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Posts by vangiespen
Name: Louisa, EssayForum Contributor
Joined: Aug 22, 2014
Last Post: Feb 17, 2016
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vangiespen   
Sep 9, 2014
Undergraduate / "quantification" - best descriptor for my desire to attend the Naval Academy [2]

It is interesting to note that while you did write an interesting personal statement, you did not totally answer either prompts. You mentioned a very significant personal experience about playing baseball but were not able to related the event to how you developed an interest in the naval academy. That is what the prompt is asking you to answer. The answer to that would be something like "My dad worked in the Navy and so I grew up a navy brat, the navy was the only world I know and I never want to leave it. Hence my interest in the naval academy..." For the second prompt, You should further develop your statement about having tried out for the academy previously and getting rejected. Your statement about NROTC shows your desire to pursue naval career and should impress the admisison officer a bit. So I would really advise you to revise your paper to more closely answer the prompts. The keywords are indicated within the prompt and you have represented the answers in your draft. You just need to further develop it in the proper context.
vangiespen   
Sep 9, 2014
Writing Feedback / Eating at home is far better than to dine in a restaurants - IELTS writing task 2 [5]

There are numerous grammatical and sentence structure errors in this essay. While you present some valid points of discussion, you left most of them under developed and therefore lacking in information with which a reader can make an informed decision after reading your essay. It is important that you develop all points of your discussion in order to create supporting evidence for your position on the topic. I would suggest that you try to develop the pro and con sides equally in order to present an informative discussion.

In my conclusion, now we live in a busy world and some have a lot to do but still eating at home is far better than to dine in a restaurants. Even it is convenient and some offers promo or buffet dinning, I do not want to risk my health and having a heart disease someday.

- Rather than using this statement as a conclusion, I suggest that you develop this earlier in the essay because this is a debatable issue that can actually be the whole basis of your essay. This alone can be developed into an excellent pro and con discussion for your paper prior to your delivering your personal opinion :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 9, 2014
Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

I looked for [...].

- You added information to your previous essay that is not relevant to the reasons behind your choice to study in Germany. Your family needs is not important to the admissions committee of the university. I suggest you delete this paragraph.

the research and development carried out by the German Aerospace Center (DLR) and Germany's membership in the European Space Agency (ESA) plays the largest role. Its support has contributed towards making Germany's aerospace organization the second-largest in Europe .

- I am looking forward to the time in my education ,or perhaps my future employment in Germany, when I will be able to participate in the...

In another hand unlike the quality of education in Germany, the cost of education lowers than other countries, which it a really attractive place for many competitive students from the 'third world. '

- This statement does not say anything to help your application. Avoid general statements that are irrelevant to the topic.

I came to know about your university through DAAD course finder andone thing that impressed me was the practical aspect of the course work. Another thing that pushed me to apply for masters at your university was that its program designed for consecutive studies that make it ideal for my situation. Lastly, Studying at your multicultural university enables me to improve my interpersonal talents. I would be learning in one of the best universities in Europe.

- through the DAAD course finder. I was impressed by the practical course curriculum and coursework... Studying at your multicultural university will enable me to ...

With such academicperformance and a good score,

- With such exemplary academic performances and scores...

I believe I am the right candidate forthe position in this program.

Also,I believe that masters study will obviously be pretty challenging but at the same time interesting enough to help me overcome the odds of not only studying in a foreign institution but also living a somewhat advanced society.

- Masters studies at your university[..]
.[/quote]
- Again, the officer is not interested in your employment plans. You should only be speaking of work experience gains in this paragraph stemming from your training and experience earned during the course of your education.


Finally, I am convinced that this master program would provide me with the necessary theoretical knowledge and practical skills I will need for a successful business management career in the future.

- You need to further develop this statement by indicating at least a 5 year career plan related to your stay in Germany after graduation
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

I have a few comments and suggestions that can help to further improve your essay. I listed it below.

The design and manufacture of craft that can defy the limits of the world, or go beyond the decree of nature, is arguably the pinnacle of engineering in the world today.

-... manufacture of crafts ...

- That is the main reason that I am interested in pursuing an Aeronautical Engineering Masters degree after having completed my Bachelor's degree in Aeronautical Engineering 5 years ago at the Aleppo University of Mechanical Engineering.

- There is no need to state the obvious. You are applying for acceptance into the masters program by completing the essay requirement.

- Here is another way to format this statement: My aim is to become a competent computational engineer who is qualified to work for international aeronautical engineering companies. Since Germany is known as the country at the forefront of aeronautical developments, it makes perfect sense for me to pursue my masters degree in the country that has universities best equipped to handle my masters training.

- State these in essay form rather than numerical.

- I suggest you turn this into a full statement instead by saying: "Having enumerated my reasons for choosing to study in Germany, I want to now explain the reasons why I am applying for acceptance to your university." Then you can further develop the reasons that you stated in relation to your excitement about learning from the best aeronautical minds in the world.

The Benefits of this Course:...

- You need to stop using subheadings for your essay. This is supposed to be a flowing statement of your motivation for studying in Germany. The headings cut the flow of the content and abruptly interrupts the reader.

I suggest that you do another rewrite that takes my comments and advice into consideration. Then compare the 2 versions and see which version appeals to you and seems to suit your needs best. We will continue to work with you until you perfect the paper :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Undergraduate / 'strange and uncommon story' - Should I write about my unique situations for the common app essay? [3]

While this makes for a very interesting topic for the common app 1, I believe that your narration concentrates too much on the story of your parents rather than how their actions affected you during your growing years. So, my suggestion is this: use your parents story as the foundation for your essay but tell it in such a way that you become the focal point or subject of the story. You can use the following as guide questions:

1. How did the drug abuse and drug induced actions of your father affect your relationship with him?
2. How did the entrance of the abusive boyfriend affect you directly? Any trauma or hatred towards your mom because of what happened?
3. How did you feel about the emergence of your step siblings? How did other children affect your relationship with your parents?
4. How did the craziness of your life help you to develop focus and a goal in life?
5. Would you say that the craziness in your life taught you life lessons that you normally would not have learned?

Like I said, once the essay becomes all about you, the craziness that you are telling us about will make more sense :-) I hope my suggestions help you develop your essay :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Scholarship / "Journey to Become a Salad Lover" - QuestBridge Essay [7]

Then I suggest that you make reference towards the end of your essay about the meat and salad reference you made in the beginning. While you did effectively mention the salad in the needed essence, you can still build it up. Refer to your growth as a person and your interacting with others in such a manner that depicts how you learned to accept salad as a part of a healthy meal (community) and how meat (you) can actually learn to blend well with the flavors that the salad gives out. That way you present an interesting comparison of your growth and development as a person and how it relates to your future college community life. I believe that would make an excellent closing statement for your paper :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Scholarship / "Journey to Become a Salad Lover" - QuestBridge Essay [7]

If you can find a way to insert a comment in the introduction about how you seem to have an easy time adjusting to new communities and how, just like a salad, you manage to blend well with others and find a middle ground that you can all bond over, that should help you show rather than tell. Your introduction is good. But somehow the comment about meat does not blend with the rest of the essay. Meat is hard to pair, but you are more of a salad, able to blend with other people in order to deliver an interesting personality and new taste to the community. Do you think you can develop a paragraph along those lines? I think it will work great with the rest of the essay :-) Remember, it is just a suggestion, the option to use it is yours ;-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Scholarship / "Journey to Become a Salad Lover" - QuestBridge Essay [7]

Did someone say "meat?"..

- ... except maybe an orange...
- You can actually skip this part and use the 2nd paragraph as your opening statement. Don't waste your word count on wordy introductions.
- This is a good opening statement. You perfectly summed up your point of view about what your idea of a college community would be like.

When I first came to the U.S...

- old fashioned pair of...
- Good way of serving up an implied answer to the prompt. It makes me want to read more about you.

- Onmy first day... than the ones in Vietnam... Overall ...
- Interesting way of sharing how you have skills that can help to improve racial relations within the campus community :-)

Through teaching, I did not only give others my knowledge but also got a chance to know what they are thinking, too..

- What else can I say except, this is a flawless conclusion to an almost grammatically flawless essay :-)

In answer to your questions:
1. Yes, you answered the prompt very well. Make no mistake about it. This is a well written response essay.
2.I definitely enjoyed reading it and getting to know more about you in the process.
3. Note the comments I made after the quotes. That should help. But overall, it is a very smooth essay with an excellent use of transition words.

4. Note the strikeouts I made. That should help reduce the word count immensely. I would suggest though, that you review the content of your essay and try to discover for yourself which sentences or paragraphs you feel comfortable shortening or deleting. That way you can fix the flow of the essay right after the editing work.

5. Note the mistakes via strikeouts and the corrections I noted beneath the paragraph.
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Undergraduate / "My journey from dark to light" - an accomplishment or event [6]

Your essay is quite long and becomes tedious to read. I edited it for you and shortened it so that it would concentrate only on the essay prompt. I hope that you won't mind the revisions and changes that I made. These are only suggestions for you to follow. The final choice of what to keep or delete is up to you :-) Remember, the first rule of writing an essay response is to KISS it. - Keep It Short Silly :-) Too many words may make it flowery and nice, but does not necessarily add to the content and essence of the paper. That is what i hope to have shown you with the changes I made :-)

Years before writing this essay I was completely out of the way laying miles away from my innate goal, lost in human maze as a typical Third-World Teenager .In this period of time between 13 years old to 16, I lost my vision and I felt like I am in the middle of a long maze. A bitter sense inside my heart says that I will never see Dawn.

- Innate means something inborn so you used the word in the wrong context
- ... felt like I was in the middle...inside my heart said that ...

- My hunger for science, specially physics began early in ... I spent the early years of my life immersed in the world of sciences and physics, living and breathing from moment to moment. .. I designed a mechanical system that perfectly distributed irrigation water within our land. I tried to propose the use of my mechanical arm to the other farmers but did not succeed in getting it financed due to my lack of scientific experience. I believe that this period in my life paved my way towards loftier dreams and projects. While still far from realizing those dreams due to the drawbacks of a half-illiterate society, I found myself losing hope and letting of my dreams. I failed academically in English because I focused on trying to hold on to my dreams related to physics.

- As I slowly succumbed to darkness in other aspects of my life, an avenue of hope and enlightenment came my way. I learned about the U.S. universities and how they welcome students from all over the world. I was impressed by the pioneering research programs the universities had in the world of science. I had finally found the world where I knew I belonged and longed to be accepted in. Finally, I would be able to get my life back on track. I began applying to U.S. universities and waited for the results with great anticipation. But then I began to realize that my disregard towards my English classes just might hold me back from achieving my dreams in the U.S. All because I considered it an optional language and therefore unimportant. Now that I am faced with the challenge of improving my English skills within one year, I have resolved to work hard at accomplish that task. I had enough time to do that. Learning the correct use of the English language would help me fulfill my dreams and achieve my goals. After completing my personal challenge, I am not surer than ever that I am ready for the academic challenges of American universities.

- I had to work and study at the same time in order to earn the money to take the English exams in the capital. I challenged myself to do this because I knew that my future depended upon it. I struggled to find the perfect job that would allow me to study and work in a flawless manner. Little did I know that my epiphanies held the key towards my finding the light in my life. Both the good and bad experiences, the dark and the light, combined to help me reach a level of maturity that i would not have achieved had I not fallen by the wayside. Now, I am more hardworking and responsible than ever. Eager to prove to the world and my family that I am no longer the troubled teen they thought would end up wasted. I now have the ability to prove to them that anybody can come back from the dark side of their lives.
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Experience of performing French drama' - I don't know how to start and if my topic is right [2]

You certainly chose an interesting topic for your essay. It is possible to discuss anything you want since the prompt calls for you to:

describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Performing French drama can definitely fall under this category if you were enrolled in a drama class and French language classes. That way you can use 2 of your personal experiences to explain how the performance helped to shape your dreams and aspirations. But first, ask yourself this, are you applying to acting school? If you are, then go ahead and use that as the subject of the essay. If not, perhaps it would be better if you can use another part of your world that has some sort of connection to the course you are applying for admission to. Another question to consider is; are you clear about what your dreams and aspirations are for the future? What personal experience or personal event happened to you in the past that helped you reach that point? Once you answer those guide questions, you will be able to develop the topic and content of your essay in an almost effortless manner :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Scholarship / Reference letter for scholarship; to whom want to study about international public health [5]

The paper is getting better. I have pointed out further changes that are going to help in finalizing the content of your Q&A. This should shed more light on your experience, ability, and desire to attend higher studies. See if the changes work for you :-)

-While supervising her work... She is tenacious when it comes to carrying out and settling her work goals .. are strong points that will help her make a contribution... passion often impresses people...

- She has the academic background to achieve all that she must in the field of international public health. Her goal has always been to... Her experience working with a little boy from the Philippines who suffered from multiple illnesses inspired her further and made her more determined... She also practiced in many fields of ... such as a health center...

- I can recommend her acceptance into the program based in her natural and academic abilities that can help her accomplish her goals... calmly, she can..

good spirit and passion to make a better tomorrow for all, I am certain the XXX's course of study will be a success.

- She has a good spirit... to make tomorrow better for all ... worldview that she...
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Graduate / The Challenge: Why do you want to be a Physician Assistant? [4]

This new version shows a great improvement over the previous version. You have really considered everything that you want to say in the essay and did your best to express yourself well. But I found just a few more portions that you need to either edit or revise in order to further improve the paper. I hope these changes continue to help you :-)

My choice to seek a career into the healthcare field arose ...
The loss of my maternal grandparents over a period of just six months placed a new challenge in front of me. I had the unexpected role as caregiver

- ... I had an unexpected role as ...
As a nursing assistant in a memory care unit, I was challenged with patients suffering from neurological ...
One day, that became very apparent to me.

- ... I was challenged by my patients ...That became very apparent to me one day.
... remembered the details leading up to the moment the code was called. I waited with the patient until the team could arrive , while his body shook uncontrollably.

- my partner left the room in a panic.I waited with the patient until the team arrived.

Being a physician would afford me the challenges

- Being a Physician Assistant ...

afford me the challenges I am looking for but physicians tend to have limited time for actual patient ...

- ... lookingfor because physicians tend to ...

most appealing to me due to the lifelonglearning challenges

- lifelongpatient-care challenges...

I truly believe physician assistantsto b e the new heart of medical care

- ... assistants are the new...
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Graduate / When one does things as the heart wants thats the time we start living - SOP UCLA Design|Media Arts [5]

First of all, this is a very long and wordy Statement of Purpose. Sadly, all of the words that you wrote did not help show what your purpose is for advanced studies in Design Media Arts. You spent too much time talking about the learning experience you had for your bachelor's degree instead of saying something that directly relates to the purpose of your masters studies.

With the UCLA, MA in Design|Media Arts, I know that I have reached my destination to fulfill my dreams and aspirations of LIVING.
Teaching was one experience of a lifetime when I realized that the work of learning does not stop here, rather, it begins! It goes on forever. Right knowledge with the effective method has to be put across through different mediums so that it reaches out to a large number of people. And the best communicative method in todays time is Digital Media. And by using different learning theories of media design it can lead to making effective communication wherein your ideas and concepts can be taken to a whole new level.

In todays age, gaming and mobile technology is a very important part and I feel that I can use my concepts and skills together in this field to develop different products.
I also, believe that with this ever growing technology and the usage of it in young hands leads to both pros and cons. I feel that Digital media can use an ethical approach of design and can provide a platform for a bigger research and development of greater ideas and concepts . Technologies are tools that society draws upon to do certain things it would not otherwise be able to do. When tools become incorporated in practices it tends to have a more or less determinable impact on those practices.The task of ethics in this case would be to analyze the impact of technology on practices by applying existing or new moral theories to construct guidelines or policies that will 'correct' the injustices or infringements of rights caused by the implementation and use of the particular technology. This process demands a pedagogical framework that has a strong ethical foundation enabling practicing and prospective professionals to cultivate an awareness of, and critical engagement with, value systems, professional codes and social standards, which I believe is present in me.

And I believe I have the right sensibilities towards design and the correct approach for developing an effective communication through the use of technology.

Exploring possibilities and constraints of inherited situations by applying critical thinking through qualitative and quantitative research methods to create new understanding (problem space) toward better design solutions. Redefining specifications of design solutions which can lead to better guidelines for traditional and contemporary design activities(digital media design). Prototyping possible scenarios for better design solutions that incrementally or significantly improve the originally inherited situation. Managing the process of exploring. Articulating the visual relationship between the parts and the whole.

MA in Design|Media Arts will enable me to use my wide knowledge of design and my skills of softwares to be used in the department of communication and technology through digital media design, giving it the appropriate direction that it needs. Helping me define my path through problem solving of the design processes. It will make me explore an unknown world which is yet to be captured. Providing me the wings that I need, using my design sensibilities and creativity in all aspects of design and technology.

It really is the opportunity of my dreams wherein I can acquire the knowledge that I have always yearned for.

I cannot wait to become that expert in this field to work as a talented and a great artist and a researcher with the right sensitivities towards digital media design and the environment. I really faced through lots of difficulties to reach this high summit in my life and I strongly believe that a lot is left for me to offer to this world, to the field of education and design industry. I can tackle with anything that comes my way to reach to this, very delightful part of my life. Become well educated and successful in my career and shine like a diamond.

' The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams'

This is the portion that you should concentrate on for your SOP. This is the only portion of your essay that actually relates to a possible purpose for your masters studies. While you can briefly mention your bachelor's degree and some relevant work experience, you should concentrate more on building the purpose of your application. Some guide questions could be:

1. How is your previous learning experience relevant to this masters program?
2. Why do you think you need to pursue a masters program?
3. How does the masters program fit into your future plans?
4. What plans do you have for your future after the completion of your masters program?

These questions should be able to help guide you towards developing an accurate statement of purpose for your chosen masters program :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE It is hard task to find the best way of exploring and understanding characteristics of a society [4]

Thank you for your kind comments. As for your inquiry about the language you used in the essay, I have to say that you used the English language very well. You have a good grasp of the English language and you are capable of expressing yourself very well in the language. That said, I have to point out that there are still some minor grammar issues within your essay that need to be addressed. These include corrections in the sentence structure, grammar usage, and punctuation marks. However, these errors are minimal and do not affect the overall content of your essay. So don't worry about those for now. If you decide to revise this essay and have it reviewed, I can point out the areas of grammar improvement that you should pay attention to :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / GRE It is hard task to find the best way of exploring and understanding characteristics of a society [4]

It is hard task to find the best way of exploring and understanding characteristics of a society. One can live whole life in one society, but still be unaware of some of its peculiarities. Thus I believe that for understanding one society thoroughly one should investigate its minor countries and small towns along with studying major cities. Studying major cities will help the researcher to get mostly a general picture of a society or particular nation, however living in rural sites will reveal peculiarities of a society which will be hard to notice in major cities.

- Good introduction. But you need to mention the stand that you have taken and will be discussing within the essay towards the end of the statement. This is known as your thesis statement and it sets the tone for the rest of the paper.

Having read the overall content of your essay, I will have to say that aside from having to correct the grammatical and punctuation errors, you managed to discuss your stance quite well. But the problem with your essay is that you failed to anticipate the other side of the argument and then defend your stance based upon that contradiction. This is a requirement of the essay in the portion that says:

ou should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

You pretty much just kept discussing your point of view without considering the opposing argument or point of view. So I suggest that you work that portion into your paragraphs and revise the essay based upon a defensive stance because the opposing statement will help explain and support how you came to the various statements that you have in your essay.
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Ielts: gender equality - behavior of people become different from past to present [4]

It would have been nice if you provided the prompt for this essay so that I can review it based upon the requirements of the prompt. Just the same, I can tell that you have given a lot of thought to what you want to say in relation to the role of women and how it has changed over the past 20 years. Your opinion about how the change in the role of women in the modern world has affected families and society is quite solid and understandable. Your reasoning is sound and logical but still has room for further development if you have the space in your word count to do so. There are also some grammatical and punctuation errors that you should pay attention to. I have listed these important revisions and other advice as follows:

The position of women has changed markedly in the last 20 years..

- You can further expand this sentence by adding the question posed by the essay prompt as a statement. Then offering an idea of your position on the issue and informing the reader that you will discuss your reasons further in the next paragraphs.

As the world evolves, changes and behavior of people also become different from past to present.

-... changes in the behavior...

An example is the gender equality.

- An example of this can be seen in gender equality.

Before, womenare the homemaker and the society did not acknowledged their worth but now communities are open and believed that women can also do jobs like what men does .

- Before women were the homemakers ... their worth.But now... believe that women can do the same jobs as men.

- Nowadays, women still work even though they are married and have a family. Sometimes they do this because they need to augment their family income or they want to help provide a better life and education for their children. Other times, it is simply because a woman is career minded.

-I believe that mothers want to have a comfortable life and help to provide for their family. But sometimes they forget that their children need their love and affection. In such instances, children suffer because their mothers are focused on improving their family life instead of raising and bonding with their children.

- Lack of motherly guidance is blamed for the rise in misguided children because these children receive less attention from their parents. Although, some stay at home mothers still end up neglecting their important role in child rearing, which results in juvenile delinquency

- Therefore, I do not believe that working mothers should receive all the blame for the misconduct of their children. Child rearing requires 2 parents, a mother and a father, both of whom should balance their roles when it comes to child rearing. The environment the child is raised in also influences the kind of conduct the child develops.

- I therefore conclude that working mothers are not to be blamed for juvenile delinquency. As long as a working mother does her part in helping to discipline and raise her children while helping the family improve their income and status in life, then the child will be raised properly. Young people are responsible for their own actions and are influenced by other forces outside of the influence of their parents. Factors such as peer pressure, and adventurism all play a major role in juvenile delinquency.

Please take note of my suggestions corrections and advice in improving the essay. Try to revise the essay based upon my suggested corrections. It is quite possible that you will see a great improvement in the content of your paper :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Graduate / SOCIAL WORK - Yy SOP for Applying MA [4]

This is a good start towards creating an effective Statement of Purpose. However, the way you present your purpose can be further improved. I am making suggestions on how you can best present yourself in your SOP below. I suggest you fix the content first and then we can move on to polishing the message of your sop and then correcting the grammar and punctuation errors in the statement :-)

I believe the role of a social worker is to serve [...] my dream to be an effective social worker.

- This should be your opening statement as it represents your interest in social work and why you want to pursue a masters degree in it.

As, being a social worker one have intervene directly [...] the aid of a Master's Degree in Social Work.

- This should be your second paragraph because it represents your plans for your future as a social worker.Build up the paragraph by mentioning the highlights of your 3 years work experience in social work.

My reasons for choosing Social Work program [...] realize my goal to be an effective social worker.

- This can be your closing statement because it effectively reiterates your reasons for applying for a social work masters degree and how your previous educational attainment will not be a hindrance just because it is not related to social work.

Good luck in revising the paper. I am excited to see how the 2nd draft turns out :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: work for themselves vs work for employer [5]

I do not know which idea I have to choose to develop my essay.

A hundred people will have a hundred ways of answering any essay. Each of them believing that their position or method of answering it is the right and best one. Each one will instruct you on how to do it "properly" which is more often than not, how other people would answer the same question. It gets confusing when you consider all the advice that you receive. I find that the best way to answer any essay comes from understanding the prompt very well and then tailoring my answer to fit the prompt. That said, you need to know that there is no right or wrong way of answering a TOEFL essay. You should just answer the essay in the best way that you know how, in the method or format that you are most comfortable with. That way, you can deliver the answer that you feel best answers the prompt :-) Don't let all the suggestions fill your head and confuse you. The final decision on how to answer the prompt lies within you. That way, you can never go wrong :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Issue Essay Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields [7]

While it is true that the best essays are those discussed from all sides, the prompt also asks you to provide examples that can help you strengthen your argument. Therefore, you will not be out of line when you discuss and develop the essay from a personal experience stand point. The reason I say that is because after you present your personal experience, you can also find loopholes in your own comments and from there, defend your stand. That way you will also end up discussing other points of view in relation to what you expressed.

I believe that this passage from the prompt best explains how you should develop your essay:

In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

What better way to discuss and challenge a stand on a position other when it comes from a personal standpoint? You could ask your friends and classmates to read your essay and question you about your stand. As you defend your essay verbally, you will also learn how to defend it in a written manner. This will help you plug the arguments and attacks from the other side. Of course there is no foolproof stance on anything so expect a lot of arguments regarding your stance when you ask for opinions about it :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl: work for themselves vs work for employer [5]

I understand that there is a 30 minute time limit on writing a TOEFL essay. However, you still need to follow the I-B-C rules when writing an essay. That said, I can offer you the following advice:

Most people want to work for an employer, because they want to feel secure about their salary, or feel comfortable about other problems of having own job such as paying tax, worrying about selling, etc. Despite these problems, personally, I would prefer to have my own job. My arguments are listed as follows.

-You need to develop this introduction. Starting with the main reason why people work. People work because they need to earn money in order to buy things that will help us survive in this world. But there are different methods of earning money. Explain the different reasons people work in different work settings before you launch into the thesis statement that tells the reader that you prefer to work for yourself because of a set of reasons.

First, time is the more valuable thing, which I have in my life. By having my own business, I can manage my own time. I could work whenever I want, or I do not need to give reasons to my boss for a delay. I can arrange time to travel when I would like. In addition, I can work long hours for earning more money. Totally, the most important reason for me to be self-employed is the sense of free.

- You have a very good start here. But you should open immediately with the sense of freedom and better time management that comes with working for oneself. Your reasons are solid but need to be edited for coherence. My suggestion follows.

- I love the freedom that working for myself provides. I manage my own time and thus work longer or shorter hours depending upon my business needs. This offers me a more relaxed working atmosphere that inspires me to better at my job.

Moreover, earning money is the fundamental reason that why people work. The amount of money is always the most important criterion for everyone to choose a job. If I work for other people, I have to give my ideas to employers cheaply. Therefore, I never have been rich in my life, because my salary is not dramatically changed. In spite of many problems of having own business, I can earn more money based on my creativity and personal ideas.

- This is a good statement that should definitely be mentioned. But you can say it better this way:Earning money in order to survive is the fundamental reason people work. By working for myself, I get to keep the company profits instead of having to share it with others. So this work setup allows me to develop a more stable financial situation for myself.

To sum up, in spite of the fact that many people are not eager to work for themselves, I would like to run my own business to control my own time, and to earn more money based on my noble ideas.

- These are the reasons why I would rather be self-employed. It offers me a world of professional growth and opportunities that would be stifled in other work settings.

Truth be told, you should also discuss the reasons why people sometimes opt to work in the other work environments. Just to offer a basis of comparison between your choice of self-employment and the other options. You can do it in every paragraph that you are discussing. After all, the best way to strengthen your argument is to show the weakness of the other arguments :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 8, 2014
Undergraduate / Expectations of Learning Philosophy - UPE Assignment [2]

You really delivered a well thought out philosophy statement. I can see that you did your best to express yourself in the best way possible. So I proof read your paper in such a way that I could help smooth out the rough spots and clarify the confusing points. I hope you approve of the proof reading that I did for you :-)

- These days, education plays an important role in everyone's lives. That is why I believe that education is not just about going to school... This paper will discuss my learning philosophies in terms of an academic education.

There must be also respect to the principles of education.

- ... respect for the principles...

Students have to be responsibleto attend classes and do their homework, studies, and duties of school or university. In addition, they have to be responsible to pay attention in class and never depend on someone else. Also, the professors have to be responsible to deliver the message of the idea they're explaining.

-... responsiblefor attending classes... doing their homework... and their duties to their school or university... be responsible and pay attention in class without having to depend on someone else. ... The professors are responsible for delivering the message of the...

The atmosphere in class has to be calm. There should be no whispering or talking inside the classroom, so everyone can hear each other and is able to get the main idea of the material explained.

- They are responsible for helping students who need help. They need to be able to control their students in class... hear each other and are able to get the main idea of the material being explained.

. This means that there should be no one afraid to speak up and participate whether to share ideas

- ...that students should not be afraid...whether it be to share ideas...

There should be a team work between students themselves and students & professors. Helping one another is a good step to encourage everyone to achieve their goals in learning .

- ... is a good step towards encouraging everyone to achieve their learning goals.

Professors are totally honest and having conscience toward their students

-Professors need to be totally honest but should treat their students with respect just the same.

There are different ways studentsreach and approach learning.

We, students, should be responsible for all duties for school.

- We, as students, should be responsible for all our duties and responsibilities at school.

We have to do what they are asked for .

In addition to our duties, there are expectations of a course

- ... there are other expectations we have to fulfill...But, we also have specific expectations for our classes.

We expectfrom a course to be interesting.

- Sociology concepts and theories remind us that as students, we need to learn how to interact with one another in different social settings so that we can come away with new knowledge about these people

We, students, expect a quiet, safe, and respectful, etc. learning environment.

- We expect a professor to be available during and after class hours to assist us. He or she should be reachable when we need help. He or she should make the class interesting, not necessarily easy. He or she should be able to explain the lessons clearly We expect a degree of cooperation, guidance, and advice. Most specially, we expect to be respected by our professors.

Some students add many things to the learning environment. I will add some lessons to the learning environment through experiences, opinions, and sharing idea

... through my experiences, opinions and sharing of ideas...

When we, students, share our experiences, thoughts, and opinions, we learn from each other

Also, what I have learned all these entire years in school, I can help others with.

- All my years in school have taught me that students can help one another.

We, students , want to achieve many different things in learning environment.

- As students, we want to achieve...

To reach and achieve an academic success,

- I believe that in order for me to achieve academic success...

for my university's duties,

To reach and achieve a successful professional ,

my career path seriously, to be ambitious, to be flexible to express myself and my opinions or point of view freely which I have to improve it , ]to be in a positive attitude[/s[, and to love my career

...

While to be successful in a career , I have to cooperate and collaborate with everyone, to act as a leader, to be honest, to be energetic, to be respectful, to master & manage time, and to be responsible.

- To be successful in my career, I have to cooperate... act as a leader, be honest, energetic, respectful, responsible, and be an excellent time manager.

- Everyone has a different of a good learning environment. A person must be educated either through schools or experience. The principles and values of education are important. But not everything can be learned through books. That is why, regardless of the learning principle applied, people need to learn how to learn from each other and hoe to deal with differences between one another. With these ideas and learning philosophies in mind, I can say that I am truly ready to enroll in a Sociology course.

Good luck with your application !
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / "Pain is temporary...If I quit however, it lasts forever"; UCF Essay 'bump in the road' topic [4]

If you seriously want to use a quote to kick off your essay, then I suggest that you pick another quote first and then revise the content of the paper. It is okay if you go over 250 words during the rewrite. The only way you can reduce the word count is by constantly reviewing the content of your essay so that you can delete unnecessary paragraphs or sentences whenever possible. You can also shorten your paragraphs to a certain degree provided it does not affect the idea being shared in the paragraph. So, here is what you can do. Rewrite the essay and then come back here with the over 250 word count version. I'll be more than happy to help you polish it down to 250 words :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / "Pain is temporary...If I quit however, it lasts forever"; UCF Essay 'bump in the road' topic [4]

Lance Armstrong once said, "Pain is temporary...If I quit however, it lasts forever."

- Lance Armstrong is a disgraced sports figure. It will not be good for you to use any quotes from him. Try to find another quote to use.

Content wise, your story is good but underdeveloped. I would suggest that you offer examples of how this friend of your sister's tried to ruin you and your family in order to shed light on the actions that you took later on. Also, explain why her bullying affected you so much considering that you said you had a tightly knit family. Surely there were other underlying reasons that she got to you so severely. Mention that in order to show how this bump was not some simple obstacle that you had to overcome. Also, I would try to explain more about how you quietly healed yourself. Perhaps also mention if the friend eventually disappeared from your sister's and by connection your family's life.I like the conclusion that you wrote. It shows that the incident helped you mature as a person. If this essay has a 500 word count limit then adding those extra pieces of information should help you reach the maximum count :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / 'Understanding of nuclear power' - Admission Essay [2]

While you present a truly compelling argument in this essay. You failed to answer the prompt on the personal level that it requires. Think of something that is of personal importance to you. Why is it so important to you? Current events and other concerns are too general in nature and opinion to truly have a meaningful effect upon only a single person. But if you wish to discuss something on a general level, it should be for a cause that you believe in. For example, the illegal slaughter of dolphins in Japan. Why are you against illegal slaughter? What have you done to help prevent it? Or perhaps you consider performance arts important in your life. Why? Do you want to become and actor or a singer? Why is it important for you? Pick something about yourself that few people or nobody knows about or realizes that you can do and explain why that is important to you. This essay is all about you, not current events or public understanding.
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / I left my home country Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States [4]

You made good revisions to the paper. But if you won't mind, I will try to show you another way of presenting your ideas that you can freely choose to use if you want to :-)

As a person I have been privilege to have spent the first 17 years of my life learning and interacting with multi-cultural environments.

- I have been privileged to have spent the first 17 years of my life living and learning in a multicultural environment.

I left my home country of Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States in the hopes that I would find a better education as well as a better life.

- I left my home country of Venezuela when I was 10 to come to the United States where I hoped to get a better education and experience a better life.

I attended American school where I experienced the melting pot. Over time, I began to speak English and Spanish and English outdoors.

- I experienced the melting pot both at school and within my community as I began to speak both English and Spanish outdoors.

As I learn a new culture, the old one would eventually disappear.

- I slowly became more American than Venezuelan. My old culture eventually disappeared.

One's a year I scroll back to Venezuela, I spent some time in Venezuelan schools where I see my old friends, wore the typical school uniform, and spoke Spanish wherever I went. But now I was more American than Venezuelan and I had to come to terms with dealing with a culture that I had already forgotten.

- I return to Venezuela once a year. During this time I reconnect with my old friends and visit my old school. I reconnect with my Spanish roots when I am there because I start to speak Spanish again wherever I go. But by this time, I was already more American than Venezuelan so I had to come to terms with living in a culture that I had already forgotten.

However it was not long ago when I found out about how privileged I have been from the start. Since my exposure to diverse culture, I've experienced a significant amount of identical crises. Observing only at the optimistic side of so called 'fortunate' society baptized me as a lucky prodigy, who would shine academically. This approached a pronounced burden, which have bound me to push myself to meet their expectations. Being Venezuelan and yet feeling more comfortable with a foreign culture and the discomfort of an outcast when I visit my home country. Having this sense of pressure continuously places me in a logjam in which am not able to give my 100% for fear of failing myself as well as the others.

- I will admit that although I have been privileged from the start, I still experience my share of identity crises. I began to feel the burden of having people in Venezuela believe that I was some sort of prodigy who could be both Venezuelan and American. This was a burden I was not prepared to take on. But it helped to push me to meet their expectations. I needed to show them that I was still a Venezuelan at heart by being comfortable in a culture that I had long since forgotten. But some of them noticed a difference and this caused me to be an outcast socially in my home country. So I more often than not feel like I have failed those around me because I cannot deliver the old me anymore.

-

About a year ago I had the privilege of attending an English course in Venezuela and talk about my transition to my new culture. I found myself in a very high alert, concerning myself weather they'll accept me or think of me as a haughty person. I told them my story; they were charmed as if they have heard fantasy stories. It was then when I realize how much of a privilege child I was. A stage in my life is about to end and another one soon to begin, I will soon leave Illinois and explore more of what the melting pot has to offer.

- A year ago I returned to Venezuela again. I was given the privilege of speaking to a group of Venezuelan students about my transition to the American culture. I was concerned about how the audience would accept me. Would they think I was a haughty person? Regardless of my concerns, I walked onto the stage and told them the story of my charmed life. As I spoke, I came to realize that the pressure my Venezuelan peers placed on me was because of the fact that I accomplished something that they only wished they could. I had the old story of my Venezuelan life, and the new story of my American life to tell people. Now, I was facing an updated story to my life, that of my life after I leave Illinois for college elsewhere, where my melting pot adventure will continue to prosper.

I hope you can pick up some ideas from the way I approached your story. Feel free to use any portion of it for your essay if you wish to :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Scholarship / Reference letter for scholarship; to whom want to study about international public health [5]

This is a marked improvement over the first version. But I believe that there is still room for improvement. So I suggest that you review the answers once again and try to analyze if you can further improve the statement by adding information or changing some information. I have listed some notes for you to use as a guide :-) Don't be afraid to ask questions if you need to :-)

- I would suggest that you do not talk about your past accomplishments because the question is asking about your future potential. Instead. answer it along the lines of using your past accomplishments to highlight your potential. Something like; "She has displayed a constant potential for community planning and problem resolution which will help her reach her full potential as a leader in international in the future."

First of all, shehad studied

- She has studied...

I bear witness that she can take the good act as a leade

-I have seen her display excellent leadership abilities...
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / 2014 Reed College Entrance Essay (Why Reed) from a perspective Chinese major. [3]

Your command of the English language is commendable. It has helped you construct a very concise and expressive personal statement. Aside from the few grammar corrections that I noticed, and replacement of words for better effect, I cannot fault this paper in any way. I included my comments in my corrections and revisions listed below. Any suggestions for the further improvement of the essay will also be towards the end of the editing list. Congratulations on a job well done :-)

The most glaring reason for why I initially thought Reed would be the best place to further my education was the college's Chinese program.

- The reason I believe that Reed is the best place to further my education is the college's ...

, I was impressed that Reed had the same ideology that I had concerning the language,

- I was impressed that Reed and I shared the same ideology ...

Honestly, I look forward to being a sophomore at Reed and living in the Chinese House.

- This could be a separate paragraph. Explain why you are looking forward to living at Reed and the Chinese House. This will show the extra curricular activities that you may be interested in joining.

I was also pleasantly surprised that Reed stresses the way the individual learns through conversation and collaboration with professors and classmates, rather than focusing on a letter grade to prove understanding.

... surprised to learn that Reed...

does not accurately assessthe attainment of knowledge

- ... assess their attainment...

After visiting Reed and gaining perspective, I cannot wait to be able to pursue knowledge for knowledge's sake and not for the 'A' or 'passing grade'.

- Excellent statement!

Continually, it is demonstrated that the population and those representing us do not support women's, queer, immigrant, or minority rights.

- Those areas and its representatives have continuously demonstrated that they do not support...

perceived as an invasive species in your home

- ... in your new homeland .

community and tolerance

- acceptance is the more politically correct term to use here.

a place that I can truly feel at home because itallows me to study

- ... place where... because I will be allowed to study...

As an afterthought, I was wondering if you could add a statement about why you want to be a Chinese major. That way you can further tie in your personal reasons for feeling rejected in Florida and the south with your desire to learn more about the Chinese by majoring in it. What are your future career plans? How does it help your career growth in the future? I am not asking you to convert this essay into a statement of purpose. I just want you to provide the admissions officer with an overview of your personal reasons for pursuing this course. I am sure it will be interesting to discover :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / I come from a small but modern city in Asia called Hong Kong - personal statement UW-Madison [2]

This is a very solid personal statement that clearly defines your character and its strengths and weaknesses. You obviously gave great thought as to how you wanted to present yourself on paper and it came through brilliantly. I spotted some grammatical errors and punctuation errors so I decided to point it out to you. I also tried to enhance some of your sentence for thought clarity. I hope you don't mind :-)

It was the city that I used to think that it was my whole world,

the people around me wereall strangers and I didn't understand the language

It was frightening to me,

- ...frightening for me...

I regretted of the immature decision that I've made but my parents'expectation on me were the motivation that helped me overcome everything.

- ... expectations of me were all the motivation I needed to overcome...

Therefore, I carried my braveness and challenged my limits.

- So I told myself that I needed to be brave and challenge myself when it came to my limitations.

I met exchange students and volunteers from all over the world, we exchanged cultures,

- the world . We ...

I learnt that to communicate with others was not only about the language, more importantly, we need to be sincere.

- I learned that communicating with others required not only being able to speak the same language, but sincerity as well.

To be away from my beloved ones was not easy also and there were time that I felt lonely and sad, but I learnt to be open and share my feelings with the new friends that I made .

- Being away from my loved one was not easy. I felt lonely and sad. But by learning to open myself up to other people, I made friends and experienced other things that helped me overcome my sense of homesickness.

hen, I have chosen to continue my education in the USA in order to explore the world even more.

- It was that realization that led me to challenge myself to study in the U.S. This will be another chance to learn and explore another part of my world.

During my exchange year, I have gained life-long experiences and discovered the courageous and adventurous side of me. It wasn't just a year in my life, instead, it's a life in a year.

- If I learned anything else during my exchange year, it was that life-long experiences can only be gained by leaving your comfort zone. Learning is all about adventures, challenges, and courage to try the unknown. This was a new side of myself that I had only begun to discover. This was no longer just a year in my life. It was my life over a year. /

Ilook to UW-Madison for its unparalleled reputation in terms of the quality of students, faculty and education as well as great potential for intellectual growth, challenge and cultivation of leadership qualities .

- I hope to continue my life adventures at UW-Madison because of the university's reputation for friendly students, a caring faculty, and high educational standards. I know that I will be challenged in terms of intellectual growth and my potential as a leader will be further challenged in order to enhance my personal qualities.

vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / "Tall Dreams, Short Arms" - QUESTBRIDGE Bio Essay [6]

Wonderful! Extremely well written and thought out. This is certainly a paper that could get a grade of 12 out of 12. The way you used imagery and vivid descriptions to relate your story helped to keep me glued to the very end of the essay. I can only imagine what it will be like for an admissions officer to read it. You tell an excellent story of personal growth and overcoming obstacles, both private and public in a manner that makes you an admirable person and a model to others who may be suffering the same ordeal as you. I applaud the way that you revised this paper. It is perfect just the way it is. I would not change a word of it. In my opinion, this is definitely ready to be forwarded to the university of your choice for their consideration :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Smokers jeopardize also the people nearby them - it's clear that banning of smoking will be prudence [5]

I'll include my comments and suggestions per paragraph :-)

- Excellent introduction. I commend you for being able to understand the requirements of the prompt and actually placing a thesis statement at the end of it.

- ... reasons. It could be that they are caving in to peer pressure, or, because they believe the suggestions of some smokers that smoking is a good way to relieve stress. Either way... Aftercareful consideration of the question...

- ...the people nearby are also affected as well.Studies have proven... passive smokers deteriorate their life...A passive smoker is any person who... himself .They are commonly known as second hand smokers . It is believed that second hand smoke can trigger terrible Asthma attacks non-smokers. By preventing public smoking, the illnesses caused by second hand smoke can be prevented.

- By forbidding... lack of rubbish bins in certain... and the apathetic nature of some smokers when it comes to their surroundings... cigarettes are haphazardly thrown away. This also causes additional clean up work for the public sanitation officers. Therefore, by outlawing public smoking, we will preserve the environment in a healthy manner and lessen the public littering problem as well.

- Outlawing public smoking may also help save the lives of smokers since they can no longer smoke just anywhere, anytime. They will be forced to undergo nicotine withdrawal and be forced to face up to and deal with their addiction. But, since the government needs to make sure that those who wish to smoke, as it is their human right to choose to do so, have a place to light up, they will be forced to compromise with the smokers and allot public smoking areas for them instead.

- ... ... so that people By assigning designated smoking corners... people reacting negatively due to ... dispose of their cigarette butts could... banning of smoking has heavier benefits than consequences.

This is a well developed and thoroughly discussed essay. Once some corrections are applied to the paragraphs, it is sure be become even better :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Scholarship / Reference letter for scholarship; to whom want to study about international public health [5]

I was wondering if you were instructed to answer the questions in question and answer form? Are you sure that these questions are not to be answered in a continuously flowing paragraph format known as an essay? You did say this is supposed to be a reference letter right? Somehow the format that you used for the letter is all wrong. You need to change the format to letter format instead of question and answer. Until I find out if you should have this in essay form, I will consider the Q&A format to be the requirement and review / revise your answers in the same format. I trust that you know how to convert the Q&A answers into essay form if necessary :)

-I was the supervisor of XXX for one year. Under my supervision, she worked towards the improvement of health problems... Her approach to problem analysis... She has accumulated a vast amount of knowledge and clinical experience both in the field and in a hospital setting. I am sure that her advanced graduate school studies will assist her in gaining more knowledge regarding her chosen profession. I know that when combined with her already existing knowledge and experience, she will be one of the best in her field.

- The answer to this question should relate to your work experience and how the person referring you believes that you have the potential to succeed and acquit yourself well in your chosen profession in the near future. The answer that was provided does not totally answer the prompt.

- The question is asking how your past academic experience relates to your interest in graduate studies. It is not asking about your practical or hands on experience.

- If the reference writer is a person you closely worked with, then the answer to this should be reflected in his or her observations of you as a worker. The answer must highlight your accomplishments as a worker and leader. How do you treat the patients? Do you go out of your way to make sure they are comfortable? What example of leadership can she mention about you? That is what this letter requires as an answer.

I hope you can clarify the format requirement for this letter before you revise it. It will be best if you have the actual letter already written when you post it for review. That way the reasons behind the guide questions will become more evident and easy to identify within the letter.
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / The art of learning- Stanford- What matters to you most and why [6]

I am very pleased to say that you did a very good job on this essay. You successfully answered the prompt. Not only that, but you also gave a very insightful explanation as to why you value art so much. The fact that you were able to explain it beyond contentment, drawing on the way you use art to connect with people is just something that makes your response very special. You should be very proud of the way you wrote this paper. Although there are some grammatical errors, your sentiments and desire to create art for your personal and other people's happiness shines through. If have not exceeded the word count limit and still have place to expand upon your explanation, I suggest you do so. There is truly more room to express your love for art in your paragraphs :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / The art of learning- Stanford- What matters to you most and why [6]

I can see from your response that you understand what is being asked and you answered as truthfully as possible. Don't judge your answer by the answers other people gave. Everyone has different answers to the same prompt. From what I can gather from what you wrote, what matters most to you is the contentment that you feel when creating art. That should be the focal point of your essay. What matters most to you? Your answer is "the content feeling I get from creating art." Now comes the next question, "Why do you feel that way about creating art?" Consider those your guide questions in answering the paper. Do not stray from the prompt and guide questions. Don't mention irrelevant topics such as your Breaking Bad sentence. Highlight the importance of art in your life instead. That will answer the essay prompt :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / Going to other countries to work or study is a optimistic indicator about globalization. [2]

I would like to suggest that you mention globalization at the start of the essay as one of the factors that students and workers consider when going abroad for work or study. Then you can explain how globalization seems to be so enticing to these people and then they move to another country and realize that their decision has both advantages and disadvantages. Then in the next paragraphs, you can begin to discuss those specific reasons.

- You can build on your introduction using my suggestion above.
- ...an increase in groups of people who plan to study and ...
- Foreign countries are wonderful places where one can expand his horizons through learning new cultures and taking advantage of opportunities available to foreigners in the country. But such opportunities come with a degree of difficulty.

It is a common knowledge that.

- Use a transition statement to introduce this new topic.
- It is common knowledge that working abroad provides a rare experience and special opportunity that not everyone has. . Working abroad offers an opportunity to learn the latest trends in industrial and technological concepts. Staying in the modern countries ensures a work experience that will allow a transfer of information once the person returns to his homeland to work.

- Do not talk about education. The essay prompt specifically asks you about the advantages and disadvantages of working abroad.

- While there are benefits to working abroad. One will have to overcome homesickness, discrimination, language barriers,safety issues when working in security lax countries, and other work or socially related issues that could affect a person emotionally and mentally. These disadvantages cannot be helped because it is part of the work experience abroad and helps one to become a better person.

- You lack a paragraph that discusses the issue of globalization and its positive and negative effects on overseas workers. You need to have a paragraph discussing that in order to have your last paragraph about globalization make any sense or have any connection to the essay discussion.

I have offered some suggestions on how to improve your essay. I assume this is your first draft and you have time to revise it. You must discuss the advantages and disadvantages of working abroad more thoroughly. This will require you to do some simple research on the matter. This will help you make more solid arguments when discussing both sides. After you complete the second draft, and the review shows that the content of the essay has improved and met the essay prompt, we can move on to helping you clean up the grammatical problems the essay may contain :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS : 'We should have choice to play' - dangerous sports should be banned? I disagree. [3]

You need to present a better introduction to the topic. You say that the opinion of the people about the ban on dangerous sports is debatable. Why do you see it as debatable? What are some points of concern on the side of those supporting the ban that seem valid to you? End the introduction with your thesis statement about presenting reasons that the sport should not be banned.

Aside from some punctuation and grammatical problems with your essay, you present very good, common sense reasons to support your stand. I understand that this essay probably has a word count which is why your explanations are so short and to the point. It will be good if you can review and revise the essay to strengthen you stance using additional information if possible. In the meantime, please allow me to point out some grammar problems with the essay that need to be corrected.

Some people love both doing and watching dangerous sports such as F-1 or boxing even though it sometimes take their lives away. Sometimes it is said that dangerous sports should be forbidden, and this is debatable.

- would strengthen this introduction this way: Even though dangerous sports can result in deaths, some people love to not only watch, but also engage in the sport. It is because of the high possibility of injury and death in sports such as boxing and mixed martial arts that some people support a ban on dangerous sports. I beg to differ. I do not believe dangerous sports should be banned.

It is true that players who do some sport like boxing have higher possibility to die than other sports. And because fans want to see more exciting fight, players are forced to show performances that are really dangerous. Even though they do not die, it definitely hurt their body.

- The rate of injuries in dangerous sports remains high but these injuries do not often lead to deaths. Only hurt bodies. These injuries often result from exciting fights that players put on for the entertainment of their audience.

However I believe that those sports should not be banned with some reasons. Firstly we should have right to choose. Player knows it has high risk if they play, but they are playing. It is their responsibility. My cousin played boxing, and he broke his leg, but he did blame nobody because he knows he is likely to get injury of he did, but he loved it. They are not forced to play but they choose. They love doing that.

- Remember that playing dangerous sports is covered by the human right to choose. That is the main reason why I do not support the ban on dangerous sports. Each player has the option to not play the dangerous sport and yet he chooses to. They know the risks involved and they play because they love the game.

Secondly, every sport has their rules that try to avoid too dangerous act so that no one die or cheat. Sometimes they die, but it is really rare. All players absolutely follow the rules. They are not trying to kill each other, they are competing under the rules. Moreover every sport has risks in some extent, and it is difficult to say which is okay and which is not.

- Dangerous sports are covered by rules and regulations that make the sport safe to play. But these rules cannot prevent injury or death. It is a calculated risk the players decide to take. Only on very rare occasions do dangerous sports result in deaths simply because the guidelines are there to protect the players. They compete but do not try to kill each other.

You have a very good closing statement there. You should try to develop it a little more if possible. I hope you won't mind that I almost rewrote the essay for you. I wanted you to see how the essay could flow better once you are able to present your evidence in a proper and coherent manner. I hope this helps :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once. COMMON APP [6]

This is definitely a much better version.

In answer to your questions:
- Yes, it is alright to use the word "screwed up" in the essay. The word is used to describe certain things and is totally acceptable in non-formal essays such as this one.

- While the topic of sexual assault can be uncomfortable to read about, you did not launch into any graphic details that would put the reader in an uncomfortable position. In fact, you discussed it as part of a life changing event that produced offshoots which eventually helped you come to certain realizations about yourself.

- You answered the prompt. The essay asked you to tell the reader something about yourself that would not normally be found in your personal statement or statement of purpose. This essay shows your development as a person and the strength of your character. It is a very good, strong, and admirable essay in my opinion. I hope my extra edits and comments help you further perfect the next version of the paper. I believe you are still within the word count :-)

NOTE: I would like to suggest that you change the title of your essay though. It is still unclear how life happened slow and then all at once for you throughout the essay. I would rather title this something like "Lessons Learned by a Forgotten Child" or something more fitting towards the forgotten child discussion and the personal development you experience later on.
vangiespen   
Sep 7, 2014
Undergraduate / I left my home country Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States [4]

Okay. To start off, this essay is quite confusing. You seem to be trying to talk about many topics all at once. If you want to talk about your difficulty in assimilating into American culture when you first arrived, then talk about that. Or talk about the difficulty of going back to school in Venezuela after spending years in the United States. You can't discuss both in disconnected sentences. You also have incomplete sentences that do not have any subject at all. I feel that you need to go back an revise the content of this paper. But I would be remiss if I did not point out the areas where you can improve upon the essay. Let me list it down for you with suggestions and comments:

As a person I am privilege to spend the first 17 years of my life learning and interacting with multi-cultural environments.

- ... I have been privileged to have spent the first...

Rather than noticing my potential I saw myself as an outcast of society, never truly fitting in any of them, individuals judging me for been different but never did they or I truly notice full potential of my fortunate life.

- This comment from you does not support your previous sentence. First you said you were privileged, now you are saying that it was a negative experience? Which is it? You cannot be both.

I left my home country Venezuela when I was 10 and came to Illinois, United States in hopes I would have a better education as well as a better life.

- I left my home country of Venezuela when I was 10... in the hope that I would...

I attended American school where I experience for the first time the melting pot

- ... where I experienced the...

With time I was Speaking English in school Spanish at home and span/English outdoors .

- Over time, I began to speak English in school and Spanish and English outdoors.

This interaction with languages and culture often lead me to think that as I learning a new culture an old one would eventually diminish

--- as I learned a new culture, the old one would eventually disappear.

Struggle every day was shown in school as well as home; eventually communicating came to be from something unorthodox to an everyday situation .

- I struggled to communicate in the correct language everyday in school and at home

Every now and then I would

- This is an incomplete sentence. What are you trying to say here? Complete it.

After many years every time I go to Venezuela I see my old friends, going to school with the typical Venezuelan uniform, talking Spanish in the plaza. Margin once again with my native society was difficult and almost impossible. Feeling unfamiliar and to an extreme an outcast,

- This is a very confused sentence. You cannot say after many years every time I go Venezuela. Those are 2 different sentences with 2 different meanings. Let me try to fix it for you.

- After many years. I began to go home to Venezuela again. I spent some time Venezuelan schools where I saw my old friends, wore the typical school uniform, and spoke Spanish wherever I went. But now I was more American than Venezuelan and I had to come to terms with dealing with a culture that I had already forgotten.

Feeling unfamiliar and to an extreme an outcast,

- Another incomplete sentence. You need to complete the thoughts as you write them.

Since my exposure to diverse culture, I've experienced a significant amount of identical crises. Being Venezuelan and yet feeling more comfortable with a foreign culture and the discomfort of an outcast when I visit Venezuela. Observing only at the optimistic side of so called 'fortunate' society baptized me as a lucky prodigy, who would shine academically. This approached a pronounced burden, which have bound me to push myself to meet their expectations. Having this sense of pressure continuously places me in a logjam in which im not able to give my 100% for the fear of failing myself as well as the others.

- I believe the essay would flow better if you merged the information in this sentence into your concluding paragraph. That is because you speak of the privilege that you feel at being able to attend American schools among other things.

However it was not long ago when I found out about how privileged I have been from the start. About two years ago I had the privilege of going to English course in Venezuela and talk about my transition to a new culture as well as knew language. I found myself in a very high alert, concerning myself weather they'll accept me or think of me as a haughty person.
I was shock to see the outcome, people accepted me for who I am. Blind by fear was I that I forgot what I am made of. I told them my story; they were charmed as if they have heard fantasy stories. It was then when I realize how much of a privilege child I was. A stage in my life is about to end and another one soon to begin, I will soon leave Illinois and explore more of what the melting pot has to offer

- It is really possible to merge the sentiments that you felt in the previous paragraph with this one. Concentrating on the talk that you had to give and how your past experiences made you fear giving the speech and then eventually realizing that you had nothing to fear at all. You can explain that having overcome that fear, you are not ready to learn more about your new culture and will accept that it has to blend with your old culture as well.

I did not make any grammar revisions to the last 2 paragraphs because I feel that you need to revise it in order to make the topic and the end result of the paragraph clearer. Instead of 2 more paragraphs, you should have only1 paragraph that successfully transitions its final sentences into a conclusion. I hope my advice helps you. Good luck with your revision :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 6, 2014
Undergraduate / For me, life happened the same way you fall asleep... Slowly, then all at once. COMMON APP [6]

You say that life happened for you slowly then all at once. You need to further detail how that happened for you. What was life like before you turned 12? That is the "slow part", everything after that, is the" all at once" part.

-I think you can further develop this sentence. It is your introductory statement so this is your chance to define the topic that you will be discussing. Was your birthday forgotten by the family members? What occurred specifically to make you realize you were becoming forgotten? You should explain further about what the definition of a "forgotten" child is and why you feared becoming one.

Being brought up as the "forgotten" child I was forced to be an adult at the age of 12.

- How so? What did you have to do for yourself that only adults were supposed to go? This is your chance to explain how your life happened all at once.

-I am not sure how this relates to the effects of your being a forgotten child. I suggest you connect this experience or the reasons this occurred with the forgotten child image and the troubled family relationship you previously discussed.

I started back talking to my now best friend of 8 years .

- There was no reason or buildup that needed this sentence. You can skip it.

Personally, I feel that you did answer the prompt and provided a good example of how you grew up without parental guidance and the pitfalls that occurred related to that. My comments in green should help you develop the essence of the essay further. Towards the conclusion, you should show how you have either repaired or not repaired your broken family relationship. How has your current relationship with your parents affected your idea that you are a forgotten child? While the religious discussion and loving oneself is important to the theme of your paper, you need to let the reader know where you are on a family level as well. There are grammatical and punctuation errors that can be overlooked for now as I am sure you will want to revise this paper to become a better reflection of yourself and what happened to you. I believe you have a great story to tell and that others can learn from it. Please let us read your revision when you have done it :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 6, 2014
Undergraduate / Travelling alone gave me the opportunity to explore the world in different aspects; UW-Madison essay [3]

This is a good essay. You responded in great detail to the prompt and showed a side of you that would not be seen or talked about in the personal statement or statement of purpose. However, you have some grammatical errors in the papers which are mostly related to your tense usage. You need to speak about everything that you did in past tense because you have already done the activities and learned about the cultures in the past. I have also noted some other corrections and suggestions for you:

Ever since I was a child, my parents love traveling with me. At those ages, I would define traveling as a way to have fun and enjoy a holiday. As I grow up and became a teenager, I began to travel alone. While traveling with family, friends or a significant other can be a lot of fun, traveling solo gave me an opportunity to learn a new definition for traveling.

- You could restate this statement more clearly this way: My parents loved traveling with me from an early age. It was because of my early travels with them that I learned about travel in a fun and enjoyable way. I continued to travel into my adulthood, sans my parents. While I continued to travel with other family members, friends, and loved ones, I associated a new meaning with travel, that of learning.

When I am on my own in the journey, I became eager to meet new people and make new friends

- When I travel alone, I am always eager to meet and make friends with new people.

Through talking to other travelers and locals, I learnt about different cultures which amazed me with their uniqueness.

- By traveling and dealing with the locals, I learned unique things about the culture of the people in the country I visited.

In countries like Germany and Switzerland, I really like their lifestyle and how they balance their daily lives. During weekdays, they would work hard to finish their work and during weekends, they would have activities, such as hiking or family gathering to relax themselves after a busy week. In countries like China and Japan, I admire their efficiency in work. After experiencing different cultures, I would try to learn the good perspectives of it and apply them to improve myself. Sometimes, it may be very different from my own cultures, but I am open to change.

- I enjoyed visiting Germany and Switzerland because I learned how to balance work and play from their people. These people work hard all week and enjoy the weekends through different activities such as hiking and having simple family gatherings where everyone can relax after a long week of work. In China and Japan, I learned about work efficiency. My exposure to these various cultures gave me deeper insights and perspectives into our world and how the culture and tradition of a nation helps to develop a person. These visits taught me that I need to be open to and accepting of change in order to blend well with the local culture.

Another big influence to me was to challenge my fears. Without my parents beside me, I needed to be independent and self-reliant. When I traveled alone in a place that I was unfamiliar with, I was terrified by the unknown. Therefore, I learnt that I must read and do research before I travel which made me understand that being well-prepared is really important. Moreover, I must be brave to start a conversation with strangers that may not share the same language as me in order to seek help. Now, I've developed a new interest, to learn different language

- Traveling alone made me face my fears. I became independent and self - reliant even in placed where I was unfamiliar with the culture and did not know anybody. I learned how to do research prior to my travel in a foreign land in order to ensure my safety and enjoyment. I had to better prepare for travel by learning important phrases in foreign tongues and I learned how to deal with the people I would be coming across by learning a little about their culture beforehand.

Traveling solo may seem lonely and frightening to others, but if I have not taken that step, I would never get to know the strong, adventurous and courageous side of me. Traveling alone gave me the opportunity to explore the world in different aspects, understand different cultures, challenge and overcome my own fears. It is more than just a regular vacation, it is an adventure.

- While I used to fear traveling alone like the others, I no longer do so. Traveling helped me develop a stronger personality, a sense of adventure, and courage to face the unknown. Traveling alone has allowed me to explore the world, understand different cultures, and overcome challenges or fears. Travel now means more to me than just a regular vacation, it means taking a learning adventure about life.

I noted my suggestions in green because I felt that your essay could have been better worded and edited instead of simply correcting your grammatical errors. I hope you will agree that the essay flows and reads better this way :-)
vangiespen   
Sep 6, 2014
Graduate / 'I decided to study in Germany' - Motivation Letter for Master Aeronautical [15]

; to challenge the restraints of both modern pioneering and myself.

- I would suggest you change this to "challenge the restraints of modern space engineering and myself". You cannot challenge modern pioneering because to pioneer means to begin. You cannot challenge a beginning. You can only improve upon it. Perhaps it would be best if you had this later part of the sentence refer to your desire to create pioneering work in space engineering instead. That way you can present ideas as to how you plan to challenge yourself in order to achieve the status of a pioneer engineer in the field.

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