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Posts by katev
Joined: Nov 1, 2012
Last Post: Jan 24, 2013
Threads: 18
Posts: 111  
From: United States of America

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katev   
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Georgetown University Creative Application Essay [4]

Here is the prompt: As Georgetown is a diverse community, the Admissions Committee would like to know more about you in your own words. Please submit a brief essay, either personal or creative, which you feel best describes you.

It was one of our exploration days during our summer study program and we had only a few hours to roam the city of Nantes, France. While I had the chance, I gathered a few of my peers to search for a bakery. This is a natural compulsion of mine, this urge to find the nearest or the best bakery in a new place. This impulse is driven partly by my strong sweet tooth, but more so by my love of baking. As we scanned the passing windows in the hopes of finding a bakery, my friends brought up one French pastry that I was surprised to find I had never made or tried: a macaron. I was told that these dainty, pastel-colored confections melt in your mouth upon tasting the two light, meringue cookies filled with a smooth buttercream. Being an avid baker and having never had a macaron before, I was determined to try one while we were in the home of the macaron. Upon discovering a small store that made these colorful confections, I was quick to try one. I soon found that these were well worth the hunt, as I fell in love at first bite. When our course ended and we returned back to Memphis, I knew that I would have to try making them. My peers and my mother warned me to not try making a batch, as these were one of the most difficult desserts to make. However, I am an ambitious person and was confident in my baking ability, so I decided to make them anyway. Upon searching for a recipe, my peers' warnings were confirmed. Every article I read warned me of the disastrous and impossible tendencies the macaron. I was told that I would need to take a course and read countless books in order to perfect this tiny, harmless cookie. After grinding my own flour, cracking dozens of eggs, and popping every last air bubble I found in the shells of these cookies, I was left with fifty macarons roughly four hours later. The process was grueling, but I had defeated the infamous macaron. Some might wonder, what is so special about this dessert? If one can easily make chocolate chip cookies that can also satisfy a sweet tooth, why spend so much time and put in so much work to make this one kind of pastry? I have come to realize that the challenge of baking this notorious confection and the delicious result are what make them worth all of the effort. I have been baking since I was four years old and I am always looking for something new to try or a way to improve. From stirring the batter with a precise technique for an exact number of times and baking them at just the right temperature, this challenging dessert takes a certain level of dedication that I put into everything I do. To put all of that hard work into something and to get something so great as an end result is such a gratifying experience. I have learned to apply this mindset to all of my endeavors, academic or not. I firmly believe that one can have all of the tools necessary to succeed, but she must fully dedicate herself in order to succeed.
katev   
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Hyde Park and My Dream' - Why UChicago [4]

I think you dance around the answer too much. It is a nice poem, but I found myself struggling through its length. Like the previous poster stated, you don't get to the point very quickly. In other forms of writing, I think that this would be fine. However, the fact that you have written a poem means that every line you say needs to have meaning. Make sure that in at least every stanza you touch on a point mentioned in the prompt. While all of your poem doesn't have to answer it, make sure it's mostly relevant.
katev   
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / Essay about becoming a vegetarian - feedback (500 words)? [3]

Grammar: Our windows welcomed raccoons, who, persistently tapped until morning. Our windows welcomed raccoons, who persistently tapped until morning. The thrills of physical activity, or "fun" suited most of the family, but my excitement rooted from my grandfather, who, finally decided to join us. The thrills of physical activity, or "fun," suited most of the family, but my excitement was rooted in my grandfather's decision to finally join us. He came from the Brahman caste, which emphasizes a vegetarian diet, anything with the faintest scent of meat was considered untouchable. He came from the Brahman caste, which emphasizes a vegetarian diet; anything with the faintest scent of meat was considered untouchable.

He was an avid vegetarian...

I never thought, an elephant carried the secrets for my becoming who I am. I never thought that an elephant could carry the secrets for my becoming who I am .

Good story overall, just many grammatical errors. Watch your overuse of commas. This is a great story on your becoming a vegetarian and it is certainly unique. I really like how you show the reader your thought process once he asks you to become a vegetarian, it is very personal.
katev   
Nov 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'boundless opportunities' Why study at Georgetown University? essay [4]

Here is the prompt: Please relate your interest in studying at Georgetown University to your goals. How do these thoughts relate to your chosen course of study?

Although I have yet to decide on my major or career, I am certain of my interest in human interaction. I understand that this passion is hard to place into a category, but that is why I feel that Georgetown University is the right school for me to pursue my goals. I have recently enrolled in an online AP Psychology course, of which both the medium and the subject matter a new to me. I knew that this course would be challenging, but I had earlier realized my interest in the human condition, so I decided to take the class. This course has exceeded my expectations and has brought me to realize the great possibilities for applying this passion of mine. Similar to this online course, Georgetown University also provides an opportunity to continue my newly peaked interest. After my visit to both the nation's capital, Washington, D.C., and the Georgetown campus, I realized just how privileged I would be to study at Georgetown University. As I walked around the city, I found something new and stimulating in every direction. Upon touring the campus and learning about the curriculum, I knew that I could pursue my passions at Georgetown University. From the wide variety of career opportunities available to Georgetown students to the multitude of programs, majors, and minors offered, I am certain that I can find my niche at Georgetown University. While the exact applications of my passion in social science vary from psychology to politics, I am confident that studying in a leading international community such as Georgetown's will certainly equip me with the environment and knowledge to achieve my goals. As I have learned in my psychology course, a human is not only shaped by her genes, but also by her environment. To spend four or more years in an environment such as Georgetown University's would undoubtedly provide a positive impact not only on my studies, but also my character. A strong foundation is essential to achieving one's goals, no matter what these goals may entail. I believe that the boundless opportunities provided by the environment and community of Georgetown University will allow me to fully pursue my goals in life.
katev   
Dec 8, 2012
Undergraduate / Kid Cudi's song comes to mind ; Music is the Influence [2]

Wow, I'm not sure to where you are submitting this essay, but if it's for college I would say that it's pretty inappropriate. The subject could be approached in a much less offensive manner. However, the way that you approach it is crass and blunt and poorly considered.

A pretty weak essay, as you turn to logic that is simply outdated and misused. The idea that rap music leads to sex and drugs whereas Christian music leads to good decisions is simply not true and frankly an ancient mindset. An argument against Christian and country music with strong, educated sources is much stronger than an argument against rap lyrics with poor sources and an outdated mindset. Also, there are good and bad examples of every music genre, so you need to take that into account as well
katev   
Dec 8, 2012
Undergraduate / Macarons and baking; Topic of your choice/Common Application [2]

I'm planning on putting this as my essay for the Common Application, so it's very important to me that it is good. I really appreciate any feedback that you have, big or small!

The most unique scent combination I had ever experienced filled the air that day. The strongest aroma of pure salt danced with the fragrance of freshly baked pastries amid the midafternoon heat. It was one of our exploration days during our summer study program and we had only a few hours to roam the city of GuĂŠrande, France. I soon discovered the source of the strong salt scent to be the nearby salt marshes. Next I had to locate the source of the wafting pastry scent. Naturally, I began a search for the nearest bakery. As we scanned the passing windows in the hopes of finding a bakery, my friends suggested a French pastry that I was surprised to find I had never made or tried: a macaron. Being an avid baker and having never had a macaron before, I was determined to try one while we were in the birthplace of the macaron. Upon discovering a small store that made these colorful confections, I was quick to sample multiple flavors. I soon found that these were well worth the hunt, as I fell in love at first bite of the two light meringue cookies filled with buttercream. When our program ended and we returned back to Memphis, I knew that I would have to whip up a batch myself. However, my peers warned me to not bother with macarons, as these were one of the most difficult desserts to create. Being a naturally ambitious person and a confident baker, however, I decided to bake them anyway. Upon searching for a recipe, my peers' warnings were confirmed. Every article I read told me of the disastrous and impossible tendencies of the macaron. I was told that I would need to take a course and read countless books in order to perfect this tiny, harmless cookie. Although I am sure that these courses and books would have made my venture much shorter, my craving for these dainty delights led my to follow through with my plan. After grinding my own almond flour and cracking dozens of eggs, I was left with fifty macarons roughly five hours later. The process was grueling, but I had defeated the infamous macaron. Some might wonder, what is so special about this dessert? If one can easily make chocolate chip cookies that can also satisfy a sweet tooth, why spend so much time and put in so much work to create this one kind of pastry? As someone who has been baking since the age of four, I am always looking for new recipes to try or a way to improve my baking skills. This challenging dessert takes a certain level of dedication that I put into everything I do. While a chocolate chip cookie is just as sweet, the taste of dedication and hard work that accompanies a homemade macaron is much more satisfying.
katev   
Dec 8, 2012
Undergraduate / The bitter notes were made honeyed again; Yale Common Ap [6]

The entire piano itself was of a dark mahogany shade, with the grain showing prominently in the foreground.

Maybe too flowery? The entire piano itself was a dark mahogany, with the grain showing prominently int eh foreground

I placed my hands in the form of a familiar chord, and press down mightily.

Make it parallel. "Either I place my hands in the form" or "pressed down mightily"

Other than that it's beautiful!
katev   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences; Cornell Supp/ intellectual interests, evolution [4]

my uncle once left over the kitchen counter

left on the kitchen...

As every four year old, it must have been all about those shiny colors

As what every four year old? "As with every four year old," or "Like every four year old, I must have been captivated by all of those shiny colors." You MUST have an appropriate subject agreement.

a koala bag I never let go

"in a koala bag that I never let go," still an awkward phrasing

Finish stronger. You did a good job in connecting your interest to how Cornell would help, but end with a bang, not a whimper. Something to connect everything, like "I hope to take the treasures of my youth, the old credit cards, my coin collection, and my passion for economics and bring them to flourish at Cornell University next year." Or something like that.

Please look at my 1000 character activity essay!
katev   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / A Risky Phone call; Common App/ extracurricular activities [4]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum).

I stood as a lone freshman in a gym full of high-flying, far more experienced cheerleaders. After hours of waiting, I performed my routine for the judges. However, despite my best efforts, I did not make the cheerleading team that year. Devastated, I took a chance and called the coach to ask how I could improve for next year. Heeding her advice, I spent my sophomore year training everyday. When tryouts arrived again, I knew I was prepared to face the judges. I could not have foreseen the impact that cheerleading would have on my life when I tried out for that second time. Now everyday I can bring excitement to stands full of hundreds of people. I have become a more confident person who is ready to take on new mental and physical challenges, such as throwing my teammates 20 feet into the air. I realize now that it was my initial failure, my courage to call the coach, and my tenacity to try out again that gave me two years of cheerleading that I would have never wanted to miss.

Did I address the prompt well? Do I reveal enough about myself? Please give any constructive criticism you have!
katev   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / With no electricity, I had been sentenced to forced idleness; Common App/ PS [3]

has brought us to the standpoint

I think you just mean "has brought us to the point"

I decided to go back in time, indulge in a cup

I decided to go back in time by indulging in a cup..."

I tried to read between the lines

Not quite the proper use of the phrase. I wouldn't suggest replacing it with the correct phrase, as it could come off too clichĂŠd.

I'm also not sure that you could call what you describe "taking a time machine." What you are describing is what is called viewing the world with rose-colored glasses. You chose to look at things optimistically. If you were to go back time, you would certainly face the same melancholy. Although you wouldn't have technology, things wouldn't suddenly be bright and cheery.

[quote=hashmnahz94]They all seemed so archaic/quote]
What is "they" referring to here? What seemed so archaic?

Good topic! Try not to sound like you're just using a thesaurus. You can get too synonym-y at times. Also, make sure that you establish and continue your metaphor throughout. If you want to go with the time machine thing, make that known. If you want to talk about how it's picturesque, go with that
katev   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Escaping my comfort zone; University of Richmond Supplement essay [4]

Hello, this is my first draft for my Richmond supplement essay. It gets kind of choppy and strange at the end. I am looking for lots of constructive criticism, so any feedback is much appreciated! I know it is long, but I will review your essays if you review mine (I can provide a lot of feedback!)

Here is the prompt:

Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you? Length should be approximately 1-2 pages, double-spaced

I was walking through a thrift store when something caught my eye. However, upon the urging of my friends to leave the store, I had no choice but to leave behind the sleek robin's egg blue typewriter that I had noticed. For some unexplained reason, I couldn't stop thinking about that typewriter when I returned home. I asked my father if we had any old typewriters in our attic. Although his reply was not what I was initially hoping for, what he said next would only reinforce my fascination with the typing machine. By pure coincidence, my father had almost brought home a typewriter that he noticed, as he thought I might be interested in it. He was certainly correct, as I spent the next few days researching typewriters. As I read articles on the history of the typewriter and the mechanics of the machine, I started seeing the names of different types of keyboards, mainly The Sholes layout, otherwise known as QWERTY, and the Dvorak layout. This sparked my interest. I had certainly heard of the QWERTY keyboard; it is what is found on all modern phones and computers. It was the keyboard that was unfamiliar to me, the Dvorak keyboard, that I wanted to learn more about. I soon stumbled upon an interesting article that detailed the history of the Dvorak method. I soon became educated on the many downfalls of the QWERTY keyboard as well as the many benefits of the Dvorak design. Dvorak had arranged the keys in a way that simultaneously improves accuracy and allows for faster typing, all while requiring less finger motion. By the end of the article, I was convinced.

That day, I decided to completely rearrange my keyboard and start learning the Dvorak method. When others asked why my laptop keyboard looked so odd, I told them of my spontaneous decision. I was met with plenty of odd looks and some occasional blatant laughter. I spent weekends adapting to the new typing style. I was met with the initial difficulty that I had expected. Because of my daily school typing classes that I took since the fifth grade, I had become proficient with the QWERTY keyboard. Learning the Dvorak keyboard was like learning another language. The keys were in entirely new places; it was like a new alphabet. However, I preserved because other converts had assured me that the benefits would be far worth the time outside of my comfort zone. I sat in classes trying my hardest to remember which letter was in which spot. I had never realized how truly reliant I was on my old keyboard. I was completely vulnerable. I had reverted back to my fifth grade self, struggling to hammer out the keys one by one. I no longer typed at eighty words per minute. Instead, I was typing at a snail-like pace of ten words per minute. I knew that it was my choice to put myself out of my comfort zone and that I had the choice to stop at any time, but I was determined to push through it. A faster, more accurate, and healthier way of typing was close in my grasp.

While most would argue that stepping outside of one's comfort zone involves something along the lines of skydiving or bungee jumping, I believe that going outside of one's comfort zone simply involves choosing to do something that you would not normally do. I was certainly hesitant to completely change my way of thinking, but I was eager to gain a new perspective on things. It is human nature to stick to what we are used to; we are creatures of habit. However, stepping beyond our daily habits can lead us to gain appreciation for the small things. Since fifth grade I have been able to type at hyper-speed without even glancing at my keyboard. Switching to the Dvorak layout forced me to completely rewire my brain. I had to take a step back and think about what I was doing. From my brain to my fingers to the keys, I thought about every little action I made during the learning process. I was in a situation similar to learning how to walk and talk. Having completed the primary level of education and almost completed the secondary level, I rarely have had to learn something entirely new and foreign. Choosing to challenge my brain led me to a refreshing change in perspective. By simply rearranging my keyboard, I have stopped allowing myself to be defined by what I do everyday. I no longer consider myself a creature of habit. Rather, I am a creature of curiosity and discovery.
katev   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Tennis has been my santuary and refuge of stres;Common App / Extracurricular activity [4]

Good start. Plenty of people will write about tennis, though. What can you add to your essay that would allow someone to say "Only rteggroll has done/said/felt that." I know it's hard to think of an individualizing thing, but if you can add a touch that makes yours stand out amongst the thousands of tennis essays, that would be great for you! Also, end stronger. You bring up a good point, that tennis is your sanctuary, at the end. Follow through with that! There is a box for you to mark on the Common App that you want to play tennis in college, this essay is your chance to explain why. Wrap up your essay with how it is your sanctuary and make the adofficers want to have you continue that at their college!

If you could look at my Richmond supplement, that'd be so helpful!
katev   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Have you ever been to the moon? / Harvard Supp/ Letter to roommate [7]

I also thought of that Huffington post when I read your letter. I'm not saying you plagiarized, as it isn't totally uncommon to format your letter this way. However, I think it may set off some red flags, and I'm sure you would just rather not have that happen, haha!
katev   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / NYU SUPP: is a wage in dollars worth more than witnessing your children grow up? [2]

As flocks of people pass me bypass by me with carts full of fried maize, tacos, and tamales, and children with colorful attires trot along selling Virgin of Guadalupe sculptures and paintings, and before I go into customs , I take a last glance at the city's dynamism, the merge of cultures, and the different backgrounds that make my border town (When you say "make my border town," it makes me expect an adjective to follow that, ie "makes my border town Mexicali great." Maybe say "that comprise my border town" or "that make up my border town) , Mexicali, home to a myriad of immigrants before I go through customs .

This is a very long sentence, and your thoughts might get lost by the end.

its attachment will promise an opportunity to become invisible

This is slightly confusing. If the rope is successfully attached, won't opportunity become tangible/real, not invisible?

dreams fading away along with daylight as the day closes on us all

"dreams fade away with the daylight as night approaches." The night part is just a suggestion, but I think it adds to the illustration of day fading and night coming in

With the best of intentions, and in attempt to uphold their family, illegal immigrants from middle and southern America try to provide a better future for their children

Maybe say something like "These illegal immigrants from middle and southern America have the best of intentions; they want to uphold their family by providing a better future for their children."

but lose their

they also lose their...

This is a very interesting take on the prompt. I don't think there will be many essays like yours, which is very good! Helpful hint: You can also use this for college prompts that as about a world event and how you feel about it, a local event and how you feel about it, and you could also spin this to answer a question about diversity. You have a very flexible essay, good job!
katev   
Dec 22, 2012
Undergraduate / The Common Good - Bowdoin supplement [2]

You begin with a solid topic: volunteer work and college mentoring. However, your essay takes a rough turn when you begin talking about how you lose control of the kids. I know you don't really "lose control," but to an admissions officer this might look like you can't assert yourself.

If you were to continue on that path, at least talk about how you learned how to be a good leader or something along those lines.

Also, you need to connect this back to "The Common Good." Try mentioning Bowdoin and how you want to work for "The Common Good" there, as well. As of know, this essay implies that you had a rough time serving the Common Good, and that's not quite the impression you want to give, as you spent a lot of time doing good volunteer work!
katev   
Dec 23, 2012
Undergraduate / My Non-Diversity Form of Diversity; Colgate University/ About you/ Colgate Community [4]

We honor the many different forms of diversity in our community. Your perspective is valuable because it comes from your life experiences, family backgrounds, and culture. Please tell us about yourself, how you plan to share your perspective with the Colgate Community, and what you hope to learn from other members of the community. Answer in 250 words or less

I can count all of my closest living relatives on both hands. We do not have close family still living in our parent country. When someone looks at me, they cannot easily say, "Oh, you're definitely from 'this country.'" Enjoying my grandmother's recipe for Swedish meatballs for dinner is about the closest that our family gets to embracing our muddled heritage.

However, it is this lack of a glaring cultural background that has led me to want to discover more. I never fail to ask my grandmother all about her Swedish background. I'll pester my father about the family crests that I find lying around his office and the Dutch translation of our last name Valk, which means "falcon." My never-failing curiosity even led me to create an account on Ancestry.com to fully delve into my heritage. I have since then collected many pieces of history and have traced our family tree back for dozens of generations. I have even come in contact with a long, lost great uncle who was my departed grandfather's half-brother. The fact that I can still discover more about my varied background is what continues to interest me. It is this same reaching out that I hope to continue throughout four years at Colgate University. My hometown, Memphis, TN, provides me with an endless source of diversity. Through the Memphis community I have learned more about cultures around the world than I could have ever imagined. Colgate's close-knit community models my small family. I hope to learn just as much about the Colgate community as I have learned about my own family.

I'm at 332 words right now. I know the ending gets sort of bad, but I was hoping that's where I could find some help!

Do I answer the prompt? I know it seems like I don't really talk about my diversity, but I tried to put my history in the best light compared to other vastly more diverse people!

I wanted to avoid the whole "I'm from the deep South" thing, because I'm really not "country" at all!
katev   
Dec 23, 2012
Faq, Help / Why are some people getting suspended? [44]

How are people suspended?

Hi,
Someone posted meaningless feedback on my essay. I went to his profile, and saw that he posted meaningless feedback in someone else's essay too. Also, one minute after he posted on my essay, he published his own. Clearly he was just writing in order to publish his own essay.

I'm not quite sure how the whole website works, as I'm relatively new to it. If it's on a community based reporting system, I'd like to report arunesh12
katev   
Dec 24, 2012
Undergraduate / You will wake up with me; Letter to future Harvard rommate [2]

Dear Roommate,
I am a morning person.
This is one of the first things that I tell people if I will be living with them. Now, I have only lived with a roommate a few times, just the typical camp cabins and college visits, but when I do I never fail to tell her that I am an early riser. I tell people this for two reasons. The first being my hope that if I tell them in advance, they won't be too surprised to find that I have already gotten ready for the day before they are even awake. The second reason I tell you this is because I feel like this early rising habit has completely shaped my outlook on life as well as who I am as a person today. I like to think that the early morning is the simplest time of day. Imagine waking up to no distractions, no interferences, nothing to disconnect you from the natural world. You can see your surroundings without any influence from people. Seeing the sunrise, listening to the world stir as it begins to awake, feeling the crisp morning air, the sensation of cool fresh dew touching the bottoms of your feet. From this perspective, the world is uncomplicated. There is no homework to worry about, no traffic to sit through, and no place to be other than in the present. Once the day begins and the sounds change from birds chirping to cars speeding down the street, as I'm sure happens fairly quickly in Boston. The sights change from the sun slowly creeping over the horizon to people hustling on the sidewalks trying to get to their next endpoint. Once the morning glory fades, I can quickly snap back into the daily swing of things and remember what the day has in store for me. However, despite the position of the sun in the sky, I always try to live in the moment and not let things pass me by. Just from waking up a few hours earlier, I gain a sense of positivity that I continue to use it throughout my day. So, I apologize in advance if I accidentally wake you up at an ungodly hour, but I hope that one day you will wake up with me, to see the world from my point of view.

Is all of my grammar/punctuation correct? How is the letter itself? I know a lot of these types of essays list a whole bunch of stuff, but I didn't really want to go that route. Harvard is definitely a stretch for me and I'm not sure that this would necessarily help my chances, but do you think it would hurt my chances? I know I should write about something truly amazing, but I really want to get this application sent!
katev   
Dec 24, 2012
Undergraduate / "The Notebook" UVA Supp; (Discuss something you secretly like but...) [9]

A good topic, I think it's funny! You're definitely very honest, I think they'll appreciate that. If anything, try to talk about how this movie affected you. I can't exactly phrase it, but I think you could add something to make it a little better. I know that's not that helpful, but maybe try adding some more personal things to really connect this to you.
katev   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The law of attraction' NYU short essay 2012-2013- What intrigues you? [9]

Interesting essay, but I'm not sure it's entirely logical. What if your parents saw the collage or something? I might add a sentence about how it's not entirely the reason they got you a guitar, as you might seem a little strange to the adcom (no offense, just looking from an outside perspective).

Also, sorry if everything is kind of messed up with the red and crossed out things, this formatting is a pain to use. I hope you get the just of my changes.
katev   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / One of my top choices; Lehigh App [3]

What is the prompt?

Anti-socialness and leadership don't really go hand-in-hand, at least you want to show Lehigh that they don't. If you want to talk about being "taciturn," then show Lehigh that you can be a good leader anyway. You have the evidence that you want to be a leader, now show Lehigh that your social side won't get in the way of your leadership and success!

Please take a look at mine! Even if you only tell me what you think of me after reading it!
If you do anymore revision I would be glad to help edit if you post it again!
katev   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / History, and mathematics have captured me and never let goCornell sup [10]

mathematics do become

mathematics does become

more difficult the reward

more difficult, the reward

and think is worth it

What? The think?

have always grasped my breath

doesn't make sense

repeat it.". The world of the mathematics however to me was always more in a realm of logic, and reason.

repeat it." The world of mathematics, on the other hand, was always in a realm of logic and reason

Cornell's mission statement briefly summarized in the words of the co-founder Ezra Cornell: "I would found an institution where any person can find instruction in any study." is very fitting

Cornell's mission statement, "an institution where any person can find instruction in any study," is very fitting...
katev   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An Unexpected Journey and Winning the Green Card' Common Application [33]

Okay, mention "The Perks" or don't begin your first sentence with an idea about an unknown book

The irony part doesn't really make sense nor does the counterclockwise (just in my opinion!)

Also, the "made of stone" allusion should be made clearer. Write about what you just explained to me. You don't make all of that known until the very end, and that makes it kind of confusing

That is not the correct use of compromise. A compromise is an agreement over a dispute...
katev   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Exploring the minds of Yalies; Why Yale? [6]

I have explored both websites and the minds of the diversely talented Yalies, and what they have all ceaselessly attested to has reinforced my decision to apply. The small classes taught by accessible and knowledgeable teachers who truly care for their undergraduates, the unique residential system that brings intimacy to such a major research university, the liberal curriculum that allows for a deep understanding of one's major and a broad understanding of the humanities, and the natural and social sciences all while improving my writing and quantitative skills, and the institutions like Dwight Hall which show that Yale is dedicated to broadening student's scope by immersing them in vast cultural, recreational, and academic opportunities have all been praised by the Yalies with whom I have spoken. These highly engaged students have shown me that Yale is not a one-track school. Rather, Yale cultivates well-rounded students who comprise a community that I not only want to contribute to, but also become a part of.

[I know I can't end with a preposition, but I can't seem to fix that last sentence]
[And yes, that honker in the middle is one big sentence, but it's not a run-on, I promise! Just obnoxious to read...]

Help! Please! I'm at 1027 characters of the allotted 500... oops.
I know it's not very personal, but I really don't have some spectacular story about overhearing a conversation on campus that made me know I have to apply.

I have pages and pages (literally, I created a whole document) of reasons why I want to apply to Yale and what makes it unique. Clearly this is not all of it, but it's about as condensed as I can make it.

Thoughts? Please!
katev   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / I'm from a Kazakh family; My college Essay [7]

Although I value my ethnic origins in my opinion my physical

origins, in my opinion, my physical...

what adds to my diversity rather it is

Need to punctuate between 'diversity' and 'rather'

that I have lived in

in which I have lived

with my parents, and my grandmother

with my parents and my grandmother,

My grandmother who was central to my upbringing taught

grandmother, who was central to my upbringing, taught

In Kazakstan my father also taught me more about the Kazak culture by teaching me how to ride on horseback, and more connected to the nature

My father also taught me to become more connected to nature by teaching me how to ride horses

Influenced by her upbringing in the Soviet Union she would also

Influenced by her upbringing in the Soviet Union, name the "she"

stress me the ideas

co-operation, and selflessness

which we were reinforced by my childhood friends with whom I always shared

This doesn't make sense

In my opinion I would add to the diversity of a college community not by the cliched definition of diversity such as race or ethnicity

This sounds negative. Maybe say "Although I would certainly add racial and ethnic diversity to a college community, I prefer to share my diversity through my different experiences, views, and perspectives."

would love to learn, and interact

to learn and interact

Very good! You approach the topic well by showing a unique diversity (in addition to your ethnic diversity, that's diversity on top of diversity! haha)
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / My past connections to places; Bowdoin / Interests and experiences [4]

small school high school

pick one, or small high school

Nestled at the foot of the hills, the campus is very beautiful

This beautiful campus is quietly nestled at the foot of the hills

As I went to classes, I really enjoyed having small classes

similar opportunities like Village and possibly even more

like the Village, and possibly even more.

Also being a historical liberal arts college with great traditions and literary alumni, I believe

You need to make Bowdoin the subject of your sentence if that's the first part. Right now you are saying that you are a historical liberal arts college...

You end very abruptly. It's very important and unique that you lived in 3 other countries, that's what this essay wants you to highlight! Certainly you had connections to those other places. I know there's a word limit, but it'd be good to elaborate on that. Place your bit about Bowdoin at the end to wrap it up!

Take a look at mine, tell me what you think!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Diversity/ YALE SUPP; Why Yale?/Short takers [2]

Great why Yale!

1) Option 1
4) Option 1
5) Well, do you now care or not care?

Care to comment on my "Why Yale?" I could definitely use some help from someone who wrote such a great one!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / My uncle calls me "Theoretik"; MIT App // Cultural Background // Pragmatic fami [3]

My uncle calls the "Theoretik," meaning dreamer.
Despite his academic success, the Soviets denied him (an opportunity to learn, something like that) because he was Chrisitan. He resigned to becoming a mechanic. Opportunities for the religious were minimal in the USSR, and, realizing this, my parents moved to the states where girls could get married and where I could find artisanal work.

The 3rd to last sentence is a bit out of place. You explained how you moved to the US, so it seems like you regress when you mention your uncle and parents again.
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Essays / The effect of technology on our generation - Help on a cause/effect essay. [5]

Is this for college/an engineering school or is this just a prompt you have to answer?

You can point out plenty of drawbacks with the typical technology you would think of. Cars pollute, phones run out of battery. I think you need to pick a device before getting help from others, that way it's really what you want it to be about!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / "I won't speak much at first"; Stanford Essay-Future Roommate [2]

If you ever need me you'll always be able to find me; I'll be in constant revolutions around the library and coffee shop.

Awkward sentence. Don't think that merits a semicolon and your use of "revolutions" seems out of place

I turn into a kleptomaniac when I see cute clothes, but hypocritically hate when people use my stuff

Eeek... Before I got to the second part of the sentence I thought you were a thief, I think the adcom would too. Also, hypocrisy and unwillingness to share isn't something you necessarily want to highlight (I'm the same way though haha)

I'm a procrastinator too! (nudge nudge, can you look at my essay?)

Right now it's a little dark and gloomy. I know they say be yourself not someone else, but I would hope you don't want to present yourself as boring, a klepto, stingy, and OCD. (I don't want to sound mean, but a majority of your essay points to this)

Try to lighten it up. You're going somewhere with the dancing, music, and achieving your goals!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / I secretly love Greek mythology ; Barnard Supp [4]

Good! You could try to come full circle and say something like "I will always be grateful that I flipped to the channel that day, for that was the day I discovered Barnard." Now this depends on the prompt. If the prompt is why/how Barnard, go with that. If the prompt is something else then your whole essay might need to change. I'm not sure what you're answering, I just found the writing errors!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Writing Feedback / organization deal with recycling; The one thing you do to improve your community? [3]

Your spacing and punctuation is all off, I'm not sure if you know that. If you don't: remember the rule is word + comma/period + space + next word :)

Is English your second language?

think positively where I have lived

Rephrase this. Think positively about the places where I have lived

Many people believe that the good man who is teaching person and has a nice family

believe that a good(?) man teaches people and has a nice(?) family
What do you mean by "teaching person" and "nice family?"

I have lived in Basra city , Iraq since I was born

I was born and raised in Basra City, Iraq

This is very good! You have a good essay for a non-native English speaker. I love your idea and I think colleges will as well!
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Grandparents' house shaped my wild side; Stanford Supp_ What matters to me and why? [3]

I wake up to the smell of trees and birds chirping near my grandfather's house

The smell of trees? Sort of odd, but if it's true, then okay!
The smell of birds chirping :)?

My grandparents tell me to sit and make me eat breakfast before going out

tell me to sit down and have breakfast

bread and cake

Cake for breakfast? do you mean something else?

hop the fence to the neighbor's house and furiously knock on his door, lacking any sense of privacy

house, and furiously knock...
Lacking privacy? But you knocked...

Today is the day my friend

You need to add how "today" is in fact, not the day. Maybe "today is the day, I thought to myself, my friend..."

'Easy-Bake Oven'

No quotes

To me, my passion and wonder for the world and everything around me are what matter to me.

Only one "me." My passion and wonder for... is what matters to me

Today, after nearly six years,

Whoa! You're 15 and applying to Stanford??
katev   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Minor in economics; Duke - Why Duke Arts and Science? [2]

is one of its kind

rephrase. one of a kind?

and allows me

would allow me

First paragraph is great. You can't replace "Duke" with any other school and have it still make sense. Very good!

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