Undergraduate / "Performing art in Centre Pompidou"-- Common activity essay [6]

It's amazing. I'm nitpicking here.


and


In both of these, the power of the sentence constrution is somewhat nullifed by their similarity, I think. It would be much more striking if you switched the order of the clauses of one of the sentences in each of the pairs.


You might want to try 'being myself'... that's the only place in the entire essay that you switched to third person.

Undergraduate / "To explore myself and my world" - Why Notre Dame Essay [5]

"the initial footnote of this school left in my mind was "a place to think". "
Also, I don't think 'footnote' is the right word in the context. 'Impression', maybe?

I don't think your start is strong or decisive enough, try starting with your third sentence? Start with talking about yourself as opposed to about the college?

"The dark color, peaceful campus picture, and compact page layout struck me a lot and I began to believe it was the very place I desired to go and live during my valuable college life."

The dark colour and compact page layout of the website convinced you that this was the college you wanted to go to? It may seem to the person who's reading it that you haven't thought about your college hard enough.

Also, the second half of your sentence is really wordy. Maybe you could try something like "the peaceful campus struck me as the place I desired to live in during me valuable college life".

"Notre Dame as a Catholic university can offer me greatesta great spiritual education like theology and philosophy."
Also, 'great' isn't a strong or memorable word, try

"There is no doubt I will be inspired and guided to think withat an advanced level"

Undergraduate / "Heaven or Tufts" short answer essay [5]

How about you combine the two? I like "yet hold space for something bigger, better and unknown," cause it makes YOU seem like an interesting person.

If you want to use the last line, I'd change it to something like "As I searched the world I found two places that I'd feel like I belonged-Tufts and Heaven. Considering that I am too young to go to heaven, I'd love to go to Tufts." and not mention the minor part cause I suppose they'd know that they have a minor in the subject you're looking for. The phrase 'this place' isn't clear, I took it to mean the world but if it means something else use that.

The first line of both versions seem like they will blend in memory with the last line of a previous essay read... try skipping it? Start with something like "Why limit yourself with something that already fits you?" [which is a little too overused] or something that describes your personal heaven (so the last sentence integrates itself with your essay)

Undergraduate / Theater, LEAVING MYSELF BEHIND: CommonApp Short Answer, Extracurricular Activity [5]

Thanks:). Anything you'd sugget I change?

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Thank you both:)

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Oh wow, I love your idea. And the way it's written.
I don't know how the university will take it, though. I don't know what they want. But I suppose they'd remember it, so that's half the battle won:)

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

I know, I wrote the 'find x' topic, and then decided that I'm not applying to UChicago. The topics are ridiculous, but fun to write:).

Essays / How to write an essay on my goals for the school year / education importance [13]

Start by writing down what you want to do with your future, whatever it is. Then think about what courses and subjects you can use to get there, and write that down. Then think about WHY the courses you picked will help you.

Your first sentence can be what you like about what you want to do; like if you want to be a teacher, you can talk about how you enjoy influencing children and making them better people. Then go on to say that to make this work, you want to be a teacher.

Hope this helped:)

Undergraduate / Kashmir: Imagine looking through a window... - Williams College Supplement [5]

What, why? I'll copy it and paste it here, I guess:/

"Wow, are you Kashmiri?
I connect with what you're saying, but I don't think you've said enough about the fear, it may be difficult for other people to realize its impact.

Your second paragraph is about redness, I THINK it might be worth your while to mention that more prominently in the first.
I think you use the word Kashmir too much in the second half of the second paragraph, maybe you should restructure to avoid using the name in some places?

The first and last paragraphs can be removed, cause you can make the environment you're talking about the Dal Lake, that might help you with your word crunch. If you do that, write more about the concept of the silhouette, it can tell a better story of the significance of the scene to you.

I think 70 words over is too high, it might make you seem indecisive.
Good luck:)"

Scholarship / Diversity: How your Nigerian background influenced your personal development [3]

This reads like a speech someone would give at the UN, right down to the phrase "and I quote" which is completely unnecessary in writing. I don't know if it is just me, but it seems almost like you haven't connected with your environment and instead are giving us what the textbooks say about your people. It this was the effect you were going for, you've achieved it, but for a scholarship essay you may want to add a personal touch.

" still maintain that humility, respect and sense of responsibility that characterized my childhood." It would be nice if you gave an example. I mean an example that uses 'I' and 'my parents', and not just 'we'.

Don't qualify the quatation by saying it's your favourite, the second part of the sentence says that just as well.
Good luck:)

Undergraduate / About Footie Pajamas: Common App and Pitt Personal Statement [14]

Hmmm. I'm actually in favour of past tense, cause of two things. One, present tense works best when you're writing the essay in second person. And two, you can inadvertently make things sound plain ridiculous: like "I am tugging on the thread that is hindering my zipper by using the full strength of my bicep. It broke." In that, you've got an action in the present tense, and the next bit of action in the past tense.

I really like it though. I don't think length is too much if a problem, cause of its nature. You just breeze through it, it's so natural. I'd shorten it to win ponts with the guy reading it, though, you gotta admit that (s)he'd be daunted by this. Especially since it skips around a lot, so your reader needs to be motivated to read it.

"They can enjoy my presence, or they can get lost." : NOT too sure this is something you'd want to put in a college essay. Since the people who you want to impress with it aren't rebellious 17-year-olds[;)]. Similar argument for leaving "Pink? What a fail, Mom" out of it. It's individual, but maybe to the point of belligerence?

Undergraduate / Kashmir: Imagine looking through a window... - Williams College Supplement [5]

You don't have to use the hindi words; though it makes it authentic, it's something you CAN dispense of if the dreaded word count problem hits.

Oh, and your last line is gorgeous.
" Ironically, like Kashmir, whose beauty has been reduced into a silhouette as terror casts its blanket of darkness"
I don't know if there should be a comma between ironically and Kashmir, and whether it should be another sentence; get someone else to look at that??

Undergraduate / True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have; Yale Supplement [5]

Three things. One, is it a bit TOO humble? It's realistic, bracingly so, but it tells us nothing about YOU except a heritage. Two, I don't think you've answered the prompt. They'd probably know you're Chinese-American already. And three, you've got this much space to talk about what sets you apart, why would you squander it by talking about something that DOESN'T set you apart?

I wouldn't use the same essay, sorry.
Good luck:)

Undergraduate / I am a warm-hearted girl; Mich Supp- international community [5]

"It was my first time to be such a great distance away from my home by myselfthe first time I was alone and so far away from home(it just seems more natural) when I came to the United States to study."

"I was so proud of myself because it was such an honor to stand out among all the candidates."

"As an international student, I live in a large community of a residential dorm. In fact, it is not only a community, but also a big family with approximately two hundred family members from every corner in the world." :A little too long? Your opening paragraph should strike the reader, and if it's wordy and rambling like this you don't necessarily catch the reader's attention immediately.

It tells a lot about the kind of person you are, but I don't think the essay is particularly memorable. It isn't gripping or one-of-a-kind and won't distinguish you from everyone else, and it seems that any residential prefect from your school could write the exact same essay and send it in. Anecdotes?

But that's just my opinion.

"It has been challenging to undertake this responsibility."
This sentence is extraneous, the only necessary part of it is the word 'challenging': incorporate that somewhere else in the essay, in that paragraph.

"I am a warm-hearted girl.":
Don't say. Show. If you wat to illustrate your kindness don't say it straight out like that, give the reader an example. It also is a bad start to a paragraph, the second sentence is a nicer start.

Too many of your sentences start with the word 'I' or 'my', and that can annoy people.

Undergraduate / Personal story about Dancing and asthma for the Common Application Main essay! [3]

"reprimanded me to give up those "illusive meaningless hobbies" ": I don't know if reprimand is the right word in the context.

"let alone dancingdance on the stage"
"I led the youngersyounger children/youngsters and choreographed "

It's a great concept, and the reader can really feel your passion:)

Undergraduate / "embroidery, the Chinese Cultural Experence Campus"- my common app [6]

Hi,
This is really original and interesting. It's got those 'awww' moments (girl is now my sister-in-law.) and is a really nice story, and would actually work even as an autobiography or something. However, the story isn't enough. I think you need to show an emotional or personality growth somewhere in it, and that isn't coming through at all except for the end, where it seems fake and put in just because that's what people want to hear. You need to integrate your growth/better understanding of the culture/emotional connection with your family/ANYTHING along the same lines THROUGHOUT the essay cause that's the entire point of the essay; to talk about yourself, as opposed to just another thing you do.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / (Model United Nations) - CommonApp Short Answer [5]

This is interesting. I'm an officer of my school MUN club in India, and I'm an American citizen. Similar situation. My problem with this is that I can substitute places and names and submit it as MY essay, and it would work just as well (and no, I am NOT gonna do that:P). It isn't personal enough, I think. It describes a situation but doesn't REALLY explore the deeper impact of the situation on you, which I think will make the difference.

But then again, that's just a feeling in the back of my head. It's a good essay, quite telling of the kind of person you are.

One another note, if you do MUN and want to do IR, wouldn't you want to write more about MUN? I'd write about another extracurricular, and save the MUN for supplement essays, so you don't overuse it but you use it to its full potential.

Hope this helped!

Undergraduate / "embroidery, the Chinese Cultural Experence Campus"- my common app [6]

Embroidery. Definitely embroidery. Pianos are overdone, plus this seems to be as strong an influece while being more distinctive. I liked ths better, just bring some of th epassion you put in that into this:)

Writing Feedback / Regret (the graffiti walls in the cell) - manslaughter essay [4]

I'm actually afraid to touch it lest I ruin the emotion that comes through. It's an interesting story, and I like your style. The only thing I can think of it I don't think people say 'divorcing you'... leaving you? And the wife seems like a character who'd take the kids with her, mention that.

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Here's my view of the topic: the fact that they have given such abstract topics means that they are up for interpretation, however you choose. It's just a good idea to write something you have a personal connection with, it tells the reader more about you.

Here's what I took the 'find x' thing to mean: a personal journey, possibly an unresolved one, with the end an abstract 'x'. Likewise, there was one that went something like 'If you had the power to dissolve one ting in the world, what would you dissolve and what solvent would you use' and I thought that would mean a quality in the world that you dislike and the way you would hide it or bury it or whatever.

If you've got the time to, just give it a break and return to it in a while, hope for serendipity, cause I think that really is the best way to do this. Possibly switch topics, write something else, give yourself some distance and then try again. It's too abstract to think logically. If you don't have time, list all the events in your life where you made a choice. The other type of people in the world are people who made the other choice.

That's just my interpretation of the topics though, there are a million other ways to. Hope this helped!

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

I think I mean the first paragraph to be a description of the environment from my 'window', but I'll try to make that clearer, thanks!

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Thank you, Jason and Daniel.
For a bit of background, I wrote this essay after I wrote my common app essay (an uplifting little piece about confronting death) and I couldn't send another piece like that to a college cause, well, I wouldn't let myself. So this may seem a bit superficial, especially in comparison, but that's basically to show a different side to me: especially cause this would have been SO easy to write from a diversity standpoint(writing about how being Indian and American has impacted me) but I didn't want to be just another kid talking about her cultural past. So I think the lack of insight, if you'd call it that, was a conscious decision. But I'll work on it, within the topic(which I don't think I'm quite ready to reconsider yet:P)

Undergraduate / "I am human" - Common App supplement [5]

"But I am also human. And look - there's a planet full of people just like me."
LOVE. But should it be "But I also am human?"... I'm not sure.
And "And look - there's a planet full of people just like me."... does it make it seem, from a college point of view, that you're flattening your culture? I don't know, think about it... I get the sentiment behind it, but express it in a different way maybe?

It's a REFRESHINGLY different essay, with a different take, and I'm feeling it.:)

Undergraduate / "The Limit Does Not Exist" Common App Activity Essay [13]

Bias towards ephemeral here too, I'd say keep it. I actually think changing words you use amounts to changing style, which I really don't think is a good idea cause it detracts from your style.

One thing, I think "So I replied" at the end just sounds wrong. It may be worth your while to rephrase the beginning in the end (So, when my friends ask me why I joined Track, I replied...) but that might kill your word count.

"...and my practice results were devoid of any hope of ever seeing improvements in running time and jumping distance." is a bit wordy, '... and I had no hope of improving my running time and jumping distance' sounds a bit better, though I'm not sure that it contains everything you want in it.

Undergraduate / "The Limit Does Not Exist" Common App Activity Essay [13]

I don't mean JUST ephemeral, if you doctor your essay to include different words it may not seem as heartfelt. Plus, vocab's not gonna be a problem for the AO reading your essay.

Undergraduate / Finding and defining "X" - UChicago supplement: Find x which essay should i work on [3]

Interesting ideas, but almost no flow between them. The first paragraph talks about how x is indefinable, the second contradicts that.
You talk about yourself to superficially, talk about how each of the 'sides' of the triangle contribute to the area.

I think the essay needs a lot more work, a more thorough grammar check, and some real thought on what you want to say. You want a realistic, personal essay or an abstract intellectually appealing essay? Think about it, but make it clear that you have to pick one or the other.

And sorry for the length of this:)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "TV station internship" short answer for common app [3]

"What behind the TV screen are enormous efforts and sweat."
Did you mean 'what is'?

"six weeks' practicing "
practicing for six weeks?

You aren't contradicting anything when you start the second paragraph, don't start with however.

I'd suggest you sut down the length of "As an audience, I used to ridicule some TV programs but after six weeks' practicing I couldn't laugh out any more because I've known clearly that every episode need to be planned in weeks advance and entailed countless considerations, from buying water to contacting shooting place." and use the words to ad more to the second paragraph, where you talk about yourself. You should talk more about yourself:)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Early riser / College options ('letter to roommate' / 'Why Stanford is good for you') [7]

Letter prompt:
Don't say ", and so on", the examples are illustrative enough. Stop with them.
" I enjoy thinking about these kinds of things"... that's probably understood by the fact that you talk about them.
It isn't... fun enough, maybe? You're talking about talking, which, although interesting, isn't awe-inspiring. Say something quirky about yourself! Oh, and for goodness' sake, if you say you talk PLEASE put in that you listen too?

Why Stanford?
You come across too logical. Put some heart into this, some emotion. Fudge it a bit if you have to. It's interesting that you are so rational, but it makes you come off as though you don't really care if you do or don't get into Stanford, cause the other colleges don't offer much less than it. Talk about more than the reputation it built up, and the people who have left there. Talk abiut the atmosphere, the professors, the curriculum, things that REALLY set it apart.

Undergraduate / Tutoring + "Mother Nature", extracurricular activities and importance of an issue [10]

You might want to get an English teacher or something to look at this for sentence construction... I'm seeing things that are wrong, and I think it would be worth your while to get someone qualified to look at it. You jump back and forth between tenses, and I'm not going to mention those, but you need to decide what tense the essay(especially the first part) should be in and write it paying attention to that.

"Football or soccer, also known as the "world game" is played everywhere around the world. Given its room for creativity and fast-paced flow, it has found prominence among the youthgenerationyoung . I live in the UAE and here you'll find kids and teens playing the sport in any possible space; be it in parks or parking lots. I've always enjoyed watching the game and I love to play it with my friends, but I'm usually disregardedleft out ](or a nicer word, but 'disregarded' doesn't work)whenever there's a match. It might be because of prejudice but I think the main reason is that I can't play the sport the same way as they can, and that I believe is because of my obese nature that I am(was?) obese ."

"My mother told me that when I was an infant, my aunt used to feed me a lot - like mixing custard in the milk for example."... there's something wrong in the second part of the question... doesn't tie in well, the grammar isn't right... I'd suggest removing it entirely, it's confusing me a bit.

" It also causedhad a deep effect on my personality; 'shy', 'insecure' and 'bookish' were some words for my description described me and (this view of myself?) affected my ability to socialize with others."

To me, the last line of the first paragraph lacks the drama factor. Say something like "I felt neglected; my parents didn't have time for me and my teachers just didn't seem to care enough.'

The second paragraph is interesting, but you might want to tell the story in the past tense and switch to present tense when you talk about yourself now. Draw the reader more into it by telling us what your REALLY felt, not so much telling us about your journey. I think it's make this seem more powerful; now, it just seems a bit like a social message, instead of a personal experience.

Undergraduate / "Hollywood High School, love for Journalism" - #1 Describe your world.... [3]

It interested me, but two things are bothering me.
I don't know if it actually answers the prompt, it seemsabout journalism and not Hollywood High School. Talk just a LITTLE more about the 'environment' per se?

And I LOVE the beginning, it seems so... dreamy. But the second half feels TOO pragmatic. It seems almost as though someone else gave you the idea for one of the halves. I actually think you've got a great idea if you talk about being an immigrant, and growing up with parents who taught you about the ;metamorphois' and what that meant to you, and not bring journalism or your high school in at all.

Just suggestions though.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / "how I feel about my friend" - international student supplement essay on friendship [6]

-'sweet-looking girl'- I don't ever like the word 'sweet' uless it's describing taste... It's meaningless, an empty praise word like 'nice' or 'good'... you might want to change it to something a bit more emphatic!

-"My ingenuousness intimidated her" : ingenuity?
-"we got used to our dissimilarities and liked the other for the way she was"... I THINK you should use the word 'each' somewhere in the sentence as it increases clarity... maybe like this: "..and we ech liked the other for the way (who?) she was."

-I think you should talk more about WHY she's the peanut butter and not the apple.
-Also, I think you shoud talk, on a deeper level, about the changes she brought in you: because right now it seems a it trivial. So, instead of saying you imbibed her culture, as you did in " I now know I should remove my shoes before entering a person's house," maybe you can say that she made you more sensitive to cultural differences and respecting diversity. Talk about real personality growth, now it seems a BIT trivial.

Hoped this helped!

Undergraduate / the Lawrence school - extra curricular activity- band [4]

The fame of the Lawrence school band is known across the country.The Lawrence School Band is famous across the country.All the Students of this school, dream to be a part of this school bandplay and march to the beat of the band from their Preparatory clases, and I was no exception. I also dreamt of playing and marching to the beat of school band. When I was in class 9, I was selected for the band.(I was thrilled beyond my wildest dreams when my childhood fantasy was realized, when I was selected for the band in class 9)

Through my junior school years, I recognized my talent and worked on it. Playing the bugle and the trumpet expanded my mental horizon -helping me to see the world from a different perspective(why? That's critical in an essay like this). It made my actions mature and responsible.

During the tryouts for the 151st Founder's day, the band master and the band major were amazed at my performance and made me the band sergeant. When the grand maze(explain, maybe? cause I don't know what a maze is, in context) was passed on to me, my band major said, "It is not just a maze but a test of responsibility and leadership".(maybe you can start the essay with this idea... it seems like a nice beginning to an essay)

i have a lot to learn in the field of instruments . I am looking forwad to learn more and reach the zenith of my accomplishment in the college.

Needless to say, you should only take the change you think will work for you out of this. These are just a couple of suggestions.

Hope I helped!

Book Reports / A Rebuttal to Twain's "Damned Human Race" feedback [3]

Maybe I understood it wrong, but I don't think the best way to write a part of this would be to highlight the fact that animals are ruthless and wastful in killing, cause it doesn't persuade me at all. I think you should talk about how the actions of a few should not govern the perceptions of an entire race. You say "Man also engages in these types of activities. This does not prove that man is the lowest of animals, instead; it proves man still has these instincts left over from the animals"... I think ou need to move past the fact that some men succumb to instinct and talk about people fighting instinct. That's just what I think, though.

Undergraduate / "My ravioli dilemma" - UC prompt, personal contribution, quality [8]

Oh don't, don't, DON'T throw it away. Please? It's a breath of fresh air. I love the tone, I think it sets it apart, especially since you get another essay with the UC's to showcase a more formal style and be a little more self-serving. And I also think changing your writing style to fit a college is just a bad idea. Write the way you want, and if they don't want you after that, at least they don't want YOU, and you won't have regrets about being somebody else. I also don't think the length is a problem, the essay feels alright.

Definitely think it's worth the trouble of perfecting. You might want to get the last paragraph in more detail- after all it's a college essay, you ARE trying to sell yourself. They style can do with proofreading of the 'sounding older' variety, but I don't think you should lose the casual-ness of the tone. You're introduction's a bit choppy, but the shin bone sentence made me laugh. I think, more than anything, you should work on the flow of the essay and the thoughts. I think you've got a winner here, but that's just what I think, and I'm no expert.

"or until I find a more interesting problem" I wouldn't end with that. Or even SAY that. It begs the question: what if college doesn't interest you enough? Then what?

Hope I helped!

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Thanks Kevin, it's always great to be appreciated. I don't think I'd do full justice to that right now, but I'll definitely think about it!

Undergraduate / "My sister's name is Norah" - Someone Significant in Your Life [2]

-"It was about three years ago when I had seen a miracle before my eyes. ":Awkward. try something simpler? Like "Three years ago, I saw a miracle.' though there HAS to be a better word that 'saw'

-"I was losing belief in my faith, I was losing hope in the relationship between my parents, and I was losing faith in myself." Raises too many questions. I also think it detracts from the essay, I've only read this much and really want you to just dive into talking about your sister. Shorten the introduction?

-"I was only fourteen years old": that's the third time you mentioned your age! It seems kind of redundant by this point.

-"I was starting high school and with all this stress I was dealing with, I wasn't ready for anything significant in life." 'all this stress'- what? I don't think you should mention it if you are not going to explain it. Or if you already have.

Alright. To be honest, I was losing interest. Further, I don't think you've got a clearly defined intrduction or conclusion, and so it's all blending together in my mind. Plus, it isn't giving me any information about you, or your sister, or your family.. it's just a slightly vague description of your family situation in 2007. I dont think it's a strong college essay, you need to cut down on length. And ue concrete examples that tell your story and how your sister changer YOU. I mean, think of something you started doing differently, better. I appreciate the impact your sister may have had, but I don't think this essay does justice to her or you.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Band Geek of the Elite Variety - Commonapp Essay [8]

I'm being astonishingly pedantic, but "faster than honey attracts bees"... honey doesn't attract bees. Flowers do, with all their nectar:P. It works as an idiom, but, well, It struck me when I read this. It may strike the person grading this, who knows?

"No, a Doctor just won't do, although I do have the grades to become one." something's bugging me about this, though I can't put it in words. Not grammatially, something about the content made me read it at leace thrice and think 'hmm, is mentioning the grades and doctoring worth it?' It seems a bit too pragmatic... a bit too rational... this is way too vague, but I hope you've got an idea of what I'd be waving my hands around to tell you if you could see me.

It's catchy, and it represets passion well. And I'd give a kingdom for your conclusion. It's great.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / "work at wegmans" - work exprience..common app..150 words [3]

Use a basic spell check software, you're got a bunch of typos.
"Being sheltered and having to go from one private school to another did not give me much of a social life. I am and always have been shy."- KIND OF weak beginning. Try to start with a bang, not with a weak word like 'being.'

I think you need to capitalize 'wegmans'.
"on a daily basesbasis "
"The ability to talk to strangers did not come naturally for me. ": you only have 150 words, and this wastes it. Use the active voice, like 'I could not naturally talk to strangers.'... also this is redundant, understood when you said you are shy.

"After a year of working with the best people I've ever met, I felt like a new and transformed person.": Completely a matter of style, but I'd say go for drama here. And that's achieved by conciseness. Try:"A year of working transformed me; I know am loud, talkative..."

You don't talk about the net gain for you from thins experience. ou became more outgoing, but I think your concluding sentence should talk about how being an outgoing person has affected you.

Good luck:)