Writing Feedback / Summary Article : The six best places to try modern 'martabak' in Jakarta. [6]

Hallo guys, here is my summary from The Jakarta Post's article.
I really hope that you will give me some critics and suggestions to improve my writing skill. Thank you for your concern!

The six best places to try modern 'martabak' in Jakarta.

Indonesia is popular with a lot of traditional cuisine. One of the popular dishes from Indonesia is martabak which is known as the king of Indonesian street food. Nowadays, many seller of martabak create an innovation to increase their profit. Jakarta as a capital city of Indonesia provides many martabak's seller which has various tastes and shapes. Many people curious which is the best delicious martabak in there. Based on the data, there are six places which is recommended to try the best taste of martabak which has unique names.

Martabakku Menteng is one of the innovation dishes. The combination of modern styles with classic Indonesian cuisines serves the best taste of martabak. Besides martabakku menteng give several filling like red velvet or oreo. It also uses traditional ingredients such as gula jawa (palm sugar) and shredded coconut. Next outlets are Martabak Gokil. As one of the recent brands of modern martabak. It plays its role very nicely and neatly. This brand purposes for perfection and quality and also mentions creativity. The visitor can even make their own martabak by mixing several things from the menu. The other stands are Martabak Boss, Markobar, Bang! Martabak, and the last is Martabak Blackpool.

Writing Feedback / INTRODUCTIONS FOR ESSAYS ABOUT DIFFERENT ISSUES - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 [2]

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Please give me writing feedback in my writing to help me create a better essay next time. I really hope that you will give me some correction to improve my writing skill. Thank you

Exercise 1
As global trade increases, many goods, including those we use on a daily basis, are produced in other countries and have to be transported long distances.

Do the benefits of this trend out weight the drawbacks?

Introduction 1
Nowadays, a global trade expand significantly, many nations has been importing commodity from others countries. As a consequently, it will took a long a long length of transportation. The easiness of trading will give the advantages and disadvantages. I am personally believe that such policy gives more benefit rather than drawback which I will explain in the following paragraphs.

Exercise 2
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experiences.

Introduction 1
Recently, many children take some kind of paid occupation because of economic's instability in several nations. There have responsibility to help their family's financial problems. Certain people observe that this is completely unacceptable, while others believe it will give great work experience. As such I will discuss both of perspectives in the following paragraphs.

Exercise 3
Unpaid community service should be compulsory part of high school program (for example, working for charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sport to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Introduction 1
These days, many new ideas arise aiming to improve society and reinforce the relation between community's members. One of the suggested ideas is to create the unpaid community services compulsory part for high school students to do some programs of course charity one, to support their organization. Certain people strongly discuss that these programs should be included in high school education. Personally, I am persuade that community service should be part of high school programs by several reasons.

Writing Feedback / Benefits and drawbacks of modern technology. Writing Body Paragraph IELTS Writing Task 2. [2]

Hello guys, please left comment here to support my next essay to be better than before!! Bold sentence is given by the book, so I'm trying to write a counter argument paragraph below it. Your feedback is very welcome. Thank you for your concern.

One Idea Paragraph

The main benefit of modern technology is that people's live are much more convenient. This is because we are able to do many things without having to stay at the office or home, something which is extremely important given the busy lifestyle of today. For example, most people now have a mobile phone or laptop computer, and Wi-Fi is available in virtually every place. As a result, people are able to do their homework, liaise with colleagues or friends, and check their emails anywhere they choose such as in coffee shops or while travelling on a train or bus. There is no doubt that this has improved people's lives in many ways and this would not have been possible without improved technology.

However, one of the biggest concerns about modern technology today is Social Isolation. It increases dramatically since the introduction of Internet which support sophisticated devices better than before. As it can be seen from the facts that, a great number of people are spending more time for playing video games, learning how to use new cutting-edge gadget, using social networks and they neglect their real life. As consequences, technology has replaced our old way of interacting. If a user can easily interact with 100 friends online, they will feel no need to going out to make real friends which at a later stage leads to loneliness. Therefore, It is evident that modern technology is likely to deteriorate our social connection each others if it is not compensated with awareness user to use modern technology wisely.

Multiple Idea Paragraph

There is no doubt that modern technology has improved people's live in many ways. Firstly, people's live are much more convenient because we have devices such as mobile phones, meaning that people can communicate when and where they like, not just in the office or home. In addition, people are living much longer lives due to the advance in medical technology, with doctors now able to carry out complicated heart surgery and other operations that were not possible many years ago. People's live have also improved around the home. Evidence of this can be seen with all the devices that are now readily available to people that save time such as microwaves, washing machines, and dish washers. None of this would have been possible without advances in technology.

However, there are several opinions that mentioned the drawbacks are also likely to occur. Although sophisticated technology has improve people's live and give a great number of easiness ,there is no doubt that modern technology will give effect to social life. Social isolation is one of main problem since people are spending more for time playing video games, learning how to use new modern technologies, using social networks and they neglect their real life. Another reason, cutting-edge technology will increase the number of unemployment. Robots are doing the jobs which used to be done by humans. This is good news for businesses because it helps them increasing their profit and serve customers in time, but it is bad news to employees because they get replaced by a robot.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Degree Study Abroad [2]

Hi friend, please give me writing feedback to improve my writing skill. Thank for your concern.. no more than 1 essay at a time please.

Task 2

In the past, when students did a university degree, they tended to study in their own country.
Nowadays, they have more opportunity to study abroad.
What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?
You should use your own ideas, knowledge, and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence

This is no doubt that the number of students which study overseas increase dramatically since the rise of scholarship to study in another countries. It is different from the previous years when the students tended to study in local university. Study overseas will give the benefits and drawbacks in the future which i will explain in the following paragraphs.

Nowadays, there are a great number of scholarships supported by government or large company. Making a good connection is the main purpose of the scholarship. It will give advantages not only for the sponsor but also the student. The connection of two countries get many easiness to build cooperative in many sector and the student will improve their networking. For example, a plenty of student want to study overseas with LPDP scholarship funded by Indonesia government depict that their networking increase dramatically since they make a good connection with many students from other countries and promote Indonesia as a good destination to travel around world. Therefore, study abroad university will create their countries more popular than before.

However, study overseas will give drawbacks when student cannot control their awareness of the purpose of study. It can decrease their nationalism. As it can be seen that a lot of students who study abroad tent to dwelling in other country. They won't to back in their country because of the cutting-edge technology is good than their nation. Therefore, study overseas can drop the intellectual occupant which should help develop country to be better than before.

In conclusion to that, study abroad have benefits and drawbacks which should be pay attention to student before make a decision to continue their higher education in across the globe. The self emotional should be paid attention so they still love their country as much as possible. As consequently, after they finished their study. They will come back in their country and contribute their horizon to their society.

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  Task 1
  

Writing Feedback / The variety of essay exercises - IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - CONCLUSION and EXAMPLE [2]

Hello !
The following is my essay practice divided into two separated sections: Conclusion and Example.
I really welcome some feedback and comment to improve my writing skill.
Thanks for your concern..

For Conclusion part

Exercise 2
Question 1
As global trade increases, many goods, including those we use on a daily basis, are produced in other countries and have to be transported long distances.

Answer:
Whether or not, it is evident that the advantages of importing goods from others countries is apparently outweigh the disadvantages. Although importing products to another countries will increase dependence on other nations, the disadvantage of instability of local product will for outweigh any benefits.

Question 2
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience.

Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

Answer:
To sum up, it is clear that a great number of children taking part in variety of paid job controversy in society. Based on my explanation, I tend to disagree with such idea because childhood period should be filled by learning to increase their ability and skills where the work experience can be gained from helping their parents.

Question 3
Unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programs (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sports to younger children).

To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Answer
In conclusion, I believe that community service should be implemented in the high school program as there are numerous advantages of carrying community services. Apart from that, teenagers will learn to control their emotional.

The last part for example
There have been major advances in technology over recent decades and this has led to significant improvements in people's lives.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Points for :
The spread of internet positive development because everyone has easy access to so abundance of information. A good example of this is a great number of students can access information easily. Many websites provide a certain quality of subject material such as IELTS material which can be downloaded by everyone in everywhere, the pattern of IELTS writing test, and many more. All of the materials will improve student's horizon. As consequently, they tend to study facilely and broaden their horizon. Therefore, the introduction of internet will give positive impact in social life if it used wisely.

Against for :
However, there are also drawbacks because of the easy access to dangerous sites. For instance, a large number of websites provide pornography information which influence children behavior negatively. A great number of pornography accident occur in the children who is age below 17 years old for several countries. As a result more young generation in more nations less their good moral. Hence, the control from the parents and government is one of the ways to secure the children from the disaster of pornography.

Writing Feedback / It is certain that the clear water resource became a rarity in the several countries. [2]

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Fresh water has always been a limited resource in some parts of the world. Today, however, growing worldwide demand has made this a global problem.

What are the causes of increased demand and what measures could governments and individuals take to respond to this problem?

There is no doubt that clear water has been a scare resource in the several countries. Nowadays, universal access to fresh water sources has become a burning issue since overpopulation become a predominant problem in plenty of nations. Both government and individual have a duty to find solutions for these pressing issues by taking responsibility to keep environment naturally.

Currently limited resources of clean water are caused by rapidly growing populations in many countries. A good example of this is a good number of citizens will lead to the increasing number of household waste. According to the data show that only 42.8 of Indonesian occupant has domestic waste treatment. As consequently, 58.2% of household disposes then splits of household directly to river. Therefore, the springs will be contaminated and lead the clear water scarcity.

In terms of solutions, the government should be largely responsible for supported by the act responsibly of inhibitions to address these problems. For instance, individual can stop throwing rubbish into the river and also planted a tree in every house. This would lead to a greener world. In addition, the measures of government very necessary to motivated the act by assigning fine to citizen who guilty of polluting fresh water areas and presenting educational programming water reuse and fresh water. Therefore, expected demand of clear water will be resolved.

To sum up, it is clear that the problems caused by overpopulation in many countries are very serious. Yet, if governments and individuals share a collective responsibility, it may well decrease fresh water scarcity.

Writing Feedback / People's lives are much more comfortable since the introduction of cutting-edge the internet [2]

The internet has made human lives more convenient. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

People's lives are much more comfortable since the introduction of cutting-edge the internet. I would more likely to agree that such device not only makes human easy to access up-to-date information but also setting up to new business.

The spread of the internet is a positive development since a great number of people can access the latest news either local or international. A good example of this is one of the popular websites in Indonesia namely jakartapost provide information in many sectors which being broadcast 24 hours a day and the reader can access online easily by using their computer or smart phone which is ubiquitous in every corner of world. As a result, internet has changed the way to save time and energy.

In addition, the internet help a large number of companies gain larger markets, audiences and create services that reach out to customers. There are many ways to promote their products. For instance, the development of trading increase dramatically since introduced online shop. It provides the fun of shopping from virtual market. As a result, life style has become so sedentary, with the ease of everything online.

To sum up, I would argue there is sufficient evidence to demonstrate that the internet made life easier for us particularly to enrich our horizon and to build the good connection between producer and customer to get a big profit. Nevertheless, the government must protect the internet users from cyber crime which became one of the dangerous accidents.

Give me writing feedback to improve my writing skill..thank you..