Writing Feedback / GRE ISSUE - evaluation of the most effective teaching methods. [7]

There are many good points made in this essay. However, there are some issues with forming sentences. Many of the sentences are incomplete or need to be joined with other sentences. Some sentences also lack enough detail. I am going to try to assist you paragraph by paragraph with changes. Generally, you essay is lacking words such as "a" and "the". If you work on inserting missing words such as these, your essay could be better. These words mean so much to help with the ease of reading an essay. The bold words will show you how to improve on inserting these words.

Paragraph 1: The first sentence I think you are trying to express that when someone is taught they must give positive and negative feedback. Sometimes negative feedback is not expressed this way, some prefer the term constructive feedback. Focusing is not the wrong word choice, it is just inaccurate. You should change the beginning of this sentence to: "If a teacher completely focuses..." I'm not sure why the next sentence needs to be there. You could delete it: Which is not true teaching skill . When you say for highly, you need "a" between those words. Prepare should be in the past tense. There is a good transition word, but I think you mean that if a person has difficulties in subject areas, time management, and problem solving skills, then it would be stressful to take an examination.

Paragraph 2: I would change the first sentence to: Likewise, success can be met with fear of failure. When you want to include ideas in a series, you can start the sentence with, "This may include a fear of failure..." Place "a" before dream. "It motivates a student to work hard, especially on his or her weakness." Personally, I feel it is a better revision of the sentence, because it would mean weakness could apply to a male or female student. Place "the" before student in the next sentence. I'm unsure how you are describing the game of cricket. Do you mean that if a batsman has never played the ball and is taken off the sidelines to play, then he could show a lack of skills in the game?

Paragraph 3: "In a similar way...mold a student by his or her... in the field" "Sometimes motivation is also required in teaching." Add-s to the end of indicate and point. Add "the" before student and delete "his". This next sentence needs to be explained.

Paragraph 4: The details are adequate in the last paragraph, but it could be better stated. Rewrite the last paragraph. This sentence is incomplete: "Their positive and their negative skill." I don't know if it is supposed to be a new idea or with the first or 3rd sentence.

Writing Feedback / Are testing and examinations justified? The current system needs some improvements. [4]

I can help you make some changes to your paper. First, you should make this change to the end of your paragraph: overlook either "overlooked".

Also, make these changes to the second paragraph: is the fact that it allows teachers to get access to students' educational achievements.When you discuss marks and points, change in to "on". Replace the comma after matter with a period. Use a transition word to begin the next sentence. Ex:

"Therefore, teachers can use teaching strategies that correspond to the needs of each student." This sentence fits better with the information that you begin to discuss in the next sentence. Place "a" before voracious. Delete some of these words: common textbooks or syllabus .This sentence needs a revision: On the other hand, for needy if a student has difficulties in grasping basic ideas and structures , teachers may adjust their teaching pace to help the student keep up with his or her peers. You can also change regular supervision to "help them receive remedial help". Regular supervision could mean something that involves the students behavior.

This next paragraph has some great information. However, the third sentence is incomplete. You should add "levels of achievement", to the end of the sentence. Add "and" before group in the next sentence. Change last but not least to: "Finally". Remember to cite your source if there is information that is being used from a source such as a book, the Internet, etc.

I wouldn't end the essay with this transitional phrase. I think you can end with "In summary". Change outstrip to outweigh and make disadvantage plural.

Graduate / SOP for Macquarie MBA must include points/info, work history, achievements, career goals, why MBA... [3]

In order to change or trim your paper, you could combine your career goals. For example, you begin discussing your long term career goals then you discuss your short term career goals. This will greatly impact the length of your paper. You should start your discussion in chronological order by first stating your short-term goal and then progressing to the long term goal. For example, you could use the sentence that discusses how you plan to be a consultant at Accenture after getting a MBA degree. Then discuss how being a consultant will help you make a smooth transition to becoming a SVP. You can continue the discussion by stating you are made for this role in a major hi-tech company.

I know that some information can be deleted from your paper. However, if you really want to trim your paper, you could briefly mention how you want to begin your career as a consultant and then transition into a SVP role. Then discuss more details regarding your passion to be a SVP.

Why MBA: This is good information to include because it details why you need to obtain a MBA degree. My only concern is that having too many career goals may give the reader the impression that you are unsure of your career path. I think you should choose which career goal you want to emphasize the most. Since you mention consulting more, if you want to mention this career goal then you have to take out most of the information about being a SVP. You could mention that this is the right path that will help you eventually have a career as a SVP. This shows that you are thinking about upward mobility or being promoted in your career.*

I have given you many options to trim your paper, and I hope that you are able to decide what will make your paper better. A SOP focuses on achievements, career goals, and how attending the specific university will help you achieve your goals. You are doing quite well thus far!

Why the School: I think there is too much information in this paragraph. Focus on two or three areas of the program that you think will help the reader understand why you chose the university. Are some of these courses offered by other universities? If some of these courses are unique, then you could highlight or discuss those courses if they will help benefit you in your future career.

Closing: This is a good sentence, but it reads almost like a run-on sentence because there is too much information. "In conclusion, I'm interested in learning and developing business skills by utilizing the holistic approach to education at MGSM. My willingness to contribute to the MGSM community, will allow me to become a well-rounded MBA graduate and achieve my career goals."

Graduate / SOP for Macquarie MBA must include points/info, work history, achievements, career goals, why MBA... [3]

I would be happy to help assist you by providing some feedback. I want to focus on the meaning.

Leadership Achievements: When you discuss the model UN event, you don't describe it in detail. Although it is good to list your achievements, I suggest that you provide more specific details in your SOP. What did you do at the event, because you compare it to a product? Since you are relating details in the past, change have to "had" when you discuss your potential. The last sentence needs a better transition. You could start the sentence by describing how working at HP was another experience that helped you develop leadership skills.

Work History: Since you have good information but longer sentences, I think it would be beneficial for you to use commas. In the first sentence, place a comma after college and life. There are missing details in your story because you discuss college life and then discuss being an engineer. You could correct this by stating that, I presume, "a MBA in engineering". Then state, "When I became an engineer,..." Delete "have" before compiled. I think you mean: "advocated a change in the process we used to handle those issues to management". Is that correct? Place "a" before management and a comma after consultant.

Change this sentence to:"After working for four years, I feel this is the right time to study business".

These are a few changes. I will suggest more later.

Writing Feedback / Students broad spectrum of knowledge? It would be an important step to improve their personality. [2]

I would like to help you with a few more revisions to your paper. I think you should begin your essay with," Education". The second sentence start with the word, "A". Change part of this next sentence to: "...students should take a variety of courses... include them in their curriculum". Delete this sentence: I have few points to support my idea .

Also, when you use taking variety and studying variety of courses, in this essay, the word "a" needs to be between these words. When you discuss knowledge, you should change "on" to "of". Ex: knowledge of the environment

You can place a comma before because. You can also change contribution to contribute.

Undergraduate / Regretful moment when you chose not to speak up [3]

I can help assist you with corrections. First, I would suggest that you describe your experience in reading as being immersed in reading your textbooks rather than having your nose in you textbook. When you place the word "and" between two words in a series it can be confusing. I would delete etc., and replace it with a period. Change part of this sentence to,..." when I had to answer the same questions..." What was the implication? I think this should be explained. The end of this sentence should read,..." there was no one raising their hand." Revise this sentence, " I had the answer, but decided not to state it because I couldn't get over my fears." The next sentence needs to reflect that your classmate answered the question with some probing questions or guidance by the teacher. You can use another word to begin the next sentence such as, "Consequently or As a result". Place "was" before determined. Switch your words to read: working hard and practicing daily. This needed a revision to show this is an ongoing action or what you do daily. I hope this helps you!

Undergraduate / "Psychology wasn't my first choice" - UC transfer personal statement [3]

I will help assist you with some changes. First, when you use the word, "psychology" after a comma, you don't have to capitalize the first letter in that word. You could simplify the first sentence by simply stating psychology wasn't your first career choice. When you discuss your interest in architecture, you can also describe it as a career choice. I think you can make another sentence to discuss how you suffered. Place a comma after childhood. Delete "as to". Place a comma after head and add "which was unbeknownst to the image I projected to the outside world." In the next sentence, place a comma before "and". Continue should be in the past tense. Place a comma after semester . Place a comma after effortless. The sentence in which you discuss being exposed to nurses needs a comma after patients. Form two sentences when you discuss how your experience at a rehabilitation center helped you choose psychology as your major and witnessed what psychologists do daily. Very good ending! Your essay seems very heartfelt. This is very important in this type of essay. Make sure you separate the essay into paragraphs and proofread.

Undergraduate / The recipe for NYU, a missing ingredient which bring back this school on track to its future success [4]

Personally, I think the beginning of this essay is fantastic! However, I would like to give you a suggestion to make it even better. You could simply state this to open your essay: "New York has an incredible recipe." Then begin to give the details of that recipe. You just needed something to draw the reader in a little bit more.

Since I have visited New York and know a little about synapses, this is a great way to describe it. Interestingly, new synapses can be formed according to researchers. Maybe you can make a comparison between you living in the city and how it will contribute to your growth and gaining new experiences at the end of the paragraph.

In the last paragraph, I agree that it needs better organization. However, I do understand why you chose these details. You must have a transition word to begin this paragraph (i.e. Nevertheless). If you discuss that you were your father's son and daughter this becomes too confusing because you add that you are his little girl in the same sentence. You have to separate these thoughts. As a female, I can understand what you are trying to convey. However, you could discuss that your father influenced your love of sports and as a female you want to break a barrier by becoming the first General Manager of a NFL team. The next sentence needs another revision. This is an incomplete thought because you end with "such". Do you want to end the sentence by stating it will give you the opportunities to achieve your dreams? The next sentence replace such with "this".

Both of these posts can help you with your essay to make it better. I hope this helps you.

Undergraduate / I was enthralled by the things I saw in the USA for the first time in my life - Personal Statement [2]

I can help suggest some changes you can make to your essay. When you begin the essay, you should change me to "myself" and place "have" before never. When you use the word amazed in the 1st paragraph, you should change "of" to "regarding".

State that you "immigrated to" the United States. Place a comma after behind and Philippines. When you describe that you are coming to America, you should use "here to America". There are some sentences that could be rearranged. When you state information about management, this is personal. Each sentence about your grandfather should be together in this paragraph, so the reader can understand your ideas in your story.

Another change that could be made are the details about your father and his former job. These details belong in the paragraph in which you talk about your grandfather. That paragraph discusses the details about your immigration and this detail is important in explaining that journey.

Before I continue to assist you, I need to know if the rest of your story happened in the past. Some of the story has information that is described in the past and present which makes it difficult to understand. There could be simple changes made to your story, such as changing the verbs from the present to the past tense. This could really help make your essay better.

Writing Feedback / The appreciation for positive actions is the best way to teach [5]

I can help assist you with this essay. I feel that you could start the essay by describing how from the time of one's birth, learning begins. Then discuss how learning continues throughout one's life. I feel you need to explain who gives this praise. Is it the parent or guardian? The next sentence you can be very specific and continue to discuss who gives this praise and that it is the best way to teach my child. I would delete this sentence: I have few points to support my instances.

2nd paragraph: The first sentence should discuss how appreciation helps. For example, you could discuss how it increases the ability to learn because it gives a person more motivation to learn. The next sentence needs to be revised. Here is a suggestion:

"When we want to achieve something, which is difficult to learn, if somebody encourages us then we can reach that goal."
This paragraph needs revisions because there are missing words. Ex:"... on [the] next exam". Changed boost to the past tense as you did with inspired. Make mark plural by adding -s to the end of mark. "Its" should be it's, and make action plural.

I will try to assist you more a bit later.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Books and Internet, which one is better to use to research? [9]

I wanted to assist you with explaining how you can make your paper better. This will help you as you continue to improve your writing skills in English.

If you are speaking about the present and use the word "is", you shouldn't use the word "used" in the same sentence. In order to change this, you would tell the reader that: "The Internet that we use is now a very important part of our lives." Look throughout your paper to see if this pattern exists. You are close to the correct word in the next sentence. The word you should use is actually "transmitting" to describe information. The next sentence is good, you used the word than correctly and the reader could understand the comparison.

If you use, "In my view", it seems as if you are looking at something. However, If you use, "In my opinion", then you can begin to discuss how the Internet is an important resource for information. I also think you should change this sentence by combining everything you will discuss.

Ex: "In my opinion, the Internet is a more effective way of collecting information because it is quick, cheap, and stores the latest source of information." I used the first sentence in each paragraph to add to this sentence.

In the second paragraph, you would benefit from deleting some words. Ex: "In comparison with books, the Internet is the quickest and cheapest source of information". When you describe the cost, you can simply state you can read them for free rather than cost of free.

When you use the word "which", it is usually used to describe something and not to begin a sentence. Ex: I traveled to Hawaii, which is known for its beautiful beaches.

The next sentence is a run-on sentence because you are trying to put too much information into one sentence. Delete the "a" before research. End the sentence when you discuss you needed to find books about this topic. Start a new sentence to describe that when you arrived at the library, there were no books available. Since this happened in the past and you are describing books, you would change was to "were" and costs to "cost". The next sentence you want to follow the same format and change this run-on sentence. When you use commas, you are adding more information so there are too many ideas being discussed. When you discuss what your friend stated, you should state that your friend has a better grade on the same assignment. You should also look at your paper and make sure that you are using "the" before Internet when it is needed.

In the last paragraph, you say, "Not only the quick". You should change it to: "Not only is it..." When you use "it", the reader knows you are still discussing the Internet.

Writing Feedback / "My Terrible Neighborhood" - Stating reasons and giving examples paragraph. [4]

I can help suggest some changes to make your essay better. Here are my suggestions

1st sentence: Are you trying to express that you can't move to another neighborhood? When you discuss people, you should replace is with "are".

3rd sentence: Rearrange the words in this sentence. It should be,"...$200 per month for a room".
4th sentence: Use the example in the 3rd sentence to change the wording of the monthly costs.

When you discuss your friend, who pays 240 dollars monthly, this should be the last sentence in the paragraph. Change part of this sentence to "...room, which is even more expensive..."

The next paragraph, you are going to discuss the second reason the neighborhood is dangerous. Change brake to break. After mentioning the three houses that were broken into, use the word "Also" to transition to the next sentence. If you are discussing more than one individual, make sure each word is plural (i.e. thieves).

The following paragraph should begin with "Finally".

I think you should revise the last sentence you could possibly change "dominated by thieves area" to "high crime". This could summarize the situation you are facing in the area in which you live.

Graduate / SOP Critique for thermo fluid sciences [3]

This paper is well-organized for a SOP. When I first read it, I thought you should change the first paragraph. However, the first paragraph seems to contribute to the fluidity and sense of purpose you convey in your SOP. However, I must critique a portion of your essay. Here are my suggestions:

2nd paragraph: "Although, I have no specific topic of interest." This sentence is an incomplete thought. You can add it to the next sentence to help it have more meaning. I will also suggest to discuss more of your interest. The person who is reading the SOP is aware of the discipline. Your final project conveys your accomplishment and interest in the field. The last sentence in this paragraph needs to be changed. I will help assist you with this revision. "I feel that the University of British Columbia, with its rich blend of competent faculty, would be the ideal place to shape my career and make me achieve my professional goals." If you want to keep the portion of the sentence that discusses the faculty as eminent scholars, you can discuss how having these attributes will continue to help your overall growth as a student.

The SOP helps you convey to your reader that you are a good student and are well-equipped to continue your studies in the discipline. Keep this in mind as you read your essay. Ask yourself: Does this essay convey my goals, what type of student I am, and why I have chosen this university?

3rd paragraph: Remember to place "the" before University. When you make revisions, form contractions. Please change "am" to I'm. The sentence after you discuss joining the program in Canada, should be in the same paragraph. There is a gap that exists. Make this sentence apart of your last paragraph. Also, change this sentence to: "I am confident that I have the capacity and solid foundation, to prove as an asset to your graduate program as a graduate student or as an assistant with research or teaching duties." I think you can revise this sentence further. I'm unsure if you are considering being a research assistant or teaching assistant in your graduate program. If you discuss being a research or teaching assistant, you can form another sentence and discuss how you are considering this path to help enhance and complement your experiences in the discipline. The last sentence is really good!

Writing Feedback / Music and sports are not important in school [3]

There were some slight details that I wanted to assist you with changing. I organized the changes according to each paragraph and sentence. Here are my suggestions to change your paper:

1st paragraph: "Some people believe that the education system should be based on courses that positively contribute to students' future career, rather than providing courses like music or physical education." Place an apostrophe at the end of students in the last paragraph.

2nd paragraph:"...students who lack adequate..." Place "the" before job. Place "a" before low and "may" after owners. Place "their" before budget.

3rd paragraph: I think the first sentence doesn't match the details that follow. I think you should state that music and sports has advantages and disadvantages. The details in the paragraph support this. Put should be plural. Place a comma after activities. I am going to suggest to, replace the word soundness with "well-being". Place "be" before unwilling. I think you should change the word items to activities.

4th paragraph: I think you can add one or two sentences to your last and first paragraph to make your paper better.

Writing Feedback / Should government support local film makers financially? [4]

I have provided you with some suggestions to make your paper better. Remember to use the word "the" in your paper. This was probably the most frequent word left out and will help you with your writing skills. Your examples were easy to understand.

1st paragraph: "In the modern world..." Change "strive" to "strived". The next sentence I would change growth to increasing and flicks to film. I won't change how you want to express this, but I will help you with word choice. Here is a suggestion:

"This raises the question: Should the government support the local filmmaking industry?"

In the last sentence, I assume you mean emergent funds needed for foreign films and the solutions to the issue. Is this correct?

2nd paragraph: Change the edge on to "have greater financial budgets than local producers". Revise this sentence:
"Numerous foreign movie companies have robust financial budgets for special effects, spectacular locations, actions, and stunts when making a movie."

I think you should replace actions with shooting scenes too.

Change offer to offering and salary to salaries. Makes actress plural by adding "-es" to the end of the word. Make blockbuster plural because you discuss two movies. Change criticised to criticized. Place "the" before nation's and "to" after try.

3rd paragraph: Place "their" before international and "the" before government. Effects should have all lowercase letters. Delete "as well" in the next sentence. I think when you discuss domestic movie makers, you should try to explain that they will contribute to the local cities economically. For example, in my local area they shot blockbuster films and employed extras for these movies. Do you mean these factors help local film makers increase the popularity of their films?

4th paragraph: I would suggest beginning with, "In summary the reason for unpopular local films is..." Place "the" before government and change part of the sentence to: ..."so that they can at least raise the standards of domestic movies to a foreign movie benchmark".

Undergraduate / Notre Dame 'good story' essay: 150 eye-catching words. [3]

Is this an essay for a scholarship or to gain entrance into the college? I'm unsure what this essay is for, but I feel that if you explain who you are this maybe more eye-catching. When you stated where you live in this essay, my first thought was to discuss what your accomplishments are because you seem like a good writer. Your word choice shows you are a very engaging writer, but it is a melancholy description. I wouldn't describe you as "boring", after this writing. My suggestion is to try to hook the reader in a way that will express what type of student you will be and the contribution you will make to the university.

Writing Feedback / Why it is correct that you take the BUOP's grant? Because I am "Progressive" [6]

I have suggested some more changes. Yet, some of the information isn't deleted, so the paper is going to be over the required number of words. Please make these changes so you can make revisions to your paper. Also, in your title you could include Learner after Progressive because it would show you are continually learning.

Because I am "Progressive"

You need to place "an" before eye-opening. Use "an" rather than "a" when the first letter in the next word is a vowel. Also, in this same sentence replace of with "in". The next sentence, replace "the all" with "every". Make sure you capitalize "I" throughout your paper. Face should be singular. Delete the -s.

Change this sentence to: "Although it was usually good, during this whole morning, my thoughts were really obsessing me and it made my breakfast horrible."

Explanation for the changes: You needed to replace it with "my" because the reader would be unsure what thoughts you were trying to express. Also, you needed to change was to "were" because you used thoughts and that is plural.

You need a transition word for the next sentence. Here is an example:

"For example, I had to tell my parents about deciding to quit college and learn English."

In the next sentence, you can discuss how you didn't know everything but wanted to learn how to speak English correctly. The next sentence add "a" before mountain. Mountain should be in all lowercase letters.

Unprepared tourist's beginning

Stay in the past tense. If you write is, change it to was. After you discuss how your parents reminded you about the effort you needed, delete the next sentence. Begin a new sentence with, "Finally". Then discuss what your father said. The sentence would read like this: Finally, my father said "We agreed with you after long contemplating your decision". Begin a new sentence with what your mom added or said.*

*If you don't delete some information your paper will go over the required words. Then it becomes difficult to change mistakes because you may need to add or delete information. Please make this change so you can check how many words you have written.

Unprepared tourist's Struggle

These two sentences have been changed because there is too much information in both sentences:

"So I tried hard, and finally I learned English."

"After awhile, I had a habit of practicing."

Delete the first two sentences in the next paragraph. Your paragraph should begin with, "After overcoming TOEFL..." Also, delete the last sentence in this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Why it is correct that you take the BUOP's grant? Because I am "Progressive" [6]

I will try to help you with grammar later. I would rather focus on meaning first to reduce the words in your essay.

1st paragraph: Delete the sentence about you enjoying your breakfast every morning.

2nd paragraph: Keep these sentences and make these changes:
(1st, 2nd, 4th, and 8th). The 8th sentence should read: "Finally, in the end my father said "we agreed with you after long contemplating your decision." Then discuss your mom's reaction with: "My mom said "Remember everything is up on to you, you have to strive for it"." Delete this part of the last sentence: "- who just followed the others like tumble-weed".

3rd paragraph: Maybe you should start with the period between September and November to make your essay shorter. Here are some of the sentences I think you can keep: "I got it! I was really proud of myself because I reached the goal. Then, I got sixty five points on the TOEFL and it means I improved." Keep the Lincoln quote but use it in the last paragraph.

There are some problems with grammar, but you did a fantastic job with this paragraph.

4th paragraph: Delete the first two sentences. You could adjust this paragraph by only discussing the tight plan you had to complete the SAT. Also, July 6, 2015 is the wrong date. Do you mean July 6, 2014? Delete the sentence after you discuss this date because you don't know your score.

5th paragraph: Honestly, I think that the end is fine. However, the Lincoln quote could be the third sentence in this paragraph.

Scholarship / My first essay to apply for scholarships! (Graduating 2016) - Why i deserve X scholarship? [4]

I will be happy to assist you with providing feedback regarding your scholarship letter. I think it is perfectly fine to mention that your mom wants you to succeed. However, I think that you shouldn't begin your scholarship letter by stating this, because it can give the impression that you are only applying because someone else wants you to do it. If you want this scholarship, you should express this first and then discuss how this would fulfill your mom's expectation for you because she can't provide the necessary funding to help you achieve your goals.

Personally, I think you should avoid discussing many details about your father. The lack of support may show your need. However, you can simply discuss how there is little support from your other parent. Thus, this would show that you are experiencing some form of hardship, depending upon your income.

That is so great that you want to be an RN! Please discuss your passion for wanting to be in this field. I have a degree in a health field, so I know the compassion, diligence, and work ethic you will need to succeed. Also, discuss any achievements you have as a student. Basically, your essay should be balanced by discussing your passion, achievements, and need for this money. Try to revise this and I will help assist you. I hope this feedback helps you.

Writing Feedback / This topic was supposed to be for Spotlighting a person in the community! [3]

I can help you revise your essay. When you begin the essay, I assume that you are stating the title of the essay. Also, I would delete, "Yea". You can begin the essay with the question without using "Yea", if you are making the reader use the title as a point of reference for your discussion. I think you should use "realize"rather than realise.

What does he do at these community services that helps? If you state that he helps, then you should state how he does this, because if he attends the community service events he could just sit and listen. By explaining what he does, it becomes more clear to the reader how he helps. Change "Even" to "Although".

You should state:"To put this theory to the test,..." If you use our, then it seems like more than one person was involved in this test. Therefore, the next sentence should probably begin with, "Surprisingly". You could use mistaken but if you state that he is "mistakenly judged" then you help the reader to understand that some may form opinions before they meet him.

I suggest changing recognised to "recognized". This paragraph needs some revisions. I think you are trying to express how the homeless need a good meal and home. This could attract more tourists if they are in shelters. I think you mean that he should be put in the spotlight.

The last paragraph, you want to change the first sentence to: ..."should be in the spotlight or recognized". Place a comma after us. I think the last sentence need to be changed. There is too much information contained in one sentence. If you form more simple sentences, you will help the reader to understand the conclusion.

I think you will do good if you make these changes.

Writing Feedback / The new Internet problems. Threat for the children and cyber crime - IELTS [3]

I also think your writing was very organized. You have good transitions. Well done! Here are some suggestions to improve:

1st paragraph: I would suggest changing "parents ought to" to "parents should" when describing parental monitoring. The computer program is parental controls. You can delete over in that sentence.

2nd paragraph: In the opening sentence, change it to "...humans are now facing a ..." Switch the words from damage severely to "severely damage". Place a comma after this in the next sentence. Change the last sentence to "identity theft online". You could say it has proven to be effective. Delete "the" in this sentence. I think this last sentence needs revision. Do you mean that you hope that internet users avoid exploitation and protect their anonymity?

Graduate / The largest building society in the world and UK's first internet banking; Proffesional Cover Letter [6]

I would like to provide you with some more suggestions on how you can improve. Here are a few suggestions:

You can delete this part of the sentence when you begin your cover letter: which I believe may report to you . Also, don't forget to use punctuation such as commas and period before submitting your final cover letter. For example, the second paragraph you need to add a comma. You could also make this into two sentences. Here is how I suggest you change it:

"I am convinced I would be the right person to join the program, because...". "This gave me broad knowledge in areas...".

The next sentence also needs to be revised. Here is my suggestion:
Also, my enriching international experiences (I am a Spanish citizen that has studied and travelled extensively around the world) have broadened my adaptability, made me eager to learn, and helped me develop interpersonal skills that seem to fit with Nationwide Building Society, which will add diversity to the organization.

The sentence hasn't changed much but some information needed to deleted and there were words that needed to be added. I think that you should use interpersonal skills because it is a different way of saying people skills. It shows you can communicate and interact with people.

The next paragraph, I think you should rearrange the words in this sentence: "Despite not having an educational background in technology, it is an area that excites me and in which I spend part of my free time keeping up-to-date with the latest technology releases".

You should use "in' before Columbus and place a comma before I when you put USA in parenthesis. You should use a different form of the past tense instead of using, "got to make", you could change it to "I made". I also think you should describe how it taught you how to put members first because this is the company's motto. In the next sentence switch "it is" to "is it". You should use commas to explain this: "it has sustained technology, innovation, and a competitive edge".

The next paragraph needs to be changed too. You want to revise it so it shows that you would benefit from the rotation and constant feedback provided by the program. Change this sentence: What has taken me helped me to succeed at world-class institutions, is my desire to get better and trying try my best in whatever work thing I do, as my results reflect.

I know there are many changes that need to be made, but I know they will help you.

Writing Feedback / "Time flies". So grab all the moments you can within the time. Indeed college years are the best. [6]

I am going to help you with meaning. There are some slight changes you can make that will help you improve.

1st paragraph: Change the second sentence to: within that time. I think "base to face" should be changed because it is confusing.

2nd paragraph: I think you should begin this paragraph with "Attending college for four years ...". The next sentence delete "do". Bookish should be book. Don't use, I bet.

3rd paragraph: When you write the number of friends and different schools, it can only have meaning if you describe it. You could state that during your school years, your number of real friends decreased. Also, the last sentence could have a few meanings. I think you mean that you remember your friends and still interact with them.

4th paragraph: The last sentence you want to express you are enamored with college life.

5th paragraph: Change the last part of this sentence to: "work until you die".

Book Reports / Elisa is a short story. It talks about a little girl. Describing a book. [4]

This was a very interesting story. You have included many important details. Yet, when I read it, I was unsure about the ending. Were you supposed to give a summary and then discuss how you feel about the story? Also, if you discuss Britain and aristocracy, you should probably do this in the beginning of your book report. You could discuss how the story's setting is during a period of time in the history of Britain when slavery existed.

There is a detail that is confusing. When you mention that a woman was bitten, there is no more information provided. Was this Elisa? Also, the reader can become confused because Elisa's profession as a maid is described and then the report discusses her job in the shop. How old was Elisa? Was this some time after she became a maid?

I think if you make these changes, it will make your report better.

Graduate / The largest building society in the world and UK's first internet banking; Proffesional Cover Letter [6]

I think that the first sentence should be in paragraph. Generally, the first portion of a cover letter discusses what qualities make you a good candidate for the position. Then it progresses to more specific details that show your academic, volunteer, or work experiences that relate to the position. I'm not sure if the facts about the company should be in the first paragraph. Also, when you begin to discuss what you have learned through enriching experiences, you should add commas (i.e. eager to learn and people skills).

The last sentence in the next paragraph seems to fit in the first paragraph because it discusses your passion for the profession. In the next paragraph, you discuss that you will try your best. However, I think that you should be more specific because you want to show that you want to learn but you still have the ability to do well. The last sentence in this cover letter should be in the last paragraph. You are doing good thus far. I hope these changes will help you.

Scholarship / Calling all the SCHOLARSHIP HUNTERS! Applying for Graphic Design Department [3]

Hi, I would be more than happy to help with your essay. First, change the spelling of Turkey throughout the essay. Capitalize Europe and Asia. Also, capitalize, "I" throughout your essay.

I. When you state, "is high quality education", you need to revise it to: is a high quality education. When you are listing the different traits you have to begin your sentence. Ex: I like cooking, reading, and music. Some words need to come before different skills and way of thinking to help the reader understand the meaning. Study needs to be studying. Make sure you are forming contractions correctly, im should be I'm. I'm unsure what you mean by patch aspirations. Would you like to help them achieve their aspirations? Change this sentence to:

" So we will be self-prepared to compete globally".

II. I think it is better just to state that everyone has the potential to be educated rather than use dig. I would change choose to choosing. I'm not sure what you mean by the modern influx from the west. I think you should delete this part of the sentence: which take an important role and add "the" before west. The next sentence is too confusing. I think you mean you will be exposed to the latest information. Change this sentence to: "Another benefit is enjoying beautiful friendships with other students that are coming from everywhere." You begin to speak in past tense. Change finished to finish.

III. I can't understand the ending of the second sentence. I will show you how to change the next sentence: Design is not only a picture and text, design is about how to manage colors in harmony and have a strategy to make the reader get the message of itself . Word choice is important when you are writing in English. That is why this sentence has very few errors. Capitalize the first letter of every word when you begin a new sentence.

Companies should be capitalized (i.e. Apple, Inc.) This sentence needs to be combined because it is starting to become an incomplete sentence because of punctuation: "It means even a big company like Apple Inc., needs a small logo that is simple, chic, and easy to remember." I am going to take out some information because I am getting confused with some sentences. software engineering not completely software engineering . Start a new sentence when you discuss teaching graphic design. I think you are trying to discuss how you taught students how to create logos using the program Corel and Photoshop. I'm not sure why your perfect score is explained after this sentence. Was this an internship in your field.

I hope that this helps you.

Writing Feedback / Living in A Media-Rich Society; media should contribute more for humanity in the future [2]

I have provided some changes for you to consider. Everything is well organized, but there are some slight changes that need to be made. The changes are in order by paragraph.

-The opening of this essay is good. The illustration about the coins is very interesting and relates to the positive and negative effects of media. However, at the end this sentence, I think you are really stating: "of being exposed to media." In the next sentence, you can delete "the" before drawbacks and add "the" after that.

-You were almost correct with this common expression, but it is really: "in the blink of an eye". Do you mean people can keep up to date with news? Place "the" before Aceh. The next sentence, place "in" after help to discuss this recovery.

-Place "that" before the in the first sentence. Give credit to your source in this paper. Did you find the information in a book, website, etc? Example of how to give credit to a website source: (Title, Date) after quoted material.

Book Reports / A stranger at home (based on My Oedipus Complex) [3]

The essay was very easy to follow and the outline was really helpful.
This seems to be rough draft. I just want to give you a few reminders. I would avoid including that you will analyze information further. Instead of describing it as the man's return, I would change it to "his return". Towards the end of the essay, you begin to change your tense. You state that "he has to go to afternoon walks". I would change this to, "he had to go". Also, centre should be center.

Another slight suggestion is to make sure you separate your sentences and form paragraphs. I also think that Larry's loss of attention from his mother is a little less developed. The father's relationship with Larry after the war has more details.

Writing Feedback / The famous people should also contribute to the social causes in our country. [5]

First, l feel there needs to be a revision to the thesis statement. I need help in identifying what your thesis statement is. I think this is your thesis statement, "This would a small step from them to inspire the younger generation and contribute for the welfare of the society." You discuss this in your first and last paragraph so I assume it is. Here is a revision to provide a better understanding:

"It would be a small step for sport stars and celebrities to inspire the younger generation and contribute to the welfare of society."

I included what was being asked and your position, this was a simple step with little changes so that the reader can understand what you will be discussing.

I have decided not to change some of the organization of your paper because your beginning leads right to your thesis statement. However, I will still provide suggestions.

-See the previous post for changes to the opening paragraph

-In the second paragraph, you want to change part of the first sentence to: "aspire to be like". Change this sentence to: "...among adults, they usually tend to live their dreams similar to celebrities." You should use a transition word such as "However" to begin the sentence that discusses how the lives of celebrities are scrutinized. You are making a contrast between what youths seem to imitate and how celebrities are portrayed, so this will help your reader to understand the details better. Place "a" before huge. You don't describe the motivation factor. Will it be a motivating factor for change?

-In the first sentence of the third paragraph, delete "for the" and replace with "to". You should put a period after causes. Use a transition word such as "For example" when you begin to discuss these celebrities. Hollywood should be all lowercase letters. Capitalize and spell her name: Angelina. Place "an" before initiative. Change lot of to "many" and make organization plural. Change conserve to conserving. When you discuss more than one step, you have to change "This" to "These".

-In the fourth paragraph, you shouldn't mention cancer to open the paragraph. If you state that the campaigns were to raise awareness for diseases, then you can discuss cancer and HIV in the same paragraph. When describing Singh, change have to "has" and an to "the". Only place a comma after You We Can. It is more common to say, "support the fight against it". Spell his last name: Armstrong. I would Google his name because this is the wrong word for his diagnoses. Change have to "has also founded a".

-In the fifth paragraph, I would suggest to have only one subject. Your subject is more developed with crime against women. Delete smoking and anything that doesn't relate to that subject. If you discuss movies only with crime against women rather than smoking, it could fit in this paragraph.

-In the last paragraph, "the" needs to be before public. The next sentence I think you should change it to: "people of all ages to live better." In the end and summing it up are the same. You could try to use a transition word such as "Therefore" to begin your last sentence and you can delete those words.

Writing Feedback / Automobiles, bicycles, airplanes - which transport form has changed people's lives the most? [4]

I would be happy to help you improve your essay. First, I want to help you with organization.

There is very little in the opening paragraph to grab the reader's attention. I think you can add one or two more sentences.

The second paragraph should begin with the sentence that begins with "First". The third paragraph should begin with "Second". The third paragraph, "Third" rather than Last but not least.

The end of the essay, you should replace "In the nutshell" with "In summary"

Grammar changes by paragraph:
-I prefer opening an essay with, "Today" rather than Nowadays. You can change modern to modernizing. This will help the reader to understand that vehicles are constantly changing. Also, put "a" before considerable.

-Switch these words around from today vehicles to "vehicles today". You could make two sentences. I think you should replace facilities with goods. Form a new sentence and begin with "Their appearance..."

-There needs to be a word before health. Would you like to use "your". In the next sentence you need to cite your source. Did this information come from a book, website, etc? Ex: (Title of the article, Year). Place "a" after ride.

-Place "a" after riding. Do you want to express how it is eco-friendly to the environment? This next sentence needs to be revised. You can form two sentences.

-Change the word keep to "have", when discussing how bicycles are irreplaceable. I'm unsure about the last part of the sentence. Do you mean that bicycles were the earliest forms of transportation?

Writing Feedback / Assignment: Is it important to question the ideas and decisions of people in positions of authority? [3]

I wanted to provide you with as much detail as possible to make your essay better. Everything seems to be organized but there are some errors present that I have tried to assist you with.

In the first paragraph, this second sentence seems to be confusing. Did you mean to express that a majority of advocates support this idea, but others have a different perspective?

In the second paragraph, you should delete the hyphen in "incognizant". The second sentence has many issues. This is a sentence with very little punctuation so your ideas seem to be a bit confusing. Here is how you can change it:

1) Think about what you want to express to your reader.
2) Do you want to discuss the budget deficit then what economists admonished them about their policies? If you make this into two sentences, you can avoid a run-on sentence. Use a transition word such as "However", to discuss what the economists admonished.

3) When you add, "but when" you are linking ideas together which can work, but there are too many ideas in the sentence. By simply deleting these words and forming a new sentence, you can avoid a run-on sentence.

I am going to help you change two sentences in your paragraph:
"The finance minister resigned as a result and the people of Bangladesh learned some lessons. First, they learned not to trust the government's decision."

The next sentence use: "Second" as a transition word to discuss that the authorities can make mistakes.

In the third paragraph, when you discuss accounting fraud you say took recently. Did this take place recently? If this occurred, you can put "place" after took. You can delete the before advantage. You need a comma after Younus and enterprise.* Also, I had to look up his last name, place "entrepreneur" after enterprise in this sentence.

*When you want to describe a detail or introduce something that is off-topic you can add a comma (i.e. nobel prize winning). This detail can be included in the sentence and it works better with these commas.

4th paragraph: I prefer using, "In summary" when I want to summarize facts. I think this last paragraph needs to be revised because it is unclear. It seems as if you want to describe to the reader that people are bound to make mistakes. Also, place a comma after decisions and delete "the" in the last sentence.

Writing Feedback / Can an ideal job can be acquired with accomplishing study in university? IELTS [3]

I have suggested some changes to help you revise your essay. I also want to suggest that when you are quoting from a source, place quotation around quoted sentences. Always remember to cite your source in your paper.

1st paragraph: I think the first sentence in this essay should be changed. Here is a revision of the first sentence: Many people think that an ideal job can be acquired while study at a university. In the third sentence, place: "a" before job and delete "study in" before school. The last portion of this sentence is too confusing. If you want to combine the two ideas you could say that you believe that getting a job after finishing school high school has more benefits than working after graduating from a university. When you use the word, "than", you are going to be making a comparison between the two ideas.

2nd paragraph: You should change graduating in to "graduating from a university..." You could explain how there is a rise in unemployment present in every field of study. If this is taken from a source you could quote it and cite your source. Change the next sentence to: "For example, all universities have thousands of students who graduate annually..." When you describe the rest of the sentence you need to explain how there is competition that exists between newer and former graduates. Place "a" before university.

3rd paragraph: I think you need to explain how students are developed. This paragraph seems to be in favor of the idea that students should work after graduating from a university. However, you believe that finding work after graduating from high school is better. I think you should find a source that would support your position.

Writing Feedback / The famous people should also contribute to the social causes in our country. [5]

You have some evidence to support your view. However, I think there are too many topics that are in one essay. I will try to assist you with this so you can have a better essay.

When you begin this paragraph you speak about fabled people. Change this to:" ...that famous people...should contribute to the social causes in our country" You should delete part of the sentence that discusses renowned people because it becomes too confusing. When you discuss stars, you can delete unique ability and simply state that they influence the younger generation.

I think that you should change the order of your sentences too. Also, when you mention cancer, then you begin to discuss an HIV foundation. I think you can change the first sentence in the paragraph so that you can discuss both topics.

In the third paragraph, there are too many topics covered as well. I think the topic should be very specific.

I will help you with grammar and sentence order later.

Writing Feedback / CCTV and Body Scanners to improve humans safety and keep them from frauds [3]

I have suggested more changes to help you with meaning for your essay. I hope these changes will make your essay better.

Grammar changes:

1st paragraph:

1st sentence: "...important role in people's lives."

2nd sentence: Delete even and start the sentence with, "Some".

Last sentence: Are you trying to state that those tools or devices will make people lose their personal rights?

2nd paragraph:
When you state the example of the CCTV, you need to put "the" before room.
I would replace in conclusion with "Thus", because the paragraph needs more information that discusses CCTV. You should use the same transition word when describing Japan and Singapore. Here is the revision:

"For example, Japan and Singapore are both countries that have CCTV on every side of the street and in public places." Change criminal rate to crime rates.

3rd paragraph: Airport should be all lowercase letters. Change "to airport" to "the airport". I'm unsure if you want to use airport security rather than functionary.

4th paragraph: This is a good transition to use, but it is commonly used as, "In summary". Change part of this sentence to: "...a horrible effect on..." The ending of the essay needs to be revised completely. There should be more than one sentence to summarize. When you begin to discuss the public places that have CCTV, you should form another sentence. Also, you forgot to mention body scanners.

Writing Feedback / Decisions makers should not based their choice on emotions [3]

I have suggested minimal changes. There were some mistakes, but the paper is coherent.

1st paragraph: Decisions shouldn't be plural. Delete the -s. Base should be in the present tense. Delete the "d" in base. A general rule I try to stick to is to avoid starting a sentence with "because". You could replace it with decision makers. You could rearrange the 2nd and third sentence in this paragraph, because the 2nd sentence describes emotions and will lead into the next paragraph.

2nd paragraph: You need to clarify that there is a tendency not to evaluate situations if people act on their emotions. Indefeatable should be undefeatable. Justify should be in the past tense.

3rd paragraph: Tend should be tends. The key to using the word "an" in a sentence is looking at the first letter in the next word. If it begins with a vowel use "an" rather than "a". If it is a consonant, use "a" instead.

Many of the errors are minor in detail because you are not staying in the past tense. For example, launch should be in the past tense. You use "sentiments was" rather than "sentiments were".

The 2nd sentence toward the end of the paragraph: Delete "a" before turmoil, add -s to dollar, and delete first.

4th paragraph: Historical documents should be capitalized. The last two sentences need to be revised. I was confused by the ending.

Writing Feedback / Air leaks and heat loss in houses [2]

-I will help you to make any needed changes with your analysis of the diagram. I would first delete "the way" and replace it with "regarding". To make your analysis better, I would suggest describing in the next sentence how air seems to leak out of the upper rooms of the house.

-Place "the" before house. I'm confused by the air going out of the roof. You could possibly make it simple by describing how the air travels or goes out into the space of the roof. This sentence needs to be completely revised. Here is how you can change it:

"Then air escapes through the attic hatch when it enters in the middle room and also through two recessed lights, which are located above the kitchen and bathroom."

-In the next paragraph, the next sentence needs to be changed. Are you trying to describe the entire flow of air, including the air leaking in and out of the house?

-Revise part of the next sentence to read: "...windows, doors, and..." Change part of the next sentence to:"...parts such as the..."

Writing Feedback / CCTV and Body Scanners to improve humans safety and keep them from frauds [3]

I am going to give you some suggestions on how you can improve your essay. I feel that your essay could be organized differently. For example, you discuss CCTV in the 2nd paragraph and discuss it in the 3rd paragraph. You could discuss CCTV only in the second paragraph. Then you could compare how body scanners differ in the 3rd paragraph.

Ex:
1) Opening Paragraph
2) Discuss CCTV
3) Discuss body Scanners
4) Conclusion

The next 3 sentences in the 2nd paragraph seems to fit in the first paragraph of the essay. However, the first three sentences in the 3rd paragraph fit within the 2nd paragraph.

I will give you some helpful grammatical changes later.

Writing Feedback / Reducing the walking distance. [4]

I have made some more suggestions to help you edit your essay. I hope these changes will help you.

1st paragraph: I think you should change your tense. You should open with "It has been" rather than it is. In the next sentence, "the" should be placed before health. You can make "professional" plural by adding -s to the end. Delete the after maintaining. The next sentence needs to be changed completed. You should state that, "Yet, the interest of people walking is decreasing." (If this information is taken from a source, you can quote it. However, use quotation marks and cite the source). The next sentence place a comma after essay and capitalize, "I". I'm unsure what you will be analyzing. Is this a reduction in walking?

2nd paragraph: Delete "it is" before public. Change the verb have to "having a". You can make "factor" plural by adding -s to the end. Extreme should be extremely. Place an before increased.

3rd paragraph: ...due to the scarcity of land and space in most undeveloped and incipient countries, there are fewer footpaths for pedestrians.

4th paragraph: Change this sentence to: "On the other hand, the government should take the initiative to encourage people to walk."

Book Reports / Lack of Civilization Essay based on the Lord of the Flies [3]

A good way to determine if you are writing your essay according to the topic is to look up the word civilization. I looked up this word to help assist you. The definition refers to a complex society. When I read your essay, you mention the fires that they have to build. This would show that they were in an area that was undeveloped and not a complex society.

When you mention that they hunted, this is good to include in your essay because it shows how they lived and proves the lack of civilization. You are also showing how their behavior is uncivilized and they begin exhibiting savage behavior.

Nevertheless, an important detail you forgot to mention is how they landed on the island. You say crash landed, but you don't state that there was a plane crash. Remember to put this in the beginning of the essay!

Writing Feedback / The idea of free universities - what is your opinion? The quality is even more important question. [3]

I think the first sentence in this essay should be in a paragraph. It is your thesis statement and will be developed through the details you provide in the essay.

I feel you should explain what education products you are referring to. Education products could be books, technology, etc. The books are usually from educational companies. If you could have a good source to explain this, that would be great.

Also, I would describe in more detail how a university education is free to needy students. This is interesting, because some Ivy league schools were not affordable to needy students. However, to make education accessible to everyone, they provided the necessary funding to help needy students. This could make your opinion stronger if you have a source that describes this in more detail.

I will help you with some grammar changes a bit later. You are doing quite well thus far.