Essays / "Gender Discrimination is no longer a major issue" [3]


Well, your topic suggests that you need to contrast the gender discrimination in past and present eras. This comparison will help you justify that it is no longer a major issue. Here, what it means by a "major" is , in my view, that it is no more very detrimental factor to the weaker sex. For example, women were deprived of receiving education in the past ( at least in some countries), but it is not so now. Also, the cast discrimination prevailed at its heights in India in previous generations, but today it is diluted to a great extent.

Undergraduate / 'I live being on stage' - Common App Essay- prompt #4 [5]


There is something special about being on stage and connecting myself with the audience that I just feel right. In those fleeting moments, I know that my soul is not ready to be pigeonholed into high school labels.



What really get me attracted to performing is the comfort it derives for me to connect with others.

Undergraduate / @ that point of my life I was acting like the typical child ; LEADERSHIP ESSAY FOR FSU [4]


Yep, the second part has some play :)


By attending FSU, not only will I practice and learn more of the concepts of being a leader, I will finally gain that recognition in full.


From a young age, I had decided what I wanted my future career to be and until this moment I committed to myself to pursue that career.

Undergraduate / VIDEO GAMES ; Portland Art Institute Applicant essay [3]


I think you can combine these two lines and put it together. That helps you with word count too.


It looked complicated at first. However, I figured out for the most part eventually.


.... well , this line has little reference from the previous or the next sentences. Why this institute? You have not answered that and the reader gets confused.

Undergraduate / ART- UMass Lowell - What do you do in your spare time? [5]


But over the years, my motivation towards art got decreased due to lack of spare time.


... Well, you say you got demotivated and again it turns around to say that your skills got improved. There is very poor link between the previous idea and this one. You need to have a logical flow to convince the reader. Give some thought to this point!

Graduate / Electrical Engineering-Control Systems-Robotic-Fall 2014 ;SOP/ Berkeley [4]


... well, the relationship your brother getting married and giving this gift has somewhat a loose connection. What's the significance of his marriage to this?

Some of my best days were spent in my lab onby arranging and reading his books and working with electricity staff especially electrical kits.


I agree with kawsneffect .... I feel your second version too needs further trimming. Try to skim the ideas and present them creatively. Leave out unwanted details.

Writing Feedback / The two friends I can count on - help with grammar! [5]



...."guy" sounds a bit too slang...however, it depends on your purpose. If this is very informal writing, then it's fine. Otherwise you need to use a more formal word like "boy".


... grade 7 and recently - the reader tends to get confused about the times. The first one gives the impression that you've known him for long and the second one disturbs that feeling.

Graduate / Ten minutes to go for the endurance race; Masters(Automotive Tech) TU-Eindhoven [4]


Everything we have learned is going to be tested in the next three hours.


This was one of those defining moments in my life.


... I feel you should have squeezed this a little bit.

Writing Feedback / GRE: past achievement within a field may consequently lead to more success [3]


Good introduction. The part I highlighted is the only section that is not delivered very clearly. I feel you better re-phrase that part.


The fields such as art, writing, poetry, music etc. place more weight on creativeness that in most cases are very novel and not really supported by past achievements.


Well.... I feel your prompt does not speak about achievements of that person alone. It speaks about prior knowledge of achievements in the field. So, those achievements may be someone else's.

Graduate / I would always try to find a way to relate what I was learning - PTCAS [2]


I chose business studies as my major in the college, however, my average performance in business subjects suggested me to change my path. Accordingly, in the second year I took up an anatomy and physiology class which helped me discover my real passion and the path I can excel.


I began to research the careers in Health Care industry and found my special interest in the careers that are more challenging and involve in working with the body and athletes.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK2: In some countries today, there is an attitude that anyone can do it in arts.. [5]


... this sentence is confusing. Does not flow well :( Also, you should be careful with synonyms. They may give very different impressions if used inappropriately. Do not try them if you are not very sure. Construct simple and clear sentences. Clarity and flow take presidence over everything else in writing.



.... Take the rest to another new sentence.

Writing Feedback / [GRE argument task] A newsletter offers advice to invest to a new venture [5]


The newsletter offers advice to investors to invest to Techcorporation that has been approved to start its journey and compete with other service providers in the telecommunication industry.


Its advice is based on the assumption that the new venture would be a profitable investment for the investors.


However, although the advice attempts to promote investment in this new venture, its assumptions lack proper evidence that is supported by more industry specific data.

Undergraduate / I played piano for the school choir and my church;extracurricular activity [4]

This is all very good...but I wish you added a few experiences or events there to make your response more interesting. There are many statements, but less evidence.When you talk though real life situations, that's more convincing and interesting. Just give some thought about this... what you've written is all good anyway :)

Scholarship / WHY WOULD IT BE TO YOUR ADVANTAGE TO EARN BOTH BSC&MSC FROM FLORIDA TECH IN 5 YEARS T [5]


... I don't see a reason to have the part "as a student". I like if you remove that part
[


.... well .... what sort of ambitiousness is that? you need to be a little specific as it is not clear...
Also, I like if you spoke about your capability to handle study pressure as this is going to put you on tremendous pressure in order to keep up with double courses.


.... this is a logical reason .

Writing Feedback / work quickly, risk making mistakes or slowly? 'depends on our current situation' [4]


One is doing it fast although there is a certain degree of risk of making mistakes,



... both and two mean the same. So you need to drop one word as one makes the other redundant.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: The pie charts- Age groups in Oman and Spain [4]

First, I have a request for you; please open all IELTS related writing in the Writing Feedback forum category. .... This is the structure I suggest;

1. Introduce the graph


.. this is it
2. Give an overview


3. Give the detail... then go for the other details with statistical support.

Scholarship / I didn't like Physics ; Statement of Purposes for Master Degree in Atmospheric Physics [4]


At college, I was able to maintain good scores and secure a GPA of 3.61, which is quite good. I was also awarded with cum laude predicate [is this an award for excellence? I assumed so :)]


My fear about Physics faded off totally that I even attended a national Olympiad for science in Physics stream. When I attended this competition for the second time and got the opportunity to go to Surabaya in Indonesia as one of the finalists.


Olympiad certainly gave me lots of confidence and courage about continuing Physics as a subject that I decided to opt a topic in physics for my thesis.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: task 2 Some people think the foreign visitors should be charged more than the local [3]


....Great start ... very good :)


.... well this disturbs your flow... the first sentence give a fabulous entrance and you are again going backward with this. I suggest you to remove this line.


This should come next that discuss the background of the issue.


...this is also good.
Follow this structure for the intro (you are there, but this is for you to stick to that).

Writing Feedback / It has been said, "Not all learning takes place in the classroom." Compare and contrast [4]


I find these lines are pretty out of topic. They deviate too much from your topic. You need to focus on how learning takes place. This topic deals with whether learning happens through life experiences or education. So, your introduction needs to have a shift of its approach. Also, I feel it is a bit too long for an intro.


This is a repetition of what you said in your previous sentence.

Writing Feedback / knowledge consolidating; Teachers should assign homework for students every day [5]


well... may be the vocabulary that confused me ... "knowledge system" does not refer to anything straight. It does not really give the idea that homework helps students memorize things easily or it gets them to conceive the concepts better etc.... That is what I tried to mean by my comment. You write well and also show a great commitment to writing and potential for improvement. I suggest you to pay more attention to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / What are some important qualities of a good supervisor (boss)? [4]

Is this for a writing task or a speaking task? ... Whatever it is, I'd suggest you to include just one line to introduce who a supervisor is. Something like;

Supervisor is the person who monitors and regulates his subordinates. In my view, an effective supervisor needs to have ????????? (list the qualities)
Then dedicate each paragraph to talk about one quality. Give examples to support them.

Scholarship / I didn't like Physics ; Statement of Purposes for Master Degree in Atmospheric Physics [4]


I often wondered why we had to memorize and understand such complicated formulas and equations in solving physics problems instead of understanding the fundamental concepts.


... this sentence is pretty confusing.
As a result, I scored the least marks for Physics among all the subjects that I took in the school I attended in my hometown..


However, some inner thought always suggested me that this was due to a wrong approach and this feeling made me choose Physics once again as a subject in college. Proving my assumption correct, I began to get a deeper understanding about the fundamentals of Physics and in no time it became my favorite subject.

Undergraduate / Syracuse Supplement: Who is the person you dream of becoming...? [3]


... For me, the latter part is not very clear. I feel you better improve it.


... This line gives us the impression that you are against any sort of discrimination. However, this is not the quality described by early part of your response. You need to have all ideas connected to one another well.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; "traveling ten thousands miles"; The best way to travel is in a group [4]

You have very good writing skills.


You follow the desired structure for this task.... If you managed to finish this essay on time, I think you do not have to worry about this task at all. You can certainly go for a very good score and you can now concentrate on other tasks :)

Wish you good luck with TOEFL!

Undergraduate / My name is Aduraseyi. Multi-Faceted Personality/ Stanford Essay: ROOMMATE note [6]


... Interesting :)
I really like your style of writing... yes, you can write so well.... I only wish you talk a little more about your sociable side because when it's weighed I feel you have spoken more about the nerdy side. However, you've done a good job. If you have enough words in the store to use, add a few more lines.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / I decided to go back to school ;Admission essay for georgia tech [4]


Well...this part really does not answer what your prompt asks.... This prompt does not ask about these details. You need to focus on answering why you wish to study in Georgia Tech. You need to talk about its features and show how they can contribute to your short and long term goals. Also, I wish you if you removed the first line, because it gives a bit negative impression at the very beginning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 The best way of spreading news [6]


Very good introduction. Clear and interesting :)


First of all, the Internet is the fastest form of media that transmits news in no time.... Here, more than the speed, you should have talked about its coverage which does not know any geograghical barreer because internet can be accessed by almost everybody irrespective of where they do live.

Overall, a very good essay!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 writing. Who should be responsible for subjects taught in schools? [3]



.... stop here and then start a new sentence. Also, align this line better with the prompt bringing it to point of curriculum, which is the focus of your prompt.

In most countries the state has the authority of taking decisions on school curriculum.

Writing Feedback / [GRE Issue task] Sports stars & movie stars have obligation to behave as roll models [5]


Lovely start :)
The most prominent actors in this arena, namely the stars, are regarded as role models by most of the young generationyoungsters.


They love to follow their behaviors, styles and other activities.


Good introduction and good writing :)

Undergraduate / "The whole is greater than the sum of it"; 263 word -myself and diversity! [8]

Some help with your word count;


I could feel my heart beating dramatically beneath my neatly ironed shirt.


No, this is the truth; I'm more than average!



I'm courageous, enthusiastic and take pride in me as a Nepali


instead of staying away

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] consumption of fish and some different kinds of meat - GRAPH [5]

Hi,
Please open IELTS related writing in Writing Feedback forum.
Also, you can use the feature, "Attach file(s) " to upload your diagrams. It is always recommended to have them together with your writing because it helps others provide you with more relevant comments.

Overall, I find your writing is really good. It follows the desired structure for this task. However, without the graphs I cannot verify things what you've written in your response :(

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the monthly expenditure of an average Australian family in 1991 [3]

Where is the table? Use the "Attach file(s)" feature to upload the table. It is always good to upload your graphs to enable others to have a look at them and provide you with more relevant comments.

According to this structure -


.... your introduction (1)


... the overview (2) ... you can add one more line here.

Writing Feedback / [IETLS Task2] Celebrities gain more benefits from their jobs, popularity, and human network [4]


many advocate / one advocates

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; making teachers' social or political views known to students cannot be judged completely. [7]


Yes.... conclusion is a must for this task for you to earn a good score. Sorry, I missed it ... there are so many essays I need to go through as I was away from the forum for a short while. So, I do not have time to read the full essay, but give glances to capture the overall effect. Yes, write a candid conclusion. The essays I quoted in one of my previous comments, have good conclusions. Do not lengthen any part of the essay, be it the intro, body paras or conclusion, unnecessarily because you need to deal with time effectively. Make sure you have all essential features in the essay :)

However, you had my special attention amidst so many essays due to your keenness on improving ... lol

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: being a celebrity - Pros & Cons [5]


... I think this is not always true. May be many people can put into this group, but certainly not everybody. There are many people who prefer to have quieter lives. Be careful when you make such general statements.


.... this one sounds ok :)



.... here "you" do not refer to celebrity.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; making teachers' social or political views known to students cannot be judged completely. [7]

Okkkkk.... it seems now you follow the right structure. However, there are some parts I found that you need to improve on;


Here you do not come up with the reason very clearly :( As I understand, the real reason here is that teachers may have biased political views and if they are allowed to talk about them in the classrooms, the students would form opinions through such biases. Isn't it?

So give more prominence to the reason and then support it with the example;
To begin with, teachers may be biased with their views on social and political issues. When they are allowed to express their social and political views in classroom setups, such biases may influence students also to form wrong opinions without seeing the reality of the issue. For example, my social teacher is a strong supporter of opposition party in politics and therefore he always criticizes every action that the government takes whether it is meaningful or not to our nation. The students who believe what he says, tend to blame the government for every action it takes without any attempt to find out the basis for such action.

Writing Feedback / If you succeed your past events you'll be able to experience the present at easy [4]


Yes.... this is very important for others to provide you with more task relevant comments.


....not necessarily always.... so you need to present these ideas slightly differently;


When you learn something without understanding the basics, it does not produce excellent results. As such, past events form the basics for us to learn and avoid future mistakes and therefore learning history is important for us to have a better future.

Writing Feedback / knowledge consolidating; Teachers should assign homework for students every day [5]


... this sentence does not convey a clear idea.... do you mean that homework gets the student to polish his knowledge? In my view, homework helps student to be more responsible and committed towards schoolwork. Also, it helps him prepare for tests by making him a more organized person as Pahan suggests above.

Undergraduate / Our hardships havw made us a formidable family unit ; Questbridge Background Essay [3]


In many Asian cultures, family gets the first priority. Or,
In many Asian culture, family gets priority over everything else.


.... This tends to get the reader a bit confused, specially the word "doubled"
As a result, the number of our household became doubled within an year. These new additions, our frail grandparents, an uncle and his son who desperately needed my dad's support, made our three bedroom home overcrowded.

Writing Feedback / We look up people who have many unique qualities that make them our role models [3]


All of us have people whom we look up to and their unique qualities have made us accept them as our role models.


While it is true that we can learn a lot from their character and strengths that have helped them win life, the mistakes they made in life are also worthy to know.