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Posts by syamsiahRahim
Name: Syamsiah Rahim
Joined: Mar 26, 2017
Last Post: May 1, 2017
Threads: 9
Posts: 15  
Likes: 3
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Negeri Makassar

Displayed posts: 24
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syamsiahRahim   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Increasing parenting abilities in result of participating in specified courses [3]

It is necessary for parents to attend parenting training course to bring their children up. Do you agree or disagree?

attending parental courses



Parent's role is more crucial for their children because the children as the providing first education for children in order that many foundations make available parenting training course for parents. Some people argue it is important for parent to follow it to increase their children ability, Other however, think it is not really necessary. I personally believe that attend parenting training course is important.

Some parents believe that attend parenting training course can disturb their job and just spend much money because they have had ability enough to take over their children. A 2008 parenting survey result that 78% parents ignored to attend parenting course which they though is not beneficial on both themselves and their children and more choice to do their job.

Although those less benefit for some parents, attending parenting course can help parent to improve their knowledge about the right method for taking over children hence they can increase ability for their children. Hency, for example, who student that her parent always follow parenting training course and her parent always teach her, exhibit the good progress in school than the other student whose parent is less parenting training course. From this then I believe that it more crucial parent to follow course of parenting training.

Taking into consideration, attending course of parenting training for parent is spending money and time but the parent can take many advantages for their children hence become a good person because of it more important for parents to follow it. I recommended that the parents who are too busy should re-schedule their routine so they can attend in parenting training course.
syamsiahRahim   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some people think that a factory will bring many risks to the area they live in. [4]

hi Wilby

I will give you some feedback

I think it's no easy (to)discuss
it have(has)a few strong benefits (pay attention with subject and verb agreement)

at home this (these) benefits

abuilding of a large factory near living area have (has)

risks are more strong (stronger)
I think you should pay attention on your paragraphing, I think must add the evidence for your explanation because you paragraphing is lack information.
syamsiahRahim   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Causes why young people have not much time for their needs and are under lots of pressure to study [3]

hi maily

I have read your essay and will give you some feed back

I think you has given a clear overview but you should present your clear position throughout respond the essay question.

The last cause to mention is the future jobs. (...)

You should complete your explanation with evidence to make your essay more logically.
also, try to use more connector device to make your essay coherence and cohesion.
syamsiahRahim   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Two pictures - remarkable changes to Foster Road [2]

The diagram shows proposed changes to Foster Road.
Write a 150-word report describing the proposed changes for a local committee.


many alterations on the road as a result of its reconstruction



The diagrams give information about the proposal to change Foster Road between SE 84th and 85th avenue road before and after installation. Overall, it is interesting to notice that there will many alterations in Foster road after it reconstruction and the remarkable changes is provided trees along both of street side.

At the beginning, before installation the street has a wide lanes car where two cars can run out consecutive in one direction. Furthermore, the side of street has just used for electricity installation.

Moving to the second picture after installation, it can be seen that the lanes for car will be reduced and the both of side will become bicycle lanes. Moreover, in the end of the street will be provided new crossing for pedestrian near from gas station, in the middle of it will consist of traffic light. Likewise, planting trees will be provided in along both sides of the street.




syamsiahRahim   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / How to be a good mother or father - you can learn it! [4]

Hi anhy..

I will give you some feedback

...to controll (control) the children's development
All of this(these) needs

the first school for every children (child) in the world
he is 8 years old and have (has) a hedonisme (hedonism)

All in all, parents are the key word of children's life.(no need point) that is why,
parenting course is very meaningfull (meaningful)

I think you should more pay attention with spelling and Subject and verb agreement
syamsiahRahim   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: Foster Road' Alterations [4]

Hi anhy ..

I will give you some feedback
avenue as the result of instalation (pay attention with your spelling)
road-arrangement facilities' existances (existence) (you must not put "s" for existence because it noun Uncountable while it countable it should be singular)

the instalation consist (consists) of two main ways

there is no plants neither on left nor right side of the way. (if you use neither...nor in your sentence you do not need mention "no" because" neither...nor" has marked about it)

the new crossing road build beside the traffic lights.(this sentence should be passive form)
syamsiahRahim   
May 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / Proposed change of Foster Road [2]

Hi agus_mono

I will give you some feedback
the care (car) lane will be narrowed down (pay attention with spelling)

This mean that the number of car is reduce in the road (I think this is your individual perspective while in the writing task 1 you should mention data that is provided in the diagram)

I think there also significant changes that you do not mention from the picture
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Less tasks for kids - how good or bad is this change? [2]

Children in some parts of world have less responsibility compared to children in the past. Some people think this is a positive change. However others think of it as negative change. What is your opinion?

Children have now more time for themselves - analysis of this phenomenon



Child is a valuable asset in the future generation. Children development is more crucial for parents, but today children lack their responsibility while it compare with children in the past, However many people argue that it is a positive change. I personally believe that it negative change because it has many demerits either in school or in society.

Taking less responsibility in school at the first, many schoolchildren today show less responsibility, For example, In my country Indonesia, many students left their house to go to school but in fact they went to game store and spent their time to play game and they forget their obligation to attend the class. As result, it is not good for their performance at school and make their reduced their grade in school,, from this evident, I believe that less responsibility on children make bad impact for their ability.

Moving to demerit that appearing in society, Nowadays, Some Vandalism that happened in society that doing by children, it is more make society worried about. For example, many children compete to make gravity in the street wall, they make it without pay attention with the wall owner. Furthermore, If the owner found them, they would run out and opened their responsibility as crime agent.

Taking into consideration, the changing of the children become lees responsibility is more damage because it has many disadvantages for either this children or people around them. I recommended that children should be taught the attitude to be more responsibility.
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Manufacturing steps - from raw material to ready for distribute frozen fish pies [2]

The diagram below gives information about the manufacture of frozen fish pies.

frozen fish pies production



The diagrams exhibit information about how to production a fish pie that is consist of several step starting from delivery the raw material and culminating in stored the product. Furthermore this product consist of some ingredients such us peas, fish, sauce and potato that are stored in microwaveable container.

At the beginning, Potatoes need one month to delivery before it is processed. In the first, potatoes is cleaned after that, potatoes are peel and entered in waste disposal, the next is it is sliced and then move for boiling, and then chill before put into store.

In the same time while the potatoes is processed, processing of salmon fish is happened also, firstly, it is given lemon juice and salt before it is steamed in the oven, after that the bone and skin is removed, the next step is the salmon is inspected and put in container which travels to mix with prepared peas, sauce and potatoes, after wards it is wrapped, this product then freeze and ready to distribute.






syamsiahRahim   
Apr 27, 2017
Graduate / Personal Statement for Master Finance and Banking [4]

I will give you some feedback

she have (has)a gift for some kind of Art related things.
Because of an endless passion for Business so that I chose the University of Economics ... (pay attention with verb and subject agreement)

and passing the Univeristy entrance exams (misspelling)
my efforts paid off by pursuading my parents (misspelling)

knowledges (this word is noun uncountable, so you can not put "s" after it)
I felt under a lot of presssure for passing the final term (missspelling)

Futhermore, (Furthermore) (missspelling)
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Direct Question Type : Responsibility of Children In the Past and Nowadays [2]

@Anhy
I will give you some feedback

in particular their strength and and weakness
study is not just about learn in cognitive way, but also in psycomotoric and afective psychomotor and affective
.....children will focuse to only study in their childhood. ........ less responsibility of children can make student focuse (focus)

they did not have any distrubtion (distrubtion) to ignore their lesson
they are realy(really) study in the whole of time provided

pay attention with your spelling

a wide time ("wide" is not collocation with "time", you can use long time)
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / More and more people prefer to read e-books rather than paper books [2]

More and more people prefer to read e-books rather than paper books. What are the reason for this? What problem can this cause for libraries?

Issues with electronic paper



In this world where the technological advance is rampant, many people are extremely helped because it can make people easy to work. Taking E-book as example that people use and by time the star up to leave the printed book, I believe that it happen because is more simplicity use E-book than paper book, as an effect it can make the library lack of visitor and by time, it will be not useful for people.

One of causes that people left the paper book and preferred to read e-book is the easier to access by people through the advanced modern communication technologies such us in gadget so it can opened wherever and whenever people want. For Example, Nimra is my friend who downloads many geographic e-books from Internet when she will go to overseas. She preferred to do it than bring her handbook which is heavier. This is the reason why people slightly overlook the printed book.

When people actually leave the paper book, it can make some affect for library, one of them reduced the visitor in the library as result it become extremely quiet place. A 2008 survey result that the member of library has gone down 85% each year after many e-books is published in the internet. Seeing this fact, it really damage for library in the future. I personally believe that it is bad news for Library in the world.

In conclusion, even though the simplicity of e-book make many people tend to be used it than conventional book it make demerit effect for library which lost their visitor. I predict that if the Library does not get solution to solve this problem, it will make the library missing it function and only memories in the future.
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / In the chart the amount of global water use in three different sectors over 10 decades (1900-2000) [2]

the graph and table below give information about water use worldwide and water consumption in two different countries.

The chart and table analysis



The line chart illustrates the amount of global water use in three different sectors over 10 decades (1900-2000) while the table exhibits the comparison about consumption of water in Congo and Brazil which relate with their population in 2002. Overall, it is interesting to notice that the water use in these three sectors had upward trend over the period. Furthermore, Brazil water consumption was higher than Congo.

Looking more closely, Consuming water in Domestic, Industrial and agricultural has a significant increased over the timeline. In 1900 Industrial and domestic has almost similar number, while agriculture water consumption is the biggest one, it accounted for 500 km3. However, in 2001 a steady increase is faced by Domestic water usage while the Industrial had just slowly jumped up hence those sectors made wide range in the end of period. Furthermore, Agriculture rocketed and reached a peak at 300 km3 in the final years.

Moving to the table, Brazil that had 26.000 km2 land to irrigate and 176 populations consumed 359 m3 each person it is higher than water consumption by Congo just consumed 8 m3 per person which had 5,2 million population and 100 km2 irrigated land.




syamsiahRahim   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / The preference of people on E-Books and Paper Books [3]

@Anhy

Thus, it also relating to the recent condition that preference (...) books has been raising (risen) by the time. (pay attention with Subject & verb agreement)

devices to suppot it still avalaible. (be careful with spelling)

Moreover, this decreasing number of visitors affecting to ...(pay attention with Subject & verb agreement) I think in this sentence there is not verb

E-books offers (offer)
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: Social networking sites-------A blessing or a curse? [2]

@ btho

I will give you some feedback
I think it more better if you write like this (the advancement of technology has without doubt, to connect the world ...) to make your sentence coherence.

in this sentence you should use cohesive devise to indicate a logical relationship between you ideas
Ex : Through creating a fan page, (...) similar interests thatThey can earn their sense ... Likewise, One can get to learn ...
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 26, 2017
Writing Feedback / WT 1 - Water consumption in different purpose and areas [3]

@Diahkn93

I have read your essay and I will give you some feed back
it was increased (increased) constantly (pay attention with active and passive sentence)
Meanwhile water is less used for domestic use... (I think in this sentence you must use "past perpect" to exhibit the real time in the graph given)

and I think you should add the cohesive devices effectively between sentence in last paragraph to make your essay coherence and cohesive
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / Most of criminals are notorious offenders - what to do with them? [3]

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment. Why is this happening and what the measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

Criminals are not learning from previous experiences



In this global era, the crime is rampant in the world. Many of crime agents get punishment and make them to enter on prison but after finished their punishment, many of them tend to be commit more crimes. Personally I believe that it happened because the prison level punishment is lack for offender so to kick this problem the government should increase the standard of sentence, such us give death penalty and I think it is the best solution to tackle this problem.

Lacking punishment standard in prison likely happened in some countries, by giving five or six years punishment in jail did not make crime agent giving up to become villain in the second times. The lack of punishment level can make them who tend to be more dangerous because they gathered with the other crime agent and they can learn the other crime skill. A 2008 survey result that the petty crime agent that get sentence in prison, many of them back to the prison in the second time because they committed crime that more highly level than before, I believe that if all first did not result the benefit for villain, it will increase crime rate in the world.

To kick this problem, the government should be make strong policy and make dead penalty is legal punishment for all types of crime that is done by people for two times. Taking South Korea as example, where the people commit corruption should face the dead penalty hence the servant in this country is worried and did not want to commit crime and it make people did not have change to make mistake in the next changes because there is not the second changes for them. I believe this method is more effective than the other ways.

In conclusion, the crime rate will decreased if the death penalty is applied in many countries. I believe that it will make people do not brave to commit crime in the second time. I recommended that this method should be applied in many country of the world.
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / The proportion of National Consumer Expenditure in Five countries [2]

hi Anhy
I will give you some feedback

for each countries (country)
....... just funding arround 4,35 %. (Pay attention with your spelling)
and also remember that in writing such us 4,35 we should use point (.) not comma it can make the reader confuse
Interrestingly, (misspelling)
the highest expenditure spent for (spent on) this category was Italy
you should use the appropriate preposition
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / What students did after leaving college, without job? Describing The Graph. [8]

Hi @syita_arc
I will give you some feedback

... did not go into full-time work did afterleaving college in 2008. (pay attention with your spelling it can make the reader too confuse)

... amount of UK graduate students andthen unemployment of (...) graduate students and 1.625 people from t... (I think you should mix complex sentence and use the other connection in this paragraph to make your idea coherent and cohesive)

I think you should make clear overview from interesting marked in the graph
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 25, 2017
Writing Feedback / The percentage of three kind of items which were purchased by consumers [5]

the table below gives information on consumer spending on different items in five different countries in 2002.

spending money for goods in europe



The table illustrates the percentage of three kind items (food, dresses, and education or entertainment) which were spent by consumers in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey in 2002. Overall, it is interesting to notice that, the leisure or education was the item which had the lowest spending money that consumers spent in those countries.

According to the given data, the first item is food and tobaccos in five countries. The highest expenditure is Turkey is accounted 28.91% while the lowest is Sweden who just spent 15.77% on this item. Furthermore, For Clothing and footwear, People of All of those countries spent just between 5 and 9 % that Italian became the highest percentage to spent money on dresses item.

The last item is expenditure in leisure activity and education by 5 different countries. Although Turkey spent just below 5% for this item, It become the highest expenditure and the least amount spent by Spain, It had accounted for 1.98%. However, the spending money for this item by all country less than 5% and become the lowest expenditure than the other items.




syamsiahRahim   
Apr 2, 2017
Writing Feedback / Smartphone today - how to live without them? [5]

@Hoanglong
Let me give you some feedback..

You should present a clear position and give your personal opinion in the first paragraph
Living without them
we are will become cooler person It will better if you use future form in this sentence
more time do you feel relaxation (double verb)
No e - mails, no phone calls, no and messages (redundant)
syamsiahRahim   
Apr 1, 2017
Writing Feedback / The line chart illustrates the number of viewers for channel one news during 12 months. [3]

channel one news popularity



The line chart illustrates the number of viewers for channel one news during 12 months. Overall, the most noticeable changes is seen in the average of viewer in August. Moreover, during one year all of features have different experiences.

There are 3 programs at the beginning of the 12-month period, 6 pm news stand at around 5 million and it becomes the highest number of viewers. Moreover, it decreases slightly in the end of period. Likewise, 9.30 pm news programs also go down in the last period. Meanwhile, the 1 pm news programs maintained stable over the period, it accounted for around 1.5 million.

A more detailed look at the chart reveals that the features experienced the additional news program. In May, The 11 pm news was introduced. In August, it reached a peak at 4 million viewers even though the other program like 9.30 pm news hit a low of 1 million viewers in the same month.




syamsiahRahim   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Sports stadium - the changes in an American town between 1948 and 2010. [5]

Mr. Reza,,,,, Sorry for my previous comment
I mean your overall can be changed
Overall, it can be seen that there was many alteration in the left side of the canal that across the town and just one thing was alteration in the right side.
syamsiahRahim   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / Sports stadium - the changes in an American town between 1948 and 2010. [5]

@Reza_Hidayat
Let me give you some feedback..
The map provides a breakdown (of) information of American-Town...
Overall, it could be divided in two sides under consideration were in the right and left side of canal. (I think, you must make your overview clear)

Overall, it can be seen that there were some of alteration in the east and the west of village's road.
The first image in 1948 shows (showed) that there were many residential houses between local supermarket and park.
... it was been relocated in the middle of town( Past passive voice form => S+was/were+V3).
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