Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by simbamaxxed
Joined: Oct 3, 2010
Last Post: Dec 10, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 59  
From: Zimbabwe

Displayed posts: 64 / page 1 of 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
simbamaxxed   
Oct 3, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Step Forward"--An Essay on the Appreciation of Diversity [5]

Steven,

I really enjoyed the opening paragraphs,they formed a great visual and I was able to "see" what was going on.You managed to highlight some of your best characteristics,such as determination.

Overall,a great job!.(The reference to "Alex" is very powerful!).I'm not sure about the hakuna matata though.I get what you mean but to someone who may not have watched the lion king you might want to give some context...just a thought.Otherwise,I can't fault it,it's very solid!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 3, 2010
Essays / How to write a good essay? Give me some pointers (imaginery, phrases) [7]

Alex,

The most interesting things and ideas come from the most ordinary,everyday situations.Think of a very simple and seemingly mundane thing in your life,focus on it and try to see how you can make it interesting.Here is an example: I'm writing here about an apple.

-So there it lay,gleaming in it's golden splendour as it shimmered in the golden glow of the sun's early morning rays.The flesh was a fiery crimson colour and looked deliciously ripe,and the silver-coloured droplets of water studding the plump fruit invited every passing eye to admire the freshness of an apple hanging on a tree.

Not my best effort,but see what I mean?You can make any subject interesting just by using imagery.Good luck!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 3, 2010
Undergraduate / "don't panic but strive" - Risk you have taken and its impact - Common App Prompt [5]

novanix,

You have great ideas,and a great direction for your essay.I enjoyed reading it.I have a few pointers/suggestions though.

-Try to break up your essay into paragraphs.It will be easier to read.
-There are quite a number of cliches(e.g. stepping stone,pull out the win,turning point).You might want to avoid these.

Grammatical error:'Looking back, this was the move that allowed me to come back and win the game was the turning point. '

otherwise,a good essay.good luck!(which schools are you applying to?)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "brilliant minds" - Yale essay, something we haven't already gathered from CommonApp [3]

chuchugaga,

Personally,I LOVE your essay.You are a talented and intelligent writer.However,it's obviously a risk that could produce a disastrous or delightful outcome,depending on the feelings of the reader.

I'm guessing you did A Level Chemistry(by the ref to 2,4 dinitrophenylhydrazine).The paragraph containing this and similar references was very humorous!

some pointers though...

Your opening(I've always taken my academics with a pinch of salt. ) can make you appear indifferent.Do you think maybe you could alter it slightly?

The following references:
-Has no one ever stopped once, and wondered, "Wait a minute, something's wrong. This doesn't seem to be working"?

-Who ever came up with that ludicrous system?

-Put me in a class that teaches how to make a cookie, and I'll wind up making a cake, simply because, well, everyone else is doing the cookies.

-Ask them a simple logic question requiring a bit of creativity and imagination - boom. They're stumped.

-Study hard, they say. Get the grades. Get into college. Graduate. Get a job. Earn money. Be happy.(quite sarcastic here)

These have an overall effect of making you sound as though you feel superior to others and are dismissing them as unthinking individuals.

Haning said that,If were an admissions officer,I'd accept you,mostly because I also believe in your message.However,to someone with a contrary or neutral opinion,this could make you appear high-minded and leave a negative impression of you.

Good luck,I really hope you get in !
simbamaxxed   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement-Chemical Engineering [4]

I have to say I think this is a great and personalised response which really gives the reader a sensible and solid reason why you want to study enginnering.One tiny problem though which I think is a contradiction.Consider this part of your essay:

-Then I stumbled upon Chemical Engineering. This sounded like a major that was specifically molded to my interests.

The paragraph preceding this statement is building the momentum for you to profess your deep intent to pursue engineering,yet when you finally make that point you seem unsure.It's sort of an anticlimax.Consider revising it to something like"Then I DISCOVERED chemical engineering,which I am now developing a deep passion for" or something along those lines.The words "stumbled" and "sounded like" make you seem somewhat uncertain and unconvincing.

Otherwise,a stellar job!good luck.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Rhetorical Analysis of YouTube Comments"-CommonApp Essay [8]

Shaun,

From a personal perspective,I really like your essay.However,it at times it lacked clarity.At the end I felt I had read a discussion about youtube videos but couldn't really get a feeling of what your overall message was.

Like I said,I love the great bulk of it.But will it appeal to the 50+,grey haired,conservative admission officer who thinks youtube is just a trendy online bridge club?I'm glad you erased the profanity though.I wonder how much of the word "bad***" this same imaginary officer could take.

It's genius in many ways but needs a lot of work,particularly in making clear the message and moral of the essay,because it's really important.Like,what words do you want the admissions officer to say about your character after reading the essay?

GOOD LUCK!!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sometimes the smallest thing..." - Commonapp Essay - Topic of your choice. [5]

There are several grammatical errors,so the essence is lost. I'll point out some of them.

I looked up(to) the sky as my teammates cheered for me, I felt rain drops hitting my body, but I was there enjoying the rain...

-2 hours ago(Don't you mean 2 hours earlier?)

- Although I had good tennis skills, but I often lost because I wasn't able to handle the pressure.(Erase but.Also the pressure of what?)

-The wind was still blowing, his teammates were still waiting, but I was determined to win! I slowly started to "control" the game and as the "ratio" between my score and his started to slowly decreasing. For some reason, I felt the rain was waiting for me to win. (No need for "". )Also,it's slowly decrease NOT slowly decreasing.

-But far beyond the west, I saw a peak of sunlight!(this is meaningless)

Your work needs a lot of grammatical and language revision,there are lots of other errors I ommitted,but best wishes all the same.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / how hawaii has fueled my interest for stanford [5]

Amanda,

I've read your essay three times.You have some good points,but many of them are saying why you want to go to college and not specifically Stanford.

Also,your opener is somewhat off the mark.The prompt asks you to say why you want to go to Stanford,yet half of your response is a discussion of the beauty of Hawaii.Be wary of irrelevance.

Research more about Stanford to get more info that is very specific about Stanford,then try to link your interests,goals and values to what stanford has to offer.In a nutshell,adress why you are a good match for Stanford.

Good luck!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "Know how to ask "why" and "how" rather than "what." - Why UChicago? [6]

YPan,

I'm also an international student applying to UChicago,so I was very interested to read through your essay.

At times you sound like the school's brochure writer e.g.

While the house system serves as a coherent "home base" that helps students to extend their social life, the advisory system serves as a comprehensive consultant. Advisors who follow the students for four years are providing not only academic enlightenments but also parental care; they would be mentors as well as friends, which I, as an international student, would enjoy.

Avoid doing all this.They already know this info,after all they wrote it!so don't repeat it here.

"I would try as I may "-this phrase makes your writing appear indifferent.Try another phrase.

"in the Gothic campus of UChicago."- This is not neccesary.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 5, 2010
Undergraduate / An essay about music and college life - UCF admission [6]

Hie David

I've read your essay and identified some things which I hope will be helpful to you.

The most prominent error in your essay are that you are discussing the things you love,which is great,but you are not linking it with the college experience and how your presence could add to the same.

Consider this sentence:
_There were pools and hot tubs where any of the students can relax in their free time. At one point of the tour we stepped into this huge gym with a rock wall, a track, and an innumerable amount of exercise machines.

First of all,are pools and hot tubs a highly plausible reason to want to attend a college?i'm not sure if an admissions officer will take you seriously if you include this in your essay.Also,if you re-read this sentence again,it sounds alike you are describing this college to someone who knows nothing about it.The AO's are aware of their own facilities,rather tell them how you will be able to benefit from these facilities and how you will use these to contribute to the college experience.I dont think you want to leave the impression that you want to come to college only to relax in the hot tub!

I hope this helps!best wishes.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Struggling with Economics - UChicago Essay [4]

Claire,

Your essay is brilliant.It's well and intelligently written.It's creative and evokes emotion in very sentence.It makes a lot of sense and hardly needs alteration.My only and very slight criticism is that your reasons are rather generic and I haven't quite seen the "why Chicago".There's more "why a double major in bio+econ" rather than "why a double major in bio+econ AT UCHICAGO." Otherwise,it's excellent.I would try to relate more specifically to UCHICAGO.

best wishes:

Simba.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "the purpose of life" - Brown University Supplements Essay Qns 3 [5]

Jinhao,
Your essay requires more needs depth and creativity.Consider the following passage from your writing:

There is an old Chinese adage: Learning has no boundaries. Indeed, there are always things that we do not know or problems that we cannot solve, no matter how knowledgeable we are. We cannot possibly finish learning everything in this world. We have to choose what we want to know as well as what we should know.

Most importantly, I believe we have to understand the purpose of our lives. A life without purpose is like an expedition without a direction. The journey of life starts only when we found its purpose.

As an opener,this lacks intrigue.The appproach is rather tired and overdone.Try to use vignettes and anecdotes to make your writing come alive,it sounds rather too much like a motivational speech as opposed to a personal essay.

I hope i haven't been too critical.I hope you found this helpful!Best wishes...
simbamaxxed   
Oct 6, 2010
Scholarship / S.A.T essay writing, how to write something meaningful in 25 minutes? [7]

Kadesha,

The best advice I can give you is to do several practice tests and write all the essays that come with them IN THE ALLOTED TIME.In my experience,this really helped me to score well on the essay portion.

Give yourself the first 5 min to read and understand the question to make sure you produce a relevant response(An off topic essay will score zero).Once satisfied,start brainstorming and scribble down every idea,example and anecdote you can think of."Mind Maps" can also help in this regard.Then use the next 2-3 min figuring out the structure of your essay and the sequence,paragraphing e.t.c,sort of a sketchy draft.. After this,start writing as fast as you can! Leave about 2-3 min at the end to check grammmar,spelling and the general use of language.You can also use this time to throw in a good phrase/vocab you may not have thought off.

Good Luck:)!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Undergrad essay: "How eight little ducklings changed my life" for common app [4]

Tim,

This is a very endearing,heartfelt essay which I truly enjoyed reading.You used two simple stories an a powerful way, your sense of compassion and care for others resonates very strongly in this moving piece.

Just one awkward sentence though:"A police officer happened by."

Overall,it's great.I enjoyed reading it.It would have been fitting though if your very last sentence could reverberate back to the duckling story,that would tie it up very nicely.Just a thought!

simba
simbamaxxed   
Oct 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "Taylor, my American brother!" - Stanford "Letter to a roommate..." [5]

Hie people!please critique my Stanford"Letter to a roomamte" .I look forward to your comments!

Stanford University supplement.

Letter to a roommate.

Dear Taylor from Colorado,

It is such an honor to have you as a roommate. It will be such fun my American brother!

Taylor, as you know the month we enroll coincides with the harvest. The rains have been so heavy this year and we are expecting a bumper crop indeed! I have built you a hut to store your corn and wheat crop which I will garnish from my own quota of our family's harvest. I thatched the hut myself and was sure to smear every inch with cow dung and earth to make it stand out. You will love it my brother!

Meanwhile, I have been working tirelessly courting several girls from the village for your marriage ceremony. I tell you when I showed them that picture of you; they could not believe that an American wanted to marry them! One of the most beautiful girls in the village, Tendai, has been sleeping at the river all year. I told her that America is to the west of Africa, so she is sleeping at the riverbank beautifying herself in a mud bath all year, just for you. So you should hurry and ask her father's hand in marriage before the new moon, before the crocodiles eat her or the village boys take her!

As for your other two wives, well they are not as beautiful but they can cook very well! They have started a banana plantation and cattle kraal to help feed the children you will soon have. Please check the parcel I sent you for a small clay pot of beeswax. You must start twisting your hair into dreadlocks in preparation for the marriage rituals. I also sent you a ream of bright cloth. You must print the tie and dye pattern on the back of this letter onto the cloth as this will make you be accepted more easily by the ancestors.

Taylor, I cannot wait to meet you! I am bringing all three of your wives along, so be sure to prepare our room accordingly. But you must hurry and slaughter a goat before the fall so that the ancestors will allow me to bring your wives to Stanford!

Best wishes my brother!
Simba.

(P, S. Taylor, none of the above is true! I just wanted to give you a glimpse of my culture and traditions which, although I respect, clearly do not always uphold. Because you are from a very different culture to mine, I hope that we will be able to merge the divide and have exciting experience learning about each other's cultures! I look forward to meeting you (no wives attached!).

Simba.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 7, 2010
Undergraduate / The intellectual, social and cultural differences... UMD College Park Undergrad [6]

Khalil.

I read your essay twice.You are a competent writer,but the subject really confused me!
I'm not really sure how to analyse your essay because I'm struggling to understand it.If you help me with some explanation,I'll be very happy to throw in my 2 cents!I'm failing to reconcile the SAW analogy to the prompt.

Best wishes:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

This is so brilliant! Your use of language is so accurate and APPROPRIATE to the subject matter it's unbelievable.What a great job! I really hope you get in.Are you also applying to MIT?If this doesn't get you into Caltech,I don't know what will.

All the best:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Chicago Supplement - my interests in different areas like films, books, etc. [3]

Shadow93,

I am currently working on the same UChicago prompt and have run into the same problem .Personally,I just chose to write about a poem and a song that have a significance around an experience I once had,so it became a story sort of.I'll post it later,maybe you could read it .I hope someone will be able to help us out,It's quite a challenging prompt this one :)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "I will get back up with a bright smile"-UC essay [4]

Jennalyn,

I enjoyed reading your essay.You chose to write about something that's unique to you,and brought out your message very clearly in this highly competent piece.I picked some errors though:

1.After months of perfecting it, the bottom of my foot formed hard blisters and calluses, a mark of my hard work. It's not clear what "it" is refering to. The dancing or the foot?

2.But, like I was taught, I will get back up with a bright smile pierced on my face, radiantly glowing.-I dont know if "pierced" is quite the right wordIt sends a different image to the one you are trying to convey.

Otherwise,a great job,good work:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "My Interest, its evolution, and its future" - 500-Words Limited Essay [8]

Wonjohn,
The best aspect of your essay is that you have understood and adressed the demands of the question.The quality of writing is commendable,although there are several areas that may need major revision and I will only highlight a few.Consider the following:

1."As Gordon said in movie Wall Street, Greed, for lack of a better word, was good."
-First of all,who is Gordon?-You need to provide more context or rather just find an alternative way to say this.And yes,"greed" is not a good word to use here.

2."They all liked the unique characteristics of math that allowed one to derive complex formulas and prove mathematical conjectures just with fundamental mathematical operations."

-Be succint!You sound like a math textbook author in this line.Sometimes the simpler you make it the better.

3."We competed in faith with each other in the national Olympiad (Korean Mathematics Olympiad) and my greed to be the best led me to a higher proficiency."-This sentence is kind of meaningless.

4."I continued my life as a software engineer. I developed software from simple tools to complex games."- You are declaring here that you are a software engineer already.If that is the case,why are you applying to Cornell?This makes you sound like you already know everything and will therefore learn nothing new in college.

5.Finally,the last paragraph about tetris has a number of grammar issues which I'll leave you to correct.Anyhow,I'm impressed that you came up with a new version of tetris.

I'm not a native speaker myself,so I just did my best to help and I hope I managed to do that.Good Luck:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "Bad economic times are coming!" - Common App (experience, risk, dilemma) [4]

Your essay is both unusual and topical,given of course the recent economic woes.Generally well written,but my feeling was this essay is more congruent with the topic"Discuss an issue of local,national or international concern...etc(ie the apparent slump in the job market and economy)" rather than the one you chose.Just a thought!

I would omit the part about the National Honor Society.I understand why you would feel you want to include it, It sounds like a major achievement(I'm not american).But I've read several times that mentioning of academic achievements in an admissions essay is not popular with admissions officers.I'm sure it's listed elsewhere on the application and they will definetely know about it.

Other than that,It's really good.Best wishes:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "science and art" - stanford intellectual vitality [5]

Overall,it's a great job.It makes sense and to answer your question:yes,it does address the question.

Some points of contention arise though:
"How else would the science of psychology be depicted but through art?"-What do you mean?how IS psychology depicted through art?You might want to clarify your thoughts here because the meaning is not obvious.

-"Whether it is through Shakespeare's soliloquies ..."-"Why just the soliloquies?I'm not sure why you pinpointed them.Would you read Macbeth just Macbeth's soliloquies?I think not.

As you can tell these are just minor things which I thought you would like to think about.Otherwise,this is quite compelling:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / Dolly Parton - some of your favorie books,songs etc (CHICAGO SUPPLEMENT) [5]

Hie guys!please critique this supplemental essay,the deadline is fast approaching!

Here is the prompt:

Question 2. Share with us a few of your favorite books, poems, authors, films, plays, pieces of music, musicians, performers, paintings, artists, blogs, magazines, or newspapers? Feel free to touch on one, some, or all of the categories listed, or add a category of your own.

One of my favorite musicians of all time is Dolly Parton, because her music has had an unforgettable impact on my life.

Growing up, Dolly Parton's album Revival could easily have been the soundtrack to my life. Each Saturday, my mother or one of her friends hosted what were called" kitchen tea parties". It is at these parties that I grew to love the music of Dolly Parton.

We had an old radio that played both vinyl discs and audio tapes. It was a grand machine with buttons and levers and even many more missing. It took pride of place in our small home, and stood helmeted in a mahogany chest balanced dangerously on two legs and a brick. It is into its insides that we placed beloved "Dolly" tapes, which were often chewed up by the aging radio. At that point, the well loved glorious country voices would morph into indecipherable squeaks. It would then be left to the children to unravel the entangled contents of the tape, to make sure that once again, the tides of songs such as "Yesterday" and "I will always love you" would rise and rise within the cracked walls of our small home.

These small house parties were as much about listening to the music as they were about dancing to it. We, the children, were often too shy to dance in front of the elders, so we would show off our moves in the backyard. As the contrapuntal country rhythms blared in the house, we would be hard at work perfecting our own routines outside. Our little, bare and calloused brown feet would pound the earth whilst our ultra thin waists trembled uncontrollably from the fevers of music and dance. We sang along in broken English with our clenched fists making for some pretty good imaginary microphones. And our clothes, being the rags they were, had developed tentacles that floated in the air as we danced. That is how we enjoyed the music of Dolly Parton.

At the end of the day, we would enjoy coca cola (a real treat) and watch the dust raised by our dancing settle against the backdrop of the African sun melting into the orange tingled horizon.Soon, each mother would gather up brood and head home, always whistling the refrain of her favorite tune from the album Revival by Dolly Parton. It was music that stirred the soul, and they were lyrics that you could store in your heart forever.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Getting lost in a book" - University of Chicago 'Find X' Essay [6]

Great take on this prompt,which I dutifully avoided when I was doing my Chicago essays! Look,this is a prompt that can be interpreted in a hundred different and equally valid ways.

Yours was a wonderful interpretation,although I suspect that a lot of people will go the same route in answering this question.You're clearly a very good writer,and this piece shows it.

My observation would be that because the prompt is quirky and unusual,a quirkier,slightly more outrageous style would do good to your already competent essay.My point is,tweak it slightly to give it a more edgy feel,in keeping with the prompt itself.

Otherwise,It's a great effort.Lot's of luck to you:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 14, 2010
Undergraduate / The values of knowledge and leadership - Yale supplement essay [7]

Vlad,

Your command of the English language seems to be hindering the expression of your ideas a bit.
The essay lacks clarity and structure and at times it's very difficult to follow what you are trying to say.All in all,I am doubtful whether your chosen topic is really what they are looking for in this part of the application.You seem to have resorted to writing about an intellectual,almost academic subject.Remember that they know about your academic abilities from your grades and SAT scores from your school report.I would imagine here they are trying to learn more about your human side:you as a person.Your background,what you value and how you interact with others.You can still use this same topic,but try to reveal aspects about your human side as you do that.

I hope I've helped you:Lots of luck with your applications:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Mug of Bliss" - Yale supplement essay help, should I submit this? [9]

I would DEFINETELY submit it.You could have said exactly the same thing in a bland and boring way,but instead you chose to intersperse your ideas with the love of something as simple as chocolate.I believe this could work in your favour and set you apart.

I think the second paragraph is the most crucial because it summarises the entire crux of the essay,so when you cut it down,try to keep that part in full.You write very well:)goodluck with your yale application!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "basketball games" - Why Duke? Supplement Essay. [4]

jeff,

This is a plausible response to the prompt.However,something caught my eye at the the end.You write"There is something about Duke that has always captivated my imagination." I would ask you,WHAT IS IT?" Then you also write:"Duke is the place that I have dreamt about spending my college years, and I am looking forward to making that dream a reality." I would ask you WHY WHY and WHY.If you answer these same questions which you yourself posed in the fullest way possible ,your essay would be a winner:)

It seems as though you have adequately lauded Duke for it's greatness,but you haven't mentioned how you can match and relate your goals and interests to what Duke has to offer you,and why you should be given the opportunity to take advantage of them.Your essay definetely says"I know a lot about Duke,my brother goes there."But take it a step further by connecting your past and present experiences to what Duke has to offer.

Hope this helps you on your journey to Duke:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "Turkey, my home" - the environment you were raised. TUFTS SHORT ANSWER [3]

Izel,
I believe you approached this topic from the wrong angle.Your have taken the topic too LITERALLY,and therefore wrote about the geography of your environment.Unfortunately this is not what the prompt demands.From my understanding,the topic is instructing you to write about your background,upbringing and possibly relationships with those around you,and how the experiences emanating form those interactions have influenced the state you are in as a person today.It seems english is not your first language(It's not mine either) so some of your expressions are confusing or meaningless.

e.g."There you go, my father opens the door with his oily hands from the "börek" he's been cooking. At first sight, He doesn't likes you, asking for his little daughter,but he skeptically invites you in. "

Also do away with the unwarranted onomatopoeia i.e."Ding-Dong! "

your work needs massive revision in terms of the use of language and alsoin terms of staying relevant to the question.

good luck::)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a collector of my friends' birthdays" - elaborate on your activity [7]

Xue,

It's good,but there are grammar issues which need to be adressed:

e.g.However, as my collection booming, the experiment seemed to be less important than the birthdays themselves. (As my collection BOOMED).Furthermore"boomed" is not sounding right in this context.Maybe "grew" would be a more durable substitute.

- More than collections, what I'm doing is to depict my life in another form.
(this sentence is meaningless...make it simpler so as to achieve clarity.)

There are several more confucing or meaningless sentences.The idea is unique,but your command of english is stifling that idea.Thoroughly revise your use of english so that the true meaning of what you are trying to say comes out clearly.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "The tale of Mr. Vandal"(undecided) common app essay [5]

Ren,

First of all,the confucious and einstein quotes are unneccesary,mainly because they are not related to the subject matter.

Secondly,the essay is too long winded and confusing.You take too long to reveal that you are indeed Mr Vandal,and therefore end up puzzling the reader until the very end.There are too many ideas that are intertwined and therefore the reader is unable to understand what you are writing about.From Confusian seminars to the school's PA system to the Chinese minister to under privileged migrant workers to the Smiling society to your television interview etc...It's too much! Focus on one thing and get the best out of it,rather than write about several things which have no obvious connections.

All in all,your essay needs FOCUS.My suggestion is,from the array of things you have chosen in this mix of ideas,just choose one or two ideas and write about only those things.At the moment,you have too much going on here.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "my goals when studying abroad" - what would you bring to the diversity [6]

Huyen,

You don't appear to have answered the question.You gave a detailed description of this musical genre(?) which you love and appreciate,but have made no link whatsoever to how this had prepared you to add diversity to the college community,which,from my understanding,is the assignment.

Maybe you could use this under option 6 "Topic of your choice."

-Also,there are several sentences where the command of English has stifled meaning e.g."I cannot stop thinking about it several days after. "-(Even after several days,I cannot stop thinking about it.)

-"luxurious language "-this is meaningless.Just erase "luxurious"
-Once you heard, you would never forget it. Since girls who listened to Dan Bau used to fall in love with the players who used to be poor artists, old family used to abandon their daughters to approach it. (Again,this sentence is meaningless)

I understand how meaning can be lost especially when english is not the first language.Your work needs a thorough revision in terms of the use of language.:)Good luck .
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a collector of my friends' birthdays" - elaborate on your activity [7]

Xue,

English is not my first language either,but there are several things you can do to improve your command of English,which you could try if you like.For example:

-Read,read and read some more english books.Novels could be a good idea as they teach you different styles of writing and how to convey a story.

-Watch english language films.
-Keep a journal/diary and record your thoughts in english.You'll be surprised at how this can improve your language skills.
-Study the dictionary.I know this sounds crazy,but it really helped me master vocabulary and subsequently use it appropriately.
-Speak,and even try to 'think' in english,not your native language.It helps!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "An unlikely musician" - extracurricular activities, Commonapp short answer [6]

Hie guys! Please comment on my commonapp short answer which I'm submitting very soon.Thank you:)

Please elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities:

The first day I opened my mouth to sing a solo in the school choir, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. Generally known around the school for being a physics lover and for assisting teachers in the science labs for "Open Day" electronics club demonstrations, my debut in the arts was reason enough for the widespread dismay. That was some years ago, but my passion for music has not waned. Instead, my love for music has grown exponentially. I subsequently performed at several concerts and even dropped electronics club for jazz and continued to improve my piano playing skills. Through the guidance of my music teachers, a husband and wife team that has become like my adoptive parents, I have deepened my understanding of music as a means of bringing joy to others. The highlight of my experiences as a musical performer was performing at the annual National Institute of Allied Arts festival with my school's African Gospel Choir. These electric performances, in which the hundred of us performed joyous African choral pieces, inspired me to re-energize my passion for music and continue to entertain others through my "unlikely" calling as a musician.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / the International Baccalaureate program - University of Chicago Statement [4]

Caleb,

I agree with the first reviewer.Re-read the first eight sentences of your paragraph(which are the bulk of it),then read the prompt.If you do this,you will realise that you have not answered the question.In fact,you do not mention the University of Chicago at all in these sentences.Rather,you include a discussion of your challenging curriculum.Remember that you are competing with applicants from around the world who are probably IB candidates or are pursuing a curriculum equally challenging,so your curriculum will not be unique to you.

I suggest you include more about UChicago and link your goals and interests and other qualities about your human side that relate to something that is offered at Chicago.You are probably already a meritorious applicant,and that will be apparent from your academic records.You run the risk of losing an opportunity to reveal aspects about your personality at the expense of lauding the rigor of IB,which they are already aware of.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Gustavo,

Overall,a valiant effort,although at times there were some serious faults in grammar.I'll start with that.

1." Nowadays, I always assure that I have enough money to pick-up my weekly dose of magazines because of one character: Deadpool."(I always ensure...)

2." I don't preach world peace on an absolute scale like Miss America contendants,"(contestants)
3."I am not saying that one should aspire into becoming a clown,"-(aspire to become...)
There are several other grammatical errors which I'll leave you to fix.

In terms of content,you have a good idea,however some of your longer sentences tend to be meaningless. e.g."Therefore, I believe that in order to create as much relationships as possible and to leave a trace of our existence, we must use our human dispositions, true personas and share our first-hand experiences with others; all as different elements of one same community"-(This sentence is convoluted and meaningless...)

Also,I notice that you say this comic book character is a "typical,infuriating pest",then you go on to say he is your hero.Essentially you have said you are a pest.Noone wants a pest in their freshman class.

And this:"He has the sex appeal of Marty Feldman."-Personally,I don't know who Marty Feldman is.I thought this was unnecesary and cheapened your writing.

My apologies for being overly critical.It's just that I really like your idea and would like to read the best version of it.Good luck with your applications:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Hahaha no worries man, I hope the powers that be don't suspend you!Personally I enjoyed your essay,it's not boring at all.On the contrary,it was quite amusing!

You can say that someone is an annoying pest in a less obvious way.For example,you could say"His company is almost always a disturbance of peace and his jokes often fall flat, subsequently leaving the intended audience gobsmacked by their utter lack of taste."

In terms of "changing" your essay,I'd suggest going through your grammar and the use of language so that you can polish up on the technicalities.It appears english is not your first language(It's not mine either) so you might have to work extra hard on grammar:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Oops I hope I didn't offend you by saying english is not your first language lol!Anyway I anxiously await your second draft,I'm sure it will be good:) I wouldn't want your essay to sound pretentious either,I was trying to just show you an alternative route to what you were trying to convey,.I definetely also dislike "smart" writing it's so fake and irritating.

@Jeannie you made my day...quote"Chris Brown may have a nice personality but he definetely beat up Rihanna...ahh...your are so funny!and so right!

Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳