Undergraduate / "How do you express your inner world" - Love for Music [4]


That is a great approach! It really helps the essayist to know how the content affects an objective reader.

The first sentence of this essay seems wrong, because "command" is not quite the right word. Commands do not end with question marks.

This sentence is funny and clever: Of course that would only encourage me to ...

Make the verb tense consistent: noticed that my mother honestly does did...

You have a nice way of writing! I want to suggest using some punchy brevity, though. Brevity is great when you can achieve it. Whenever you have a simple-to-understand idea to express, be sure you express it succinctly:

Being blessed to have such a gift, I intend to continue to pursue developing this talent develop it.

I have found that my musical talent is so strong that I can replay entire songs from memory. (end the paragraph here).

Let this sentence begin the next paragraph:
My addiction to music does not end there. f it can be believed My love of music It has expanded to include...

:-)

Undergraduate / "An old piano as inspiration to join the Peace Corps" be tough with m! [3]

This is a place to use hyphens:
out-of-tune

I guess you can use a better adverb here than "easily"----> The education I so easily undermine is....you could use casually, quickly, readily, etc....

Here is another weak word you can replace if you want to .... "thing" For essay reviewers to suggest replacing this word is a pretty common thing, because it is such a nonspecific word...

:-)
Most of the core expectations for Peace Corps volunteers are things ideals for which I have enthusiasm ...

Well, anyway, I think they are going to like this! Great job. I like Subhash's idea, though... add some mention of the piano to at least one of the body paragraphs so that it is not abruptly reintroduced at the end.

Writing Feedback / "About the experience of shopping for a new car" - Reasons to buy a Toyota Corolla [4]


I don't think this opening sentence is as effective as it could be. You could give an opening sentence that expresses an intriguing idea about the Corolla. It would be great to begin with an interesting idea that would appeal to the curiosity of any reader.

The rest of the essay is correctly written! I see no mistakes, and it has great structure because every paragraph is about a different topic, with each topic expressed in a topic sentence at the start of the paragraph.

This is a great testimonial for the Corolla! Are you sure you are not the CEO of Toyota pretending to be a student-essayist!? :-)
(just kidding)

Undergraduate / "my personal quality is..." ("it was his phone, confused individual) [4]

I want to relief from the strain of retrieve from holding up the heavy chair: I would rather complain to the English teacher about how her ways are wrong. However, I know that I must endure this pain for a better deed.

... but I became acquainted with him.

...once he admits admitted that his phone rang, the teacher would kick him out again and mark him absent.

... furious about of our conspiracy and strongly chastised the whole class.

I look forward to embracing and guiding ...
Likely, I look forward to embracing and guiding a confused individual with the quality I gained from my own experience in the college community.

:-)

Book Reports / Narrowing thesis enough, Help writing essay on Hamlet. [5]


Well, write about one scene that shows what you mean. Use it as an example to help explain your idea. If you do that, you can use this as your first body paragraph.

I think you can find a second scene that demonstrates what you mean. If you find a second scene, write 4 or 5 sentences about it, and that can be the next body paragraph.

After that, you can go back and write the introduction.

:-) I look forward to seeing it!

Writing Feedback / governments should spent more money for health education than research-feedback [4]

Hi Sobin,
I see that Adelyne did a great job of correcting the errors.
I will enjoy correcting your next draft. If you have time, you can type the essay again and use the corrections. Then, I can correct any other errors you may still have.

Thanks, Adelyne, great job!

The researchers innovate techniques of prevention so that both research and health education are preventive measures, and as such t hey are related.

:-)

Undergraduate / "two raccoons" - Common App Essay about Nature - Experience that impacted me [3]

This is a great piece of writing, and I think the location you describe must be very cool!

Here, various is a good word:
I learned to identify the different various species, and now I

...and I see no reason not to explore them all.---You really did an excellent job of describing the appreciation for all types of learning. I would suggest writing about something specific instead of about nothing in particular, but you wrote it in such a nice way that I think it is quite impressive! Still, I hope we can establish a main theme for the whole essay, a theme that will be memorable for the reader.

I think you have a uniquely entrancing writing style, but it will be better if you write about a particular interest associated with your ACTION PLAN for college. Even though you love all subjects, what is particularly important for your career plan?

:-)

Scholarship / "changing interior" - one beneficial change at your school [4]

Here, you can learn 2 new things:

1.) The term is "old fashioned" with ed at the end.

2.) Nowadays more and more schools are build and ... In this case, use "built"
Nowadays more and more schools are built, and ...

I build the school.
We build the school.
The school is built by us.
The school was built by us.
The school wil be built by us.

:-)

Essays / "How to Eat a Poem" by E. Merriam - "Unfolding Bud" by N. Koriyama - essay on 2 poems [2]


It sounds like you noticed a similarity between them. Write a sentence about it, and then add a sentence to explain what you mean. Then add a sentence with an example. That will make a whole paragraph, and you can let it be paragraph two... Know what I mean? Whatever you are referring to with this sentence..."their poets compares the poem with something else"... explain it in a paragraph, and let it be paragraph 2.

When you have mustered a paragraph, the next one will be easier.

What is the main idea of the first poem? What is the main idea of the second poem? If you identify the main idea of each, can you see any similarity between them? If not, can you see a difference between them?

If it is hard to determine the main idea of each poem, google the name of the poem with the word "analysis" and you will find some great discussions of each poem.

:-)

Essays / Ideas for comparison- contrast essay [13]

Well, the ideas suggested by nhl 2010 should be rephrases to fit with a compare and contrast essay. For example, you could say:
Explain the similarities and differences between conservative and liberal social philosophy in America.

To compare and contrast, it is good to write a whole paragraph about one thing, a whole paragraph about another thing, and then a whole paragraph about both.

Try that, and post it so we can help!

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Countries of residence of overseas students in Australia" graph for ielts [6]

The chart shows the trend of the number of foreign students in Australia between 1982 and 2000.

We can see that overall trend of the countries in two decades involved a steady increase of students studying in Australia

It is interesting to see that the number of overseas students in Malaysia was around 10.000 of people in the first decade.

In the last decade the number of students of from this country was more higher than ...

The number of students...

...s quickly rose in 1990, but in the overall the amount of people was the lowest compared to all other countries.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Why should we learn how to operate a computer? [5]


Nice! I like this term...

Capitalize Internet.

You gave good topic sentences for the paragraphs! So.. that shows good "structure" in the essay. However, the purpose of good structure is to support a strong expression of ideas, and the CONCLUSION paragraph is a very important part of that expression.

After you have supported your main idea well in the body paragraphs, sermonize a little in the conclusion! Don't let the conclusion be so brief.

:-)

Essays / Business English Essay: strong written communication skills equal to verbal skills? [3]


I don't think it is okay to write seemingly plainness. I think you should write "seemingly plain nature of..."

Well, this is not about whether or not the writing is plain. Business writing serves a purpose that is altogether different from fiction. Your job is to philosophize a bit to yourself and decide on an answer to this specific question. Is it more important, less important, or of equal importance. For this, you need to determine what is most useful and crucial in the business setting... what purposes does writing serve in business?

As for an additional info page, I don't know what you mean!:-) Can you explain?

Writing Feedback / It's good that government taxes the flights, especially in the period of holiday [5]

You can also write "heavier"

I agree with the statement that government should be try to reduce air traffic with heavier taxes.

The reason is noise and pollution that airplanes produced and consequently the demands of airport construction.

Thinking of people who live near the airports, I know they live in the noise all the time!

Good sentence: I think it is terrible to tolerate!

Moreover, there are is a lot of pollution near them.

...and for the overseas countries it is sole means of travel.-----"means" is a word that can be singular even though it has an s on the end. :-)

Undergraduate / "the meaning of being an illegal immigrant" - my UC personal statement [3]

My mom had come here two ...

...a chance at opportunities better than the ones they had. better future than they did.

Since we were still waiting for our immigration case to be processed, they have had to accept any job they can could get because they haven't hadn't gotten the papers yet.

It's truly amazing how they put themselves aside, and took whatever jobs wer e available.---Yes, it is!!

I was never open with my ideas, though -- never shared my secret with anyone. though .

I can take control of my own path if I really wanted want to, and I will.

...and it'll be one that I want to go to.---I think you can improve this ending!! But the essay is great. I hope you and your family find a lot of success!

Undergraduate / "My parents' tendencies and choices" (world you come from) + Perfectionist quality [4]

He now wishes he could have pursued the degree in Film Studies ----Tell your father he is able to create films easily, now, because computers make it easy to do... he can make a great documentary, or he can write a script. College is good, but it is not necessary for artistic expression.

My parents' mistakes have lead led them to push me to

I will be able to decide my level of success in life.---I like the way you ended this first essay!

...to reach small, personal goals, like getting to a certain best time and slightly improving my stamina. ---I understand what you are saying, but I think this example is too simple. Improving one's time is what all cross country runners do.

Actually, it seems like this second essay is about all kinds of topics. You should choose one experience to focus on... just think of it this way: What experience could I write about in a way that shows how strongly I feel about the kind of difference I would like to make in my chosen field?

Additionally, when I do something less than perfectly, I will strive to either restart ---don't strive to restart. You either do or you don't...

I will either restart and fix my mistakes or try hard to make the next thing just right.

I think precision is a better word than preciseness. Another way to express it is "diligence" or "attention to detail." But I think it is important for you to choose one experience and make it the focus of the essay.... describe it, and then spend time reflecting on how it affects the "person you are," which is related to you major you will choose and the profession you will enter.

:-)

Undergraduate / "intended major is Psychology" - UC transfer personal statement [3]


I think if you start with a statement like this it should also specify the special interests you have within the field. You might specify a preference for cognitive and existential therapy, for example.

For me, Psychology is a very fascinating field where I get to know about the human mind, and how the brain functions----not just for you, this is whay psych is for everyone. I think this statement of the obvious should not be included.

a therapy section (session?)

My favorite part during the section---I think you should google the word "section" to see if it means what you think it means.

Situations can happen unexpected unexpectedly, and sometimes it was is difficult to deal with emotional stress. However, it did does not mean things will be impossible to do.

I think you should cite some books you have read about various kinds of psych... Read books by Maslow, Ellis, Frankl, Freud, and so forth. That way, you can mention them and use them to describe your intellectual interests.

:-)

Essays / An example of an epiphany [5]

Three years ago, I was young and loved to enjoy the company of my friends who were born in Mexico and spoke the same...

...some of my tests ...

sometimes I tried to hide them because I didn't get the best score ...

When I was in high school in Mexico I thought, What will become of my life when I graduate from high school?"

... I decided that after graduating from high school I had to go to college to ...

When I had everything planned my parents surprised me one day when they told by telling me, "We have ready prepared our documents to go to the United States!"

For a short moment, I thought it was a good idea because I will would have the opportunity to learn English and succeed in my life, but in at the same time I thought it was a worse the worst thing ever, because I was traveling to some country that I did not know. Ho wever I was happy. When the day arrives arrived I never

Oftentimes , I looked back

:-)

Undergraduate / "never a struggle", a UC Essay [5]


You have some sloppy lack of capitalization here... and the sentence about languishing is hard to understand... I think it needs to say:
I never languished with the kind of "suffering" most people envision when they think of the word.


He is not a normal rich white dude... he is an introspective rich white dude. It is cool to recognize how one's good fortune has kept him in the dark. That is what happened to Prince Siddhartha, and the result was pretty influential!


Not exactly true... perhaps never been on the actual battlefield... but a lot is happening right now, so who knows what might happen!

Anyway, it is good to recognize the fact that you have not struggled. Take away some of the less interesting examples, and make room for more discussion of what you're describing at the end of the essay!

Also, a good concept to include might be this: A rich white kid has no excuse to not struggle and suffer. If you are not struggling and suffering, you are not doing much to contribute to the alleviation of others' suffering. You can share as much of others' burdens as you are willing to bear, and maybe that will influence your career decisions.

:-)

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Essay - Econ Major, and Event that Shaped my life. [3]

If you say "Few" it means "not many"
But if you say "A few" it means "Some."
There is a big difference in meaning.
A few events in my life have changed me and made me a better person, and my dads quest for a better life are is among the most significant of those events.

It is important to use separage paragraphs for each idea you want to express:
From then onwards everyday my dad would drive two hours and spend ten hours working for a year until that small business was running successfully without problems.

(new paragraph)
Before all this happened I was had been in senior high school and I didn't try not trying at all. I did the bare minimum necessary to get by and was more...

This event not only made me a better person, but also set me up for a life full of success and education.

In high school I already decided that I would be following in my father's footsteps by pursuing a ...

When you add an "extra" word to a sentence, separate it with commas:
My Macro professor, Mr.Tontz, increased my appetite...

professors

You explained your interests very well in this second essay, but you could go a little further to discuss


Most importantly, use paragraphs!
one paragraph = one idea, and the idea is expressed clearly in the first sentence of the paragraph.

Undergraduate / "ephemeral" - Favorite word essay -UVA 250 words [8]


At the end of this first sentence, I am wondering what word you are talking about. Love or always.
Maybe the word always should not be included in the sentence, because that way it would be clear right away that you were talking about the word love.

Oh... nevermind, I see that always was the operative word. Maybe you should do this:
Do not tell me that you will love me "always," because such word does not exist.

Yet, it is not quite right to say the word does not exist. You can say, "such a word does not signify anything real."

As I continue to read... this is powerful writing! Here is some grammar stuff:
Because for ten years after that you abandoned Father and me I to go to America, I have learned that sorrow is also momentary.

Great use of brevity here: We were homeless. We were hungry and thirsty.

However, the darkness had fled away. We have...

:-) Thanks for posting this!

Undergraduate / "America's grip on my shoulders" - my indoctrination of American culture, patriotism [9]

Her symbolic I don't think symbolic is the right word here... "symbolic" means they happen as symbols to signify something else...

Okay... this is excellent expository writing, and it flows along with a soothing rhythm. I also think that if you were able to write 20 pages this would amount to something that could really affect a reader deeply. But in a limited amount of space I don't think you can connect all these ideas together.

For example, look at the first sentence of every paragraph. They all seem like intro sentences for different essays. I know you are tying them all together later, but as the reader reads it is confusing.

Your problem is that you are a good writer, and good writers try to convey too much of what they are thinking... no, wait, that is not a trait of a good writer, but of a profound thinker. Profound thinkers try to convey too much... you should look at the number of paragraphs you are going to write and decide what might be a realistic amount of insight to convey. And try rewriting the first sentence of each paragraph so that they have some common thread... some word used in each for example, or so that they all refer to the same concept, which links all your paragraphs together.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Gurvinder Kaur Uppal living in a white community" -UC app, world you came from [7]


Great writing here... I was very impressed by this sentence.


Ha ha, well I like this a lot, but it does seem a little unfair to all the Caucasian tuna of the mainstream! I mean... maybe it seems a little bit like you have resentment. I guess it just seems that way because you called them tuna! :-)

Well, this is excellent. If I were writing this, I would tentatively choose a field to enter -- business, law, or whatever -- and instead of writing this.... in the courthouse or the business industry or whatever profession I decide to enter, you can confidently use one example. That decisiveness will reflect positively on you.

:-)

Undergraduate / My Town, Rural Urbia and Can there be anything good about Pad Stank? UC prompts [4]

Our streets have trees laden with moss, and it has no street lights or sidewalks, which makes it especially spooky.---I added some commas and made a small change...

Right here at the end, it seems too preachy: It's contagious. ou'll see. I like it with just those 2 words as the last sentence.

Can't use "invisible" about a stank:
To me, pad stank is invisible not noticeable because I have always

I guess I do not like this sentence: I find that I have actually been preparing for college for years. It is normal to prepare for college for years.

This is good: The discipline, the focus and leadership experience that I have developed will help me succeed in college.
...that familiar smell connecting my past to my future.----great ending... (Kevin stands up and gives a round of applause)
:-) thanks for posting this!

Undergraduate / How baking spurred my interest in prosocial emotions [4]

...for ever every occasion possible.

ecstatic

My curiosity about the positive reactions of my friends after giving them my baked goods made me realize I'm interested in studying the effects of prosocial emotions...hahaha, Cool! This is a great connection...

judgement judgment

I think you should try to explain this a little more clearly: European countries specialize in using a preventive approach toward prisoners----can you say this in a different way? Maybe you just need a different word to replace "preventative." Maybe you mean rehabilitative?

I like the baking theme!
For you, I recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl.

Undergraduate / 'Personal growth' - the benefits of having a diverse educational community? [3]


This is a very obvious statement. You should go beyond the obvious and make your own unique points about diversity. As I continue to read, I see that you did this successfully later on in the essay.

Sure, we follow some of the paths our parents have laid out of us, but eventually we find ourselves as being a becoming new versions of our parents because of what we've learned about ourselves from others.

I think the essay does make some unique observations about diversity... thanks for posting this!!

Undergraduate / My Father Thinks He's Hannibal Lecter-Common App Prompt [4]

Wow...both in the immature and playful sense. ---that is a funny sentence...

I enjoyed this essay a lot! The fact that you keep a positive attitude about it is impressive.. and this is written in a way that demonstrates a very high intelligence level. I think this topic is appropriate for the prompt... and it can be even better if you somehow make a connection between this experience and the careers you have in mind.

You have a little typo here:
Iin fifth grade

Use commas here: Also, his dog, Blue, had not perished.

Growing up with my father was like riding a rogue rollercoaster----- Your face is a rogue rollercoaster

:-)

Undergraduate / "Piano, musical career" - Purdue Essay - If I had a second chance... [3]


Efficiency. This sentence needs to be more efficient... like this:
I began my musical career at an early age by learning piano.

Let's not use both "eventually" and "in a short period of time"
eventually soon was able to play better than my teacher's other students. in a short period of time.

... took a toll in my mentality on my mental clarity. Trying to assimilating assimilate

...for I now know u nderstanding the distinct sounds of the 88 keys will greatly help my musical career. ---Great ending! Yes, I do think you answered the prompt very well.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Struggling with an ethical decision at the age of 12 [4]

The first 4 sentences... I think they are the sentence you need to to write to get warmed up... but they should be taken out of the final draft. They are sort of irrelevant... You should condense them into one sentence and then give the sentence that expresses what the essay is about:

... When I was 12-13 at the time twelve, and in the distance I saw one of my cousins putting something in the corner of something being put into one of my cousin's his mouth. I figured that they saw me, as my cousin Will, who was 15 at the time, came up to me, and I finally got a whiff of what was in his mouth... chewing tobacco. He said:dip, chewing tobacco, what ever you want to call it, but he says

"Michael, please promise, don't tell your mom"

I took out some words and phrases to make it more efficient. If you include unnecessary details, they become like weeds in a garden.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Volunteer work was a gratifying experience" - General Prompt for UC essay [3]

The word majority should be preceded by an article:
The majority of my peers already had an incentive to what they wanted to be when they grow up ideas about what professional fields they wanted to choose.

This is very well written! I found one more part that I do not like, though, right here:
...to me it was something that I enjoyed doing and found it to be my leisure time after school (you should say something more meaningful! Use this sentence to explain what you liked about it or why it was important to you).

And here at the end... Through volunteer work, I had no idea it would give me such a gratifying experience as well as my own inducement of what I wanted to do as a career in the future. ...you can leave the reader with any idea you want to express... so, do you really want to end the essay with a sentence that repeats the fact that you had no idea this experience would be so gratifying, etc? Think of one last message you want to send the reader before the essay is over. What is the message you want them to be thinking about when they finish reading?

:-)

Graduate / Austin Aerospace Dept, Material Eng - Req: A review of my SOP for University of Texas [6]


This is an example of using too many complicated words while not conveying enough meaning. It is a very general assertion of interest in this field. Referencing the Wright Brothers makes it very broad and all-encompassing.

All-encompassing = nothing in particular.

Do not use too many modifiers... they do not help as much as examples: immense interest

Right here, you are missing a period: all of which are directly related to my interest

But also, I want to know what interest you are referring you. "all of which are directly related to my interest"... so you must have some areas of specialization in mind... tell about your particular approach. Let the reader have some concepts (pertaining to the aerospace dept) to mentally associate with you... something to help them remember you. :-)

Undergraduate / The Musical Mishap-- Common App "Other" Essay Topic [2]

One more idea:
to heal more quickly than it already was.

This sentence can be shortened:
It is almost December again. which means This year's musical is Hairspray, and I am excited for...

I think it would be better if you did not include so much detail about the trip to the hospital and instead left room to talk more about the insight you gained when reflecting on the experience... and how it might affect your future.

:-)

Research Papers / Need help paraphrasing text about education policy [2]

Hi Marcelo, we don't provide paid writing help. What is the name of the text? Sometimes, if you have to paraphrase a text all you need to do is proceed one paragraph at a time and you'll build momentum pretty quickly!

However, if you are trying to create a final product that is about 30 pages, you should do it by paraphrasing about 60 pages. It is easier if you start out with more raw material.

Good luck!! Sometimes you just have to stay up all night.
:-)

Undergraduate / UIUC Application essay help (Civil Engineering/Dance) [6]

Well, you must have some reasons...
I suspect that you are not able to write in English easily.
Do you need help writing about your ideas in English?

If I was going to learn about civil engineering, it would be because I believe in improving society by improving the structures that hold it together.

What job do you hope to have as a professional?

Undergraduate / "Plant Science" - Being a tree hugger part II. Cornell CALS paper [5]

I like all of that intro... very well written!

Here is a place where you have some extra words:
My curiosity has grown stronger since I have grew stronger when I returned to New York. ---I know this changes the meaning somewhat, but check out how strongly it impacts the reader's mind.

Here is another example of a place you can add some brevity:
Just a few My weeks in Haiti (no comma necessary) opened ...
My weeks in Haiti opened...

This is the passive voice:
The summer of 2010 was spent

I spent the summer of 2010 uprooting weeds, planting seeds and

... grow rapidly like a cherry tree.

:-)

Graduate / Statement of Objectives for PhD in Control Systems [3]


Hi Anil, thanks for all your participation lately. I wanted to tell you I think this statement above could be better. It seems that the above sentence should convey your particular interests... not an interest simply in the program, but your long term interests that the program will enable you to pursue.

So, I think that opening statement should be revised to sum up what your particular interests are all about -- the ones that distinguish you and make your plan unique.

methodology---This means something different... it refers to the study of methods. So, I think it might not be the best word to use here.

This is very professionally written, but it does not give the reader a concept to associate with you. If you would get specific somewhere near the beginning and end of the essay about 1 or 2 specific goals you have... goals that perhaps others in your program do not have... areas in which you want to specialize or make a big contribution... specific research topics... these are the kinds of things that will help make a bigger impression.

:-)

Undergraduate / (Working with seniors) Short Answer for Common Application [2]


This is a great topic, and your methodical way of writing is very impressive, but this introduction could be a lot better. You could change that sentence so that it says anything you want it to say... something more interesting than "it would be much better if you..."

Here is one more little correction:
they shared with me ...

Undergraduate / "Natural Disasters 101" Colorado College Supplement [3]


Let's make this a "hook" to grab the reader's attention... change it so that it says something interesting. Sometimes, in order to get an interesting first sentence I have to reread my essay and move the most interesting sentence to the beginning.

:-)

Also, it's nicer if you write two instead of 2.

This is a great topic! It is even better if you focus more directly on taking practical steps to protect people. You can go a lot further than just designing structures to withstand it... and it would be great if you cited some recent research studies or journal articles. :-)

Undergraduate / Insight is overrated - Amherst Supplement Response [4]

I think the whole essay would be 100% better if you changed the first word from insight to meaning. The essay seems like it is all over the place, but it would be much clearer if you changed that first word.

"Insight" messes up the essay, because I don't know exactly how you are using the word. But if you use "meaning" at the start instead, the whole essay will be a discussion of this excellent word, meaning, and all your commentary on it.

The most important thing to do when you have a complex style of thinking and writing is to make sure no one can accuse you of "faking it" and just being fancy but lacking substance. This essay is not guilty of that, but if you are not careful to clearly expound your meaning (for every term that could be interpreted in more than one way) then people, in their confusion, might think you are faking it.

One more thing to correct: it and all her its (or her and all her)

:-)

Undergraduate / "Sports, Dedication", personal talent/quality [4]


Try not to ever start a paragraph with a boring sentence. This sentence is boring because it does not have any interesting idea or colorful words... it is just a common, not-very-surprising sentence.

So, especially at the beginning of a paragraph try to give the most interesting sentences of the essay. Like this one:
I realized that pursuing a goal meant more than understanding what it was. ---that is an interesting sentence.

The VERY interesting sentence that begins your essay establishes a very serious mood... death is even mentioned... and that makes it seem anticlimactic when you start talking about freshman year visual art. I have an idea... I think you should try moving that serious opening sentenced to the END of the essay instead as a thought to leave with the reader.

This sentence needs revision: You had to make it revolve around your life.----- a common expression is that someone's life "revolves around" something. I think this is the right way: "You have to make your life revolve around it."