Undergraduate / Meant to be Temple-Made - earlier I had only dreams that were way to big and scary for my small town [2]

Stefani, while you wrote a very engaging and informative single page essay but I have to tell you that you did not answer the essay prompt completely. The essay is asking you to write about how you imagine your personal and professional career 10 years from now. That means the admissions officer wants to get a clear idea of the personal and professional path that you plan on taking in the future. Instead what we have is information from you that goes back and forth from your time as a student to you in the future and vice versa. That is not how this essay is supposed to be written. You should concentrate solely on discussing how you completed your future plans (for example, you worked for Microsoft and unexpectedly got pirated by Google. ) and what your personal accomplishments are (Say, you are a single mother raising a son and a daughter and you are amazed by how you manage your professional and personal life with such ease). There is no use doing a retrospective in this case. What the officer wants to read is how you see yourself in the future, regardless of your past. Also, 10 years after graduation, expect that any influence Temple has had over you will have waned in favor of your more adult life demands such as your office culture and personal situation/issues. They expect to know where you will be in 10 years, not how Temple influenced you over 10 years.

Letters / Professor is asking to recommend an International student via common Application - College [14]

Don't worry about hurting his chances for admission. Your letter is almost the least of the admissions committee's priorities when considering the admission of a student. The burden of proving his worthiness for admission falls to the student. That means that aside from your letter, they will also consider his transcript of records (grades), his academic achievements (honors), notable achievements (his possible publication),his relevant volunteer activities and internships related to the major he applied for ( the part time job if it aligns with his chosen major), and a host of student essays based upon their specific prompts that serve as his preliminary interview, to name but a few of the more important considerations of the college or university.

Your recommendation is just a testimony to the fact that he is capable of performing as a student and will be a good addition to the student roster if admitted. There is no pressure on you to deliver anything in the letter. Your recommendation letter does not guarantee his admittance. His academic performance until he graduated is what will speak the loudest for him. So in answer to your question, yes, this 2nd version of the letter is more than suitable for the purpose that you you wrote it for :-)

Writing Feedback / School curriculum - It should be optional for students to choose their favorite subjects to follow [3]

While you presented a good discussion of the topic, you could have done a lot more to further assert your stance on the matter. You could have done a comparison of the students who graduated during the time that art, sports, and music were present in the curriculum versus those who graduated without those classes. There are publicly available records that you can access through the internet that prove that having art, sports, and music present in the student curriculum produces well rounded, socially grounded, and responsible individuals. In fact, school sports has even been credited with helping control obesity and encouraging exercise in the past. Then you can compare the students of today who are more IT inclined and thus learn less about social skills and teamwork while in school. By showing the imbalance and effects of the deprivation of those subjects on the students, you will be able to accurately discuss, defend, and conclude your essay. Don't get me wrong. This is a good attempt at answering the prompt. It is just that the essay you wrote has plenty of room left for discussion development and debate. I would hate for you to not have been able to fully discuss the topic. You can still revise this essay in order to add information. I suggest that you do so. Don't worry about the grammar, spelling, or punctuation problems for now. Just develop the discussion into a more solid form for now. The reasons behind your stand and its supporting facts are more important than those errors :)

Essays / Illustrate two of personal challenges that you have faced and describe how you met them [2]

When writing essays such as these, you need to choose 2 personal challenges that you had to overcome. These challenges could be in the form of a learning difficulty, economic problems at home, bullying, or a host of other problems that made you feel like a different person once you overcame them. You need to concentrate on a challenge that helped you better yourself as a person. By bettering yourself, I mean the experience taught you a lesson that has reshaped your views in life or maybe helped you develop a sense of maturity or a trait that you never knew you had. Normally, these essays stem from traumatic experiences that left an impression on you. There are no right or wrong topics in an essay like this. All you have to do is make sure that you have a very good personal reason for choosing those two personal challenges. Once you decide on the challenges, pay particular attention to how you overcame them and make sure that you thoroughly discuss the lesson that you learned from them. You can try to draft an essay and come back here to have us comment on it. It is really hard to advice you any further without an essay to review. Our advice usually comes after the essay draft is made :-)

Letters / Professor is asking to recommend an International student via common Application - College [14]

Since it seems that you cannot leave well enough alone, I will correct this new letter for you. You should know by now what the color codes and strike outs mean. I really do not understand why you had to change the previous version. I hope this will be the last version that you will write because the more you try to add information to your letter, the worse it gets correction wise. Then you will find yourself never really being satisfied with the letter you submitted. You only need 1 well written letter for this student. Not numerous versions that just go overboard in talking about the student. A simple paragraph or two will suffice. He has to prove his ability to enter the school. Not you. You can only recommend his study ethic and character as a student. Keep in mind, he will not get into the school if he does not qualify for admission. Regardless of how strong your recommendation letter is. Just a word of caution and advice. The university will only consider your recommendation to a certain degree when considering his application.


- I had the pleasure of being the academic instructor of XXX for 3 years in the subject of Physics. I had an interesting experience with him as a student because XXX amazed me with with scientific mind and academic abilities. He was one of the highest performing students in his 9th grade class due to his high level of maturity and outstanding leadership skills.


- XXX is a highly gifted student with astonishing analytical and interpretative skills with an uncanny ability to cope with scientific experiments with a high level of proficiency and accuracy. He was born with a curious scientific spirit and an attention to detail and meticulousness in his work that I have never before seen in a student.


- I was specially impressed with his trimester project regarding an innovative research project that he collaborated on with his classmates as their work is now being considered for publication by a scientific journal in our country. He is an exemplary leader who inspires his classmates because he manages to work and study at the same time. In fact, he headed the team researching the aforementioned project while also working and studying, displaying a degree of responsibility that even adults sometimes do not have.



-It is for these reasons that I believe XXX will be an excellent addition to your university roster of students. He will not disappoint you as a student and a leader in the student community.

Essays / Need guidance on how to write an essay about effect of taking a gap year before going to university [2]

First of all, you need to know what format the outline has to be in. MLA and APA are the most common American college essay formats so it should not be hard to figure out. Templates for the outline of both formats are available online. Don't get confused between the MLA and APA outline formats. Since you have to write about the advantages and disadvantages, you will need to write this essay in a compare and contrast format. Do you need to present your personal point of view also?

Before you write the final outline,just list down your ideas for discussion as it comes to your mind. Then you need to do actual research using reputable sources either online or from your school library, and personal interviews (if applicable). What do you do with the information you gathered? You can cut and paste all the information that you gather in 2 columns in your word document. One for the advantage then the other for the disadvantage. This will be your source of information and in-text citations. Don't forget to note the source of the information because you will need to do in-text citations with proper sourcing within the paper.

Try to include some personal point of views coming from you and other people (one who took a gap year, the other did not take a gap year) in order to bring a personal perspective to the paper. Don't forget to jot down your point of view on the topic just in case you are required to present it also Using the information you gathered, you should be able to create a convincing conclusion at the end of the essay.

Make sure you choose the correct outline and that you outline the topic in the order that you will be discussing it. Do not deviate from the outline or your professor will fail you. Your paragraphs should be composed of 3-5 sentences each , minimum, in order to be considered a complete paragraph. Develop all your points very well in order to create an informative essay. Don't present new ideas in your conclusion. That is against the IBC rules of essay writing. Remember to just restate the thesis, repeat your point of view (if required), and then summarize the important points.

Those are just some of the general essay outline and writing guidelines that you can follow. Your professor should provide you with additional instructions about the format of the page itself.

Undergraduate / A Jealousy - Harvard commonapp writing supplement (free topic) [5]

You made an excellent addition to the essay! There are just a few points that you need to revise. I believe that after applying these corrections, your essay will be ready for submission :-)


- Nevertheless , my addiction to...
- You need to clarify what you mean by online judges. Do you join online competitions? That sentence has never been clear since the very first version of your essay. You need to clarify and explain this sentence more thoroughly.


- I had to...



"Scientists study...

Talk about impact! You had a stroke of genius with this paragraph :-) Good luck with your application!

Letters / Professor is asking to recommend an International student via common Application - College [14]

Just a few revisions that you have to apply to the letter. lines across a word or strikeouts mean that you have to delete that sentence. When necessary, you will see a revised version of the text written in red. Those are the corrections you should use in the letter.


- I remember asking about the conditions...


- ... the answer . He raised his...


You were able to improve the content of the letter tremendously. This is a good and solid recommendation letter that your student should be happy to submit along with his other documents :-)

Undergraduate / "For the Love of Physics" / "Creativity" - favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, music... [4]

You made a very good 2nd draft of the paper. Now we can look at how to further improve the essay content wise. More importantly, we can now begin to correct the grammar problems as well. Here we go :-) Blue text means it needs to be added. While strike outs mean delete and the red text is the replacement word or sentence.


-... books that I have ever... best inspirational lectures... Lewis lectures transformed my life


- ... took me on a fabulous trip and ...


- ... led me to the path...


- So that I could...



- ... to observe and analyze problems in...


- that included ...


- and gave me an answer to the question "W hat does...


- ... into gigantic ...


- I developed revolutionary ideas that became a focal point of my life.


- First, look at criticisms as advantages instead of setbacks. If people challenge you, then prove them wrong. Increased effort and devotion to work will eventually pay off.


-... boost complex thinking by challenging yourself to think outside the box and imagine far beyond what the human mind can normally conceive.


- Third and most important, capture moments and opportunities to prove the worth of your life, be it the euphoria of a successful experiment or successfully answering a given equation.


- These books offered me a globalist point of view regarding scientific fields. These authors helped me develop an in-depth analysis of creativity and science. Through these books, I came to understand the need to cultivate creativity as scientific entertainment. If science is not eventually considered entertainment, the future of the world may be altered in a negative manner.

Insert the corrections I made and see if the essay will flow better in your opinion. I hope it does :-)

Letters / Professor is asking to recommend an International student via common Application - College [14]

To be very clear, you need to revise the way that you wrote the letter. Do not just note my remarks. Pay attention to the way I rewrote the parts of the essay for you. That is to serve as your guide in writing this recommendation letter properly. You do not need to talk about the student in a highly detailed manner. You just need to discuss the student in terms of how familiar you are with him as a student. His good characteristics and his possible shortcomings or difficulties in learning. Then commend his special skills and academic achievements if any. That is all you need to discuss in the letter. Nothing more.

The student should have provided you with a recommendation letter prompt for the university he is applying to. The prompt are the guide questions from the university that concern the qualities of a student that they are looking for. The university is supposed to give you a set of questions to answer in letter format, or at least provide you with a discussion topic in order to to help you present the student to them from the point of view of a trusted academic instructor. Ask the student for a copy of that if he has not given it to you yet. Without it, you will find it difficult to write the recommendation because English is not your first or second language.

Writing Feedback / I'm a nice person that is always trying to help others. Self-evaluation for my teacher [5]

Before we can work on your grammar and sentence issues, we need to fix the content of your essay first. That is why I did not write and corrections or revisions regarding you r mistakes. You need to revise the paper. Write it again using my comments as your guide in improving the paper. Even if you are just preparing to talk in a group, you need to be prepared to answer any questions coming from them. That is called "anticipating clarification questions". You write down everything you want to say and then think about any questions that the group might ask you about. That is why I was suggesting that you add content or revise certain portions of your essay. By doing so, you will be able to address a question that might come up during the group discussion.

Let me just repeat what I said at the end of my review, which should have made it clear that the essay needs to be revised: "The most basic problem of your essay is that you say a lot about yourself without actually saying much. You need to develop your self-evaluation with more explanations or facts in order to help your teacher understand where your self-evaluation is coming from. Right now, it is just a mess of words that explain very little about, even with all of the descriptions that you gave about yourself. I hate to say it but a full revision of the content of this paper will be necessary before we can even begin to work on fixing the grammar and sentence structure issues :-( I hope that my suggestions can help you with your revision work :-)"

I am looking forward to reading your revised self-evaluation, let's not call it an essay ;-)

Writing Feedback / I'm a nice person that is always trying to help others. Self-evaluation for my teacher [5]

While it is good that you are able to present a point of view about yourself in a direct and concise manner, this also proves to be a problem for your essay. You speak of your character traits and flaws in an interesting manner but you fail to develop the statements with examples of how these traits of your affect the people around you. For example, you say that you like to make people happy and smile. Can you give an example of why you do that? What is your reason for wanting to make people happy?

Your discussion of being independent and modest is downright confusing. These are 2 unrelated topics that should be discussed separately. That way you can provide a better explanation of the reasons behind your self-evaluation.

In the portion where you talk about your dislike for certain types of people, you need explain how that dislike developed so that your self-evaluation for this hate will have a solid basis backing it up.

The most basic problem of your essay is that you say a lot about yourself without actually saying much. You need to develop your self-evaluation with more explanations or facts in order to help your teacher understand where your self-evaluation is coming from. Right now, it is just a mess of words that explain very little about, even with all of the descriptions that you gave about yourself. I hate to say it but a full revision of the content of this paper will be necessary before we can even begin to work on fixing the grammar and sentence structure issues :-( I hope that my suggestions can help you with your revision work :-)

Letters / Professor is asking to recommend an International student via common Application - College [14]

I caught grammar issues that need to be addressed. I am also going to show you a better way of presenting your statements. The corrections are as follows:


- I am pleased to recommend my student XXX for admission to your school. I am his teacher in Analytic Mathematics and Geometry. I have observed his potential as a student and observed his talent to a great extent since he has been under my tutelage for the past 3 years.


- XXX first came to my attention when I became his teacher in the 9th grade. I remember asking about...


- ... confidencegave me...


- In class debates, he always gave interesting insights and analysis of debatable issues that helped to increase the level of the debate. He always displayed a sense of thoroughness, eloquence, and conciseness in his answers.

- You can merge this with the above paragraph instead. It is really short. But still discusses his student characteristics.


-He is a sociable person who does not have problems making new friends. He has always been highly respected by his peers because of his wisdom, insight, and moral support for those in need. He also displays leadership skills that proved to be valuable to him as a student since his peers always looked up to him.


- For these reasons. I highly recommend XXX for admission into your university. He deserves to be admitted because of the aforementioned qualities that would make him a fine addition to any university community.

Aside from the concluding paragraph, you can merge all of the corrected paragraphs into one. A recommendation letter should not be too long. 2 or 3 paragraphs will do. It should only be an overview of your opinion of the student. No need to offer samples of his academic breakthroughs. That is for the student to discuss and prove.

Undergraduate / "For the Love of Physics" / "Creativity" - favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, music... [4]

You need to watch the way you use capitalization with your words. Every word after a period is capitalized. Unless that capitalization is needed because you are stating the title of a book, song, or name of a person, place, or thing. You made this mistake in your first paragraph. I am sure you can catch where you made it :-)



- This sentence is overly long. You need to state only 1 or 2 examples to make your point.


- ... led my wayto the path of scientific...


- I began simply by imitating... then I raised my own questions and answered the same questions myself.
- This should also be a new paragraph because it discusses a new topic.


-I asked myself:
- You only need to provide sample questions. Limit it to to 2 examples.


- His book was the rare gem that changed the way I see the world. It brought me to observe... problems in daily life... worth studying as more than a simple task.


- This book nurtured science in my mind, turning research and knowledge into an fiery passion.


- You never start a sentence with and.
- I will never forget the book that enhanced my spirit of curiosity and innovation...


- This sounds like an unfinished sentence. Did you forget some information? You need to complete the thought.


-I dove into this ...


- Capitalization problem again. Correct this. It is part of the sentence and does not refer to a specific development of technology or the like.


- ... and gave me the answer to the question "what does it take to be a successful creative professional?".

One of the main problems of your essay is that you persist on speaking in present tense when you should be telling this story from the past tense point of view. You need to correct all of your tenses. Review you paper and revise the tenses to become past tense instead of present tense. That will solve most of the grammar problems of your essay. Also, using arrogance as an example is not a good thing because it makes a person hated. Instead, use something else. Perhaps a person challenged you in the past, saying you could not do something and you thought you could not, but then you took the chance and you did it successfully.


- Don't suck up. This topic will be a totally separate SOP essay for you when the time comes. Do not discuss the university in this essay. That is not what they want to hear about at this point.


- You spoke of two books in your essay and only concluded with one. Revise it to restate your thesis about why those 2 books have influenced you greatly. After all, if these are your favorite books, their themes were sure to have impacted your life in some way.

Undergraduate / 'I immediately felt a desire to know more about the institution' - Why Madison? [2]

Additional work is required to further improve your essay prior to the proofreading for grammar and sentence structure issues. You said in your opening paragraph that you developed an immediate interest in UW-Madison after hearing about the university. Why is that? You need to mention specific information that proves how what you heard about the university influenced you when you first heard it.


- The admissions officer already knows about the facilities of their university and their course curriculum. You don't need to tell him that. Instead, inform him about other things that aroused your interest. For example, a shared interest in developing engineering advancements. This informs the reader about where your inclinations lie.

You mentioned being self taught in terms of science and engineering. Expand this discussion to include the methods by which you self studied and what you learned about your abilities as a student from that experience. This is an important part of the essay that deals with factors that might affect your academic accomplishments.


- Further discuss this sentence by explaining how UW-Madison will be able to help you develop yourself further in these fields.

In your final paragraph related to academic interests, you mentioned having an interest in researching molecules. Does UW-Madison offer any research grants or internships with scientists that can help you get immersed in such research? Where does the university fit in this aspect of your studies? Always relate all your plans to the university and how their support can help you grow as a person or scientist.

Now, about your extra curricular activities. Unless you excel tremendously in swimming and have been a winning member of a swim club in the past, I would not discuss that portion anymore as it seems irrelevant and disconnected to the previous parts of your essay. Concentrate instead on your academic accomplishments or shortcomings in relation to your future as a student at the university.

Undergraduate / RISD: Spending a Day With a Favorite Artist [3]


-Avoid redundant sentences.This is a statement that you repeat at the beginning of every paragraph. Delete it and go direct to the point instead.restructure your first sentence throughout the essay in a way that it introduces the next event without being redundant. We already know you are talking about the perfect day. There is no need to keep reminding us.


- Don't pose a statement that you are not supposed to know about. Pose is as a questions instead. "Did the extreme violence in the community where he grew up influence his art?" would be a better way of putting it.


- You don't want more. You want to "know more" :-)

- You only have 24 hours. Be realistic, there is no way you can make it to Italy and back in less than a day. Stick to the U.S. areas where you can go and enjoy art.


- ... I've never beenthere.


- artistic inspirations for



- ... share a love for a mutual artist!


- ... so much. Now I have to chance to find out why.

Your concluding statement is quite moving and is a perfect end to your day with the artist. Aside from the revisions and comments above, this is a very good essay and worthy of submission. I believe that this will truly catch the attention of the admissions officer :-)

Undergraduate / I WILL NOT LIE NYU - NYU SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY [3]

There is a major problem in your essay. You totally did not understand what the prompt was asking you to discuss. You spend too much time talking about NYU and what you know about the university and its campus community instead of discussing what you have to offer the university and its student community. So you need to trash this version of your essay and start writing a new one that is more focused towards the idea of what you have and how you can contribute to NYC as a student and member of the community.

You talk too much about having fun socially in college. That is not what a prestigious university like NYC wants to hear. You not applying to a party university. This is a serious academic institution that admits only the most serious college students who have a goal, purpose, and ambition in life. Too much talk about your community participation portrays you as a self-centered individual who does not care about the others in the community. You do not want the admissions officer to think that. You would not make it past the first round of considerations if that happens.

Here is what I suggest. Look at your past academic and social achievements. Pick the most outstanding of your achievements from those two worlds. Then focus on how you can parlay those accomplishments into your college life. Using these two important accomplishments to paint yourself as a picture of an academic and social achiever whose prowess will definitely be an additional positive influence upon the NYC academic and social community.

Scholarship / SOP; What is the evidence supporting the nebula theory of Solar System formation? [7]

Once again, what is your undergraduate course and when did you graduate? These are important pieces of information that you need to tell the screening officer of the scholarship committee. They need to know if your choice of study falls within their choice of graduate study majors to support. You need something more at the end of your introduction. I am thinking that maybe you can pose a question about the sun and nebula. Something that you will want to do further research on in the future. Then you can develop the body of the essay around that desire of yours, thus giving you an actual purpose for want to gain higher education in that field.

Don't talk about your friends and how they convinced you to join the competition. That is not relevant to your SOP. Just present facts about the competition and your experience as a participant that helped to entice you to learn more about the sun and the possibility that it could burn out, causing the end of the world for us.

Further develop the paragraph about your college studies. Discuss how you now feel confident that you know enough about the solar system, nebula, and the sun, but that you still have unanswered questions that you hope can be answered by the graduate studies subjects. Reiterate your interest in solving a particular question that you have posed for yourself and how graduate studies can help you answer that.

About the Tubitak scholarship. This is a science based scholarship right? How do you feel your purpose for studies align with their own scholarship mission and vision? What objectives do you share with the foundation? You did not mention how you can give back to them after your studies by working for them if given the chance, perhaps even presenting the results of any scientific discovery you might make to them before presenting it anywhere else in order to bring further prestige to their scholarship foundation. Say something about how you will pay them back for their generosity in an alternative way.

Undergraduate / not many opportunities for women to get education - college essay [4]

Before we clean up the grammar problems, we need to create a focus for your essay first. It is not very coherent and is confusing to read at this point. So let me point out the areas that you need to revise first. That way we can clean up the grammar problems when the content of your paper is final in content.

Your introduction is trying to present a number of ideas all at once. Neither of them relating to one another. I suggest you pick a topic, the fact that you are going to college when your country believes that women should not seek higher education and instead get married instead. There is also a quotation mark where there should not be one.

It is important that you related the moving of your family to the United States in terms of you getting further ahead in terms of your education. This move is important because it meant that you were not destined for the same fate as your mother who did not go to college because of the culture of your home country. Your language problems should still be mentioned as an obstacle you had to overcome. But the society you joined, it just does not go with the focus of the essay so I suggest you skip that part.

Your statement about languages that you speak which are native to Pakistan does not have any place in the essay. You need to focus on only one accomplishment or personal quality. Do not keep introducing new facets to your personality. The admissions officer wants to learn about only one facet of your personality or accomplishment. Focus on attending college when the odds should have been against you due to Pakistani tradition and culture. That is your real accomplishment in life.

So what I am trying to tell you is that, your essay needs a lot of work. It requires major revisions content wise before we can even begin to finalize the essence of your essay. Only after we create a solid statement for you can we fix the grammar and sentence structure issues. I look forward to reading the 2nd draft of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / 'health and science has been my top consideration' - UIC personal essay of program choice [3]

In your introductory paragraph, you mention that you are interested in the fields of health and science. You should give a short description of your experience in this field that led to your discovery of your interest in Food and Nutrition. That way you present an introduction that informs the reader about where you are coming from with regards to your choice of majors.

You should discuss obesity as an illness that affects the overall population. Do not mention the aging society because if they are aging, then weight issues may not be a problem for them. Neither would be healthy eating. This paragraph should discuss your point of view about the obesity issue instead. Why you think it is rampant and why you feel that not enough is being done to address the problem in the field of Food and Nutrition.

Your paragraph about cooking on a personal level is a good touch. Perhaps you can mention something about how you like to cook healthy and how it has helped someone in your family. Just to give weight to something that now sounds more like a hobby than an advocacy.

The conclusion is too generalized. You should center on the changes that you hope to make in the field of Food and Nutrition after you graduate. Mention your goals and plans for the future and then close the statement with a sentence that embodies the weight of your commitment to your major.

Develop the essay further and once you have done that, we can move on to cleaning up the grammatical errors :-)

Undergraduate / 'I consider myself an advocate for many things' - UW Madison Essay #1 [2]

At first glance, this paper seems solid and well thought out. But there are still a few errors to be corrected and ideas that need to be developed. I will add further notes at the end :-)


- The proper term is overlooked.



- Develop this idea. You need to present the reasons as to why you are not a hammer type of person. Also, for those who are not familiar with the term, you need to define this kind of personality as a fyi.



- Instead of pushing ideas into people, say forcing people to believe in my beliefs.



- You cannot post your family above your bed. But you can post a family picture on the wall above your bed. So the correct way to say this is :" I will have a loving family picture posted on the wall above my bed..".


- the first people ...
You have presented a very good first draft for this statement. I advise you to continue further developing your statement in order to provide more information or insight into who you are as a person and why you feel nuclear energy is important to you as a topic.

Writing Feedback / [Toefl] By excessive use of cars in the roads, the number of accident has increased. [4]

Hamed, why are you opening your introductory statement with an argument? You have not presented any introduction to the topic nor thesis statement yet. Never use however to open a paragraph unless you have presented an opposing point of view previously. You need to restructure this paragraph.


- As a result, the development of this technology has brought along serious problems for the environment.


- This paragraph requires a number of corrections. You used However properly in this instance. You have repetitive information in the paragraph that I feel you need to replace with other information in order to make a solid argument.

- However, while cars make transportation easier, it has also caused severe traffic in big cities. Noise pollution coming from the car horns and exhaust pipes also create a nuisance that people have to put up with.


- This is a weak use of accidents in an argument. Unless you can provide statistics to prove your claim, you are making unfounded accusations. Add more information to this paragraph to make it valid.

Your conclusion is a mess. You should never conclude with a question. Just summarize the content and restate your thesis.

Writing Feedback / Should we take action at once? 'patience have great range influence in our life' [6]

Mabel, I can really see that you are trying your best to improve your essay. So please allow me to help you with your sentence structure and some ideas that can help shape the essay :-) I will quote a portion of the original text and then provide my comments in green and my suggested sentence structure is in blue.


- It is a universally accepted fact that patience is one of the greatest characteristics of a human being. This has been a virtue that has helped the human race evolve as a society and has helped bring peace to many a warring nations. But in the frenzied lifestyle of the 21st century, the patience of human beings has begun to wane. These days, people have become impatient and require immediate action to any problem that exists. They no longer believe that patience pays off because it takes too long to get results. While immediate action has its benefits, the results of patient actions are usually more long term. That is why I believe that patience has a greater influence in our lives.

- You need to create an informative hook for topics such as these in order to entice your readers. Note how I gave some information about patience and immediate action in comparison before I gave my opinion. Did you find yourself becoming more interested in reading more about what I have to say? That is the purpose of the introduction and your thesis statement.


- While looking for an example of the long term effects of patience in human beings, only one vivid example came to mind, the businessman. He is a professional negotiator whose patience is quite long. He deals with discord and varying points of view all the time while trying to close a business deal. His patience allows him to successfully analyze the situation and collaborate with his partners regarding successful conclusions. These all happen over a period of months or years. When everyone patiently waits for the positive results of the negotiations, the results are usually quite satisfying and long term (such as long term leases or business partnerships) in result.

- You always need to develop your paragraph / statement ideas in such a way that you constantly provide new information to the reader. You should also present evidence that will have the viewer think about the logic or acceptability of your point of view.

Most people view anything scientific as a boring example for a discussion. This is where you could use Apartheid as an example. Apartheid was the segregation of Whites from Blacks in South Africa, when it was still a Dutch influenced country. The South Africans, through the leadership of Nelson Mandela tried to enact peaceful protests in order to win equal rights for the black South Africans. Nelson Mandela and his supporters wanted the Apartheid laws to be changed and they did that through a change in the law. It took them decades but they were finally able to enact legislative change for their country, with long term equal rights results. Try to work this information into your essay. Do not use the science explanation.


- Since I helped you out with the examples, you need to revise your concluding paragraph :-)

Scholarship / SOP; What is the evidence supporting the nebula theory of Solar System formation? [7]

This an improvement, but not much of an improvement. Let me offer you some guide questions that can help you better write this essay.

1. What is your undergraduate course? Mention how it relates to your passion for whatever your graduate study course is.
2. You need to develop your participation in the scientific conference. Why did that experience give you a stronger sense of purpose in relation to your graduate study? What did you learn academically from the experience and other participants that influenced you? The additional information you provided is good. But you can discuss more about it in order to create an impact.

3. What is it about the sun and solar system that you feel you need to learn via advanced studies? What is your goal? Do you have a specific experiment you want to conduct or research you want to do?

5. How can being a recipient of this scholarship help you achieve your goals?
6. How do you plan to give back to the scholarship foundation if they give you a scholarship during and after your studies?

If you can answer these questions in essay format, we can further fine tune the content to fall in line with the scholarship requirements. By the way, it will be great if you can share the scholarship essay prompt with us so that we can help you better align the content of your essay with what the scholarship committee is looking for :-)

Writing Feedback / The law need the flexibility in each verdict of criminal behaviours [4]

You should develop a stronger introductory statement. One way of doing this is to cite some famous cases that carries a public opinion about the unfairness or fairness of the sentence. Then explain how historically, the punishment has always been made to fit the crime and that people today want to change that in order to be fair to the accused whose criminal circumstances should be considered during sentencing. Then you can present your own point of view.

When you say that the punishments should be uniform for all crimes, you need to explain why there is a growing sentiment towards this and why there are still people who disagree with it. Then discuss the legal point of view regarding sentencing. Research the legal stand of various parties and then use that in the discussion. Factual evidence such as those will give your paper academic weight.

When you finally explain why you believe that the sentences should not be the same, try to relate it to more recent cases ( as examples) in order to provide a solid opinion on the matter. Don't forget that you need to sound knowledgeable and authoritative when you discuss this part because this is the most important part of the essay, your personal opinion. So make your discussion matter and work towards making it the strongest argument in the essay.

You also need to fix your conclusion because you made the mistake of presenting a new idea instead of wrapping up the statement. You know that we are not allowed to present new ideas, even if they are your own, in the conclusion. That is not the purpose of a conclusion. Instead, you can add another paragraph to discuss your new idea in and then conclude the essay.

Scholarship / SOP; What is the evidence supporting the nebula theory of Solar System formation? [7]

It would be nice if you can provide the prompt for this statement of purpose so that we can get a clearer idea of the required content of the essay. At the moment though, this essay needs a lot of work. It is too short and provides too much information at the beginning that is simply filler material. The real interesting part does not start till the middle of the essay and then it comes up under developed and lacking in informative content. Let me give you an example of where your essay falls short.

Avoid filler statements such as your first 2 paragraphs that do not really say anything about the purpose of your application. You are only telling the admissions officer something that they already know. So skip this and go directly the second paragraph.


- This should be the opening statement of your sop because it directly relates to your purpose and passion for enrolling in the course. Develop the story about your participation in the story conference as a building block that inspired you to delve deeper into this course of study.


- This is an irrelevant statement that does not relate to your purpose for enrolling. You need to discuss a bigger purpose for enrolling. Something along the lines of discovering a new planet or the like.

If you can correct and build up these two paragraphs alone, you will develop an effective SOP that we can then check for grammatical errors :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: Great nations should be assessed by general welfare of its people [2]

You have a solid start for your introduction. There is a slight problem though. You were supposed to agree or disagree with the statement and I do not see any mention of your stand anywhere in the paragraph. I suggest that you add a sentence at the end reflecting your stand in order to fall in line with the requirements of the essay. Without your stand, the essay does not have a thesis statement to begin its discussion with. I will be making comments and revision suggestions to your essay as I review it below.


- ... the ultimate goal of a nations should be to serve the interests of the general majority... closer examination of the... different nations supports this statement.

- This statement is open to further discussion. Perhaps you can present the opposing point of view and explain its flaws before you launch into your current statement.


- ... confirms this argument... countries in the world, nor does it obtain a ... the world's largest economy... but not a great nation that serves its people ...

- You did a good job at using the compare and contrast method of discussing the topic.The two paragraphs you provided as samples were right on the mark.

As for your conclusion, it loses its impact because you failed to present your personal point of view early in the essay and do not even try to reference it at the end. So you have to revise the essay in order to properly show a restated thesis, summary of facts, and conclusion.

Undergraduate / "Why Caltech" - 3:1 student-to-faculty ratio - Supplement essay last question idea? [8]

Anouar, you can use the Caltech essay as a basis for the UChicago essay. You will still need to research UChicago in order to discover which points of your Caltech essay can be used or rephrased for the application essay though. Each university has specific requirements of their applicants and looks for certain unique things in their students. So you need to familiarize yourself with UChicago using my previously stated guide. Then revise your Caltech essay in a manner that will appeal to UChicago admission officers. I would suggest that you read some UChicago application essays that are freely available on the web. This will help you get a better feel and understanding of their requirements and thus, help you to tailor the new essay towards their specific demands. Remember, you need to at least paraphrase the essay so that there won't be a chance that the admissions officers may think that you are submitting a generalized essay. So adding some uniquely UChicago student characteristics on your part will definitely help alter and refine the essay for UChicago. I know this will require you to devote time and attention to the intricate details of the essay but I assure you that it will be worth it in the long run. After all, you may not have to write a totally new essay for the application :-)

Graduate / The field of health care, especially physicians, embodies a wonderful unity of high academic merit [2]

Here's my review of your essay. It is a very interesting read and good example of a statement of purpose or personal statement :-)

- Strong start. Good thesis.


- Recent surges ... despite being so important , it is a ...


- This should be a totally separate paragraph because it refers to a totally different topic.


- This is a very inspiring and compelling paragraph. It certainly helps to strengthen your personal statement.


- Again, this is a statement that accurately answers your reasons for studying humanities even though you may not realize it :-) Good job!


- This is a strong conclusion supported by your previous statements. You can still develop the conclusion a bit more, but that would depend upon the prompt provided.

If you wrote this as a personal statement or a statement of purpose, then you should give yourself a pat on the back for doing a fantastic job on the essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Should we take action at once? 'patience have great range influence in our life' [6]

Mabel, you need to improve your grammar usage. Your lack of understanding of how to use various words in English affected the overall essence of your essay. Also, the examples that you used to support your stand is too shallow to be considered a serious academic point of view. However, if you wish to use the experiences you wrote, then it needs to be cleaned up grammar-wise and also expanded in discussion. Let me offer you some revision advice:


- Even though you know what the prompt is, you still need to state it in your own way in the introduction paragraph. It is only after you do that that you can proceed to the other parts of your introduction.

- Some people say that patience is a good thing in life. It is a popular notion that helps people to not worry about certain things in their lives. But then there are some people who lack patience and just go for what they want or need the minute they get the urge to do so. They don't believe that patience is worth considering in the fast paced lifestyle of the 21st century. I believe that the latter kind of people are wrong. Patience does have it virtues as the old saying goes and I intend to fully explain why.


- Mabel, you need to look up the meaning and difference of the words patience and patient. The word for this essay is patience, not patient. being patient is different from having patience. In the essence of this essay, the word to use throughout is patience.

- The topic sentence for this paragraph needs to be strengthened. You can do that by choosing a better example other than you wanting to buy a watch at half price. Consider a world point of view such as the end of apartheid in Africa, or the Equal Rights Amendment, Those were the result of patience. That is a more academic example for discussion.


- This is a good example. But you need to polish the way you said it. Also, note the way patient and patience are used in the sentences. Refer below.

-Patience is a businessman's virtue. A businessman knows how to patient in order to get what he wants because of the negotiations, conferences, and trading that he needs to do with his business partners. A patient person, is a qualified negotiator. That is why businessmen who have a tremendous amount of patience get the deal signed.


- Revise your conclusion. It lacks the required components of a restated thesis, summary of information, and a closing sentence.

I hope my advice can help serve as your guide in revising your essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Responsible tourists to preserve about culture and environment [5]


- This is a very confusing introduction. It does not make any sense. The topic is lost somewhere in there and the lack of a thesis statement leaves this paper boring and without a direction. Neither is your stand mentioned in the last sentence of the paragraph.


- Topic sentences should always be the first sentence of a new paragraph.

The overall essay is poorly constructed and written. You need to revise it and present your stand on the matter aside from discussing the reasons that you mentioned in the other paragraphs. Additional research and citing of sources within the text will help improve the content and credibility problem of the information contained in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Consequences to Uselessly Building in Wildlife/Natural Areas [2]

My first question would have to be, what essay format is this supposed to be in? I see you have in-text citations. Is this supposed to be in MLA or APA format? I just want to make sure that you are using the correct format for the essay :-) Now the essay itself is solid. It is good enough to use again as a 9th grade essay provided that this is your original work. If this is not your original work and you are just planning to pass it off as your own without any changes, I would strongly advise you against doing that. Plagiarism checkers will definitely catch you and you know what will happen then. Therefore, you need to paraphrase the whole essay in order to use this again in the 9th grade. On that note, I have to mention that there are grammatical errors here and there that need to be corrected in the essay. This is a complicated piece of writing on a serious topic and it is obvious that ample research was done in order to complete the requirements of this essay. Let me offer some grammatical errors for you to consider. There is no problem with the essence of the answer itself in relation to the prompt.


- What we call modernizing...


- ... we have burned down forests, rendered animal species extinct. .. man made structures are ...


- ... near-forest homes are surely... a benefit to those who ...


-... a larger population...


- ... are burned down...


- major problem on Earth: ...
The aforementioned errors are but a few that I caught in the essay. These can be corrected after you have paraphrased the essay for your 9th grade class :-) For now, consider the above list a sample of what needs to be corrected.

Writing Feedback / GRE; Welfare of the nation and the desire of corporations to maximize profits [3]


- I believe that related would be a more appropriate word to use given the context of the succeeding sentences. Is there a way you can expound upon this statement of yours? Just to give the reader an idea of what you mean. By the way, you need to specifically mention your stand on the matter, whether you agree or disagree early in the introductory paragraph. I don't see your stand indicated.


- How do they do that? Why aren't they being prevented from doing so? You can still expand this paragraph in order to deepen the discussion.


- You should cite additional information that proves this point in order to make it credible.


- Actions relating to what? You need to define that in order to accurately conclude this paragraph.

There are some grammar issues in the essay but those can be overlooked while we try to create a solid draft essay for you at the moment. After that, we can polish those grammar problems :-)

Undergraduate / A Jealousy - Harvard commonapp writing supplement (free topic) [5]


- Always capitalize event titles
- ... Olympiad of Informatics... presented for the International Olympiad of Informatics competition . I couldn't deny my jealous feelings.


- My chance to represent my country in the IOI vanished because of two cups of coffee...


- ... so I could not...


- All my efforts , lost sleep hours that I dedicated to problem solving with... the coffee also swept away..


- Stacia would not have been disturbed by the minor inconvenience of 2 cups of coffee like I was. She was too experienced.


-... contest in the 9th...


- truly deserved the...


- she had been trained for years . While I ... I just wanted to have... so I could. .. achieve higher goals .


- my chance to represent ... was gone...


- ... I can do about it, let go of my passion for computers.. .


- makes me sure that I will be engaged in this field my entire life.


- and enrolled myself in the

These minor corrections should help polish your essay :-) You related a very interesting and engaging story. Congratulations on achieving that :-)

Undergraduate / Superpowers. Pratt 2014 essay [2]


- Don't used cuss words in a formal essay. That shows disrespect for the admissions officer.


- This paragraph is too long and does not say much about what your problem was. Either revise it to become shorter or change it totally so that it can relate to the prompt.


- Shorten this paragraph by relating it to how you were suddenly reminded that you come from a family of superheroes and that you realized this was the path for you because of your mom and grandma.


- Good conclusion.

I strongly advise that you edit the portions I mentioned in green text in order to bring down your word count. Then we can review your 2nd version again :-)

Undergraduate / "Why Caltech" - 3:1 student-to-faculty ratio - Supplement essay last question idea? [8]


- ... were physicists but... and believed ... in themselves. So I followed... and fostered my sense of self-reliance.


- ... cartoons ...


- ... made me dream of a lab ...


- hunger for. .. physics specially ,


- composed of a ...

Anouar, you did your homework :-) Save for these few corrections, you successfully answered the prompt :-) Excellent work!

Undergraduate / "My journey from dark to light" - an accomplishment or event [6]


- From the age of 13 -16, I had lost sight of my goal in life...dawn.All because I felt like a failure in achieving my academic ambitions and goals .


- letting go of my dreams


- Having faced the challenge of... work hard at accomplishing ... I devoted daytime to my... I am still not sure that I am...


- and proved to myself and to them ... the heart is all that matters ...

Aside from these few corrections, I believe the essay is ready for submission :-) Of course that is if you agree with my opinion ;-) Excellent revision!

Writing Feedback / Truth is most important factor in making a romantic relationship persistent [2]


- The debate about whether telling the truth is an important factor in any kind of relationship has been going on for decades now. That is why this needs to be discussed carefully and in great detail. While some people agree with this statement, others disagree just like the author. I believe that telling the truth depends upon the situation of the relationship.

- This is a very short introduction that does not have an effective hook to interest the reader. I suggest that you improve upon this statement and provide a stronger thesis statement other than describing a situation below.


- Telling the truth is an important factor... making a romantic relationship work ... Telling the truth is one of the ... For example, I had a girlfriend during my undergraduate years. We were together for 8 years... we still loved each other despite facing... it happened because we never lied to each other .

- This is a good start to your body of paragraphs. You can develop your personal story a bit more in order to strengthen you belief about not telling lies to one another.


- ... telling the truth is not always a critical... I do not agree that telling the truth about... to your co-worker on the first day... you might have done something wrong,... even if it is the truth... This example strengthens the reason why ...


- You need to revise your conclusion. You cannot state new information in a conclusion. This should be another paragraph instead. Write a new conclusion then we will deal with the grammar problems in this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / which one have an important role in order to success of students in school?classmate or parents? [9]

Hamed, that is exactly why I told you that you need to know about American and world history, with an emphasis on current events, in order to successfully complete the TOEFL test. You never know which kind of essay prompt you might get. Each examinee will have a different exam set of questions to answer, and that includes the essay portion. You can't just fill the essay with words to meet the word and time requirement. The words and sentences need to make sense collectively as a paragraph and connect to the prompt.

TOEFL will test your English skills to its maximum potential. That is why you need to practice with grammar tests, essays, and speed reading. All the tests are under a time constraint. So the faster you can read and understand in English, the more time you will have to compose or choose your answer. Unfortunately, the forum rules don't allow me to give you my email address :( So we can only converse here at the forum and in public so that everyone here can participate in helping you achieve your best potential before you take the test :-) Don't worry, I promise to do my best to help you practice and develop your writing skill. We are all here to help you :-)

The key to the TOEFL review and training is simply, read, understand, write an opinion. Also, try to do grammar tests. These should cover spoken English and written English. So watching English language films and shows are a must. Don't confine yourself to the practice essays. You will find out if you are truly improving by writing your own opinion essays based on topics or books that you read. Of course the materials have to be English based :-)

Writing Feedback / which one have an important role in order to success of students in school?classmate or parents? [9]

Hamed and nickyzhi, I have taken the TOEFL and I passed it on my first try with flying colors in all the test sections. So I know what I am talking about. That is why I am very familiar with the requirements of the test. I know what they are looking for and how to score well in the essay portion because I have the personal experience of having to have written a complicated essay based on American history and inventions within 30 minutes. You need to be able to understand the prompt and express yourself well when taking the essay test because it is a major part of the grading system for the test. Just writing anything in order to fill in 30 minutes or fill the paper will not work because a human being not a computer, the examiner on the other side of the world, is going to review the essay you wrote and grade it. I would hate for you to find that out the hard way. There is more at stake here than just "winging it" during the essay portion of the test. Without comprehension, grammar, and written skills,and knowledge of American culture and traditions, add to that some knowledge of current world events, it will be very difficult for you to pass the exam. So you need to take your practice essays very seriously. Taking the TOEFL is no joke and the wonderful feeling you get when you finally find out that you passed is a sensation you will never forget or experience again in your life :-)