Writing Feedback / Writing 2: people think instead of preventing climate change, we need to find a way to live with it [7]

Hope, this will help.


Arlen, you've demonstrated a great consciousness as a writer, but I've to say you still need to work hard on Subject-Verb agreement, Vocabulary choice. Like here

Essays / Help me to decide the content, length, structures of the scholarship essay below. [6]

@Holt
I've hardly managed to shorten my essay upto this, so please look after my content and grammar and do comment anything.

THE RISE :

By plotting a simple brute-force attack to the Subisu's (a National Internet Service Provider) network-bridge as anonymous in the workgroup, I had gained access to my neighbors' Wireless stations and traced entire devices' MAC addresses following the restriction of access by activating the built-in MAC filtration protocol. This juvenile delinquency of manipulating wireless networks in vicinity- though I never practiced severe cyber felonies -was maneuvering my enthusiasm towards something revolutionary in modern communication: Utmost Reinforcement of Cyber Security. From controversial incidents like Russian intrusion in American election to the global economic treachery of Panama Papers, this omnipresence of cyber vulnerability psyched me up to enlighten myself with exclusive technical knowledge on cyber forensics. I now believe that for strict maintenance of upright cyber-world, conventional digital communication standards ought to be furnished with Neuroscientific advancements-cum-Artificial Intelligence (A.I) capabilities. All these years I've been stranded in the technological archaism of my locale; however, I've still kept an eye on specific researches online. Hence, I've realized that through a biologically-hybrid principle of miniaturizing micro-electro-mechanical technologies, we can probably invent invulnerable systems superbly optimized in terms of architecture, power consumption, intercommunication, and further motivate their installation as the building blocks for new energy-efficient and eco-friendly initiatives.

THE MAKING:
I aspired to build a robot the day I watched the sci-fi movie 'Robocop'. With random electronics and junk wires, I began soldering the kits without anyone's knowledge. The machine didn't really do anything-other than get me into trouble: it turned out that those "random" parts were rather costly RCA tubes preserved by my dad. Still, such household fiascoes couldn't discourage me from participating in Yantra, a Robotics Team Competition featuring robotic moguls with their sophisticated machineries, unlike my homemade recreational toys. Although I was acquainted with the programmability of microcontrollers, I lacked the knowledge of the Voice-delivery modules for my Information-bot. I was always a solitary techie getting my hands dirty in diverse technical entities: from coding a bulletin software for my high-school's administration to designing User Experience for an application of Jaycees. One summer I trained myself to animate infographics while the next I grasped computer programming. However, this time I was bound to team up with my fellow techies from the ICT & Science Club to compete in such a prestigious National event-for I recollected all those thought-provoking discussions on Machine Learning & Language Processing we had during high-school leisure. Conclusively, though our team secured a minimal honor in the competition, watching our creation do something as simple as speaking out few instructions was exhilarating, particularly when we had built it on a short notice with praiseworthy team-spirit. After my high-school graduation, at Jhakaas Solutions(a Tech solutions company), I not only teamed up with the cyber-security professionals as an intern, but I also picked up various entrepreneurial & technical experiences while the official crew collaborated to secure the workstations of a number of local Nepalese commercial enterprises from critical cyber offense.

AT XXX:
XXX's prestigious science and research departments- esp.The Center for Integrated Sciences-equipped with state-of-the-art technology and pioneering approach towards education is what I need to kick off my pursuit of lessening cybercrimes by perfecting Neural Networking with Deep learning progressions. Under the supervision of world's finest educators and researchers like David Vellajir and Ras O'Connell, I will not only be getting mileage out of top-notch laboratories, but I'll also be cooperating with the elites of Dartmouth-via Dual Degree Engineering Program. XXX's high-tech arrangements on Jarder Hall-Linux & Computer lab- along with several sophisticated computing and engineering courses, like Artificial Intelligence (CS-322), Numerical Algorithms (MC-316), etc. could enlighten me about the sustainable employment of futuristic technologies towards conglomeration of Neuroscience and A.I for Cyber Security: synthesis of a Neuro-scientifically sophisticated Cyber Space.

Having accomplished some appreciable leadership ventures, I'm also looking forward to directing my own volunteering project through the prestigious Honors Forum. I'm frankly excited about XXX's association with Pi Mu Epsilon; witnessing remarkable innovations on Mathematics from miscellaneous partakers at the annual conference will further broaden my understanding as well as befriend me with some Mathematical virtuosos. Furthermore, I've premeditated to represent XXX's Mathematics division at the Hudson River Undergraduate Mathematics Conference by putting forward a research on 'Statistical Optimization of Neural Transceivers', not to mention the significance of integrating statistical foundations with neuroscientific establishments for débuting an artificial neural internet.

Writing Feedback / The Urgency of Prohibition to Mobile Phone Utilization in Public Places (Writing IELTS Task 2) [4]





Wahyu, I honestly think you've intentionally employed whole lot of vocabulary in this article. Let me say that such vast use of diction is toxic for the overall presentation of your essay. You'd rather simply convey your message via common but unique words.

Best

Essays / Help me to decide the content, length, structures of the scholarship essay below. [6]

@Holt This one is for a different college than my previous threads. I've divided it into three sections. I've skipped the list of my extracurricular and achievements, but I've talked about them on my second section. Check this out, please.

The rise :
As my neighbor, Mr.Shakya, had already threatened me a couple of times to not mess with his private (highly secured) network, I-a mischievous 8th grader- used to hole up in my bedroom when he frequently complained my parents about his dysfunctional ADSL router: by plotting a simple brute-force attack to theSubisu's (a National Internet Service Provider) network-bridge being incognito in the workgroup, I had gained access to his Wireless Nanostation and traced the family's entire devices' MAC addresses following the restriction of access from their own wireless network by activating the built-in MAC filtration protocol. With diverse technical skillsets regarding network topologies, I, however, never practiced severe cyber felony which could've critically injured several institutions' database & privacy and I'd be behind bars. This juvenile delinquency of manipulating wireless networks in vicinity-often bummed out my family and neighbors-was maneuvering my vehemence towards something revolutionary in Wireless technology:Utmost Reinforcement of Cyber Security. From controversial incidents like Russian intrusion in American election to the global economic treachery of Panama Papers, this omnipresence of cyber vulnerability psyched me up to enlighten myself with exclusive technical knowledge on Cyber Forensics as well as dedicate my effort towards strengthening of network security in my locality rather than the habitual commitment for cyber-infraction. I now believe that for strict maintenance of upright cyber-world, conventional digital communication paradigms ought to be equipped with Neuroscientific advancements-cum-Artificial Intelligence (A.I) capabilities. In reality, this obsession to investigate the feasibility of bio-neural connectivity, using Silicon chips and Nano-electronics, sparked in my psyche during a lecture on Human Anatomy- when the professor presented a flowchart that demonstrated the intercommunication between the nerve cells (Neurons) via electric impulses. Although I've been stranded in the technological archaism of my locale, I've still kept an eye on the researches and journals of several tech enthusiasts online. Through them I've realized that by following a biologically-hybrid principle of miniaturizing microelectronic and micro-electro-mechanical technologies for the realization of smart machineries from the molecular components, we can probably invent invulnerable systems, superbly optimized in terms of architecture, power consumption, intercommunication, and further motivate their installation as the building blocks for new energy-efficient and eco-friendly initiatives.

The making:
I aspired to build a robot the day I watched the sci-fi movie 'Robocop'. With random electronic parts and junk wires, I began soldering the kits without anyone's knowledge. The machine didn't really do anything-other than get me into trouble: it turned out that those "random" parts were rather costly RCA tubes preserved by my dad. Still, such household fiascoes didn't hold me back from participating in Yantra, a Robotics Team Competition featuring robotic moguls & brilliant high-schoolers with their sophisticated machineries, unlike my homemade recreational toys. Although I was acquainted with the programmability of microcontrollers, I lacked the knowledge of the Voice-delivery modules for my Information-bot. I was always a solitary techie getting my hands dirty in diverse technical entities: from making a bulletin software for my high-school administration to designing UX for an application of Jaycees foundation. I was ignorant of the significance of team-work in today's fluctuating technical empire because I didn't ever sense helpless while I was assigned any sort of responsibility related to my computing forte. One summer I trained myself to animate infographics while the next summer I mastered the art of mediocre computer programming. However, this moment wasn't one of those summer vacations and I was bound to team up with my Science Club buddies from high school. Throughout the process, I recollected all those thought-provoking discussions on Machine Learning & Language Processing I had been engaged in with my fellow techies from the Arniko's ICT & Science Club. I realized that those people were more than just few passersby of my high-school life, so I summoned a team for myself accomplished enough to compete in such a prestigious National event. The decision soon proved to be one of my wisest decisions, so far, as my friends implemented diverse skill-sets, from coding fluent voice-delivery mechanism to the embellishment of system architecture, in finalizing our robot's configuration. After a fortnight of restless collaboration for building our bot and finally contesting in the event, I was gratified to the nth degree while witnessing the dominance of team-effort over my past technical insularity. Although our team secured a minimal honor of 'Innovative Bot' in the competition, watching our creation do something as simple as speaking out few instructions was exhilarating, particularly when we had built it on a short notice with praiseworthy team-spirit. After my high-school graduation at Jhakaas Solutions(a mediocre tech firm), I not only teamed up with the cyber-security professionals as an intern, but I also picked up various technical skills and entrepreneurial experiences while the official crew labored to secure the workstations of a number of local Nepalese commercial enterprises from critical cyber offense.

At XXX COLLEGE:
XXX's prestigious science and research department equipped with state-of-the-art technology and pioneering approach towards learning is what I need to kick off my pursuit of lessening cybercrimes, not to mention perfecting Neural Networking with Deep learning progressions. Under the supervision of world's finest educators and researchers like Mr.Bradley and Thomas O'Copper, I will not only be getting mileage out of top-notch laboratories from early freshmen days, but I'll also be teaming up with Neuroscience & A.I. enthusiasts from the elite institutions like MIT & Harvard- via Dual Degree Engineering Program. XXX's high-tech arrangements on Harder Hall-Linux lab & Computer lab- along with several sophisticated computing and engineering courses, like Artificial Intelligence (CS-322), Numerical Algorithms (MC-316), etc. could enlighten me about the sustainable employment of futuristic technologies towards conglomeration of Neuroscience and A.I for Cyber Security: synthesis of a Neuro-scientifically Intelligent Cyber Space.

Having accomplished some appreciable leadership ventures at my community, I'm also looking forward to directing my own volunteering project through the prestigious Honors Forum. I'm truly excited about XXX's association with Pi Mu Epsilon; witnessing remarkable innovations and strategies on Mathematics from miscellaneous partakers at the annual conference will further broaden my scope of understanding as well as befriend me with some Mathematical virtuosos. Furthermore, I've premeditated to represent XXX's Mathematics division at the Hudson River Undergraduate Mathematics Conference by putting forward a research on 'Statistical Optimization of Neural Transceivers' and by further disclosing the significance of integrating statistical foundations with neuroscientific establishments for débuting an artificial neural internet.

On a bigger picture, I am also looking forward to being professionally involved in a major A.I plus Neuroscience project for substituting contemporarily dumb networking entities with neurologically smart technology and revolutionizing the conventional digital storage and processing mechanisms for the sake of cybersecurity. Despite being an unprecedented communication paradigm,Intelligent Nano-networking demands an interdisciplinary approach with backings from highly experienced group of elites equipped with satisfactory infrastructures, which I readily discover at XXX.

Undergraduate / The brain chemistry. USC Supplemental Essay: How will you pursue your academic interests [5]




Overall, the article seems to have fulfilled the prompts demand. Congrats for that. But, still I think you could have mentioned about your future projects or plans on Neuroscience instead of mentioning about the school's science organizations. Well done.

Scholarship / 'the idea of being a doctor has developed in my mind' I am writing an essay for APIASF scholarship [4]

I hope these edits will help,



Vy, I felt that you've not understood the core demand of this prompt. Though you've fully explained your current and future endeavors regarding education, but I think the prompt is wanting to know about the impact you're gonna create which will not only maneuver your future, but also that of others. I can say that you can dig more deeper and present a more intriguing response. Otherwise, you've done quite a job. Well done.

Writing Feedback / The Line graphs of how much people in UK and US to spend on Petrol [8]





Diaz, I felt that you pressed more emphasis over presentation of the stats rather than clarifying the impacts of those figures. That's fine, however explaining the consequences won't hurt if your readers get more into your article and learn something. Mind it and do regard my suggestions.

Best.

Writing Feedback / Introductions and Overviews IELTS [4]

@krempetkov, I believe this will help.

Scholarship / Bucknell University Scholarship for Creative Writing - Ray Bucknell! [7]

@garibari


Though you've mentioned a bunch of skillsets you possess as a creative writer, but you gotta have some interrelationship with your own capabilites and how are they going to impact the campus, as a whole? Will it be effective in teaching your peers something special, never before seen in any any student.? You gotta dig deeper than that. Research Bucknell's website and sort out different aspects of the Bucknell which will welcome your special skill. Then, relate it to yourself. That's all the prompt is asking for.

Best.

Undergraduate / "The White Crayon" - Art School Admission Personal Statement REVIEW [3]





Diandra, please make sure you address my suggestions on your next version of this article and please tweak in some diction as well.
Best.

Undergraduate / I believe on Penn's education. Supplemental Essay for John Hopkins. [3]

@Harriet







you have a weak conclusion over here. It sounds like you're going to further describe about your future plans after this... so better replace this with a more convincing one.

I believe with a Penn education, I can achieve my dreams; the research opportunities and available awards will lead me to them.

Do post your revised version again on this thread.
Best.

Undergraduate / He who does not know where he is coming from will never get to his destination. [5]

@yeboah hanson, I think the following edits are suitable.





Overall, the content is impressive. Just don't overstate the term Notwithstanding, it sounds redundant. You may use other synonyms instead of that.

Best.

Undergraduate / 'What you have learned about yourself as a result of the volunteering activities.' (250) [4]

@Holt
Thanks a lot for your suggestions. What do you think about my latest version ?

11:50 A.M .
Keeping up with Nepal Red Cross Society in its volunteering projects is not a child's play, I routinely assist my district's chapter during disaster management & health care missions. Once, after multiple training sessions on handling of medical apparatuses and drugs, I was even assigned by the president to supervise a health check-up campaign during the aftermath of April 25th Megaearthquake. I didn't just acquire hands-on medical skills of dressing the delicate injuries & measuring blood pressure, but I also experienced an unusual delight while examining and providing first-aids to the victims. Hence, despite being a Science-cum-Engineering aficionado, I've now acknowledged my pharmaceutical gusto.

After few weeks of arriving back to our hometown, a praiseworthy initiative of Red Cross Society to collect charity for the quake victims and enlighten the passersby about Earthquake preparedness, through an influential street play, seemed worthy of my participation. We performed an act called "एघार पचास"- translated into English as Eleven Fifty, the approximate time of the catastrophic 2015's tremor- in eventful spots around the city. Through this artistic-cum-philanthropic venture with my humanitarian colleagues, I garnered an unprecedented acclaim for my appreciable dramatics, not to mention I've unraveled my new avatar. I have discovered that I am not just a bookworm burning midnight oil to sustain magnificent academics or an athlete toiling behind the soccer nets for the triumph, but I've established myself as a 'Hero'-a compelling stimulus towards the rejuvenation and attentiveness of several unacquainted-but-wounded Nepalese citizens simply via a street performance.

Undergraduate / "How you would use the education you obtain at our institution ?" (250) [4]

@Holt
The previous essays where I referred to Khan Academy were each for different colleges. No offence taken, but I understand your concern about the redundancy of Khan. For your information, I've only used that word for a single essay of a single college. How is my article overall, Holt? You just commented about Khan, is that all ? :D

Essays / Rochester Supplement on applying my powers to 'things needed to be done.' [6]


This my friend is a pretty demanding topic. I'd suggest you to dig a lot deeper and finalize how have you impacted you locale. I'm sure you've done an interesting and influential task. Mention that in brief and repost here, as the word limit is ridiculously just 100.

Undergraduate / Your 'ability to do' will appear in other parts of this application. The 'things needed to be done.' [3]

@marcusimwj


This my friend is a pretty simplistic approach towards such a demanding topic. I'd suggest you to dig a lot deeper and finalize how have you impacted you locale, rather than making a couple of orphans happy for a moment. I'm sure you've done a more interesting and influential task than that. Mention that in brief, as the word limit is ridiculously just 100.

Best.

Essays / What unique in Soccer and Economics courses? And what inspired you to apply to Union? Supplement [4]

@Ranaomershehzad
You can include an anecdote that will describe your passion to pursue Economics in Union. When it comes to Soccer, just elaborate on your athletic participation history and specific achievements (if any). I'd recommend to keep the spotlight over Economics rather than Soccer. A brief description of an extracurricular activity is acceptable, but a long and boring text just for soccer could be fatal to your overall presentation.

Best.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Compare the merits and demerits of having a car. [3]

I think the following edits would be more suitable:

Nowadays, many people believe that cars bring possess more positive attributes than the negative ,..

Cars are the easiest and cheapest mean of transportation, indeed.

...he wants due to the availability of urbane infrastructures in the most of the places ...

I am convinced that the utilization of cars should still continue.

George, overall the diction use is fine and your content is also appreciable. Well done. I advice you to use the connecting words only when necessary. Overuse of those tools can be fatal for your presentation. So, use it but under limit.

Writing Feedback / The cinema viewing vigures for all films, in millions [3]

@Diazalichsan
I've made the following edits to your article:







Overall your presentation of the data is fine, but I'd recommend you to structure your article in just two paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of primary need expenditures in Malaysia and Japan in 2010 [2]

@ichaa
I've made the following necessary corrections.




I would focus more over structuring your article. Two paragraphs would be enough for this text.

Writing Feedback / Art can soar economy of the country - spending money for it [5]

@Omerzafar
Here are some edits:


You can probably correct several common grammatical errors by revising your essay yourself. I find a lot of simple Subject-Verb disagreements, Article Mismatches..so on. Do that and repost it again.

Writing Feedback / Overpopulation of urban areas - problems and solutions [2]

@lalodhi
Here are few suggestions from me.

..., there has been significant rise in the urban population...
... and governments need to collaborate for tackling the overpopulation issues .

this sounds quite immature.
In this essay, I would assert on problems ...

Better write this:
The following essay will discuss about various problems and solutions regarding over-population in today's industrialized society.before delivering an appropriate conclusion.

Undergraduate / Reciting a poem backwards. Lehigh. You've just reached your one million hit on your youtube video. [7]

@alexgzm
It's still not about your talent that you learned when you're little. The prompt is directly asking you about how you utilize the Youtube service. Imagine you made a video about something that was productive for a lot of people/students, not just something about your freaky talent. Think much deeper and state what would you use as your video content that impacted several lives. Then, repost your essay agian.

Best.

Undergraduate / She knows what it feels like to be strong in STEM as a female. Barnard [5]


Then, you gotta have a more serious topic to discuss about, not just about the importance of encouraging woman to go into STEM fields, but something like The Impact of Calculus in Modern Astrophysics, The Rocket Science women figure..or something more interesting. Furthermore, I would recommend you to talk more about the specific topic you'll discuss with her than using unnecessary aesthetic statements. When it comes to your ending statement, I prefer the Red one to the Blue one, since it displays a little bit of aggressiveness within you.

Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

@Holt
Mary, Hackathon doesn't mean something that could harm the college's network. You misinterpreted that word. Even colleges themselves organize Hackathon events periodically. It's just a computing challenge to ensure competitiveness among the students towards Science/Technology. You needn't worry about that. Anyways, thanks again.

Undergraduate / I am an elastic and completely down-to-earth guy. A note to my future roommate. (250) [12]

@Holt
You are such a sweetheart. Here in Nepal we are simply offered a day's leave for Christmas. :) Merry Christmas and sound holidays to you and the family. Have a look and please complain about any dissatisfying aspects. [..]

Undergraduate / Nepal matters. Am I on the right track of this essay ? [6]

@Holt
With all due respect, don't you think the topic is itself asking for a wide observation (without any specific limit) ? If so, then would it work if I reduce the range of my article to the society where I grew up or my district ? What do you say ?

Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

@Holt
It was actually a team-event and also I've clarified that in my latest version of the essay (not posted). Are you telling me that showing an individualistic participation will be more impressive than mentioning the whole team ?

Undergraduate / Thrill interspersed with some doubts - CSID application [6]

@shuprova
Here are some suggestions.




You could use some space as:I was instantaneously thrilled-about my time with the disabled children- as well as doubtful-about my ability to mingle with unfamiliar faces.

You can discover similar areas to play with your words in the article
.Best.

Undergraduate / Long division and logarithms are not for me - what in exchange? [5]


Shuprova, I believe the prompt demands a more critical condition when you were completely opposed towards a principle/idea and wanted to prove others wrong. But, you however concluded that you're wrong the entire time, Or you proved others wrong.

Although, your article can be considered relevant to the prompt but a much theoretical approach would have been better I guess. Dig a little deeper.

Best.

Undergraduate / Lafayette College Supplement: "Why Lafayette?" "Why do you do what you do?" [11]


I would recommend you not to include this unnecessary information about your college browsing. Since the word count is limited, so you better invest those precious lines describing your impressions regarding the facilities. Overall, the composition is OK. Please repost after making the necessary recommended changes.

Undergraduate / COLLABORATION AND THE TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION [9]

@Holt
Thanks a lot. How about these edits?

However, this time I had to reach out to my Science Club buddies: which proved to be one of my wisest decisions as my friends implemented diverse skill-sets, from coding fluent voice-delivery mechanism to the embellishment of system architecture, for the finalization of our bot.

I was gratified to the nth degree .... Although our team secured a minimal honor of 'Innovative Bot' in the competition, watching our creation do something as simple as speaking few instructions was exhilarating, particularly when we had built it at a short notice with praiseworthy team-spirit.