples! You are cool! :-)

Undergraduate / "Assisting my grandmother" - COMMON APP. extracurricular activities question [2]

Here is a run on sentence:
I started watching over my sister before and after school when my grandmother felt I was old enough, and I made sure my chores got done and would start while cooking dinner. ---I added the word "while" to make it clearer. Does that seem okay?

hyphen: hard-working

This essay is very good! I think it gets better and better as I read. At the end, it is very strong because of the examples from your work, and I want to suggest also getting more detailed about your professional goals (i.e. what topics you are learning now in your independent reading, and what specialization best suits you...)

:-)

Writing Feedback / an essay about why laptop is important to me? [2]

Everyone needs to have an important object in her or his life.

Capitalize: Inspiron

with the model number PP39l. I bought my black (you already said it was black) laptop in August 2009 in at Best Buy.

Capitalize Internet

... and promised she would not broke break it.

I agreed to her request. However, I could not open my laptop after I came home. ---oh, no!

This is a cute essay...

but I could not do anything about it.

I have had nothing to do during those fifteen days; I could not surf on the Internet , read a novel, chart chat with my friends, check my email and or even listen to the music. I do did not want to ...

Just practice writing verbs in the past tense.
I do not want to... I did not want to... I cannot do anything... I could not do anything...

:-)

Book Reports / Lord of the Flies and Macbeth - essay on a comparison between 2 novels [4]

Let's look at the question: How do Lady Macbeth and Piggy support Macbeth and Ralph, and what is the relationship between the two ways of supporting?

To make it even easier, I'll divide it into a series of questions below. Remember that a compare and contrast essay is supposed to show both similarities and differences.

1.) How Does Piggy support Ralph?
2.) How does Lady Macbeth support Macbeth?
3.) What are the similarities between 1 and 2?
4.) What are the differences between 1 and 2?
5.) After comparing the relationship between 1 and 2, what interesting thing do you notice that you can use as a THEME for your essay?

:-) good luck!! You should be the one to start, and let other people follow your lead in the brainstorming!

Writing Feedback / No role for teachers in the classroom because of computers? [2]

This sentence needs to have an article before Education:
Educational sector is not an exception.
I don't mean to say article as in 'newspaper article.' An 'article' in grammar is a word like 'the' or 'a'... in this case, you should use 'the.'---> The educational sector is not an exception.

spelling: sceptic skeptic.

Spelling: trigers triggers

;-)

Undergraduate / What are your expectations of the Educational Foundations major? [2]


were, not was.

But that sentence makes too much of the cool detail about your past. Try this for intensity: do not write a whole paragraph based on it, but instead make a passing reference. You can tell about neat rows of stuffed animal students in the same sentence that you mention having volunteered at YMCA and the after school programs. That will be a POWERFUL sentence if it contains so much evidence of your preparedness.

But you WATER your writing down if you spend a whole paragraph making those points. Less is more. Make every punch count.

All those examples in the first para belong in a body para. Use the first para to introduce a THEME.

That last paragraph is AWESOME. I can tell you wrote this from beginning to end instead of writing random paragraphs, as I do, and putting them together later. By the time you got to the end, you were writing with the energy of inspiration. That is how it seems to me, anyway... I don't know...

:-)

Graduate / "The application of knowledge to develop a community" - SOP for M.Sc Computing [4]


I like your idea, but you need a little change in this sentence.
The potential to apply knowledge for the improvement of the Nigerian economy has...---this is an excellent goal, and I am happy for you, because you have meaningful work ahead of you. You can improve a lot of people's lives during your career! Do you see why I made those changes to that intro sentence? It is the potential that influenced you to apply... the potential to apply knowledge.

Over In the past, I have ...

curiosity in technical matters

...becoming equipped with the necessary skills neede to add value ...

Very impressive!!

Graduate / "How beautiful and harmonic God has created the world" - PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

When you modify a verb, you need adverbs. For example, modify created like this:
How powerfully, beautifully and harmonically God has created the ...

As I continue to read, I see that you write very well, so maybe I misinterpreted that first sentence... anyway, it sounded awkward.

Here is another small grammar problem I can fix:
Since studying "Environmental Design (Green Buildings)", sustainability has become becomes the concept ...
i.e. Here is another example: Since studying science, I have become aware of strange phenomena.

I aspire to see a world that is better designed in terms of harmony with nature,---very nicely written...

lower case h, add periods: my Ph.D. study.

Well done! If you cite some recent articles that pertain to your specfic interests in the field, it will show that you are proactive about your studies. However, the essay is so impressive, I would be surprised if anyone failed to appreciate it. Be confident! Good luck :-)

Graduate / Computational Fluid Dynamics (CFD) - Statement of Research Interests [2]

That first one is put together very well. If you are feeling creative, try this: revise it so that it is a little like a story.

That might be easy, or it might be hard, but it is a great way to energize the paragraph.

For the second one, find the most interesting way to explain the thesis. Tell us a little about it so we can become interested.

My main motivation is to have a deep knowledge on both experimental and numerical methods when I will be graduated as a Ph. D student.---This is not a main motivation. Dig deep, and find your main motivation. :-) Open up a little and share your point of view.

Graduate / "The need for specialization" - SOP for Ph.D. in mechanical engineering [3]

Okay, I am going to give you tough criticism, because I think I can help you gain an important insight right now...
Specialization is important because this is an era of multiplicity, enormity. It is an era in which only the best can be competitive. The same is true for sentences in an essay. Do not keep any weak sentences:

Therefore, I am enthusiastically applying to the University of Toronto for the Ph.D. program. obvious.

The whole first paragraph does nothing for the reader. It is a whole paragraph that does nothing but tell the reader your choice of major.

to change the method of application of surface forces, like surface tension or electrostatic forces, in Ripple code. --can you be more specific about what you are doing? I think this will impress the reader a lot if you can make her/him understand your project.

My resolute intention for future is to become a research professional at an academic or commercial, research-oriented organization. In fact I think it is the art of a successful and apt researcher to apply numerical simulations...----this is very good. Right here, I start to see YOUR philosophy. I want to see more of this at the beginning of the essay. In the intro paragraph, tell the reader what all of this means. What can you tell us about your personal ideas about your chosen field? It is not enough to say it is challenging, or that it has a range of applications. You have to tell the reader about something you want to do, some theme they can associate with you. All the examples are strong and impressive... very good accomplishments, but as an ESSAY this is supposed to take the reader on a trip to explore ONE BIG CONCEPT. So, what is your theme, your concept? Use the intro and conclusion of the essay to explain it.

:-)

of experienced advisers and also ...

Scholarship / The medical field, a neuroscientist and a neurosurgeon - Influence Of My Career [3]

Oh, I really like that intro. It got me curious right away.

Once, as a child of 8 years, I truly believed I was destined for greatness, assuming I would achieve the likes of invincibility and other powers only achieved available to comic-book superheroes. ---I made a small change to fix the grammar.

I fully expected to cure the world of its problems, garnering international stardom and my own line of action figures in the process. ---nice...

No comma necessary here:
The unclear diagnosis of the problem by the doctors in our hometown in India led me to develop the simple ...

Research, which I believe directly contributes to the scientific body of knowledge in helping one day solve neurological disorders such as traumatic brain injury, stroke and multiple sclerosis. This last sentence is unclear, grammatically incomplete, and sort of weak because of the randomly chosen examples at the end.

Even though I killed that last sentence, I have to say this is a very strong essay. You did everything right... entertaining the reader, sharing a process of personal growth, and then demonstrating knowledge from hard work. You are a person on a mission, a serious scholar. I think any school will accept you if the AO sees this essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- sporting events and their need for easing international tension [3]


When you get to the end of that first paragraph and make your point, I think you should use a longer, more meaningful sentence that expresses your main message to the reader a little more clearly.

Do the quote like this:
"There is no such thing as public opinion. T here is only published opinion."

International events in the field of sports also help to renew bilateral ties between nations that are supposedly foes.

I think the word require will be good here:
But these sporting events need require a lot of investment, which is not easy for any country.

Do not use although and also yet. Just use one or the other:
They are not a complete solution to the tension, yet they have a significant effect.
or
Although they are not a complete solution to the tension, they have a significant effect.

:-)

Undergraduate / The Harm of Insignificant Pleasures (Univ. of WI-Madison) [2]

...how many people throw away their educations for the sake of trying to present an acceptable image to their peers, or even just from laziness. ---I added an s so you can have "number agreement," and that will be a little more stylish. Yet, you are not actually wrong, because education is the kind of noun that can be singular or plural.

You established a theme about not letting laziness get in the way of what is important, but what, exactly, is important?

It was towards the end of my junior year of high school when that I had realized that an education is not only important for the sake of one's livelihood, but for the sake of one's existence as well. ---unclear.

... party lifestyle would last forever---well, in a way it does. Not forever, but for as long as you stay healthy enough to enjoy it.

to participate with other like-minded individuals for the sake of acquiring knowledge together.----You talked very eloquently about the struggle that results if people do not succeed in finding work that pays well and that they can enjoy. Yet, I do not know much about what you find to be meaningful. You can go into nursing or law and definitely earn a lot of money. You can be a physician, or you can learn about computer science. Many jobs pay well, and many jobs, like nursing, are also in high demand. So you can have "success" if it = a good paycheck. But what will you enjoy DOING every day? I don't know what dead end job your mom has, but I do know a janitor that is happier than a guy I know who other people call "boss."

What can you do to make sure your education prepares you for the three kinds of work that interest you most? What are your goals for these next 3 months? Only a person with goals for the next month, two months, two years, etc. can be a person who is proactive enough to carry out a plan. What is the plan?

Undergraduate / "the standard American milestones" - Personal Statement: University of Madison [2]


In the big picture, though, tons of people share it.

I need to cut a lot from the beginning. I have a great lesson to share with you. It is important for writing and rap, because they are of course the same. You need to omit all that is not powerful.

In your lyrics, you do not allow any weak lines. Why include any weak lines? So I have to cut all the weak lines from the beginning of this essay. They are expository, informative, boring, ordinary. But you have a great sentence here:

As a kid whenever I was home alone or it was raining, instead of picking up the T.V controller I would spend hours in my room writing lyrics. ---Now HERE is a sentence that is intriguing. If you cut all the content that comes before this, it will be a great experience for the reader.

As I continue to read, it is perfect, with impressive examples and real, meaningful reflection.
I love it.

But at the end, I have to cut again:

Due to the nature of the lifestyle I have pursued since the age of nine, I think I have developed into a very creative, innovative, and individualistic person. All of these ....

That stuff is meaningless. Now take those sentences in the middle, whose lives I spared, and study them. Notice the energy that I notice in those specific sentences that follow the rule "Show, don't tell."

You have the right stuff, I think. But do not allow any sentences in your essay if they do not show the reader some imagery, some action, or some intriguing reflection.

***Informative sentences are hard work to read, so you tell info to the reader on a need to know basis. :-)

Undergraduate / My Personal Essay for UT - My Life in One Page, Basically [5]

Here is an easy mistake to make:
There were was a bunch of ...

You should use quotes for this part, or italics:
"It wasn't my fault," I'd tell myself, "I want to like girls, but he did this to me."

The last year of high school I began finally admitting to myself that I am indeed gay. ----This is a powerful sentence. Actually, you have a lot of powerful sentences... very good stuff. I'll make a little change here, though:

During the last year of high school I began finally admitting to myself that I am indeed gay.

It's the first step that I've taken, seeing as the person who's reading the essay will be the first I ever really admit it to.--- congratulations! Here are some great things for you:

Any book by Sherman Alexie
This: nytimes.com/2010/10/19/us/19video.html

The work of the poet Rumi

General acceptance of homosexuality or even, general apathy indifference toward one's sexual orientation is what I hope for.

...and it will matter as much to them as me being right-handed does.---perfect. This whole essay is so well written. Maybe it will reach an AO reader with wisdom, and it will be appreciated. Maybe it will read a bigot in the AO, and it will enlighten him a little. Stay introspective as you are now, read The Way To Love by Anthony Demello, and you will surely make the world a better place. And take heart, because the smart people are not bigots, and the bigots wouldn't like you regardless of your orientation, because you are an intellectual, and bigots hate intellectuals. :-)

This is the best kind of essay, because the energy and the concept came first (before you started writing, rather than after, as it does in some essays that seem to move along meaninglessly as the writer hopes for an idea to get in there on its own), and you gave expression that changed forms like a lava lamp until the brilliant ending.

Undergraduate / "I love everything about art" - why the illinois institute of art [2]


Typo here...
Oh, I see Abdellah beat me to that correction.

Montserrat, I'm sure I am too late to be useful, because your deadline has probably passed, but I want to mention that this essay is not really spectacular in any way. If you need to submit essays again and want to use this one, it needs some fascinating concept to make people interested. The way you wrote it shows that you communicate well, but it does not do anything to inspire the reader. Try starting with a phrase or sentence that really inspires you, and take inspiration from that as you continue to write.

:-)

Undergraduate / BU Supp: Leaps and Bounds - spectacular progress or growth in a big way. [6]

This is the kind of case where I would want to use " " marks:
By definition, If one does something in "leaps and bounds," they are...
And I cut "definition." Less is more...

The enthusiasm and intelligence reflected here are impressive. There seems to be something missing from that first paragraph, though. It is all one big claim. It is written so skillfully that I believe it, but it really would be good if you expressed the idea that your motivation COMES from something you feel strongly about rather than simply from your personality. It has more credibility if you say you are motivated BECAUSE of something meaningful that the reader can get inspired about, too.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a case of déjŕ vu" - An Intellectually Engaging Idea [11]

Oh, I should have known that. And if I can be in two worlds at the same time, I suppose I can also be in this world more than once at the same time, too. Maybe I am you, and we are talking to ourself!