Writing Feedback / IELTS: solution for arresting traffic & pollution?; 'proper mass transportation' [5]

Dear all, please comment my writing, because i will take IELTS in this month so, I need your suggestion to repair my bad writing. Thanks

best regards,
aji

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
what other measures do you think might be effective

Petrol is the main component in running vehicle. Therefore, many people think that if the price of petrol rises, inhabitant will think twice to use their vehicle or stop to buy it. So, the pollution will be reduced.

Moreover, if the petrol is getting more expensive, people will try to looking for another alternative transportation that is cheaper-public transportation. Public transportation helps city to reduce the number of cars and motorcycles. This causes reducing of transportation volume, then this reduces traffic jam.

However, This does not proved in many developing countries, for example Indonesia. In the last ten years of Yudhoyono's era, the price of petrol has increased three times. The increasing of price is up to 50%. But this does not give big influence of selling petrol. Furthermore, the number of vehicles is rising. This causes of many reasons such as the price of cars and motorcycles that is cheaper, the ease in credit of cars and motorcycles and the last factor is the bad facilities in public transportation. Moreover, if the petrol's price solution is only works poor people not the rich people.

So, based on reasons above, there are many other factors that have to be considered beside the petrol's price. According to Transportation Department's research, the best solution to overcome traffic jam is providing good public transportation. The research's result said that people choose their own car, because they are not satisfied with facilities in public transportation-safety, comfort, speed. if three main factors in public transportation is fixed, people are more attracted to leave their own vehicle that is often trapped by traffic jam, and choose public transportation.

Hence, I do not agree if the high price for petrol is the best solution. The most effective solution for transportation problem is proper mass transportation for all people, that is proved success in many countries-Malaysia, Australia, etc.

Scholarship / essay for master scholarships (NZAID); New Zealand & universities [6]

dear all, please give me advice for my scholarships essay, i will apply it this month. I am not confident at all with this essay.

In no more than 500 words (on a separate sheet of paper) describe the specific skills and knowledge you want to gain from your proposed study and how this study will contribute to the role and responsibilities of your current and/or future job;

Based on many information that I got, New Zealand has many top universities in the world. Most of those universities have excellent quality, especially in engineering. As civil engineering student, I wish I can get the best education, lecturer that I cannot get in Indonesia in civil engineering. Also, after I read New Zealand's universities blog, I found lecturers that is really open mind, and the most important is their research is really concern in recycling waste material.

This point very encourages me to take study in there. For all Indonesian people know, today, in Indonesia many people live in bad condition with bad environment. Furthermore, much more people are homeless, live in dirty place with thousands ton rubbish surround them. Other people live crowded area with unsuitable house. This problem comes because of many people have lack money so, they can buy the appropriate house for living. This causes many other problems, such as, children diseases, the increasing of homeless etc. Those is increasing year by year. In other hands, temperature and weather in Indonesia change unstably. This is because global warming that causes of many factories activities to product industrial material.

For all reasons above, I want to be an engineer that can recycle many waste things-waste materials for building, to be the useful things especially for house living for many people in Indonesia. Recycling is not only for economically reasons but also for earth life reason. Actually, waste material is in research too in here, but the improvement of this research is still bad. This is because of many main reasons-limited lab tools, limited litteratures, and limited money for research. Those reasons are very urgent for thousands researcher in Indonesia.

This is much different from New Zealand that has good management in in recycling rubbish and waste material. Moreover, I read the current research in many universities in there that actually much higher qualified than many research in here in the same field with my future research. So, by receiving this scholarship I hope I can improve my skill in recycling waste material to be the useful one. Even though, this is just a small think that I can do, I hope I can provide the more economical living place for many people that is unlucky to have proper house to grow their children. I think the way to help human is by full fill their primer needs such as house and food.

Writing Feedback / ielts writing task - Causes of obesity and worsening people's health and fitness [5]

Dear all, thank you for all suggestions that you gave to me. Now, for several times, i beg you to help me with your helpful advice for my writing.

best regards.
Aji
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Today, selling of slim medicine is increasing. This shows that the number of fat people is rising. By seeing this fact, we know that their health is also getting worse. This is because, today, fat causes many diseases-cholesterol and heart attack. Maybe, fewer exercise and high stress can be the main factors of this problem. The most important thing is the solution has to be found to overcome this problem.

Based on the causes of health decreasing above-less exercise and big stress, people have to spend their time everyday about 15 minute to take some exercises. Because, exercise can make the blood flows freely and cracks the fat in our body. Reducing stress is also essential. Even though we live in industrial era that is full of deadline, sometimes as workers, we have to entertain ourselves, in once a week. Joy of life is more important than earning money, because the purpose of getting money is to make our life happy.

In Indonesia, for example, many employees do exercise and entertain themselves in a simple way. For instance, after work, usually they do futsal with their colleague from the same department to refresh their body. From this activity, people can be healthy and fun in the same time. Many companies that have a gathering sport programs in Indonesia, proves that the health quality of their employees is increasing.

For the last, doing exercise is never work successfully if persons stand with bad habit in eating fat food. Avoiding junk food and fat food are so effective to reduce the fat in our body. Fat burning system in our body has limited capacity, so the system will be error if we add much fat every day. Adding vegetables and fruit in our menu is very suggested to every single person that want to be healthy.

Overall, I strongly recommend three solutions above-exercise, entertainment, and reducing fat food, because the solutions have been proven work in Indonesia. But, the solutions are never work if we do those in unbalance portion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, TASK; 'In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues' [3]

Dear all. As usual, I need your advice to fix my bad writing. Your advice is a way to me.
best regards
Aji

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as
completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning
and taking responsibility.
What are your opinions on this?

In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues. Most people refuse paid work for children in Indonesia, only minority persons who support it for the name of education. However, I believe that working for children is useful as long as appropriate with their skill and age.

The cases that are happening now are caused the adults see child workers as usual employees in work quality. Whereas, children have small body and small strength if we compare to adults. Also, they still lack of experience in working. So, for all employers that want to employ children, they have to understand about this limitation.

However, today, private industries do not care about it. They concern in profit, they employ children from noon until night. The work will take their playing and study time. This really happens in my country, Indonesia. This work type never educates children at all.

But, this will be different if employer consider the children's capability. They responsible to the consequence in having child workers-limitation in strength and experience. For example, when I was a child, I worked in a farm field. I work for 3 hours, from 1 pm to 4 pm, three days a week. The employer gave me the small jobs, such as, feeding animals, picking cucumber and watering vegetables. Even though I only got less money, but I felt so fun. Because, for the first time I was exist like adult, they treated me like responsible person not the spoiled child. They believed to me, this is the big deal for the children who usually needed attention from the adults. I learned a lot in saving money, because I knew how hard to earn money. I also learned that many people have harder life, because they have to work harder than me. After work time, I still have time to study and go to mosque with my friends.

Based on my experience above, I strongly believe that paid work is useful for children. This is because work educates children to be more sensitive in social and responsible. Those aspects shape children to be great leader in the future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: leisure time - joblessness people take the highest place in the race [5]

HY all, Please give me advice for my writing. The more you give the more you will get, thanks a lot

The chart below shows the amount of leisure time enjoyed by men and women of different employment status.
Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below

The bar chart illustrates how much leisure time enjoyed by men and women in various employment status.

Overall, Joblessness people take the highest place in the race.

Three categories-employed (full-time), unemployed, retired, are dominated by men from the start, while in the two categories-employed (part-time) and housewives, there are no men in the chart. In the men group, Employed takes the lowest amount of hours about 43 hours, then rises significantly in two categories-Unemployment and retired, about 85 hours.

There are five categories for women in having leisure time. As men, Unemployed and retired group for women, take the first place at 79 hours. These groups are followed by Housewives and employed (part-time) at about 58 hours and 43 hours respectively. The last place is taken by employed (full-time) at under 40 hours.

In conclusion, even though women are always in the second rank, they take the much more time to enjoy leisure time are than men. This is because, in the ranks, men only exist in three groups.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Freedom in showing creation is the right for every creative artist [7]

Dear all, please give me more and more suggestion, to help me improve my skill in writing.
best regards

Creative artists should be given the freedom to express their own ideas in whichever they wish. However, there are should be restrictions on what they do. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Freedom in showing creation is the right for every creative artist. Certainly, government has to control it. Personally, I agree with this opinion because the government have right to manage their people.

However, sometimes, the government pressed the media and artist too much. Moreover, they try to shut them up. This is usually, done by politicians that stand in main position. This obligation is taken to cover the bad attitude that they do behind the scene. This can be included to violation in giving opinion. This will cause skepticism in politics. If this happens, people in a country will not be aware to their country situation.

In other hands, a freedom without limitation is very dangerous. This can cause some crime activities. One example is when a few of comedians-In indonesia, today, make some satire jokes that address to corrupt person, sometimes, they talk too much. Furthermore, they judge the person that relate to corruption cases, whereas the case is still running in the court and still does not proven yet. If this happens, the comedian can be demanded for defamation case. Here, the role of government is needed to do surveillance and make restrictions in expressing idea. For all people know, the rule is made to limit the person's right, so that his right will never hurt another's right. Then, everybody can live in peaceful life.

In conclusion, limitation idea is useful to shape good situation. But, the limitation is has to be made in good proportion. Therefore, everyone (including artist) can express his feeling without break another one's right.

Letters / Letter of recommendation - Master Program [8]

Dear all, I need you suggestion to repair my letter of recommendation that will be signed by my lecturer. please...thank you

I am one of the professors in Civil Engineering Department, University of XX. I am very happy, to write this recommendation for further studies MissXXX. I first met Miss XXX in my class-Concrete Structures. She showed excellent performance in this class. She was always be the first person who understand and done very well every assignment that I gave. She is an active student, she took initiative in her work and was highly regarded in the discussion group. For these reason I gave her grade A in this class. She also took my bridge class, compare to the class average, Miss XXX earned grade A in the class.

She has good manner and warm personality. She always helped her low intelligent friend to make them understand topic of subject in every discussion and course.

I highly recommend her to be a New Zealand ASEAN Scholars Award recipient. I am sure that she will be a postgraduate student whose great talents as engineer in the future.

Undergraduate / from a waste to house - replacing cement Portland by waste brick in housing [4]

Dear all, please gives me your advice to repair and improve my writing. thank you

In more than 500 words describe specifically how your proposed study and/or research will enable you to contribute to the social or economic development of your home country.

The infrastructure in my country still has low quality and quantity for many people in whole islands. There are many cases that is happening to

Today, providing appropriate and economical houses for poor people is still be the big problem to city council in M. Even though the government has tried to press the cost for living houses, the houses' price are still expensive for much more people in M. Honestly, this problem is happening in most all big cities in Indonesia such as Surabaya, Jakarta, Bandung.

One of factors that causes high cost for living project is the cost of material. One of main materials in building is Portland cement. Almost all parts in the building need Portland cement-brick glue, wall-filler, floor glue. Portland cement is the material that contains pozzolan. Pozzolan is the unsure that contains of silica. Brick is one of materials that contain of silica. Utilization wasting brick in Indonesia is far away from maximum. Whereas, this utilization can reduce much cost for building material. Moreover, from the last research that conducted by ...(...), it was proven that cement Portland has over strength if this used in the wall or concrete for housing construction. So, using Portland cement actually, is one of wasting of quality and fees aspects in housing construction.

Using waste brick in housing construction is not only solving extravagance problems in housing construction, but also can keep our earth from global warming. This is because, by replacing cement pozzolan with waste brick, we have reduce the CO (Carbon monoxide) from Portland production, un-directly. According to Global Cement Directory (2012), In Indonesia producing cement from the biggest cement company is 17Mt/yr in 2010, but this number will be on target to produce over 25Mt in 2012 and that it will ramp production up to 30Mt/yr in 2015. This will increase production of CO2 that today contributes about 25,7% emission in most Indonesian big cities (Housing Research and Development Center of Research and Development of the Department of Public Works: 2005).

If we stand with Portland, so we make Portland companies produce more and more cement. Also, the producing process of waste brick to be cement is done without fabrication. This can be another advantage in environment and economical aspect in using waste brick.

Based on my explanations above, replacing cement Portland by waste brick in housing construction is very important and urgent. This is because necessity of housing for high population and country, and many advantages that we can get from waste brick cement process.

Research Papers / Portland cement - waste brick: environmentally friendly standards [2]

dear all, please give me advice for my master research plan...

Nowadays, Portland cement is the main material to cement for living house construction. Whereas, Portland cement has main weakness that relate to strength and cost efficiency as material construction for living house.

Portland cement was proven has higher strength far above the standard cement for housing (xx: 20xx). Cement companies need high energy and cost to produce high quality cement. This causes the price of cement is getting expensive-about $6 per sack and climbs up to 24% in the last two years (xx: 2xx). Ironically, the strength of Portland cement will cause the bricks shrink that force restraint, if the strength is higher than brick. This will increase the number of cracks on the wall (xxx: 2xx) so that the house will not able to withstand seismic waves. This shows that Portland cement is not save for housing in the earthquake prone areas.

In the environment aspect, producing cement processes is dangerous for air. This is because Cement production is one of emitters in the Earth. According to International Exx's data, the amount of Carbon dioxide (CO2) that had been produced by producing cement in 19xx was 2x,x billion ton or around x% from all CO2 in this earth. This number will rise equally with the growth of industrial cement product (xx,20xx).

All negative effects above, never reduce using of cement in housing construction. This is proven by the demand of cement climbs 2.5% per year (xxx: 20xx). This is caused people have no enough another alternative in cement that more appropriate in hosing that Portland cement.

This needs another cement that is not only appropriate with construction standard but also environmentally friendly to overcome these problems. One of the solutions is using powder of wasting brick. Waste brick from house reconstruction that is still has limited utilization can be used in cement mix. Brick had been proved contains silica and alumina (xxx: 20xx). Silica and Alumina are the elements forming of pozzolan.

Scholarship / present field study; 'I mixed concrete with rubber' [3]

dear all, please give me suggestion to fix my writing. thank you

I am student of Civil Engineering in xxx. I learned about building, material of building, dam, water, and transportation system. In my college I ever did many research. My first research is about planning of rural areas, then light SCC concrete. In the second research I mixed concrete with rubber. The rubber has elastic character that can add the strength of concrete.

My undergraduate thesis was concerned in Foundation design. I made comparison between bored pile and pile foundation then choosed which one was more appropriate for chimney building in Bxxx, East xx. I made comparison in some aspects-strength, construction cost, and settlement. To find the final decission, it is important to do soil identification. Then, bearing capacity of soil has to be counted. Soil bearing capacity will show how much the external strength will be needed by the building. This external strength will be suplied by foundation.

The result shows that bored pile is much cheaper than pile foundation, but bored pile has lower strength than pile foundation. The prediction of settelement of bored pile is higher than pile foundation.

Eventhough from quality aspects-strength and settlement, pile foundation is better than bored pile, bored pile stiil be the choosen. This is because of limitation of cost project