Writing Feedback / International tourist destinations between 1995 and 2010 is depicted in the line chart [3]

Hi faiz.
first of all, another time when you want to upload the task 1 essay, please remember to add the picture in order to make us easy as your reader reading your essay.

... represented by France that GOT almost threefold larger (...) had the same value withAS USA in 2010

one important note that you should bear in mind is providing such introductory sentence to let the readers know that the 'thing' which is experiencing 'went up, increased , etc' is not Malaysia or others BUT the figure for them or the number of them.

lastly, it would be better if you group them by the year instead of the country. Because in task one, we are being asked to use language of comparison, or in another word, compare them.

Writing Feedback / How many international tourists arrived in Brazil, Egypt, Malaysia, France, and USA (1995-2010) [2]

... destination whereas Brazil was the least. SHOWED THE REVERSE. (INSTEAD OF USING THE SAME PATTERN OF ALL SENTENCES, YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT ANOTHER ONE).

the one which is experiencing an increase is the number of the tourists, not the country it self, so you need to put it in the beginning of the sentence in order to avoid misunderstanding.

you do not need to go detail but please use appropriate data.
... while the others were around 30.
they are not around 30, but France.
you can alter it to -> ....while others started the year with below 35 millions holiday makers.

the highest position as THE same as the USA at

Writing Feedback / International tourists coming to five different countries, measured in millions [2]

... for international tourists coming in five (...) period of 15 years,STARTED IN 1995, is shown in ...

around 70 million visitors comeCAME to the USA while the figure ofFOR France stood at around a half of that amountIT .

FURTHERMORE , There was a steady growth (...) and Egypt remained the same belowUNCHANGE WHICH WAS BELOW 25 MILLIONS HOLIDAY MAKERS. .

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the figure for generating electricity using many sources in two distant countries [3]

... even though there was a HUGE difference in TERMS OF MAJOR electricity SOURCES they used.

YOU NEED TO MENTION THE COUNTRY FIRST HERE -->
In 1980, coal was used to ...
TRY THIS -> IN 1980. THE MOST COMMON SOURCE TO GENERATE ELECTRICITY FOR NEW ZEALAND'S PEOPLE WAS COAL. HAVING......

... falling from 7 to 2 units.
IN ADDITION, WHILE GERMANY USED A SMALL NUMBER OF UNITS OF HYDROPOWER IN BOTH YEARS, NEW ZEALAND SAW THE REVERSE WITH 30 AND INCREASED 46 UNITS RESPECTIVELY IN THE NEXT 30 YEARS.

PLEASE AIM YOUR SELF TO FINISH THE ESSAY WITH 165 WORDS.

Writing Feedback / Numbers of power generation in two countries in 1980 and 2010, provided by the pie chart [6]

... on source in both NEW ZEALAND AND GERMANYof countries in 1980 and 2010 AS A PROJECTED YEAR, A 3-DECADE PERIOD is provided by pie charts.

..nd was coal(COMMA) and this country did not use nuclear as sourcein both of frame time . However, Germany was able to utilise UTILIZE nuclear IT as THE MAJOR source OF to produce electricity in ...

In 1980, using coal
producing electricity city
utilising coal in New Zealand
THEY ARE USING THE SAME PATTERN. TRY TO USE THE DIFFERENT PATTERNS..

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, the majorty of children are facing a huge pressure rather than in the past [3]

Dear Septia.

I have read your essay fully, and yes, you have addressed the question effectively. However, some grammatical errors come up and reduce the perfection of your essay. It seems to me that you are having a problem with past and past participle form of 'teach'. So, here we go, 'teached' is not the second form of 'teach', but taught. Teach-taught-taught.



Then, the phrase to say 'as far as i concerned" is also wrong, but 'as far as I AM concerned' is the true.

good luck.

Writing Feedback / Young people are often asked for participating for the development of communities as a volunteer [2]

Dear Septi.

Overall, it is a good essay despite some corrections.
First.


PARTICIPATE --> IN
Second.
You third paragraph or the second body is less explanation. It needs more reason WHY you think that this activity can expand their knowledge or HOW this activity can expand their knowledge.

Good Luck.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 about very bad lifestyle in effect on well-being and obligations of different parties [2]


In this day and age, education institutions and parents are having a tremendous responsibility for overcoming problem related to the unhealthy lifestyle of their children. In my perspective; however, the one who should pay more attention to the health of them is the juvenile it self, especially when it comes to a healthy-balanced diet.

Writing Feedback / High competition with other people makes parents to force their children to success - a big pressure [4]

Dear Beauty17
I have read your essay fully and i come up with several suggestions that i hope you should take into consideration.
First of all, you have used word 'children' excessively. It would be better to alter it with other words which have the same meaning as it. Youths, sons or daughters for example. Since it describes that you are lack of vocabulary, so please avoid repetition.

Secondly, you have to focus on how to develop the idea coherently, i mean here is the way you arrange the structures of your sentences are not looked like academic-written style. This is due to the fact that you did not put order to your sentence. The first body paragraph is the perfect example for this, it is far better if you explain the idea of academic pressure in the first, the followed by second, and third to simplify that you really arrange your sentence orderly.

Good Luck

Writing Feedback / What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce them? [3]

HOWEVER, THERE IS A PERFECT SOLUTION THAT CAN BE TAKEN TO STOP THIS CONTINUOUS PRESSURE, IT IS BY MODIFYING THE CURRICULUM. IT IS PROVEN BY THE REPORT FROM CNN THAT SHOWS ALMOST ALL SCHOOLS IN PURWEKERTO (ONE OF THE REGIONS IN INDONESIA) HAVE ALTERED THE EDUCATION SYSTEM TO BE MORE FLEXIBLE THANKS TO THE GOVERNMENT COMMAND. THIS OBLIGATES STUDENTS TO ATTEND THE CLASS ONLY 5 DAYS IN A WEEK WITH 6 HOURS LEARNING DURATION PER DAY. THE RESULT IS AMAZING, THE WELL-BEING OF THE STUDENTS INCREASE SIGNIFICANTLY SINCE THE FIRST YEAR APPLIED, AND THE PERCENTAGE OF ABSENTEEISM EXPERIENCES A DOWNWARD TREND. ALL OF THESE IMPROVEMENTS IS BECAUSE OF THE LESS PRESSURE GIVING BY SCHOOL.

Writing Feedback / Parents and technology influence, and it's impact on kids' stress [2]

WHEN WE STEP BACK TO THE 70'S ERA, CHILDREN AT THAT TIME WERE MORE LIKELY TO BLEND WITH OTHER PEERS BY PLAYING AT THE PARK OR OTHER PUBLIC FACILITIES, IT IS DIFFERENT FROM THE NOWADAYS' KIDS WHO ARE HAVING A TREMENDOUS INTENTION TO CUT THEIR SOCIAL LIFE BY USING TECHNOLOGICAL DEVICE. IT SEEMS ACCEPTABLE TO UTILIZE SOPHISTICATED TOOLS SINCE IT CAN HELP THEM IN ACADEMIC SECTOR. YET, IN TERMS OF SOCIAL, THEY ARE SUFFERED FROM IT. THIS IS AGREED REASONABLY BY SARLITO SARWONO (A PROFESSOR AND PSYCHOLOGIST IN THE UNIVERSITY OF INDONESIA) WHO CONCLUDED IN HIS 2012 RESEARCH FINDING THAT SOCIAL PRESSURE IS COMING TO THE CHILDREN WHO ARE HOLDING CELLPHONE EXCESSIVELY, SINCE IT WILL BE HARD FOR THEM TO BUILD EYE-TO-EYE COMMUNICATION WITH THEIR FRIENDS IN THE REAL LIFE CONDITION. BY HAVING SO, THE ONLY WAY TO PREVENT THIS WORRYING PROBLEM IS BY AVOIDING THE YOUTHS TO RELY ON THEIR GADGET, AND FORGETTING ABOUT THEIR REAL LIFE.

Writing Feedback / MANY EDUCATIONAL METHODS to create different alternatives suitable for children. [2]

DEAR FAIZ.
AS SEEN HERE, YOU CLEARLY NEED MORE IMPROVEMENT IN GIVING EXPLANATION, IT IS SHOWN BY THE FIRST BODY PARAGRAPH OF YOURS.

TO BEGIN WITH HOME-BASED EDUCATION. IT IS ONE OF THE BEST METHODS TO EDUCATE CHILD. THIS IS BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR TEACHING CHILDREN MORE ARE THEIR PARENTS. THE PERFECT REASON FOR THIS OPINION IS OWING TO THE FACT THAT THE FATHERS AND MOTHERS HAVE ALREADY KNOWN BETTER REGARDING THE PURE PERSONALITY AND THE PASSIONATE OF THEIR CHILDREN, EVEN THEIR STRONGEST POTENTIAL THAN OTHERS (TEACHERS). BY HAVING SO, PUPILS ARE ABLE TO BE MORE DEVELOPED BECAUSE THEY ARE STUDYING ACCORDING TO THEIR WILLINGNESS AND AWARENESS. THE SECOND REASON IS DUE TO THE CONVENIENT AND INTENSIVE FACTORS. HOME SCHOOLING OFFERS THE PLEASANT FEELING OF THE STUDENTS SINCE IT IS HELD IN THEIR HOME WHERE THEY ARE NOT WORRYING ABOUT OVERLOAD-CLASS CONDITION WHICH IN SOME CASES WILL DISTRACT THEIR CONCENTRATION. MOREOVER, RELATED TO THE INTENSIVE FACTOR, THEY CAN ASK OR DISCUSS WITH THEIR PERSONAL TUTOR WITHOUT HAVING TO SHY.

Writing Feedback / Perspective of Homeschooling and General School for Children Education [2]

Dear Linda.
Its is a good essay actually. Yet, please pay more attention to the question. You are being asked to discuss the advantages of both views (either home schooling or general schooling), AND GIVE YOUR OWN OPINION. The last question is not answered by this essay and this will lead your task achievement to 5 since it is only partially answered.

To begin with THE PROPONENTS WHO STAND ON THE LINE WITH THE ADVANTAGES OF HOMESCHOOLING, IT IS SAID THAT THIS IS MORE BENEFICIAL FOR CHILDREN TO LEARN AT HOME WITH PERSONAL TUTOR SINCE THEY CAN BE EASILY OBSERVED REGARDING THEIR UNDERSTANDING AND IMPROVEMENT IN EVERY SINGLE SUBJECT SPECIFICALLY THAT CANNOT BE GAINED BY THE STUDENTS IN GENERAL SCHOOL

Writing Feedback / A curriculum has been designed to fit students' requirement in line with their ages [3]

Dear Ifra
Please consider this.
SUBJECT + VERB + WHICH + VERB (THIS IS THE CORRECT FORM IF YOU WANT TO USE 'WHICH', IT HAS TO BE FOLLOWED BY VERB DIRECTLY. YET, IF YOU WANT TO PUT SUBJECT BEFORE THE VERB, SO YOU NEED TO CHANGE THE 'WHICH' TO BE 'IN WHICH)

SUBJECT + VERB + IN WHICH + SUBJECT + VERB.




WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Writing Feedback / To become successful in life, hard work and fighting spirit are the keys for that [2]

DEAR FAIZ.
IT IS CLEARLY SHOWN THAT YOUR PARAGRAPH IS NOT BALANCE. YOU EXPLAIN MORE IN ONE ASPECT BUT LESS IN ANOTHER. YOU HAVE TO ADD SOME DETAILS OR EXPLANATIONS IN YOUR FIRST BODY.

ALSO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO THE NOTION, IT STATES TWO FACTORS HARD WORK AND DETERMINATION. YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN BOTH.

This statement IS actually true because it hadHAVE already been proven ...
WHEN WE STEP BACK INTO THE 90'S ERA, THE GROWTH OF CHINA'S ECONOMIC WAS FAR BELOW THE UNITED STATES'. HOWEVER, CHINA'S PEOPLE ARE KNOWN AS A HARD WORKERS WHO SPENT ALMOST THE ENTIRE OF THEIR 24 HOURS A DAY SOLELY FOR WORKING. BY DOING SO, IT IS NOT A HUGE SURPRISE IF NOW CHINA HAS SURPASSED THE AMERICAN ECONOMIC GROWTH. THEREFORE, IT CAN BE CONCLUDED UNDENIABLY THAT HARDWORKING PLAYS A SIGNIFICANT ROLE IN ELEVATING PEOPLE'S OR COUNTRIES' SITUATION.

Writing Feedback / A number of aspects are able to contribute in people's success. [4]

DEAR MARDIAN.
To begin with, IT IS UNDENIABLY BELIEVED THAT everyone HUMAN BEINGS can gain a successFULL LIFE if they want to give all effortsthat theyhaveand have full of spirit AND WANT TO GIVE FULL EFFORTS FOR WHAT THEY AIM which will push THEM beyond their limitation .

... be easier to BE faceD, and determine.

Writing Feedback / There's an opinion that the hard work and decisive personality are the secret of being successful [2]

Today , life is getting harder and harder. I
... needed personalities nowadays .
... of London tells has told that 43 percent of ...
... since the companies, nowadays , need the people ...

PLEASE AVOID THE REPETITION OF TIME SIGNAL. (BLUE) YOU WROTE IT 3 TIMES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task 2- hard willing and hard working as the way to successfulness [2]

DEAR PRAMUDIANA
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
SUCCESS IS A RESULT THAT HARD TO BE DEFINED, IT CAN BE SUBSTANTIAL IMPROVEMENT OF FINANCIAL, INTELLECTUAL, OR EVEN SPIRITUAL. FOR THIS REASON, NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT HARD WORK AND DETERMINATION ARE THE TOP POINTS TO SUCCEED. HOWEVER, SOME PEOPLE ARGUE THAT OPPORTUNITY AND GUIDANCE WILL MAKE THE THEIR DREAM COME TRUE. IN MY PERSPECTIVE, WITH A STRONG PERSEVERANCE AND DILIGENCE, ALL THE FACTORS IN TERM OF BECOMING SUCCESSFUL MIGHT BE NEUTRALIZED.

Writing Feedback / Companies have made their own standard for recruiting employees. [2]

Meanwhile, others believe that BE able to work in a team ...
As far as I AM concernED, both of criterion have to be had OWNED by employees but it has to BE appropriate with their job desk DESCRIPTION.

the worker are instructed to do something by their selves since..
PLEASE AVOID THE USAGE OF WORD 'SOMETHING' IN YOUR ESSAY, IT HAS TO BE SIMPLIFIED BY THE EXACT WORD, IN THIS CASE, 'WORK' WOULD BE A BETTER WORD FOR ALTERING IT.

ALSO, 'THEIR SELVES' IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE WORD TO BE USED SINCE IT HAS NO MEANING. "THEMSELVES" IS THE CORRECT ONE.

stated that workers who ARE independent and (...) company in shrinkING condition

However, employees who ARE able to work in a team and adherence are also have a merit
REMEMBER, THE USAGE OF WORD ABLE. YOU NEED TO PUT BE (AM, IS, ARE, WAS, WERE) BEFORE COMING TO THE WORD 'ABLE'.

Taking a theory from Industrial Relationship AS A PERFECT EXAMPLE ,

companies need workers who ARE able to follow the compaNY

Writing Feedback / A date over the Internet? The lack of the information about your mate is the biggest disadvantage. [2]

... such as video streaming orAND teleconference are made ...
This means that dating can doBE DONE online.
... available around us, people can do dating anytimeONLINE DATING IS NO LONGER AN ABSURD ISSUE as long as the computer ...

Writing Feedback / In this digital era, the growth of technology is inevitable. The way that couple meet evolves too. [2]

Based on survey research through [...] the easiness when getting video call to date. THIS SURVEY SHOULD BE THE BACK UP OF YOUR MAIN IDEA WHICH IS TALKING ABOUT THE VIRTUAL DATE.

REMEMBER TO PUT ADDITIONAL INFORMATION WHICH IS BASICALLY TO SUPPORT YOUR MAIN IDEA AND REASON.