Undergraduate / "From India to Pakistan" - HELP COMMON APP ESSAY [3]

I like the way you start with, "60 years ago..." it makes it really interesting. I think you should use the word Sixty instead of 60, though.

All your sentences are written well. Just meditate on a good theme, and wait for the sentences to come to mind.
:-)

Writing Feedback / What ways could technology be useful to old people? How to encourage them to use? [4]

At the end of the first paragraph you told us what you intend to do in the essay, but I still think you should add one more sentence to sum up the main message of the essay. Let that message appear at the end of that first paragraph so that the reader can really appreciate it throughout the essay.

Capitalize the proper noun, "Internet."

That the limited knowledge

Widespread is one word, not two.

Okay, so I think you should give the message of the essay at the end of that first paragraph and then explain it again in the last paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / MIT Short Essays: Cooking and Medicine [3]

In that second essay, I think it will be better if you use "physician" instead of doctor and also if you specify what kind of specialization your mother has in her medical practice. Invest a few words to show that you understand a little about her work.

Oftentimes, we find ourselves saying, that "The eyes are ...---- Get rid of "that", add a comma, and capitalize the T.

Great discussion of vision and hearing!

Oh, as I continue to read I see that it is your father, not your mother, that practices medicine...

She was unrecognizable. beyond belief.

all the more better. ---never never never write more better.
That last essay is great. You are being to much of a perfectionist. Go forth, and improve the world! We are lucky to have you.

Undergraduate / "I am the master of my fate + Communication technology" - Brown Supplements [5]

I want to increase efficiency:
My curiosity in people as well as my and desire to help others led me to an interest in the field of sociology.

I am naturally inclined to watching the relationships around me, and an education in sociology would help me transform this interest into a passion that is both vital and pragmatic. (Right here, add a short thesis statement that captures the essence of what you intend to do in the field of soc. )

Sociology is constantly evolving. Too obvious! Let's give a different topic sentence for this paragraph, one that supports the main idea of the essay.

From generation to generation, values constantly change, as do the reactions and decisions that such values influence. ---Actually, this works well as a topic sentence for the paragraph.

I don't like this phrase: heighten these gaps.

...to discover from the present as well. ---too vague. I want to know what you really intend to do in the next 5 or 10 years. :-)

great ending. Don't pay attention to my nitpicking; this is looking good already! But maybe my comments will give you some ideas.

Undergraduate / Any Topic - "Growing Up With Dumplings" [7]


Nice job!

I challenge you to move this sentence to the end of the first paragraph. That first para needs a thesis statement that will establish the theme of the essay. Move this sentence, and the reader will appreciate every step of the way as an explanation for this main idea.

Really, it is an excellent essay already. You have a great way of writing... and hey, culture is very different in different parts of the country. I wonder where you are planning to go to college. Check out California, Rhode Island, or Massachusetts, some of my favorite states.

Undergraduate / "the interconnectedness of the Core" What Appeals To Me About Columbia [4]


Yes, but you can write about your aspiration in many different ways. You can relate it to the world you come from in one essay and to the campus culture of Columbia in another essay. Each essay can have a unique theme based on the combination you choose. If you write about your engineering aspiration in relation to your current extracurricular activities, what theme would emerge? Maybe your theme would be "preoccupation" or "feeling misunderstood." That sort of thing makes an essay interesting and meaningful.

In this essay, the first part makes a brilliant contrast between the busy atmosphere of NY and the tranquility of the campus, and this is my favorite: as if someone up above wanted me to view Columbia in its entirety...

In the second part, when you start talking about the core you lose me. Only talk about how the core fits with this contrast you have just introduced. Narrow your focus, and stick with that great theme. Keep that theme, and the reader will have a memorable experience.

:-)

Undergraduate / "An Alternative Life of Pi" U.Va Supplement Essay 1 [3]


Great sentence here.

I want to change this:
I chose the story with the animals to believe.
I chose to believe the story with the animals.

You should add one more sentence at the end of this great little essay, and let it be a sentence that clearly gives your main message for the reader... the reason for writing the essay, the main idea. Give that necessary last sentence! :-)

You did well and showed real appreciation for the story.

Undergraduate / "The Twelfth Step"---Common App Main Essay [4]

I think you don't need to repeat "tea" here:
Pour boiling water slowly into the tea pot. Elaborate in ancient Chinese prose on history and legends of Oolong with a placid low voice. ---I removed a comma or two.

Facing I don't think facing is the right word. Maybe you mean "existing?" Existing outside time and space, she is rich and powerful.

... while natural force is irresistible, I couldn't understand why

You are a good writer: Interrupted by high aroma of third infusion, which provided the best taste of Tie Guan Yin, I began to divide tea and served by pitchers.

He sighed, and speak spoke in a deep

I am really very fortunate to have seen this essay today. It reminded me of that appreciation I can experience in stillness, pouring my attention over something simple. I am going to get some tea!

Undergraduate / "my mom and I had to move to Virginia" Evaluate a significant experience [5]


This sounds strange. In the middle of the night or during the day... I know what you mean... it should say: in the middle of the night when we have school the next day.


When I read this, it seems unnecessarily harsh. Those last 2 sentences of the first paragraph do not persuade me that your dad was any kind of failure, so if you want to talk about him as though he is a failure you should show what he did that was so bad. You said his was one of many businesses that failed, which indicates that difficult circumstances were faced by all, so I don't know why it is necessary to talk about supporting a family as something he was never able to do.

Undergraduate / "all the drama that is prerequisite to being a teenager" essay on self description [5]


I like the quirkiness, too, but if it is over the word limit this is what needs to be cut. Without these sentences, the reader will still appreciate everything just as much. These sentences are almost disrespectful, because they presume that the reader does not have an open mind. So... that is what I think you should cut! :-)


Great job, you are cool...

Let's use " " here:
My name means "rain" in my dialect, Telugu.
...sometimes I dream of food in black and white. --Ha ha, no matter what happens with this application process, your writing ability ensures that you have great achievements in your future, I think! :-)

Undergraduate / "figure skating mistakes" - Common app extracurricular essay [5]


This is too simple! Everyone knows this. You have a nice writing style, but I think you need to add another sentence to explain why that was meaningful to you. Encouraging someone to keep the chin up does not really seem very meaningful to me. Maybe you can give a sentence to explain why it was so meaningful to you. Dig deep, and tell why this sentence helped you change your outlook.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Confessions Of An Over Anxious Teenager" - Common App General Essay [4]


This is the first sentence of the essay. The sentences that come before this sentence are not helpful. This is a great first sentence, and I hope you don't take offense if I suggest that you omit the ones that precede it. :-)

Your paragraphs are very short. Some short paragraphs are okay, but I challenge you to add one sentence to each of those short paragraphs. Sometimes, it is good to add a topic sentence at the beginning to improve clarity, and other times it is good to add a conclusion sentence at the end to express the paragraph's idea more fully.

Remember: Each paragraph = one idea to support the essay's main idea

Undergraduate / "career in economics" - supplement, why Chicago? [6]


This is just name-dropping. If you mention the book, you have to have a reason for mentioning it. What is the significance of that book in the context of your aspiration that drives you to apply to this school?

When I think of Friedman, I think of his 1970 article that has been used by many unethical businesspeople to justify shirking social responsibility. You can google this for something interesting:

Rethinking the Social Responsibility of Business - Reason Magazine

great men and their influence---I think it's a mistake to let the essay reveal a chauvinistic way of thinking. Chauvinistic language is not good!

Graduate / my clinical experience - speech language pathologist personal statement [3]

I don't like the first sentence, I do like the second, and I don't like the third. The first sentence is too complicated, and it is very confusing. The second is awesome. The third is very abstract, not in a good way. Vague.

I think you should simplify the first sentence of the essay and the MOVE it to the end of the first paragraph.

I first became interested in speech-language pathology when I was in high school.---This paragraph topic sentence should contain one more meaningful detail, because as it is, it's too simple to be interesting. Get's the para off to a slow start.

Same here:
This past semester I had my first clinical experience.---Add another dimension to this paragraph topic sentence, and you will be adding fullness and interest to the paragraph.

I like everything else!! It is impressive, so don't mind my criticism! :-)

Undergraduate / Picture of becoming a doctor+a girl from a conservative society - Wisconsin Statement [6]

Three of which were not even close...---If you say "three of which," it has to be as a continuation of the previous sentence. It is better, in this case, to do this:

That was when my class teacher courteously put in my report card three best ambition she could think of-clerk, policemen and teacher. These three ambitions...

This is great, but I will make a little change:
Who's talking about killing only one bird at a time?

Ha ha, I like that intro for the second one. I think you should word it differently:
I often hear "don't-because-you-are-a-girl."


Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you have not been allowed to play guitar! If you are able to get a guitar, you can easily learn one shord at a time by looking online. Do you have a guitar currently? I hope so...

tolerant towards other's others' comments on myself. --The apostrophe must go after the s because "others" is plural.

:-) I'm giving you one week to learn at least 2 chords on the guitar!!

Undergraduate / "Snapshots; my growth as a person through DECA" for Common App Essay? [3]

It can be really confusing when moving back and forth through time. It is possible to do the snapshots in a way that follows a chronological order?

Look at the whole essay, consider what kind of experience you are trying to give the reader, and then put the paragraphs in the order that seems most effective for achieving your purpose.

It'll probably be good to have someone read it and tell you at which point she first feels confused.

:-)

Undergraduate / liberal arts + Southeast Asian and International History - Brown application essays [3]

...has provided me with an environment that encourages encouraged ...
Oh, wait a minute. I don't know if it makes sense to say "encouraged" the "importance"
...emphasized the importance of joy when pursuing our passion and achieving our goals, enjoyment of the learning process.

Princeton review has also ranked Brown 1st in the country in 2007, 2010 and 2010 for having the "happiest students". This is where I start to agree with smarty. The reader knows these statistics. It is better to refer to them in passing while you make a point about the way Brown can empower someone with your unique intentions.

Brown appeals to me mainly because of its ability to provide the opportunity to venture beyond the campus and a campus life that proves to be lively and joyful. This does not really mean anything. You did not successfully convey an idea about Brown cultivating a joyful experience of learning. Maybe an example of how joy is cultivated on campus would help.

I'm also fascinated by how leaders of countries talk to each other; for example, I was fascinated when...

:-)

Undergraduate / "computer science, music and movies" - JHU-activity [5]

This is an era of specialization. The reader will know how committed you are to your endeavor if a few of the extracurricular activities you have in mind are related to comp sci. Strategically, I would want to make it so that this essay includes several activities related to comp sci, because that will show the reader that you are very passionate and single-minded about achieving your goal. I know this is supposed to be about other activities, but if you can include some more that are RELATED to comp sci it will be even more impressive!

(Beatboxing is something the reader might not be familiar with or able to appreciate.) However, the fact that you have an idea to start a club is impressive!! I wonder, though, if there is any kind of beatboxing that is not "human beatboxing." Do other animals beatbox?

:-)

Undergraduate / My own place, Small detail in the world, New Curriculum - NotreDame Supplement [3]

I like brevity:
It is seven a.m., and I am in a shower room.

The shower room offers me a great efficiency--I don't know what you mean by efficiency here, but maybe a word or two of explanation would help. In general, I love this first essay... good stuff. You write well!!

sure the size of the thumbs are in "golden ratio" against the (index finger?).

All three of these responses are briliant, and unless your AO reader is a real door knob, she or he will appreciate you as much as I do!

I see many courses at the department of music, ranging from performance to theory.---This paragraph topic sentence is uneventful and maybe not very interesting.

:-)

Undergraduate / College Application Essay on Art Movement [4]

Heretofore? Wow, I guess I am prejudiced against certain words...
In the first paragraph, you explained the themes that influenced you, and then in the second paragraph you begin by saying your work "has been inclusive of such, aforementioned, themes." So.. that is redundant.

Unnecessarily wordy and complex:
The atmosphere of Dada, if framed by a composition, one may interpret...
And I am confused when I get to "are dead"---> The atmosphere of Dada, if framed by a composition, one may interpret, corresponds to that of perhaps a similar absurdism seen in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. are dead...?

...thereby better well communicating an idea.

You have complex subject matter, so it is very important to simplify the language as much as possible. It is hard to keep language simple enough to be powerful when dealing with complex subjects, so you cannot afford to do anything that is unnecessarily complicated. For example, maybe you should get rid of this unnecessary phrase:

above all other movements, influenced and therefore is relevant to, my work for: its...

And here:
its proponents, as well as do I, r ecognize
its proponents and I recognize...

When writing about art, the writing is complex for the same reason art is necessary in the first place. Some ideas cannot be easily conveyed via language. Complexity is an undesirable problem that comes with this kind of writing, so do not make the writing more complex than it already needs to be!

:-)

Undergraduate / "a place with one strong major option or one with numerous" - WHY I PICKED UNCW [2]

Capitalize that N.
north North Carolina at Wilmington, graduated, and ...

went on to become an amazing mother to myself me and my two sisters. Sh e works as a ...

A college experience will shape you for the rest of your life. No statements of the obvious!

The excitement and the lessons learned are what I want for my college experience at Wilmington.
As a degree becomes more important... as a whole are missing out. ---all this stuff is generic. It is stuff any student could write.

I am choosing UNCW because, for me, it has the whole package. UNCW has everything from athletics to an intense study abroad program.---This is getting a little better, but I still want to cut it because the same could be said about any school with sports and study abroad.

Wilmington will help me grow as .... the change s not a drastic one for me to make. not helpful

As a little kid, my mom would take us to Wilmington for weekend trips. My favorite...watch all the students and long to join the inside club of "college kids." UNCW has always been my first choice. This part is getting a lot better, because it shows how Wilmington became a part of your future as you envision it. Now I want you to show that you are familiar with the work of the professors in the department that interests you most (i.e. articles they have written, their current research, etc.)

:-) I'm sorry to criticize so much of it! Do not include any unhelpful sentences. Show that you are a person on a mission toward a clearly established goal!

Undergraduate / My Travel Journal in Spain, and Take a Book to Paris - An Important book [2]

US U.S.

...accommodate as more many opinions as possible so that we can stand in prox imity to truth, the only...

I think this essay should apply all these insights to a particular subject that interests you and motivates you. In the intro to the essay you can introduce a particular topic of interest, and then later in the essay you can specify, like here:

... books about XXXXXX with contrasting ideologies, to surf various "weird" online forums and social groups. I also try to figure out the causes of such differences.

I think you should have a topic that is of great interest you you, and add a sentence about it at the end of that first paragraph... let Da Lin's books give you insight, not only general insight, but specifically about the topic that is central to your aspirations.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a worker, a scholar, and a person in general" - "Vires, Artes, Mores" [2]


That means it was not written with the energy of inspiration, and no amount of editing can help. But let me look at it and judge for myself... :-)

...end, I'll always finish with content for what I wrote, or else I wouldn't turn it in.---You have 2 different verb tenses here, and I con't understand how you are using "content." Satisfied, or stuff contained in the essay...

Simple obstacles should not be difficult for people to overcome, but unfortunately they are. ----Too obvious

More often in this age people are less willing to go the extra mile ----unfair generalization

I see your great talent for writing here, but it does lack inspiration. The essay has to begin with an idea worth writing about. It is tough, because they kill inspiration by making you jump through hoops and write about their concepts instead of your own.

I appreciate the McDonalds example, but I think most readers would have trouble appreciating it.

This should be written again with a focus on your academic and professional aspiration. Paint a clear picture for the reader, and let her know your vires comes from dedication to achieving your aspiration. You write very well!! And your great writing ability is what enabled you to be aware that this lacked inspiration.

Undergraduate / "I dream to be a professional programmer" - Statement - reasons for applying to HKU [5]

The whole first paragraph should be cut out of the essay. It does not really say anything!
BUT, as I look at the second paragraph I think it is very good!! I think you should cut the first paragraph and let the second paragraph become the first.

In Malaysia, it is common for us to percept assume that all ...

I dream to be a professional programmer, one who has a decent knowledge of all programming language and am able to design a program which can benefit all the humankind, just like Mark Zuckerberg, the founder of the Facebook Social Network. I think you should replace this sentence with a sentence that tells about a creative idea you have for making innovations to improve people's lives. Do not just refer to Zuckerberg, because that is too random.

I also understand that for every victory, there are I have to invest a lot of ha rd work and patience; these qualities are

Being a member of the university, I will definitely participate in all events to enrich my extracurricular life _______, ______, and _________ (list some activities). Hong Kong University is no doubt one of the best universities in the world; however I am quite confident to become one of the best elites with my excellent performance and high learning abilities in both my study and extracurricular activities. (This sentence does not really have meaning. End the essay with some discussion of the ways you can use resources at Hong Kong U. to achieve your SHORT TERM GOALS.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the impact of neurological disorders; biology" - Cornell CAS Prompt [3]

I'm impressed! I have no complaints until I get to this sentence:
My hunger for knowledge about the human brain can only be satiated by receiving an education from an institution of higher education such as Cornell. -------- meaningless! Don't waste a lot of words to say something simple. That is just "fluff."

I can implement the knowledge gathered from such classes to aid me in my aspirations of becoming a pediatric neurosurgeon. This is too general. If you mention those two classes, you can mention the texts books as well, or some other thing to show that you are already proactively building your knowledge of the work of the professors and text book authors, as well as other scholars specializing in areas that interest you.

With my passion and Cornell's education, I desire to become a being that will one day be able to contribute much to society. This uses many words to say something simple. I challenge you to come up with a sentence that expresses your unique calling, your unique way of contributing to society. What do you intend to do? :-)

Undergraduate / How to Smile - Evaluate a significant experience CommonApp [4]

This is great writing. That swearing should be taken out, but only at the last minute. Keep it for a feeling of authenticity while you work, but censor it at the end. Readers feel like pushing the limits of what is acceptable in an essay like this is a superficial way to be interesting. Most won't appreciate it, I'm afraid.

But I know why you like that gritty authenticity. It is the writing, not the reading, that is enhanced by it. So, you were able to write this in a way that really has that energy of inspiration.

I think you should cut out all that you can. It is powerful already, and now the way to crank up the intensity is to look for text that does not contribute to the experience you are giving the reader. For example, this is a high quality sentence, but I think you should kill it because it detracts from the reader's experience:

Ten minutes each day we were granted conditional and monitored phone usage. Jan collected cell phones at admission. Computers and iPods - the great withdrawal devices - were unthought of. I don't think it really serves a purpose.

Identify that sentence that captures the soul of the essay. Get in touch with the main message of the essay, and then revise to omit all sentences that do not support that main message.

:-)

Undergraduate / "20% represents a life-goal that I'm striving for - commonapp (international student) [3]

This is very impressive! Here is a little correction:
who were as smart as or much smarter more so than I was.

... rarely making it to first rank again.

... is never about a number. Success is about the person. himself . In fact, it takes a great deal of courage, determination, and self-sacrifice to become ...---I revised this so that it would be clearer and not try to say too much all at once.

... in a way that I will be able will enable me to confront ...

You did a great job with this! I think you should write a sentence that captures the main idea of the essay and put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. :-)

Undergraduate / "A Lover of Experiment" - Cornell CALS Supplement, biology, high school experience [4]

Use a hyphen for year-old:
...this eight 8 year-old boy.

I'm not a swimmer who likes jumping into rivers, nor a bloody hunter who loves catching tadpoles. Instead I am an a definite, hands-on "researcher" since I was feeling enthusiastic about the experiment.

I am appealed impressed by the abundant opportunities ...
(The way to use "appeal" is different. For example, hands-on research appeals to me...)

...have already got tons of question on about these amazing techniques and I cannot wait to create bio-sensors and bio-fuels by with my hands.

This is a very strong essay. I think it will impress any reader. You obviously have well-developed academic interests.
:-)

Undergraduate / VCU Personal Satement - Mister Cellophane [3]

I think you need the word "as" here:
Even as a high school sophomore, as a sophomore at my previous I could be seen in the theater after rehearsals taking notes.---I simplified this a little.

Call me the connoisseur of creative juices. ---wow! I guess so!
Maybe at VCU, people will know I am there.---This is so poignant and unforgettable. I think it is going to be a successful essay!

What do you mean by "theoretical" slap in the face? You may be using the word in a way that makes sense with the metaphor, but... really, it is unnecessary to include the word theoretical. Just say, "slap in the face."

:-)

Undergraduate / "Ringing in a Career in Management and Technology"-Penn supplement [2]

Here is an idea to improve the sentence structure:
Six other interns at [withdrawn] and I were invited to...

I remember facing a challenging customer once. I think you should replace this sentence with one that carries a little more meaning. For example:
I once faced a challenging customer whose attitude caused me to gain an insight about XXXXXXXX. ---This will make it possible to make the sentence about the main idea of the paragraph so that it can be a good "paragraph topic sentence."

Here is another example of a paragraph topic sentence that does not carry much meaning:
I recognize the importance of learning the fundamentals of both business and engineering.

I think it will be better if you write:
With knowledge about the fundamentals of both business and engineering, I can XXXXXXXXX.

:-)

Undergraduate / My father is a man who will relentlessly provide for his children. [2]

I'll remove a comma and one word below:
...with words, but through his actions he was able to influence me in many different ways.

This sentence above is at the end of the first paragraph, so it is an important sentence. Yet, it does not carry much meaning! All it says is that he influenced you in many different ways. I think the first paragraph should end with a sentence that expresses the idea that you want the reader to remember. It should be an interesting, memorable concept/theme for the essay.

This essay is very high quality writing. I think everyone who reads it will benefit from the insight you share. The most important part to work on is the end of that first paragraph. I love the second para so much that I almost want to suggest eliminating the first paragraph altogether to put the focus on that very strong second paragraph by making it become the first paragraph.

How do you feel about eliminating the first paragraph of this essay, or maybe moving it? I would like it if the second paragraph was the first paragraph. :-)

Writing Feedback / Privacy of celebrities - the inevitable price of a public figure? [5]

Ha ha, sorry! I was trying to type, "You have some..." and I accidentally typed, "to."

Undergraduate / Seeking to major in Marketing - "Why CMU and the major?" [2]

I remember driving in the car with my parents and my aunt a few years ago, as a little kid. That was when my aunt asked me, I think you should omit this part and just begin with the dialogue.

"Hey Rachit, what do you want to be when you grow up?" And I answered, "Masi (Hindi word for aunt), I want to be a shopkeeper!" Keeping in mind that I said this in India, a country full of petty shopkeepers and roadside vendors, my parents and my aunt burst out laughing. ------Look at all the parts I crossed out! You do not need to mention your aunt, and the Hindi word for aunt, etc. You need to focus on the main idea you are conveying.

I love this sentence:
The little me was perplexed and wondering why he was being laughed at. ---Notice the words I removed. I love to remove words from essays, because it often improves the essay. :-)

Here is another suggestion:
... I have a hobby: I collect marketing materials.

...across this statement: "Don't be afraid to ...---I capitalized the D.

This essay is awesome.

Undergraduate / How AUBG education will broaden your global perspective and cultivate your capacity [4]

Thus, my goal is a career in Computer Science and Informational Technologies and academic, as well as practical researches wherein I could advance analytical approaches to current trends in these areas all over the globe.---This is a very complicated sentence, but all it really says is that you want to get involved with IT. That is all it says! for all those big words, the message is simple. That means the sentence is inefficient.

I think the above sentence is like a THESIS STATEMENT, because it expresses your main idea. Revise it to let it reflect the special outlook you have, the ideas that interest you. That is what the reader wants to know.. she wants to know what you are all about. In this essay, and especially in the thesis statement, try to express your unique outlook on the field of comp sci and IT... your unique aspirations.

My research interests are successful implementing of informational security services in the conditions of fast-growing informational integrity and possible risks of external threats.---This is very important and interesting. I bet you already are very knowledgeable in this area.

An undergraduate study in Computer Science and Informational Technologies will provide me with theoretical understanding, an in-depth idea of practical approaches in various fields of computer science and research skills will enable me to develop an expertise in the core areas of computer science. here is another inefficient sentence... another sentence that uses a lot of words to say something simple. Sentences like this are not good.

... my social responsibility as of computer science professional.----if you introduce the idea of social responsibility, you should give it a whole paragraph. But only talk about it in a way that fits with the main idea you are trying to give the reader.

To be honest, I think the essay is already brilliant (though unnecessarily complex), because it definitely gives me the impression that you are an analytical thinker with great enthusiasm and potential!

Undergraduate / *Very Selective* Jerome Fisher Program In Management & Technology- UPenn [3]

That is an impressive intro! I almost want to suggest adding another sentence to the end so that the paragraph would have a greater percentage of its ofcus directed toward that main idea.

Yes, actually, that is what I want to suggest! Add another sentence about the main idea before ending that first paragraph. :-) It is about a few different things, so that main idea needs to be reinforced.

How strange that you chose the word metastasizing! Weird.. :-) I like weird things, but most people don't like weird things...

I think the conclusion should be longer, too! It is your opportunity to expound that main idea, the concept that is important enough to write about.

Essays / Comparative Essay on MLK's letter and Thoreau's Civil Disobidience - feedback [2]

evaluate the effectiveness----This is interesting already... how can one evaluate effectiveness? First, you need to know the purpose each writer is trying to achieve.

Just write "King" instead of repeating the first name a lot... be consistent, and type King each time.

After you wrote that King's was more effective, you substantiated the claim by referring to the tone, logical appeal, organization, and practicality. However, I would counter that Thoreau's essay is more widely read and therefore is more effective. Nevertheless, your argument is just as valid as the one I would make.

So this intro seems pretty strong, though I don't really feel so good about trying to compare two profound works of writing and assess one as simply "more effective" than the other. But if the teacher wants this to be about which is "more effective," that is what you have to do, I guess!

:-)

Undergraduate / "my interests in Biomedical Engineering" - Pennsylvania Supplement: Paths at Upenn [7]


I agree. If you are more specific, the reader sees that you are really putting a lot of thought into this process, your education. This is too general:

What I hope to accomplish at the University of Pennsylvania is to pursue my interests in Biomedical Engineering.
A better sentence would be like this:
What I hope to accomplish by learning Biomedical Engineering at the University of Pennsylvania is ____________________. Do you see how that would make the message of the essay twice as meaningful? You give the necessary info, but you also share a glimpse of your specific action plan.

This part is impressive: tissue engineering, prosthetics, or cancer/viral detection methods.---- to complete it, you should mention some articles that Penn professors have written about these topics. Cite their work.

I hope they accept you!! You are obviously a good student.

Undergraduate / "my art will hang in every major art museum in the world"- something to know about me [3]

Capitalize that dialogue:
They ask, "W hat's so good about having your art on a wall?" For a long time ...

...question skeptics ask me, "What's so good about having you art on a wall?" Now I understand. Now I know why. Because it means I made it, I finally made it. I crossed out the ending, because I thought it was melodramatic! :-) But the essay is very meaningful and enjoyable to read. Art really is the most important thing. Also, it is important for preserving culture and recording history... art often capture feelings associated with current events.

Undergraduate / "born in Bangladesh" - Cornell Supplement Essay for ILR [2]

Because I was born in Bangladesh, labor reform and improvement is are not just economic and academic interests to me, but also matters of p ersonal passion.

...reached fruition once I learned about the sweatshop factories from whic h the beggars sitting on the side of the street had been laid off.

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
My goals are intrinsically attuned to the study of labor, and ...

Whether it means heading a Worker's Union Organization, working in the Employment Division of a large-scale corporation, or becoming a public service lawyer, I aim to find justice for all underprivileged and disadvantaged people in the world. ---This is a very good sentence. Keep this sentence in the essay, but look for other sentences that express the same idea. Get rid of other sentences that express this idea.

Throughout the essay, I think you can find some sentences that repeat ideas you have already explained. You can probably get it down to 500 words! :-) I think this is an inspirational essay that will make a good impression, though!

Undergraduate / Approaching the "Common Good", Connection, Intelect - Bowdoin 2010 Supplement [5]

The only way to know if you are writing about the common good in a way that is consistent with what the have in mind is to look at what THEY write about it. What does the website for the school say about this ideal they call "common good."

When I look at that, I think of utilitarian ethics: striving to achieve the greatest good for the greatest number of people.

The essential realization is that such a standard is self-determined. Devotion to the common good is the dissolution of dominating self-absorption, yielding to the greater needs of the world at large. --This is a beautifully written sentence! I think it should be followed by a very short, simple sentence that ends the first paragraph in a refreshingly clear and easy-to-understand way. So, try adding a brief sentence to the end of that first paragraph.

I think your answer is great, though!